Chapter 6 
Lost.

 

In many respects Jackson’s world became all about massage. Of course he was doing a lot of reading and learning but practice remained a large portion of what he was trying to achieve. As much as he was enjoying practicing with Saad, Jackson needed other bodies to massage as well. Therefore, he asked his parents if he could practice on them and they both accepted more than willingly. He also received high praise for how good they thought he was.

 

Jackson did not really believe Frank deserved a massage. His father’s initial reaction to massage as a job, suggested there would be no real future in what he thought was a tenuous career choice at best. Jackson, though, in a solid gold moment, suggested Frank tell that to the sports masseurs, who looked after Frank’s prized Rugby players before, during and after a game. Frank was silenced by the verbal backhand and his opinions vanished from that moment forward. Regardless, Jackson knew practice was practice and different bodies were different bodies and the more experience he gained the better.

 

Ironically, the most obvious person was the one person Jackson never asked to practice on. He knew he wanted to get his hands on Brad’s body, which was the understatement of the century, however, the idea while delicious was also somehow scary. He did not know exactly how he would react, if Brad stripped down to his underwear and allowed him to work on his body.

 

One Saturday, though, while the two men were working-out in the garage, Brad unknowingly did something that caused him to let out an almighty cry, followed by a massive groan of pain.

 

Shocked and worried, Jackson yelled, “Brad, are you all right?”

 

“Oh shit,” Brad said amidst a gasp.

 

“Brad, what did you do?”

 

“I don’t know. Oh fuck, I think maybe I snapped or tore something? Oh hell, it’s like someone’s pushing a burning metal spike through my shoulder and then through the muscle, all the way down my back. It also feels like pressure is on my spine and it’s going to break.”

 

Jackson asked, “Is Penny inside? Do you want me to bring her out?”

 

“No, she’s not home. She’s doing another shoot,” Brad replied, as he tried to move from his frozen position on the bench.

 

“No, no, no, don’t try to sit up. Stay right where you are. I’m going to get my massage table. Can I set it up in your living room?”

 

“Of course but I don’t think I need a massage.”

 

“You don’t even know what’s wrong, how would you know what you need?”

 

Brad looked at Jackson but as he opened his mouth to say something, he saw logic in what Jackson had said and so he thought better of it, closed his mouth and said nothing.

 

“I’m going to get my table, I’m going to set it up and then I’m going to help you, very slowly, to sit up and then stand up. Then I’m going to take you inside and lay you down and see what I can discover. If I think it’s something I don’t understand or something serious, I’ll call for an ambulance or I’ll take you to emergency at the hospital myself. If not, we’ll see if I can fix you up.”

 

“Maybe we should just go straight to a professional?”

 

“Oh ye of little faith. Just give me a few minutes. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you or take risks with your wellbeing.”

 

“Fine, just get on with it and hurry up about it because the pain is excruciating. It feels like one of those aliens from that movie is going to burst out of my back. It feels like it’s on fire.”

 

Jackson ran out of the garage and five minutes later he was supporting Brad’s weight, as he brought him to a seated position. A further six minutes later Brad was in the house and on the massage table and Jackson had touched, felt, pushed and prodded until finally he said, “Okay, my man, you’re not dying, you don’t need a doctor and I’ll have you back on your feet in twenty to thirty minutes. I need your permission, though.”

 

“What if you turn me into a quadriplegic?”

 

“Ah, my secret plan is out in the open,” Jackson said.

 

“This isn’t funny, Jackson. We’re talking about my life,” Brad replied.

 

“For fuck’s sake, I just told you that you’re okay, Brad. Get serious. Listen to me. I’m one hundred percent certain I could lock you in this house and leave you to hobble for days with no treatment and nothing you did would be life threatening. Come on, you know I’d never risk you.”

 

“Fine but if you kill me, I’ll... I’ll kill you,” Brad said half seriously.

 

Exactly fifteen minutes later, something shifted or loosened and Brad cried out in relief, “Oh my god, oh yes, oh, oh, oh.”

 

“You think I’ve healed you but you’re actually dead and that’s why the pain stopped. Thanks for trusting, though. I’ll know what not to do next time,” Jackson joked.

 

“Bite me, Jackson.”

 

“Ah, nothing like thanks and praise,” Jackson said.

 

“Who’s to say I won’t wake up paralysed tomorrow?”

 

“One can only hope. Then we can stick you in a wheelchair and roll you off so someone else has to listen to you complain. At least that way no one around here will have to put up with you ever again.”

 

“Jackson?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Sincerely, thank you. You have no idea how painful that was or how much relief you’ve given me?”

 

“You’re more than welcome and I’m glad I was here to help.”

 

“Should I call you Doctor Swanson?”

 

“No but what you should do is stay right where you are and let me give your back, shoulders and neck a complete massage because I’ve never felt anything like your back. Honestly, Brad, there are more knots in your back then in all the ropes that are keeping all the boats moored in position down at the docks.”

 

“You used to say I had a great body.”

 

“Externally you look great but internally you’ve left me with a serious mess to clean up.”

 

“So, a proper, professional massage, you say? Well then, I guess I should leave myself in your very capable hands.”

 

“Finally he sees the light.”

 

“Your impossible, Jackson. You know what they say, ‘A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.’ You sound like a know-it-all.”

 

“Oh really, well you know what I’m about to say? A lot of stupidity is what gives that knowledge so much work to do.”

 

“I’ll shut up now,” Brad said.

 

“Good and don’t be afraid to let yourself go to sleep if you want to. Just relax and let me do what I need to do.”

 

“I’m all yours, Jackson.”

 

Forty minutes later, Brad was sound asleep, Jackson was finishing giving Brad a serious back and neck massage but at the same time, Jackson had a throbbing erection, which his love and desire for the man in his hands was causing. The myriad distractions were almost impossible to dismiss but he did dismiss them, sort of.

 

Finally, gently laying a towel over his body and leaving Brad in a deep slumber, he sat on the lounge for another twenty minutes, as he waited patiently for his man to stir and open his eyes.

 

***

 

The year Jackson would turn eighteen arrived. It was late February, the end of summer and though Jackson had no idea anything was actually happening, a fifteen month period was coming to an end in the house next-door. The subsequent events would lead to a moment in time that would bring about unexpected change. When that time arrived, Brad had only recently turned thirty and Jackson had only recently started his first job.

 

Not long before the end of Brad’s twenty-eighth year, unconsciously as a consequence of his realisation a fourteen-year-old Jackson was becoming an adult, as well as the subsequent feelings of his little man lost, old thoughts and an old goal returned to Brad’s mind. It continued to grow until Brad finally sat down with Penny one night. He told her he felt they were secure enough and that maybe now the time was right for them to finally begin a family.

 

“I mean Penn, I thought we would already be parents by now and though I know it was me who wanted to wait, maybe now is the time?”

 

With a shocked look on her face, Penny said, “Oh, I don’t know, Brad. I mean this is so out of the blue and I wasn’t expecting it at all.”

 

“Yeah I know but we’re so much older and we both know sooner rather than later would be better.”

 

“Yes, well obviously that’s the case but this seems like its come from out of nowhere? I don’t even know how to react because you’ve put it on me so suddenly and it was the last thing I was thinking about at this point,” she said.

 

Brad looked at Penny with an odd expression. They both had always talked about having a family and agreed to all the choices leading to that goal but now he was wondering if something had changed?

 

“You do still want to have kids, don’t you, Penn?”

 

“Well yes, I mean of course,” she replied.

 

“Great. Well there’s no problem then. I mean it’s not like I expect us to conceive tonight or anything as extreme as that. I just thought maybe we could start trying? What do you think?”

 

“Sure, Brad,” she said and smiled.

 

From that night forward, though their sexual activity was no more or less than it had been all along, which was quite substantial, Penny said she would stop using contraception and Brad was happy with the thought that when the time was right, she would give him the happy news she was pregnant and their first child was on the way.

 

Though Brad would have been happy with a girl or a boy as long as it was healthy, deep down he was hoping for a boy, specifically one to replace the little man who had grown up and changed right before his eyes.

 

Fifteen months later, only weeks after Brad had turned thirty, no child had been conceived and Penny was heavily involved in her modelling work, with a stack of shoots booked for the future. She seemed to be working harder than ever, she was looking after her appearance like never before and though that was not unusual considering her age, another reason slowly began to dawn on Brad why Penny had not fallen pregnant after all the time that had passed by.

 

Having a child would have an effect on her body and for a model, particularly an ageing model, it probably was not a smart decision. It all made too much sense to Brad and though he did not like thinking about what all of his thoughts actually meant, he could not get one thought out of his mind. “Is Penny still taking the pill?”

 

On the day all of this shook the foundations of Brad’s mind, he left work, drove to the closest beach and he parked and stared at the water pensively. He felt angry at first but as he relaxed, he thought if what he was thinking were the case, why had she lied to him?

 

It did not make sense to him after they had spent twelve years together. Of course he also knew that one of them might have a physical problem preventing pregnancy but by then, his suspicions were growing and he could not rein them in.

 

He arrived home late as a consequence of his detour to the beach and realising it was Friday and she was not home, he knew Penny would be out with April for the night. He wanted desperately to talk to her to discover if he were right but it seemed the conversation had to wait. A moment later, Jackson was knocking on the door.

 

“What’s up with you? You don’t look happy,” Jackson said, as soon as he was inside the house.

 

“I’m good, Mate. Not a problem in the world,” he said, avoiding the truth.

 

“You know that today the sky turned purple with yellow spots and koalas were seen flying in flocks at the same time?”

 

Brad turned and looked at Jackson and saw the bemused look on his face. Brad grinned at him and said, “Really, it’s nothing, just some stuff at work that I’ll need to sort out next week. I need to learn to leave that stuff in the office. Anyway, how’s work going for you?”

 

“It’s going really well. I was busy all day. I had so many clients that I did more massages than any of the others,” he replied.

 

“I’m glad you’re doing so well,” Brad said.

 

“It’s all thanks to you, Brad. If you hadn’t given me such great advice, I wouldn’t be where I am today or as happy as I am with what I’m doing.”

 

“Always glad to help you, Jackson. I’ll always be here for you, Mate.”

 

“Right back at you, Brad.”

 

“As much as I’m glad it’s autumn and it’s almost time, I wish the footy were starting tonight,” Brad said.

 

“Yeah, me too, I can’t wait for the new season to start,” Jackson replied.

 

“So you got any ideas?”

 

“If I were a year older we could go out drinking.”

 

“Yeah, although, you know I’m not really a drinker and I don’t think I really feel like doing that,” Brad said.

 

“Well, I don’t know, maybe we could watch a movie or we could even just talk?”

 

“The movie sounds great. I’m not sure too much thinking is at the top of my list for things to do tonight; so you got anything new?”

 

Looking at Brad, Jackson believed he was trying to pull the wool over his eyes. He could see something was weighing heavily on him, he also could tell by the way he was talking and most certainly, he could see a distance in the man’s eyes. He walked over to Brad and swung his arm around his shoulders and said, “I don’t want to push but are you sure you’re okay? You know I’ll do anything to make things better, if possible?”

 

Looking into Jackson’s eyes, Brad could not miss the deep concern. Pulling the younger man closer and into a one-armed, very brief but firm side-to-side hug, Brad said, “I know I can count on you, I know I can trust you and I know I can talk to you but really, I’m okay.”

 

Immediately stepping away, Brad added, “So, go and get one of your movies I haven’t seen. I don’t care if it’s old or new, just something mind-numbing with mindless action and I’ll start making us something to eat.”

 

“You got it. Anything you want,” Jackson replied and left the house.

 

***

 

After cooking up some burgers and fries, Brad and Jackson sat on the lounge and watched “Eagle Eye,” which Brad loved because it was non-stop action with a great storyline. It also allowed him to dismiss what was concerning him deep down. When the film finished, though, even though it was not all that late, Brad told Jackson he was feeling tired because it had been a long week and he thought he would probably benefit from an early night.

 

Of course Jackson was agreeable even though he still thought there was more going on then met the eye. Regardless, he said goodnight and went home, worrying as he crossed the garden that something was bothering the most important man in his world.

 

Not long after Jackson had left and Brad had cleaned up the living room and the kitchen, he walked straight into the bathroom. He began opening every drawer that Penny used for her things. He literally pulled each drawer out of the vanity before sitting on the closed toilet and digging through everything inside. He knew what he was looking for, just not what it would look like. Some type of box or sachet or container; hopefully with the word contraception on it.

 

Penny required four of the six drawers and when he finally put the last one on his lap, a few minutes later, in the back and at the bottom of the drawer, Brad discovered a stack of female contraception. He looked at the labels on the boxes and all were dated recently. He opened the top box and saw many of the pills were missing. In that moment, he believed with little doubt, Penny was deceiving him and consciously inhibiting pregnancy.

 

After returning everything to its regular place, he walked into the bedroom and sat on the bed. He did not understand the need to lie or the blatant choice to deceive him, even if what he had thought that afternoon were true. He simmered for a while but as the time ticked by, eventually he became angry. He wanted her to come home so he could give her a double-barrelled piece of his mind but unfortunately, she did not arrive. Finally, still seething, he went to bed and fell asleep.

 

When he awoke on Saturday morning it was very early. He was surprised Penny had come home and come to bed but he had not awoken as a consequence. As he looked at her he felt angry but this time, he decided not to confront her with anger. He got out of bed and decided on an early morning swim to clear his mind, before coming home and talking rationally with her.

 

He stayed at the beach for a couple of hours and when he finally got home it was ten forty-five in the morning and Penny was sitting in the living room drinking a coffee. He greeted her normally, made a coffee for himself and then walked in and sat on the lounge beside her.

 

“How was your night?”

 

Penny laughed and replied, “It was great. I always have a great night with April, she’s a lot of fun.”

 

“I’m glad you enjoyed the night out.”

 

“Did Jackson come over?”

 

“Yeah, we ate burgers and watched a great movie.”

 

“How’s he doing at his new job?”

 

“Good but listen, Penn, I need to talk to you about something serious. It’s something I don’t really understand and I don’t want to jump to conclusions and so I want to go about this in a measured way.”

 

“What is it, Brad? Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, I mean… Listen, first I wanted to know if the fact that I’ve not asked you to marry me yet… Well, I mean, are you bothered or upset by that?”

 

“What? Baby, no. Look, I know we discussed it years ago but I’m not really concerned about those traditions. In my mind, we’re already married.”

 

“Oh. Wow. In all these years I never knew that about you,” he said.

 

“Brad, I know you well enough to believe that if you really thought about it, you’d probably agree with me. You just have this, I don’t know, it’s almost an idealistic idea you have about the traditions of love and relationships. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with them particularly, it’s just that I don’t think they’re particularly necessary. I mean if you really want to I will but if you’re not concerned than I’m not bothered,” she explained.

 

“Shit, right at this moment I feel like I don’t know you at all.”

 

“Oh come on, Brad, think about it. It’s a piece of paper that means nothing, except for legally and socially. I mean really, has not being married to me made you feel differently toward me?”

 

“No, of course not.”

 

“Well, that’s exactly what I mean. A piece of paper, a tradition and some form of ceremony is not going to change what we have.”

 

“I guess not but what if we have kids?”

 

“Rationally that doesn’t matter either but for legal purposes and social easiness, I guess it might be better, although I still think it’s just pomp and ceremony and society telling us what we’re supposed to do,” she clarified.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this when we met?”

 

“I don’t know, it just never crossed my mind at the time. We were crazy about each other, we spent more time in bed then out of it and for the most part, what you wanted was what I wanted and so I guess I never got around to elaborating the details. We seemed to agree on everything anyway, our future together included and so I didn’t think about it.”

 

“Right,” he said.

 

“Brad, if it really bothers you and you want to get married then I’m more than happy to do it if you want to,” she said sincerely.

 

“So you’re happy to marry me but you don’t want to have a child with me?”

 

The look on Penny’s face was stunned. She looked at Brad like she was searching for a hoped-for answer, which would somehow be revealed in his eyes. All she saw was anger, though.

 

“What? What are you talking about? We had the conversation but I can’t just flick a switch and make a baby pop out of me.”

 

The depth and the volume of Brad’s voice increased when he stood up. He turned and looked down at her and said angrily, “No, you can’t just flick a switch and have a child but you do have the choice to stop taking the pill to give us a chance to have one.”

 

“I stopped over a year ago,” she said, as she stared stone-faced into his eyes.

 

Brad looked absolutely stunned at her and he roared, “Why the fuck are you blatantly lying to my face?”

 

“I’m not. I don’t understand where all this is coming from and I certainly don’t appreciate being called a liar,” she yelled back.

 

Jackson, who was sitting on his bed in his bedroom, looked up in shock when he heard Brad scream the first time and his eyes widened when he heard Penny scream back. He pushed his laptop away, swung his feet onto the floor and leaned closer to his window.

 

“I can’t believe you’re pushing on with this, as if you’re good name is being tarnished. You’re talking to the man whose been living with you for twelve years but that doesn’t matter, does it?”

 

Shocked by how angry Brad was and how loud he was yelling, she evened out her voice, even though it was still loud enough to carry out the window and she said, “I’m not going to continue this with you while you’re screaming accusations like a mad man.”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

 

Not even waiting for a response, Brad stormed out of the room, went to the bathroom, retrieved all the boxes of contraception and then he stormed back just as Penny was standing up and turning to go after him. Brad threw the entire handful onto the carpet at her feet and screamed, “You want to keep lying now?”

 

“Oh my god, all of those are over a year old, I just never got around to throwing them out.”

 

“Christ, there all dated, Penny. The box you opened with the missing pills you’ve taken, is dated three weeks ago. Stop lying to me,” Brad yelled venomously.

 

Finally, with the realisation she had no way out and she knew she had been caught, her eyes lost there glare and her head dropped, as she looked down at the boxes on the carpet.

 

Moments later, loudly, she screamed, “Alright!”

 

Brad’s expression was angry but it did not hide the shock in his eyes. With one word she had admitted she did not want to have a child. He stared at her with a frozen gaze, waiting for her to meet his eyes. When she finally did look up, he saw two distinct things. The first was guilt but the second was that she had no plan on changing her mind.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said.

 

“No, you’re not,” he replied.

 

“I’m sorry I lied to you, I’m sorry I deceived you and I’m sorry I continued to deny it over the last few minutes but no, I’m not sorry that I reached the conclusion I don’t want to have a child at the moment,” she said.

 

“Why couldn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you trust me to understand? I suspect I already know the reason you did it but the fact you didn’t feel you could be honest with me or express your real feelings to me, well, that fucking hurts. I mean Penny, sure I wanted a kid but not enough that I’d destroy my life to have one. All that means is that you thought wanting a kid was more important to me than the person I’ve spent a dozen years of my life with. For fuck’s sake, Penny, it seems like you know me even less than I know you.

 

“I’m doing so well, Brad. My career is flourishing, companies and magazines are asking for me and if I get pregnant, all of that’ll come to an end. I don’t want to spend my days and nights with a kid that’ll never give me a moments peace while taking away the opportunities I’ve been working toward for so long. I know that sounds selfish but right now, I want that more than a family.”

 

“You know what, Penny? I understand completely and I would’ve been completely reasonable if you’d only trusted me, spoken to me and told me the fucking truth.”

 

“Okay, well then, everything's fine,” she said.

 

“No, it’s not,” he yelled.

 

“What? What does that mean? I mean, what exactly are you saying to me? Surely if you could’ve accepted it before, you can accept it now?”

 

“Honestly? I’m not even sure at the moment. All I know is I’m angry, I’m hurt and I need to put all of this into some sort of order. Part of me feels like I don’t know you and another part feels like I’m not sure if I even know myself,” he said, before walking halfway across the room in silence.

 

Turning toward her again, he screamed, “Fucking hell, I need some serious time alone to think.”

 

“Listen, Brad, take all the time you need and make the decision you feel is best for you. I’ll stay at Chrissy’s place and I won’t bother you until you call,” she said, thinking Brad would say it was not necessary.

 

“Fine,” he said, causing her eyes to widened.

 

Turning in a half circle, Brad’s eyes looked like they were searching for some form of escape but as he stared at the television and then at a wall, followed by a window, a moment later with a loud roar of absolute frustration, he turned again, walked to the front door and then left the house without another word. He slammed the door as he got into his car and physically assaulted the steering wheel.

 

Jackson sat back on his bed with a look of complete disbelief on his face. The only thought that was running through his mind was how angry and hurt Brad sounded. Then he saw Brad get into his car and reverse away from the garage. He heard the car roar down the street and he wondered where Brad was going. He desperately wished he was old enough that Brad thought he could be there to support him, however, he believed he was not even a thought in Brad’s mind, not that he did not understand why.

 

Completely stunned by the turn of events, even though she completely understood, Penny called Chrissy, a model as well as a friend, then packed a suitcase and two hours later she was leaving the house as well.

 

Hearing a car pull into the driveway and stop, Jackson sprinted out the backdoor, around the house and through the gate, before seeing Penny with a suitcase get into a cab and then drive away from her home. She looked obviously upset but despite his shock at what was happening, all that he really cared about was Brad.

 

Returning to his room, Jackson lay on the bed and wondered what was going to happen? He hated the thought of Brad being sad or upset and he wished for a solution, if there was any, to make the upheaval in Brad’s life disappear.

 

Jackson watched a movie in his bedroom that afternoon but though he enjoyed it, the feeling of enjoyment while Brad was sad and angry, seem somehow wrong. For the entire afternoon he kept looking out his window hoping to see Brad’s car but every time the car was still not there.

 

***

 

It was seven thirty when Jackson walked out the front door and sat down on the top step of the front porch. The sun had only recently set and there was a fading orange sunset that painted the entire western horizon. It really was a beautiful sight above trees and rooftops that soon would be little more than silhouettes against an approaching darker sky.

 

Having already checked from his bedroom window before walking out onto the porch, Jackson knew Brad’s car was not in the driveway outside the garage, where it sat more often than not. He therefore knew Brad had not returned from wherever he had gone and though he knew Brad was a grown man and could take care of himself, still Jackson was concerned.

 

When Jackson heard the front door behind him open, he turned and watched as his mother walked out, closed the door and then sat down on the step right beside him. Initially he looked at her curiously, as he wondered if something was wrong? Why on earth would his mother come and sit on the steps with him? Had he done something wrong?

 

“Are you alright, Sweetheart?”

 

“Yeah, I’m all good, Mum.”

 

“I was concerned for you over dinner because you were very quiet, there was a distance in your eyes and I had the distinct feeling you were worried about something,” April said.

 

Jackson really wanted to say something because he knew Penny and his mother had become close friends but because it was about Brad as well, he thought it was not right to discuss Brad’s business with someone else.

 

“No, Mum, my life is as good as it’s ever been.”

 

“My goodness that’s a pretty sunset,” April said.

 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

 

“I see the house next-door is in relative darkness, is that why you’re not over there with Brad?”

 

“Yeah, Brad had something he needed to do,” Jackson replied.

 

April nodded and then said, “I’m so pleased your happy with your life, Jackson.”

 

“Yeah, me too, Mum.”

 

“I know you told me your job was good and the people were nice but you never did explain much about it to me,” she said.

 

“Oh, right. Well, it’s like a huge shop with a counter, chairs and couches in the front like a waiting room. There’s a sort of office with a kitchen, bathroom and toilets at the back. There’s also, I’m not sure what you’d call it but like a living room where we can sit and relax when we’re not working.

 

“In between there are all these partitions like offices and each one is set up as a private space to massage clients. The clients can ask for a particular masseur or masseuse but alternatively, the jobs are given based on which one of us is next on the list.

 

“It’s a clinic that only offers massage. Generally there’s five of us on any given day but that can also increase or decrease depending on how busy the day is. I’m getting a bit of a reputation, Mum.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For being a really good masseur.”

 

“Well having had you practice on me, that’s far from a surprise, Jackson.”

 

“You’re my mum and you have to say things like that,” Jackson replied.

 

“Is that right?” Well, you’re shit at vacuuming the house, your shit at cleaning your room and you’re really shit at telling your mother what an awesome mother she is. Not to mention telling her how much you love her.”

 

Jackson’s eyes were stunned but he roared with laughter and said, “Point taken, Mum.”

 

“I’ve had many massages in my life, Jackson. Some of them have been really good and some not so good as well. Never, though, have I been so aware of the combination of thoughtfulness in the technical implementation, being blended with a truly comfortable, relaxing and healing massage. Don’t forget, Jackson, I’m a nurse and I’ve been one for eighteen years. Massage might not be a huge part of medicine but it does play a role at times.”

 

“Sorry, Mum, I didn’t mean to sound like you had no idea.”

 

“That’s alright, Sweetheart, I’m a woman and I’ve become accustomed to being treated like an ignoramus or a fool by men,” she said and grinned smugly at Jackson.

 

“Ouch. You know, I’m very aware of what’s going on in our world today and I do try to show respect to everyone. I want to be a good man, Mum.”

 

“I was joking, Jackson, at least regarding you. You’re very well mannered and thoughtful. As for many other men I have to deal with on a regular basis, well, that’s an entirely different matter,” she said.

 

“This is so nice, Mum.”

 

“What’s nice?”

 

“Us talking to each other like this.”

 

“Well, Jackson, you’re a lot more mature and you’re living as an adult and I knew eventually I’d get to surprise you with the fact I was a human being with thoughts and feelings.”

 

“Holy shit, you’re really funny and your sense of humour is subtly acerbic.”

 

“Only sometimes and only if I think it’s the most appropriate way to make my point,” April said.

 

“I can’t believe I’m going to be eighteen this year and right here at this moment, I’m only now realising I don’t really know you?”

 

April gave a huge smile, reached over and stroked her hand down the hair on the back of Jackson’s head and said, “That’s nice to know because maybe now you can take the time to get to know me, Sweetheart.”

 

“I must have been a pain in your proverbial at times over the years?”

 

“Honestly? I think I was blessed with you, Jackson. I mean sure you had your moments but ninety-eight percent of the time, I felt like you were hard enough on yourself that I had little to be concerned about.”

 

“Thanks, Mum. That’s really nice to hear.”

 

“I’m not blowing smoke, Jackson. You were almost always a really good little boy and though I was often concerned with how much time you spent alone, once you got older and began to push yourself out into the world, other than just spending time with Brad, I started to really believe I’d done a pretty good job with you. Now, with the young man you’ve become, I’m very proud of you.”

 

Turning his body, Jackson wrapped his arms around April and said, “I really love you more than you know, which is my fault because you’re right and I’ve been shit at saying the things I should’ve said a lot more.”

 

“I love you too, Jackson. You’ve just melted your mum’s heart.”

 

Jackson gave her a big kiss on the cheek and then sat back and smiled, as he looked at April smiling right back at him.

 

“I want you to know, Jackson, you can come and talk to me any time you want to or need to. About any subject, Jackson. I’ve got an open and smart mind. I’ve always supported you but I want you to know that I always will.”

 

Looking into his mother’s eyes, Jackson felt like she was trying to tell him something but the only thing that came to mind was that maybe, somehow, she knew he was gay. Even so, that was a wall he had only really begun to scale in recent times and he was not quite ready to start shouting it out to everybody, if he ever even felt that was necessary.

 

“I hear you Mum and I appreciate it,” he said.

 

“Well, the sunset’s gone, all the light’s gone and any moment the mosquitoes will start their little vampire acts on my skin, so I’m going back inside. You coming or are you a glutton for punishment?”

 

“I think I’ll stay out here for a while longer, Mum.”

 

“Alright, Sweetheart,” she said and then stood and walked toward the door.

 

“Mum?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I love you so much.”

 

“And the return over the net is delivered with identical intensity,” April said and smiled, before opening the door and disappearing inside.

 

That single conversation with his mother initiated a change in their relationship, which would continue from that night onward. Like magic, each time they were together from then on, the connection between them was easy, open and flowing and really, it became obvious to both of them that a long existing wall had suddenly crumbled.

 

Jackson looked up at the night. The stars were already spread across the sky. He wondered where Brad was and felt deep concern and he hoped he would come home soon. He wanted to go over and see him to put his own mind at ease, however, he also hoped, just maybe, he could put a smile on Brad’s face.

 

Five minutes later, Jackson walked back into the house and retired to his bedroom. He turned the television on and watched whatever was in front of his eyes but really, all he was doing was staring at the screen and not really taking much notice at all.

 

***

 

With all the lights out in the house because everyone had gone to bed, Jackson not only heard the car next-door but also, the light from the headlights somehow managed to reflect through his window, illuminating his bedroom for a few moments.

 

Jumping out of bed and pushing his erection into his briefs, he looked out the window and could see the dark silhouette of a car in front of the garage and he knew for certain that Brad was home.

 

Reaching for his shorts but not putting anything else on, including shoes, he quietly opened his door and stepped out of his room. He moved silently across the dining room, unlocked and opened the backdoor and slipped outside before closing and locking the door again.

 

Swiftly, Jackson ran around the house, opened the gate and stepped through. He then ran down, crossed the garden and ran over to the driveway to make sure he was not mistaken. He looked at the car, which he could see even though it was sitting in darkness. He was very surprised when he saw Brad’s head and realised he was still in the car. Quietly, he walked up and approached the open driver’s side window.

 

“Brad?”

 

“Lil Man,” Brad slurred.

 

“Your drunk,” Jackson said.

 

“Jusa lil tipsy,” Brad replied.

 

“I was concerned about you. Are you okay?”

 

“Toppa world, Lil Man.”

 

“I don’t know about that,” Jackson said.

 

“I’s good, Lil Man, long as ya don tell me lies.”

 

“I never will, Big Man.”

 

“Hahahahaha, Big Man. I like that, Lil Man.”

 

“So what are you doing?”

 

“I’s very comfy in car. I’s thinken might sleep here.”

 

“No, you’re not sleeping in the car.”

 

“My car, my life, I choose an dat no lie.”

 

“Big Man, you’ll wake up with a crick in your neck and a sore back.”

 

“Sokay. Lil Man can massage me.”

 

“Oh, is that right?”

 

“Don wan massage me?”

 

“Of course I do but I don’t want you to wake up feeling sore or bad and so why not let me take you inside and put you to bed?”

 

Brad turned his head and looked at Jackson. His eyes were alcohol red and he smiled, lifted his hand and offered it out the window. Jackson took it and held it and stared back. Brad tightened his grip and held his hand firmly.

 

“You wan take me to bed, Lil Man?”

 

Jackson could only think of one thing but thoughtfully he said, “I want to do anything for you that’s best for you, Big Man.”

 

“I know that bout you, Lil Man. You love me and I...” He trailed off.

 

Swallowing hard, Jackson said, “Come on, Brad, let me help you inside so you can get a good night’s sleep and we can talk tomorrow.”

 

“Don wan talk. Help me take the step, Lil Man.”

 

Jackson had no idea but when Brad asked him to help him, he was not referring to being so drunk he needed Jackson to help him out of the car and into the house. He was actually referring to a very different type of help.

 

Reaching down and opening the door, Jackson started to pull it open but had to stop because Brad was still holding his hand. He tried to pull it free but Brad would not let go.

 

“Brad, you have to let go of my hand or I won’t be able to get you out of the car.”

 

“K,” Brad said disappointedly, as he realised Jackson did not understand what he was trying to tell him. He released his hand.

 

Pushing the door open, Jackson wound up the window, pulled the key out of the ignition and put the key ring in his pocket. He then reached in and tried to put his hands under Brad’s arms so he could lift him out of the car. Brad, though, immediately wrapped his arms around Jackson’s torso and pulled him in against his chest and sort of onto his lap; the steering wheel pushing into his back.

 

“Brad, what are you doing?”

 

“Is easy, stay here wit me,” Brad said.

 

With his face so close to Brad’s, all he had to do was move forward a few centimetres and their lips would touch. He could also feel the heat of Brad’s chest coming through his shirt. It pervaded his body but Jackson could really feel it against his naked chest. The position was super uncomfortable but insanely hot and Jackson had to stop himself from leaning forward and kissing Brad. It also did not help with the way Brad was gazing into his eyes.

 

“Brad, you have to let me go.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m being squashed and the steering wheel is sticking into my back.”

 

“Lil Man is big.”

 

“Well, big er. It’s called growing up,” Jackson said, slightly frustrated by the drunken conversation.

 

“Grown into big man for a big man,” Brad said.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You’re older now. My lil man now my big man.”

 

“Brad, this is uncomfortable for me. Please let me take you inside.”

 

Brad nodded and his grip loosened. Jackson pushed himself back and got his feet firmly on the concrete. He grabbed Brad’s legs and pulled them out the door and then he leaned in again, put his hands under Brad’s arms and reached around his back, finally pulling him out and up. Brad tried to wrap his arms around Jackson but Jackson pushed him against the car and said, “Let me close and lock the car.”

 

As soon as the car was secure, Jackson grabbed Brad’s left arm, pulled it over his shoulder and wrapped it around his neck. Holding his wrist he asked, “Which door do you want to go in?”

 

“Backdoor,” he said, before he staggered and stumbled as Jackson led him.

 

They finally reached the door and Brad pointed to the correct key. As soon as they were inside and the door was locked, Jackson began leading Brad to the bedroom, a small lamp in the living room illuminating to light their way. He turned on the light in the bedroom but the moment he stopped walking, he froze with hesitation. His mind was telling him Brad had to undress but as irresistible as the thought was, Jackson felt uncomfortable with doing that.

 

“Come on, get yourself in bed,” Jackson said.

 

“Need to undress, Lil Man,” Brad replied, followed by a seductive smile and a conscious double-raising of his eyebrows, however, Jackson did not catch onto the meaning.

 

As Brad tried to pull his t-shirt over his head, though, somehow he got tangled up and stuck. His arms were bent over his head while his neck, his head and arms were hidden inside the shirt. As a consequence, because he could not see and was so drunk, he began to fall like a tree after the final blow of the axe.

 

Jackson lunged forward and grabbed him, only just keeping him standing.

 

“Who turned out the lights,” Brad said and laughed, his voice sounding like he was accentuating and trying to speak clearly.

 

“Sit,” Jackson said and Brad, believing Jackson would never do him wrong, complied without any doubt his arse would connect with something behind him.

 

Gripping the seam of the shirt and not caring if it turned inside out, Jackson pulled it into the air and Brad’s head and arms appeared. He then knelt down and pulled Brad’s runners off his feet. He then unhitched the button and zipper of the shorts and said, “Put your arms around my neck and stand up.”

 

Again Brad did as he was told and as Jackson pulled the shorts and let them fall to his ankles, as he watched Brad stepping out of the shorts, he immediately noticed Brad was wearing the platypus Speedo. He also could not help but notice the obvious bulge of the hidden log, which was laying from right to left.

 

“Did you go to the beach today?”

 

“This morning,” Brad replied.

 

“I can smell the salt, sort of,” Jackson said.

 

“We should go,” Brad said.

 

“It’s midnight, Brad.”

 

“Yeah, let’s skinny dip. You wan get naked wit me?”

 

Feeling the instant tightness in his chest, Jackson thought how much he would love to do that but said, “I don’t think so, Brad.”

 

“We could have fun, jus you and me, Jackson?”

 

“I’ll go to the beach with you any time, Brad. Just not tonight.”

 

“Okay,” Brad said with a sigh but then unexpectedly he asked, “I can count on Jackson?”

 

“Yes, you can. You can always count on me.”

 

“You care bout me?”

 

“Yes, I do. Of course I do.”

 

Brad reached out, wrapped his arms around Jackson and pulled him completely against his body, embracing him warmly. Jackson embraced back, though more automatically then with intent, at least until a moment later when he realised that a near-naked dream was taking place.

 

Jackson could feel the thick bulge of Brad’s cock, not only pushing through the Speedo but through his own shorts and onto his cock. Even as his mind began to go wild, he then noticed the muscle and skin of Brad’s chest, arms and legs, warmly pressing against him. He could now smell the salt intermixed with the days sweat, pervading from Brad’s hot skin, as his face was practically pressed against Brad’s neck.

 

Too late, though, Jackson suddenly became aware that he had somehow missed the boning up of his own erection. He wanted to push it against Brad’s cock and squeeze Brad tighter but by choice, he decided not to and hoped that maybe Brad would be too drunk to notice how hard he was.

 

“You wan go Terrigal with me, Lil Man?”

 

Jackson pulled his head back and looked into Brad’s eyes and said, “What? Why?”

 

“Parent’s beach house. We stay together and go the beach everyday. This time, no one make me leave early. Jus Lil Man and Brad.”

 

“Sure, you know I’d go anywhere with you.”

 

Instantly Jackson realised Brad’s bulge was rubbing side-to-side against his erection. He thought he had to be at home and in bed dreaming but then Brad pulled away and dropped onto the bed onto his back. The semi-erect cock in Brad’s Speedo was beyond obvious and Jackson thought that surely it was only a moment from being completely hard. The bulge looked so big and instantly it became a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow in Jackson’s mind. He felt his legs quiver and shake. He stared at Brad’s crotch for far too long and when he finally realised and looked up, he saw Brad staring at him.

 

“Jackson?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Brad reached out his left hand and Jackson took it with his right. Holding it tightly, Brad pulled him closer and told him to sit down. Jackson lowered his butt next to Brad’s waist and Brad pressed Jackson’s hand onto his chest. Jackson felt sure he could feel Brad’s heartbeat.

 

“I think I did have fireworks and rainbows. I was twelve.”

 

Jackson was stunned but said, “I’m glad and I’m happy for you, Brad.”

 

“Why do you do that? You think but don’t say and then say something else. Why do you care about me so much, Jackson?”

 

“I just do.”

 

“No, we both know, Jackson.”

 

“What’s he talking about? Why do I do what? What do I say but don’t say? Oh shit, does he know? I should tell him. Just say it, Jackson. Tell him you want his arms around you. Tell him you want him to kiss you. Tell him you want him like nothing and no one else. Tell him, just tell him...”

 

“Brad, I don’t, I mean, I can’t, I mean...”

 

Brad gripped Jackson’s wrist that was on his chest and as he held it tightly, he rolled his body onto his side toward the centre of the bed. Jackson had no alternative then to drop down and move with him and suddenly his chest was pressed against Brad’s back.

 

Not knowing whether to appease the yes of his heart or the no of his head, a moment later, spontaneously, Jackson was spooning Brad and he stopped trying to pull his hand free. The moment he was against him, Brad released Jackson’s hand and Jackson turned what had been his arm’s forced position into an embrace.

 

Just a moment later, Brad released a soft sigh and shortly after, Jackson was caressing the tips of his fingers over Brad’s chest. He then leaned forward, kissed Brad’s back right in the centre between his shoulder blades and finally, he whispered, “I love you, Brad.”

 

It was as Jackson was subtly rubbing the erection inside his shorts against Brad’s arse, he noticed Brad’s whole body was completely relaxed and he felt certain that Brad had passed out. He sighed as he thought his words had gone unheard.

 

Staying exactly where he was positioned, he kissed Brad’s back again. He then touched one of the nipples he had been staring at since he was a child. Appeasing the silent whisper, he reached down and he touched the fully erect cock covered by the Speedo.

 

Suddenly, even though Brad was unconscious, the realisation he was in Brad’s bedroom, he was in Brad’s bed with him and holding him and they both were so close to naked, Jackson felt like he was part of some magical moment in time. During his times with Ben or with Saad, neither had ever made him feel like he did right at that moment.

 

Embracing the big body more firmly, Jackson pressed his lips to Brad’s back and kissed without pulling his lips away. He inhaled deeply, smelling Brad’s scent, even though it was still the aroma of sea salt and man sweat. He then slid his lips over the hot, smooth and tight skin and a moment later, he licked the skin and thought Brad tasted irresistible.

 

Sliding back a little, Jackson rolled Brad onto his back. He caressed the big chest and then wrapped his arm around the big body and as he leaned forward and rested his chest on Brad’s chest, he lowered his head and kissed those lips. It was not the full kiss he wanted but it made his head spin. Moving his hand again, he slid it down and inside the Speedo and as he held and stroked the hot and hard prize, suddenly, Brad’s lips parted and Brad’s tongue pushed into his mouth.

 

The kiss was beyond belief for Jackson and he was instantly breathless. He pushed his chest harder against Brad’s and he allowed Brad’s tongue to engage with his own. He then began to squeeze the big cock and stroke it faster at the same time. Brad’s body moved a little and then a sound like a whimper passed between their mouths, before Brad’s tongue retreated back into his mouth.

 

In that split second, Jackson considered that Brad was still completely drunk and he was barely even conscious. He believed that Brad had no idea it was him he was kissing. He thought Brad was simply reacting to the stimulus of someone loving and kissing him while stroking his cock. Jackson stopped everything, lifted up and pulled back. Unfortunately, Brad’s eyes remained closed, he breathed heavily for a moment and then the quiet stillness of a sleeping man returned. Jackson sighed.

 

In spite of how insanely horny and in love Jackson felt, he knew that a sleeping Brad had never been how he wanted this to happen. When Brad kissed him he thought Brad had awoken and knew it was him. Now he believed Brad had no idea at all.

 

When Brad had pulled him down onto the bed, Jackson had wondered if he was initiating sex. It had seemed like after all the years of wishing and hoping, the dream was finally coming true. During those few seconds it had seemed so real but now, Jackson was certain he had allowed himself to fall into the feelings and hopes of his begging heart.

 

“It’s obvious. If what happened had been real and I wasn’t creating a fairytale out of the innocent actions of a hurt and drunken man, then all of this would have happen when Brad was sober and awake. I just can’t take advantage of the man I love while he’s unconscious and without control.”

 

Sitting up, Jackson pushed himself up and off the bed. He turned around and looked at the irresistible man and then he pulled the sheet over Brad’s body. He moved Brad’s runners under the bed so he would not trip over if he got out of bed during the night. He then picked up and folded Brad’s clothes and placed them on the dresser. He drew the curtains so the morning light would not wake him and then walked over to the doorway. He turned around and looked at Brad once more, before he flicked the light to darkness.

 

As he passed through the living room to the front door, he opened it, flicked off the little lamp beside it in the corner and as the entire house fell into darkness, he stepped outside and pulled the front door closed and quietly pushed the screen door into place.

 

Two minutes later he was in his bedroom and naked on his bed. He jerked off but not like any other time in his life. This time there was nothing frenzied or desperate about it; this time it was tender, as he remembered the taste of Brad’s lips and tongue and the feeling of Brad’s skin on his skin. The emotions seemed wrong for masturbation because he felt so disappointed, even though in the weirdest way, he felt elated and alive.

 

The memories so clear, the pictures so vivid and the feeling of the big and powerful body in his arms, created a climax that seemed to send sparks of electricity from head to toe. There was yet another feeling of disappointment but he knew it was toward himself, as he resented walking away from what he had always wanted. However, the climax did the inevitable and moments later, Jackson was deep in the softness of sleep.

 

To be continued...