Chapter 4 
Changes.

 

When Jackson saw Brad the following day, he assured Brad he was fine and everything was okay. Though he did not discuss it with Brad, the only real issue Jackson had was whether the detached relationship with his father would ever be mended. Despite how things were, Frank was still his father and he wanted the bond. Like most young boys, Jackson wanted the acknowledgement and the validation of his dad, even though in his case it seemed unlikely.

 

Irrespective, Jackson really did believe he was okay following his talk with Brad the night before. Brad’s concern and sincerity and occasional physical displays of affection, created a foundation of trust that Jackson could believe in. The fact Jackson believed Brad was always going to be there for him, only made him feel more secure. Regardless of everything else he felt and thought about Brad, the man seemed more like a father than Frank, which made it so easy for Jackson to accept what Brad had said was true.

 

The thing that had completely turned Jackson’s head around was the clear, verbal confirmation that Brad cared about him and would never hurt him. Jackson could not get the words out of his mind; “I’ll always want you around because you mean the world to me.” Jackson knew those words had come from a true friend. He also believed from a realistic perspective, the words only meant what they meant. Even so, still the words coloured his imagination with wishes they could mean something more.

 

That one conversation on the night of the football game, managed to change Jackson deep down. He did not really believe he and Brad could ever be together, at least not like he so often fantasised and imagined, however, by the time he arrived at Brad’s place that morning, he really did believe he was okay, there was nothing wrong with him and that Brad would always be there if he needed him.

 

During that morning they worked-out together in the garage for just under two hours. As the sun passed through midday, they sat and talked in the backyard for another two hours and finally, they went inside and watched another game of football, as if the world had not changed in the slightest.

 

Despite his disturbing thoughts the night before, Brad had awoken that morning feeling perfectly fine as well. Jackson’s age may have made him an unusual friend but regardless, there was nothing unacceptable about their friendship and so Brad simply decided everything was fine. His conversation with Jackson later, eased his mind and he believed that Jackson was going to be fine as well. After their work-out and the enjoyable time talking in the backyard, the game only confirmed to him there was nothing to worry about at all.

 

Penny walked in and out of the room several times during the game. She had obviously taken note of what Brad had said and was clearly checking on the state of the boy. Eventually though, without Jackson seeing, Brad let her know all was good and she disappeared for the rest of the game. The following week was also like nothing had ever happened and so their individual lives and times, together or apart, returned to the way they had been before that revealing Friday night.

 

As time moved on, the occasional silent questions regarding the nature of the unusual friendship, still existed in the back of the minds of Penny, Frank and April. However, following what was now years, the thoughts were random at best. In some way it still remained odd that whether it was a boy of six and a young man of nineteen or a boy of ten and a man of twenty-four - the age discrepancy depending on whether it was before or after Brad’s birthday - the two still maintained an honest friendship. On some level it just seemed wrong, even though there was nothing wrong about it. The fact it was all so open and innocent, though, allowed any concerns to float by or to be pushed easily to the side.

 

Jackson’s life away from Brad was fine and consumed much more time than his few visits with Brad entailed. School was naturally a standard in his life and he did well enough scholastically, even though he was not a high achiever. He had a few mates at school and though together they existed within the average bracket and had no association with the cool kids, Jackson cared little and was okay with things as they were.

 

An understanding had come to Jackson that if he were going to survive school, he needed to be part of a group. His mates were okay and gave him a comfort zone, a place to gravitate toward on a daily basis. He did not want to be either at the top or the bottom of the ladder and so with the group he chose he was able to maintain a level of mediocrity, a pedestrian face in a see of faces that could pass by unconsidered.

 

Deep down Jackson just wanted the years to fly by as fast as possible. There was nothing in his life he hated as much as he hated going to school. For him, going there was a burden and leaving was a relief and any degree of break between classes, no matter how long the break, kept him sane throughout each day.

 

At home, though he had been the only kid on the street for a couple of years, eventually babies were born and other kids arrived. Unfortunately they were always younger and so he made no effort to connect with them. When he turned eleven in June, though, he received a bike for his birthday and he began riding around the neighbourhood, which brought an unexpected change to his life.

 

In October, one day while peddling around his local area, he met up with three boys riding bikes. Like four planets aligning, each came into the same location at a different time. Jackson saw a boy sitting unmoving on his bike at the side of the road and he stopped to see what he was doing. A large, Blue-tongue lizard, about forty-five centimetres or eighteen inches long was sunning itself on the hot concrete on top of the kerb.

 

After a few words they sat staring at the lizard and a few minutes later, another boy passing by on his bike joined the audience. Yet another boy stopped several minutes later and when the lizard finally decided it was no longer enjoying being the centre of attention, it scampered away. The eldest of the boys then suggested they ride together. Their agreement was immediate and they rode on and spent the entire afternoon together.

 

It was not about friendship, it was about companionship, as they shared their small journey and whatever they saw or found along the way. When their ride was over they went their separate ways, however, as they parted, once again the eldest spoke, saying, “We should do this again tomorrow” and they all agreed. The next day at the same time, they met up at a specific corner and so began an almost daily ritual, regardless of the fact that on some days their numbers varied. They were complete strangers but that seemed of little consequence and so a group of riding buddies was formed.

 

They took long rides, discovered new places and found what they referred to as their secret hideout. Jackson’s time spent with those boys gave him a sense that when he was not with Brad or his mum, he did not feel so alone in the world. The boys were nice enough and they got on well enough and so it just seemed to Jackson like a perfect situation.

 

In November at the end of spring that same year, Jackson went for a ride in the hope he might meet up with the boys. School was over and with the changing nature of that time of year, the routine rides were not as consistent. He therefore went straight to the hideout, hoping his mates would be there and they could spend the afternoon together. What happened on that day, though, changed him to his core.

 

The three boys Jackson rode with were random boys from around the area. They did not become close friends, they simply continued to be boys with bikes whose desire to ride and do stuff, suited each other.

 

Colin, a skinny blonde who was smaller than Jackson, always wore ragged clothes, as if he were from a very poor family. At eleven he was the same age as Jackson but younger by a couple of months. Blake, who was thirteen, had very dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. He was kindly spoken and always smiling and Jackson thought he was a really friendly and very nice boy.

 

It was Ben, though, the oldest at fifteen, who really caught Jackson’s attention. Ben was only slightly taller than the rest of them but he was a beefy kind of boy, a bit like a wrestler. Ben was also very good looking with deep, blue eyes and black hair. Jackson also noticed that Ben always had a noticeable bulge at his crotch. The sight of the bulge intrigued Jackson, causing him to often positioned himself so he could look at it secretly, whenever they were standing around and not riding.

 

The so-called hideout was an old, unused treehouse on an undeveloped piece of land. Situated between two suburbs, the land had never been touched and was completely covered with native flora. It was a relatively long, thin stretch of land that ran for several kilometres. On the side where the boys lived, the land ran along the sides of random roads and in some places the backs of houses, where suburban development had simply stopped. On the other side it bordered a main road, which passed between the land and an industrial area.

 

For some of the residents the land was an eyesore but to others it was a rare reminder of part of an ancient, coastal area, which existed since well before white settlement or before suburbia steeled its grip. Though it was a far cry in size and density from Australia’s inland bushland, still the pure and untainted, indigenous plant life of the land, received the name from local kids, ‘The Bush.’ Few people other than curious kids seemed to go there and so it seemed like a great place where a group of boys could do and say anything without being limited by adults.

 

When Jackson arrived at the bush, he dismounted and wheeled his bike through the thick scrub and around and passed the many obstructions, such as fallen tree branches. There was a boulder that seemed like it should have been on Mars and was completely out of place. There was dumped rubbish that made the area unpalatable and there was also an old car that had been burnt out, smashed and destroyed.

 

There were very few discernible tracks or paths and so the journey to the treehouse required attention, particularly with the venomous Red-bellied Black snakes and Eastern Brown snakes, which slithered unexpectedly through the untouched grass. When he reach the tree, though, only one bike was at the base and he knew it belonged to Ben.

 

Climbing up the wooden slats nailed directly into the tree trunk, he crawled onto a large branch and across to the opening of the old wooden structure that looked unstable at best. Jackson moved slowly and quietly to the entrance, hoping to steel a look at Ben before he saw him.

 

To Jackson’s absolute shock, though, he saw the bigger boy completely naked, his head on the floor and his arse in the air, his legs flung over his body with his toes touching the ground. Ben was stroking his erection, his mouth open and waiting to receive what his stiff cock had to offer.

 

Frozen to the spot in shock, at the same time, Jackson’s heartbeat increased at least five times faster and his own erection grew at the speed of sound. Of all the boys Jackson was friendly with, whether at school or around home, Ben was the one he found most attractive and who on occasion had drifted into his fantasies at night.

 

More than anything at that moment, Jackson wanted to climb into the treehouse, take off all his clothes and join in the activities with the handsome boy. Even so, he was terrified of Ben discovering he was watching and so, he was suddenly afraid to move, fearing it would bring attention to his presence.

 

In those relatively silent moments, Jackson wanted to speak but his fear told him he should be quiet. He was filled with a need to gaze at the nakedness of the masculine boy and he desperately wanted to see Ben’s cock ejaculate into his mouth. It felt difficult to breathe and yet he felt like his chest was full of oxygen. He wanted to climb down and ride away to be safe but he wanted to stay in danger just as much. Terrified of being caught yet wanting to be caught, not knowing what to do as a consequence, he stayed still and silent and stared, as he squeezed the bulge in his shorts.

 

Suddenly Ben groaned and a moment later, small ribbons of semen were shooting into his mouth. Four shots later he swallowed the entire load and said, “Hell yeah,” before he threw his legs back over his body and onto the creaking floor. Instantly he turned his head but though he was shocked by Jackson’s presence, surprisingly, as he looked at the expression on Jackson’s face, he immediately grinned broadly and said, “You liked that, did you?”

 

Jackson nodded so quickly and with such excitement, Ben knew the type of boy that had been watching him. The blood beneath Jackson’s skin was coursing through his entire face, flushing it with adolescent, sexual desire. Ben knew immediately that an opportunity had walked into his world.

 

There was not a single part of Ben’s naked body Jackson did not want to look at. He thought Ben’s thick, smooth and muscled body was beautiful. His skin looked so soft, his lips looked so inviting and his eyes, which were drilling into him, seemed to sparkle. For a virgin boy like Jackson, though, Ben sort of became temporarily invisible, as Jackson struggled to drag his eyes away from Ben’s cock, which strangely was still completely hard and upright, even after coming.

 

Jackson’s entire body was shaking, his cock was hard and throbbing in his shorts and he wanted to know and do everything that Ben could possibly share with him. He still felt afraid but because Ben did not seem to be angry, his uncertainty felt less intense.

 

Ben asked, “The other’s aren’t with you, are they?”

 

“No, I don’t even know where they are,” Jackson replied.

 

“Well then, get in here and strip,” Ben ordered and Jackson lunged into the treehouse like it contained all the secrets of the universe.

 

That day, Jackson stripped naked with Ben, he kissed his first boy and he sucked his first cock. Ben did not ejaculate again but Jackson was still treated with tangy juices flowing onto his tongue. Time seemed to move slowly for Jackson, as if every moment were drawn out as long as time would allow. He could not stop touching the naked boy all over, he could not stop kissing the naked body and he felt absolutely no hesitation to touch, kiss and lick Ben’s special bits, when their access was given so freely.

 

He thought he was in heaven when he and Ben embraced completely, rubbed their stiff cocks together and kissed the way he longed that Brad and he could kiss. When Ben took Jackson’s cock into his mouth, though, Jackson thought his head was going to explode when he came in Ben’s mouth and Ben swallowed his load as well.

 

It was an hour of the purest delight for Jackson but when the bigger boy unexpectedly told him he wanted to fuck him, Jackson pushed away and said no. As if Jackson had just committed a crime, Ben’s mood changed instantly and he got pissed off with him. When he started getting dressed and told Jackson he was going home, Jackson asked if they could still do the other stuff on other days? Initially Ben shrugged, as he looked at Jackson like he was really irritated.

 

Finally with a huff, Ben said, “Jackson, what we did was great and I loved it but why would I bother with a scared, little boy like you? I met a man behind the toilets at the beach who asked me if I liked boys or girls. I wasn’t scared like you and I told him I liked boys and he told me he thought I was really hot. He told me he’d let me fuck him if I let him suck my cock. I only said no because he was over thirty.

 

“Maybe we could’ve done this more like you want to but Jackson, I’m not scared like you. You’re really good looking, you’re nice and I like you but if you won’t let me fuck you then I guess I’ll just have to do those things with that man instead,” he said, pausing and staring hard at Jackson, hoping his manipulative words would change Jackson’s mind.

 

Sitting in the opening of the treehouse minutes later, Jackson watched the hot boy walk to the road and then ride away into the distance. He then sat there amazed and yet almost disbelieving, at what had occurred in his life. He felt so good even if he was disappointed they were not going to do it again.

 

The thing that stopped Jackson from going further was nothing other than the fear of the penetration. Ben’s cock had looked so big and the thought of it being forced inside of him had scared the hell out of him. In his mind in that moment, the concept had evoked thoughts of pain and visual images of blood and torn flesh. No had seemed like the only possible answer he could give to Ben and so that had been the answer he gave. Still, with no doubt in his mind, Jackson knew he was finally certain of exactly who he was and who he was meant to be.

 

Following that day in the treehouse in November, everyday right through Christmas and the New Year and even as he began his next year of school, Jackson felt a degree of disappointment because Ben stopped riding with them and did not return to the treehouse either.

 

The boys did not really know each other and none of them went to Jackson’s school. Jackson still saw Colin and Blake and also went riding with them but though he questioned them about where Ben was and why he had not seen him, both boys told Jackson they had not seen him either and had no idea why he was not meeting up with them anymore.

 

For what seemed like a very long time following that day, in a way Jackson felt guilty. He wanted so much to see Ben again and the memories of what had taken place between them was like a re-run of a movie, which he re-played in his mind over and again. The fact that Ben was gone, though, made Jackson feel like it was all his fault and if he had not been so scared, he and Ben would still be seeing each other and maybe could even have been boyfriends.

 

As time moved on, though, even though the other boys still occasionally saw each other, for no particular reason or cause, their times together became less and less and they drifted apart. It was as if whatever purpose they held in each others lives was no longer required. An entire year passed them by and whenever Jackson met up with Colin or Blake, it was generally in passing.

 

By the time June arrived and Jackson turned twelve, he had begun to change. Generally he began to grow in confidence and he found it easier to express himself and his feelings openly. There was nothing deep or shocking about it because he never revealed anything of great concern; it was just a greater ease about him that manifested and made everyone around him feel more comfortable in his presence. He just seemed to be getting older and life just seemed to be moving on.

 

***

 

It was January, fourteen months after Jackson had been with Ben and five months before he turned thirteen, a story broke on the national news across the country. The main headline revealed that the body of a teenage boy had been discovered on a piece of undeveloped bushland, close to the coast of the southeastern suburbs of Sydney. Over the following months, more developments in the story were revealed that the boy, whose name was being withheld, was fifteen, had been sexually penetrated during a violent rape, before being strangled and suffocated. His body was then dumped in tall grass and scrub, only a few metres from where the attack had occurred.

 

One day later, Jackson ran into Blake while he was out for a ride and Blake asked him if he had heard about Ben. Not aware of the news because Jackson never watched it, he was excited to hear Ben’s name after well over a year and he asked Blake how Ben was?

 

Blake asked, “Don’t you know?”

 

Jackson replied, “Know what?”

 

“Ben’s been missing for a year and that’s why we hadn’t seen him. Anyway, yesterday on the news they reported that a boy was found dead. Only a few people around here know but Ben was found dead behind our hideout,” Blake revealed.

 

The blood drained out of Jackson’s face and he whispered, “What?”

 

“This morning I was talking to a guy who lives next-door to me. He’s also a friend of Ben’s older brother and he told me the cops did a DNA test on Ben and they already know who raped and killed him.”

 

In shock, Jackson said, “Raped and killed?”

 

“Yeah. They’re searching for the man now,” Blake said.

 

“A man?”

 

“Yeah. Are you okay, Jackson? You look like you’re gonna puke.”

 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he said, trying to put on a brave face.

 

“Anyway, I’m really sorry but I can’t stay and talk because I’ve got errands to run for my mum. I have to go or I’ll be in deep shit. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

 

“Yeah, sure, bye Blake,” Jackson said.

 

As he watched Blake riding away, Jackson got off his bike and sat on the kerb. He was in a daze and feeling emotions swirling around inside. They were new and different emotions and he did not know how to interpret them. He felt so incredibly sad for Ben and he wanted to cry. Somehow he could not grasp that Ben was dead and he would never see him again. What was strange was he did not understand why he felt so angry. All he knew was he wanted to smash something into pieces.

 

When he finally got back on his bike, Jackson decided not to go to the hideout. It seemed too scary when his imagination pictured Ben dead behind the treehouse. He rode home immediately and went to his room. He turned on the television and switched to the news channel, waiting and hoping to hear that the boy was not Ben.

 

Twenty minutes later they gave an update; a man had been arrested based on DNA evidence and taken into custody for the alleged rape and murder of a fifteen-year-old boy. Even though Jackson still only had Blake’s word to go on, he believed it was true. He broke down immediately and April came rushing into his room, wondering what on earth was wrong.

 

Holding her twelve-year-old, sobbing son, warmly in her arms and rocking him back and forth, she asked, “Jackson, Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

 

Lifting his arm and pointing at the television, Jackson whimpered, “His name is Ben and he was my...”

 

“He was what, Jackson?”

 

Jackson wanted to say boyfriend because ever since the day in the treehouse, the memories of embracing and kissing naked, had made him wish Ben would come back so they could be together. As he looked up at his mother’s face, though, he hesitated and then said, “Ben was my friend. He used to ride his bike with me and Blake and Colin.”

 

“Jackson, they haven’t even released the boys identity. How could you possibly know it’s who you think it is?”

 

“I just bumped into Blake on my bike. I didn’t even know about any of this but Blake knew all about it. He told me Ben had been missing and then told me he knew Ben’s older brother’s friend. He said not many people know but Ben was raped and murdered. They just said they caught the man. Mum, why did the man hurt Ben?”

 

“Oh, Jackson, there are some bad people in this world. That’s why I’m so protective of you. There’s no good reason why he did something like that.”

 

“It could’ve been me, Mum.”

 

“Oh Jackson, it wasn’t you and thank goodness for that,” she said and squeezed him tightly.

 

“I’m so sad and I didn’t even know Ben that well. We all just rode our bikes together. I feel queazy in my stomach and it’s hard to breathe, Mum.”

 

“Come on, I want you to lie down and I’m going to give you something to make you feel better. I want you to try and fall asleep if you can. I promise you’ll feel a lot better when you wake up.”

 

“Okay,” Jackson said.

 

Standing up, April went to get the medication she would never give her son at any other time. She knew he was experiencing severe anxiety from the unexpected trauma of the loss of his friend. When she returned, the moment he swallowed the pill she had cut in half and he handed back the glass of water, she pulled the quilt over him, drew the curtains closed and then sat on the bed running her fingers through his hair until he fell asleep, emotionally exhausted.

 

He did feel much better when he woke up but he felt very sad for the next couple of weeks that followed. Over time, Ben often popped into his mind, as well as thoughts of the older man who had killed him. Jackson did not know the man or what he looked like but in his mind he pictured a big, ugly and scary, adult male. When he awoke, though, he decided with certainty from that moment forward, he could never mention Ben again because questions might be asked and he might accidentally say something like he almost had to his mum. A new secret was born and he locked it up tight.

 

***

 

The older Jackson became, naturally the more mature and aware he was becoming. As he continued passing through his adolescence, he began asking Brad more adult questions, generally about anything and everything, except for sex.

 

In the following spring, three months after Jackson had turned thirteen, Jackson asked Brad lots of questions about love and falling in love. He wanted to know about Brad falling in love with Penny. He wanted to know how Brad specifically knew he had fallen in love. He asked him what it felt like to really be in love, however, not giving Brad time to answer his questions, simply because he barely took a breath and the questions passed one after the other like carriages of a moving train, finally, requiring very specific knowledge, he asked, “Brad, when Penny touched you before you loved her, did it feel different to when she touched you after you loved her?”

 

Digging up turf while creating a tomato garden in the corner, they were sitting alone at the top of the backyard when Brad suddenly stopped what he was doing and turned and looked at Jackson with a smile.

 

“What’s all this about, Jackson? Have you met someone and you’re wondering if you’ve fallen in love?”

 

“No, I’ve just been thinking about this stuff and because I can talk to you about everything, I decided I’d ask you,” he replied.

 

“Okay, well that was quite a group of questions, Jackson. Though I can give my perspective where my feelings about Penny are concerned, understand that I’m only giving my opinion. Other people might have different answers or opinions about love because we’re talking about feelings and feelings can be subjective and difficult to clarify.”

 

“I’m not interested in other people’s opinions, just yours. If I wanted someone else’s opinion, I’d ask someone else,” Jackson said.

 

The response came across abruptly but Brad knew it was not meant to be abrupt, it was meant to be honest. Dropping backwards onto his butt, Brad was now facing Jackson directly and he looked into the young man’s eyes. They were intense and studious and the overall expression of Jackson’s face was deeply serious.

 

“Well, Jackson...”

 

“Why don’t you call me Little Man anymore?”

 

Surprised not only by the interruption but by the question itself, Brad looked at Jackson curiously. He had thought he was doing the right thing but he had no idea the choice to stop calling him Little Man, would be of concern. He could not have guessed it would effect Jackson in a manner that would lead to a question filled with a tone of disappointment.

 

“Well because you had your first major growth spurt when you were eleven and you’re not a little boy anymore. Speaking of which, by the way, I think you’re only a few years from the time you can begin to start pumping up your body. I can’t believe how much you’ve shot up and filled out since last year. By comparison, you’ve got some serious meat on your thirteen-year-old bones, my friend.

 

“Anyway, you’re a lot taller and you’re also bigger than you were. I called you that name because of your size but it doesn’t apply anymore. You’re a teenager and becoming a young man and I didn’t want you to feel like I thought you were still a little kid. I was trying to show you the respect I think you deserve.”

 

Jackson looked down at the grass thoughtfully and a satisfied smile grew on his face. He then looked back up into Brad’s eyes and said, “Thanks, Brad. That means so much to me. I guess I just didn’t understand because I always liked it when you called me Little Man. I didn’t even really consider the meaning, other than I was small and you were big. I just considered it a special name from you to me. When you suddenly stopped, I wondered if something was wrong or if something had changed? I understand now, though.”

 

Brad stared at Jackson momentarily and he felt proud. Everything he said and everything he thought or did, always managed to be of consequence to Jackson. Whether he was six, ten or now at thirteen, the young man always placed so much stock in his opinions.

 

“You know, Jackson, I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know everything. I’m just a man with limitations like every other man.”

 

“Yeah, I know but the way you think and the things you feel, as well as what you have to say, makes sense to me. From the day I met you, you always made sure I understood what you were trying to tell me and the things you were trying to teach me. It’s why your opinions matter so much to me,” Jackson replied.

 

“Okay,” Brad said, a proud grin painting his face in the process before he continued, “Well, first up there are lots of different types of love because it comes in all shapes and forms. It starts with our mothers and spreads out from there. We love our dads, as well as our siblings if we’ve got them and then later, we have our friends and even our pets.

 

“I’m sure you already understand all of that but Jackson, as we start to get older - and it happens at different times for different people - eventually someone walks into our world and for no reason any of us can explain, that person whether younger, older or the same age, feels different to everyone else we’ve known. It seems like there’s just no explanation for it and yet, our hearts and minds paint that person as solid gold and we want to take them home and keep them in a safe just for us.”

 

Relating so completely to what Brad said, Jackson asked, “Was there someone that important for you when you were younger?”

 

Brad smiled, looked distantly into the air, blinked and said measuredly, “Yes, there was but I’m not willing to discuss that with you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because it’s private and very personal,” Brad said with a genuine tone.

 

Jackson was incredibly curious and also quite disappointed but he nodded agreeably and said, “Okay.”

 

“There are times, Jackson, it’s just infatuation and not really love at all. The person might seem like an angel or a hero or something about them might seem so intriguing, nothing they say or do could ever seem bad or wrong. Subsequently, we just want to hold them and kiss them and have sex with them; well, depending on how old we are, of course.

 

“If it is love, though, which can feel exactly the same as infatuation at the start, the feeling continues to grow, no matter how slow or how fast. Love for someone special is overwhelming and can literally derail our personal train from its track. We can be traveling along solidly with a very specific destination in mind and then out of the blue, with no warning, someone that was once a stranger becomes more important than anyone or anything in our lives.

 

“It’s an upheaval of sorts but if we’re lucky and if it’s right, both people and both paths, somehow incredibly merge into a single whole, becoming two lives that work seamlessly as one.”

 

Jackson asked, “Is that what you have with Penny?”

 

“I think so, Jackson,” he replied, only to unexpectedly see the pout he had not seen for a couple of years, as he watched Jackson look down at the grass disappointedly.

 

“Right,” Jackson said softly.

 

In that moment, Brad became even more aware of how important he was to Jackson. The obvious disappointment in Jackson’s eyes seemed to suggest he was jealous of the relationship between he and Penny. If it was not just about a boy who wanted a friend all to himself, then it seemed to suggest even more so, Jackson was gay and therefore in love with him, which confirmed his suspicions about Jackson for so many years.

 

Subsequently, Brad considered that if Jackson was in love with him, was that where all of these questions were coming from? Therefore, did the final question mean that Jackson felt differently when he touched Jackson now, to how Jackson felt when he touched him previously?

 

Purposely ignoring what felt so obvious, Brad continued; “You asked how I knew? It’s a good question, Jackson. How do we know if real, true love, has bowled us over and is taking us on the ride of our lives? It’s not a question that can be answered in a completely rational way because as I said before, it’s about feelings and feelings aren’t rational, Jackson.

 

“I guess I believe it did for me because Penny and I have been together for nine and a half years and things are still good. I think that means we love each other and so what we felt in the beginning must have been right.

 

“I mean the passion, the attraction, the need and the feelings, they were intense and so real, I can’t deny they made me believe I was in love. Of course I can’t speak for another person so I can’t speak for Penny but she told me she felt the same and so nine years seems like a pretty good indication. Even so, there are moments in life when we question the validity or the truth of what we feel.

 

“I think maybe there’s one other thing that needs to be taken into account, Jackson. Some people let their emotions rule their lives and their choices. On the other hand, other people are ruled by their thoughts. I think people that are ruled by the mind are more likely to expect the realistic and the rational and aren’t waiting for fireworks or rainbows or breathtaking experiences. The people ruled by the heart, though, are often waiting for exactly those things; a kind of proof in what they believe, as well as a kind of measure of what kind of relationship they’re apart of.”

 

Jackson asked, “Are they both true?”

 

“I don’t know, I mean I said it so I think so, maybe, Jackson.”

 

“What kind of person are you, Brad?”

 

“When I was a boy I dreamt from my heart but as I got older, I guess I started thinking with my head.”

 

“So did you hope for fireworks and rainbows?”

 

“You know, Jackson, I don’t know why I let you take me down these paths. Only you can get me to go to these places inside. When you started these conversations, I used to be able to deal with them easily because you were younger. These days, though, your questions aren’t as simple anymore.”

 

Brad sighed and then said, “Listen, yes I was a dreamer and yes I wanted fireworks and yes I wanted the earth to move during sex but that didn’t happen.”

 

Pausing, he looked thoughtfully up at the sky and thought, “Well, maybe it happened but if it did, it was just that one time with Michael.”

 

Slowly his eyes returned to Jackson’s eyes and he said, “I was disappointed it didn’t happen, at least for a while but I made a decision it’s about growing up and becoming an adult. I can’t say for certain there’s no truth in those things or that they can’t happen, so if you believe in those things, then keep believing and maybe what you want will still shine on you.”

 

“I do believe in something like that, Brad.”

 

“Well, Jackson, with all my heart I hope you get what you’re looking for. Anyway, I think I’ve answered all but your last question, which was a question I’ve never heard anyone ask before. I’m not saying what you suggested isn’t possible but no, there was no change in what I felt when Penny touched me, before and after we fell in love.”

 

“Oh,” Jackson said.

 

“Why did you ask that question, Jackson?”

 

“No reason, I was just curious and I thought it might be something,” Jackson replied.

 

Dubiously, Brad said, “Okay.”

 

“Can I ask you one last question?”

 

Joking, Brad asked, “The last question for now or the last question for the rest of your life?”

 

Jackson rolled his eyes and said, “Don’t be a dick.” Thoughtfully he then asked, “So, when you were younger and you believed in love in a different way, what exactly were you expecting?”

 

“Jesus Christ, Jackson,” he said and huffed as he shook his head, “I think I should make it a rule that when you come over, you have to wear duck tape on your mouth until you leave.”

 

“Come on, Brad, it’s just me, tell me what you were like when you were my age.”

 

“I certainly didn’t dig around in peoples heads,” Brad replied.

 

“Come on, it’s my last question,” he said but then purposely changing his tone to that of a little boy pleading, by stretching the word out for seconds longer than necessary, believing it would get to Brad and make him answer, Jackson begged, “Please.”

 

Grinning, Brad said, “Okay. What did I think? Well, I believed that when that special someone came into my life, at some point my chest would feel like it was filling up to bursting. It would be filling up with love to let me know that the person in front of me was the one who would be with me for the rest of my life.

 

“I also thought that the true test would be found in a kiss. I believed that when that kiss happened, there would be no doubt in my mind or my heart that I was in love, that it was true love and that we’d ride off into the sunset, so to speak. In essence, I believed we’d share the rest of our lives together,” Brad explained honestly and then grinned with a forgotten innocence, as his gaze drifted away for a moment.

 

“Did Penny’s kiss tell you that you had what you were waiting for?”

 

The abrupt change in Brad’s eyes was impossible to go unnoticed, as his eyes flicked to Jackson’s eyes so suddenly. Brad looked like he had just been told something completely shocking. Jackson felt certain no would be the answer to his question about kissing Penny.

 

Almost as quickly as it changed initially, Brad’s expression changed again, leading Jackson to think Brad was going to bullshit him or joke with him.

 

“If I remember correctly, Jackson, your previous question was your last. I need a garden fork, I’ll be back in a minute,” he said, then grinned smugly at Jackson and stood up and walked away.

 

Jackson smiled, fell backwards onto the grass and as he looked up into blue sky and studied the shapes of the fluffy white clouds, idealistically he thought, “Maybe there might be a chance, after all.”

 

***

 

Late October, four months after Jackson had turned fourteen and Brad was twenty-seven, on one particular Saturday when April and Frank had gone out and Penny was working on a swimsuit shoot, Brad suggested to Jackson they go to the beach. Though they had never been to the beach together before, it was quite hot and so a few minutes after Jackson returned from getting changed, they were in Brad’s car and a new experience together began.

 

Brad was a summer person, he was a consistent beach goer and in the warmer weather he always had a rich, golden brown tan. Penny, though, had fair skin and because she was always concerned about the Australian sun due to the damaged Ozone, she used fake tans when required. Therefore, Brad either went to the beach alone or had to find a friend that was interested and available.

 

There was no question on this occasion because Brad knew Jackson would be willing to accompany him anywhere. He therefore knew the answer would be a resounding yes, which was exactly the answer he received.

 

Jackson had of course been to the beach but only on the rare occasions his parents had taken him. Like most coastal Australian kids, he loved it and took to the experience like fish to water. The problem had been that they rarely went to the beach and so Jackson had been limited by his parents willingness. He wanted to go to the beach all the time but though he asked constantly, more often than not the answer was, “Not today, Jackson.” It was made worse because April was a little too protective of her only child and therefore she would never allow him to go on his own.

 

Expecting they would go to one of the many surf beaches available, which was also the only type of beach Jackson had visited, he was more than surprised when Brad took him to a small beach with no surf at all. He thought surf beaches were where the cool people went and that beaches of this type would be for old ladies, old men and little children.

 

Though he was going to say something, Jackson decided it was of no consequence. All that mattered was he was with Brad and they were together. As they crossed the beach, he walked beside Brad with such pride and he was very aware of people checking Brad out. In that moment, Jackson knew it was not just him that thought Brad was a hot hunk. Subsequently, a little thought ran through his mind that the people who were looking at Brad, must have been jealous that a young man like him was able to be with such an incredible man. Yet again, he secretly glanced across at Brad and thought that no other man held a candle to him.

 

When Brad came to a halt, Jackson looked around and realised they were well separated from everyone else. At first he wondered if he embarrassed Brad but then he thought Brad would never have asked him to go if that were the case. Realising he was thinking like a kid and being insecure, he admonished himself and told himself to grow up and stop being an idiot.

 

Watching Brad spread out his towel on the sand, Jackson copied him, also making sure his towel was close to Brad’s. Then the big man turned and stared at the deep blue water and as he did, he pulled his shirt over his head and threw it behind him onto his towel.

 

Jackson mimicked his actions. Then, though, Jackson’s stomach began to swirl nervously, as he watched Brad unhitch his shorts, remove them from his long, muscular legs and throw them behind him as well. Instantly for Jackson, there was no other place more important to look on planet earth, then the thick, curved bulge, so firmly held in place beneath the dark green with the multiple, gold platypus designs, of a brand new Speedo.

 

For a moment Jackson looked at Brad’s arse in the Speedo as well. The size, shape and curves were awesome but he could not maintain his gaze on that alternative, as his eyes were called back to the impressive bulge, which was right beside him and seemed to have no other purpose than to hold his attention.

 

Turning to look at the young man beside him, Brad was instantly aware of where Jackson’s gaze was fixed. For a couple of seconds Brad felt male insecurity, which in his particular case was absurd. For the next five seconds he felt guilty and uneasy but finally, for the next thirty seconds, Brad felt the influence of his ego and a slight thickening of his cock. From that moment onward, he knew he kind of liked that Jackson was going to be admiring him on the beach.

 

Ever since the day in the garden, Brad had sort of taken it for granted that Jackson was gay and was at least attracted to him, if not in love with him. Apart from anything, though, he did not want to make Jackson feel like it was a problem to be gay and so he consciously chose to not react or to make Jackson uncomfortable.

 

Realising he was staring, Jackson lifted his eyes, only to see Brad turning away. He wondered if Brad had seen him looking at his cock but though Jackson felt uncomfortable from the thought, his embarrassment was instantly forgotten when Brad turned back, looked at him and said, “This is pretty nice, don’t you think?”

 

“It’s great,” Jackson replied with a huge smile and turned and looked at the water.

 

“It’ll be even better if the water’s not too cold. I love cooling off and feeling how refreshing it is but I’m not a fan of really cold water,” Brad said.

 

Jackson removed his shorts and threw them onto his towel and as he looked down at his Speedo, he wished it were as new and shiny and tight as Brad’s was. He turned and looked at Brad’s tanned and muscled body. It was the first time he had ever seen Brad nearly naked. He hoped that one day he actually would see him naked, however, at that moment he could not have been happier. Looking at Brad made him happy, even if his attraction to Brad in that moment was so intense, he felt like his body was shaking on the inside.

 

“I’m not a fan of really cold water either,” Jackson replied naturally, even though he was using the response to try to stop all his random thoughts about Brad, Brad’s cock and Brad’s awesome body.

 

“So, you ready to run and dive and find out what’s in store?”

 

“Let’s do it, Brad,” Jackson replied and then they took off together laughing and running down the sand, before sprinting into the water and diving.

 

“It’s awesome,” Brad said, when they both shot through the surface like flying fish and looked at each other with huge smiles on their faces.

 

Later, as they lay beside each other on their towels completely wet and drying beneath the hot sun, the moment Brad closed his eyes, Jackson could not help but gaze with a complete lack of control, at every part of the naked, tanned skin, which wrapped so tightly around the muscles and body, from the top of Brad’s forehead all the way down to his feet. He also spent so much time staring at the bulge of Brad’s cock, as well as what he was certain were big balls too, all of which were defined beautifully by the Speedo.

 

They stayed at the beach for several hours, they went into the water multiple times and apart from a period when Brad seemed like he had fallen asleep, for the rest of the time they just talked in that same way they so often did. They were generally serious but always at some point, one of them took a friendly dig at the other, which inevitably led to laughter and then seriousness again.

 

Once, though, as Jackson came out of the water while Brad had remained on his towel, the older man could not help but take particular notice of Jackson, as he was striding up the beach. The younger man’s body was so far removed from what it had once been. In fact, when Brad looked at the current cut and shape of Jackson’s body, which had become defined in the musculature and solidness of a growing teenager, he actually was shocked by the marked changes that were right in front of his eyes. As he continued to stare he thought, “Jackson’s really beginning to grow up.”

 

On one of the occasions when they were walking out of the water, Brad turned and walked along the water’s edge. Jackson naturally turned with him and stuck to his side like glue. As they talked and walked, Jackson thought he had never felt more comfortable then he did on that day. There was a sense of silence and solitude between them, even though they were talking and there were people all around them. It just felt intimate.

 

As a consequence and while feeling an odd sense of bravery overcoming him, Jackson turned and looked up at Brad’s handsome face. Noticing, Brad turned and looked down with a smile, before Jackson said, “Being with you here like this and the fact that you even wanted to bring me along with you, it means so much to me, Brad. I love the times we spend together and I wish I knew how to put into words how important you are to me?”

 

Though nothing specifically changed while he was looking up into Brad’s eyes, Jackson felt certain their caramel appearance brightened. Brad lifted his arm behind Jackson and he gently placed his hand on the back of Jackson’s neck, holding it warmly. As they continued to stare into each other’s eyes, Brad said, “I think you just told me exactly what you wanted to, with the words you just used, Jackson.”

 

For a split second Jackson wondered if Brad knew how much he loved him but then he felt like goosebumps were spreading down his back, from the warm and tender touch of Brad’s hand on his neck. He did not know what to say or what to do and so he smiled in reply.

 

Brad smiled back at him and then a moment later, he slid his hand away from his neck, allowing his fingers to graze halfway down the smooth, tight skin of Jackson’s youthful back. Before Brad drew his hand completely away and allowed it to return to his side, a silent thought ran through his mind. It was a thought that acknowledged how much he loved the sensuous feeling of touching Jackson’s skin. Forcibly pushing that thought out of his mind, though, he turned and looked ahead and as they walked a little farther, Brad said something that was not only true but also, it was something that touched the love in Jackson’s heart.

 

“For me, being here with you, is equally as important to me as it is to you. I know I’m a lot older but that doesn’t matter to me and this friendship we have, surpasses any longterm friendship I’ve ever had in my life to this point. Jackson, there’s no question for me about being with you, here or anywhere. I really need you to not just know but to believe, I enjoy every moment we spend together.”

 

Smiling, Brad turned casually away and jogged back into the water. He dived beneath and then rose to the surface, before swimming out into deeper water. Jackson, whose head was still turned and staring, watched Brad while choosing not to follow. He simply gazed at the athletic physique with desire and amazement and he felt the effect of his love for the man, which only seemed to be growing stronger.

 

The genuine sincerity of Brad’s words overwhelmed Jackson and he knew without doubt what Brad said to him was true. Facing the water directly, Jackson watched Brad’s strong freestyle strokes like a fan watching his idol from a distance. For the entire time, Jackson waited for the man he adored to return to his side once again.

 

***

 

On Sunday morning the next day, Jackson awoke early and got out of bed. It was daylight but only just after dawn and he knew it was going to be a hot day because his room was already heating up. He stepped closer to his window and looked out, gazing into Brad’s backyard while wishing he could see him.

 

Excluding the birdsong, everything sounded so quiet and he knew most everyone was still asleep. Imagining Brad at the beach the day before, Jackson pushed his briefs down, allowing his standard morning glory to pop up and slap against his gut. He reached down and gripped it, closed his eyes and pictured Brad, before jerking off to climax.

 

Once the deed was complete and he felt much more awake, he decided to throw on some shorts and go do an early work-out before it got too hot. A few minutes later he was in Brad’s backyard and quietly opening the garage with the key Brad gave him.

 

Working-out hard for ninety minutes, at around eight o’clock, Jackson stepped out into the sun and stretched and flexed as he looked down at the way his body now looked. He was smiling as he enjoyed the muscles all over his body and though he was unaware of it, he looked incredibly handsome, totally desirable and simply amazing.

 

Only shortly after Jackson had stepped out into the sun, Brad had awoken, got out of bed and walked into the kitchen. He drank a glass of water and then with both hands leaning on the edge of the sink, he looked out through the window. He glanced around his yard and then catching sight of the opened garage door at such an early hour of the morning, he turned suspiciously toward it, before seeing Jackson standing on the concrete outside of the opening.

 

Quickly taking in the sight of his body because Jackson was wearing nothing but shorts, Brad could not help but notice the worked arms, legs and body that were on display. Deeply tanned after the day with him on the beach, his thickening physique was not only seriously pumped up and defined but due to the hard work-out and now standing beneath the morning sun, he was also covered in sun-drenched, gleaming sweat. Immediately thoughts ran through Brad’s mind.

 

“How in hell is he fourteen? He looks so much older than fourteen and why didn’t I see him like this yesterday? Is this just because of the work-out? Today he looks like a young man. Where did the boy go?”

 

In those moments in time, which seemed like a high definition movie playing on a screen that was actually his window, Brad stared for at least three to four minutes without consciously thinking about what he was doing. There was something of the nature of a child looking at a delicious cake in a glass cabinet while his mother spoke with the shopkeeper.

 

Another thought ran through his mind, “My little man is definitely gone.”

 

Brad’s eyes became distant or hypnotised as he stared intensely at his closest friend. Then with the softest whisper, he said, “He looks incredible.”

 

Within that silent bubble in time, Brad thought Jackson’s body seemed to be emanating male sexual attraction while the buff physique looked even better then when he had stared at it the day before on the beach. It was undoubtedly a young man’s body but the maturing masculinity was clearly pushing its way to the surface.

 

Finally, as his unbroken gaze intensified, Brad felt something of the nature of that sexual attraction, which he had never felt at any time toward Jackson. His cock was still thick following his morning erection but suddenly it began to firm within his briefs and just as he realised what was happening, it stiffened completely.

 

Literally with a soft gasp, Brad pushed with his hands against the sink and stepped backwards away from the window in disbelief. His first thought was a relatable thought, found in a memory of a thirteen-year-old Michael. Obviously he was trying to justify what had just happened. Apart from Michael, no other male had ever made him hard before.

 

An unstructured group of thoughts were scrambling through his mind. His body said yes but society said no. He was a man and Jackson was a boy. He was straight, not gay. His girlfriend was asleep in their bedroom. Jackson was his friend and it all seemed somehow wrong.

 

The instant and unexpected silent battle that was taking place inside of him seemed alien and so very, very wrong. It seemed incomprehensible. As his real world began to come back into focus and he looked at the kitchen sink and then at the smooth white wood of the windowsill, he thought, “What the fuck just happened?”

 

The moment the question crossed his mind, Brad suddenly thought that in some way, as he had been looking at Jackson’s new and incredible body, there had been something of a similarity to the day in the dunes when he had stared at Michael.

 

“That was different, though. Michael and I were both adolescent boys and it’s not so unusual for boys to explore and play sexually.”

 

The expression on Brad’s face was disturbed and his eyes were darting about as if he were searching for an answer in his kitchen.

 

“I’m a man in my late twenties and Jackson is only fourteen. How could that be anything but wrong? Even if some part of me has been in denial since I was a teenager, it doesn’t change the fact I’m an adult and he’s not.”

 

Even so, he realised his attraction to both boys was similar. There was a deep, emotional connection that existed with each of them. Internally that thought felt like a validation but when he once again considered what society said, which was something he agreed with, he immediately felt like his validation was invalidated.

 

“It doesn’t matter anyway because I’m not in love with him and I’m certainly not attracted to him. Well, I mean I am attracted but…”

 

Despite his intellectual battle, the acceptance that Jackson and Michael were somehow the same, filled Brad with a need to look at Jackson again. He felt a deep need to compare the two boys. They were in no way identical or even particularly alike but there was definitely something that was driving against the flow of traffic in his mind.

 

Almost obsessively, the desire to look at Jackson filled Brad’s consciousness completely. Without even moving his feet, he leaned to the right while looking out the window to the left. He just had to see that body and look at the young man once again. He gazed at the handsome, maturing face and then allowed his gaze to flow like water over the skin and muscle.

 

Even though on some level he was trying to deny what was happening, there was no doubt his feelings and thoughts, along with the sensual heating of his body, were all decidedly sexual. The next thing Brad felt, though, was an unexpected connection, as subconsciously his fingers gently came into contact and touched and wrapped around the stiff bulge of his erection.

 

“Fuck no,” he thought.

 

Brad pulled his hand away from his cock abruptly. His mind was silently screaming words like youth and stigma and unacceptable. Instantly his eyes moved through the emotions of guilt, of confusion and of dismissal. Turning with certainty, he felt a need to escape the window and he left the kitchen immediately.

 

Feeling like he needed to bring all of his thoughts and feelings to a halt, he made a decision and walked straight to the bathroom and closed the door. Stepping beneath the shower, the moment the cold water smacked him hard, he forced himself to remain beneath the uncomfortable flow he hated. With a pained expression he thought, “You can never allow anything like that to ever happen again.”

 

To be continued...