Finding Dayton Du'it

By: Solo Voice
(© 2017 by the author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

solo_voice@tickiestories.us

Chapter 10: A Truth Be Told.

It was almost fifteen minutes later when Lance and Dayton were lying comfortably on the beach. Lance had made their coffees in travel cups and they were almost finished them. They were both lying on their bellies and staring at the ocean. Their faces showed that at that moment there was no anxiety and they both seemed incredibly at ease. For the time being, their respective conversations were on hold and they were both extremely happy just being with each other.

There was one thing that occurred to Lance as he lay happily beside Dayton. He considered how he had allowed his rational state of mind to fly out the figurative window that morning and also, how his nature and character had become strangers to him. He cared about Dayton so much and yet he had yelled at him, sworn at him and wanted to escape his presence. Five minutes later, with a few words and a disappointed expression, suddenly he was Dayton’s puppy on a leash.

“You can’t deny it now,” Lance thought but he dismissed the thought and focused on the beautiful day and pleasant nature of their surroundings. He then thought they should go for a swim.

“We should go in for a swim,” Dayton said.

“Wow, I think you just extracted that thought from my mind. I was thinking exactly that.”

“Two great minds think alike,” Dayton replied.

“Well, one great mind and one well below average jock mind.”

“Careful, Buddy, this time I’ll dump your ass under the waves and drown you for real.”

“No Dayz, you won’t. A dumb-ass like you needs as many friends as he can get,” Lance said and then he was up and running, laughing loudly and sprinting toward the water.

Lance had no chance, not that he had expected anything less. Dayton was fast and had caught him before he had gotten halfway down the beach. He tackled him to the sand before he stood up and then once again he lifted Lance and threw him over his shoulder.

Dayton carried Lance’s weight as if he were carrying no extra weight at all. Lance was yelling at him to put him down but his reaction was all an act. What was happening was exactly what he wanted to happen. All Lance could do was laugh, as Dayton ignored his faux pleas.

Dayton walked into the water but this time he did not dive and he did not dump Lance. He lowered him onto his feet and then left him standing there, as he dived and swam out into the depths.

Lance stared at the departing diver and then the practiced swimmer and all he could think was “Why?” He had been totally prepared for Dayton to catch him, pick him up and then dump his ass. He thought, “That scenario would have been fun but this, this is what? Special? A friend? What is this about?”

“Hey, are you going to stand there like a statue in water? Come on Lance, swim out here with me.”

Lance smiled. There was nowhere else he wanted to be then with Dayton and swimming was one of the physical pursuits he was happy to do. He dived and swam and moments later he was wading beside the first man to ever seize his heart and hold it captive.

For a few extended moments they waded in silence while staring toward the beach. These were important moments for Lance because being alone with Dayton even though he had realized he was in love with him, now he could feel his heart beating in his chest for the handsome man beside him. He simply could not stop his eyes from surreptitiously glancing over at the parts of Dayton above the surface of the water. Something about the tiny beads of water on his big shoulders, about Dayton’s lips being so wet and red and then there was an almost tranquil look in those deep, dark eyes. Lance wanted to reach out and touch him, he wanted to tell him he loved him and beyond any other desire, he wanted to kiss those wet, red lips.

Dayton said, “Isn’t this great? You and me together, the sun, sea and sand?”

“It sure is, Dayz. We’ll have to make a habit of this,” Lance replied.

“Does that mean I can come into your room at seven in the morning, carry you down to the shore and give you a wake up dunking?”

“Does your life mean anything to you, Dayz?”

“What? Lance, I was going to say six o’clock but I gave you an hours grace.”

“Dayz, I’ll set the rules here and now. Air temperature, no less than seventy-five degrees, water temperature, no less than sixty-five degrees and time, no earlier then ten o’clock. Finally, you’re not allowed to dump my ass at all. Are we clear?”

“Huh? Brains of a football, remember?”

“Dayz, I swear I’ll kill you if you try it.”

Dayton gave Lance a grin that said, “Well, you’ll try” and then he swam back toward the shore.

“Dayz,” Lance yelled repetitively, as he chased him all the way back to their towels. By the time he caught up to him, Dayton was lying on his back, his eyes closed and the sun beaming down on his beautiful, wet body. Lance had been going to continue telling him he was not allowed to dump his ass early in the morning, however, as he stared at the muscular physique set off by the tight, red Speedo with a thick, noticeable bulge, his previous train of thought was lost. Lance dropped onto his towel and continued to stare at Dayton.

“So Lance, I decided to tell you what I wasn’t ready to tell you before,” Dayton said without opening his eyes.

“Dayz, you don’t have to.”

“I know but Lance, I really want to. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and it always comes down to the fact that I want you to know every part of who I am. I feel like I’m hiding something from my friend. Actually, I feel even closer to you than that. It’s more like brothers. No, not even that, it’s something more.”

While Dayton’s eyes remain closed, which he felt made it easier for him to tell his story; Lance’s eyes were now wide open with surprise. What Dayton had said felt like the greatest compliment he had ever received. Despite what he felt was an incredible compliment, Lance felt guilty for thinking that even a brother-like relationship with Dayton was not enough.

“Lance, I may struggle with this but please hear me out to the end and I hope you can still accept me as your friend when I’m done.”

“Always,” Lance said and he watched Dayton’s mouth form a smile in response.

“Before I really begin, first you need to know that when we talked during the first week after I moved in, even though everything I said was fundamentally true, I also took a vague approach to what I told you. If I’d been detailed, it would’ve raised questions that at the time I wasn’t ready or prepared to answer. Lance, I think I’m ready now.”

“Dayz, I understand and I’m sure I’ll be able to put the pieces together.”

“The second thing you need to know is that I was not the man you know today. I was very alone when I was a little boy and a teenager. The thing was, I didn’t grow up the way many kids do.

“Damn it, I just know how some of this story is going to sound and so that’s the reason I need to explain these few things to you first. You see, the real point of what I need to tell you, only occurred last year. As a consequence, because that means I was twenty-three at the time, many of my thoughts, decisions and actions are going to sound very odd to you. You need to understand that I was psychologically a kid in a man’s body,” he said.

With a look of a man who did not understand, Lance stared at Dayton hard. He had no idea what he meant and because Dayton’s eyes were closed, Lance could find no facial expression to glean more information.

“Dayz, I don’t really understand but now that you’ve said what you’ve said, just tell me and hopefully it’ll make more sense to me.”

“Okay but finally, Lance, I want you to know there was nothing specifically wrong with me. I mean I’m not and I wasn’t mentally unwell. I was psychologically impaired emotionally. What I mean by that is that because no one ever really gave a damn, well, even though I was growing up physically, I wasn’t growing up emotionally and so it impaired the way I thought intellectually. These days, though, all of that has fundamentally changed and so I’m the man you now know,” Dayton said.

“I’ll try and keep that in mind,” Lance replied.

“Okay. So when I was living in Portland, there was one person I met who was not a part of the rest of my life. This story is mainly about that person and so I want to begin with how we met. Firstly, though, the reason we met has a lot to do with the point in my life I was at, which was in the main, because of my parents.

“When I first really talked to you about my parents, I told you I was never good enough for them but there was so much more to it. For whatever the reason, my parents weren’t emotional people. Everything was about money and social status. They had to have the perfect house and the perfect car and a career that was about power and influence. To this day I still wonder why they even bothered to have a child.

“From as far back as I can remember my parent’s expectations were all that they cared about. Their expectations also applied where I was concerned. I don’t remember either of them ever holding me or telling me they loved me. When I reached an age of what I guess was rational thought, I had learned to react the way they wanted me to. If it made them smile, then that was how I reacted. The thing is, the older I got the more needy I became and the less they smiled.

“By the time my adolescence had come and gone, all I knew for certain was I was unhappy, I felt lost and like some key part of me was missing. I felt unimportant, unworthy and thought there must be something wrong with me. I wanted something but I didn’t know what it was because I’d never received it. I became really shy and withdrawn and the need inside of me consumed me twenty-four seven. Today I know what I needed was love and attention but back then that was alien to me.

“Those were the reasons why I also never had a real friend. I talked to kids in the neighborhood and at school but while they all had friends; I was there but not really there. Eventually, even though the need for something remained insidiously constant within me, I accepted it as the way of my world. I suppose I should have realized when I saw other parents hugging their children but I just looked at those interactions as strange.

“Things began to change for the first time when I started playing sport. It was the only thing that always made me happy and smile. It brought to light my competitive nature and with time, sport became my friend and my family. I focused on it and it gave me something back without a selfish requirement. My parents always wanted something from me, whatever the expectation and my so called friends, who began to appear as I became successful in every sport in and out of school, well, as I said, I was their key to popularity. Despite sport and my popularity, I was unbelievably shy and introverted.”

“It’s hard to understand that from what I know of you now,” Lance said.

“I told you I’d seem strange to you,” Dayton replied.

“I believe you, Dayz. It’s just that looking at the man you are and knowing you the way I do, it’s hard to comprehend,” he clarified.

“Lance, from my perspective, everyone expected something from me and by the time I was seventeen, I didn’t give a shit about any of them. Ironically, the only people I did care about were my parents and so though I was beginning to hate them, I wanted them to love me, to show me attention and to tell me they were proud of me.”

“I understand,” Lance said.

“It may sound shitty to talk about my parents this way but I’m not lying or exaggerating when I say they really didn’t care. Well, outside of their expectations that I ace school and then go on to become a specialist doctor or a Supreme Court judge or whatever. In my mind for years, the whole situation became a confused obsession and it plagued me so much that I became sort of frozen in that place, right up to the age of twenty-three.

“Lance, that’s what I meant when I said I was a boy inside a man’s body. There I was, twenty-three, still living at home with my parents and blindly waiting for them to hug me and say well done. It was something that was never going to happen, particularly by that point because apart from sport, my education was a disaster. I went to school and I went to class but year after year I remained in the low percentile of my classes. I showed no aptitude for anything but sport.

“When my education was over or at least on the day they saw my final grades, they looked at them, looked at me and though I was expecting some explosion; instead what I received were shakes of their heads and a roll of eyes and then they walked away and left me standing alone in silence. Following that day, they spoke to me only when they needed to and they fundamentally ignored me. I felt it was a punishment. Maybe it was or maybe it wasn’t but after months of silent treatment, I began to expect nothing less. I wondered if they would ever really speak to me again.

“I swear that for the five years that followed school, my parents hardly spoke to me and basically ignored me, which only made me feel worse. I sank deeper into myself, spent all of my time alone whether inside or outside but I have to admit that most of my time was alone at home. About a year after school I decided to join a gym but outside of that, even sport was gone from my life. It was the worse time of my life up to that point.”

“Holy shit. That’s fucking wrong and unbelievable,” Lance said.

“Anyway, just over twelve months ago, it all began boiling up to the surface. I wasn’t working or trying to get a job and I had no motivation to do anything. My parents were angry with me and I was like a ghost in my own home. Seemingly from out of nowhere, I couldn’t take it anymore and I felt like it was all closing in on me. I wanted to change everything and leave home but I was scared. I was so disassociated from everything and everyone and I didn’t know what to do or where to start.

“One day I went for a really long walk. I walked for hours and as I walked I wondered what was wrong with me, why no one really cared about me and also how I could change my life. I was so completely alone.

“The one thing I wanted more than anything else in life was to be closely connected to someone. I really believed there had to be a reason no one cared and so my conclusion was there was something wrong with me. Irrespective of that conclusion, I still hoped and wished that one day, someone would want to spend time with me without a selfish agenda. You know, someone to know me, understand me and still care enough to want me around.”

“That is so hard for me to believe but go on, keep going,” Lance said.

“After walking for hours I got tired and I stopped in a park and lay down. The sun was shining down on me, a comfortable breeze was blowing over me and my surroundings were perfect. Even so, I felt so unhappy and alone. Frustrated, I opened my eyes and sat up. I was resigned that my life sucked and nothing would ever change. I was about to get up and start walking home when I found myself staring back at a guy who was staring at me and not looking away.

“Lance, what I say next is going to show you how immature I was and how I was walking through my life like a young and needy kid. An adult would have thought what are you looking at and probably asked the same question. For me at the time, though, the oddest thought entered my mind, which was that the guy wanted a staring contest. If you read between the lines, you might see that I wanted something so badly, unconsciously I was looking for it anywhere and trying to make it happen.

“I’ve already told you I can be really competitive and so I wasn’t surprised when the thought kick started my competitive nature. Unexpectedly my eyes were really locked onto his. I crossed my legs, made myself comfortable, focused my breathing and started to really stare back. I started to get confident and to think I would make him so uncomfortable that he would look away. It didn’t happen, though.”

Dayton still had not opened his eyes but unexpectedly he started snickering. Lance smiled in response when he assumed Dayton’s memory was taking him back to the day. Lance was also pleased to see the contented look on Dayton’s face. It was a light moment in what so far seemed laden with hurt. It made Lance happy to see the apparent delight.

“I kid you not, Lance, the staring continued for around twenty minutes.”

“Sorry to interrupt but how far apart were you sitting?”

“He was sitting maybe ten feet away from me, probably less. We were pretty close for two strangers in a mostly empty park. I mean really, surely I should have thought, why are you this close to me and why are you staring at me when there is an entire park where you could be sitting?

“Anyway, after a long time he was like granite. He didn’t blink, his facial expression didn’t alter and not one part of his body even shifted. At that point, the reality of what was happening suddenly began to become apparent and I started to find it amusing that this stranger and I were engaging in such an odd occurrence. You know how sometimes something gets to you and you can’t stop yourself from laughing?”

“Yeah,” Lance replied.

“Well, all of a sudden I couldn’t get the amusing nature of it out of my head and it crept down into my body until every part of me thought it was really funny. That was the moment when my mouth began to break into a smile. The guy smiled back but confidently, before his face returned to granite. In that moment I knew he could beat me. My lips parted, I started to laugh and though with control I continued to stare, what I really wanted to do was to meet this guy and talk to him. I had never wanted to do that with anyone because I was too insecure.

“I hadn’t actually broken but I decided it didn’t matter. My laughter stopped and I could have continued but instead I said, ‘You win’ and then I closed my eyes. When I opened them again he was standing beside me. After what had happened, I didn’t think his coming over to me was unusual. I know now that it was but back then it seemed acceptable. He introduced himself as Jamey.

“We ended up sitting in that park for a couple of hours. We talked and laughed the entire time. For me, at least, it was like I had finally found someone that didn’t know me and yet liked me. Eventually it was getting late and I thought I should go home but before I did, I asked if we could exchange phone numbers. That night at home in my bedroom, I called him and we spoke for hours again. The next day he called me and then that night I called him again. On the third day he called me and I told him I really liked him and enjoyed talking to him. I told him he was the only person in my life that was different to everyone else and then I said I wanted him to be my secret friend.”

Lance asked in disbelief, “You said what?”

“Yeah, I know,” Dayton replied.

Lance said, “Seriously?”

“Lance, I know how that sounds but back then, even though it must have sounded exceptionally odd to him, especially coming from a twenty-three year old man that was a year older than him; still he didn’t say a word about the remark, he just said okay. Obviously it was a childish thing to say but I didn’t even realize the boy inside me was crying out. Jamey made an assumption based on that remark but he said nothing and allowed our relationship to grow into whatever it was going to become. So three days after meeting him, he and I became best friends. From that moment my life began to truly change.”

“What an amazing way to meet someone,” Lance said.

“Yeah, it was.”

“So this guy was obviously the one you said was the one different person in your life,” Lance queried knowingly.

“Yeah. Over a short period of time we became close friends and I say that without any degree of the jadedness or indifference that so many people use words today. From that day, we saw each other every single day or night. Most of the time we spent at his home. I went to him because he lived alone and because I didn’t want to share him or let anyone interfere with what I had found. Mostly it was about talking. We did go out and do stuff together but for the most part, we just talked. Honestly Lance, it was so damned easy being with him, in almost exactly the same manner I feel about being with you.”

“Wow. Compliment accepted,” Lance said.

“Well, we’ve already discussed it several times but it’s true. Apart from Jamey, you and I just clicked and we talk and trust each other. It’s why I’m telling you this story now. Maybe there are degrees of difference between what we’re feeling but for me, I would never trade this feeling of ease with you for anything,” Dayton said.

“There probably are differing degrees but on the whole, yeah, I agree with you. However, that leads us back to Jamey. Obviously something happened, which is why you’re uncomfortable with this story, not that you seem uncomfortable at the moment.”

“You’re right, Lance, I’m not uncomfortable because that was just the beginning. It was what followed that changed everything.”

“Well, Dayz, you have my complete and undivided attention.”

Dayton made a sound of acknowledgement before he continued and said, “So, as I told you, in essence it only took a few days for Jamey and I to reach the point of being really good friends. By the end of a week if we weren’t together we were on the phone or connecting on the Internet. One way or another, we were communicating and connected.

“The thing is, Lance, as I said, I wasn’t the man you now know. I was innocent or ignorant, whichever you prefer to categorize me. I wasn’t considering anything other than I had met someone that cared and made me happy. He was a sanctuary away from my other life and in that other life my parents were not happy with me. By that point, they weren’t happy with me at all.

“Before I get to that though, one night I was at Jamey’s place and we’d just finished eating dinner. We were sitting on the couch, the television was on but turned down, music was playing in the background and we were in the middle of a D&M or deep and meaningful conversation.”

“Yeah, D&M, I call them that as well,” Lance said agreeably.

Dayton smiled but immediately continued, “It was during the second week of knowing him and also around midnight when Jamey said he needed to tell me something. I nodded and that was when he explained that on day one, he had not been attempting to initiate a staring competition. I was surprised but then I asked him if he wasn’t doing that, what was he doing? His response was that he was looking at me and admiring how handsome he thought I was and what a great body he thought I had. He stopped speaking and waited for my reaction.

“Lance, I’d like to say I was just a dumb jock but I’ve already explained to you why I was so innocent. It took a few moments before the penny dropped. I looked at him and suddenly I knew he was telling me he was gay. I had never known anyone that was gay, at least not that I was aware of. I felt a momentary feeling of unsettledness but then I thought this is my best friend and it doesn’t matter. I looked into his eyes and told him I wasn’t gay but it didn’t matter to me that he was. I told him he was my friend and I didn’t want to lose his friendship.

“Jamey looked at me oddly and then told me he thought I was gay because of my reaction at seeing him staring at me in the park. He then said that later he thought I was in the closet and struggling to come out or even admit to my inclinations. I told him I wasn’t and that I was straight. He nodded and finally said it didn’t matter. It wasn’t mentioned again and we went back to the way things were.”

Dayton was still lying on his back and his eyes were still closed but Lance was now propped on his elbow. He was looking down at Dayton’s face, first with shocked hope and then with unexpected disappointment. He was wishing the statements that Dayton was not gay or that he was straight had never been spoken. However, Lance said nothing and was instead wondering where this story was going to go next.

“So a month flew by with me spending almost all of Jamey’s free time with him. Nothing changed in that regard until my parents began giving me hell more than usual. They hadn’t seemed to care about me while I sat for five years alone at home. However, the moment I started going out and was gone for hours on end, suddenly they seemed to care. I’d come home late and there they were, sitting me down and scolding me. There attitude was I was an adult, I was twenty-three and I wasn’t working. They had every right to feel the way they did but my situation was not what you would call normal.

“I had become a lost soul in life, I had no idea what I was doing or even that there was a path beneath my feet. All I had really known was that I had felt immeasurably unhappy, until I met Jamey. Excluding sport, Jamey was the one piece of my life, which gave me a sense of purpose.

“Anyway, my parents came down on me like a ton of bricks and told me it was time to get my life together, to get a job and to go out into the world on my own. They treated me like a kid because I was acting like a kid but no one realized I was acting that way, as a consequence of how I felt deep down.

“When they said I had to go out on my own, I felt like they were pushing me away. They told me I was grounded and not allowed to go out until these objectives were achieved. Can you imagine that, Lance? Grounding a twenty-three year old man and him accepting it? Instead of being smart and independent and out in the world like most guys my age, I was still trapped in what I had become. All I knew when I wasn’t with Jamey was that I wanted my parents to talk to me, to hold me and to tell me I mattered. I was still a little boy who needed love, attention and a home that was my foundation.

“It was psychological but I wasn’t even aware that I wasn’t moving because what I needed from them was holding me back. Therefore, I automatically believed I had to do what they said to make them proud of me and maybe tell me how much I meant to them.

For nearly two weeks I stayed home, I looked for work and I halted all contact with Jamey without speaking to him or explaining. All of these choices were so I could keep focused on what needed to be done to receive the validation I was desperately seeking from my parents.”

“Jesus,” Lance said.

“I guess I sound strange,” Dayton replied to the response.

“Dayz, no, I was referring to how your parents affected you. It doesn’t sound strange, it sounds sad. It’s hard for me to even imagine my parents being so cold. I mean I know I don’t have a relationship with my parents anymore but at least when I was growing up they loved me and were really there for me,” Lance said.

“You don’t think I’m weird?” Dayton queried.

“No. Dayton, just because someone’s life doesn’t fit into a standard mold, doesn’t make him or her weird. Life is a place of diversity, regardless of whether we can relate to the variation from our own lives, ” Lance replied.

“Right,” Dayton said, sounding relieved. “Anyway, Jamey was leaving multitudes of emails but I didn’t check my email. He was calling my phone and leaving text messages but I left it turned off so I wouldn’t be distracted from my search for work. All my dealings with work applications were by landline or regular mail. Wanting Jamey’s friendship to be mine and mine alone, I’d never given him my home phone number or my address. I didn’t want him showing up or calling because I didn’t want my parents involved in that part of my life.

“In effect, I had cut Jamey out of my life and though it was killing me, I didn’t even consider how worried Jamey might be about me. He was actually worried out of his mind because he didn’t know where I lived and he had no other way to contact me. He thought something terrible had happened.”

“Oh shit,” Lance said.

“Anyway, I had already disappointed my parents with my results at school, which didn’t cut it for higher education or the type of career they expected of me. When I couldn’t even get an office job they were even less happy with me. I was struggling and when I look back in retrospect, I think it was because I came across in my interviews as naïve and ignorant. In truth, I suppose I was. I wasn’t ready for adult life. I became so frustrated because I would set up interviews, go to them and continually get turned down. There were plenty of jobs but no one wanted to hire me. It just compounded my lack of self-esteem.

“I began to think I was not good enough for office work and that I should open my options and do something else. I decided to take any job and applied for construction work. Obviously I hadn’t learned a trade, so even though I got a job, I wasn’t a skilled worker and I was employed to help the tradesmen and do the heavy lifting and menial tasks. It was low end of the ladder work but it was money and it was a job and I thought my parents would be pleased.

“They went out of their minds, telling me I was wasting the education they’d paid for. They said they weren’t going to sit back and watch me throw my life down a toilet. I really didn’t understand. I guess I should have understood but validation was my only concern. Instead of receiving it, I was being asked what was wrong with me and why didn’t I care and didn’t it matter that I was hurting them and disappointing them? They didn’t realize it but they were making everything worse. They asked me what they were supposed to say when their friends asked them how well I was doing? Then they told me I had to quit the job before I even started it and said I had to raise my sights for a better life, one that their son was worthy of.”

“Worthy? Dayz, did you come from a family with money?”

“Let’s put it this way, Lance. If things had turned out differently to how they did and if my parents died today, I would definitely inherit and I could buy our home for us with the stroke of a pen,” he replied.

“Shit,” Lance said in amazement.

“So it was as of that night that I just couldn’t take their never satisfied abuse anymore. Nothing I did was ever good enough for them. In fact, I was never good enough for them and it suddenly sunk in that I was never going to be what they wanted me to be. They didn’t care about me, they only cared about what they wanted and expected.

“Eventually, after about an hour in my room, I made the decision I had to leave. I packed a couple of sports bags and I left without saying a word. I know I might sound weak and stupid to you Lance but back then, even though it was only just over a year ago, I was a completely different person to who I am today.”

“Dayz, I don’t think anything like that. Some parents don’t get or even care about what they do to their children. The absence of love, attention and validation from parents, in most cases will have no other effect than a negative one. Occasionally an individual child might be strong, determined and relentless and forge their way into some amazing life but most often, the kids are left to pick up the pieces alone. It’s fucked.

“Those sorts of parents should take a good look at many of the animal kingdom. Animal offspring are the most important thing to them until they’re ready to go out into the world on their own. The parents will give up their lives to protect their young and the mother and sometimes even the father, love, nurture and support them until the day they know their progeny is strong enough and capable enough to go out and make a life. I’m sorry Dayz but from my perspective, your parents were fucked,” Lance said indignantly.

“Don’t be sorry, Lance. I think the same thing now.”

“So did you go to Jamey?”

“Yeah, I had nowhere else to go and I missed him so much.”

“How did he respond?”

“It was mixed. When he opened his door, he burst into tears and flew into my arms and against me. I didn’t even question why he was crying because I was so taken by his reaction at seeing me after two weeks away. I held him and his emotion overcame me until I almost cried as well. That sort of emotion was something I’d never encountered, particularly in regard to me. When he pulled away he screamed at me. He yelled that he thought I was dead. I told him how sorry I was but he was fuming as he slowly began to realize I hadn’t considered him or how he felt. He hit me in the chest with the side of his closed fist. Physically it didn’t hurt because apart from the fact that Jamey wasn’t big or strong, he also didn’t want to hurt me and was just expressing his frustration and relief. What really hurt was my realization of what I had done and how I had affected the one person I cared about and who cared about me.

“As it came together in my mind I dropped my bags and closed the door. He wrapped his arms around me again and I walked us to the couch and sat down. He continued holding me as we sat there and though I thought it was strange for two men to hug like that, in my mind I sort of viewed Jamey as my little brother. I say that because he was much smaller than me. He clung to me like a boy in his father’s arms. I didn’t consider any other alternative to why he was so upset and so I didn’t see what was really going on or what he was revealing to me.

“My only thoughts were regarding how I could’ve almost lost the only real friend I’d ever had in my life, simply because of ignorance. I guess you’re starting to make assumptions but I want to keep telling this story as it happened,” Dayton said.

“Sure,” Lance replied.

“After things settled down he asked me to explain everything that had happened. I’d spoken to him about my parents but in the same vague way I did with you. This time, though, I gave him all the details of how my parents treated me and how it made me feel. Lance, in the same way that you always seem to understand me, Jamey understood as well.

“Afterwards, Jamey told me I was moving in with him. It wasn’t a suggestion; Jamey was coming to my rescue. From that night we lived together, we slept in the same bed because he lived in a tiny bedsit apartment. He never touched me or tried anything, not that I would’ve considered anything like that at the time. From then on, everything was about to change dramatically.

“Once he really began to understand me and he saw how I had come to be so ignorant of life and people, our conversations were different. Jamey talked to me over the next few months and put life and my life in particular, into some perspective for me. I really had no idea at all. He told me there was nothing wrong with me, he told me my parents were strange and seriously screwed up and he brought me to a point where I began to see things for how they were and not as I imagined them or wished for them to be. I began to change, how I reacted to people began to change and my attitude to life turned around as well. He also brought to light the fact that though I had not done well at school, I actually had taken everything in and that I was far more intelligent than I believed or thought. By that point I’d started the job I’d gotten and slowly everything seemed better.

“I grew up so quickly during that year. I started behaving like a man instead of a boy. I started thinking like an adult as well. I started to see that I had a path and that I needed to build it as I moved forward. Suddenly everything made sense. I knew I still had a very long way to go but my confidence was growing because of Jamey. Those months with him showed me how love and respect for someone can have an effect on their consciousness and also on their self-esteem and self-expression,” Dayton said.

Lance asked, “No longer the lost soul?”

Dayton laughed and said, “No, no longer the lost soul.”

“So what happened next?”

Dayton finally opened his eyes and he turned and looked at Lance and said, “Listen Lance, I’m really hot. How about another swim first?”

“Lead the way, Dayz,” Lance said.

When they came back to their towels, Dayton laid on his front instead of his back. Lance did the same and moments after, they both had their heads resting on forearms but this time, Dayton’s eyes were opened and the men were staring at each other. For a few minutes there was only silence but Lance did not push for Dayton to continue. He waited patiently for him to begin when he was ready because he knew how uncomfortable Dayton was about telling his story. Lance felt certain something unusual was coming but had no idea what it was going to be.

“Everything was going along really well. Our friendship was alive and well, our lives were good, we were both working and the rest of my life was fundamentally in the past. I had actually walked away from everyone I knew and I knew I was never going back. I felt like a completely new man. Then one night when I came home late after drinking with the guys from work, something out of the ordinary happened.

“You see, Lance, I was really drunk and could barely stand without swaying or falling over. Jamey was laughing at me and calling me a booze guzzling street bum but he had made me dinner and so he sat me down and made me put something in my stomach. It gave me something to help soak up the alcohol and made me just that little bit less inebriated.”

Still seeing how much Dayton was struggling to tell this story, Lance said jokingly to keep Dayton relaxed and in an easy mood, “Inebriated? That’s a big word for a dumb jock named Dayton.”

With a wink and a laugh, Dayton grinned and replied “Huh?”

“You’re supposed to bite back, Dayz,” Lance said.

“So anyway,” Dayton said with a roll of his eyes while ignoring Lance, “I was still in a bit of a state, so to speak. Jamey told me I was not getting into bed smelling like a brewery and told me to take a shower. He led me to the bathroom but I was too drunk and so he got in with me and saw to the task while I chortled drunkenly. He dried me off and put me to bed. When he finally got into bed as well, in my uninhibited state, I cuddled up to him and suddenly he was pulling away from me, telling me I wasn’t allowed to get that close to him in bed.

“Lance, even as drunk as I was, it was the first time I considered an alternative to what I always thought. It suddenly occurred to me what was going on right in front of my eyes. Once again the penny dropped. I was still looking at him and still holding him and then I saw the mixture of terror, anxiety, desire and love in Jamey’s eyes. I had been so stupid and had never realized.

“To me, Jamey and I were buddies and friends of the highest order but never had the concept occurred to me, even though I knew he was gay, he could possibly be in love with me or feel that way for me. I should have realized so many times but I never did until that night. I suppose I can give myself an excuse in that because of the way I grew up, I was ignorant where sex and sexuality was concerned. I wasn’t really sexual until my early twenties. Even so, I also didn’t know much more than the basics, until last year,” he explained.

Lance maintained a stolid expression as his eyes held the gaze of Dayton’s. He did not want to convey any negative reactions to Dayton, if Dayton was about to tell him he crossed the line. However, Lance’s heart was thumping and the concept of the slightest chance Dayton had sex with a man was almost too much to accept. Still, he stayed silent.

“I guess it was lucky I was so drunk and so relaxed because suddenly I thought how much I loved Jamey, too. It wasn’t love of a sexual kind, at least not in my mind at the time. As I said earlier, he was like my little brother. However, I thought a thought that went something like, ‘Well, I love him and he loves me and so if he needs me in a different way to how I need him, I should satisfy his needs the way he satisfies mine.’ It certainly wasn’t a standard thought and maybe it was a drunken thought but that was my thought nonetheless.

“Lance, I pulled him against me and I kissed him with all the limited experience I’d gained from kissing random girls. He struggled for maybe fifteen seconds but I wouldn’t let him go and I wouldn’t stop the kiss. The next thing I knew he was wrapped so tight around me and he was giving himself over and taking me on the ride.

“On that night, I went from being a guy who had sex with girls, to a guy having sex with a guy for the first time. The thing was, though, I also went from empty sex to sex with someone who was in love with me. It made a world of difference to me because Jamey and I were so close that the sex was somehow empowered by the depth of the connection between us. The feelings overrode any stigma or moral dilemma I might have experienced otherwise.

“My natural sexual role or nature is to be the dominant or active partner but even though I’m a masculine man, well, as I guess you already know, I’m a little bit of a softy at times. As it got heated between us it was good but when he released his love for me and he started reacting to me like he had the greatest gift in his hands, everything changed.

“Jamey’s touch melted me and his kisses drove me wild. My heart started pounding, I was so hard and suddenly we were locked in an embrace that was like our bodies had been hot glued together. We were by that point both naked and our erections were grinding as I kissed him. I was going out of my mind.

“Jamey broke the kiss and he pushed me onto my back and then suddenly I was in his mouth. ‘Oh god’ was all I said but then in my mind, probably because of how drunk I was, I was floating through the arc of a rainbow with colors screaming through my head. My heart was beating with anticipation and my body was quivering with every caress, as his hands and fingers journeyed over my naked body. I was in some unimaginable heaven. Lance, that night was a taste of sex I had never had and I don’t mean because it was gay sex,” Dayton explained.

Lance was erect. He could feel how hard his cock was between his body and the towel, imprisoned behind his Speedo. He wanted to grind it into the towel and sand and he wanted to release without any other stimulation. However, he was still staring into the eyes of Dayton and he knew if he acted, Dayton would see. In a way it seemed like a moot point considering what Dayton was telling him, however, Dayton was still unaware that Lance was gay and so Lance dismissed his desires and need and with an amazing restraint he once again did not know he possessed, he continued to lie still like nothing was out of the ordinary.

“Lance, it was the best fellatio I’d ever had. We were both young in sexual terms but damn it if he couldn’t send me into orbit every time he did it.”

“Every time?” Lance thought, holding the words behind sealed lips.

“I had an explosive orgasm and when it was over, though I should have been a hibernating slug, my energy went to peek levels and so, wanting more I pulled him up on top of me. As I was kissing him there was a split second when I tasted my semen in his mouth but though it shocked me for a moment, I realized I didn’t really care.

“Soon after, Jamey asked me to fuck him and moments after I said yes, he sheathed my erection, lubricated both of us and then tutored me through my first excursion into anal sex.”

“First?” Lance thought disbelievingly in his mind.

“Anyway Lance, I guess this is a little too much information but suffice to say, for the next couple of hours I made love to Jamey until I was closing on the point of no longer being so drunk. We fell asleep at around three o’clock that morning and when I awoke, we were still tightly entwined in each other’s arms.

“Deep analytical thought first thing in the morning was not something I was used to, however, I managed it, as I considered what I had done and what it meant to me. The truth of the matter was that it really didn’t bother me that I had experienced sex with a man but I also assumed it was because it was Jamey. I really loved him and I still didn’t think it was sexual love but nonetheless, I knew I loved him.

“When Jamey awoke twenty minutes later, he pulled away with a gasp and wide-eyed. He was looking at me as he was remembering, his eyes filled with fear and then he looked confused and uncertain. I smiled at him and pulled him back, kissing him to show him it was okay. Eventually we got out of bed, showered together and made love again in the shower. By the time we got out the water had gone cold but we were finally clean, refreshed and very happy.

“I guess, Lance, in a rather unusual way, Jamey and I became boyfriends. We still lived the same way but sex had entered the equation. That changed things because the added intimacy increased our bond. I also soon realized just how in love with me Jamey was. He would do anything for me and though to this day, I still occasionally question whether I fell in love with him; I do know that he remained the most important person in my life. You can decide for yourself whether you think he filled the gap in me and I mistook it for love but whatever the case, I believe I truly came to love him deeply. The months that followed rolled by with ease and I had never been more happy in my life.”

“That’s wonderful,” Lance said.

Dayton queried, “Really?”

“Of course it is,” Lance replied and watched the deep relief fill Dayton’s eyes.

“Lance, the story is almost over but I don’t want to finish it on the beach. Can we go for another swim and then go back to the house?”

“Anything you want, Dayz,” Lance replied.

Dayton and Lance did not just take a quick dip and leave. They remained in the water for the next thirty minutes, splashing like kids, swimming and diving down or talking about the location and how lucky they were to live in the house they were in. Eventually, though it was required by Dayton, they left the beach with a shared sense of reluctance.

After returning to the house they each showered and then dressed before returning to the living room. Dayton then asked if Lance would mind if they temporarily moved the furniture and turned the couch so they could look at the water directly while they talked. Lance could barely say no to Dayton at any time and so a few minutes later the room looked completely different. When Lance sat down, Dayton oddly sat close to his side.

“Okay, I’m ready now,” he said.

Lance asked, “Ready for what?”

“To tell you the end of the story. Before I do, though, I want to thank you, Lance.”

“For what?”

“For being you and accepting what I’ve told you without judgment, without criticism or even some glib remark. You’re such a great friend and I mean that from the bottom of my heart,” Dayton said.

Lance thought, “It’s not just about friendship” but then he said “Get on with it, you big softy,” and chuckled.

“I told you I’ve been here for three months. Well, it’s actually four months now but the point is, I ran and this is where I stopped.”

“Okay,” Lance said, quietly intrigued.

“I wasn’t running scared, I was running to escape, running for freedom from myself.”

“I don’t really understand what that means,” Lance said.

“I know,” Dayton replied, appearing extremely tense.

Lance reached across and put his arm around Dayton’s shoulders in the hope it would help to ease whatever was bothering him. Dayton’s reaction was to lean toward him until his shoulder slipped into Lance’s armpit and he rested his head on Lance’s shoulder.

Lance was extremely surprised. He thought this action was not the action of a straight man but he could not override the connection they had formed or the way Dayton kept emphasizing how close he felt to him. In some way it seemed natural but at the same time, being so close to Dayton and having Dayton resting on his shoulder like a lover, was like a dream come true. It made it so easy to dismiss the oddness and so Lance folded his arm around Dayton, holding him gently.

Once again Dayton was silent to begin. Lance glanced down and he could see Dayton staring at the ocean. Dayton felt physically relaxed but intuitively, Lance could sense tension building and he knew with certainty something was about to be said, which was at the crux of Dayton’s struggle.

“Before our first twelve months had come to an end, I realized I loved Jamey with my heart and soul. As I told you, he was the one and only person at the time that gave a damn and showed any degree of concern for me. At that time, he was also the only person I really cared about as well.

“Lance, though I didn’t think about it to any major degree, I didn’t categorize myself as gay. Hell, I didn’t categorize myself as anything, not gay, not straight and not bisexual. All I knew and all I cared about at that time was that Jamey was with me and that I felt like I didn’t have a care in the world. I was happy, truly happy,” Dayton explained.

“Dayz, can you clear up a curiosity for me? What was Jamey like as far as gay men are concerned?”

“He was just a guy. He wasn’t effeminate if that’s what you mean. He wasn’t into leather or drag or any of the many things he told me about the gay world. He also didn’t want to go to gay bars, even though I told him I would go if he wanted me to. I guess he was, I don’t know, sort of a very sensitive straight guy who was gay. Does that make any sense to you?”

“Perfect sense. Go on.”

“Well, I inferred we weren’t couch potatoes. We didn’t just sit at home all the time when we weren’t working. We went to the movies, to restaurants, to the theatre and we even occasionally played tennis. He was like you in that he wasn’t into going to the gym and so I did that on my own. I guess that also shows we weren’t inseparable, if that’s how I’ve made it sound.

“Anyway, about five months ago we went out for dinner one night and afterwards he wanted to go for a walk before we went home. I was perfectly happy to do so and to be by his side and so we strolled for quite some time. We were just walking and talking and he was trying to give me some perspective once again.

“You see Lance, I still hadn’t got past the idea of my parents thinking I should have some great career and so I had begun looking at my work as unfit. Jamey asked me if I liked what I did? I told him I did but wished I were one of the skilled tradesmen and not just some sort of hired help. He asked me if I were skilled, would I want to stay where I was? I told him I would because I liked working outdoors, I liked how healthy and fit I felt and I liked how my body was getting so much bigger and stronger. Jamey suggested I remain in construction but that I also went back to school and learned what I needed to, so that later down the track I could become a tradesman. I knew in that moment it was a great idea and that it was what I was going to do. I hugged him and kissed him for helping me again and then we walked on.

“We came to a very long stairway and as we started to descend, about ten teenage boys came rushing up the stairs, playfully punching each other and generally roughhousing as they made their way wherever they were going. Jamey and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes but we weren’t threatened or bothered and continued down as they went up.

“As the boys passed us, one of them shoved another and I turned to watch them in amusement. It was only a split second but as I turned back, I realized the one who had been shoved, had hit Jamey accidently, making him lose his balance. Jamey got spun and turned around in the collision. He was facing up the stairs but he was falling down. In those seconds as he fell backwards, he stretched out his hand for me to help him. I reached out to grab it as the boys ran on and vanished from sight. My hand touched his hand and as we began to close them, his weight shifted too far and he fell out of reach.

“I can still see his eyes locked on mine, as mine were locked on his and I saw the sudden terror that filled them. I lunged but it was too late. His body crashed back onto the stairs, before I heard the horrific sound as the back of his head hit the edge of a step.”

Dayton continued on but his voice cracked and became jagged as he started to cry.

“The speed of it all, along with his weight-created momentum, continued his fall and soon he was rolling and bouncing on concrete as I ran after him. I was screaming his name but also always inches from grabbing him and unable to stop his fall. It took nearly thirty seconds before he reached the bottom and rolled to a stop.”

Dayton paused and took a deep breath. Lance could see tears streaming down his cheeks and all he could do was hold Dayton tighter. Lance was stunned beyond belief but he said nothing. He thought silence would be better than some stupid or obvious remark.

“When I finally reached him, his head was cracked open and blood was pouring from it. His face was torn and bleeding and both a leg and an arm were broken. They were compound fractures, those limbs in impossible to believe positions.

“Staring at his broken body I was crying from some deep place I had never cried from before. I was crying that way because in that moment, I knew that Jamey was dead. I also knew I was once again alone.”

“Oh god, Dayz,” Lance said, as Dayton paused and sobbed.

“I called the authorities and over the next hour I explained to the police while they examined the scene and considered my story. For a time it was horrible looking at their eyes, knowing they were wondering if I had pushed him down the stairs. I watched as the Medical Examiner took Jamey’s body away. Finally someone took me home and that night in Jamey’s bed alone, even though I was still in shock, I knew my life in Portland was over. Jamey had no family and only a few friends and they and I were the only people at his funeral. I was on compassionate leave from work for a few days but I couldn’t go back and I quit my job. As the following weeks went by I closed myself in our home and I withdrew into myself.

“Eventually I started to snap out of it and so I packed up and literally with a random pin in a map, I was headed to San Diego. I put my things in a storage unit, stayed in a cheap motel and a couple of days later I got a job and started again.

“During the time in the motel I was confused. Jamey was dead, I was in a new city and state, I had a new job and I felt like everything had to be different from that other time and place. Even though months previous I had come to a point when I believed I loved Jamey, suddenly in my solitude that past seemed like something in the distance, like a ship on the horizon sailing away, until it seemed almost unreal. So when the point came that I started to push myself further into life, the whole situation with Jamey seemed like an out of the ordinary, once in a lifetime thing.

“I started going out, I met women and I took them to my motel and fucked them. I felt nothing of what I had felt with Jamey but I decided I had always been straight despite what happened with him and so I thought I might as well go back to what I knew before. I’ve been picked up by women and taken home but I just can’t get my heart to beat for any of them.

“Anyway, three months later I saw your add by accident and here I am. So Lance, there you go. Now you know everything. I’m a dumb jock who grew up very slowly. I’m a man who still doesn’t quite know who he is, even though I thought I did while I was with Jamey. I guess I’m bisexual, at least technically speaking but whatever I am, my heart doesn’t work anymore.”

Dayton wrapped his arm around Lance’s body and he held tight to him and began to cry again. Lance held him, pulled him tight and close to him while he stroked the hair on his head to comfort him. For some time they remained that way until Dayton stopped crying and began to settle down.

When it seemed acceptable and appropriate, Lance said, “Dayz, everything is going to be okay. You’re not a dumb jock. You’re smart and hard working, you’re decent and kind and you’re also one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Who you are or what you are doesn’t matter to me but I can tell you one thing; your heart does work, it’s just sad and lost. I know this because I feel the goodness and love in your heart every time I’m with you. Thank you for telling me something so personal and important to you and know that I’m always here for you. You really are as important to me as you say I am to you.”

Dayton was far more relaxed and he pulled away from Lance and sat up. He turned to him and looked deeply into his eyes and said, “Thank you Lance, that means the world to me.”

Lance gave him a huge smile. He was so pleased to see that Dayton was returning to the man he knew and so he said, “You’re welcome, Dayz. Now, how about a cup of my hot piss?”

A huge and highly amused smile erupted across Dayton’s face before it turned into a laugh and he said, “Mmm, sounds great.”

To be continued...

Posted: 06/23/17