February 8, 1979

 

On Thursday, Jake awoke but remained in bed until he heard his parents leave for work. For the first time since the dreaded day he lost Dan to a relentless sleep, excluding his regular visits to the hospital each afternoon, today Jake wanted to get out of the house and go somewhere. He had nothing to do and no one to stop him and he felt like he needed to do something that would clear his mind. His motivation, though, a need to think seriously about what Julie had said to him the day before.

 

As he sat up and looked at Dan’s window longingly, he decided he would catch the bus to Clovelly and then sit on the cliffs behind the football field. Dan loved it there and he had taken Jake there on many occasions so they could sit and stare at the water. They both loved the water and they agreed that it was so peaceful in its presence. Dan loved the water even more than Jake did. He loved to swim and body surf and he always talked about one day getting a boat and the two of them taking off and sailing the high seas.

 

Jake began to smile as the memory returned to him. He remembered ribbing Dan after he said he wanted to sail because a moment later, Dan started talking about the boat being a bright red, high velocity speedboat. Jake had said condescendingly, “How do you sail a speedboat” and Dan had told Jake to fuck off and that he would get one of each.

 

Jake took a shower, cleaned his teeth and got dressed. He went down stairs to the kitchen but he was not hungry and so he made himself a coffee. He stood at the kitchen window looking into his backyard. He was staring at the tree house in the huge Jacaranda tree, which according to his father was twice Jake’s age. He held so many memories of the two of them climbing that tree, sitting high in the branches or just playing or talking or even spending hot summer nights sleeping in the tree house.

 

Remembering them as some of the best nights ever, Jake recalled how Dan and he would lie on their backs so they could look out and up at the stars. They would lie close to each other, their shoulders touching and they would make shapes out of the stars. Jake could never see it but Dan would say that at the centre of the Milky Way there was an obvious shape of two boys together.

 

As Jake stared out the kitchen window at a blue sky, a smile crossed his face and then he chuckled. To him it had been just a billion stars in a huge cluster but then one night Dan told him that he had named it the constellation “Jakedan” and that it was there to always remind them that they should always be together. Jake now thought that even though he could never see it, Dan was right and they should always be together.

 

Jake swallowed the last of his coffee and turned with the intention of leaving the house but then he turned back and looked at the tree house again. He smiled and then he went to the back door. Unlocking it, he decided their little sanctuary was as good a place as any and he did not need to travel somewhere else to think about Dan.

 

After he climbed up into the tree and as he entered into the little but well built room that his father had created for them; Jake sat down and he felt a warm feeling inside. It was as if Dan was sitting right there with him. He looked around and saw the leaves and dirt and dust and he realised that they had not been in the tree house for over a year. It was at that moment when the memory of that specific night from the previous year, flooded back into his mind once again. It was so clear it was like it was happening at that moment.

 

As the memory coursed through his mind, Jake felt an array of emotions accompany the visions. He wanted to lie down and relive that night but he wished that Dan could really be with him at that moment. He reached into an old wooden box at the back of the tree house and he retrieved a dustpan and its brush. He swept up the dirt that had blown in and then tipped it out of the opening. He threw the dustpan back into the box and then he began to recline into the familiar position. Unexpectedly he thought that it seemed wrong and so he immediately shuffled across and lay in Dan’s position. A smile formed on his face and he felt as if this simple move brought Dan and him together in spirit.

 

For several minutes Jake lay still and quiet, his eyes open as he stared out through the door and windows. The day was beautiful and the sky was a deep and silky, sky blue. It made him think that if he could actually touch the sky, his fingers would immerse within a creamy, thick substance. It was an interesting thought to Jake but almost instantly, his expression changed and he thought that the sky should be black and filled with stars. For a moment he wished he could search for “Jakedan” and then slowly, his eyes began to close.

 

He felt the touch of Dan’s naked shoulder against his. He heard the way Dan’s breathing had suddenly become heavy. He was all too well aware of how his own breathing was thick and unusual. Everything was unexpectedly about the touch of their skin. It felt as if he was in another world. He was filled with terror and yet absolute joy and despite the confusion that emanated from the distinctive feelings, Jake wanted to turn over and hold his friend. He wanted him in his arms, he wanted to feel even more of his skin, he wanted to touch Dan’s beautiful chest and above all, Jake wanted to kiss Dan’s soft, red lips.

 

Dan asked unexpectedly, “Jake, do you like getting a boner?”

 

Jake turned his head and looked at the face that was subtly illuminated by a single, small candle that was some distance from their positions. Jake had been stunned by the question but he had liked that Dan had asked it. Jake’s dick was already stiff as a board and he had wanted to touch it and especially squeeze it but Dan and he were lying on top of the sleeping bags and he was worried that Dan would see. It concerned him how Dan would react if he did.

 

Jake’s father had told him that all boys masturbated but Dan and he had never discussed anything related to sex, other than Dan telling him he wanted to do it. Jake had heard Dan talking about it with the other boys at school and he had wished that Dan would talk to him about it but for some reason, he never did. Jake had assumed that Dan did not want to talk about sex with him.

 

Quietly, Jake replied, “Yeah, I do like it. Well, most of the time.”

 

Dan asked curiously, “Most of the time?”

 

“Well yeah. I hate it when it gets so hard that it hurts,” Jake replied.

 

“Well I think that’s when we’re supposed to do something about it. I think that’s when we’re supposed to pull them and make them squirt,” Dan said.

 

“Yeah, I think so too but sometimes you just can’t because of where you are or because people are with you,” Jake replied, now feeling a little more comfortable.

 

“I’m like that now, Jake. My dick is so hard. You should feel how hard my dick is, Jake,” Dan said and Jake froze.

 

Jake wanted to feel Dan’s dick. He desperately wanted to but he was filled with caution. Suddenly, though, Dan reached and pushed his shorts and underpants down to his ankles.

 

“Feel how hard my dick is, Jake,” Dan said directly.

 

Jake swallowed hard but then his desire overtook his caution and he turned slightly. He reached across and let his fingers completely wrap around Dan’s dick.

 

“Oh,” Dan said.

 

“Man,” Jake said responsively, as the feeling of the hardness became messages to his brain, telling him he should do things to Dan’s dick. A moment later, Jake realised that whether he did things or not, he was just happy to be able to be this close with Dan.

 

“Are you hard too, Jake?”

 

“Yeah,” he replied but it was more of a whisper than a voice.

 

Dan did not wait for Jake to ask or offer. He just lifted his arm and slid his hand inside Jake’s shorts. He wrapped his hand into a fist around Jake’s erection and he held it firmly at first. Jake moaned from the first feeling of someone else holding his dick. His mind swiftly returned to his own hand holding Dan’s dick and he squeezed back firmly and then stroked minimally.

 

“Mate, I love it when you stroke and squeeze my hard dick,” Dan said and Jake instantly intensified his actions.

 

“Oh Jake, yeah, keep doing that. It feels so good,” Dan said and then he immediately returned the intensity of the favour.

 

Apart from inconsistent and stilted moans and sighs, both boys continued to stroke each other in silence. It was very personal and both were engaged in feelings and thoughts as their senses grew in line with their physical reactions. At the same time, there was an unknown though mutual love between the two, which was also growing as their intimate actions, lifted their intense and hidden feelings for each other.

 

Quickly, everything changed as they took each other further. Their breathing increased with rasped gasps and sighs from heightened sensations. Both boys had ejaculated before but never had they done so under the control of another. Suddenly, Jake’s body began to spasm and almost sympathetically, Dan fell into alignment and they jolted and quivered as they groaned and erupted in each other’s hands.

 

Back in the present, Jake’s hand was suddenly filled again. He rubbed it over his erection, as he wished that Dan were truly there with him. His body arched off the floor and he cried out Dan’s name and then slowly he relaxed and returned to his previous position.

 

Jake’s mind again returned to the memories of that night but now it was in harmony with the thoughts he had thought back then. He wondered why Dan had not said anything after what had happened. Following that day on the beach, now that he knew that Dan loved him and knowing that Dan had always been straight forward with what he had to say, Jake found it curious that Dan had not said anything that night.

 

“If only you had been your usual self that night and told me, maybe none of this would have happened,” Jake posited in a low and disappointed tone.

 

Seconds after the words left his mouth, Jake felt like he was blaming Dan. He felt guilty immediately because he knew it was not Dan’s fault. If anything, it was probably his fault for not telling Dan that he loved him. On the beach, at the time, even though it was the most mind-blowing news, still in the scheme of things, it seemed like any arbitrary event in life but now, it brought to Jake’s mind the concept of the ‘Butterfly Effect.’

 

A single flap of a butterfly’s wings was said to disturb the air around it. The gentle disturbance radiated out and touched everything in its path, influencing all things in some way. It was like a pebble thrown into a pond and the resulting ripples changing the natural surface of things. Jake now wondered if his silence on the beach was somehow the same. His continuing thoughts suggested that had he spoken and told Dan how he felt, Dan would not have gone into the water and he would probably be with him right now.

 

Jake knew he could not know for sure and neither did he know if the butterfly effect was relevant. He turned his mind back to his original question of why Dan had never said a word. He wondered if maybe Dan was scared.

 

“If it was okay for me to be scared then why shouldn’t Dan be allowed to feel scared too? Maybe the why doesn’t matter and all that matters is that we loved each other and still do.

 

“Maybe in the future things will be different and guys like us won’t be so scared. Maybe all the hateful people will begin to accept people like us and eventually our needs and choices will be seen as normal.

 

“What does that matter to Dan and I? Here and now, what matters is no one can know and that we get to be with each other and love each other,” he thought.

 

“I understand if you were scared, Dan,” he said.

 

Within another recollection, Jake realised how brave Dan had been that day at the beach. It became clear to him the risk that Dan had taken. If he had not been queer as well and if he had been like most other boys, then Dan’s honesty could have created some big trouble in Dan’s life. Dan had been courageous for telling him how he felt.

 

Jake sat up as he felt his hand and dick becoming very sticky. He reached into the box again and pulled out and old rag and cleaned up. He threw the rag back into the box and then moved and sat in the opening to the tree house with his legs hanging out. He stared at his house and then turned and stared at Dan’s. He looked between the two and realised he could see Dan’s bedroom window, as well as the dreaded curtains that were now always drawn. He could not drag his eyes away from the window and then his mind and heart flooded with the thoughts and feelings of how much he loved Dan.

 

A moment later, Julie came to mind regarding what she had said to him. He had thought at the time that it all made so much sense to him and now, he was even more certain that she was right. He could not help it, though, as the man from his dream crashed into his mind like a tank destroying a fortress.

 

Hearing the man’s words again, he began to question the wisdom of risking Dan. He then remembered Julie telling him the day before that Dan might need to hear it. Presently he understood that both voices indicated that he was risking Dan’s waking up, each in a different way. If he listened to his friend Julie then by saying it, he would be helping Dan to wake up and by not saying it, he may be risking Dan never waking up.

 

He turned his mind to the cruel man from his dream. If he did not listen to him and told Dan how he loved him and needed him like no one else in the world, maybe Dan could find his way back home and he would open his beautiful, blue eyes again. Then again, he thought; “If the man is right and my dream is some type of warning, if I open my mouth I might lose Dan forever.

 

“Why are you even listening to something that isn’t real? When Julie said what she said, every part of you believed she was right. All that man does is scare you and make you afraid that Dan will never come back to you. You’ve always believed Dan was coming back so why are you listening to an apparition from a nightmare. Julie is real and he is not. Listen to Julie!”

 

There was no questioning or doubt in his mind as he thought those words. He knew at the crux of his being it was the right thing to do. When he went back to the hospital that afternoon, he was definitely going to tell Dan how much he loved him. He thought that maybe Dan would not wake up immediately but because he believed that somewhere within, Dan could hear him, Dan would therefore know and that was what mattered the most right now. A large smile filled Jake’s face and he felt as if a great weight had just been lifted from his shoulders.

 

“I don’t suppose it would matter if just this once I went in early. This is important and I need to tell Dan as soon as possible,” he said and then he was climbing out of the tree house so he could get ready to go to the hospital.

 

Cutting across through the hospital grounds toward the building where Dan was, Jake was surprised to hear a voice calling his name. Tables and chairs with doctors, nurses, patients and visitors eating lunch were off to his left. He looked around and he did not recognise any of the faces but then Julie stood up and he saw her immediately. He walked towards her and she greeted him warmly and squeezed his arm.

 

Julie said, “You’re here early today?”

 

“Yeah. I made my decision, Julie. You were right and I need to tell him.”

 

Julie looked around as if to make certain no one would hear her and then she said, “Actually, I have something I want to tell you. You can’t tell anyone though, Jake. No one’s supposed to know because Dan’s parents haven’t been informed yet and they should be the first to know.”

 

Julie thought briefly for a moment and then said, “Then again, maybe someone has already called them and so maybe it doesn’t matter. Anyway, Dan underwent a lot of tests and scans this morning. Those tests revealed that all of the swelling has completely gone and the doctors said there is a ninety percent chance that Dan will come out of the coma.”

 

Jake’s smile was small but it lit up his face. He did not scream or shout with joy but instead, with a soft tone that was overflowing with the sound of relief, he said, “Oh Julie! How long before he wakes up?”

 

“Jake, it doesn’t mean that he’ll definitely wake up. It means that his chances are much better.”

 

Jake’s face dropped but it was only for a few moments before it lit back up. His smile was suddenly large and it filled his face, as his eyes locked onto Julie’s and he began to laugh almost excitedly.

 

“He’s coming back to me,” Jake said.

 

“Don’t get your hopes too high too soon but maybe,” she replied trying to allay Jake’s possible disappointment over the coming days or weeks or god forbid, permanently.

 

“It’s okay Julie and I’m okay, don’t worry about me. I won’t say a word to anyone but this day is just getting better and I know Dan’s coming back. I knew it all along but because of the dream I was beginning to doubt myself. After our talk yesterday and then thinking about it this morning and now here with you, I just know I’ve been right all along.”

 

“Well Jake, I hope more than anything that you’re right,” she replied.

 

Jake asked, “Will I see you again later?”

 

“Yes, I’m just out here for lunch. Actually, I’m finished and was about to head back so I’ll come with you,” she said.

 

Jake looked at Julie impatiently. She grinned at him and turned and then carried some rubbish to a garbage bin. They crossed the lawn as the sun beat down warmly on them but soon enough they were in the hospital, getting into the lift and heading up to the third floor.

 

After leaving the elevator, Julie touched Jake on the back, as she walked into the nurse’s station and Jake continued to walk to Dan’s room. He pushed the door open and saw Dan in his usual position. He let the door swing quietly closed and walked directly to Dan’s side and sat down beside him. He simply stared at him for a couple of minutes, adoring eyes sweeping from Dan’s handsome face and down over his naked chest to the crisp white sheet at his waist. His eyes rose back up to his face and then Jake stood up and took hold of Dan’s hand.

 

“Dan, I have to tell you something. I’ve been an idiot and I’ve been afraid and confused and it stopped me from saying what I should have said to you nearly three months ago.”

 

Lifting Dan’s hand, Jake held his hand with both of his own. He held it warmly, squeezing gently and then pulled it against his heart and closed his eyes.

 

“Dan, when you said to me at the beach that you were in love with me, I should’ve said something to you straight away. The thing was, I was so shocked that you’d even said the words that I didn’t really believe it at first. I couldn’t imagine it to be true but you need to understand, Dan, there was nothing else I could’ve wanted you to say to me. I’m in love with you too. You aren’t just my friend and you aren’t just my blood brother, you’re so much more to me. I love you, Dan. Please come back to me because I need you.”

 

Jake had not expected anything to happen and he did not really believe Dan would wake up instantly. Even so, Jake had carried a vain and idyllic hope that the moment he said the words, Dan’s eyes would open. Jake opened his eyes and slowly looked down, as his hope overrode his reasoning. Unfortunately, Dan remained in the same position, his eyes remained closed and silence continued as a response.

 

“I still believe it, Dan. I know you’re coming back to me.”

 

Jake stared at the peaceful, inanimate face and even though Dan had not miraculously awoken, Jake felt free now that he had spoken the truth to Dan. He also felt his heart was bursting with love. Spontaneously but with certainty and a deep need, he leaned down. His hands held each side of Dan’s face and with a passion so tender, he pressed his lips to Dan’s and he kissed him with all the love in his heart.

 

“What in hell?”

 

The ambience of the room changed completely at that moment. It was a man’s voice, deep and angry and aggressive and it shattered the wonder of the moment and the magic of hope that had formed like thick air within the room.

 

Jake swung around and looked at the doorway. The man who was standing there was holding the door open. His face was filled with disgust, his expression becoming aggressive and he pushed the door hard until it slammed into the wall beside it. He took a step around the door while still holding it open and he glared at Jake with anger and revulsion.

 

“Get out, now. Don’t you ever attempt to see my son again,” David Murphy ordered.

 

Somewhere deep inside, Jake felt part of him break, as he looked at Dan’s father. There was nothing he could say and nothing he could do. It was over before it had begun. Once again something had interfered and come between he and Dan. He turned his head and looked at Dan sadly. He did not even say goodbye and he turned and began to leave.

 

“I’m giving strict instructions to this hospital to keep you away from my son so don’t even think about trying to come back. If I ever see you near him again, I’ll break your disgusting neck. My son is not like you and never will be so take your sick fantasies somewhere else.”

 

Jake walked through the doorway and the door closed behind him. He stood and looked around but the ward seemed empty like he felt. A nurse that he did not even know was at the station and Julie was nowhere to be seen. His heart began to break, he felt for the first time in his life that he was truly alone and that there was nothing he could do and no one he could turn to. It was over.

 

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