Chapter 5 
Life.

 

It was not only the day at the top of the yard or the day at the beach a year later, which seemed like special moments to Jackson regarding Brad. It was many of the times they would spend together over the next few years, as both subtle as well as obvious changes began to occur, within the ever-evolving relationship that connected them.

 

Irrespective of the many colourful bubbles in the liquid flow of their times together, whether it was the deep, meaningful and important questions or the revealing conversations they shared, each moment only seemed to bolster and reinforce the relationship that had been growing between them for the past eight years.

 

Jackson was growing up and not just physically, making it easier for Brad to not only talk to Jackson but to relate to him in a more mature way. It was clear that Jackson was becoming an adult and though he was only fourteen, Brad was beginning to see an even more thoughtful, young man, as the nature of his interactions began to change. Real adult conversations were occurring more frequently and Brad believed that in a few years, Jackson and he would become adult friends.

 

The next year began, summer came to an end and eventually the weather started to get cold. Throughout, following the occurrence that ended with a cold shower and a rule that was not to be broken, Brad continued to push any random thoughts and feelings about Jackson into the background.

 

Regardless of the intensity of what had taken place that day, Brad really did not want to accept what had happened but even so, he did think autumn and winter were a godsend because of all the extra clothing. He knew Jackson was ripening like a Mango right in front of his eyes but because the young man was covered in cold weather clothing from neck to toe, spending time with him was not so confronting.

 

During that passage of time, Brad’s intellectual struggles diminished and things returned to normal. His relationship with Penny was still perfectly fine and their love and sex and connection was unchanged. Work was still good, life was still fine and even though he and Jackson continued to share their normal times together, things seemed to just fall back into place.

 

If he did think about the occurrence in the kitchen, though, he told himself they were just momentary thoughts and he was old enough and wise enough to push them aside. In actual fact, Brad did push everything deep into the background and before winter came to an end, as well as for the next couple of years, he consciously returned his focus on Jackson to being nothing other than a very good friend.

 

For Jackson, a month before he turned fifteen, he had a feeling the year ahead would be different. He had no rational reason to believe that would be the case but somewhere inside he believed that fifteen held a change in store for him.

 

In one way that was odd compared to most kids in life, Jackson had never had a good friend, a best friend or a close friend with someone his own age. There were the guys who were his mates at school but they were just guys who filled a purpose. Though he adapted to fit in, he never really felt like he belonged or that their time together was going to last.

 

There was no intent on his part to use or exploit those mates but in a social world, he rolled with the applicable group and played an appropriate role. The reality was the only times he ever felt like he truly belonged, were the times he was with his mum or with Brad.

 

In June, as soon as he turned fifteen, he began going out with his mates from school on weekend nights. They were all getting older, the time had arrived to begin solo flights from the nest and though they were not particularly close friends, going out for the first times as teenagers, it just seemed that being with the guys you hung out with at school, would make the social transition easier.

 

It started with a single idea of going to an amusement park but it was fun and so that one outing evolved into going to the movies at another time and then another time. Then came the questions of where they would go to next? Sometimes they just went out and wandered the city, anything to escape home and do something different.

 

The possibilities of what they could do unsupervised seemed exciting and so they tried getting into bars, nightclubs and other drinking establishments but with some of them looking too young or simply the lack of false identification, they were told to leave the premises or dismissed by doormen before they even got in.

 

During that same time Jackson noticed the increase in the talk about girls and he knew he was approaching the time when his choices and actions would have to change. Always in the back of his mind was the side of him he felt he had to hide. He reached a point where he had to pick and choose what he would do with his mates and what he would not.

 

When his mates called and told him they were going out, he waited to find out where they were going and what they were doing, before he told them whether he had permission from his parents or not. If there were going to be girls, Jackson’s parents became the evildoers and his excuse for avoiding the situations of no interest to him. If it was just going to be the boys going to games arcades or movies or whatever, he went out willingly without a problem.

 

Due to the fact he went out with the guys so often, somehow they did not seem to notice he was never there at the times that were so instrumental in a heterosexual, male teenager’s life. He was well liked but he was no one’s best friend and so he was always there but occasionally not. He was also not attracted to any of them and so that side of the equation was irrelevant as well.

 

By that point in his life, no one was questioning him about anything and though he had never been aware that anyone had ever questioned his sexuality, other than an insecure feeling that maybe his dad had suggested it by calling Aussie Rules a pansy sport, he still thought that no one had the slightest idea.

 

At the time, life seemed to continue to just roll on by and it seemed like he had no reason for concern. Though he had already secretly decided it would be his last year of school, he was doing well enough academically and he hoped leaving would not be reacted to badly. He had a few mates and sort of a social life but there were no problems there either. He still spent a lot of time with Brad but there was nowhere else he would rather be. Where Brad was concerned, deep down, he really did not care what anyone thought about their friendship.

 

When it came down to the young man he had become, Jackson was fit, he was healthy and for a teenager, he seemed well-adjusted and very happy. Basically he knew he was accepted and trusted by everyone and so in essence, as far as he was concerned, the world continued to spin and those around him continued to treat him as if all was well.

 

Toward the end of that year, though, it seemed like everyone had an opinion, all of which disagreed with his. It was not just his parents or Brad and Penny, some of his teachers and even some of his mates at school thought the same. Everyone seemed to believe he was making a mistake, when he finally let the cat out of the bag and told them he was leaving school at the end of year ten.

 

Even Brad said it might be better for him to continue on for the final two years but though Brad could usually sway him and almost did, Jackson still hated school with a passion and if by law he was legally allowed to end something he no longer had to do, then even the man of his dreams was not going to change his mind.

 

On the day he finished school, Jackson walked away like he had just been released from prison. As he stepped out of the school gates for the final time, he consciously made a decision to cut ties with his mates from school. He thought it would be easier than coming out to a bunch of straight guys who really were not going to be of importance in his life.

 

No longer needing to go to school, he spent the last three months of that year doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, even though he was becoming aware if he was not with Brad, some part of him always felt alone. As the new year began, though, he felt a change inside of him and he felt like he was under enormous pressure from life itself.

 

The change began when he realised every tomorrow was suddenly a blank canvas. There was nowhere he had to be, nothing he had to do but with those around him working, there was also no one to share his time with. With that awareness, he knew he had no idea what to do about anything. Life seemed like a jigsaw puzzle but all the pieces were upside down in a colourless, grey pile, giving him no idea of the picture he was meant to create.

 

Suddenly, as if from out of nowhere, the unknown road ahead seemed scary. His lack of ambitions or goals made the concept of tomorrow an uncomfortable proposition. Fun times and moments were one thing but they did not last. Apart from Brad, only his imagination and his fantasies seemed easy and accessible and non-confrontational.

 

In a way that was even more tangible, he could see by leaving youth behind, people really were alone and responsibility was a mountain that needed to be conquered. He was only fifteen but now his mind was beginning to grasp the nature of self-reliance and adulthood. It felt frightening, particularly on top of some other things that were bothering him.

 

Unfortunately, not long into the beginning of his first year following leaving school, Frank confronted him one night and asked what he was going to do for work. The truth was Jackson had no idea what he wanted to do or even what he was capable of doing and so, needing a response that would hopefully shut his father down, he came up with an idea spontaneously, which he thought might make things easier.

 

“Well, Dad, we’re talking about the rest of my life. I really don’t think that’s something to be flippant about or to make random or rash decisions about and so I decided because I’m unsure, I’m going to take a gap year, give it a lot of serious thought and choose wisely what career I’m going to pursue,” he said, followed by a smile, thinking he had sounded smart and adult.

 

Conservative as well as a traditional man, Frank was not impressed. It was only two years earlier that Frank had even heard of a gap year and in his mind it was about kids not wanting to work and just wanting to have fun and do nothing. He turned away from Jackson and looked at April.

 

He asked, “Did you know about this?”

 

April shook her head and said, “No, Frank, I didn’t but as much as I understand what you’re thinking, he’s put it to us in a very reasonable way and if he’s going to put some serious thought into his future, then I guess one more year won’t hurt. I mean he would’ve been at school anyway?”

 

“It sounds to me like a way to avoid responsibility,” Frank said.

 

Knowing his life was in their hands, Jackson stood silently waiting, hoping the dice would fall his way. Frank looked at him and shook his head and then he looked back at April with a very unimpressed expression but a moment later, he turned to Jackson and stared at him with very serious eyes.

 

“Alright but you listen to me closely, Jackson. You’ve got until February next year. At that point I don’t give a shit if you have to sweep the streets. If you don’t know what you want to do or you’re not making serious strides toward something in particular, then I don’t care what job you have to take. You’ll get a job, whether you like it or not and you’ll turn up and work everyday regardless of what it entails.

 

“Hear me well, Jackson. If you’re not working by March, I’ll kick you out of this house without recourse. To put it simply, Jackson, you’ll be on the streets without money and without clothing, other then what’s on your back at the time. Even your mother won’t be able to save your arse. Do you understand me?”

 

“Yes, Dad,” he said, trying desperately not to look as shocked as he was.

 

“Fine. Don’t waste the opportunity and don’t take our generosity for granted,” Frank said and then walked out of the living room with stubborn footfalls.

 

“Jackson, he’s very serious and I hope you understand that once he makes a decision and gives an ultimatum like that, he’ll never back down,” April said.

 

“I do but Mum, thanks for standing by me and supporting me.”

 

“Honestly, Jackson, I’m more in agreement with Frank than I am with you regarding this. I’m your mother though and I’ve always trusted you and supported you and so I hope you don’t let me down,” she said seriously.

 

Looking into his mother’s eyes, Jackson felt like he had already let her down because he knew the gap year thing was bullshit. He was feeling so much pressure with so many things and he was hoping beyond hope that time would sort everything out for him. He nodded, his mother looked back at him with uncertainty in her eyes and then she stood and left the room as well. Jackson sighed, felt like he had weathered a storm and then went to his room and closed the door.

 

Falling onto his bed and staring out his window up at the stars, Jackson felt even more pressure than he had already been feeling. Though he knew who he was he also felt like he did not know who he was. He wished that superheros could be true and some handsome hero would swoop in and save the day and lead him into an awesome future.

 

It seemed to Jackson that only a man’s love and desire for him, could make all his problems go away. Then he would really understand who he was clearly, then his heart would not feel so uncertain and additionally, then his constant desire for sex would mean so much more than it did, as it became more than his hand and a tissue and the desire to do it over and over again.

 

If he could move in with the man he loved and have sex with him all the time, then thinking about stupid things like getting a job and making money, would not be so hard. Maybe with that man, he could meet new friends, guys that would understand him and relate to him and then surely, his entire world would fall into place.

 

“Why does it all have to be so hard? Why can’t it just be like it is when I’m with Brad? Why does he have to be straight? Why can’t he love me instead of Penny? Why can’t my kiss be the kiss Brad hoped for?

 

“Why the fuck can’t I stop thinking about all this shit and why is jerking off the only thing I want to do everyday? Fuck, I wanna jerk off now. I’m always hard, I’m always horny and I can’t get Brad out of my mind.

 

“You need to go out, you need to go to the gay scene and then maybe you can meet some friends and find someone like Brad who actually is gay. Then maybe you can do all the things you fantasise about doing with Brad while you’re pulling your cock day and night.

 

“Fuck, I think I’m losing my mind,” he thought.

 

Pulling his t-shirt up and pushing his shorts down, Jackson caressed his chest, stroked his cock and then closed his eyes and pictured Brad naked, wrapped around him and kissing him with a passion that burned. Despite all his internal struggles and the subsequent pressures he was feeling, the simple fantasy of Brad relaxed him and a smile returned to his face.

 

***

 

Aware that things were not comfortable for Jackson, even though Jackson was always happy when he was with him, Brad knew about the gap year through Penny’s relationship with April. He knew what was going on but Brad made a specific choice it was not for him to interfere. His choice was really because Jackson had chosen not to talk to him about what was happening, which sort of made Brad feel less necessary, making him feel a little sad and disappointed.

 

As a consequence, Brad said nothing even though he could see that Jackson was just wasting time. He felt sure there was something underlying but being used to Jackson talking to him about anything that was bothering him, he left Jackson to his own devices and waited for the day he would be needed.

 

Regardless, Jackson moved through that year and continued enjoying all of his free time, as much of it as he could with Brad. During the warm weather months whenever Brad was not around, he rode his bike, went to the beach or explored his local and surrounding areas; anything that caught his fancy. During the colder weather, though, apart from watching football or lifting weights with Brad, he spent far too much time at home watching television or on the Internet or just hibernating like a bear.

 

There really were only two things on his mind that he gave any real attention to during that year. The first and most important was Brad of course but the second, which was indirectly as well as directly concerned with Brad as well, was his obsession with his hard cock and the amount of times he ejaculated.

 

Jackson’s mind was fixed on his sexuality, as well as his desire for love and finally, what he believed was his inability to be truly happy without a partner. Fundamentally, Jackson was having an adolescent crisis, not only because he did not know what to do with his life but also, he did not know how to confront a niggling fear, which continued to grow like a monster in his mind.

 

By the time June came around and he turned sixteen, little had changed and he still had made no effort to find work or to change his life in any productive way. Frank constantly glared at him but said nothing and even April had a look in her eyes that seemed to be concerned yet filled with doubt. His own mind was constantly screaming at him to wake up and do something, however, the longer he allowed his apathy to maintain control, the deeper he was falling into a place of uncertainty.

 

In Australia, sixteen was seen as the ultimate end of childhood and the initial stages of adulthood. Jackson was able to get a driver’s licence, which he did with the help of Brad. He was also able to legally have consensual sex but unfortunately, that was not as simple as passing a test.

 

In his mind, he was not sure how to approach the situation. He thought he should go to the gay scene but that seemed like a scary, mystical world with sabre-toothed tigers and dragons at the gate. He felt so young and alone and there was no one who knew his hunger or to accompany him on his quest.

 

He thought life and the world made no sense. He had to wait until he was eighteen to drink alcohol or to vote in elections, however, the one thing that seemed so difficult and strangely terrifying, at least to him, legally was already available to him. He did not understand how that could be? Finding sex did not seem as simple as walking into a liquor store and buying some beer or ticking a box and putting a piece of paper into a slot to vote a government into power.

 

It was not about getting naked and having sex with a guy that bothered him; it was approaching strangers he did not know, with no idea how to act or what to say or what would happen. Deep down inside of him, he perceived that moment as a very dark, lonely and unsafe room.

 

Not surprisingly, sex had been heavily on his mind since his encounter with Ben when he was eleven. Since the age of seven, Jackson had been aware he was different to other boys. He knew it with certainty at the start of his adolescence, when Ben invited him into the treehouse. In another way, though, he knew it long before that, due to the feelings in his heart he always felt for Brad.

 

He was not confused about what he had to do or needed to do but with his growing maturity, clarity was as much his demon, as confusion could have been instead. As a sixteen-year-old he looked back and he was so aware he had not been with another boy since Ben. From that one day as an eleven-year-old, he would have been sexually willing everyday that followed, if only Ben had not vanished and never returned.

 

Still he wondered, if that would have made any difference to how hesitant he felt about going into a world of gay men, all of whom would be experienced and comfortable and who would look at him like he was just a stupid, dumb kid.

 

He could not even count how many times he went to the treehouse in the first year that followed he and Ben being together. Every time he had begged that Ben would be there naked, to offer him a body to touch, a cock to suck or warm, wet lips to kiss, as they held each other in that alternate reality where time stood still.

 

There had been one moment during the current year, though, when he was thinking about that exact time; he realised that while he was sitting alone in the treehouse, Ben’s naked body was lying in the long grass just behind the tree for that whole year. He felt horrified by the thought and a sick feeling overcame him, as he felt terrified by what could happen in life.

 

He felt so much older now he was sixteen and he even felt like he was smarter and knew more. Still, the one thing that concerned him so much, seemed like it was waiting patiently on the moon for him to arrive and all he had to do was work out how to get there.

 

The previous two years of adolescent, sexual obsession had been bad enough but as this year continued and the next year was coming closer, his mind, heart and body were a cauldron of teenage hormones, with no warlock to balance the strange ingredients of the potion containing the spell, which he felt he had drank without his knowledge.

 

He was constantly being devoured by both sexual and emotional thoughts and feelings, all of which were about naked boys and men but mainly about Brad. It was like an insane compulsion and no matter how much he tried to stop masturbating or fantasising, he ended up in the whirlpool again. He had no idea how to stop his mind or take control, other than to take the one step into that world of men, which absolutely terrified him.

 

Any chance he had or any opportunity that became available, as well as all of the unexpected time he spent alone, his hand was always on his cock. It seemed to be erect for at least twenty of the twenty-four hours in a day, which was irritating but also irresistible. Sometimes he expelled all the semen from his body before the morning was even over. By the time he fell asleep at night, his cock was so raw he could hardly touch it. Not that it stopped him; strangely, the feeling of super-sensitivity could add to the overwhelming pleasure.

 

By that point in his life, though, the sight of Brad, his fantasies of Brad and the extreme sense of envy when Penny kissed or held Brad close, were like flashing neon lights in his heart and mind. There were also the amount of erections he had to hide, every time Brad was alone with him or touched him innocently. Sometimes all it took was for Brad to say his name and his body and mind would go into sexual overload.

 

At times Jackson thought he was a loser and should be finding a boy of his age, however, his love for Brad consumed him so completely, he sometimes made stupid decisions not to leave the house, just in case Brad would invite him over and he would get to be with Brad and maybe the impossible might happen.

 

Whatever the case, though not a complete virgin because of Ben, he was still fundamentally sexually innocent. He used the Internet and Internet porn to learn about gay men and gay sex. It turned him on so much but he also felt nervous. It was a sense of hesitation and fear about the world of gay men. What if they forced him to let them fuck him? He wondered about ways he could meet another boy his age but he also knew it was not another boy he wanted; it was Brad and only Brad.

 

Back between the ages of eleven and fifteen, Jackson’s body suddenly began to grow in a substantial way but in the last two years, with Brad’s guidance and the regular use of the weights, his body not only completed it’s growth, he also built it to a perfectly appropriate size. Unexpectedly, Jackson was one hundred eighty centimetres or five feet eleven. In addition, his new size and weight, as well as the building of bigger muscle, filled him out and like magic, he was an impressive, young man.

 

As a consequence, there were so many times when he looked at himself naked in the mirror, he looked so good that the sight of his own body made him think of Brad naked and instantly, he was jerking off and blowing another load.

 

Of course Jackson was no where near as impressive as Brad but he was determined to keep working on his body and most of the time Brad was beside him, which only spurred him on, even if Brad’s body distracted him all the time.

 

***

 

The time finally arrived and as January of the following year began, Frank began harassing Jackson about getting a job. He had just over two months to the deadline and even his mother was making subtle comments on the matter. Eventually, one day he went to Brad to talk about what he should do?

 

Brad asked, “What do you want to do?”

 

“I don’t know, hang out at the beach with you all day,” Jackson joked.

 

Brad smiled at Jackson but though he knew the words were delivered as a joke, he suspected they were not and the meaning beneath the words were true. Brad walked over and sat on the grass in front of Jackson and looked at him seriously.

 

“Jackson, the truth is that most people, if they’re honest, would tell you they’d prefer not to work and they’d rather go to the beach, do really fun things or travel the world. There are a million things people would rather do as an alternative to the daily grind of work.

 

“The thing is, it’s not about want, it’s about need. It’s about the world we live in and the system of society our world has agreed to. What I’m saying is that we have to work or there’d be no one to maintain our society, to keep us all healthy or to create all the things we tell ourselves we can’t exist without in our lives.

 

“You’re not going to live with your parents forever and so you need to be able to buy or rent a home and you need to be able to pay for your food, your clothes and electricity. We all have to get jobs, Jackson.”

 

With a mature version of the pout, which was more a helpless expression, Jackson replied, “But I don’t know what to do?”

 

Seeing the uncertainty and concern in Jackson’s eyes, Brad felt a strange sense that his little man was with him again. He leaned forward, stretched out his arm and he squeezed the young man’s shoulder. He watched as the eyes lifted and looked deeply into his, almost begging for an answer.

 

“Sometimes it’s not an easy choice. Sometimes people have to do jobs they don’t even want to do because they have to. It’s what your mum was trying to tell you before you left school. It’s the reason why adults try to talk their kids into going all the way to year twelve or even on to university. The more advanced your education, the greater the chance of a better job. Anyway, before you take any job as your first job, take some time to stop and think about the things in life that make you feel good.

 

“When you know what those things are, ask yourself is there any type of job or career, in some way associated with one of those things, which you might be able to do. Then go onto the Internet and search through everything involved. Who knows, maybe you can find a job that suits who you are and what’s important to you. I’m not giving you guarantees but if life shines on you, you just might be lucky,” Brad advised.

 

Of course Brad’s thoughts and words took centre stage and a few days into the following week, Jackson took some time out, sat alone and he thought and he wondered about the things he loved that he could somehow turn into a job. He began to get frustrated when no ideas came but as he was watching a video on Youtube to distract his feelings of uselessness, something caught his attention. It was not anything he had ever thought about or considered but suddenly he felt like someone had switched on a light.

 

Instantly he was thinking about his love of the male physique and the way Brad’s body had changed the importance of his own. He thought about how important it was to look after the body and as he watched an Asian man giving a massage to another man involved in the Martial Arts, Jackson decided he could learn about muscles and the body and make people feel better while making money.

 

“Yeah, I reckon I’d like that and it’s something I’ve been interested in ever since Brad let me work-out with him,” he thought.

 

Immediately searching and reading and watching videos, the entire afternoon disappeared as an entire plan and a goal filled his mind. He spoke to April that night and when she told him she thought it was a good idea, he felt a sense of achievement fill him. His mother was a nurse and she knew the importance in what he was trying to explain about health and wellbeing.

 

It was January, only five months before he turned seventeen but with an entire life ahead of him, he had plenty of time to do the courses and the learning, which his mother told him they would pay for.

 

Jackson decided that because it was something that interested him, it would be nothing like going to school and learning stuff that bored him senseless. Instead, it would actually have a purpose that would lead him to a better life and money in his pocket. It was not a correct attitude but it worked to his benefit and as the year passed him by, Jackson began his journey to become a professional masseur.

 

The next day Jackson made the calls, got the required information and soon after he was involved in an intensive course in remedial massage. He also took other rudimentary courses in anatomy and by the time the next year was almost upon him, his career-schooling, at least for the most part, was drawing to a close.

 

***

 

Through mid year Jackson turned seventeen and his initial courses were coming to an end. Jackson’s focus was admirable, as he worked hard and learned all he needed to so he could begin his career. He even took other courses in different types of massage so he could be the best he could be at what he had decided he wanted to do. He also met some nice young people who were doing what he was doing and it seemed, at least with some of them, maybe they could be friends.

 

As the courses continued he met up with some of the students and went to their houses so they could practice and talk and discuss all of what they were learning. There were both girls and guys although the ratio was heavier toward girls. There was also one guy he was really attracted to, even though they had barely spoken more than a few words.

 

The guy was a very well educated young man named Saad. He had jet black hair, the deepest, dark brown eyes and he was either really tanned or he had naturally brown skin. Everything about him suggested he was from somewhere else in the world but Jackson could not tell what nationality he was. He was incredibly handsome with a big and solid body and for a long time Jackson wanted to get close to him to see if there was any opportunity available.

 

In September, three months after he had turned seventeen, Jackson was out having lunch with Jessie, the girl who had been side-by-side with him throughout the initial course. Jessie was a petite and very attractive girl with short blonde hair. They had become very friendly and they often went out for coffee and talked. They got on really well and they laughed a lot but one day Jessie asked Jackson, if maybe he might be willing to go out with her on a date?

 

It was the last thing he had been expecting but for the first time in his life, Jackson knew he had no alternative because he did not want to lie or deceive the girl he really liked. He had no idea if they could become permanent friends but he really hoped they could.

 

“Jessie, I need to tell you something.”

 

“It’s okay, Jackson, you don’t have to make an excuse. If your not attracted to me then just say no.”

 

“No, Jessie, it’s not that. I mean, it is that but not in the way you’re thinking. You’re a really beautiful girl and I’m honoured but Jessie, I’m… Um, I’m gay, Jessie.”

 

“How did I not see that coming? Of course you’re gay. A guy as handsome as you with a body like yours who is concerned with his appearance while also speaking thoughtfully and has good manners; you’d have to be a million dollar jackpot to be straight. It’s cool, Jackson.”

 

“You don’t mind?”

 

“Why would I mind, Jackson?”

 

“Um, I don’t know. I mean, you’re the first person I’ve ever told.”

 

“Really? Wow, I’m honoured,” Jessie said.

 

“I can’t believe you’re reacting this way,” Jackson replied.

 

“So no one knows about you yet?”

 

“No. I mean I want to come out but this is a whole new path ahead of me and I’m sort of scared.”

 

“I’m not surprised, Jackson. I’ve thought about gay guys and I can only imagine what it must be like growing up and accepting yourself in a macho oriented country like Australia? I mean of course things have changed a lot since the plebiscite and the country has voted on marriage equality but even so, we all know there are still a huge amount of narrow minded people who can’t get passed their traditional and conservative views,” Jessie explained.

 

“Man, I’m so happy I met you but I’m also really surprised the first person I told would be so super cool about it? This is a real learning curve for me,” Jackson said.

 

“There’s a lot more of us out there then you know, Jackson. Just learn to trust yourself but just as importantly, learn to trust other people as well. Even though we’ve grown up on the other side of the fence, we’ve all heard the stories and seen the way you guys have been treated for so long. We also know most of you are really nice people and so even if some people might not be able to relate to what you do in bed, most of us still know what you do with your dicks is not all there is to who you are,” Jessie clarified.

 

“Thank you, Jessie.”

 

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

 

“I wish,” Jackson said.

 

“Is there anyone at the course you like?”

 

“There’s one guy that caught my eye.”

 

“Let me guess. You like Saad.”

 

“Yeah, he’s so hot,” Jackson replied.

 

“Well, I think you’re way better looking then Saad but even I thought he’s a great looking guy. I just didn’t try to connect with him because even though I’m not one hundred percent certain, I’ve noticed he spends a lot of time with Rachel and I’ve seen the way she looks at him. I’ve wondered if maybe they’re an item?”

 

“Right, that’d be my luck,” Jackson said.

 

***

 

One day, two weeks later, in spite of what Jessie had surmised, Jackson approached Saad and asked him if he could give him a massage to practice on a man? Saad seemed perfectly happy for them to set up a practice day and so they made a date and Saad invited Jackson to his place, which was an apartment where he lived alone.

 

“Man, this place is awesome. How can you afford a place like this when you’re only nineteen?”

 

An eighth floor apartment on the southwestern edge of the city, the views were jaw-dropping as they looked over the harbour and towards the bridge. The apartment was also beautiful and spacious inside and the furnishings were like something out of a super-high-end magazine.

 

“It’s my father’s but he went back to Lebanon for business purposes and decided to stay there. I grew up here and I didn’t want to go there, which he was okay with. I’d never been in trouble or stepped out of line and I was pretty much killing it at school. Anyway, with school practically over, he told me he considered me mature and responsible and so if I proved myself to him by living alone, going to school and graduating and not getting into any trouble, he’d let me choose any life I wanted at the end.”

 

“Shit, Saad. Didn’t your mum have anything to say about that?”

 

“No. Mum and Dad split up and divorced years ago. It was mostly about religion. She was Hindu but he was Catholic and over time their beliefs got in the way of their love, their lives and their general cultural beliefs. She went back to India but he stayed in Australia and because of the issue of financial security, more than any other reason, the court gave him custody of me and I haven’t seen her since. I do get cards and letters from her occasionally but that’s about it.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Jackson said.

 

“Don’t be, it’s okay, Jackson. Dad and I have a great relationship and we’re really tight as a father and son. I really don’t think it affected me to any major degree.”

 

“So your dad is Lebanese and your mum is Indian. I’ve often wondered what nationality you were? I never would have guessed Lebanese-Indian-Australian.”

 

“To me, I’m just Australian, Jackson. I was born and raised here and that’s how I see myself,” he clarified.

 

“I guess that explains the colour of your skin. I mean, you don’t look subcontinent brown; you look more a lighter, creamy brown and so I guess your dad is white.”

 

“Yeah. Anyway, I managed to just end up one of the luckiest guys in Sydney. Dad’s been gone for just over twelve months and though we talk on the phone all the time, he has no plans of coming back any time soon and he trusts me completely. I finished year twelve and though he said he didn’t mind what I chose to do, I don’t think I lived up to his hopes or expectations when I told him I was going to become a masseur.

 

“After a lengthy pause during the call, though, he knew he couldn’t go back on his word and so he reminded me of his previous conditions, which were as long as whatever I did, I stuck with it, worked hard at it and became successful at it. Anyway, my life is my own even though I’m alone and now I can do as I please, not that I’ve really done anything yet,” Saad said.

 

Jackson asked, “What did he want you to do?”

 

“Business but preferably with an entrepreneurial slant.”

 

“I’m guessing that wasn’t your thing?”

 

“Um, I mean yeah, I was interested in the idea and I was certainly capable but there was just this certain part of me that wanted a quieter type of life and existence,” Saad said, almost enigmatically.

 

Having been born and grown up in Australia, even though Saad looked like he was from somewhere else, his voice was Australian, although educated and eloquent. He also dressed with style and his appearance seemed manicured, which was somewhat incongruous when associated with his big and manly body.

 

“It all sounds and looks to me like your dad is rich,” Jackson said.

 

“I’m not gloating Jackson but that’s an understatement.”

 

“Right,” Jackson said. “So tell me, the name Saad, is that Lebanese?”

 

“No, actually it’s fairly old and dates back a long way. Some say it’s from the Aramaic language but generally it’s origin is considered Arabic.”

 

“So how did you come to be called that name?”

 

“Both Dad and Mum liked it and so that’s the name I was christened with.”

 

“I like it too,” Jackson said. “Do you know what it means?”

 

“In essence, it means peace, prosperity and happiness and bringing lightness to others.”

 

“That’s nice. I really like that,” Jackson said.

 

“Thanks,” Saad replied.

 

“How do you say it correctly because I really don’t want to pronounce it the wrong way?”

 

“You’ve been saying it right, Jackson. Some people say Sad and others pronounce it Sayd but it’s actually pronounced Sard, even though it’s a double A.”

 

“I’m glad I was saying it right,” Jackson said.

 

Saad nodded and then said, “Anyway, you want to practice here in front of the view? No one can see.”

 

“That’d be awesome, Jackson replied.

 

Immediately Jackson set up his massage table and when he was almost ready, Saad began to undress in front of him. With a comfort and confidence that seemed almost forced, Saad faced Jackson as he removed every item of clothing and folded it, before placing it on the lounge. Jackson forced himself to look passed him at the view, not that it was too difficult, even though it was Saad he really wanted to look at.

 

When Saad was wearing nothing but underwear, which most people left on, Saad removed those as well. His unmoving, full frontal display was directed toward Jackson, as he slowly folded his underpants until Jackson finally turned and looked at him. Though not erect, Saad’s manhood was uncircumcised, thick and sizeable and the moment he saw Jackson’s eyes scan his entire body and pause briefly on his cock, he walked over and lay naked on the table face down.

 

Naturally, Jackson placed a towel over his mid-section, which was the standard thing to do during any massage, underwear or not. However, Saad told him it was unnecessary because no one else would see and so he may as well just remove it. By that point Jackson was so turned on because Saad was a hot feast of maleness and every part of his body seemed exotic and perfect. Regardless, Jackson went straight to work, examining his body for any knots or distinct tightness.

 

“Can I ask you something, Jackson?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“You know how some people call it a massage bed and some people call it a massage table, which do you call it?”

 

“I thought about that for a while, Saad. I know it’s cushioned like a bed but it’s still a very firm, flat surface and eventually I settled on table. I don’t suppose it really makes much difference but yeah, massage table is what I call it.”

 

“I like your pressure,” Saad said.

 

“Thanks, Saad. I find it easier massaging the male body because I always feel concerned by the pressure I put on the smaller, female body. I mean I can massage a woman easily enough but I’ve always got this thought in my mind, not to put too much pressure on a woman’s body,” Jackson replied.

 

“I know what you mean. Maybe you and I could practice on each other regularly,” Saad said.

 

“I’d love that. You’re really muscular and your big, which gives me more surface to work with to understand the differences we’ve been learning about. I also feel like I get a better appreciation of deep tissue massage,” Jackson replied.

 

“Well, as I told you on the phone, I have to go out and so we’ll probably only have enough time for you today but if we can make this a regular thing, I can’t wait to get some practice in on you. So far, most of the massages I’ve given have been on Rachel from the course,” he said.

 

“I’d have no problem with that, Saad. Anytime you want to practice, call me and I’ll come over.”

 

“Great,” Saad said.

 

“Speaking of Rachel, are you two an item?”

 

“No. Why would you think that?”

 

“I’ve just noticed you guys together a lot,” Jackson replied.

 

“Oh, well yeah but that’s because we were practice partners at the course like you were with Jessie but since then, away from the course, we occasionally still practice together.”

 

“You seem fairly tight in your lower back. I’ll put some work into that when I really get started,” Jackson said.

 

“I thought you’d already started because what you’re doing feels so amazing,” Saad replied.

 

“Well, I’m sort of massaging but I’m just feeling the muscles to get a sense of how loose or tight things are.”

 

“You’re so good at this, Jackson. I’m sort of worried I won’t be as good but maybe you can teach me what I need to learn?”

 

“Well, I guess that’s the point, right? I get to learn from your body and you get to learn from mine and we both get to point out what’s good or bad or right or wrong?”

 

“Yeah but the way your hands feel and the confidence you exude as you implement what you’ve learned, I don’t think anything you could do to my body would be bad or wrong,” Saad said.

 

The remark along with the tone of Saad’s voice sounded ambiguous and Jackson stopped suddenly, as he looked at the back of Saad’s head curiously.

 

Saad asked, “What’s up?”

 

“Nothing,” Jackson said and began moving his hands again.

 

“Man, I love your hands, Jackson. I wasn’t sure I’d be okay with this when I started the course but now that we’re getting closer to the end and now I’m here and your hands are on my body, I feel comfortable and like I’m doing the right thing.”

 

Looking at the back of Saad’s head again, he asked, “What do you mean?”

 

“Um, oh nothing. I just wasn’t sure when I started the course if massage would be right for me?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Massage seemed really intimate to me and I didn’t know how I’d react to letting a guy touch me like that. I guess I’ve gotten use to it though because now, with the strength you have and the way your hands take control of my body… I mean, I just hope I can make you feel the way this makes me feel.”

 

Jackson had been hard from the moment Saad stripped in front of him. The moment the hot, naked body was lying at his fingertips, though, even though he was being completely professional, he still had thoughts running through his mind of things he’d like to do to Saad.

 

At the same time, something about the things Saad had said seemed obscure. On the one hand he seemed to enjoy the massage and wanted him to continue but on the other hand, it sounded like originally Saad had a psychological aversion to being massaged by a man. Jackson thought that seemed odd but as he considered it, he wondered if Saad had been molested or abused?

 

As he really thought about it, though, that made little sense considering how free Saad was being naked in front of a man? Then there was what seemed like a sexual undercurrent to his words, as a man’s hands were moving over his naked body. None of what was happening or what was being said, made much sense to Jackson.

 

If Saad was straight and his words were really about massage, Jackson thought it probably made sense, even though he did not really understand. However, if Saad was willing to swing or was gay, it was easy to read into what he was saying and it made Jackson wonder if Saad wanted something more from him?

 

Jackson wondered if he was trying to make Saad gay in his mind so he could justify his attraction to him, simply because of his desire for something to happen? Subsequently, he let go of his thoughts and chose not to respond to what Saad had said.

 

“All right, I’m going to really start now, okay?”

 

“Sure,” Saad replied.

 

Jackson moved up and worked Saad’s neck and shoulders and soon Saad was moaning like he was in heaven. He then moved down each of his arms, paying a lot of attention to the biceps, triceps and the anterior and posterior muscles of his forearms, before moving onto his wrists, hands and fingers. He then put some serious effort into the big lateral muscles of his back, worked firmly down either side of his spine and finally gave the attention to Saad’s lower back, just as he said he would. By the time he reached the naked arse that had been catching his eye all along, Jackson decided he would get his answer about Saad, whether it was the answer he hoped for or not.

 

To start, he gave Saad’s arse a massage he doubted it had ever received. He worked the gluteus with strength and heat and pressure, concentrating on the deep tissues as well and every now and then, he let a stray finger tenderly caress along the walls of his crack. As suddenly as he had begun, though, he then moved down and worked his big legs and feet. Finally, he came back up to his arse and gave it additional attention.

 

This time, though, every minute he spent on the smooth, brown cheeks, was little more than caressing massage, as his thumbs continued to slide between his cheeks in a sensuous manner. Ambiguously, he then returned to Saad’s back and gave a similar, tender massage there as well.

 

When he stopped, he asked, “What did you think of the beginning?”

 

“The beginning? Holy shit, Jackson. I want you to massage me forever. I said I love your pressure but I also love your technique. Even so, what you did was incredible and you have no idea the effect that had on me,” Saad replied.

 

Not giving Saad enough time to even think, Jackson said while hoping he would see what he wanted to see, “Turn over.”

 

Following an extended and hesitant pause, Saad flipped over but kept his eyes closed and his face relaxed. Now flat on his back, Jackson stared and could not look away. Not only was Saad’s chest and body incredible but his cock was so hard in the air above his gut, it was pointing like a cannon at the join of the ceiling and wall on the opposite side of the room. Saad said nothing, made no apology and remained still and silent.

 

It seemed it could not be anymore obvious to Jackson. This was his first time with a naked guy since he was eleven with Ben. He just wanted to strip naked, dive on top of Saad and kiss him as their cocks crushed together. He also knew he wanted the man’s arms around him and he wanted that big cock in his mouth.

 

He felt like he had to do something for his own sake but his innocent uncertainty reminded him, he had also learned that some men got erections during a massage. Jackson knew he did not want to let this possibility pass and so he walked up, stood next to the man’s beautiful chest and then simply reached out with one hand and massaged the more distant, left, pectoral muscle.

 

This was not standard massage by any means but Saad made no movement at the odd action and so Jackson began caressing his thumb around Saad’s left nipple. If anything subtle was going to get a reaction, Jackson felt sure it would be this. Saad’s nipples were large, round and meaty with thick nubs and as Jackson thought he wanted to suck on them, Saad’s cannon began bouncing up and down.

 

An eternity of seconds seemed to pass but finally, still with closed eyes, Saad said, “Oh, Jackson, please.”

 

Jackson leaned down until their lips were only a couple of centimetres apart and as he flattened his palm over the big chest and began to slide it all over the beautiful torso, he whispered, “I want you, too.”

 

“Oh, at last,” Saad said softly.

 

Pushing his mouth to Saad’s immediately, the kiss was brief but hard and wet and then seconds later, Jackson went down on his second but biggest cock, so far, in his life. Almost filling the width of his mouth, he sucked Saad hungrily and amidst Jackson’s relief from years of nothing, he took the man from hard to completion in just a few minutes.

 

Saad came with a force Jackson did not know was even possible. The velocity it shot into his mouth was unexpected but not undesirable. As much as Jackson was enjoying his second experience, what he also really liked was the way Saad was calling out his name, as if he was saving Saad from an interminable fate. Once done, though, he pulled off his shirt, climbed on top of Saad and he kissed him and touched him and held him tightly.

 

He wanted to strip completely naked but uncertainty held him back. The idea of fucking for the first time was in his mind, however, he had the distinct impression that Saad had no real idea what he was doing. Things suddenly began to make sense to Jackson, as he realised Saad wanted him but had no idea how to approach him. Jackson could easily relate to that.

 

He had thought the way Saad stripped was beyond confident but now he thought Saad had been trying to let him know. Removing the towel was another sign; Saad probably thought revealing his arse said something. Jackson now believed he was with a virgin and as much as he wanted Saad to suck his cock like Ben had, he was not about to push the man where he might not want to go. Feeling the way Saad was holding him, touching him and kissing him, though, Jackson knew he was very happy to be feeling the real and naked closeness of a man.

 

Saad’s hands were moving all over him and as Saad pulled him tightly against his body and kissed him yet again, Jackson knew for certain that Saad loved those things as well, as he continued to kiss and touch him passionately. Finally, though, Saad broke the kiss and started talking.

 

“I’m sure you already know but this is my first time with anyone, let alone a man.”

 

“I sort of figured but don’t worry about it, Saad. We all have to start somewhere and with someone,” Jackson replied. He then asked, “Tell me something, is this why you said you thought massage was too intimate to let a man touch you like that?”

 

“Yeah, I was so worried that I’d get an erection if a man massaged me,” Saad explained.

 

“Well, you certainly got an erection but I’m glad I was the cause. More so, I’m glad I could reap the benefits,” Jackson replied and laughed.

 

“Me too, Jackson. I’ve been looking at you from the day we started the course. I wanted to meet you but I didn’t know how because of the reason I wanted to meet you.”

 

Jackson laughed and said, “Trust me, I can really understand that.”

 

“Even though we’d talked on numerous occasions as the course continued, when you came up to me the other day and asked to practice with me, I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited because you’re so good looking and I’m so attracted to you but even though I wasn’t sure, I had a feeling you and I might be the same.”

 

“Maybe in more ways than you understand,” Jackson said.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Jackson replied.

 

“Everything you just did to me made me know for sure. Now I can’t not admit it’s always been guys I look at. I guess I’ve been in denial. I tried to feel those feelings when Rachel or one of the girls massaged me but there was no comparison to what I just felt and thought with you,” Saad said.

 

“It was my pleasure and I hope it was yours as well.”

 

“There’s no question about that. Jackson, what you did was better than anything I’d ever imagined.”

 

“Maybe we can do it again?”

 

“Yeah, I’d like that but I’m not sure what I want to do or how far I’m willing to go?”

 

“I understand and that’s okay. It’s weird at first because it’s scary but it’s also exciting,” Jackson said.

 

“That’s how I feel, tentative yet desperate,” Saad replied.

 

“We all do in the beginning, I think.”

 

“I want to do things to you but as much as I want to be with you, I’m sort of freaking out that I know this is who I am.”

 

“No pressure but Saad, whether we go further or do nothing, how about we spend time together? Maybe we could be friends, even if we’re horny and gay?”

 

Saad frowned and Jackson asked, “What’s wrong?”

 

“I’m still coming to terms with the fact that word applies to me,” Saad explained.

 

“No pressure, remember? We can take it all as slow as you’d like and we don’t even have to use that word if you don’t want to. We can be Saad and Jackson, friends and practice partners and maybe later, if you want to, we can get naked again. All of it can be whatever you need it to be?”

 

“Well that I can definitely deal with, at least for now.”

 

“Cool,” Jackson said and smiled.

 

“Promise me you won’t tell anyone?”

 

“It’s between you and me,” Jackson replied.

 

“You know, you sort of intimidate me, Jackson.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“I’m nineteen and you’re only seventeen and yet you’re so much more confident than I am. I know age isn’t supposed to matter and it’s only two years that separates us but still, it feels kind of embarrassing to me. I keep thinking you’re looking at me and thinking I’m pathetic or something?”

 

“No way, Saad. When I look at you I think you’re incredibly handsome, I think you’ve got an awesome body and I also think you’re a super nice guy. I was intimidated by you at the course because you were older than me and I wanted to get to know you so badly. Now that we’re here and this has happened, I’m slowly feeling more relaxed with you.

 

“All guys are different and I’m not super confident; I’m just pushing myself through my apprehension and hoping I don’t do or say something stupid. That’s what I meant earlier when I said we were probably more alike than you knew. I’m not thinking badly of you, in any way, Saad. I really like you.”

 

“Thanks for making that clear to me, Jackson. I really like you, too.”

 

“Okay. Well, as I said, we’ll just take things slowly and that way we can both feel comfortable. We have to remember it’s about the other person as well. We have to learn to not get stuck in our own heads,” Jackson said.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t do anything to you,” Saad said.

 

“When and only if you’re ready but you did do a couple of things I really loved. If you wouldn’t mind holding me and kissing me like you were doing before, any chance you could do those things to me again?”

 

“Get that mouth down here, now,” Saad said.

 

The massage and practice ended there but after Jackson folded up his massage table, Saad admitted he had nowhere to go and he was just giving himself an out, just in case he got too scared or did not know what to do. He then took Jackson to his bedroom and they kissed and touched until finally some courage came Saad’s way.

 

Over the next hour Saad used his mouth, not only kissing Jackson on his lips but in other places as well. Eventually, Jackson got his wish of that long ago memory with Ben, when finally, Saad slowly but surely moved down his body and took him into his mouth.

 

Jackson really enjoyed being with Saad because even though it took Saad a while to relax, there was something easy and comfortable between them. Coincidently, even though the massage table had been folded up and the practice session had come to an end, in a way the entire time they spent together was a practice session nonetheless.

 

***

 

Over the next couple of months, Jackson and Saad saw each other a couple of times a week. They practiced a great deal on their craft but though Saad was very good at massage, Jackson seemed to have an almost natural affinity and just seemed to always know what was needed or required at any given moment. He seemed to understand the body, as if he could see inside of it.

 

It only took until their second practice session at Saad’s apartment, for Saad to escape the limiting confinement of his mind. On that second occasion, as they embraced naked and kissed with a desperateness akin to having been denied human contact for years, Saad practically dragged Jackson to his bedroom. After nearly an hour of what was mostly foreplay, Saad almost yelled at Jackson when he said, “Fuck me, Jackson, oh god, I need you to fuck me right now.”

 

As surprising as it was, with agreeable desire and following a little inexperienced fumbling, Jackson recalled gay, erotic and sexually graphic stories, which helped him to leave one of the biggest parts of his virginity behind, as he gave Saad what he wanted. They really did take things slowly because after each encounter containing something new, things concluded until the next time. Of course, every next time was better, as sexual confidence grew for both men.

 

Jackson loved being with Saad because somehow the monster in his mind had remained elsewhere and he felt comfortable and relaxed being naked and intimate with a man he was truly getting to know.

 

During not just their third encounter in the bedroom but also their forth, fifth and sixth, Jackson discovered the monster sneaking back into his mind. He did not pick up on the connection but it came with the idea of being penetrated. What was strange was though he was curious and wanted to know if it would be something he would enjoy or not, every time he let the thought enter his mind, he felt like he was having an anxiety attack.

 

He wanted the experience and though the anxiety had nothing to do with Saad’s impressive girth or Saad’s lack of experience with fucking a man, each time Jackson went to say something or bring up the idea, his chest tightened, his body tensed and his mind sort of went into a type of shutdown. At no point had Saad even brought up the subject; it was always only Jackson that was thinking about it. Irrespective, every time they were together sexually, Saad was unaware of what was happening with Jackson while everything else they were doing was simply wonderful.

 

They also became quite good friends and so a social life began between them, which brought new things to do and places to go. Their friendship was easy and beneficial to both, in more ways then one.

 

One day while they were out having coffee, Jessie bumped into them and they offered for her to join them. As a consequence of her friendship with Jackson, she became part of their picture and so, when Saad told Jackson it was okay to let her know about him, as long as she said nothing to anyone else, soon that side of their social circumstances changed as well.

 

Though Jackson’s and Saad’s attraction to each other was extreme and their friendship was eventually very close, it seemed neither of the men were feeling the growth of a deeper or closer connection and therefore, the desire to become boyfriends or partners appeared unlikely.

 

To be continued...