January 24, 1979

 

The stillness was pervasive and the scene could have been a painting, as Jake sat in the hospital room beside Dan. Jake’s arm was resting on the bed, his hand palm up, Dan’s hand was in Jake’s hand, also palm up and Jake’s forehead was resting in Dan’s palm. The simple feeling of Dan’s skin against his skin was comforting. If he was to be denied the voice, an acknowledgement and the sight of those eyes, at least he could have Dan’s touch and be in his presence.

 

To most people there would have been a sense of uncertainty, an underlying fear the worst was yet to come. The consequences of the wave had been horrific, the sights, the sounds and eventually the cold fear of death. It was the following month, though, which was the hardest part to endure. The darkness had merged into loneliness and it was almost unbearable. The feeling of forced separation, of being told he could not see the one he loved, the one who meant the most, it was a waking death each day.

 

Irrespective of everything, Jake had never stopped believing that Dan would recover. Ever since Dan’s parents had given permission for him to visit, his belief had only increased in certainty. Jake gave no thought to the knowledge Dan had been in a coma for two months. His daily, bedside vigil, which had now been occurring for a month, also was of no concern to him. He simply believed those eyes would open and it was only a matter of time.

 

To the average eye and perspective, based on the less than positive prognosis the doctors had afforded Dan, Jake probably appeared as a friend living in vain hope or perhaps as even a little self-delusional. Who could say what the truth was but even if Jake were locked in an unwillingness to accept the loss of his friend, consciously, Jake truly believed Dan was going to recover and that there was no chance in hell Dan was going to die.

 

There was only one concern Jake courted regarding Dan and it was less about Dan than it was about Jake’s own actions and decisions. It stemmed from an uncertainty born of his subconscious mind and it plagued his reasoning and emotions on a daily basis. Though his concern was little more than an array of pictures and thoughts, still they imprisoned him and betrayed his freedom of choice. Keeping it hidden from everyone, Jake engaged in his personal, internal war, silently.

 

In general, every afternoon Jake would sit bedside and he would talk to Dan as if he were awake. He would tell him what was happening in the world each day. He would read to him and tell him jokes but never did he mention what Dan had said or what he thought he should have said in return. In Jake’s mind, he believed his need for Dan in his life and also his need to finally speak the words he had not spoken, held no right to be used as some excuse to bring him back. Jake told himself he would tell Dan how he felt when he woke up but until that moment, this time was all about Dan’s wellbeing and Jake was certain he had no right to make this time about him or what he wanted. He told himself he was under no circumstances allowed to be selfish in this situation.

 

Both Christmas and New Year had come and gone but within the two houses that stood side-by-side, as well as within the two families, the celebratory seasons had passed bye sombrely. It was for different reasons in both houses but indirectly; the quiet alternatives had been inseparably bound.

 

Jake never missed a day. Like clockwork, he would arrive minutes before his time began and he would not leave Dan’s side until his three hours were complete. Each afternoon, one of the nurses would come in and tell him his time was up. With resignation, when the nurse left the room, he would kiss Dan on the lips, tell him he would see him tomorrow and then make his way home.

 

Carol and David Murphy had known how close the boys were. The boys spent almost every waking hour together and so when Maggie had told Carol about the psychological affect the separation was having on Jake and that the only thing he wanted was to sit with Dan regularly, Carol agreed without hesitation. On a deeper, inner level, Carol thought that if there was any hope at all, perhaps Jake could be a catalyst and help to bring her son home to her.

 

Three days following the beginning of Jake’s visits, Dan improved enough to be taken off the machine that was keeping him alive. The doctors, though still not confident of recovery, agreed his chances had improved. While everyone presumed it was nothing more than a positive turn of events, Carol, who had long held suspicions about her son and the boy next door, secretly associated the change to Jake’s daily visits and placed a desperate hope in Dan’s closest friend.

 

Carol had never said a word of her thoughts about the boys. In one way it was not a mother’s wish but in another, there was the mother’s hope her child would find happiness. She had struggled with silent acceptance but it all became so irrelevant following the wave and the loss of her son. Subsequently, she talked David into agreeing to the request but David said Jake had to be gone when he visited his son after work. The visitation rights however, did encompass all seven days of the week.

 

Maggie and Brad Edwards were a little more at peace because after one day of Jake being allowed to visit Dan, it seemed like everything was slowly getting back to normal. Jake would rise of his own accord and come out of his bedroom. He stopped staring at Dan’s window all the time. He would go out into the backyard and sit in the sun and he even started mowing the lawn for his father or cleaning up around the house for his mother and all of this began happening without the slightest of prompting on their parts.

 

At first Brad had been a little dubious and had repeatedly called Jake at home to make sure he was there. He did not want him going to the hospital as soon as they left for work and spending all day at his friend’s side. Soon enough, though, his concerns were dismissed and the trust that Jake was doing the right thing returned.

 

There was one important thing Jake was unaware of, which was a conversation his parents had been involved in. Following the morning when Maggie had found Jake shivering as he stared at Dan’s bedroom window, in bed that night, Maggie said to Brad, “I think Jake might be homosexual.” She had not been completely certain how Brad would respond to her supposition but to her surprise, Brad replied, “Yeah, the thought did cross my mind and I was beginning to wonder if Jake is in love with Dan? I understand that the boys are very close but Jake’s pain is like grief and it’s not what I’d consider to be standard between boys. He’s acting like he’s lost the love of his life.”

 

Jake overheard Maggie and Brad talking to Carol over the fence one Saturday and Carol had asked how Jake was doing. Maggie told her he was getting better now that he was allowed to see Dan regularly. The three parents seem pleased by the turn around but none of them seemed to realise his behaviour was all about being allowed to continue to visit Dan. He felt he needed to show a face that was positive, responsible and generally fine, simply because he did not want his rights to visit with Dan to be removed.

 

As they talked over the fence, Carol had hesitantly ask Maggie, “What if Dan doesn’t...” but her voice trailed off, her eyes filled with tears and she apologised, before running into her home and leaving his parents standing there dismayed.

 

Jake had been filled with anger that Dan’s mother courted thoughts that her son would die. He wondered why everyone could not believe like he did, Dan would return very soon. He knew it was based on the doctors but still he felt such certainty that everyone was wrong.

 

“I know you’re coming back, Dan. Nothing will ever make me doubt that,” Jake said, as he lifted his head and looked at Dan’s handsome face.

 

Jake smiled at Dan’s serene expression. He thought Dan was even more handsome than ever. He lifted Dan’s hand and he pressed his lips to his palm and kissed it with absolute adoration. The door swung open and as Jake’s eyes caught sight of the young nurse entering, he pulled Dan’s hand away from his lips and looked at Julie in utter terror.

 

Julie was a young woman in her mid twenties. She was a pretty woman with blonde hair but the way it was pulled back and tied up, always made Jake think she would look even better and softer when she let her hair down. She had light blue eyes and these were always soft and made her look kind. She was a slim woman and Jake thought that men would be very attracted to her.

 

As the door closed, Julie smiled and gave a subtle but amused shake of the head and then walked unthreateningly over to the bed. She checked the levels and the settings on the intravenous drip and then she turned and looked down at Dan’s face, before gently turning to Jake. Jake was looking up at her, his eyes filled with a boys fear and he was wondering if his kiss had just destroyed everything.

 

With a smile, Julie said, “He’s a very handsome boy, your friend, isn’t he?”

 

Jake looked at her as he nodded yes and then his expression changed again, as he wondered if his agreement had just added to the possible damage he had already done with his kiss. He turned and looked at Dan despairingly while considering he might be parted from him again. Julie was watching him closely and she knew what was going on in his mind.

 

Gently, Julie said, “Jake?”

 

His head turned and his eyes looked at her questioningly but he said nothing and then looked back at Dan.

 

“You don’t have to worry, Jake. Everyone thinks that you’re just Dan’s friend…”

 

Jake grew indignant immediately and he turned and looked at her. Abruptly cutting her off with an affronted tone of voice, he said, “I am his friend. I’m his best friend.”

 

“I know you are Jake but you didn’t let me finish. What I was going to say was that I know the other part of the truth about you and Dan. I’ve known it from the first week you started coming to visit. Don’t worry, Jake, your secret’s safe with me and I’ll never tell anyone. Jake, I’m one of the people in the world who believe it’s perfectly normal. Just be careful because you don’t want too many people to find out.

 

“You see, Jake, at your age, a lot of people won’t understand and they’ll find it even harder to accept. The other thing is, not that I believe that the law should have anything to do with love but the age of consent in Australia, for young men like you and Dan is eighteen and even if you aren’t doing anything, if people find out about you, they’ll imagine that you are. Trust me, Jake, it could make life very difficult for you; not that it isn’t hard enough already.

 

“Regardless, as far as I’m concerned, Dan is a very lucky boy to have someone who loves him as much as you do. He must be very happy to know how much you love him and it must please him to know that you’d do anything for him.”

 

A large but relieved smile had formed on Jake’s face, as initially he understood what Julie had been trying to say to him. However, her final words about Dan knowing how he felt about him, stabbed at him deeply, as he remembered his silence at a time when he should have yelled the feelings in his heart. Jake looked at Julie but at the same time as he apologised for interrupting her, his eyes began to fill with tears.

 

As she moved around to the other side of the bed with concern, Julie asked as she looked down at him, “Hey, Jake, what is it, what’s wrong?”

 

“He doesn’t know. I didn’t tell him,” Jake said.

 

“I’m sure he knows,” Julie offered.

 

“No, you don’t get it. Dan told me he was in love with me right before this happened but I never said the words back to him. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t have time.”

 

Julie sighed. To her, it was one more piece of proof of how cruel life could be. Whether it was her own life, the lives of people she cared about or the lives of the many people she encountered as a nurse, sometimes she hated life. Now, to look at two teenage boys, who were yet to even experience the true nature of the adult world; she thought how sometimes she truly hated the random and chaotic influences of life.

 

Considering further, she thought that Jake and Dan were fortunate to have discovered each other so young and to have felt one of, if not the only blinding and all-consuming wonders of existence. She then thought, as usual, life in all its fucked-up wisdom, would attempt to remove or destroy something so beautiful and innocent, which should be nurtured and cherished. Julie reached out and she ran her fingers through his hair and around his head, before sliding her hand around his jaw and taking his face into her soft grip.

 

“Jake, I know this sounds weird but I really think he knows. I think he knows you love him, I think he knows you’re here with him and I’m sure he wants to come back to you as soon as he can.”

 

Jake looked deeply into Julie’s eyes. He hoped that Dan did know because of his simple sign language. The problem was he really was not sure if Dan had been able to see or for that matter, understand what he was trying to say to him from such a long distance. He was pleading in his heart that Dan knew because if he did not, it meant that everything was suddenly more difficult. He wanted to explain it to Julie but he wondered if she would even understand or if she would think he was crazy for taking notice of the cruel man.

 

“I believe I can bring him back,” Jake said.

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised about that, Jake. Have you told him how you feel when you sit here with him?”

 

“No. I can’t,” he replied.

 

“Why?”

 

Before Jake had the chance to answer, alarms sounded in another room and Julie apologised, before she moved swiftly to the door and left the room for some emergency.

 

Jake turned his head back to Dan and he smiled at him. He reached and took his hand again. He thought about saying the words but once again, he decided this time was not about how he felt or what he wanted and it certainly was not about what would make him feel better inside.

 

“You know, Dan, you better have plenty of energy when you wake up because anyone who sleeps this much, shouldn’t need to sleep for a month when they finally do wake up,” he said and then laughed, like it was any normal conversation between the two of them.

 

Suddenly the door opened again and the older, head nurse, looked in and told Jake it was time for him to leave. Jake nodded and looked at his watch, as the nurse turned away and let the door close again. He stood up and kissed Dan’s lips. He ran his hand down over his chest and told him he would see him tomorrow. He picked up his backpack and flung it over his shoulder and walked to the door but before opening it, he turned back and looked at Dan again.

 

“Don’t sleep too long,” he said with a large smile and then he turned and quietly exited from the room.

 

***