Finding Dayton Du'it

By: Solo Voice
(© 2017 by the author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

solo_voice@tickiestories.us

Chapter 11: Uncertainty And Clarity. 

Following a story that revealed Dayton in a light Lance had never perceived him, Lance felt even more connected to Dayton. After Lance had made them both a coffee, they again sat on the couch and because Dayton was still quite subdued after telling his story, they sat close together in a type of contemplation for some time.

For much of that time in silence, Lance could not stop thinking about finally coming out to his friend. He believed as he considered it however, the problem was how to explain why he had not told him and why he had left it so long.

When they eventually began to talk again, even though Lance thought it was time, he worried that maybe it was not really the best time. He thought he should give Dayton at least a couple of hours until Dayton’s mood returned to a modicum of normality. As a consequence, Lance decided to ask some questions to get some clarification on certain things he had been curious about.

“So tell me, Dayz, what you said, does that mean you lived in a motel for the three months before you moved in here with me?”

“Yeah but it was more like I existed in that motel. After I got my new job, everyday I went to work and then went back to my room. I bought my weights and started working out all the time. It was a quiet time and a time I spent more inside my head then out of it. I focused on work and working out and hoped that eventually I’d stop thinking so much. After about a month I started pushing myself and I occasionally went out to pick up women and get laid,” he explained.

Lance asked, “So you had no friends during all of that time?”

“Well, the only people I knew were the guys at work but back then because I was the new kid on the block, they were really just acquaintances. I guess even now they’re still just acquaintances. I met a guy one night when I went out to find a woman for sex and he was the guy that helped me move my stuff in here. We met up occasionally but it was always about someone to drink with while we searched for women. He’s a good guy but we’re not really friends. Still, it was very kind of him to be willing to help me move my stuff. The only real friend I’ve made since I moved to San Diego is you, Lance,” Dayton said.

There it was again, an honest reference to sincere friendship. Lance scolded himself immediately for never having told Dayton he was gay. He wanted to blurt it out immediately but still he thought that now was not the best time. It was not just about Dayton’s mood, it was also about the worry that Dayton might think that Lance had a hidden agenda, which was one of the things Dayton had referred to on the beach, about all people wanting something from him. Lance knew he wanted something more but now he knew he wanted Dayton in his life, in whatever way he could have him.

“There’s something I don’t understand, Dayz. You said that you lived in a motel for the first three months of your stay but then you said you needed that guy to help you move your things in here. How could you have things if you were living in a motel?”

“Well, as I mentioned earlier, when I came here I hired a storage unit for a few things I brought with me. While I was living in the motel, I knew I was going to need more stuff when I found a real place to live and so I bought a bed and the table for my computer and also that bookcase over there between the front window and front door. My crockery, cutlery and all my kitchen stuff were also there. Most of that stuff was Jamey’s and so because I didn’t want it cramming up the room, it was in the storage unit. All I had to do was pay my bill at the motel and then get Gerard to help me get the stuff and bring it here,” he explained.

At some point just after the sun had set, Lance stood to go to the toilet but when he returned, Dayton had repositioned the furniture and was no longer in the room. While in the bathroom, Lance decided it was time to tell Dayton he was gay, however, when he located him he was in the kitchen, cooking a stir-fry for dinner and thankfully, in a more light-hearted mood. Unfortunately, because Dayton was busy and concentrating on what he was doing, Lance put it off again.

Lance began wandering around the house, pacing more than wandering really, a feeling that he had to get it done but also worried that if he did come out to him, Dayton might think he was only telling him because he had been involved in a relationship with Jamey. Lance did not want Dayton to think he had a secret agenda, even though that was not so far from the truth. It was not the only truth, though. He wanted Dayton to know for all the right reasons as well.

Walking into his bedroom, Lance turned on his computer to write and pass time but as it was starting up, he felt like he needed some fresh air. He felt claustrophobic, as he tangled himself up in knots regarding why he should tell Dayton immediately and why he should not. Without turning the computer off, he walked back into the living room and was stepping out onto the deck when he heard the front door opening.

Turning around, Lance saw Kat’s smiling face. He was happy to see her but his first clear thought was that ten minutes earlier he had wanted to talk to her but she was not at home. In his frustration due to his confusion and uncertainty, he reacted to her appearance rather than offering her a greeting.

“Where have you been? You’ve been gone for over twenty-four hours,” he said.

“Sorry Dad, I didn’t realize I was grounded or on a curfew,” Kat replied and they both heard Dayton laughing from the kitchen.

Realizing Dayton was there as well and with some intuitive dichotomy telling her Lance’s reaction was connected, her head jerked back to Lance and she took in his tense appearance and distant eyes. She dashed quietly across the room and whispered, “Have you told him?”

Lance shook his head.

“Are you about to?”

“I was going to but something happened and I’m unsure if I should,” Lance replied.

Kat looked at him curiously but as she was about to question him, Dayton walked out of the kitchen, smiling and happy to see her and ready to engage her.

“Hi,” Kat said.

Dayton said with both a happy and hopeful tone of voice, “Hi Kat, I’m cooking dinner, are you going to join us?”

Kat turned and looked at Lance wondering if she should but it was all too close quarters for eye agreement or disagreement and she knew that Dayton would see it if it happened. She was also hungry and so she said yes.

“Great,” Dayton replied and returned to the kitchen.

“It’s cool,” Lance said quietly.

“Give me a nudge if you want me gone,” Kat said.

“Somehow I feel like it would be wrong to tell him tonight,” Lance replied.

“Why?”

“Because today, well, Dayton told me…”

“Dinner is served,” Dayton called, causing Lance to trail off without a conclusion.

“I’ll tell you later,” Lance said and then they walked to Kat’s table in the kitchen, which Dayton had set.

Lance asked jokingly, still attempting to maintain Dayton’s better mood, “Do you even know how to cook, Dayz? Should we be worried about food poisoning?”

“Fuck you, Lance. It might be an idea if you only open that cake hole to put my food into it,” he replied.

“Smells good,” Kat said and moments later they were all seated and eating a delicious meal.

“Dayz, I apologize. This is really good. Who taught you to cook like this?”

“Jamey,” Dayton said and Lance winced for unintentionally bringing up a subject he had already decided to avoid.

Kat asked, “Who’s Jamey?”

“A special friend of mine, someone who is unfortunately no longer with us. It’s a long story but maybe I’ll tell you another time, Kat.”

“At least you’ve got one skill, Dayz. Maybe it proves you’re not just a dumb jock,” Lance said, trying to keep Dayton’s mood up, if the thought of Jamey was going to bring him down.

“Ohio, don’t take any notice of him. He’s probably just jealous because he probably can’t cook. I’m yet to see any skills from him at all, other than tapping keys on a keyboard,” Kat said.

“I can turn my hand in a kitchen,” Lance defended.

Kat asked dubiously, “So when do you plan on cooking for us?”

“It works both ways, Kat. You also haven’t shown us any domestic duties in this room and let’s face it, it is, after all, the room most suitable to your gender,” Lance shot back, grinning smugly.

Kat looked at Lance but there was no animosity in her eyes. She grinned and said, “Darling, tomorrow, could you pop out front and fix my car?”

Dayton snorted and almost coughed up his mouthful of food.

“Dayz, that wasn’t funny.”

“Yes, Lance, it was. It was very funny because I was wondering, even if you could fix a car, would it be enough of an impetus to get you out of the chair in front of the computer?”

Kat chuckled and Lance glared at her, even though it was all for show. He turned back to Dayton and said, “Don’t forget to work out after eating, Dayz, you’re muscles look like rolls of fat.”

Dayton looked down at his body to check on the state of his physique and it made the other’s laugh. He looked back at them with an unimpressed expression and said, “This is the last time I’ll cook for you guys, both of you can starve for all I care. Both of you are nothing more than uncivilized riff raff.”

“We should have a cook off, you know, to find out how far behind you and I Lance actually is,” Kat said directly to Dayton.

Dayton replied, “Kat, I don’t know that we should. I mean, why would we want to embarrass him so blatantly?”

“Them there’s fightin’ words, Dayz. Tomorrow I’m cooking dinner and the next night it’ll be your turn, Kat. We’ll see who the star in this house is and I’ll expect you both to bow and kiss my feet,” Lance said.

“I’ll cook again on Wednesday because this was a swift throw together with no thought. You’ve both already praised me for it so I think I should show you what I’m really capable of,” Dayton said smugly.

“Let the games begin, Kat said.

***

After dinner, Dayton went to his bedroom while Kat and Lance washed and dried the dishes. Everything was very quiet and so Lance began to tell Kat what had happened that day and how he was feeling now.

***

What Lance did not know was that as Dayton was going to his bedroom, he looked into Lance’s room and saw something on the computer screen that caught his attention. Dayton felt guilty for going into Lance’s room uninvited or without his knowledge but his curiosity got the better of him. He sat down at Lance’s desk and stared at his name on the computer. He wondered why Lance would name a file Dayton and he wondered what it was. At first he thought maybe it had something to do with the rent or the household but then he realized it was a Word file.

Intrigued, his hand moved to the mouse and he double clicked on the icon above his name. The document opened and there in front of him was a page of text. He wondered if Lance was writing a story about him and the thought made him ten times more curious. He could no longer stop himself and he began reading.

***

Lance had been talking softly though non-stop since Dayton had left them alone in the kitchen. He had told Kat everything, from his reaction the night before about Heidi, to how he had almost lost his mind the following morning. He then followed on with a shaved variation of the story Dayton had told him.

“I don’t think you should tell him I told you about Jamey. Normally I wouldn’t have divulged something so personal but Kat, I needed to talk to you about all of this and so I wanted you to understand before I asked you what you think I should do?”

“Oh, the poor man. He must have been absolutely devastated,” Kat said.

“Kat, he was crying in my arms this afternoon.”

“I’m not surprised. It’s one thing to lose someone you love but to watch the person die so horribly, right in front of your eyes, well, I can only imagine how that scene has been following him around. No wonder he thinks his heart doesn’t work anymore. On top of that, he’s now become so lost or maybe detached, he doesn’t know who or what he is.”

“Kat, in a way I just want to tell him I’m gay. I think to myself that it will show him with certainty that I hold no negative attitude about him being with Jamey. I mean I told him as much but it’s easy for people to say things and I wonder if he truly believes me. I also have a hope in mind, which is my desire to have him know I’m gay so he might consider me. Then I think what if he’s right? What if he is straight and it was just one random occurrence in his life?”

“Lance, I understand where you’re coming from but when it comes right down to the fundamentals, Dayton doesn’t know one of the major pieces of the man you are. No matter how you want him in your life, surely it’s important that he knows you, like you now know him?”

“Yeah, you’re right again, Kat.”

“Okay, well it’s just a matter of when. Tonight, tomorrow or whenever but I still think the sooner the better and not just for me. Honestly, I get the feeling it’ll happen at the right time but whatever that time might be, I still think it’ll be for the best. I hope it also gives you what you want,” Kat said and smiled.

“Thanks Kat. I have to say that everything else aside, now that I’ve accepted that you were right and also that my childish tantrums of last night and this morning are over, there is a constant hope in my heart and mind that has been there since Dayton told me his story. I feel like if he said the word, I could easily fall into his arms.”

Kat smiled and said, “Well, I hope you get what you desire but I can’t help myself and I have to say, I told you so.”

“Bitch,” Lance said.

“Idiot,” Kat replied.

***

Dayton was stunned. He could not believe what he was reading. During the time they had known each other, on the odd occasion he silently questioned Lance’s sexuality but he always thought it was just a matter of his own desire to have someone like Jamey again.

After reading the first entry, he knew without doubt that Lance was gay but it also sounded like Lance thought he was just a hot piece of ass to hook-up with. Immediately he questioned that thought, simply because he felt like there was more between the lines than met the eye. The other thing that really caught Dayton’s attention was the extreme detail of the way Lance had described him. It seemed as if there had not been an inch of him that Lance had not looked at and taken a mental photograph of. It made Dayton very happy.

The intensity increased, though, while Dayton was reading the second entry. It was still sexual but there was definitely more to it. Lance’s uncertainty and also the extreme importance he placed on him made Dayton smile again. Then, when he realized that both he and Lance had been aware of what had happened that night skinny-dipping, he again knew there was more to it all. He did wonder why Lance thought, ‘danger, idiot and caution,’ however, he felt excited that Lance had wanted him.

Dayton scrolled and yet a third entry to this diary or whatever it was, suddenly came into view. This time, though, it was written only the night before. He stared at the page and began reading again.

Saturday, May 17.

I think, right at this moment, I’m losing my mind. All day today while Dayton was at work, Kat kept telling me I was deluding myself and that I was in love with Dayton. From the moment she first said it this morning, I denied it like she was the one that was delusional but as the day went on and we talked like old friends as we lay on the beach, I just couldn’t get Dayton out of my mind. After Kat left to go out this evening, I’ve spent the entire night in this room. With every second and minute and then hour that fell into the past, slowly the truth began to reveal itself to me.

It’s amazing how simply accepting something can change everything. I honestly didn’t believe I was in love with him and then for the entire time on the beach, Kat wouldn’t shut up about it. It was only three or four hours but it was all that was needed for the curtains to open and for me to see what was playing out on stage.

It’s late at night now, Dayton’s come home with a woman and is in his bed fucking her and right at this moment, I now know with absolute certainty that I’ve fallen so fast, so deep and so hard for Dayton, I can’t see any way to escape this truth or to stop my need for him. Shit, it hurts.

As I consider the last couple weeks in retrospect, specifically when I relate every moment with Dayton to that one moment in the ocean that night, all the feelings I was feeling are so very clear to me now. I now know that every time he stands beside me or sits beside me and especially when our bodies touch, I feel electricity run through me. How could I have dismissed the feelings so easily? I can hardly breathe and I want him to take me in his arms and kiss me. I honestly thought it was just lust. I guess as a generalization I’m versatile and yet, every time I’m with him, I know I want him to enter my body. I want to give myself to him so completely that it’s like I want him to own me. Usually with guys my first thought is to pitch and then depending on the guy I’ll consider catching but with Dayton, hell, since the beginning I’ve wanted him to captain the team and make all the plays. How could I have not seen the obvious and how could I have denied all of these feelings were inside of me?

When Dayton speaks, everything else is soundless or at least, unimportant. He only has to look at me and suddenly I have no skeletal frame in my body. I feel like I’m going to become liquid and ooze all over the floor. He has become my night and my day and I love him like no one and nothing else. I now understand what Kat meant when she asked me if I had ever met a man that I would give up everything for. At the time I thought she was talking shit but as this day progressed and I began to believe and also with what is happening at this very moment, I now know I would indeed give up everything for him, even though it seems irrational and somehow unreal.

I hate you, you bitch. Shut your Swedish mouth. If there is such a thing as God, turn me into a Swedish woman named Heidi and place me naked beneath Dayton. I am so jealous of her and I hate her and she’s breaking my heart. How can I hate someone I don’t know and have never met? I guess I don’t really hate her but the green of this envy is so deep and so dark and all of her satisfied sounds are making me wish that Dayton were making love to me and not her.

So I guess now I know for sure that he’s straight. I knew it all along and I’ve told myself all along but still I let myself love him, fall in love with him and now I’ve let him break my heart. I’m such a fool and now I’m certain it was indeed a fool’s paradise.

Shit, it’s just occurred to me, Vic knew and could see it and he wasn’t even in the same state. Kat knew it and could see it and she had only just met me. Fuck, I must be an oblivious moron just like they both suggested. Hell, did I need a divine entity to appear like an apparition and tell me? How big a sign did I need? It is so obvious to me right now. I love you, Dayton.

So now the decision is made. Tomorrow I’ll tell him what I should have told him on day one. Tomorrow I’ll tell him I’m gay and hopefully he’ll run screaming for the hills. What are my chances that the wonderful and good natured Dayton, could be a deeply homophobic asshole and one that will abuse me so nastily that I might begin to hate him?

For fuck’s sake, it’s time to wake up and move on. It’s time to get back to a Daytonless world or at least, a world where he’s just a guy living in the same house. Fuck, this is going to kill me.

Shut the fuck up, Heidi.”

Dayton fell back against the backrest of the chair. He could not believe how Lance had described the way he made him feel. Dayton’s cock had become erect when he was reading the things that Lance had written. He thought again about Lance saying he made electricity run through his body. He thought how Lance said that he made it hard for him to breathe. He thought of Lance wanting him to kiss him.

“Jesus, why didn’t you say something to me? I’d give you anything you want.”

Dayton’s eyes opened wide when he heard those words leave his own mouth. Deep down, he had thought all of his intense feelings concerning Lance, suggested he was falling for Lance but he had kept letting his mind put up all the roadblocks and all the reasons for why it was impossible and why they could not be together. It had seemed so unlikely but while reading these pages, he realized it was not unlikely at all and he was as crazy about Lance as Lance was about him. He started re-reading the one sentence that meant more to him than any other. ‘I love you, Dayton.’

In that exact moment, everything fell into place for Dayton. For most of his life he had just assumed he was straight. He had never thought about it or even considered it because his mind and heart had always been about his parents and his deeply seeded needs. He had wanted and needed so desperately but he had never thought that what it was he needed could lay elsewhere.

When he became a teenager, he followed everyone’s lead. Boys chased after girls and that was how it was. He had never question it, even when he discovered himself looking at other guys; he thought it was admiration, an appreciation of guys from an aesthetic perspective. He had not really been sexual, not until much later. When the time came and he found himself in the position with girls, he just did it.

Then he met Jamey. It had been so different. He really believed he was not gay and it was all about caring for one person in a way he never had. He also thought it was all about one person in his entire existence who cared about him.

In that moment, Dayton wondered why after Jamey died, he still did not consciously associate everything and wake up. For a time, all he knew was the grief and the loss but then when he started to move forward again, he just assumed he should go back to women. The women should have been a dead giveaway. Sure he fucked them and kissed them but every time it was empty.

“Then I met Lance,” he thought.

Dayton remembered how he thought Lance was handsome the moment he met him. He had felt the connection and the closeness in a way he did not even feel it with Jamey. From the start there had been something different, something so obvious but he had refused to let those feelings exist. At least until the night when he held Lance naked in the water in the dark. That night he had gotten so hard in bed. Even so, he still continued to push it all away. Dayton shook his head in self-disdain.

“I’ve probably screwed everything up by bringing Heidi home. Shit Lance, she was just a fuck to release the tension of how you’ve been making me feel. I fucking hate how blind I can be at times. Why don’t I ever see what I need to see? Now you think you have no chance with me. Damn it, Lance, you’re the only one who has a chance with me. Please don’t move on,” he thought.

Dayton suddenly remembered where he was and what he was doing. He closed the file, stood up and pushed the chair beneath the desk. He walked out of Lance’s room and into his own. He closed the door, thinking he needed to think some more. He lay on the bench and pushed the weights into the air. Pain, effort and focused thought. He was certain that would be where he would find his answer.

Minutes later, as Dayton struggled against gravity and steal he said, “Wait a minute. Lance, what did you think when I told you what I told you today? Didn’t that give you some clue?”

Dayton pushed the heavy weight hard. “Oh no, Heidi.” Her name and face flew into his mind like it was the meaning of life. “That’s why you didn’t say anything. You think I’m interested in her and not you. I don’t want her, Lance. I’m yours if you want me,” he said.

Dayton’s mind took flight with no direction. He wondered why Lance had written that he was going to tell him he was gay but had not.

“My story got in the way,” he whispered. “He’s probably as confused as all hell. Maybe I should say something but then again, maybe I shouldn’t. Come on, Dayton, after you met Jamey, you became more confident and you’ve been more forceful in your life. Maybe that’s how you need to be under these circumstances with Lance. Don’t wait for him to make a move. If you want him than go after him and try and make it happen.”

A few minutes later, Dayton said, “Jesus, I’m gay,” as finally the acceptance rang true.

Dayton put every last effort into lifting the heavy weight up into the air and as he lowered it down onto its perch he said, “Sleep on it and then make a decision tomorrow on what to do about all of this.”

Standing up, Dayton wiped a light sheen of sweat from his forehead and then he dropped his shorts and kicked them away. Naked and quite tired, he switched off the light and allowed his body to fall on his awaiting bed.

***

“Kat, I’ve got one final question for you. Tell me what you think now that you know this story. Do you think Dayton is gay or do you think he’s straight like he assumed after the fact?”

“It’s an interesting question, Lance. It’s also not an easy question to answer for certain. I mean as you know, like you, I didn’t think Dayton was gay but after that story I wondered as well. There are maybe two perspectives as far as I can see. The first is that he was right and it was just a one-time thing. Maybe it was all about someone finally giving him the love and consideration he needed. I mean it sounded like he would have done anything for some sincere attention. If that were the case then yeah, I can see how he would be straight but prepared to say he was bisexual.

“On the other side of the coin, though, he said to you he was emotionally stunted and therefore he was intellectually impaired. You also said he told you he wasn’t sexual until later. Maybe what he went through when he was young interfered with the unfolding of his sexuality at an earlier age. From what you told me it sounded like sex and his sexuality weren’t very influential. Therefore, he may have been gay and not known it. Maybe Jamey was life opening a door to something he needed to see or be aware of.

“Really, Lance, I have no idea. I think I’m hoping he’s gay for your sake and I’m thinking that because he took to Jamey so easily, it seems likely he’s gay but then again, there’s a very strong chance he was right in what he said to you and that he is actually straight.

“Drawing into the equation that he said he took women back to the motel and fucked them but he felt nothing, well that’s two-sided as well. Maybe because of how he grew up, he needs an intense connection to trust his feelings and so the women were just bodies to fuck. Maybe if he met a special woman she would give him what he needs. Then again, maybe he’s gay and another man could show him the truth?

“Lance, I really want to give you the answer you want but I honestly don’t know,” Kat said.

“I appreciate that, Kat. The truth is, I also thought everything you just said and I’m as uncertain as you are,” Lance replied and Kat nodded.

Once they were finished in the kitchen and they walked back into the living room, Kat turned to him and said, “Lance, I’m really sorry if you’re in the mood to talk some more but I’m really tired. Alisha and I were up so late last night and we were up early again this morning. It’s been a fairly hectic twenty-four hour period and I desperately need a good night’s sleep before work tomorrow.”

“Kat, don’t worry. It’s fine. I feel so much better now that I’ve spoken to you and that I have some perspective. You go to bed, sleep well and I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said.

“Thanks. Sleep well, Lance.”

“Sweet dreams,” he added.

Kat made her way down the hall, into her bedroom and as she was closing the door, she called out goodnight in case Dayton was awake. There was no response for whatever reason but Kat did not care. She was simply too tired and five minutes later she was in bed, in the dark and unconscious.

Lance found himself pacing from the hallway to the deck doors and back, over and over again. He really did feel better after talking with Kat but he also could not stop the question, “When should I do this?” It was one of those times when a person felt a need to get everything sorted out in an instant. He stopped at the hallway and stared at Dayton’s door. He wanted to go and knock but the whole house was now filled with the sound of silence.

Lance yawned heavily and knowing what an overwhelming day it had been, he thought maybe a relatively early night would do him the world of good. He locked up, switched off the lights and went to his bedroom. He closed the door and as he walked over to turn off his computer, just for a moment he caught the scent of Dayton like he was right there in his room.

Despite knowing he was in love with Dayton, he felt foolish. He thought that imagining he could smell Dayton in his room was akin to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He rolled his eyes and said, “Go to bed, Lance” and then did as he told himself to do.

To be continued...

Posted: 06/30/17