Chapter 4 

Los Angeles.

 

Logan had always known that at some point he would visit the United States. There were quite a few sights he wanted to see, all of which were of the natural world. Places like Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon, Crater Lake, Monument Valley and the California Redwoods. Had things not turned out the way they did in Canada, even though at no time had he expected to go there, he would have seen Niagara Falls from that side also, as well as numerous other wonderful sights. Unfortunately, his reaction to his experience with Aydin completely altered how his visit to Canada unfurled.

 

During the four years Logan had been travelling, even though there was always an element of spontaneity to each new destination; his decision and his entry into the United States had involved little thought at all. In essence, at the time, it had been nothing more than a place to escape to. It had been about his inability to accept the truth and also, a feeling he was on a spinning merry-go-round he did not know how to disembark. As a consequence, his rushed preparation and entry into California meant he had given no thought to where he was going to go or what he wanted to do. At the time he just wanted to leave Canada, indirectly feeling as if the country was the cause for the way he was feeling in his soul.

 

Logan flew directly to Los Angeles International Airport or LAX, as they liked to call it. It was there in the arrivals terminal where he found Lincoln waiting for him, the younger man he had met on the plane to Egypt, during their respective travels just over three years prior. The two men had gotten to know each other, at least a little, during the few months they spent together. They had liked each other and so Logan was certain there would be no problems when he arrived. He was right and they reconnected like friends almost immediately.

 

Lincoln lived in Los Angeles proper and owned a nice apartment. He had a good job working in the telecommunications industry and he was financially secure in his life. Though the subject of marital status had never really been discussed in any detailed manner, Lincoln assured Logan during the drive from the airport, he was single and lived alone. He then told Logan there was no one else to consider or worry about while he was there and so he should therefore make himself comfortable because he wanted him to feel right at home.

 

Logan had liked Lincoln from the moment they met on the plane. He therefore thought that staying with him in a new environment, would help to dismiss the previous struggles of Toronto and therefore, he would easily be able to put those things well and truly out of his mind. Just that thought during the first few hours put him at ease.

 

Lincoln was very happy to see Logan again and had no problem giving his Australian friend a place to stay. It was just the standard way of backpackers that became friends around the world and they often opened their homes to help out the friends they had met on their travels.

 

During the first few days while Lincoln was working, Logan wandered about, trying to get a feel for the unfamiliar environment. Initially he headed straight for the coast. He felt certain that hailing from Sydney, he would find at least a sense of familiarity, in the rolling waves of the Pacific Ocean. Of course the two places were worlds apart but the sun, surf, sea and sand made him relax and feel even more at ease.

 

Logan got another job in yet another club during his second week in Los Angeles. He settled into the routine as easily as he had in every other location, his handsome, happy and fun demeanour making him an instant attraction. However, even though he had women coming onto him all the time, he played along but accepted no offers at all. He knew the reason why but for the first time, he felt like an alien where women were concerned. It made him feel uncomfortable and out of place and subsequently, he continued to turn down one woman after another.

 

Logan was unaware of the fact but by the end of his first night, the majority of the regular, single, female patrons had already pegged him as gay. The gay categorisation had nothing to do with him physically. The women simply felt that his interest seemed to lack a genuine quality, particularly in combination with his unwillingness to accept dates or stringless sex.

 

There was no one like Sabrina that Logan knew, who could see or remark on the difference in him, which revealed a part of him was missing. That part, the wild party boy was as lost as Logan was feeling in his soul. Subsequently, he took on a pragmatic approach while doing his job, playing the role of a bright and jovial personality, however, when his shift was over, all he wanted to do was go home to Lincoln’s apartment.

 

Lincoln treated Logan like a great friend. He drove him around and showed him the sights of the city and on the first weekend, he took him to Hollywood and to several of the tourist spots. On the Sunday he drove him up to Ventura, where he introduced him to two of his closest friends, an older lesbian couple named Kay and Danni. They all had a wonderful day sitting around and chatting and Logan felt like he was part of something special, almost like a family.

 

That night when they returned to Los Angeles, Lincoln took Logan to a party. He introduced Logan to a lot of people. It was a great party and they had a fun night but on the way home, even though Logan said nothing to Lincoln, Logan realised that a lot of the people he was meeting were gay. Logan felt a sense of discomfort, as the possibilities arose in his mind. He had come to the States, to Los Angeles and to Lincoln, hoping he could get away from the intensity of the events in Toronto. When he looked back on the entire day, it seemed that everything he was trying to avoid was indirectly being thrust in his face.

 

As the following days went by, one of the problems for Logan was that he kept meeting gay men. In a way it seemed like life was forcing him into a position he did not want to be in. Lincoln kept taking him out when they weren’t working and every time Logan was introduced to more friends and acquaintances, who most often were gay men.

 

Logan’s problem became his desire because he found some of the men really hot. Soon enough, it seemed it was becoming comfortable for him to fantasise at night in bed, about having sex with many of the men he was meeting. Even so, he was still uncomfortable about doing anything and none of this was helping in his attempt to return to the man he had been, before his whole world had begun to get turned on its head.

 

Irrespective of what he was doing, what he was trying to do or the thoughts that would not stop running through his mind, there was another issue, a greater problem, which was in regard to Lincoln. As a consequence of all the gay men Logan was meeting, with associative curiosity he began to wonder if Lincoln were gay as well. He decided he wanted to ask Lincoln, however, even that felt like some sort of acknowledgement of his sexuality. He knew, despite his denial, he was seriously hot for Lincoln.

 

Lincoln had light brown hair and light brown eyes and Logan had occasionally heard Lincoln’s friends referring to him as a pretty boy. Lincoln was not a big man and in fact, lithe was the word Logan most often ascribed to him whenever he considered it. Lincoln was not effeminate but he also was not a particularly masculine man and even his personality came across as sensitive and subdued. Generally, Logan thought of Lincoln as a good-looking, kind and genuinely nice guy who loved to party.

 

As a consequence of Logan’s curiosity regarding Lincoln’s sexuality, Logan tried to delude himself into believing that wanting to know had nothing to do with the fact that he was very attracted to Lincoln. Regardless, he felt very comfortable with Lincoln, they got on really well and the friendship began to deepen and grow.

 

With their friendship strengthening and the amount of time they spent together when they were not working, Logan became hesitant about posing the question at all. Taking on a presumptuous and negative attitude, Logan thought if he were wrong, Lincoln might be offended. As a consequence, Logan feared he might damage the relationship they had formed. Even though he really wanted to know if Lincoln were gay, he just kept delaying asking the question.

 

One night during Logan’s third week in California, instead of going out like they had been doing constantly on the nights Logan wasn’t at the nightclub, they decided to stay home, have dinner and talk. During dinner they discussed their travels and all the amazing experiences and places in various locations around the world. As a consequence, Lincoln began to wonder what Logan’s plans were for the future.

 

“So Logan, have you decided what you’re going to do? I mean when I met you on the plane to Egypt, you told me you didn’t want to go home and you wanted to travel the world until the day you died. Do you still feel the same or have you changed your mind?”

 

Due to Logan’s state of mind, in the moments before he answered Lincoln’s question, a clarifying thought came to him. The thought was not directly associated to Lincoln’s question, however, indirectly there definitely was a connection. Unexpectedly, Logan remembered the words he said on the day the plane landed in Greece. His recall was crystal clear as he remembered, “I’ll never go back again.” As a consequence of the words and their meaning, Logan recalled the reason.

 

Logan had never been a fool, he had simply always been afraid. His strength of mind, strength of will and strength of denial had always maintained his growing façade. No matter what, though, on some level he always knew. At the time when he was leaving Australia, beneath all the layers of denial, one thing remained implacably true. Logan believed Aaron was a temptation to the plaguing desire inside of him and he thought or perhaps hoped, if he never returned to Sydney or to Aaron, somehow it would all magically vanish from his life and his mind. In the moment as he looked back at Lincoln, the words, “You were wrong,” flew through his mind. Habitually, he pushed the thought away in denial.

 

“I still feel the same, Link. I’m having so much fun and meeting so many great people and I make enough money to do everything I want to do. I’m wondering if my standard three months will even be enough to see all the things I want to see while I’m here. I also still haven’t gone to South America yet and on top of that, there are still so many other places I want to see. There are also the places I want to go back to. I can’t imagine ever going back to Australia,” he replied.

 

“I think that’s funny because I’m saving for a trip to Australia only. I really want to see the whole country and you’ve told me you’ve never travelled in it at all. I know everyone has different travel dreams and desires but I really don’t understand how you wouldn’t want to see that continent. Every picture, every documentary and every thing I’ve ever read has always made me want to go there. Hell, even the tourism advertisements make me want to go,” Lincoln said.

 

“Have you travelled the United States extensively, Link?”

 

“No, hardly at all,” he replied.

 

“Well?”

 

“Okay, I see your point. I suppose the grass is deceptively greener on the other side. I do want to travel throughout the States but I want to see other places first,” Lincoln explained.

 

“I understand,” Logan said.

 

“So where are you going to next? I mean, while you’re here?”

 

“I’m not sure at the moment, Link. I haven’t given it a lot of thought. Coming here was spontaneous and unexpected.”

 

“Well from what I gathered when we met, all your travelling was random. You seemed to just jump from one place to another with little thought at all,” Lincoln said.

 

“Yeah, I guess that’s the way I’ve been since I started this adventure,” Logan replied.

 

“So what was different with coming here?”

 

“Um, nothing. I mean I don’t know, Link. I just felt a need to move and to go somewhere where things would be different.”

 

“Different from what?”

 

“I don’t know. You popped into my mind and I knew after all this time you’d be back at home and I thought I’d like to see you and it seemed so close,” Logan said, reaching hurriedly for any excuse he could think of, as he tried to avoid the truth.

 

“Well, I’m glad you called because I often think of you and our time together. I know it wasn’t a long time but it was a great time and I hated it when it was over. I felt like opportunities were lost. I really thought you would have come with me to Africa. We had such a great time in Mauritius,” Lincoln said.

 

“Can you even remember it? We got so drunk every night and then there was that serious weed we smoked all the time, I mean, shit, Link, we barely ever saw daylight.”

 

“Yeah, it was a pretty radical time,” Lincoln said but then he dropped his eyes.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing,” Lincoln said.

 

“No, you were thinking something. What was it?”

 

“I just thought if you’d come with me to Africa… I don’t know,” he sighed, “I mean I had a really great time after you left but I often thought if you had been there with me… I don’t know,” he sighed again, “we just seemed to think the same and we wanted to do the same things and I thought the possibilities for more fun together was lost,” Lincoln said while saying nothing of what was truly on his mind.

 

“Well, Link, if I hadn’t made other plans before we met, I definitely would have gone with you but I told you that at the time. Changing my visa would have been a hassle,” Logan said.

 

“Yeah, I know. It doesn’t matter now anyway,” Lincoln said.

 

Logan nodded and then he picked up his bourbon and took a drink. He looked around the large apartment and then turned back and looked at Lincoln.

 

“So tell me, Link, where exactly in California were you born?”

 

“I wasn’t. I’m not from here at all. I’m from Illinois, Chicago to be accurate.”

 

Logan did not know why he suddenly remembered but it was like a bullet to the head in the way the memory of the psychic came flooding back. Logan almost choked on the drink he was swallowing at the time and Lincoln moved over to him and was holding him and slapping his back, as Logan coughed the bourbon out of his lungs.

 

Lincoln asked worriedly, “Logan, are you okay? What happened? Is something wrong?”

 

The vague words were suddenly clear. The psychic had not said he was going to Chicago, he had said, “the guy from Chicago.” It wasn’t just the word Chicago that he remembered. Going to Canada unexpectedly and also having sex three times with guys occurred to him as well.

 

As all the pieces came together, he realised that over two years before, some weird psychic had predicted all of this indirectly. He looked into Lincoln’s eyes and he wondered if this could be the guy that the psychic had referred to.

 

Logan thought, “The guy from Chicago, how could it not be him?”

 

Logan already thought that Lincoln was hot and he had already been thinking that maybe Lincoln was gay and so now, as the psychic’s words did another lap of his mind, he wondered if there might actually be a chance. Logan knew he had to know.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine, Link. The bourbon just went down the wrong way,” he said.

 

Lincoln looked at him and smiled and then moved back to where he had been sitting on the other end of the couch.

 

Logan glanced at him and smiled back but in that instant, as his surprise and his desire and his realisations combined, suddenly something happened. Logan felt a distinct change inside of him. It was almost tangible, as he felt a weight seemed to lift. For a moment he wondered if something was wrong but as he stared at the handsome, young man, he realised he did not feel afraid. In that moment there was no denial residing in his body or his mind. Suddenly all there seemed to be was desire, which led him to a degree of acceptance.

 

As his gaze rested on Lincoln’s face, his attraction to Lincoln became more than just an awareness. His sense that Lincoln might be gay was minor but still he knew he wanted to make something happen. He felt uncertain of how to start or what to say but he also thought that blurting out “are you gay” or “any chance of a fuck,” would not be particularly enticing words to go about it. He also thought that if there were any chance for him and this cute guy to be together, he wanted to make an effort if he took the chance.

 

Logan instantly noticed the concept within his thought. Sure it was a sexual thought but there was more to it. When he thought, “be together,” there was the sense of a greater need. He did not really understand it because the idea of more than sex was not something he consciously entertained. Regardless, he dismissed the thought for the more obvious sexual feelings he was feeling.

 

Now that the negative thoughts and attitudes had somehow disappeared, his perception of Lincoln was instantly different. He was certain he was gay. He did not know why he knew; he just knew he knew. Irrespective, Logan still was not comfortable because it still felt relatively new and unusual, so rather than ask him outright, he decided on another way to bring the answer to the surface.

 

“Link?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“There’s something I want to tell you. It’s not something I’ve told anyone else but it’s been really screwing with my head and I want to get it off my chest. I feel like I could tell you and you’d be okay with it. At least I hope you would,” Logan said.

 

“Logan, even though we’ve only known each other briefly in the three years since we met, well at least on my part, I feel like we’re good friends. I can tell you that you can tell me anything and I’m pretty certain that no matter what it is, I’ll be okay with it,” Lincoln said.

 

Lincoln had no idea what Logan wanted to tell him but in his mind he was hoping that whatever this thing was, it was going to be in regard to a desire he had been carrying from the day he met Logan on the plane.

 

Logan nodded and asked, “You know how I just came from Canada?”

 

“Yeah,” Lincoln replied.

 

“Well, I was working in this club in Toronto, which was owned by this Turkish guy named Aydin. He was a really nice man and during my first month there we became quite friendly. I told you about Sabrina and how she got me the job but what I didn’t tell you was that she was very good friends with Aydin. Anyway, during the first month the three of us started going out all the time. I can’t say that Aydin and I became friends but I can tell you that I really liked him and I trusted him,” Logan said and paused.

 

“Okay,” Lincoln said, not understanding the pause and therefore only responding to try to get Logan to continue.

 

“After the first month, one night Aydin invited us up to his apartment,” he said and paused again.

 

“Logan, did something bad happen? It seems like whatever this is, it’s hard for you to talk about,” Lincoln said.

 

“It’s funny you should say that because oddly, it doesn’t feel hard for me to tell you this at all. It’s just that you don’t need to know all the details and I’m trying to figure out how to tell you without getting caught up in all the minutia of the overall occurrence,” Logan explained.

 

“Okay,” Lincoln said.

 

Look, Link, to cut a long story short, on that night, we drank and also smoked some hash and we got stoned out of our minds. Sabrina passed out and Aydin, who is gay, came on to me. The thing is, I let him and I had sex with him,” Logan clarified and was surprised how he did not feel embarrassed or negative in any manner.

 

“I see,” Lincoln said with a monotone voice and without any expression on his face.

 

Logan looked at Lincoln blankly. He had been certain that when he said the words, Lincoln would react in either of two ways. Either he would have been positive and supportive or he would have been negative and unsupportive but instead, Lincoln’s reaction was bland, almost nondescript.

 

“The thing is, Link, after that night I tried to tell myself it was because of the alcohol and drugs but the truth was I really liked it,” he added.

 

“Okay,” Lincoln said with all the neutrality of Switzerland.

 

Logan thought Lincoln’s reactions were weird and it irritated him because he thought either a positive or negative response would give him the answer he wanted. Frustrated, Logan thought, “fuck it” and despite being uncomfortable having never tried to get a guy, he decided to be a little more direct.

 

“Link, I really couldn’t believe I had sex with a guy.”

 

“I’m sure,” Lincoln said stoically.

 

“I certainly couldn’t believe that I would like it as much as I did and that I would go back a second time and fuck him three times that night.”

 

“No doubt,” Lincoln said, his expression irritatingly anodyne.

 

Logan was so frustrated but in addition, now that he was opening up inside, by this point he was so hot and horny for Lincoln, he wanted to grab him, rip off his clothes and fuck him right there on the couch. However, feeling impatient for an answer, Logan decided to be even more direct.

 

“The thing is, Lincoln, I loved it and I haven’t been with a woman since. I just can’t stop thinking about it and I want it again and I want it with someone I’m attracted to, someone like you, Link.”

 

Logan was amazed how direct he ended up being. It was the way he had been toward women for years. Finally, since the second night with Aydin, he felt free and he also felt his sexual nature coming back. He had pushed through his repressing fear of what he knew he really wanted and suddenly he was filled with hope and could feel movement in his jeans.

 

“Logan, are you telling me you’re gay?”

 

“Yeah, I guess I am, Link.”

 

“Logan, I had no idea that you were gay or even into men.”

 

“Link, I’ve known for a long time but I’ve always been too afraid to admit it or to do anything about it,” Logan explained.

 

Stretching out his expletive to elaborate his disbelief, Lincoln said, “Fuck.”

 

Uncertain of what Lincoln was truly feeling, Logan asked, “What?”

 

“Logan, I’m gay, too.”

 

“Why didn’t you say something?”

 

“Logan, do you have any idea of the way you seemed to me? I mean really, you seemed so straight and sometimes subtly homophobic and all you ever talked about was fucking women,” Lincoln clarified.

 

“So, I mean, why did you want me to travel with you, Link?”

 

“Because I’ve been really hot for you since the day we met and I always hoped you might be bisexual or something and that you might put the hard word on me,” Lincoln explained.

 

“I didn’t even know you were gay, Link. Hell, I hardly even knew I was gay.”

 

“Well, I’ve never been the type to make the first move with guys but where you were concerned, Logan, no matter how much I wanted you, you seemed like a risky proposition. I always thought that if I said something you might get aggressive. It was a little incongruous because I seriously wanted you but I was also uncertain and scared of you,” Lincoln said.

 

“Scared of me?”

 

“Logan, as I just said, I thought you were straight. Do you have any idea the risks involved for a gay man to let a straight man know he wants him to fuck him? Do the words gay bashing mean anything to you?”

 

“So why did you let me come here and stay with you?”

 

“Wishful thinking and hope,” Lincoln replied.

 

“You’re still interested in me?”

 

“Logan, I’ve wanted you since the day we met on the plane to Egypt. If I’d known back then what you’ve just told me, we never would have made it to the Pyramids. My hope that you’d cross the line was the reason I asked you to come to Mauritius with me. I was really disappointed you didn’t come to Africa with me. That’s what I was hedging around a few minutes ago. I always had this feeling about you but I always doubted it. I had this dual notion in my head that I didn’t have a chance but at the same time, I let my vain hope lead me because I’ve always wanted you to fuck me. I imagined some drunken night with you that would lead to us to being fuck-buddies all over Africa,” Lincoln clarified further.

 

“Shit, is that why you’ve been introducing me to all those gay men? Have you been trying to get me to come out or to let me know you were gay?”

 

“Yeah but I was beginning to think all my efforts were futile,” Lincoln said.

 

“They  weren’t,” Logan replied.

 

“Well, the question I’m about to ask you is about as assertive as anyone will ever see me, so, Logan, what are you waiting for?”

 

Logan lunged to the centre of the couch. He grabbed Lincoln forcefully before he pulled him down on top of him desperately.

 

Lincoln started kissing Logan and squeezing his cock through his jeans. A few minutes later, they were both naked and minutes after that they were in the middle of a sex storm that went on all night long.

 

Lincoln fell asleep at around four in the morning but Logan lay awake. For a long time he had a huge smile on his face because he had finally accepted the truth about himself. It had taken a long time and he had suffered through a lot of self-imposed angst but finally he was free.

 

Later he could not stop thinking about the psychic. He pulled the memories back and recalled with amazing clarity, everything that had been said to him. Logan instantly thought that the man was incredible. Even though he cut the psychic reading short, there was not one thing Paul had said that was not true.

 

Logan then considered that though he had thought at the time that there was no purpose to his being in London, maybe there was something to all this destiny stuff after all. He thought that perhaps meeting Paul was the reason he was meant to go there. Maybe he needed that man to help open up his imprisoned thoughts.

 

Considering the man he had been back then, Logan found it quite intriguing that he had spent three months with a gay couple. At the time he had given Colin and Mark’s sexuality little thought and tended to only focus on the fun times they had in the clubs or when they hung out. They were really nice guys even though there had been nothing more to it. It seemed London had been a necessary place to introduce him to what he feared.

 

Logan then thought about Canada and Aydin. He may have been drunk and stoned out of his mind but that first night changed everything. He knew there was no doubting it because he had gone back a second time. Not only that but he did it without the “I was so drunk” excuse.

 

Logan smiled when he recalled Paul saying he needed to knock down the wall he had built. “What a fucking wall it was,” he thought.

 

Thinking of all these things, his thoughts eventually turned back to Aaron. It made him wonder if Aaron really was gay and by extension, if Aaron had really been in love with him. The thought never would have crossed Logan’s mind that Aaron was gay. Even if it had, Logan knew he would have dismissed it because Aaron showed no evidence to the contrary. They were such close friends that Logan believed he would have known. Still, now the question was really out there and active in his mind.

 

As he lay naked in the dark beside Lincoln, Logan wondered how Aaron was doing and he also felt guilty that he had stopped writing to him. He knew at that moment, exactly why he had done it. Originally, all those years ago, he had been scared to let himself be gay. On the day he met the psychic, though, Paul’s suggestive words had scared the hell out of him. The psychic’s words had brought that memory to the surface and that memory had forced him to remember the way he had felt about Aaron. He knew he did not understand it as an adolescent but as an adult, he had understood it all too well, despite his enforced denial.

 

In that moment in the dark, as he remembered that night in the dark with Aaron, Logan knew he had never felt that way before and he had never felt that way since. Eventually, with the passage of time following that night with Aaron, those powerful emotions had scared him so much when combined with all his other thoughts. By the time he had begun to enter into adulthood; Logan had therefore been willing to adopt a narrow-minded attitude, so he did not have to face that reality about himself or what he truly felt for Aaron.

 

Logan sighed softly. He knew it was pathetic but as a consequence of it all, Logan realised he had possibly destroyed a friendship. He had pushed a lifelong friendship into the too-hard basket, all because of some fucked-up fear.

 

Wondering how Aaron was, Logan also wondered if Aaron hated him and he wondered if he would ever see or speak to him again. He wished he could see him at that moment but he knew he had no plans on going home. He still had South America and other places to see as well and he also knew he wanted to go back to the Mediterranean, where, if at all, he would finish up his travels where he had begun. Still, he thought he would probably end up staying overseas for years to come.

 

The thought crossed Logan’s mind that he should write to Aaron again but he felt so guilty and knew that Aaron would want to know why he had broken contact with him. He thought that if Aaron were not gay, it would be a hard task to explain. Instantly he thought that if Aaron were gay, it would be even harder. Logan hated himself so much at that moment but thinking out of sight, out of mind; he just put it off again.

 

Logan and Lincoln hit it off and apart from work, clubbing and sleep they were sex obsessed. Once Lincoln realised where Logan was at within himself, he took him out to gay bars and began to acclimate the hot newbie to the gay world. They worked, they lived and they partied hard but none so much as they fucked. If they were not having sex in the bedroom, it was on the benches in the kitchen, on the couch or the floor in the living room or they would have sex wherever and then go to shower, only to have sex while they showered and then return to bed to have sex again. They were like machines and Lincoln seemed to love being fucked as much as Logan loved fucking him.

 

After well over two months of consistent, hot sex with a friend, Logan began to feel feelings for Lincoln. Subsequently, he began to think about getting a green card and staying in America with Lincoln. The other countries and all of his desired travels unexpectedly seemed of little consequence. His attitudes and his priorities were changing and though it surprised him, Logan knew that he was really beginning to like Lincoln. He raised the idea to Lincoln out of the blue and within twenty-four hours their relationship changed.

 

In a similar fashion to Aydin, Lincoln was fundamentally a sex hound. He may have been an extremely submissive bottom, however, for him, at his age and within the life he was living, he was not looking for anything more. He just wanted to find hot, masculine hunks and let them fuck him in between the rest of his life. The simple thought of anything deeper than a sex-based relationship was too much. Regardless of their friendship, Lincoln had always wanted Logan to fuck him. Over the last month, it had been almost all they were doing and with a guy as handsome, hot and horny as Logan, Lincoln had been in his fantasy heaven.

 

Heavy commitments held no interest for Lincoln. He did not want to even think about that sort of intensity. He perceived emotional intensity in relationships as chains to sexual freedom. Just the thought of that cooled his sexual heat. The next time they tried to have sex, Lincoln could not get hard and Logan seemed to have lost his allure. Real commitment and true feelings were not what he wanted. He finally told Logan how he felt and in essence, it was the end of what they had together.

 

This was an “in your face” learning curve for Logan. It was strange because he understood where Lincoln was coming from. Logan had been that way with women all along. For years women had fallen for him or wanted more from him but he never wanted more from them. Logan had now discovered his true self. He was gay, he wanted to be gay but above all else, he wanted a partner and love.

 

It really was the strangest thing because even when he believed he was into women, he never wanted love and only wanted to fuck his brains out. Now, suddenly he wanted a lover, he wanted the lover to be a man and he wanted a man he could live with. It was a little unnerving to admit, however, Logan realised that he did not commit to women or fall in love with them, simply because it was not a woman he had wanted. He had always been gay but unable to admit the truth to himself.

 

Logan was not in love with Lincoln but the new feelings of caring deeply for a man who was not only his friend but that he was also fucking like a rabbit in heat, only served to make the end of their time together quite difficult. It was not difficult for Lincoln because for him it was just a sidestep. For Logan though, it showed him the true nature of their friendship and how little it meant to Lincoln.

 

Logan did not need Lincoln to tell him it was over, however, he asked if he could stay for a few days to sort out where he would go to next. Lincoln was agreeable but suggested it would be best if Logan returned to and slept in the spare room from then on.

 

Over the next day, Logan began to wonder what he would do and where he should go but he also gave plenty of thought to the man he was and particularly, to the man he wanted to be. He actually felt a little like a snow globe, as he shook himself to the core and turned his clear self-portrait into a storm of new attitudes, beliefs and feelings. In fact, it would take a couple of days before the snow settled and revealed a completely different picture existed.

 

When the two days of self analysis and reflection were over, barely a few hours went by before he had made a decision and booked himself yet another flight to yet another place. Logan felt oddly happy while strangely apprehensive and he thought that no matter what happened next, a new life was about to begin.

 

Four days after Lincoln had told him it was over, Logan walked out of Kingsford Smith International Airport into the Sydney sun. Two and a half hours after alighting the QANTAS flight from Los Angeles, he was sitting on Aaron’s bed and looking at a photograph. He had searched for signs of the presence of men within Aaron’s room but there was only the one thing that alluded to another man. It was the photo of Aaron and him at eighteen. It had been taken the day before he headed off to his starting point in Greece.

 

Sitting on the bed with the photo in hand, the memory of that day rushed back. It was a great day and a special day but as Logan sat and he heard Aaron noisily moving about in the kitchen, Logan suddenly recalled how Aaron had been so insistent that they spend his entire last day together.

 

Aaron had wanted to be with him from waking to going to sleep. They had gone to the beach in the morning, before Aaron had taken him to a seafood restaurant for lunch. In the afternoon they had gone on a harbour cruise before stopping at Luna Park and riding the rollercoaster three times in a row. After going home and showering, on Aaron’s insistence, they had gotten really dressed up. Aaron had then taken him to dinner at an amazing and expensive restaurant in the city. It was called Altitude and was on the thirty-sixth level of the Shangri-La Hotel. It overlooked Sydney and the harbour. It was stunning and Logan had a great time along with a beautiful meal.

 

Logan remembered how initially he felt bad that Aaron was spending such an exorbitant amount of money on him. When they arrived, he kept telling Aaron it was too expensive but Aaron just kept saying it was a going away gift and to stop worrying about things that did not concern him.

 

Logan focused on the photo. He even remembered what they were laughing about when the stranger accepted the camera and took the shot for them. Aaron had pulled Logan against him and wrapped his arm around him. As Logan’s arm automatically wrapped around Aaron’s waist, even though he had been fucking girls for several years, still the fear of his sexuality and of his feelings for Aaron would occasionally rise up to plague him.

 

With all the strangers passing by their position and even the Asian man holding the camera in front of them, Logan feared they would think that he was gay. Somehow the thought terrified him. A moment later, when his mind focused on the feeling of Aaron’s body against his, all of his thoughts and feelings from the previous five years temporarily escaped their prison. He wanted Aaron to hold him but he felt embarrassed and Logan suddenly felt incredibly insecure about his sexuality. He wanted to pull away but he knew if he did, Aaron would wonder why. Instead he made a joke to cover the feelings that only he knew existed. It was spontaneous and not very creative but Logan could not think of anything else to say.

 

“Ary, I’ll let you put your arm around me but I’m not going to be your boyfriend. I’m not a fag and you’re not allowed to suck my enormous cock,” Logan remembered saying.

 

Both he and Aaron had laughed uproariously but even so, they both pulled closer together, their cheeks touching and then the man had taken the photo.

 

Finally, Logan remembered the following day at the airport. He had checked in, followed all the procedures and then he and Aaron sat drinking coffee until the call came for him to board his flight. Aaron had gone silent almost immediately. Aaron followed him, a half step behind but to the side of his shoulder and as far as he was allowed to go with him. When they reached that place and he turned around, Aaron stood frozen and just stared at him.

 

In those last few moments, Logan could feel his heart breaking, knowing he was about to leave Aaron behind. He tried to push the feelings away but he knew he wanted to cry. He bit his tongue until the pain intervened but then he saw Aaron’s eyes well with tears. He almost turned away but Aaron grabbed him, pulled him into an embrace and hugged him like there would be no tomorrow. The final call occurred, resonating throughout the terminal, as Aaron’s arms held him tight. He pulled away.

 

Logan now remembered that final moment. He had not known how to press stop or even pause on the feelings roiling in his chest. All the words in his head seemed too much or not enough. All he had known was that he had to get away because he could see no other choice.

 

“See you soon,” he had said indifferently and simply turned away, even though there was nothing simple about it. Without looking back at the handsome face of the young man who owned his heart, he handed over his boarding pass and continued on down the passage toward the plane.

 

Logan shook his head, turned and looked at the empty bedroom doorway, knowing that man was just out of sight, now only mere steps away. He whispered in Aaron’s direction, “I was such a fucking fool.”

 

Considering what the psychic had said, he wondered if there really had been more to their friendship than had met the eye. Aaron really had cared about him more than Logan had realised and he had shown it on that shared penultimate day. Logan wondered if Aaron’s love had been more than the love of an incredible friendship. At the moment, it certainly seemed to be more. It suddenly and clearly occurred that the psychic’s statement that Aaron was in love with him was past tense.

 

He had heard Paul’s words, he had taken them in and he had even used them to create his bullshit reasons for his denial. Now though, sitting there in Aaron’s bedroom, they meant something completely different. Still, he struggled to imagine that Aaron had loved him before he left and that he could possibly have continued to love him while he was gone. Logan wondered, “Could Aaron still love me now?”

 

Arriving back in Australia, Logan knew he was already looking at everything so differently but now, as he sat there, other things also seemed to make so much more sense.

 

Six months ago he had been a complete stranger to his current self. Three months ago he had been a blundering explorer, pioneering a new land but today, he barely even recognised those former selves. His perspectives had been altering for the last four months but they had particularly altered in the last four days. The way he looked at things now took in a broader view. It accompanied so much more detail and possibilities, now that his narrow-mindedness and fears had been curtailed.

 

Life made so much sense now. So many things made more sense now but the only thing he was not certain of was the true nature of his relationship to Aaron. Logan knew it was the real and major reason for why he had returned to Australia, however, in his mind were many ramifications to what that truth could mean.

 

There was no doubt in Logan’s mind that as young boys he and Aaron had been the best of friends. Now however, knowing what he had experienced from eleven to thirteen, knowing what he had run away from in Toronto just over four months ago and finally, due to what he had now accepted, Logan felt confused regarding his true connection with Aaron. They were friends and had always been friends but if Aaron had or did love him, surely that made things different. Then there were Logan’s own feelings, which had been imprisoned for ten years. Did those feelings even exist anymore? Was he just a new, gay man out of the closet and was Aaron just an easy target?

 

If the psychic were right about Aaron being gay and also that he was in love with him, Logan wondered how long Aaron had lived with those feelings for him. If Paul was right, which Logan found difficult not to believe, then Logan could relate to the feelings that Aaron must have felt from hiding the truth. It had been a difficult admission for Logan to admit he was gay but the difference was Logan was hiding from the man he truly was at a time while his self-concept was all that mattered.

 

Logan thought Aaron’s circumstances were altogether different. Aaron had always been an emotive type of guy. He had always been someone who shared his feelings and expressed them honestly and openly. He was also the type of person who seriously considered other people and their feelings, before he decided how he would deal with any given situation. Therefore, Aaron would have taken into account that his friend spoke and acted like a narrow-minded arsehole but he still would have adapted for the benefit of his friend accordingly.

 

Logan sighed. This knowledge made him clearer about the friend he had left behind and he also realised the importance of his friend in the kitchen. Logan believed that everything he had thought was correct and again, if the psychic was also correct, he knew Aaron would have denied his nature for him.

 

Logan hated that thought, particularly because it was one more thoughtless and unnecessary influence he had caused in Aaron’s life. In effect, Logan realised he would have broken Aaron’s heart and then pissed off overseas and cut him out of his life.

 

To Logan, Aaron had been the best friend a guy could have. He thought so before he left and he definitely thought the same thing now. He was just not sure exactly what or who was out there waiting for him in the kitchen. In the past, a friend was all Aaron could be to him. If Aaron really did love him, then loving someone, wanting someone and believing you could never have the person; it must have been some sort of hell. Logan put the photo back and stood up. He sighed sombrely and then turned around and left the bedroom, heading for the kitchen to discover the man that Aaron had become.

 

To be continued...