February 7, 1979

 

Jake stopped at the nurse’s station when he arrived at the hospital. The floor was empty and no one seemed to be around. It reminded him of some disaster movie where everyone had died. It was so very quiet. He stood there momentarily, waiting to see if anyone would show up and as he fell into the stillness and silence, the telephone began to ring. He jumped in fright from the unexpected disturbance but then he turned in a circle to see if anyone would respond. As his eyes glanced down a hallway, he saw a door open and Rita, the head nurse, walk out and head down to the station.

 

Rita was short, maybe around one metre sixty but she had a wide girth. She was not what Jake would call fat but rather, big and solid. He thought of her like a small truck. She had really deep, dark red hair and Jake thought it made her look more intimidating. She was one of those older women who applied too much foundation to her face, giving the impression it was made of cheese. The thought almost brought a laugh but he held it back, even though he could not stop his mind from imagining mice nibbling on her face while she slept in bed at night.

 

Jake thought she was a harsh woman because she never seemed to smile and she always sounded so detached and aloof. As she came closer, she looked him directly in the eyes but there was a complete lack of acknowledgement, as she marched like a soldier on patrol. She entered the nurse’s station and took the call.

 

Jake pitied whoever was the recipient of her wrath, as she attacked them for what she called their insipid incompetence and their unprofessional approach. She then told the person that she did not care to hear excuses and they were to just get it done. She put the receiver into the cradle of the phone and then turned to Jake.

 

With a rock steady tone of voice she said, “Hello Jake, is there something you needed?”

 

“Hi Rita, no, I was just wondering where Julie was? I haven’t seen her since late last month.”

 

“Well you’re in luck because you’ll see her today. She’s been on leave for the last two weeks and her shift starts in fifteen minutes. Was it anything I can help you with, Jake?”

 

“No. She just usually says hello to me and I was wondering why she hadn’t been in to see me.”

 

“Well I’ll tell her you were asking for her and I’m sure she’ll pop her head in and say hello to you.”

 

“Thanks, Rita,” he said.

 

Rita asked, “Is there anything else?”

 

“No thanks, Rita. I’m going into sit with Dan now.”

 

Rita looked at Jake and nodded her head but even though her facial expression remained unreadable, she still was amazed that a teenager would be so diligent and would show such concern for a friend. She did not hold a high opinion of the youth of the day but Jake seemed different to her. She really held Jake in very high esteem and as a consequence, Rita truly hoped that Dan would come out of the coma because she feared if he did not, Jake would be crushed by such a loss and he seemed like too nice a boy to suffer such a thing.

 

“All right, Jake, I’ll let you know when it’s time to leave,” she said and Jake nodded gratefully and began walking towards Dan’s room.

 

“Thanks Rita, I’ll see you later,” he said, not bothering to turn back. He then pushed the door and entered, letting it swing closed behind him.

 

“Hi Dan,” he said and then adjusted his chair to his liking and sat down and took Dan’s hand into his.

 

Quietly sitting for a few minutes, he gazed at Dan in silence. Suddenly noticing something was different, he stood up and swept the hair back off Dan’s forehead. Jake realised Dan’s hair had really grown and that it needed to be cut to make him look like he used to. It was not a cause of great concern because Jake thought Dan would be handsome no matter how his hair looked. Still, he preferred to see the tanned skin of Dan’s forehead uncovered.

 

“Dan, you realise there’s only a couple weeks of summer left. I can’t believe you’re prepared to sleep all the sun and all the days at the beach away. This is so unlike you. You’d never choose to stay inside during hot, summer weather and yet here you are.

 

Staring at Dan, a little grin curved Jake’s lips before he said, “Maybe you need some impetus to get you out of that bed and so I’ve decided to get in touch with fatty from school. I’ll tell him you need him to come in and sleep naked with you because the hospital has run out of sheets and we need him to cover you with his rolls of fat.”

 

Jake snorted and snickered from the thought, as he considered how Dan would react to him saying something like that to him. He knew Dan would be grossed out from the thought and that in normal circumstances, Dan would grab him in a headlock and tell him to say sorry or take it back. Jake laughed again but as he caressed Dan’s face, his bemused smile transformed to an anguished expression. Suddenly he was thinking about what was bothering him, an answer that was evading him, something that he needed to know. It felt like a missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle.

 

With his mind moving to thoughts of the man who was making all of this so hard, Jake felt angry and then he shook his head, as if to shake the thoughts away. He looked at Dan again and for the first time, he allowed the slightest doubt that Dan would recover, to enter his mind.

 

“Listen up, Dan. I was thinking this morning when I woke up, today is the seventh of February and you know that means there is exactly one month until my birthday. I’ll be sixteen. Mum said to me the other day that a sixteenth birthday was special and that was why it was referred to as ‘Sweet Sixteen.’ Dad glanced up at me and sort of grinned and rolled his eyes, so I don’t really put much stock in the idea but Dan, when my birthday does come around, you’ll have been snoozing for nearly four months. I think it’s getting to that time when you should wake up because if for no other reason, regardless of whether it’s true or not, I don’t think anything about my birthday will be sweet unless you’re there to celebrate it with me. Please wake up, Dan, I need you to come back to me.”

 

“Eh hmm.”

 

Jake turned abruptly to see Julie standing just inside the door. She had come in to say hello to him but he had not heard her. Not wanting to interrupt him, she stood silently waiting for him to finish what he was saying. She was truly touched by what Jake had said but she could also hear a slight degree of pain in his voice.

 

With sincere happiness to see her, he said, “Julie!”

 

“Hi Jake. Sorry to interrupt you and Dan but Rita told me you’d asked for me and I wanted to say hello and see if there was something in particular you needed.”

 

“No Julie, I just hadn’t seen you and I wondered where you were,” he replied.

 

“I was on leave, Jake. I really needed to take a break. I wanted to say goodbye but my final shifts of the last week were changed and I didn’t get to see you.”

 

“Don’t worry, Julie, it’s okay but I’m glad you’re back and it’s great to see you. You’re the nicest nurse here and I like it when you come in and say hello.”

 

“Well, you’re one of the nicest young men I’ve ever met and I like coming in to see you. Dan is a very lucky young man to have you in his life. Speaking of which, how is he?”

 

“Still the same, Julie. He’s sleeping night and day and doesn’t want to get off his lazy arse,” Jake said and then slapped his hand over his mouth for saying arse to an adult.

 

Julie chuckled and replied, “Oh don’t worry about that, Jake, you should hear how colourful my mouth is when I’m not working. I could probably make you and Dan blush.”

 

“I doubt that. Dan and I swear like troopers when we’re not at home.”

 

Julie nodded as she grinned but then her expression suddenly became serious. She walked over to the bed and stood next to Jake’s chair. She turned and looked at Dan’s face and then she looked back at Jake. He was already looking at her and watching her every move.

 

“I’ve been thinking about you, Jake, quite a bit actually. Something’s been bothering me since last month and I never had the time or the chance to talk to you about it. The last time we really spoke, I asked you if you’d told Dan how you felt and you told me that you couldn’t. I asked you why but then I had to rush off to an emergency and you never got to answer me. I really would like to know, if you wouldn’t mind telling me.”

 

Jake looked into Julie’s eyes. He thought she had probably forgotten all about that day and he was surprised when she told him she had been thinking about it.

 

“It isn’t that I don’t want to tell him, it’s just that I don’t think I should,” Jake said and then he looked at Dan with a disheartened expression.

 

“Why, Jake?”

 

“Dan’s situation isn’t about me or how I feel or what I want to say. This time is all about Dan and I don’t think that I should make it about me. When he wakes up it will be one of the first things I say to him but until then, I think it would be wrong of me to make him have to think about me in his mind when he needs to rest and feel better.”

 

Julie’s eyes showed surprise. She was literally stunned by Jake’s response. She thought it was more of a psychological response and one that she would expect from someone older, not a boy of fifteen. The more she saw and talked to him, the more she liked him and the more he surprised her. She honestly believed he was a very special person.

 

“Jake, what if he needs to hear it. Listen to me closely. I’m not blaming you in any way and you must believe me that none of this is your fault but what if he’s waiting for you to tell him so he can come back to you?”

 

Julie did not necessarily believe what she said was true and nor did she believe that it was not. It was just that she had experienced a nagging feeling about Jake while she had been on leave and she felt that she needed to get him to say the words to Dan. She did not know how true it was about coma patients being stimulated or sometimes even aware of what people said to them. She liked to believe it was true and some other nurses had told her they had heard things that made them believe it was true. Julie did not particularly like saying what she had said because it worried her that it might affect Jake psychologically, however, she then thought that if it really was true then it might help and give Dan the incentive he needed to cross back to consciousness.

 

Jake’s eyes were looking at Julie but it seemed as if he was not really seeing her. His expression was that of someone in very deep thought. He was thinking about what she had said and he considered that if that were the case, then it was his fault that Dan was still asleep. If it were true then he needed to tell him immediately but if it were not true and the cruel man had been right all along, then he might ruin everything. He wondered what the right thing was to do.

 

Suddenly he thought about his sign language and even though he had never known for sure if Dan had seen and understood it, he thought if Dan already knew, why would he need to hear it again. He knew he was making excuses but then he thought that he really had no idea about anything for certain. Jake thought it was only him that had an issue with not saying the words for Dan to hear. His eyes blinked and he suddenly focused on Julie again.

 

“There’s something you don’t understand, Julie. What I said to you last month was only part of it. I worried that I hadn’t said the words to Dan but just before the wave hit, I told him with sign language. I don’t know for certain if he saw what I was trying to tell him but I like to believe that he did and that he already knows. I know that’s contrary to what I said to you last month but the truth is, these days I’m often in two minds.”

 

Julie looked at Jake a little dismayed. She thought that no matter what happened it would be good for Jake to say the words out loud. If the worst thing did happen and Dan died, Jake may carry it with him throughout his life and never recover from some fucked-up, human guilt. She sort of understood his reasoning but she also did not really understand where it was coming from. Regardless of everything, she really believed he needed to say the words.

 

“Jake, what if he’s forgotten because of the head trauma when he hit the sand or the promenade. Maybe you need to remind him,” she said.

 

Jake looked at her and his mouth fell open. He had not considered that possibility and even though he still believed that this was only his problem, still the thought of what she was suggesting bothered him. It then began to bother him that maybe Dan had been lying there for nearly three months waiting for him to tell him that he loved him. He shook his head. He did not know what to do and now he was feeling confused and like he was under pressure.

 

“I’ll think about it,” he said and Julie smiled.

 

“You do that Jake because I really don’t think it could hurt.”

 

“Maybe you’re right,” he said but then he looked up at the ceiling with a very worried expression.

 

“Jake, there’s more to this then you’re saying, isn’t there? What is it that you’re keeping locked up inside?”

 

Jake’s head dropped back down and he looked at her with a shocked expression. Nobody knew but somehow Julie did. He wondered how she could know but then he thought that she really seem like she wanted to help and he wondered if he told her, if maybe she could give him an answer.

 

“Please Jake, I don’t know if I can help but at least let me try?”

 

Jake sighed with uncertainty but then he said, “Okay. I haven’t told this to anyone. You see I used to have these dreams all the time. It was the same dream for years and I was always on a beach with Dan and we were together alone. Ever since the wave hit, I have this different dream. It’s always the same as well but it’s a horrible dream,” he said and then his eyes filled with tears but he swallowed hard and pulled them back.

 

“Tell me, Jake. What happens in this dream?”

 

“I’m standing in an empty street, except that it looks like there’s been a disaster, like a bomb has exploded or something. There are car wrecks, there are crumbled building walls and it looks like it’s been deserted for a long time. There’s no weather. I mean, there’s no sun or rain or wind and I can’t see the sky. Everything is grey. There’s a mist coming in and it slowly starts surrounding me until I can’t see where I am. Dan is somewhere around me but I can’t see him and I can’t find him. I can hear him calling to me. He’s so sad and I know it because I can hear it in his voice.”

 

Jake turned away from Julie and his eyes fell onto Dan. He lifted his arm and stretched it out, letting his hand come to rest on Dan’s upper arm. He squeezed it tenderly and a single teardrop rolled down his left cheek.

 

As if unconsciously, Jake quoted Dan from the dream, “Jake, where are you? Jake, I can’t see you and I can’t find you. Jake, Jake, where are you?”

 

The words slid from Jake’s mouth as if he was standing right there in the dream and he was feeling every emotion and reliving it all at that moment. He seemed as if he were completely lost and Julie felt a harsh pang of compassion.

 

Jake flinched, as Julie broke the following silence and said, “Jake?”

 

He looked back at her and nodded before he continued, “I call to him and tell him I can hear him and that he has to tell me where he is so that I can come and get him. All I hear, though, are the very same calls in the very same words and they’re the words of someone who is lost.”

 

Jake stared at Julie and again she saw the pained expression.

 

“Julie, I have no idea where he might be because I don’t know where I am because of the mist. I don’t know what to do or where to start. I cry out to him that I’m there and that I want to find him and that I want to be there for him. I tell him that everything will be okay but then I hear him calling out to me again. He says the exact same things and I know that he hasn’t heard me. He doesn’t know that I’m there or that I’m searching for him or trying to bring him home.

 

“At that moment I feel like I’m at my lowest. I feel like there’s no hope but then I suddenly have this weird thought. I think that there’s one thing that he might hear, just one thing that I could say, which could breach his inability to hear me. I inhale deeply because I want to scream it as loud as I can. I want to be sure that he will hear me and that I will finally let him know for sure. Just as my lungs fill to capacity and I’m about to call out to him, a hand comes from behind me and slaps over my mouth, stopping me from calling out and telling him.

 

“Julie, it’s a large hand, a man’s hand and then his other arm wraps around my body, pulling me tight against his body and stopping me from moving. I can’t call to Dan and I can’t move to find him either. It’s then that I hear another voice. It belongs to the man behind me. His words are directed at me and they’re said cruelly and with anger and venom and the words hurt me.”

 

Worriedly, Julie asked, “What does he say to you, Jake?”

 

“Selfish! You’re selfish, Jake Edwards. You’re only thinking about yourself. You’re only thinking about what you want and what you need and you don’t care about Dan and what is best for him.”

 

“Oh Jake,” Julie said, followed by a sigh.

 

“I can still hear Dan calling to me but it sounds like he’s moving into the distance because his voice is becoming faint and hard to hear. I struggle to break free of the man’s grip and try to pull my mouth away from his hand. I think I’m running out of time and then I hear Dan say one thing to me that’s different. He says, “Jake, only you can help me,” and then the man behind me laughs.

 

“Like his voice, the man’s laughter sounds cruel and he says that if I’d keep my mouth shut and stop thinking about myself, then maybe Dan could find me. His hand let’s go of my mouth and I scream Dan’s name but I only hear silence. He’s gone and I start to cry because I’ve failed to find him and bring him home. I turn to look at the man but he’s shrouded by the mist and he starts to walk backwards and then he disappears completely and I know that I’m lost and alone and still without Dan.”

 

Jake’s eyes began to well with tears again and he turned his head and looked at Dan. Julie watched him and as she saw his eyes begin to fill with tears, she also saw them fill with pain. She softened her voice as she began to speak to Jake.

 

“So it’s because of this dream that you haven’t told Dan that you’re in love with him?”

 

Dan nodded.

 

“The thing that you decide to say to Dan; is it that you’re in love with him?”

 

Jake still did not reply but he looked at her sadly and nodded that it was.

 

“Tell me specifically, Jake, what in the dream is worrying you so much that it’s stopping you from telling Dan?”

 

“I’m not allowed to make the coma about me. I’m not allowed to be selfish. Every time I have this dream, which is everyday, the man tells me that I’m selfish. He really growls it at me that I’m selfish and that I’m only thinking about myself.”

 

“Oh Jake,” Julie said.

 

“He’s right though, Julie. I always want to tell Dan but only because of how I feel and how angry I am that I never told him when he told me. It really is selfish!”

 

“No Jake, it’s not. It’s perfectly natural. All people are the same when they lose someone they love in some way. It’s natural to want to see that person and to tell them that you love them and that you need them and that you want them back in your life. It may seem selfish that you’re thinking about how you feel but that doesn’t mean you don’t care about that person or what they need; it just means that you really do care about them and it shows just how much you care about them.

 

“Jake, when people fall in love and have relationships and then after some time they break up, one or both of those people feel the same thing. When someone loves someone deeply, irrespective of the type of relationship and then one of those people die, the one left alone feels the same thing.

 

“We all want to hold on to the people we love and never let them go because life can be hard and love is one of the truly rare things that lift us to a higher and a better place in life. It’s because of these things that you’re feeling what you’re feeling but you can’t let those fears stop you from feeling that love or expressing that love to Dan.

 

“Love is selfish but it’s also selfless and those two polarities are entwined and can’t be parted. Jake, love is intense and hard and wonderful and beautiful and when you accept it and open yourself up to it, you have to deal with it all; the good and bad and the highs and the lows, however, at no point can you ever give up hope or stop trying and never should you ever let the love go, even if you have to let go of the person.”

 

“Julie, I understand but what if the man is right?”

 

“The man isn’t right. You told me he was a cruel man and he sounded to me like an evil man. I don’t think you should listen to him, Jake. I think you should follow your heart and I think you should tell Dan how you feel.

 

“Jake, I can’t promise you that if you tell Dan he’ll wake up because I really don’t know if he will. The thing is, Jake, I also can’t tell you that he won’t wake up if you told him. What I do know is that when you told me that you could bring him back, I believed that you could. I don’t know why I believed it, I just did. Now I believe that you need to tell Dan that you’re in love with him and that you need him and how important it is to you that he wakes up. I also believe that Dan needs to hear you say those words to him.”

 

Julie looked at Jake with a serious expression. She really did not know what would happen or if she was right but she had a sense of certainty everything she had said to Jake was right on the money.

 

“Maybe you’re right and I believe that you are, Julie. I still have to think about all of this, though. Dan means too much to me to take chances with him and I need to feel certain before I tell him.”

 

“I understand but Jake, I’ve been in here with you for far too long and Rita will have my head if I don’t get out there and get to work. I’ll pop in and see you again tomorrow, okay?”

 

“Yeah. Sure and thanks, Julie. What you said really helped me,” Jake replied.

 

“I’m glad, Jake. See you tomorrow,” she said and then walked across the room and left.

 

Jake sat staring at Dan and he was thinking that Julie was right. All the things she said about loving someone made so much sense. The way she described everything made him feel like his feelings and his love for Dan were valid and important. It also meant their relationship was as important as he had always believed it was. He really was thinking now that he should tell Dan but he told himself not to rush it and if he still felt the same way tomorrow, he would tell Dan then.

 

Jake sat back in his chair and he felt a little more relaxed. Once again he reached for Dan’s hand and he held it and he felt the warmth of his love for Dan fill his body.

 

***