Finding Dayton Du'it

By: Solo Voice
(© 2017 by the author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

solo_voice@tickiestories.us

Chapter 12: Opening Eyes.

Dawn was approaching but it was still dark when Dayton awoke. His mind turned instantly to thoughts of Lance and he smiled with a sense of hope. He still could barely believe how his whole consciousness had changed, as a consequence of reading the file on Lance’s computer. An explosion of self-awareness, along with an explosion of hope, had changed everything about the man he was. He was gay, admitted and accepted, his feelings for Lance were real and not just imaginings or vague fantasies and he also felt a sense that his life had suddenly gained some purpose.

Before he went to bed the night before, Dayton decided he would talk to Lance the next day, to bring the truth out into the open and to see where things would lead. However, an hour and a half after going to bed, sleep had managed to evade him, as his mind swirled around possibilities of a closer relationship with Lance. Finally, following a decision to get back out of bed and go to Lance’s room, with courage he left his room to tell Lance how he was feeling. Unfortunately, Dayton found nothing more than the disappointment of a closed door and darkness throughout the house. Lance was always awake late at night and the one time Dayton needed him to be awake, Lance was asleep. Regretfully, Dayton returned to his room to endure a restless night.

This morning, as he considered what he would say that afternoon and he considered the possibilities the conversation could hold in store; pessimistic pre-emptive thoughts stood at the front of his mind and disturbed him.

Dayton wondered, “What if it’s too late? What if Heidi has become a spanner in the works? What if I begin a conversation and it doesn’t go well? Have I already screwed everything up?”

Dayton slid out of bed immediately and moved swiftly to the bathroom. He hoped a physical task would quiet the apprehension and uncertainty of his mind and so regardless of the time, he shaved, showered, cleaned his teeth and then returned to his bedroom to get dressed. As he walked into the kitchen for a quick breakfast, he noticed the changing hue of the approaching dawn beginning outside the window. He knew he was way ahead of his routine; however, he just wanted to start and finish this day and get home to Lance. Twenty minutes later he was driving to work, knowing he would be first to arrive on site.

***

Kat heard a distinctive sound and as her eyes flicked open, she knew it was the front door closing and assumed Dayton had left for work. In what was becoming a frustrating manner, her mind turned to thoughts of Alisha. The problem was her thoughts were not positive and confident. Even though Saturday night and Sunday had been one of the more comfortable periods of time spent together, still Kat could not negate a nagging thought from her mind.

Once again a silent argument began inside of her. She confirmed her physical attraction to Alisha and then she confirmed they were sexually compatible as well. Half-heartedly, she told herself that the intellectual stimulation would evolve and come with time. A whisper in her mind suggested she had doubts about that as well but she pushed the voice away. She silently asked herself if she was in love with Alisha but when the answer she wanted did not come with any ease of certainty, she felt an even greater sense of doubt.

For what was now two of the two and a half months since they met, Kat had continued to entertain the uncertain feeling that something did not fit. In fact, when Lance had said to her on Saturday that she and Alisha were an unusual fit, it had struck such a deep chord inside of her that all these thoughts had doubled in intensity. It was irritatingly frustrating and she wondered why she could never simply feel certainty where Alisha was concerned. She wished her mind and her heart could see things as black or white and subsequently, she could either embrace the relationship or push it away. However, for some reason, she always felt she was trying to hold sand in her hand and not let it slip between her fingers.

Kat sighed and dragged herself from bed. She stood quietly for a few moments staring out the window, a subtle intrigue initiating within, as she noticed the unusual color of the ocean. She yawned heavily while still not fully awake. As the cogs of her reasoning began to speed up and awareness took her farther from sleep, her eyes lifted slightly and she took in the color of the sky.

There could only be one reason for the distinct appearance of the air and water and as she spun around she looked to the bedside chest of drawers. Surprise transformed her expression when she saw the clock and realized she was awake so early. For a moment she considered going back to bed for another hour but knowing she was now too awake, she dismissed the thought. She wondered why Dayton had left so early and then she walked over and turned off the alarm, to prevent its occurrence from possibly waking Lance.

Well ahead of her usual routine, Kat went to the bathroom and showered, before she dressed and quietly moved to the kitchen. She ate a bowl of cereal and some toast, washing it all down with a coffee. She considered how enjoyable it had been to have an entire weekend away from her bookstore, as well as some time to give to her relationship with Alisha. She thought of Deb, her best friend and only employee and she told herself she needed to thank Deb for making the weekend possible. She glanced at the clock and then with a shrug, she gathered what she needed and left for the bookstore to start her day much earlier than usual.

***

When Lance awoke, there was only one difference to every other morning. His eyes showed curiosity from the display of the numbers that told him it was seven forty-five. Instantly he noticed he was not just awake, he was actually wide-awake. His recall referred him to his non-standard decision of an early bedtime and his eyes revealed instant understanding. He remained lying on top of the sheets as he stared out the window at the sky but soon after, something caught his attention. It was the silence of the house and it seemed so exceptionally loud.

Comparatively, the weekend had seemed like an arena of voice and sound, as Kat and he on Saturday and then Dayton and he on Sunday, talked constantly and moved into a different dimension of their relationships. This morning, the silence seemed deafening.

Lance remembered his confrontation with self-awareness, a battle he realized he had apparently lost. He was glad things were now clear in his mind but at the same time, he did not like that he had been oblivious to his first experience with true love. In retrospect, he had felt like he was floundering in a landless ocean but then he felt like a hand had pulled him from the water and into a stranger’s boat.

Today he felt different. Things had changed but he still felt like he had not quite processed the new information. He had a sense of being just out of reach of something else and then there was the knowledge he still had not told Dayton he was gay. He knew he was going to do it today but he still could not shake the feeling that something was waiting to go wrong. Presuming he was just being pessimistic, he rolled onto his side as if a change of position would help.

Lance considered how generally he felt relaxed and free whenever he was alone in this house. Today, though, he did not feel that way. His anticipation of the coming day filled him equally with hopes and fears. Somehow he believed that everything would be fine but still it bothered him that he had allowed so much time to pass. He confirmed to himself that one way or another, he was going to make this right before the day came to an end.

There had been two events in the house that Lance had been completely unaware of the night before. The first was that Dayton had read the file on his computer, which could have made all the difference to how he was feeling now. In addition, twenty minutes after Lance had fallen asleep, there had been a gentle tap on his door and then soft whispers of his name. Dayton had come to Lance, determined to speak to him and to clear everything up for both of them. Considering how unsettled Lance was feeling now, if either or both of those events had different outcomes, Lance would have been a completely different person today.

Lance’s day started like it always did and he went about his usual morning like most other days. The rest of the morning probably would have past slowly, however, at around nine o’clock his phone rang and he answered it with a smile when he saw the caller ID telling him it was Dimity. They had not seen each other for well over a month and the last time they spoke on the phone was the morning after Dayton had moved in.

“Hey girl,” Lance said, very happy to talk with her again.

“I just love the way you always sound so happy when you speak to me,” Dimity replied.

“It’s a façade. I make myself sound that way because I feel such overwhelming pity for you. My heart bleeds that you don’t have a hot man and a big cock to satisfy your deeply hidden needs. I just know this thing they call lesbianism is not a real thing and all of you are silently begging for cock.”

Dimity chuckled and said, “Still alone and going without, are you, Lance? It sounds to me like you’re the one who’s silently begging for cock.”

“Fuck you, you bitch,” he said while also chuckling.

“Maybe I should let you fuck me, Lance. Maybe if you had a woman you wouldn’t have your hand on it all the time,” Dimity said and laughed.

“You’re supposed to be my friend, Dimity. You’re not supposed to be trying to imprint images of vaginal horror in my mind and making me want to put a noose around my neck.”

“Well then, if the divinity of women is really not your scene, I guess I’ll just have to accept that you’re to be bound by the emotionless hearts, the irrational natures and the sex obsessed desires of men. It’s a shame you’ll never know the magnificence of women.”

Lance chuckled and asked, “Why are you in this sort of mood at this time of morning?”

“It’s partially because you make me laugh and smile but it’s also because I’m trying to be positive in the face of change,” she said.

Lance asked, “Why? What’s up?”

“I was made redundant,” she replied.

“Shit, I’m so sorry. What happened?”

“It was all about cutbacks and saving money. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me because I’m a hard worker and I had only recently been highlighted for promotion. However, the powers that be, the ones who crunch the numbers, made an entire department redundant because they merged two departments into one. Seventeen people got the bullet in one fell swoop.”

“Shit. That’s tough,” Lance said.

“Well maybe it was a good thing. You know how I’m always talking about starting my own business. Maybe this is the time to stop talking and start doing.”

Lance asked, “What would you do?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I could start a line of dildos for gays and lesbians?”

“Not really a big call for that, Dimity,” Lance said and they both chuckled.

“Honestly Lance, I don’t know. The essence of this desire has always been some sort of small business. My mind flutters about thoughts of a small retail store, maybe something to do with arts and crafts? I like the idea of a practical association with creativity. Maybe something else? Who knows? Whatever I do, I now have more time to think about it.”

Lance offered, believing he could spare maybe two hundred at best, “How are you getting by? I don’t have a lot but if you need a little money?”

“You’re so sweet. Thank you Lance but I’m very well situated and I don’t have any problems. In fact, I’m secure enough that I was also thinking about finding a new place to live. I thought I could make extreme changes all round. It’s funny but though at any other time this sort of upheaval would make me panic, instead I’m feeling this overwhelming sense of opportunity,” Dimity said.

“Well, whatever you do, good luck with everything,” he replied.

“Lance, I was thinking I’d like to catch up and not just over the phone. It’s approaching two months since we saw each other and the last time we spoke on the phone, you told me you wanted me to come and see your new home.”

“I’d love that. I have something important I need to do tonight but what about tomorrow night?”

“It’s a date if it includes dinner. I’ll bring the red wine,” Dimity said.

“You’re on. I’ll call you again to confirm, probably late morning tomorrow.”

“Excellent,” she said.

They talked for quite some time following, during which time Lance told her all about Dayton. After learning about the man who was sharing a house with Lance, Dimity could not help but notice Lance’s description of the man seemed a little obsessive.

Dimity said, “You know Lance, it sounds like Dayton means more to you than just someone to share a house with. What aren’t you telling me?”

“Fuck, am I really that transparent?”

“It’s the tenor and emotive quality of your voice, Lance. You’ve never been transparent but when you talk about this guy, there’s something new I’ve never heard in all the time we’ve been friends. So tell me, do you think there’s any chance for you?”

“Honestly Dimity, I don’t know. I hope there is but I’m just not sure,” Lance replied.

“Well, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. Will I get to meet him tomorrow night?”

“If nothing happens and nothing changes from the usual, then yeah, Dayton will be here tomorrow night for dinner,” Lance replied.

“Well, I’ll look forward to meeting him and seeing you and having a great night as well,” Dimity said.

“I’m sure it’ll be a lot of fun. Anyway, I can’t talk on the phone all day because I have to work today and so we’ll leave it at that for now and I’ll confirm tomorrow morning,” Lance said.

“Great! You have a good day, Lance.”

“You too.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

The moment Lance disconnected the call with Dimity, before he even had the chance to take a breath, the phone in his hand began ringing immediately. Looking at the display, he saw the familiar name - Victor. A grimace crossed his face and he knew he did not want to answer the call. It had nothing to do with their friendship, which had never been anything other than tight. In truth, it was all about the reason he had left it so long since he had last spoken with Victor.

Lance did not want to admit Victor had been right. It was not about how Victor would react. Lance knew Victor would not be smug about it and in fact, he was certain Victor would be nothing but supportive. What it was about was the knowledge that once he started talking about love; Victor would find a way to get him to open up.

Lance did not want to reveal everything that was going on inside his heart and head. Victor had the ability to see details as a big picture and the last thing Lance wanted was to here that his hopes of a tomorrow with Dayton were foolish. Lance put a great deal of stock in Victor’s opinions but Dayton had become so important that Lance feared what Victor would say.

“Vic, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Why?”

“Because you never call me in the morning,” Lance said.

“You’ve never left it this long between calls, Lance. I’m phoning you because I wanted to check and make sure everything was okay with you,” Victor replied.

“Right,” Lance said but his tone sounded disinterested and disassociated.

Victor recognized what was happening immediately. When Lance was worrying about something and someone questioned him, he always said nothing was wrong. Sometimes Lance came across as curt or dismissive but Victor had learned to take that with a grain of salt and continue to dig.

Victor pushed, “So? Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, Vic,” Lance said in monotone.

“Its Dayton, he’s what’s bothering you, isn’t he,” Victor said.

“What? Nothing’s bothering me and certainly not Dayton.”

“Lance, you know you can’t con me so why do you even bother to try. Tell me what’s going on,” Victor said.

Lance gave an extended sigh but finally replied, “It’s nothing really, Vic. I’m going to tell Dayton I’m gay when he gets home from work this afternoon. I guess I’m a little apprehensive about it. That’s all.”

“Lance, that’s not all. We both know that’s only part of it.”

“Fuck, Vic, do you even know how much you piss me off?”

Victor laughed and said, “Come on, you know you’ll feel better if you talk to me about it.”

Lance sighed again and said, “All right!” Inhaling deeply, Lance forced himself and said, “You were right and I was a fool and I’ve fallen in love with him.”

“I always wondered who’d be the first. I’m happy for you, Lance, even if it’s not starting out the way you probably would’ve hoped,” Victor said kindly.

“Starting out? Nothing’s started and I doubt anything is going to happen. Half the time I think I’m living in some unlikely fantasy,” Lance replied.

Victor said, “So now you feel like time is of the essence?”

Lance did not know what Victor meant and yet he felt a sense that the question was somehow relevant and so he asked, “Why do you always have to talk in riddles, Vic?”

“I’m not. I just know that because of your revelation and admitting to yourself how you feel about Dayton, you now feel like you have to rush to tell him you’re gay?”

“How the fuck do you always know my little background thoughts?”

“Lance, telling him will be a good thing because all the pieces will fall into place the way they should be. Whether the outcome is good or bad, it’ll be the right thing to do.”

“Yeah, I believe that’s the case,” Lance said.

“Any changes in how you’re looking at Dayton?”

“What are you talking about, Vic?”

“Do you still think he’s straight?”

Irritated, Lance said, “You know, Vic, when people have conversations, they generally go from point A to point B to point C. Not you, though. You pull a rabbit out of a hat, which always manages to be relevant. How on earth do you manage to skip so much of the conversation and come up with this shit?”

“I have a lot of time to think, Lance. I’ve turned my analysis of other people’s lives into an art form. When you don’t have a life like I don’t, objective perspectives become very clear. You begin to see the way things connect but Lance, answer the question and tell me what you think.”

Lance huffed before he said, “Okay. Yesterday Dayz told me…”

Victor interrupted loudly, “Dayz?”

“It’s what I call Dayton,” Lance clarified.

“Oh Lance, you’ve got it bad,” Victor said.

“Shut up,” Lance replied.

“My lips are sealed, go on,” Victor said.

“Your lips sealed? That’d be a first and so maybe there really is hope in life. Anyway, yesterday Dayton told me about his life. I’m not going to tell you everything right now, I’ll tell you the story later but from what I learned, though I’m still not one hundred percent sure about his sexuality, I found out he had a relationship with a guy.”

“No kidding?”

“No but it’s not all cut and dried. There was a whole bunch of other stuff surrounding how that came to be. Unfortunately, in truly tragic circumstances, Jamey, the guy Dayton was with, died. In essence, that was how he ended up in San Diego and living here with me. Anyway, gay or not and regardless of my desires, Dayton doesn’t know I’m gay and because it’s bothering me so much, that has to be my major concern. I need him to know and so today is going to be the day.”

“Lance, how long are you going to leave it between that step and your next step?”

“I suppose you think I should know what you’re talking about, Vic?”

“Lance, as much as you know you should have told him you were gay in the beginning and as much as you’ve known you needed to tell him sooner rather than later, after learning what you learnt yesterday, now you’re filled with a sense of urgency to get it done. The reason you’re feeling that sense of urgency, is so you have a better chance to be with the man who’s stolen your heart,” Victor explained, all too clearly and accurately.

“How could you possibly know a single thought that went through my mind only yesterday,” Lance asked with obvious irritation.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Lance. Of course I didn’t know you thought that yesterday. I simply understand that now you’ve admitted to yourself that you’re in love with Dayton, which therefore means you want to be with him almost desperately, tells me your mind is going to start considering any and all ways to pull him further into your life” Victor said.

“Vic, he doesn’t know I’m gay, he doesn’t know I’m in love with him and he doesn’t know how much I want his naked body in bed with me. On top of that, Dayton doesn’t even know if he’s gay. He said to me yesterday that he didn’t consider himself to be straight or gay. He actually referred to himself as technically bisexual. Every rational thought tells me I should leave him alone and let him sort it out so he can become the man he’s going to be. There’s a large voice inside of me telling me not to try to enforce my needs onto him. Knowing that, still I’m thinking that once I tell him I’m gay, I’ll have a better chance of starting something with him. Something about the way I’m thinking seems almost deceptive and wrong,” Lance admitted.

“Lance, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re thinking. When people fall in love, they think about ways to bring circumstances into their favor. Considering all the things you’re feeling and the many things you’re thinking you want to say to him while believing you can’t, how could those unspoken thoughts seem anything else but deceptive?”

“I guess,” Lance said softly.

“I know you and I know you probably said to yourself, ‘one step at a time’ and that was why I said to you what I did. Look Lance, I’m going to put this in the simplest terms I can. ‘Slow and steady wins the race’ and ‘one step at a time’ are very smart concepts to work with. You don’t know for certain if he’s gay, you don’t know at all if he wants more from you than friendship and so in essence, all you can do is let whatever is going to be between you, grow.

“Tell him you’re gay this afternoon like you planned. You’re thinking the right things and doing the right things and that’s all you should do. Once that’s done, Dayton will see you for every part of who you really are because then nothing will be hidden. That knowledge will give him the ability to know exactly where he stands with how he really feels, whatever that may be.

“I can promise you one thing, Lance, once he knows all of you, you’ll know the true Dayton because of how he reacts. With all my heart I hope he shows the face you want to see.”

Lance swallowed hard and he instantly thought how much he loved Victor. He was a true friend. Lance knew that though he felt nothing more than friendship for Victor, Victor had always felt more for him. Lance thought that silent knowledge was one of those parts of life that were hard. Knowing a person loved you more than you loved the person, it could make you want to withdraw.

Five years ago, when Lance really began to know himself and made the choices for the path he wanted to walk in life, he had moved in with Victor as a consequence of the struggles and arguments he was having with his parents. Victor and he were best friends but their relationship had evolved into fuck buddies as well. A short time after Lance came out to his parents and their relationship with him fell apart, Victor told him out of the blue he was in love with him. Lance did not feel the same and with everything that was going on as his world began to change, the pressure he felt from Victor’s feelings was one of the determining factors for why he left Seattle.

Lance never had to completely cut Victor out of his life, though. Victor knew the reality and so he adjusted the expression of his love to friendship. Heartbreak, desire and words of love were replaced by respect, consideration and concern, with every phone call that followed. It took nearly twelve months before their friendship returned to being completely sincere. Five years later, though, Lance knew that what Victor had just said was still hard for him to say.

“Thanks, Vic, that means a lot.”

It really did hurt for Victor to give his blessing because until now, Lance had never met someone that would make the vain hopes Victor still held onto, die. He felt an ache in his chest but with an enforced tone of indifference, along with a need to get off the phone, he said, “Well, now that I know you’re okay, I’ll let you get on with your day. Don’t leave it so long, Lance. Call me again in a couple days, okay?”

“I promise, Vic.”

“Talk soon,” Victor said and ended the call.

Lance pulled the phone from his ear and looked at the display to make sure the call had definitely disconnected. As he did, he saw the time in the top corner of the screen and said, “Shit.” He then began rushing around hurriedly, knowing if he did not get his ass moving, he would end up being late for work. He was on the lunch shift again but even though he had awoken so early, talking on the phone had seen time fly by at the speed of light. Finally ready and after leaving the house, as he drove through the late morning sun, he considered how he would go about bringing up the issue with Dayton when he got home.

To be continued...

Posted: 07/07/17