Chapter 8 
Clarity.

 

The look on Jackson’s face was completely disagreeable, as he stared at the man he had been talking to for just over an hour. The man was in his mid to late twenties with blonde hair and pale blue eyes. He had one of those faces that despite his average looks, there was that inexplicable something that made him attractive.

 

It was not sexual attraction that Jackson felt. Rather, it was a kind of emotional connection that made him want to be closer to the man. At one point, maybe about fifteen minutes earlier, a strange thought ran through Jackson’s mind, an unusual desire for the man to sit close beside him, wrap his arms around him, to support him in actions as well as words.

 

Regardless of the odd feelings of trust, Jackson thought the last thing the man had said made no reasonable sense. He thought the man was reaching for a solution and the conclusion he had reached was implausible.

 

“One thing has nothing to do with the other. That’s not possible,” Jackson replied.

 

Trevor looked at Jackson with a questioning expression and said, “Is that so?”

 

“Well, okay, maybe it’s possible but Trevor, how on earth can you make the jump from Ben’s death to my problem, just like that?”

 

“I didn’t just jump from one place to another. It was a bridge with multiple foundational supports. I’m not only referring to Ben’s death, Jackson, I’m referring to a string of events over a certain period of time.”

 

“I don’t understand,” Jackson said.

 

“Jackson, why did you say no to Ben when he asked you to let him penetrate you?”

 

“It scared me. His erection was big and I couldn’t imagine it fitting inside of me. I thought it would hurt so bad and I thought it would rip me open and make me bleed.”

 

“That’s a scary thought for an eleven-year-old boy during his first sexual experience.”

 

“The thought certainly freaked me out. As I already told you, it wasn’t just a thought, I actually pictured it in my mind and it seemed so real and like, well, tangible,” Jackson replied.

 

“Yes and that’s a large part of what brought me to the conclusion I’ve drawn, following everything you’ve told me. Now I’m going to slowly explain it to you, so I’ll continue.

 

“You said to me that at the time you thought your reaction to Ben’s death was extreme because you hardly knew him. The truth is, it was perfectly natural. Even though you didn’t know Ben for very long, you liked him and you also fantasised about him. Then he became your first sexual experience, which is always a huge event, even if it doesn’t seem that way to some people. Then there was your reaction to his disappearance, which I’ll cover in a moment and finally, there was the shock of learning not only that Ben was dead but also, how he died. The entire set of occurrences where Ben was concerned could not have been anything other than deeply influential in your mind.

 

“Jackson, Ben called you scared and a little boy because you wouldn’t let him penetrate you. Then he told you he was going to have sex with an older man instead of you, when he knew you wanted to experiment more. He told you that because you wouldn’t let him have his way or give him what he wanted. It was a pressure statement. He was fundamentally saying, ‘If you want sex with me than give me what I want or you get nothing.’ Despite him trying to manipulate you in that manner, you still said no.

 

“The next thing that happened regarding that event was Ben vanishing from your life. As you said to me earlier, you thought he disappeared because of you and you blamed yourself. You told me you thought he would’ve come back if you’d said yes.

 

“You said to me you felt different after that day. You said you felt excited and happy and you became more sure and aware of yourself. However, you also said you kept going back to the treehouse looking for Ben. You said you were hoping for sex and to relive the experience but you also said you were hoping you could apologise to him.

 

“What you were experiencing after the fact was two distinct parts of you. You had sex, you enjoyed it and you wanted more. At the same time you weren’t getting more because Ben was no longer around. You were angry with yourself because it was your choice that had denied you more sex with Ben. Though your choice felt positive your denial felt negative and so you felt like your own worst enemy. Your need to apologise was about you, not Ben.”

 

“I’m sure that by this point in your life you’re already aware of this but I’m still going to confirm something for you right now. Jackson, regardless of the reason for your choice and reaction that day, you made a rational decision and acted accordingly. You did nothing wrong and an apology to Ben was not necessary or warranted. In fact, it was Ben that did the wrong thing by you. If anything, he owed you an apology.

 

“So, during the year that followed, even though much of what you experienced was day-to-day routine and standard life, everything that had occurred was still very much alive inside of you. It was like a pot of stew you’d moved to the back burner and left simmering. You knew it was there but your focus was elsewhere.

 

“Over a year later, suddenly Blake tells you Ben was raped and murdered by a man. The circumstances as a culmination of events that took place over that period, effected you so specifically because you were at the beginning of your adolescence.

 

“Understand, Jackson, your whole body was changing and that includes your brain chemistry. Though your world was fundamentally the same, everything was changing. You reached the part of your life when you began to leave childhood behind. Though it’s not the same for everyone, it’s still a challenging time.

 

“Some kids act out, some kids withdraw inward and some kids are oblivious to the thoughts and feelings occurring and they only seem to change physically. Adolescence is a time when all the ingredients get shaken up as we begin to change. The mind, the heart and the body are silently screaming in a type of confusion or uncertainty and therefore, all any kid can really do is muddle through, at least until the change is no longer change and the new becomes regular and normal.

 

“You spoke of a sense of growing up at the time. Then you were thrust into a traumatic event but you felt like you couldn’t tell anyone because you were gay and because you’d had sex with Ben. So rather than talking and learning and understanding, you turned down the heat on the stew and put a lid over it. Everything probably seemed to you like it would be easier to try and move on and forget about what happened.

 

“What occurred may have been spread out over a period of a year but you were young and things were moving slowly. All of those experiences and information and questions and uncertainties, it was like they all hit a bottleneck and got stuck. Over time you cleared the traffic jam of most of what you’d been confronted by but that specific issue about anal penetration, probably seemed like one of the least important parts of what happened to you. If you did think about it, whether you remember or not, you probably shrugged it off.

 

“Fear is a huge nemesis of the human species. Sometimes we think that a specific fear is just something temporary or a passing thing we react to in any given moment. Sometimes it is and sometimes it’s not. Two people are scared by a spider, one simply learns to be cautious around spiders but the other becomes arachnophobic. What I’m suggesting is that as an eleven-year-old, the fear of an erection being forced inside of you, though it may not have concerned another boy, it affected you more profoundly than you understood at the time.

 

“You literally pictured a frightening scenario in which you were physically damaged by the choice to allow it to occur. It naturally scared you and your mind came to a conclusion. That’s how we choose and learn. Fluffy puppies are nice to touch and make us feel good and so the mind says yes. Burnt fingers on a stove are painful and terrible and so the mind says no.

 

“Unfortunately, that fear got lost amidst your excitement of your first sexual experience, of the internal acceptance of who you were, of Ben walking away from you, of your growing guilt that you’d made the wrong decision and ultimately, the tragic events surrounding Ben.

 

“When you learned about Ben’s death and about an older man as the cause, those two distinct occurrences merged in a kind of association. As an eleven-year-old, the fear was of being penetrated by Ben. As a twelve-year-old, the fear was of Ben being violently penetrated by an older man. The events were individual but in your mind they became connected for the obvious reason.

 

“In the simplest of terms, Jackson, that seemingly innocuous fear of Ben penetrating you, as well as the fear of the older man penetrating Ben, has been like a wedge under a door, stopping it from closing. To this point because of your dominant sexual role with Saad, there’s been no cause for alarm. However, your personal consideration of opening up to the experience with Saad, has been enough to capture your attention and let you know that something wasn’t right.

 

“So, Jackson, I suspect all of those things as a whole were the reason why, as you put it, you felt so screwed up as you were getting older. The adolescent changes continued, your hormones continued to adjust and by the sounds of what you said to me, a significant sex drive was building. Fundamentally, you wanted love and sex with a boy or a man; preferably Brad but regardless, deep in your subconscious though, remained the idea that penetration or more specifically, forced penetration, might become an issue in your life.

 

“You talked about gay men and older men and being terrified of them forcing you into being penetrated. Think about it, Jackson. In essence, what you’re referring to is rape. Within a year of your first sexual experience, the boy who wanted to penetrate you was raped and then suddenly, you have an overwhelming fear of being forced or more specifically, being raped.

 

“Within your next experiences as a young adult, you find yourself with a young man you trust and are attracted to. Everything seemed good and fine but the moment you consider letting Saad penetrate you, what was it you said;” Trevor asked and then looked down at his notes before he continued, “Oh yes, your chest tightened up and your mind internalised.”

 

“Holy shit, Trevor, I get it. I actually understand everything you just said and it actually all makes perfect sense to me. It’s like a jumble of letters just rearranged and now I can understand what they say. How or why didn’t I see it?”

 

“The trauma of Ben’s death was probably the defining moment but it was everything as a whole, as I explained to you, which seemed so much more important and influential to you. It’s why you missed the sign in front of you. The thing is, trauma can have serious obstructionist effects on the human mind or psyche, particularly when a group of events occur at the same time,” Trevor clarified.

 

“I can’t believe it but right at this very moment, I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders,” Jackson commented.

 

“That’s good, Jackson. It’s also not unusual,” Trevor said.

 

“I don’t understand why I didn’t know it was fear when I was with Saad. I mean I knew I felt a type of anxiety but it didn’t feel like I understand fear to be.”

 

“What you felt was not under extreme force or pressure. It was you asking the question; no one else was. It’s not like a car speeding toward you where you had no control other than to decide to try and dive out of the way. It was all internal. You thought about penetration and questioned yourself about doing it. All that happened was your fear, which was a long-term, psychological fear, said no and shut down your ability to act.”

 

“Right, I can understand that. So if Saad had forcefully said he wanted to fuck… I mean penetrate me; well, your saying my reaction would have been more extreme?”

 

“Fundamentally, yes, Jackson.”

 

“Okay. So does this mean… Um… Can I... Um… Now?”

 

Trevor laughed and replied, “Eventually, Jackson. I mean there’s no time limit on healing. You might feel free enough to experiment the next time you have sex with Saad or you might still feel uncertainty, as you slowly break down the psychology. It depends on the individual.”

 

“You’re amazing, Trevor.”

 

“Well educated and well practiced, Jackson.”

 

“Whatever, your incredible to me. You sorted all of that out in ninety-plus minutes. Do you even understand how mind-blowing that is to me?”

 

“I’m fairly sure I do, Jackson. I’m very pleased I was able to help you get to the bottom of what’s been holding you back. You also should know that it was only possible because you revealed everything so honestly. That’s a big secret you’ve been holding onto, Jackson. Practically everyone in this country knew about that case.”

 

“When I think back on it these days, I now understand that even though he was older and seemed so much smarter and more together than I was at the time, Ben was still just a boy struggling with his sexuality and his place in his life. He was attractive, he was fun and in general he was nice but in a way he was just as innocent and immature as I was. I still feel really sad when I think about him and I often think if he’d just been a little more patient, he’d still be alive today.”

 

“And you’re right, Jackson.”

 

“You know, there have been three very specific and very important secrets I’ve had in my life. The first was my sexuality, the second was how I’ve always felt about Brad and the third was about Ben. Does this mean that it’s always better not to keep secrets?”

 

Trevor grinned before he replied, “I wouldn’t suggest making a habit out of them but secrets aren’t necessarily bad or unhealthy things, Jackson. On some occasions a secret can save another person’s life from being torn apart. If a secret can stop deep hurt or pain then from my personal perspective, it should be seriously considered, even though I do advocate for honesty and openness as the best policy.

 

“On the other hand, some secrets can be like insidious weeds in a beautiful garden, sucking up all the goodness and choking the life out of magnificent flowers and plants. Those secrets need to be extracted at the root before they do serious damage. Like most things in life, Jackson, it’s about choice. We need to try to be wise about things like that.

 

“In your case, as a boy, wisdom was not a large consideration. Now that you’re seventeen, though, it might be a good idea for you to consider or reconsider the knowledge about your sexuality. You need to begin to accept yourself more than you do. Sexuality from a scientific or just a practical standpoint, is considered a mutable thing. It’s part of who we are and though we can be very fixed at times, we’re not a fixed species. Any part of us that is diverse should be given the right to express itself in the way it needs to. It’s healthy for the mind, heart and body.”

 

“Are you telling me I have to come out?”

 

“It’s not an order, Jackson. You won’t instantly die if you don’t come out but you also won’t be able to exist as freely as you could if you did. As I said, it’s healthier.”

 

“Why does it need to be screamed out to the entire world?”

 

“I didn’t say it did, Jackson. The reality is that it doesn’t, although, considering the LGBT community, it is understandable that they did shout it from the rooftops, so to speak, as they were striving for change. The point I’m making is that you don’t have to tell everyone and certainly not strangers who have no influence in or on your life. I do think it’s better to be honest and open with the people you love and care about though, rather than pretending to be something you’re not.”

 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right and deep down I know that but Brad is a different kettle of fish,” Jackson said.

 

Trevor looked at Jackson with a curious expression and asked, “What do you think will happen if you told him?”

 

“It’s weird because I want him to know. I want to tell him but…”

 

When Jackson did not continue, Trevor asked, “You think he won’t accept you?”

 

“Actually, Trevor, I think he would accept me completely.”

 

“So what’s the issue, Jackson?”

 

“I don’t know. He’s my closest friend and I know he loves me in that way and I believe he’d do almost anything for me but…”

 

“But what, Jackson?”

 

“I don’t know. I really don’t know. I’ve already told you I’m in love with him and that I have been for years. There’s just this fear inside of me that if I told him, something bad might happen?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“I don’t know? The thought of it just scares the shit out of me. I can’t loose him.”

 

“So you think if you tell him you’ll lose him?”

 

“No, I mean not really. I don’t know. When I think about coming out to him, it’s like a thought that has no end,” Jackson said, looking confused.

 

“Well that’s because you’ve never completed the thought or given it a solution. You know you’re wearing a mask, right? You’re hiding your true face from the man you love, as well as from your closest friend, Jackson. He doesn’t know who is friend really is deep down.”

 

“You’re right, Trevor. Everyone I love and care about needs to know but the rest of the world, well, I don’t think it’s any of their business.”

 

“Is there a reason you don’t want everyone to know?”

 

“Yeah, there is. It’s like this, Trevor. If you and I walked out onto the street tomorrow and I pointed to a man on the street that I knew but you didn’t know, do you think you could tell me what his sexuality was?”

 

“No, not really. It’d be a fifty-fifty guess at best, Jackson.”

 

“Okay and so if he was heterosexual, do you think he should have to walk up to you and tell you he was straight?”

 

“No, of course not.”

 

“So then why do so many people believe that I have to?”

 

“Ah, I understand. You’re considering it from an equality and fairness point of view. From that perspective I can’t argue with you, Jackson. In that way it’s a reasonable analysis and therefore an acceptable and adult choice. You’ve drawn a rational line that you’re comfortable with and that should be the boundary you exist within, at least for now. The thing is, there is a degree of lack of self-acceptance involved. You can tell yourself it’s not fair but that’s the way life is and so accepting that as the case, it becomes an excuse. If it is nothing more than an excuse than you need to think about why you’re putting limitations on coming out completely?”

 

Jackson dropped his head and stared down into his lap momentarily before he said, “Yeah, I guess so.”

 

“I will offer you this point of view, Jackson. Heterosexuals don’t believe it’s required and aren’t required to come out as heterosexual because they’re the majority. I’m not suggesting to you that it’s fair or right but in this world we exist in, the term majority is associated with the social norm and the social norm is simply accepted. Therefore to most people, it is expected, unfairly so, that all people are going to be or should be part of the majority.

 

“As I said, it’s not fair or right but when people are part of minorities, not only do the majority point them out as different but also, sometimes the people in the minority point themselves out as well. Sometimes it’s natural and can’t be helped; like skin colour or hair colour but often times it’s done purposely, as a way to force their difference to be seen and accepted.

 

“Those people can do that by speaking differently, by acting differently, by dressing differently or any other way to stand out from the crowd. Sometimes we all want to be the same but other times we all want to be different. Whatever the case, it has become a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped and the only way to stop it, is to force the majority to accept the minorities as normal. The majority has to begin to see minority differences as no more out of the ordinary than blood type differences. The best way to bring about that change is for the minorities to continue to stand in the open, when they’re ready, of course.

 

“So anyway, Jackson, when you’re ready and you think it’s appropriate and the time is right, you should always present your true face to the people that matter. I believe that includes Brad but that’s up to you.

 

“It might actually be a good idea for you to put some serious thought into what you think is stopping you from telling Brad. You want to tell him, you believe he will accept you if you do and yet, you’re afraid to tell him and worry something bad will happen. You say you have no idea as to why but it sounds to me like fear. You definitely need to give that some thought.”

 

“I will but Trevor, did I do the right thing or the wrong thing by not saying anything to Brad about what happened on the night he came home drunk?”

 

“It’s a curious one, Jackson. It’s one of the main reasons I said to you that maybe something might happen. As much as I understand he was in a pass-out-drunk state, which means he may well have also been in an alcohol induced, blackout state of mind, something about that occurrence seems slightly off kilter to me. I’m not saying he didn’t forget but I’m wondering if he really didn’t remember anything at all? I’ll admit my question lacks a basis of knowledge about Brad at the time but still, I’m uncertain about that situation.

 

“Irrespective, whatever the truth is, you chose to be silent and if he did remember, than he chose to be silent as well. There’s no right or wrong about it, there’s only the choice that was made and the subsequent outcome that follows.”

 

“I’ve been backing off from him since that night. I mean I still have my regular visits but if he was aware and chose to say nothing, all that suggests is I’m wasting my time.”

 

“Maybe but maybe not, Jackson. You can never know what’s going on in another persons mind.”

 

“He said the same thing to me the following day.”

 

“And he’s right, Jackson. However, you say you’re backing away from him. Are you backing away from the man you’re in love with or are you backing away from your closest friend?”

 

“Shit. You had to throw a spanner into the works, didn’t you?”

 

“Just trying to make you think about your actions clearly, Jackson.”

 

“You’re right. Again. I love my friend and I love the man and they’re not separate entities. I’ll stop my detachment. It’s only really about trying to stop the way I feel, after all. I don’t want to hurt him and I really don’t want things to change with him and so withdrawing from him is not a smart decision.”

 

“Another good choice, Jackson.”

 

“So, Trevor, what’s your prognosis on the state of me now? Do I need a padded cell?”

 

“Seriously, Jackson, I think you’ll be okay. However, if you still feel blocked regarding penetration as time progresses or you don’t feel anything has changed in the near future, then I think it might be to your benefit to give me a call and we’ll have a deeper dig around. The old human mind isn’t as simple as a hard drive on a computer. You can’t just format the brain and re-install.”

 

“I guess there are times it would be easier if you could?”

 

“Jackson, you have no idea just how true that is. If it were possible, the amount of peoples lives around the world that could be fixed with a simple download would be off the charts. Someone will probably write a science fiction storyline or make a movie with that idea in mind, if they haven’t already.”

 

Jackson nodded and then said, “Jessie told me I was not to force the issue of payment with you. The thing is, though I do feel like I owe you in a way that is more than you could understand; Trevor, I want to offer you as many free massages as you want for the rest of your life. I’m pretty good at what I do and though it may not come close to digging in the grey matter, digging in the muscles is very important as well. Here’s my card from where I work but that mobile number, you can get me anywhere and anytime and for you, I mean that genuinely.”

 

“Payment accepted, Jackson, except not life time payment. You’ll never be financially secure if you give your services for free every time someone does something for you. I do get massages and so I’ll give you a call sometime in the near future. Anyway, it’s after nine o’clock and I need to get some dinner and get to bed. It’s Monday tomorrow and I’ve got a full calendar of clients.”

 

Jackson nodded, stood up immediately and moved straight to the front door before he turned around and extended his hand. Trevor took it and as he shook firmly, Jackson said, “Thank you, so much, Trevor.”

 

“It’s what I do, Jackson. Have a good night.”

 

***

 

Riding his bike home after his consultation with Trevor, there were a lot of things on Jackson’s mind. After a time he thought he should call Saad and go directly to his apartment, to discover if he could now have sex and consider being penetrated without suffering anxiety. Strangely, he felt like he was not ready to go there just yet.

 

He had gone to see Saad only the night before, right after he left Jessie’s place. They had gone at it again for over an hour, right after he told Saad about the possibility he might get a call from Levi at Body Ease. The two young men had really become very close friends and actually cared about each other deeply but regardless, Jackson was very aware that as hot as the sex always was, it was decidedly physical and only satisfied him on that level. It was not a bad thing, he just knew it was not all he was looking for.

 

He also thought about going to see Jessie. He felt so excited by the clarity Trevor had given him and he wanted to tell Jessie how amazing her friend was. He was truly grateful she had brought about what happened. Instantly again, though, “Not now,” was the concept that ran through his mind. He felt like there was something else he needed to do, except that he had no idea what that something else could be.

 

Living quite some distance from Trevor, he still had at least another thirty minutes before he would arrive home and he had already been riding for at least fifteen minutes. It was a standard dark night and quite warm for the beginning of March, the traffic was fairly light at that time and though he was fully aware of what he was doing and what was happening around him, Jackson soon drifted into a deeper train of thought.

 

It began as all of the things he and Trevor had discussed were rolling swiftly through his mind. However, of all the things that had been brought to the surface while he was talking to Trevor, it was one of the very last things that became prominent in his thoughts.

 

“It’s time I came out to everybody that matters to me.”

 

“You don’t need to do it yet, do you? I mean it certainly would make things easier and more relaxed but why now? I mean there’s no rush, is there?”

 

“No, there’s no rush but there’s an old phrase, ‘The sooner the better.’ I think that’s true.”

 

“You’ve finally just sorted out one problem and now you want to create another? What’s wrong with you?”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with me and I don’t think it’s the creation of another problem. It’s called dealing with things before they become a problem and I think that’s a good thing.”

 

Jackson noticed he was involved in an internal dialogue. He thought it really was like those cartoons when a little angel was on one shoulder and a little devil was on the other, as they both debated the course the owner of the shoulders should take. Comically, Jackson turned and looked at his shoulders and then turned his eyes back to the road.

 

Relaxing again, he continued peddling like the matter was settled. After all, in that moment, only two things seemed of consequence. One was enjoying feeling how light he suddenly felt and the other was his eventual arrival home. He sort of felt a little tired after the session with Trevor. He had dug up quite a few issues and though he had no idea doing something like that could take so much out of him, he was sort of looking forward to getting home and going to bed. Regardless, the internal conversation piped up again.

 

“Telling Mum would be really nice and I’m pretty certain she’d be super cool with it, even if she was not totally happy about it. Not that I know either way.”

 

“Yeah but have you even thought of the reaction you’ll get from Frank? Can you even imagine what that will be like? ‘Unnatural, that’s what it is. You’re sick. Real men don’t do things and think things like that. How can my son be that way? Get out of my house and never show your face around here ever again.’ That’s what he’ll say.”

 

Jackson actually laughed out loud as he continued riding. His laughter was because in his mind, he had given Frank the voice of a gruff, old ogre or an ugly troll under a rickety bridge.

 

“When he gets on his high horse, that’s what he sounds like to me.”

 

“Where would you go if he kicked you out?”

 

“Mum wouldn’t let him kick me out.”

 

“No but then you’d be the cause of tension between them.”

 

“I’ve got a good and stable job, I’m making good money and I could rent a place and start my own life on my own.”

 

“Rent in Sydney? Are you insane?”

 

“There’d have to be some cheaper places somewhere.”

 

The expression on Jackson’s face changed dramatically, as he realised how far off the beaten track his mind had diverted from where he had started.

 

“Shit, Jackson, talk about jumping the starting gun. You haven’t even come out yet. Let your mind wander much, do you?”

 

Grinning at what seemed a little insane, Jackson thought internal conversations were not meant to take place in situations like this. He glanced around to get his bearings on exactly where he was and then he calculated maybe twenty minutes until he reached home. Seconds later, though, the thoughts inside his mind kicked off again.

 

“What if Brad doesn’t accept you?”

 

“Brad will always accept me no matter what.”

 

“But what if he didn’t? Are you prepared to lose him from your life if that’s one of the things you don’t know about him? What if he can’t accept the person you are?”

 

“I’m not going to deal in hypotheticals. He’s the closest person to me in my life and anyway, I know absolutely, Brad will never turn his back on me. We’re like knife and fork, hammer and nail and bread and butter. He won’t. I just know he won’t.”

 

“If that’s the case, why are you so hesitant about telling him? You just told Trevor that you don’t know why? You can’t be that certain now, if you’re so uncertain deep down?”

 

“I’m certain but for some weird reason I’m still scared.”

 

“It doesn’t make sense and that’s why Trevor told you to think about it.”

 

“It’s confusing. We’ve been friends for so long and I don’t want to lose that but I also never stop thinking about living with him and loving him and being naked with him. The idea of him loving me and holding me is like my greatest dream in life. I know it’s unlikely but there’s this tiny part of me that believes it’s possible. I don’t want to lose either of the possibilities; friends or lovers. Either way, as strange as it seems, I still believe he’ll accept me no matter what.”

 

“Maybe there’s an answer but maybe it just feels easier to remain in the dark?”

 

“I don’t want to remain in the dark. Hell, it’s simple. I need him to know, he needs to know and so I just have to tell him and accept the consequences. I need to be an adult and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to tell him when the time is right.”

 

With his sense of certainty about Brad and with his belief that April would be okay with it, as well as the knowledge that Saad and Jessie already accepted him completely, Jackson smiled into the night and decided that no matter what happened, everything would somehow work out okay.

 

He still had no idea when he would come out but he felt a certainty at his core, the time was not too far down the track. He leaned forward, increased his speed a little more and sooner rather than later, he walked through the front door of his home. He looked at April and Frank who were sitting on the lounge watching something on the television. They both turned and looked up at him.

 

“Hi,” he said with a big smile.”

 

Frank nodded without a word and turned back to the television but April looked at him curiously. She thought his smile seemed too large even though she knew it was genuine and she was happy to see it. She thought her son was happy about something and deep inside, she wished he wanted to sit down with her and tell her all about it?

 

“I don’t mean to be rude or sound dismissive but I’m sort of tired so I’m gonna hit the sack early,” he said.

 

“Is everything okay, Jackson?”

 

“Everything’s great, Mum. I’m just extra tired. I was up early, I was out and about all day and really it’s been a bit of a hectic weekend. I think I just need a good nights sleep. Have a good night, guys, okay?”

 

Unexpectedly, Frank turned and looked at his son. He thought Jackson was being responsible and said, “Good man. Goodnight” and then he turned back to the television.

 

In what was almost comical, both Jackson and April looked at Frank as if he had just sprouted wings. They then looked at each other with wide eyes and mouths agape. Jackson shrugged and April raised her eyebrows.

 

Only a moment later, April nodded with the softest smile and satisfied eyes and said, “Sleep well, Sweetheart.”

 

“Yeah, I will. You too, Mum. Goodnight.”

 

“Night,” she said and watched him turn and walk toward the back of the house.

 

After entering his bedroom and turning on the light, he closed the door and glanced around his room momentarily. It seemed somehow unusual that he was about to do what he was going to do. He could not remember the last time he had gone to bed so early. It was not even ten o’clock. He felt like it was wrong and like he should do something else but he knew there was nothing he wanted to do, other than what he had already decided to do.

 

In just over a minute, Jackson had entered his room, stripped down to his briefs, flicked off the light and literally dived from the bottom of his bed into position, his head landing exactly on his pillow. He rolled onto his back and turned his head just enough so he could look out the window and look up at the stars in the sky.

 

As he stared up, the silver sparkles dotted black silk and he felt a sense of peace surrounding him. The sound of life and activity and thought, seemed like their volume was being turned down. His mind was quieting so quickly, as was the world around him and he could palpably feel the heaviness of sleep being dropped like a shroud over his body. He closed his eyes and seconds later, his consciousness evaporated.

 

***

 

With only the corner lamp in his living room switched on, Brad was stretched out on the lounge, his head resting on the armrest, his body naked except for his briefs. The low light seemed more comfortable and it also seemed to more accurately reflect his mood. It had been two weeks since breakfast with Jackson and though he had seen Jackson a couple of times, he felt like he had not seen him enough.

 

Penny had lived up to her word and had not called or tried to see him. Even though he was seriously thinking he needed to look her in the eyes, just so he could know for sure how he felt, a larger portion of him felt like that part of his life was over. It was strange because the thought seemed utterly dismissive of a twelve-year relationship but at the same time, for the past two weeks he had been unable to get Jackson out of his mind. He was not only thinking about Jackson, he was dreaming about Jackson every night as well and now, he felt a little frustrated because Jackson was hardly around at a time when his door would purposely be open.

 

Jackson had turned up late on Friday night, saying he got caught up with a late massage. He came in, they talked for a bit and then Jackson said he was tired and needed to go home because he had to work a morning shift at Body Ease. He turned up in the afternoon for a weights session in the garage but left soon after, saying that he had to meet up with some friends. Brad felt they were excuses and not true.

 

The week before had been a similar tale of events. An expected arrival fulfilled and yet, a need to leave early for an appointment or some other pressing engagement. Brad was now beginning to wonder if he had said or done something wrong on that night when he was drunk. Jackson was suddenly different and Brad perceived it as withdrawn.

 

Following Jackson’s departure on the day they had breakfast, Brad had thoughts in his mind of spending a lot more time with Jackson, particularly now that Penny was not around. However, the best laid plans often remain in the back of the mind. None of his imagined possibilities were coming to pass. He thought given the right amount of time and the right situation, something could surely occur but nothing was working out the way he hoped it would.

 

As all of these thoughts were running through his mind once again, he looked over at the window. From his position with his head at the extreme left of the lounge, he could see Jackson’s bedroom window. When he saw Jackson’s light turn on, Brad jumped up and moved with haste to the window, his first thought to open it and call out, in the hope Jackson would hear and look across.

 

It did not even occur to Brad how odd his thoughts and actions were. The thought of Jackson was suddenly instigating excitement in a way it never had before. He did not even stop to think to simply pick up his mobile phone and send a text, as opposed to some strange window-to-window connection. There was something almost child-like about his reactions in that moment.

 

Unfortunately, less than about ninety seconds later, the light turned off and all that was left was a metal frame and glass that reflected any light source available. Brad sighed but moments later, there was a soft tap on the front door. Thinking the unlikely thought that perhaps it was Jackson and he had somehow been able to magically move from his bedroom to the front door in seconds, Brad thought nothing of his state of undress and moved around the opened door to the screen door. He stopped dead, frozen in shock.

 

“Hey,” Harley said.

 

“Hi,” Brad said, the look on his face showing he had no idea how the man knew where he lived.

 

With an immediate chuckle, Harley said, “Uh-oh, you don’t remember, do you?”

 

“Um, yeah, I remember who you are, Harley, it’s just, um, did I give you my address?”

 

“You sure did, Brad,” Harley said but then thoughtfully, his eyes flicked behind Brad and scanned what he could see of the room, before he looked back at Brad and asked, “Are you alone?”

 

“Yeah, I am but um… I don’t remember, um...”

 

Seeing and hearing the uncertainty, Harley cut in and said, “Brad, I followed you to your car and tried to stop you from driving home but I wasn’t quick enough and you closed and locked the door. You cracked the window open about three centimetres and you told me you had broken up with your girlfriend and that you’d like to see me again. You then got a pen and paper out of your glove compartment and you gave me your name and address. See,” Harley said and held up the paper.

 

Brad leaned closer and recognised his writing. He could not believe he had done it but as he looked back up into Harley's striking, light, crystal blue eyes and the handsome face, he was well aware of his attraction to the man.

 

This time Harley was wearing tight, light blue jeans. On top, though, he was only wearing a light cotton, flimsy singlet, which could barely contain his huge chest. His shoulders and arms were comparable if not bigger than Brad’s and Brad could not stop the sudden urges he felt. He knew this was not as much about Harley as it was about Jackson but still he lifted his hand, flicked the latch and opened the door.

 

“Come in, Harley.”

 

Harley smiled, stepped passed him and as Brad was closing the screen door and locking it, Harley said, “I really wanted to visit earlier but I couldn’t get your state of mind out of my head from that night. I almost drove here so many times but the idea of you breaking up with your girlfriend and how drunk you were as a consequence, as well as you letting me get you off that night, well, I guess I felt like I should give you a little time to process.”

 

When Brad turned around his face had changed. He looked like someone in a foreign city who did not know where he was. There was an obvious display of uncertainty in his eyes. Harley believed he recognised what was happening immediately. On that night two weeks ago, he had come to the conclusion the breakup was about Brad’s sexuality. Now he thought Brad needed someone to support the new path he was taking. Right or wrong in his assumption, he took the few steps closer and as he pulled Brad into his arms and against his body, he said, “Hey, it’s okay.”

 

Feeling like he had to do something, which related to the moment but more so to Jackson, Brad lifted his right hand, grabbed Harley by the back of his neck and assertively pulled their mouth’s together for a heated and heavy kiss.

 

Despite what he believed was the truth, Harley was not about to let the opportunity pass. He wanted to be with the handsome hunk and the kiss was only adding fuel to his fire. He embraced Brad tightly and kissed back just as deeply and in seconds, hard cocks inside jeans and briefs, as well as powerful, male bodies, were instantly pressing for dominance.

 

Brad broke the hungry kiss and said, “I don’t really know what I’m doing?”

 

“What’s to know, Brad. We want each other and we’ve got each other, so take me to bed and let’s do whatever comes naturally.”

 

They left the room immediately, Brad led Harley into the bedroom and everything that followed, came even more naturally than either Brad or Harley would have expected. For Brad, the self-doubting thoughts were dismissed, as sex with another man while sober, occurred for him with the ease of breathing air into his lungs.

 

It was just prior to two o’clock in the morning when Harley sat up and swung his feet to the floor. He stared out the window into the night sky with a thoughtful expression on his face. Brad was instantly behind him, his chest against Harley’s back and his arms around his body. He kissed the side of Harley’s neck and said, “What are you doing?”

 

Without altering his gaze, Harley replied, “I think it’s time for me to get going, Brad.”

 

“Why? You’re more than welcome to stay. In fact, I’d love it if you did,” Brad replied, his motivation created by his desire to be comfortable as well as experienced for Jackson.

 

Still staring out into the night, Harley said, “Brad, listen, I really like you and even though I barely even know you, I know there could be something between us. I know we’re sexually attracted to each other and now that I’ve dragged you over that non-existent abyss you’ve been nurturing in your mind, I’m fully aware you and I are sexually compatible as well. Your hot as all hell, you’re a sweet and smart guy and as much as I know I’m gonna regret this, I have to leave because I know if I don’t, this won’t work out well for me.”

 

“But Harley...”

 

“No, Brad. I just let you fuck me, which is not something I give of myself to just any guy.”

 

Brad looked at the back of Harley’s head and he knew he was obviously not looking at him purposely. He then asked, “So… I mean, if you like me and I like you… I don’t understand what the problem is?”

 

“I can’t let myself fall for you. Brad, your cock was inside me to the root and you were looking into my eyes like you could see into my soul. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt but then in the middle of one of the most intense experiences of my life, you called me, Jackson.”

 

“What?”

 

“Listen to me, Brad, I don’t know how important Penny was as your girlfriend in the scheme of your life but I gotta tell you, she shouldn’t be your next port of call if that’s what you’re considering. Whoever this guy Jackson is, he’s the one you want and I envy him. If you could’ve seen what I saw in your eyes when you called me Jackson, you’d understand why I can’t risk my heart on you. If you were any other guy, I’d be suggesting we could be fuck buddies but unfortunately, I know with absolute certainty that just couldn’t work for me, not with you.”

 

Harley twisted to his right, Brad moved to his right and they met at the side and looked into each other’s eyes. Harley sighed loudly, wrapped his arms around Brad and he kissed him with such passion, it would have brought many a man to their knees. He broke his kiss, pulled away and stood up. He looked around, saw his clothes strewn all over the carpet and then began to get dressed.

 

All the while, Brad sat naked on the bed and watched the hot man with a good heart, move farther into the distance, before he had even left his bedroom. Finally, Harley walked back over to the bed, looked down and said, “Follow your nature, it’ll always bring you home.” He kissed Brad again, then turned and left the room and a few moments later, Brad heard the screen door close and he knew that Harley was gone.

 

Standing up a few minutes after he heard Harley’s car start and drive away, Brad went to the toilet, took a shower and then instead of returning to bed, he walked into the living room and turned on his sound system. He put on a CD and as the music and lyrics drifted through the air, Brad’s mind began to drift with similar ease.

 

While he had been showering, his mind had taken him to an unexpected place. Seemingly from out of nowhere, he was remembering back to his time with Michael. It was not just single moments he was recalling, it was from their very first meeting, all the way through to the end of their last day together. It was the moment they pronounced their friendship, through to the moment they pronounced true love. Somehow those six days, eighteen years ago, had built a private sanctuary inside of him and now it was not just visual memories, it was the influence of that experience, coursing through his veins.

 

He felt so incredibly emotional but not in a bad way or even in a good way. He just felt like things were swirling inside of his body. He knew the thoughts of that time with Michael had instigated all these crazy emotions and he also knew that all of those emotions were about what was missing inside of him. He wanted love so badly in that moment but he knew he wanted it to be accompanied by a strong, male body, wrapped tightly around his.

 

It made so much sense that these feelings and needs were connected to Michael. Brad knew they were what he had felt on that day so long ago. From that acknowledgement in his mind, which could not have been any clearer, it was suddenly just as clear that from the beginning until two weeks ago, what he had felt with Penny had never felt that way. Their connection had never elicited such heavy or intense feelings. He loved Penny and there was no doubting it but he just did not love her in a way that made his heart want to ignite.

 

Eighteen years ago, Michael had taught him what that felt like. Now, eighteen years later, Jackson was teaching him the same lesson again. Ironically, Jackson did not even know just how important he was in his life. Brad did not know if it meant he was gay, however, what he did know was that the only two people who ever made him feel those feelings, were both guys.

 

Penny was beautiful, she was sweet, kind and sexy and she was also highly sexual and a great partner to be with. Now, though, as Brad considered it in a very practical way; the cake he had chosen was missing a piece from the beginning. With the cake seeming so perfect, though, what was missing was easily overlooked, at least until now.

 

He now thought he needed that piece because it satisfied a huge part of who he was. He had denied himself that piece for years because the rest was so good but now, he felt like that piece was available. The piece was not a specific type of sex; what he had denied himself was the full power and passion of true love.

 

Suddenly it occurred to Brad that all of this was not about yesterday, it was about today and tomorrow. It was not about Michael or finding someone from his past, it was about embracing what was right in front of him in the present. This was all about Jackson.

 

He knew his encounter with Harley had laid that out clearly, in no uncertain terms. Harley was a hot and sexy hunk, he was great in bed and Harley was even thinking about him as more than just a fuck. As great as Harley was though, Brad had not felt those feelings and he knew Harley could not fill the space of the missing piece. Over quite a few years, Brad had already received so many signals, both subtle as well as obvious, pointing him toward Jackson. If he needed a bigger signal, though, calling Harley, Jackson, sealed the deal.

 

It was time and it was clear that it was time. All he had to do was tie up the loose ends and reach out his hand and grab what had been missing from his life. He thought about Michael again and he looked upward and said, “Thank you, Michael, whoever you are and wherever you are. It took me a while but I got here in the end because of you.”

 

Jackson so easily consumed his mind. Brad may not have known it a month ago, a year ago or even ten years ago but tonight was a different matter. Jackson had been a secret even from him. Of course there had been moments and thoughts and even blatant occurrences, however, each and every time he had dismissed those signals and pushed them into the background.

 

Over the last few weeks, though, his secret thoughts and feelings were scratching his bones as they dug their way out to the surface of his skin. This week he had been wishing for something to happen and finally, now, he was thinking it was time he grabbed the tiger by the tail and told Jackson how he felt.

 

In that moment, almost incongruously, Brad wondered if Jackson was truly gay? It seemed a life time had pointed to that likelihood; nothing so much as a seventeen-year-old, young man, still hanging around with a thirty-year-old man and calling him his best friend. Jackson, at least to Brad’s knowledge, had never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend and additionally, he had chosen to never speak about that one part of his life. Brad knew everything about Jackson, except for that. How could he not be gay?

 

“One way or another, I’m going to force the truth out into the open and if everything falls into place, I’m going to push down the wall.”

 

Suddenly, Brad’s emotions settled, he felt clarity and certainty and the slightest degree of excitement. He turned off the sound system, closed the front door, switched off the lamp and went back to bed. Exactly five minutes later, as if all his problems were non-existent, Brad was deep in the arms of sleep.

 

***

 

“Good morning,” April said, as Jackson turned through the doorway into the kitchen.

 

“Oh shit! You scared me, I wasn’t expecting anyone to be at home. Just as well I’m not prone to walking around this house naked,” Jackson said.

 

Joking in response, April asked, “Are you prone to walking around other houses naked?”

 

“No, of course not but maybe if you and Dad bought me a home of my own, I could,” he joked back.

 

“Hah! You think we’re made of money, Jackson? You want a house from us then you’ll just have to hang around until we die.”

 

“Isn’t that the point of selfless suicides? Sacrificing the self for another soul? You and Dad could sign over all the documents; you know, deed, bank accounts and the like and then we could build a bonfire in the backyard and...”

 

“I think that’ll be quite enough of your deluded, sociopathic fantasies,” April said, even though she had a huge, amused grin on her face.

 

“Aw Mum, I was on such a roll.”

 

April looked at Jackson and she saw the cheeky smile, which told her he enjoyed a little banter.

 

“Morning, Mum,” he finally said.

 

April asked, “Would you like some breakfast?”

 

“No, Mum. You don’t have to do that or even offer anymore. I’m a big boy now and I’ve become accustomed to looking after my belly in the morning. Well, at least since you forced me into it with your selfish need to work. You do realise that I should have been your primary consideration, as opposed to making money to purchase the oils, trinkets and outfits women use as their feminine wiles. After all, I was just an innocent boy at the mercy of a dangerous world.”

 

“It was a tough choice,” she said sarcastically and then retrieved bacon, eggs and milk from the refrigerator in a single movement before asking, “How many slices of toast?”

 

“Four,” he replied with a grin.

 

“Well? Don’t just stand there like a stuffed pig, get the bread. I’ll have two slices,” she said.

 

“Yes, Ma’am,” he replied and jumped into action.

 

“I had a day off owing to me and I decided to take it today,” she said, answering before he asked.

 

“I’m not working until this afternoon,” Jackson replied, “Maybe we could spend the morning together, if you don’t have other plans?”

 

April turned her head just enough so she could glance at her son’s face. She smiled a smile that suggested he made her very happy and he smiled back.

 

“Don’t just stand there waiting for the toast to pop up, put a table cloth on the table and set it,” she said.

 

“Woman, you’re such an assertive slave driver.”

 

“I have to be, otherwise I’d never have gotten a moment to myself. You men are quite happy to sit like lumps of wet clay and let women do everything?”

 

“Isn’t cooking, washing and cleaning the natural role for women, Mum?”

 

Without any disturbed reaction, stone-faced she said, “Get me some broken glass for your eggs, would you, Dear?”

 

Jackson snorted and then said, “Oh damn. Sorry but we’re all out, Mum. Don’t worry, though, I’m okay going without special ingredients. What would you prefer, coffee or tea?”

 

“I know you prefer coffee but if you wouldn’t mind, Jackson, I’d love a tea.”

 

“Is a teabag okay or do you want me to make you a special teapot?”

 

Turning with an expression of curiosity, April looked at Jackson and felt certain something was going on. All of the joking around and pleasantness aside, now this? Offering the pot of tea was just a little too far. She felt sure he either wanted something or he wanted to tell her something. As she turned back and flipped the bacon, she said, “A teabag will be fine.”

 

When she finished cooking and began serving their meals onto plates, Jackson spread the toast and separated the four slices and two slices onto individual plates and then put them on the table. He then completed the beverages and as he was walking across to the table, April put the pan into the awaiting hot water to soak, before joining him at the table.

 

“Dig in, Jackson, you know better than to wait on formalities in this house,” she said.

 

“Oh wow, I love your cooking, Mum,” he said, as he piled a second serving of food into his mouth.

 

“Food always tastes better when someone else prepares it for you,” she said.

 

“Maybe but I still love your cooking,” he replied.

 

Following a short pause, April said, “So?”

 

Jackson looked up and asked, “So what?”

 

“Spit it out, Jackson, we don’t live forever.”

 

“You know, Mum, you’re getting a little spooky these days.”

 

“I’m a witch, Boy. Now do I have to cast a spell on you to get you to speak or do you just want to relieve the pressure of what’s on your mind naturally?”

 

“I think I’ll go with the spell. I can’t wait to see you and the coven, dancing naked around the flames beneath the moon, with bloodied goats heads on sticks.”

 

Leaning forward, April’s hand swung toward her son’s head and he jerked backwards, as they both looked at each other and laughed.

 

“Okay, okay, get a grip, Mum. Just as well you weren’t a queen in a past life, you would have been a tyrannous and oppressive ruler, lopping off heads every chance you got,” he said.

 

“Hmm, more fun than goats heads, I’d imagine?”

 

“Damn, Mum. Who are you?”

 

April gave him a smirk and then went silent as she continued eating. Jackson was chewing on some bacon but he was staring at her and wondering how she knew something was on his mind? It was only moments after he walked into the kitchen, he had thought that maybe now while they were alone, it might be a good time to come out.

 

“Mum?”

 

“Yes, Sweetheart?”

 

“I know that anything concerning our family should be made available to the whole family but if I asked you to keep something between us until I was ready for Dad to know, would you be agreeable to making that option available to me?”

 

“Like a temporary, conceptual suit of armour?”

 

Jackson grinned and said, “Whatever you want to call it.”

 

“I think I can agree to that, Jackson.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Oh for goodness sake, Jackson, you think you’re the only one who knows what a pain in the arse Frank can be? If any of us had a past life, there’s no doubting it was Frank and he was living happily in the Dark Ages,” April said and snorted.

 

“Holy shit, Mum, you’re so cool.”

 

“Why thank you, Kind Sir.”

 

A slightly extended silence followed in which April purposely kept her eyes on her plate, trying not to put any pressure on her son. She had a feeling she knew where this conversation was leading and she did not want to make it difficult for him. At the same time, Jackson tried to gather his courage and some rational thought.

 

“Okay, um, Mum… The thing is, Mum… Well, you see, Mum...”

 

April moved her hand across the table and allowed it to come to rest on top of Jackson’s hand, squeezing it gently. She then said, “Jackson, Sweetheart, I love you. I’ll always love you and until the day I die you’ll always have my complete support. There’s practically nothing you could say to me that would ever change the way I see you or think about you. Take a deep breath, trust the woman who gave birth to you and let your voice be heard.”

 

“Wow.”

 

“Pretty cool, hey? No practice or rehearsal. It was completely spontaneous,” she joked.

 

Jackson looked at her with the widest eyes, feeling like he was in some strange dream and he said, “Stop relaxing me and making me laugh. This isn’t easy for me and its supposed to be difficult.”

 

Shaking her head and now certain she was right about where she thought this was going, she asked, “Would you feel better if I cut you with a sharp knife?”

 

Jackson looked at her in disbelief. He had not rehearsed coming out but there was no way he could have foreseen this reaction. He looked at her and not knowing how to proceed, he said, “Oh fuck it. Mum, I’m gay!”

 

“Gay or Show tune gay?”

 

Jackson felt like he was in some weird, alternate reality. He wanted to laugh out loud at the comment, which would have been his natural reaction, however, current social attitudes forced him to take a different course.

 

Jesus, Mum,” Jackson said, following a gasp. “Do you even know how… How… Damn, what’s the word I’m looking for? Do you know how wrong that was?”

 

“I suspect the words you were struggling to find were ‘inappropriate’ or ‘politically incorrect’ but whatever the case, no, I don’t think it was wrong, certainly not in my own kitchen and certainly not in private with my son. Actually, to be blatantly honest, I think it was really quite funny,” she replied.

 

He looked at her not knowing what to say. She was not allowing this to go the way he was expecting it to go. He had thought she was either going to freak out that he was gay or accept it because she thought she had to but instead, her reaction was practically insignificant to the issue. He did not feel bad but nor did he feel good, he felt comfortably in between.

 

Having almost forgotten he had just come out, he was feeling a little confused and he said, “You’re right, it was funny but…”

 

“Honestly, Jackson, as much as I understand the reasons behind all the changes being made these days regarding appropriateness, I think there is a little bit of the scent of ‘Too far’ about it.”

 

“I know what you mean, Mum. Sometimes I wonder how long it will be before I’ll offend someone if I scratch my arse in public?”

 

“Yes, Jackson, it does seem that way. Australian culture used to be filled with people taking the piss out of other people, all for the sake of a smile and a laugh but these days, well, we have to consider and reconsider our every word to make certain we don’t end up in court. I understand it where tolerance and acceptance is concerned but I worry that the freedom, the humour and the nuance of human behaviour is at risk of becoming almost robotic, so people don’t have to deal with their insecurities.”

 

“Yeah, I think you’re right, Mum. I’m sorry I over-reacted.”

 

“Sweetheart, you have nothing to be sorry about. I can only imagine how difficult saying those words must be for anyone. Maybe my reaction was inappropriate but I didn’t want you to feel all that fear and uncertainty. I was trying to relieve you of the pressure. You’re my son and I love you. All I care about is that you’re happy, you’re healthy and that whoever you fall in love with, treats you with complete respect and loves you as much as you love him.”

 

Jackson noticed the masculine pronoun immediately and he felt like a fresh breeze of complete acceptance had just passed right through his body. One thing was still bothering him and so he asked, “How did you know, Mum?”

 

“I’m your mother, Jackson. Mothers know things about their children even if we don’t say anything. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I know you, I love you and I accept you.”

 

He looked at his mother with a huge smile and asked, “So, if I meet a guy, you’d be okay with me bringing him home to meet you?”

 

“Not if he’s an arsehole but if he lives up to my standards, absolutely,” she joked.

 

“Nice, Mum, real nice,” he said, now understanding and accepting what she was doing.

 

“Jackson, love is an individual thing. You fall in love for yourself, not for someone else.”

 

“Yeah, I know that but… I’d really want you to like him, if I did bring a man home.”

 

“Jackson, I’m sure when you meet someone they’ll be compatible with you and that should satisfy me. Is there someone special already that you’d like me to meet?”

 

Jackson studied her face and then said, “If I could bring the man of my dreams home to meet you, you wouldn’t need to ask that question, Mum.”

 

April looked at Jackson like she knew he was manipulating his words. He did not say there was not someone but he also did not say that there was?

 

“You keep saying man, Jackson, don’t you mean boy?”

 

“No, I mean man, Mum. I’m a man.”

 

“Well, a young man,” she replied.

 

“Split hairs much, do you, Mum?”

 

“You’re seventeen, Jackson. You’re still a boy to me, you’re my boy and you’ll always be my boy.”

 

Looking at her curiously, he asked, “Are you telling me you wouldn’t want me to get involved with an older man?”

 

April sighed, stared thoughtfully at the salt shaker on the table and when she finally looked up she replied, “Ideally, Jackson, I’d prefer for your first relationship, for you to be with someone close to your own age.”

 

“Why does it matter, Mum?”

 

“I was your age once, too,” she said.

 

“Well yeah, so?”

 

With a very large sigh she looked deeply into his eyes and said, “Sweetheart, long before you were even a thought and even before I met your father, about two years before to be exact, I fell in love with an older man…”

 

“You scarlet woman,” Jackson joked but instantly noticed there was no amusement on his mother’s face. His expression changed immediately and he said, “Sorry, Mum, that was inappropriate and I’m sorry for interrupting. Please go on.”

 

“I was sixteen and he was twenty-nine. His name was Adam and he swept me off my feet. I fell completely for him, so hard and so quickly and before I knew it, months were passing by. Jackson, I’m not going to go into all of the details of the six months we were together but suffice to say, four months after we met, by chance I saw him with an older woman and soon enough I discovered he was married and the woman was his wife.”

 

The expression on Jackson’s face was completely stunned and his eyes were like spotlights on his mother’s face.

 

“I confronted him and he told me he was in love with me and that he was going to leave his wife for me. I was gullible and naïve and head-over-heels in love with him and believed everything he said. It took another two months for the reality to take hold of my mind but eventually I knew he was lying to me and he was just using me. It was one of the hardest times of my life but I drew on all my strength and I walked away.”

 

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Mum.”

 

“Not as sorry as I was, Jackson. The point is, some older men can be shrewd in their treatment of young people when it comes to getting what they want from young lovers.”

 

“I can see the connection to what we were talking about but Mum, I know there’s something more here, so why are you telling me this?”

 

“Jackson, are you…”

 

Jackson stared at April for a drawn out moment and then asked, “Am I what?”

 

“Are you in love with Brad?”

 

It was the last thing he was expecting to hear and certainly the last question he was expecting to have to answer. He tried to look at his mother without giving anything away but he could not hold the expression and his eyes dropped down to the tablecloth. She sighed, reached across and squeezed his hand again.

 

“Oh, Sweetheart. How long have you felt that way about him?”

 

“Longer than you’d want to know or want to believe,” he said.

 

“I’m not going to be one of those parents who sit here and tell you that you’re too young or you don’t know what love is or even that it’s not possible. I know because I felt it too but Jackson, Brad and Penny have been in a heterosexual relationship for a long time. Do you really believe there is any chance for you?”

 

“It’s not like I haven’t thought about it, Mum. I’ve been thinking about it for years and wishing something could happen for years as well. Like everyone, I have my fantasies and dreams about possibilities but I’m not stupid. I know the chances are probably a million to one, if not more, however, I’m human and we all wish for things that are probably beyond reach. Anyway, Brad and I are friends, real friends and that changes everything,” Jackson said.

 

“By hanging onto something like that, you’re denying yourself what might be out there waiting for you,” April replied.

 

“I know that and I understand but Mum, as much as I wish Brad could be mine, I’m not going to throw away the best friend I’ve ever had because he can’t or won’t be my lover. I’m strong, too, Mum. Brad will always be my friend, even if he can’t be my partner.”

 

“I take it, Jackson, you’re still hoping that one day he might be?”

 

“I can’t let that hope die but Mum, I also can’t let the friendship die. Coincidentally, I’ve been thinking about this exact issue since last night. Something about it was bothering me and it’s taken me a while to understand it but I get it now. It’s not about being in love and it’s not about being friends; it’s about the absolute respect and connection between two men. The idea of losing that connection, regardless of the relationship we share, I’m just not willing to allow that to happen. I’ll accept Brad no matter what and therefore, I have to allow him the same by being completely open with him.”

 

“You’ve definitely got some smarts but whatever the case, we all make our own beds and so I suppose you have to lie in yours as well,” April said.

 

“Yeah but the only problem is having to sleep in my bed alone,” he replied.

 

April grinned but then said, “I’m assuming from what you just said, you haven’t told Brad you’re gay?”

 

“No, not yet, Mum. I plan on telling him soon, though.”

 

“You should prepare yourself because I don’t want you to get hurt,” April said.

 

“What are you saying, Mum?”

 

“I’m suggesting he’s a heterosexual, older man. I want you to be prepared if he doesn’t accept your sexuality. The two of you have been close for a long time but this might be more than he’s able to deal with. The world is changing but there are still a lot of people who can’t come to terms with something they see as abnormal. I’m not saying Brad is one of those people but you should prepare yourself for the possibility he might be,” April said.”

 

“Don’t worry about it, Mum. Brad will accept me and there is not even the slightest doubt in my mind about that.”

 

“Unless the two of you have already discussed it, which you’ve fundamentally implied you haven’t, then how could you know something like that with such certainty? Oh… He hasn’t… I mean the two of you haven’t, have you?”

 

“No, Mum. He’s my best friend and I’m his. We both support each other completely.”

 

“Yes but Jackson…”

 

“No, Mum. Nothing will make me walk away from my friendship with Brad and I know he won’t walk away from me either. I don’t care what you or anybody thinks or believes and I don’t care whether you can understand it or relate to it or not.”

 

Hearing the stringency in her son’s words, April knew there would be no changing his mind on the matter. She also knew from her own experience with Adam, some lessons had to be learned from the experience and no words could change that fact.

 

“Well, I suppose I can’t really understand the unusual dimensions of your relationship with Brad. Even so, that still doesn’t change the fact you’re my son and I don’t want you to be hurt unnecessarily,” she said.

 

“I understand,” he replied. Looking at her curiously, though, he then asked, “I also understand what you said before but more specifically, Mum, would you actually have a problem with my being with an older man like Brad?”

 

April sighed but replied, “If he was a good man, if he treated you well and if you both were in love, than even though based on my own experience I’d have my doubts, then if I wanted to remain true to myself and my beliefs, I guess not,” April replied.

 

“What if Brad actually did miraculously turn gay and was interested in me?”

 

“Wishing on stars is a waste of time, Jackson. However, Brad’s never shown anything other than good qualities, a good nature and the utmost respect and kindness to you and so, once again, yes, I suppose I’d accept him in your life on that level as well.”

 

“You’re so amazing, Mum.”

 

“Being open-minded is not always easy but I think it’s better than being stubborn and inflexible, Jackson. All I can do is try to be what I want from others.”

 

“Have all of your questions and curiosities about me been answered, Mum?”

 

“Yes, for the most part I think so,” she replied.

 

“Dad’s going to lose the plot when he finds out, isn’t he?”

 

“Honestly, Jackson, I’m not one hundred percent sure. I mean it would be easy to imagine him joining a far right group but sometimes he surprises me with his thoughts and attitudes about things. I don’t always know what he thinks because deep conversations and social issues are not really his thing. I know he voted Yes, though. Maybe that’s a good sign? The only problem might be that you’d make it personal for him and he doesn’t like dealing in the personal. For your sake, I hope he surprises both of us.”

 

“If he voted yes on marriage equality than surely he won’t go off the rails and kick me out? I mean that would be hypocrisy on his part, wouldn’t it?”

 

“Jackson, I wouldn’t let him kick you out over something like that and if he even tried, he’d be dealing with World War Three in his own house. Anyway, don’t get caught up in possibilities or probabilities. It’s a waste of energy and a waste of time. Try your best to always deal in what you know for sure and the facts that are available to you. The rest is all just dust on the wind.”

 

“Thanks, Mum.”

 

“So, you’ll be eighteen in June, have you been out and about and well, you know, have you… Have you been around the track, so to speak?”

 

“I can’t believe my mother is asking me if I’m a virgin? Are you kidding me, Mum?”

 

“I’m not concerned, Jackson, I just know that once you cross that line, in a certain way, well, sexually things start to get a little easier and I want things to flow easy for my son.”

 

“I’ve done some successful track work, Mum,” Jackson replied and grinned.

 

“I’m happy for you, Jackson. I’m not going to ask you anything else but just remember, I’m not only a very open-minded mother but I’m also a very open-minded nurse. You can always come and talk to me about anything. Anyway, I cooked so enjoy cleaning the pan and the dishes.”

 

“Snazzy segue, Mum.”

 

“I thought so. Oh and also, I’d love another cup of tea. I would think my son was absolutely charming, if he brought one out into the backyard where I’m going to sit in the sun,” she said, before she stood up, turned her back and walked away, leaving Jackson with his mouth hanging open.

 

“Oh, one thing,” she said and turned around and walked back to the doorway, “Are you aware of the situation with Brad and Penny?”

 

“What? Um, what exactly are you referring to?”

 

“Hmm, so you do know. Why didn’t you tell me? You know how close I am to Penny?”

 

“I wanted to, Mum. I felt guilty about not telling you but from the perspective of other peoples business, I felt it was wrong for me to discuss with anyone what was a private matter.”

 

“I understand. You really are so thoughtful, Jackson. I like that side of you.”

 

“How did you find out, Mum?”

 

“Penny cancelled our Friday night that week but she called me again the next week and asked me to meet up with her instead of our regular night on the town. Do you know the details, Jackson?”

 

“Pretty much, Mum.”

 

“Do you have an opinion?”

 

“I think she did the wrong thing, Mum. She could have gone about things very differently and if she had, they wouldn’t be in the position they’re in now.”

 

“Yes, I tend to agree with you, Jackson.”

 

“I guess we all have our own paths and we all have to make our own decisions, Mum. It’s probably easy for me to sit here untouched by the details and to analyse and judge when I haven’t walked in her shoes but I still think she hurt herself and Brad, more than was required. I think it’s sad.”

 

“Yes, I’m in agreement with you on that as well, Jackson. Oh well, what will be, will be, I guess,” April said.

 

“Are you still her friend, Mum?”

 

“Yes. Penny’s friendship with me has nothing to do with her relationship.”

 

“I’m glad,” Jackson replied.

 

“Is everything still okay with you and Brad?”

 

“Yeah, Mum. We’re all good.”

 

“Good. Well now that’s out of the way, my cup of tea is not going to make itself,” she said and turned and walked out into the backyard.

 

Moments after she sat down, though, her thoughts floated to Jackson once more. Even though everything that had just passed suggested otherwise, April still wondered about the nature of the relationship between Jackson and Brad. She was now certain her son was gay and in love with Brad but still, the fact that a thirty-year-old man and her seventeen-year-old son were best friends, only revitalised the thoughts in her mind about Brad and who he really was deep down.

 

***

 

In a coincidental manner, Brad had taken the Monday off work as well. Now in the middle of the city of Sydney, he was walking to the left side of the Archibald Memorial Fountain in Hyde Park. When he reached it, Brad stood and looked at it with a degree of amazement. He thought the various pieces of artwork were extraordinary and he stepped back or moved closer, as he marvelled at the statues.

 

Apollo stood at the centre mounted high above, overlooking the fountain. Beneath and around him were Pan, Diana and Theseus. It was Theseus in battle and ready to slay the Minotaur, which was Brad’s favourite of the statues. He had always loved that statue in particular, ever since he was first taken to see it as a child. As far as he was concerned, there was just something about the naked warrior defeating the half man, half bull, which had always held his attention.

 

He gazed at the strength and power of both figures before finally he glanced up and stared at the awesome architecture of Saint Mary’s Cathedral. It stood outside of the park on the other side of the road and its blonde sandstone looked simply beautiful as a bright autumn sun shone down on it.

 

“Brad?”

 

Turning, Brad saw Penny coming toward him and he gave an acknowledging wave. He moved toward her and stopped but she stopped as well, leaving a gap of almost a metre between them. Brad noticed she did not attempt a hug or a kiss and though in a way he was pleased, he also thought it was odd.

 

“Hi,” he said.

 

“Hi,” she replied.

 

“Is there somewhere you’d like to go?”

 

“No,” she replied, “let’s just sit on the grass under a tree.”

 

“Sure,” he said and they walked away from the fountain.

 

Once they were both seated, as they looked into each other’s eyes, both knew immediately that things had changed. Penny turned and looked away for a few moments and when she turned back her expression was impassive, perhaps even wooden.

 

“So you’ve decided. I can see it in your eyes,” she said.

 

“Yeah, I have,” he replied, a little emotionally.

 

“I’ve made a decision as well,” Penny said.

 

Brad was surprised because he had not even considered that Penny needed to make a decision about their situation. As far as he was concerned, what happened and the fact he was the one who said he needed to think and sort things out, meant their future was riding on his shoulders.

 

He said, “Really?”

 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think, Brad. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand what happened but the time away gave me the ability to consider your perspective. What I did was about me and for me and it was a complete dismissal of you. As a consequence, you had every right to be upset. We both know what I did was wrong, not only as a decision and an action but as a form of disrespect toward someone I shared a life with. I can apologise but it won’t change the fact that I didn’t trust you and that it was in effect, glaring proof I don’t really know you. After twelve years it’s hard to believe but at the time, I really didn’t believe you’d understand.”

 

Brad was stunned. This was the last thing he expected to hear. He had been certain Penny would be hoping to work things out and that he would have to let her down and explain he wanted to break up. Now she was talking like he had been thinking for over two weeks.

 

Surprised by her words, he said, “What?”

 

“I was only thinking about myself, Brad. I was caught up in my own perception of my life and I wasn’t really thinking about you. I always knew how much you wanted a family and so I reacted based on that thought, as well as not wanting to look bad in your eyes. I felt pressured by a need to keep our road smooth and straight and so I allowed my fears and subsequent choice to blind me to anything else.

 

“It’s been the sweetest ride, Brad. I mean that literally, you know? Us together, everything has always been so easy, so simple and without drama. I used to look at other couples and wonder why they had problems?”

 

“Yeah, sometimes I wondered the same thing, Penn.”

 

“I used to think we had some magical, perfect relationship but what happened just over two weeks ago, it gave me a real shake, particularly when you walked out and let me leave. I’ve spent more than a few sleepless nights thinking and also, more than a few nights talking Chrissy’s ear off.

 

“Brad, I’m truly sorry I hurt you and I’m desperately sorry that I did what I did so thoughtlessly. I just wasn’t aware of how stuck I’d become. Our path was our path and I just kept walking because that was the course we were taking. I didn’t even stop to think that over those years, I’d been changing. You saw us as individuals together but I saw us as you creating a life for us and me sharing the ride you made available.”

 

“Penn, that wasn’t how it was, at least, that’s not how I wanted it to be. I always wanted us to have a really good life. I admit part of me wanted to be the man who provided for his wife and family but we always walked as equals, at least in my mind. If I pushed you in any way at all, I wasn’t aware I was doing it,” Brad said.

 

“I know that, Brad. It just took a real good look in the mirror for me to see that it wasn’t that I didn’t have power, it was simply that I never engaged it. I always relied on you and listened to you and went along with you. That’s not to say you did anything wrong. You could only see what I was willing to show you.

 

“It’s not really something that can be seen clearly. I mean you work and I work and we both make good money. We both shared in the financial responsibilities and we both were focused on making sure what we had was always in good shape. We both were striving toward a future that was stable, secure and comfortable and to be honest, I think we had all those ingredients perfectly measured. Our life together couldn’t be perceived as anything but good.

 

“We both have created relatively solid personalities but what I’ve realised, is that I allowed myself to only see what we were creating and nothing more. As an individual, who I am is more than the person I was allowing myself to be. I’ve always wanted more than the life I embraced with you.”

 

“What?”

 

“No, Brad, I’m not saying I didn’t want what we had, I’m saying where further aspirations and dreams were concerned, I wanted more. That’s what I meant when I said I didn’t engage my power. It had nothing to do with you and had everything to do with me. As aware of myself as I was, I was also dismissing that part of me that wanted more.

 

“It’s kind of ironic because I’m actually a strong woman. I may have some insecurities but I’m intelligent, I’m determined and I’m ambitious. I’ve got a good heart and I know how to treat people with respect, even if I didn’t show you the same courtesy. I’m very disappointed in myself about that.

 

“Anyway, I’ve also created a good career for myself and even if it’s happening later than I’d hoped it would, I’ve reached a point where my road has widened and stretched out and is full of opportunity. I know I want to take this journey as far as it can go. There was a time when I wanted everything you wanted but in recent years, at least one of those things is no longer a part of my equation.

 

“Brad, I don’t want a child or children, which is how we came to be in this position we’re in now. When we were younger that picture we painted of children and family seemed right but today, well, that picture doesn’t attract me. Here’s the thing; as much as I love you and being separated from you has been sort of like losing a limb, I also know that at least for now, though the life we had together is in some respects something I still want, the family side of it is not.

 

Brad looked astonished because Penny was so clear and certain. Everything she was saying was rational and though in an alternate reality he might have been reacting differently, in this reality, her words were making his choices easier. It was still sad and even felt like a bit of a waste of twelve years but regardless, he knew his conceptual fork in the road was being made even more real.

 

“Please don’t think I’m being selfish, even though in a way that’s exactly what it is. I need to be me, without you, Brad. I need to fend for myself, so to speak, in a way I never have because you were always going to be there to catch me if I fell. I need to take the risks in front of me to know that I can. I love you but you’re a comfort zone and a safety line and I’ve allowed myself to be disempowered by accepting that as okay.”

 

“Penn, I don’t want you to be down on yourself or taking full responsibility for what’s happened. I had a lot of time to think as well and you were right about me not thinking about things. I’ve taken things for granted as well, about relationships and children and many other things. I guess the whole white picket fence idea is an illusion I’ve been carrying since I was a boy. Now that you’ve said everything you just said, I think we’ve been living in a type of imperfect perfection.

 

“Subsequently, I came to a similar conclusion in that I think we should go our separate ways. I do love you, Penny, however that love is based on a concept more than the reality we created. I’m not talking about the love in my heart; I’m talking about the love I fashioned in my mind. I need to find out who I am as well. The truth is I think I’m someone completely different to the man I thought I was. I need to explore the truth inside of me, too.”

 

The tears from Penny’s eyes came softly and as she pulled a tissue from her bag and wiped her eyes, Brad wrapped his arms around her and held her. They sat in silence for a good five minutes and finally Brad let her go and moved around to face her.

 

“I don’t see this as a temporary time apart, Penny. After hearing everything you’ve just said and knowing how I’m thinking and feeling as well, I think we both need to start our lives again and discover ourselves in the process.”

 

“I know that, too, it was just hard for me to say it with such finality,” Penny replied.

 

“I’m not sure how else I could’ve said it, Penn.”

 

“I’m not having a go at you, Brad. You’re right. It needed to be said clearly and with absoluteness. We both need to accept that it is what it is.”

 

“It’s still hard to accept and come to terms with, Penn. In a way it almost seems like a waste of twelve years. I know it’s not but it makes me wonder what our lives would’ve been like otherwise?”

 

“I understand that and I feel it too, Brad. I think we both know it wasn’t a waste of twelve years and that in many respects we’ve come a long way together. It’s just that we weren’t expecting the end of the road so soon or so abruptly, if at all.”

 

“Yeah, I know. There are other things we’ll need to sort out, Penn. The house for example. I’d like to stay there but I’m not even sure if that would be wise. Maybe we could sell it and take half each? Alternatively, one of us could keep it and buy the other out but I think we can discuss that later.”

 

“Sure, Brad. I thought about coming back because I can’t stay with Chrissy forever but she told me I could stay as long as I needed to. Personally I’m fairly secure and so I’m thinking I might look for an apartment and once I find one, I’ll clear my things out of our home. To be honest with you, I don’t want the house and I don’t want to reside there, now that all of this is clear. Sell it, don’t sell it but my half would go a long way toward my financial security.”

 

They both suddenly looked at each other in shock. It was as if the reality had just sunk in after all that had been said. Brad said, “Shit,” as Penny shook her head in disbelief and then almost instantly, she pushed herself to her feet. Brad stood up with her.

 

“I need to go, Brad. This is very emotional and difficult even though I know it’s right. I know this is a two-way street but thank you for being so good about it.”

 

“I can’t just dismiss twelve years and nor do I want to, Penn. I also don’t think treating each other like shit will serve any purpose.”

 

“I agree,” she said and looked vaguely across the park.

 

Stepping forward, Penny gave Brad a hug. It was warm and came from a deep place filled with love. Brad returned the embrace and suddenly it all seemed so clear. He knew that what had existed was over and as much as it was what he wanted, his arms tightened around her waist and part of him did not want to let go. It was twelve years but it seemed like a lifetime together and the severity of separation sliced at his heart. Just as he began to feel the internal struggle, though, he felt Penny’s hands move to his hips and push away.

 

Again reality sunk in and he released her from his embrace. He was standing still and he felt and watched as a space opened between their bodies. It was like an invisible cord had been cut, the umbilical of past love severed. Penny looked up into his eyes and she saw that he, too, felt the loss. Softly and yet somehow abruptly, she said goodbye and turned and walked off into the distance.

 

Unblinking, he watched as her figure decrease in size with distance. If he kept staring, he knew she would disappear. He wondered if that was really what was going to happen? Was this an end or just an evolution in parting? He suddenly felt guilty. She had been completely honest with him but he had held back. He felt certain he should have told her what he had finally decided that morning, moments before he got out of bed. His dreams were so different these days and the one the night before about Jackson, existed as more than just a suggestion and now he believed he was gay.

 

Somehow, though, speaking those words to Penny felt heartbreaking. Her heart, not his. As a consequence, it seemed giving her a little more time, to come to terms with what was essentially an upheaval, would be better. Both of their worlds and minds had changed so suddenly and there under the tree it became conclusive. Dumping another issue of such profound influence on her lap straight away, simply seemed hurtful and thoughtless.

 

Walking back over to the fountain, Brad gazed at Theseus holding the Minotaur down on the ground by the horn. He thought that because it was a statue the battle was eternal. He then thought it was probably the same way in real life, simply because ironically, nothing ever stayed the same. He turned away with a soft smile on his face and as he began his journey home, he thought about Jackson and he wondered if drawing the young man into his life and keeping him, would be a battle that he could win.

 

To be continued...