Finding Dayton Du'it

By: Solo Voice
(© 2017 by the author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

solo_voice@tickiestories.us

Chapter 13: A Tale From The Printed Word.

In a way, Kat seemed like the perfect type but in another way, she seemed an odd fit with the old fashioned, independent bookshop she owned. It was really just about the façades. Kat’s façade was elegant and stylish with a cosmopolitan refinement, which somehow seemed to embrace an underlying sultriness and sexiness. The façade of her store on the other hand was antiquated and anachronistic. At first glance the owner and the property seemed incongruous.

When old Mr Perkins had died, it was just a general bookstore that smelled of dust and old paper while it appeared as if the eighteenth century was yet to turn. Now, it was a women’s bookstore with a focus on lesbian and feminist content and it was also clean and smelled fresh. As a consequence of the current size of the store, it was limited in the stock it carried, however, Kat had dreams of appropriating the neighboring property and expanding the store into something much more worthwhile. She wanted to increase content but also expand in space to give the store more freedom of movement. Her desire for the store to grow and evolve was why she had not yet made any serious changes to its internal or external appearance. She had lots of ideas of the changes she wanted to make but still it was a matter of time and particularly, money.

As Kat stood oddly staring out the window at nothing, gazing into a void while a single feeling plagued her incessantly, Deb walked over and stopped behind her and rested her fingers on Kat’s shoulder.

“I don’t mean to interrupt or interfere but Kat, it’s extremely obvious you’re not yourself today. Would you like to talk or is there anything I can do for you?”

Kat turned around and looked at the younger woman. Deb was twenty-four but attractive in an interesting yet average way. Her eyes were dark and intense but also highly discerning. She was the more cerebral type and very intelligent but her clothes always suggested her sexual nature and preference. Today she was wearing a white, long sleeved shirt, which was tucked into long, black pants above black designer boots. Black elastic suspenders ran from the seams of her pants over her shoulders, before crossing over her back and returning to the rear of her pants. Her hair was black as well and it characterized the fair skin of her face.

“It’s Alisha,” Kat said.

Deb queried, “Something new or the same thing?”

“The same thing,” Kat replied.

“I wish I could make this easier for you but really, Kat, I can only say what I’ve already said. On every occasion that we’ve discussed this, to me it seems fairly obvious. Kat, you’ve admitted openly to me that there is a nagging question inside of you about whether you should be with Alisha. Once again I would suggest to you that if you’re even asking the question, then your own instincts are already giving you an answer,” Deb said.

“I know and I can’t deny what you’re saying makes sense and seems right but still, when we’re together alone, we seem okay and everything seems like it should be fine. We spent Friday night, Saturday night and most of Sunday together and it was good,” Kat justified. “By the way, thanks again for coming in and managing the shop for the entire weekend, Deb, I really needed the time off, as well as the time with Alisha.”

“Kat, you know I’ll work all the extra hours you want me to, so you don’t need to keep thanking me. You’re paying me for my time and I can always use some extra money. Anyway, back to Alisha. I’m sure it’s true that things are good when the two of you are alone but you don’t want to be with someone where you’re only happy in a private bubble.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Have you sorted out what it is about being with her that’s niggling at you?”

“Deb, I think about it constantly and I’ve been thinking about it all morning. When we’re alone, when we’re in bed or when we’re in each other’s arms, the emotional fulfillment is wonderful. When we have sex she gives herself to me and I know she trusts me. The thing is, outside of those times; I don’t know, it’s like she’s there in body but not in spirit,” Kat struggled to explain.

“Personally, after meeting Alisha, I thought she was too young and immature for you and I’ll also tell you something I held back last time. I’m not really sure I believe Alisha is a lesbian. I’m not sure why but Kat, it’s what I think or perhaps it’s an intuition.”

“No, that can’t be right, Deb. Remember that night you asked me to go out for drinks with you? That was the night I first saw Alisha. I saw her several times at the bar following that night and each time she was with a different girl. I was patient and watched her until I was ready to approach her.”

Deb asked, “I thought you didn’t frequent lesbian bars and only went with me that night to keep me company?”

“I don’t. I only went back because there was something about Alisha that caught my attention and I wanted to see if I could see her again. She was there each night I went back and I was intrigued by her.”

“Well, behind that mask of makeup she is very pretty, if that’s what you’re into.”

“There was more to it than that, Deb. I’m sure there was.”

“Well, I can’t say I’ve ever seen what you see in her. I’m sorry but to me, Alisha is like an artists painting that’s only just been started. There’s a touch of color but the rest of the canvas is blank. I have no idea what the eventual work will produce.

Kat chuckled and said, “She’s young, Deb. She needs time to find herself.”

“And a man,” Deb shot back seriously yet thoughtlessly.

Kat asked in shock, “Deb, why would you say that?”

“I’m sorry, Kat. It’s an instinct but it’s probably wrong,” Deb backtracked.

“I’ve never even thought such a thing regarding Alisha,” Kat said.

“So have you had any other revelations where this relationship is concerned?”

“Not really,” Kat said but she was thinking how that morning she had not been able to admit she was in love with Alisha.

“Kat, we’re doing what we always do when we discuss Alisha. We’re drifting between issues, events and attitudes and I think we need to stay on a more focused track. Kat, there is a very good reason why your heart and mind are filling you with doubts. I can’t say I know exactly what that reason is but before you put yourself in a position where you require the need to trust another, first you need to learn to trust yourself.”

“I hate you when you do that. You make everything so simple and so clear and I feel like I should be the reasonable adult I am and just agree with you and act upon the decision. Problem is, I really don’t want to hurt her,” Kat clarified.

“So you’d prefer to hurt yourself then someone else?”

“Jesus, Deb.”

“Well I’m sorry but it’s true.”

“You should write a book, a how to on lesbian relationships,” Kat suggested.

“I doubt that. At least not until I understand women,” she replied and they both laughed loudly.

The bell jingled and a group of five women walked into the store with one extremely stereotypical and very gay, young queen, following closely behind. They all turned as Kat said good morning and after returning the greeting, the girlie boy asked, “Do you have a copy of Lesbians On The Loose?”

Everyone cackled with laughter.

***

When Alisha walked into the park to meet Kat for lunch, she looked at her watch and saw she was thirty minutes early. She was not shocked or disturbed and in fact, she was pleased she had arrived when she did. She sucked on the little straw in the small juice box, as she stared at a bench seat she was approaching from behind.

With the many and varying lunch times, the park was quite busy. People were walking, milling around in groups or sitting on benches. Some people sat on the grass but wherever they were, people were chatting, eating and smoking and a constant flow were coming and going.

Alisha looked at the sharp haircut on the man on the bench whose back was to her. Her gaze followed down a strong neck to very large and very broad shoulders surrounded by a crisp, white business shirt. The closer she came to the bench the greater she felt the increase in her emotions. She felt guilty but she also felt excited.

She straightened her stance as she walked passed the bench and continued to another bench about thirty feet away. She turned, sat down and looked toward the place where she knew eventually Kat would enter the park. She looked at her watch again and realizing she still had twenty-five minutes; she felt a sense of both ease and relief.

Alisha sat nonchalantly watching the passing parade. She wanted desperately to look over at the man she had walked by, however, she also did not want to show any degree of recognition or awareness toward him. Last week, on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday while having lunch with Kat, she had seen him and had been aware with a passing glance that he was watching her. She loved that he watched her and she loved this little game but she believed she could never let him see her looking back. Still she had chosen to arrive thirty minutes earlier today.

After a time, she stood and sauntered before she stopped and leaned against a tree that was closer to his position. She let her head turn as her eyes surveyed the surroundings, before her gaze darted swiftly passed his eyes. Her expression remained unchanged but she was happy that he was looking straight at her. How she wanted to stare back.

In a moment that she told herself was accidental, despite knowing she just had to do it, she turned her head directly toward him and looked into his eyes. She blushed and turned away. Instantly she was a little girl, her arms up stretched to her father, always wanting to be in his embrace. His large arms and his big chest were so warm and his cuddles and kisses made her want to remain in his arms forever.

After a few minutes, Alisha turned her head slowly and looked again. The man was still seated alone and his eyes were still fixed upon her intently. He smiled as their eyes met the second time and Alisha turned away again. She took several steps, moving around the trunk of the large tree until she knew she was out of sight. She felt the flush of blood and heat in her cheeks and she let her back fall against the tree, as she breathed with relief.

Alisha knew she was feeling so much more than relief. Heat filled her body but it had little to do with the sun or the beautiful day. What was particularly obvious to her was an extreme sense of desire. The man was older, at least thirty-five and he was big and so very handsome. Her stomach was swirling and her chest felt tight, as she tried to breathe normally. She knew in that moment what was now becoming a regular occurrence; her attraction to men was becoming stronger.

For so many years she had felt an aversion bordering on fear where men were concerned. She was still tentative regarding men but now she was older, there was a combination of emotions taking place inside of her body. The most striking thing at that moment was the enormous whisper in her mind, which was telling her she wanted the older man to hold her in his arms, just like her father used to do.

Several minutes past by and as they did, her curiosity was also growing. She wanted to know if he was still there and she wanted to know if his eyes still wanted to see her. She rolled around the trunk of the tree until her eyes found the bench. Her face dropped and she sighed, as she realized he was gone.

A deep, male voice said from directly behind her, “Looking for someone?”

Alisha jerked in shock and rolled back around to see who was speaking to her, only to find the very same man right on the edge of her personal space. The sharpest and most stunning, light blue eyes, drilled into her eyes and she gasped as she took in the incredibly handsome, older man. She knew she should respond to his question but she was speechless.

“I’m Greg and I can see right through you,” he said.

While shocked yet filled with desire, Alisha felt like she had been caught in an illegal activity, before she said, “Excuse me?”

“We both know what’s been happening here since last week,” Greg said.

“I’m here for lunch,” she replied.

Greg said, “You’re beautiful. Why do you hide yourself behind makeup and that stripe of red?”

“I… I don’t know, I like it, I guess,” she replied.

“No, no, no, we both know that’s not true. We both know you’re hiding,” Greg stated.

“What? Hiding from what?”

“Now that’s the question, isn’t it? What is it that could make a beautiful, young woman, masquerade?”

Alisha’s mouth was ajar. Her attraction to this man that reminded her of her dead father was unsettling. She wanted him to lift her into his arms and carry her away. She wanted him to touch her and embrace her and her mind was already advancing somewhere else, as she stared at his lips.

Greg asked, “Where’s your friend today?”

“What friend?”

“The woman you’ve been having lunch with?”

“Oh, she’s not here yet,” Alisha replied.

“Fortunate for me,” he said and smiled “but you still haven’t answered my question,” he completed.

“What question?”

“What are you hiding from?”

“I’m not hiding.”

“Well, at least you’re not hiding from me at the moment but even if you were, it’d be too late because now I can see you and I think maybe I’ve found you,” Greg said.

Alisha thought this man was a magician. She wondered how he could know of or at least touch on her uncertainties. She wondered if he could hold her answers and if he could fill the hole that until now, only Kat had come anywhere near to satisfying.

Greg took a step, pressed his hand against the bark of the tree and leaned against it, his body moving closer to Alisha as a consequence. Alisha inhaled the expensive aftershave and she felt tiny and surrounded by the man’s body. She felt a need to escape but she knew she really wanted to stay with the man.

Greg asked, “What’s your name?”

“Alisha,” she said and Greg gave her a brilliant, white smile.

“A beautiful name for a beautiful woman.”

Alisha felt the flush as her blood raced out from her heart. The subsequent heat of it was moving up her chest, around her throat and into her face. Part of her wanted to squirm away but another part of her, a greater part, wanted Greg to encompass her and make the heat grow hotter.

“Alisha, look down at the skin on your arm just beneath the curve of your shoulder.”

Alisha looked down unquestioningly and Greg said, “It’s beautiful skin and I know beneath the makeup you’re wearing, the skin on your face would be as beautiful as the skin on your arm.”

Alisha stared into his eyes almost disbelievingly but then he lifted his other hand and stroked the tip of his index finger down over the skin of the feminine curve. Alisha shivered from the touch and she knew she wanted to feel that touch again. The thought ran through her mind that she wanted that touch but on places other than her arm. She looked up into his extraordinary eyes and she said, “You really think I’m beautiful?”

“I do, Alisha. I just wish I could see you as you really are, the true you, the natural you.”

Alisha thought she was going to faint. Suddenly her blood was coursing through her body so fast, her temperature was rising even higher and her legs were suddenly feeling weak. She wished she were sitting down and then she felt dizzy and like she was going to pass out.

Alisha appeared to be about to fall and Greg asked as he put his arm around her, “Are you all right?”

He pulled her against him and though she truly was dizzy, she knew what was happening and she wrapped her arms around him because she wanted to, as much as for the support.

“I’m sorry, I’m just a little dizzy,” she said and as she laid her head on his chest, she knew the swoon was real and was carrying her into his arms.

“It’s okay,” he replied and folded both arms around her. Minutes later they sat down at the base of the tree together and began to talk.

***

While Deb remained looking after the store, Kat walked down the street and rounded the corner. She looked at her watch and realized she was running ten minutes late. She crossed the road as she headed for her destination but as she stepped up onto the curb and looked across into the park, she refused to believe what she thought she was seeing.

Quickening her pace she moved farther along the sidewalk before she came to a dead halt. Her body turned as she face the park directly and as she stared at a man standing beside a tree, a girl in his arms with her back to her while the man kissed the girl deeply; Kat glared at the blood red stripe of color through the girl’s hair. Kat’s expression transformed to one of betrayal. Her mouth opened and hung, as her eyes opened wide and then she turned away and looked at the street.

Kat stood frozen for over a minute, her dagger-like gaze set upon the tar of the road as if it was an enemy. She could not believe it and she did not want to believe it and that made her want to turn back around and look again. Suddenly, as if she were worried about her posture, she straightened, pulled back her shoulders, lifted her head and then with a confident and determined stride and without looking back, she headed back to “The Printed Word” and to Deb.

“My god, are you all right, you look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” Deb said as Kat walked into the store.

Kat looked at Deb but said nothing. Her only acknowledgement of Deb was a nod but she did not answer the question. She walked swiftly yet somehow casually across the store and into the back room. A mug thumped onto a counter and a teaspoon tinkled as it fell into it, as she began making a coffee. Deb appeared behind her around thirty seconds later, determined to not let this go, whatever it was.

“Kat, what is it, what’s wrong?”

“It appears life is giving me a helping hand. A cruel and hurtful push,” she said angrily.

“I don’t understand,” Deb replied.

Kat asked, “Would you like a coffee?”

“A tea, yeah and thanks,” Deb said as she looked at Kat with curiosity.

“Tea! Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

“Yeah, I know. You always say coffee out of habit.”

“Funny that,” Kat said.

Deb walked over to Kat and gripped her by the shoulder. She pulled her around firmly to get to the bottom of whatever was going on. However, before she had the chance to release her firm voice to get Kat to open up, Deb stared in shock at the tears rolling down Kat’s face.

“Oh my god. What’s happened?”

Kat asked, “Is there anyone in the store?”

“No, not at the moment,” Deb replied.

“Well then, I need to sit down. Any chance you could make these?”

“Of course,” Deb said and stepped into position, as Kat walked the few steps and sat down at a small, round table that centered the little room.

Once the drinks were on the table and Deb was seated, she waited for Kat to begin and watched as she sipped at her coffee while wiping tears from her eyes with a crushed tissue.

“It’s about Alisha,” Kat said, a phrase that Deb was becoming all too familiar with.

“What about her?”

“Tell me something, Deb. Why did you make that comment earlier about Alisha finding a man?”

“Only because of my assumption that Alisha wasn’t a lesbian.”

Kat asked, “I know you said it was instinctive but was there any rational basis for it?”

“No. Why would there be. I hardly know the girl. You introduced me to her just that one time. Oh, she also popped in that day two weeks ago but apart from that I barely know her,” Deb clarified.

“So you’ve never seen her anywhere out and about?”

“No. As I just said, I’ve only seen her twice. Kat, what’s this all about?”

“This whole situation is really difficult to fathom. It seems so right and yet it seems so wrong. I don’t even know why I’m crying because at this moment, I know I’ve been deceiving myself. I also know my feelings for Alisha were not what I was telling myself they were. I should be relieved, not unhappy or feeling angry.”

“About what? Kat, I’m completely lost as to what’s going on,” Deb said.

“Deb, I just saw Alisha in the park. She was in the arms of a man and he was kissing her. Alisha wasn’t struggling to get away; she was kissing him back. It was completely mutual,” Kat explained.

“That fucking little bitch. I should go down there and slap the paint off her face.”

“No, don’t do anything like that and just leave her alone. Even if you see her I don’t want you to say anything to her. Just let it go. It’s what I’m going to do. Whether she knows it or not, she and I are over and I’m a single woman again. That’s why I said what I said. It’s amusing in a way. I do feel like a weight has been lifted and yet I’m crying like I’m damaged.”

“Kat, I don’t think it’s at all unusual. I mean even if you didn’t love her and even if some part of you wanted it over, of course you’re hurt and crying. That bitch has betrayed you behind your back. I don’t care if she’s confused and doesn’t know what she wants, it doesn’t give her the right to use and abuse you the way she has obviously been abusing you.”

“I don’t think it’s quite that cut and dried, Deb. I mean we both thought she was very young and very immature. Let’s face it, I should’ve known better in the first place. Regardless, sometimes understanding our sexuality can be confusing and a real trial. Maybe it’s taken her a long time to discover who she is. Maybe she still doesn’t know. I think we need to give her the benefit of the doubt, not that it will make any difference to the fact that it’s over between her and I.  Still, for her sake, I don’t think we should be too harsh or accusing,” Kat said.

“To quote a phrase, Kat, ‘You’re a better man than me,’” Deb said.

“I don’t know about that,” Kat joked with a soft smile and a wink.

“Screw you,” Deb replied and they smiled at each other with amusement.

Deb looked at Kat as Kat gazed into her coffee. Inside, Deb was pleased that Kat had said that she and Alisha were over. From the day she met Alisha, every cell of her being told her Alisha was completely wrong for Kat. Deb was sad that Kat was hurt but Deb’s silent thoughts argued that soon Kat would find a woman equal to her.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling betrayed and hurt but Kat, I really believe this is a good thing.”

“You really didn’t like her, did you, Deb?”

“It wasn’t a matter of dislike. I mean I didn’t hate Alisha; it was just my gut telling me something I could never put into words. You’re my closest friend and I care about what happens to you. At no point did I feel she was right for you. Kat, you’re not just a beautiful woman, you’re also a very smart woman and you’ve got so much going for you. I always imagined you finding a partner who would be your equal and I’m sorry but Alisha was never going to be that,” Deb explained.

“I wish you’d said that to me two months ago,” Kat replied.

“I wanted to but I knew how I’d react if someone said to me what I wanted to say to you. I’d be incensed if someone told me my girlfriend was wrong for me,” Deb said.

“It doesn’t matter, well not now anyway. It’s a struggle for me to accept what’s really going on inside of me. Habit tells me I should be devastated and seriously heartbroken but rationally I know somehow I feel relieved. It’s hard to come to terms with my mind being clear when all this time I’ve been feeling so uncertain. It sort of makes me feel guilty and like I’m as much to blame,” Kat clarified.

“Kat, no one wants to be alone and lonely. It’s why people have friends and why we search for sex and why we hang on so tightly to family. Maybe you remained with Alisha because of those needs and maybe it wasn’t real or true but the only way you could find the truth is to undergo the experience. It’s how we learn and grow. Don’t be down on yourself. Be pleased that now you know and now you can move forward freely. Maybe now you can find that woman I’m sure is out there for you,” Deb said.

“I know you’re right but I still feel betrayed and hurt by Alisha and I also still feel guilty and like I brought all of this on,” Kat replied.

Suddenly, the door opened and the bell above it jingled to let them know someone was entering the store. Deb leaned backwards over the chair and looked out into the store to confirm the arrival of a customer. A moment later her head swung around and she stared at Kat.

“Shit, it’s her,” she said.

“Say nothing,” Kat said authoritatively while pointing at Deb and as Deb lifted her hands in a show of submission, Kat stood up, straightened her clothes and headed out into the public area of the store.

“Hi Kat,” Alisha said while looking uncertain.

“Hi,” Kat replied somberly.

“Did I get it wrong? I thought we were supposed to be meeting for lunch.”

Kat asked with a subtle tone of sarcasm, “Weren’t you busy with other things?”

“What? No. Why would you think that?”

“I thought it was supposed to be just the two of us,” Kat said.

Alisha’s head tilted to the side and her facial expression became confused. She had no idea what Kat was talking about because she had assumed Kat had forgotten they were supposed to meet.

“What?”

“Alisha, there’s no need to pretend. I know,” Kat said.

“You know what?”

“Oh give me a break,” Deb reacted from the back room and Alisha looked to the doorway before looking back at Kat’s tightened expression.

“Alisha, I was there and I saw you,” Kat said.

Alisha asked before assumptions and guilt began thrashing swiftly in her mind, “What? Where?

Kat simply stared at Alisha until the young face began turning scarlet, even through the makeup and then fear began to fill her eyes.

“Alisha, that’s enough. I saw that man with his tongue down your throat. I also saw you kissing him back and your arms wrapped around him.”

“Kat, no, it wasn’t like that,” she said.

“Well then, Alisha, tell me what it was like. Otherwise, you could just start acting like an adult, accept responsibility for your actions and admit to the person you are.”

“I’m sorry,” Alisha said and started to cry.

“Alisha, tears won’t help anything here. Be honest with me, truly honest with me and maybe even with yourself as well. Who are you and how long has this been going on? Are you bisexual or are you actually straight? What have you been doing?”

“I don’t want to lose you or hurt you, Kat.”

“Well I’m sorry but those two things have already had their boxes ticked. You and I are no longer together and you’ve already hurt me, so the least you could do is be honest with me and tell me the truth,” Kat said.

“Kat, I didn’t know for certain, at least not until today.”

Kat asked, “And?”

“It was the first time, Kat. I haven’t been with anyone but girls and then you. The thing is, when he kissed me and held me, something happened inside of me. I couldn’t stop myself and I wanted it,” she said.

“You wanted - it? Exactly what did you want?”

Alisha stammered, “I… I wanted… I wanted?”

Trying to enforce clarification, Kat asked, “Him? A Man?”

“Yes,” Alisha said, looking down at the floor.

“Well, thank you for at least telling me that and I suppose that’s all that needs to be said. Good luck with your life and I hope he can give you whatever it is you need.”

“But I still want to see you, Kat.”

“I guess that’s sweet in some strange way but Alisha, it’s not going to happen and I’d like you to leave my store right now and I don’t want you to try to contact me again. You and I, Alisha, we’re done. Now go.”

Alisha looked horrified but deep within, her eyes filled with both acceptance and understanding. She turned as tears were streaming down her cheeks, walked to the door and opened it but then she turned to Kat and said sadly, “I’m sorry.” She then turned again, stepped outside and closed the door behind her.

Deb was beside Kat instantly, knowing that some form of pain and hurt would be overwhelming her. Kat turned and looked at her but though she was not crying, there was definitely hurt in her eyes.

Deb asked, “Another coffee?”

“Hell no. There’s a bottle of whiskey in the cupboard above the sink. I think I need one, maybe a couple,” Kat replied.

To be continued...

Posted: 07/14/17