Chapter 12 

 

As curious as Eric was to hear what Nick could possibly tell him, which could somehow explain and make his mind clearer about the man he was beginning to view very differently; Eric was already looking at Nick differently, in a more personal and connected way. The growing closeness he was feeling was making even inconsequential actions more noticeable, while the odd thing Nick said or did, seemed to be becoming more endearing to him.

 

In a way it was unsettling to Eric because he had never felt such strong feelings for a desired, sexual encounter. Being sexually attracted to a man was no surprise but feeling connected and like the man was getting under his skin, definitely was not familiar. He knew these were feelings of friendship toward Nick that were different but in general, Eric always kept the worlds of friendship and sex divided. He wanted Nick like no other man but even so, for the first time Eric felt those two worlds were bleeding into one. For four years he had been hot and hungry for Nick’s body but now, he felt the growth and the need of a friendship with this man.

 

Eric and Nick had returned to the living room but as he sat waiting for Nick to begin his explanation, he thought it was cute the way Nick was quiet and yet thoughtful, as he struggled with how to begin. Eric’s amusement was to be short lived, though. There was no way he could even imagine what was about to follow.

 

Eric queried, not grasping what the holdup was, “Is this hard for you or is it just hard to start?”

 

“A bit of both,” Nick said.

 

“Why don’t you begin at the beginning and let it flow naturally,” Eric suggested.

 

Nick half-heartedly chuckled and said, “The question is, where is the beginning?”

 

“Well, Nick, you were referring to your life being shit and inferring what happened to you was the cause of everything. At least that was how I interpreted what you said in the kitchen. If I were to try to get you started, I guess I’d ask if there was a specific event that initiated whatever happened.”

 

“My conception,” Nick replied without a second thought and with complete absoluteness in his voice.

 

“Start there, then,” Eric said.

 

Nick said with surprise, “Are you telling me you’d be prepared to hear my life story?”

 

“Whatever is relevant, Nick. I’m not suggesting you tell me every detail of the last twenty-seven years, only what will explain why you are the way you are. You don’t seem to realize this but you are somewhat of an enigma to me. Even more so after the information you’ve already revealed. Not a lot about you makes much sense,” Eric said.

 

Nick nodded. He understood because there was so much about him no one knew. He lived in a kind of silent darkness and yet he walked out into the daylight world everyday. He wore a façade to resemble everyone but he did not interact like everyone else. He recalled the shocked and surprised looks on Eric’s face when he said certain things to him earlier, plus there were the looks of curiosity Eric expressed, when he did not understand things Eric said, which apparently were common knowledge. To add fuel to the fire, he had told Eric certain personal things but given him no reasons for why. Nick knew those things would not add up without some background knowledge. Again he nodded, this time agreeably and he immediately began with the most simple and basic fact.

 

“Well, on June the fifth of nineteen eighty-four, I was born in Dorchester in Boston, Massachusetts,” Nick said.

 

“You don’t have a heavy or even a slight Bostonian accent,” Eric remarked.

 

“I was only born there, I didn’t live or grow up there,” Nick clarified.

 

“Right,” Eric said.

 

“My mother decided to make us a life elsewhere and so around three weeks after I was born, she was driving west,” Nick continued.

 

Eric asked, “What about your father?”

 

“I guess he’s integral to the story but in my mind he’s another story altogether,” Nick answered enigmatically.

 

“Okay,” Eric said curiously.

 

“Maybe I should get the two of them out of the way first, after all, I did say it was my conception where it all began,” Nick suggested.

 

“I think maybe I should shut up and keep my mouth closed. I’ll stop asking questions and making remarks. I’ll let you talk without interruption,” Eric said.

 

Nick nodded agreeably but then while still focused on the thoughts in his mind, he began.

 

“Helen Madonna Rawlins was my mother. She was nineteen when I was conceived. Her father, Ezekiel, was a preacher but from what I’ve learned, he was a zealot with strict ideas, which he enforced like a tyrant on the family. I guess I would say he was a dictator. Her mother, Charlotte, was one of those stay quiet and say nothing kind of people and followed Ezekiel’s word like he had a direct line to God. To be honest with you, Eric, I can’t even imagine living in that sort of environment, not that I know specifically what it was like but from what I’ve found out, it doesn’t sound like it would have been a fun place to grow up in.”

 

Eric was already interested and listening intently but with so little having been revealed, he was impatient for Nick to get on with the story and also get down to the important stuff. He was also very curious that Nick had suggested twice, he had to discover details about his family.

 

“There were four children, the oldest a boy and then three girls. My mother was the third born. She had a high school sweetheart whose name was Tim Ryan. Tim came from a respected Dorchester family and they were well to do and also members of Ezekiel’s congregation. They supported the church financially and it was probably only that fact that influenced Ezekiel enough, to allow my mother to be involved with Tim.

 

“They fell in love or so it seemed but in nineteen eighty-three, two years after Tim and Helen had left school, Tim’s father got a great job in California. He took the position and the family was moving away.

 

“On Tim’s final night in Boston, he and my mother went out. At the end of the night they parked in his car and he told her he was in love with her. He then told her if she proved her love to him and gave herself to him completely, he would stay in Boston, get a job and they would get married and start a life together.

 

“So on that November night, my mother submitted with love and illusions of a long and happy life with Tim. It was hard for her because of her religious beliefs and background but she believed it wouldn’t matter if she were soon to marry Tim. She embraced him completely, beginning a sequence of events that would shatter lives and influence histories for decades to come. I was conceived that night.”

 

Nick picked up his coffee and took a drink, glancing at Eric to see the expression on his face. Nick was wondering if Eric was truly interested in events that had nothing to do with him and had also taken place nearly three decades beforehand. Happily, Nick could see Eric’s eyes were interested and focused on him while waiting.

 

“The next morning Helen got out of bed and rushed out the door to visit Tim. She was devastated when she arrived to find an empty house, only to have a neighbor inform her that the Ryan family had left for California first thing that morning. When she arrived home she went straight to her sister, Mary. Of the children, Mary was the youngest but only a year younger than my mother and they were also as close as two sisters could be. They were friends as well as sisters.

 

“Anyway, they sat in the bedroom they had shared for years and she told Mary everything while she cried from heartbreak that Tim was gone. She didn’t hate him, though. She believed in him completely and believed something else had to be involved to make him do what he did. Even when Mary suggested he used her to have his way with her, my mother denied it forcefully and said their love was real. At no point in her life did she doubt him.

 

“You know, Eric, it showed me there was a very large difference between my mother and the man I am. As I said to you earlier, I’m not big on trust but it seemed to me that she, at least in the respect of Tim, was naïve and gullible.”

 

Eric showed no noticeable change in expression but as much as he understood what Nick was saying, he questioned what the truth was and wondered about the reality of Nick’s father’s actions. He did not doubt that Tim may have been an asshole and tried to use emotional circumstances to get laid without repercussions. However, a certain side of Eric’s nature niggled at him and so the question remained in his mind. He also thought it was strange how Nick said my mother but he never used the word father and always referred to the man as Tim.

 

Eric also thought Nick’s remark about trust was ignorant. He thought trust was either nurtured or destroyed and if Nick lacked trust then something had to have destroyed that trust. Eric could not relate to Nick suggesting his mother was one way and he was another in regard to trust, as if it were part of a genetic package. He thought there was more to trust than a person either did or did not and he also thought it was not a constant and immovable thing.

 

“So, despite a positive choice based on good intentions, six weeks later after missing her menstrual cycle, my mother knew a life was forming inside of her. The thing was, she was an honest girl, she loved her family and she believed that no matter what, honesty was the best policy. She also believed her family would stand by her and would support her through the difficult times ahead. She chose not to heed Mary’s warning and she approached her parents with little concept of how wrong she would be.

 

“As the influence of the strictures of theology so often do, my mother found herself confronted by their negative side and also their direct effect on her. Subsequently, she was cast out of the family and left alone to fend for herself. Ezekiel called my mother a Jezebel when she refused to adopt out what he referred to as the bastard child,” Nick said and paused, a slight but noticeable grimace on his face.

 

“I’m sorry,” Eric said, knowing the words ‘bastard child’ were the cause of Nick’s expression.

 

Nick acknowledged Eric impassively but continued instantly, “Less than an hour later, my mother found herself standing outside the front door, looking at the sad face and crying eyes of Mary, through the parted curtains of the window. Eventually turning away reluctantly, she descended the stairs, walked to her car and got in. She looked up at the house, smiled and waved to Mary reassuringly and then she drove away, knowing that there was only one person and one place where she could go.

 

“My mother’s best friend from school was Karen Bates. She and her family were not religious and Karen’s parents had encouraged her to have a broad and open mind. To my mother, Karen had always been a puzzling and unpredictable presence in her life. She was intrigued by Karen’s non-belief but loved her and became her friend.

 

“Years previous, when my mother had spoken of Karen to her parents, Ezekiel told her she was not allowed to see Karen. In his mind, like all non-believers, she was one of the children of Satan. Despite acknowledging Ezekiel’s instruction, she maintained their friendship secretly. By the time they had finished school, their connection had remained strong.

 

“Karen was the one person my mother knew she could trust implicitly, other than Mary. She drove directly to the Bates home and on Karen’s advice, in an extended and private conversation, she explained her predicament to Karen’s parents.

 

“John and Bethany Bates were incredible in my mother’s eyes. They didn’t judge her and they didn’t criticize her but rather, they instantly treated her as if she was a part of the family. Karen’s parents understood the dilemma and told her she could stay with them for as long as she required.

 

“It was a difficult nine months that followed. As grateful as she was, in her mind in many ways she was still alone. She missed the regularity and constancy of her family, despite the stringency. However, with the Bates family’s support and also having Mary visiting her regularly without Ezekiel’s knowledge, eventually the time came.

 

“I was delivered without complication or incident and apparently my mother was instantly glowing and doting. She and I remained with Karen’s family for three weeks following my birth but with a belief in mind that she needed to begin a new life for both of us, she decided it was time to leave.

 

“Karen’s mother and father tried to talk her out of what she was planning. They liked her, felt sorry for her and confirmed she was welcome to stay with them.  However, John was unwilling to interfere in her choices and so, though he believed it was an unwise move for a young and single, unemployed mother, he secretly handed her a large sum of money in an envelope and wished her well.

 

“My mother packed what little of a life she had into her car and drove away, not knowing where she would go. She told Mary and the Bates family she would contact them once she was settled and then with apprehension but also with excitement, she waved goodbye until their faces disappeared from view. I don’t know when or how she decided but at some point she settled on her choice of location - Michigan.

 

“I have no idea what happened on the drive between Massachusetts and Michigan but after rounding Lake Erie, some time later as she headed into Detroit, a red light was run by some asshole, her vehicle was struck against the driver’s side door and my mother was killed instantly.”

 

“Oh my god, Nick,” Eric said, his face stunned.

 

Nick showed no emotion at all to what he had revealed. He also seemed to look straight through Eric’s horrified reaction. It was like the information was not worth consideration or respect and it also seemed it did not affect him. Eric was truly surprised.

 

“I was rushed to hospital but I was perfectly fine. Years later I learned the authorities contacted the family but Ezekiel, whom they spoke with, showed no concern whatsoever. He felt nothing from the loss of his daughter and was consumed by the thought she had sinned against God. He believed without question it was God’s punishment and therefore, also a confirmation of his decision to cast her out. He felt no remorse or guilt and couldn’t see his actions were directly influential. When he was questioned in regard to my welfare, Ezekiel refused responsibility to take in and care for me. He also denied any knowledge and information regarding Tim.”

 

“What an asshole,” Eric said reactively but with extreme venom.

 

“I don’t know why exactly but I was kept at the hospital for three months before I was delivered into professional, foster care. I still have memories of the years during that time and also of the house I lived in. I also remember the six other children that lived there but more specifically, I remember my foster mom, Lauren Baker. Years later I discovered while I was searching for some information, at the time of my arrival Lauren was a forty-five-year-old woman with a very large home. She never married and she made it her life’s work to foster children that were desperately in need. She cared for newborn to sixteen-year-olds for twenty years.

 

“I think the reason I have strong memories of that time is because I looked at Lauren as my mother. I even remember when I was four years old, she sat me down and explained she wasn’t my mother. It was the moment I learned I had another mother.

 

“Lauren didn’t know any specifics about the woman who had brought me into the world; she knew nothing of Helen’s life or what had happened. She still chose to be honest with me regarding what she knew, telling me we were in a car accident and my mother had died. She explained that was how I had come to be living with her. I didn’t really grasp what she was saying because she was telling me about someone I didn’t know and had never seen or heard of. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe Lauren because I believed in her unshakably and trusted her completely. It’s just that it didn’t seem to touch me at that age and I guess the information didn’t sink in on an emotional level.

 

“Unfortunately it was that same year my world changed again. Lauren, who was then fifty, suffered a debilitating stroke and the foster home had to be closed. She was placed into permanent care and we were all shipped off to wherever the authorities deemed acceptable. I was placed into an orphanage to be raised with a huge amount of other kids. I don’t know how many there were but if my childhood memories are accurate and not some illusion, then I would have to say it was maybe fifty to seventy.”

 

“Holy shit,” Eric said, his mind almost incapable of fathoming the way the circumstances of Nick’s life as a baby and a boy, had shunted him from one place to another.

 

Again Nick seemed completely unemotional. Eric did not realize but Nick was brushing over what he was feeling, trying to subdue the intensity of what was rising up inside him and so he continued on like nothing unusual had been said.

 

“It was a State run facility but I remember in those first months I hated it. I just wanted Lauren and to go back home but of course that was never going to happen. I remember crying all the time for what then seemed like weeks or months but as is the way of people, children or adults alike, we eventually adapt and fit in.

 

“The reality of an orphanage such as the one I was placed in, is the people who work there may be professionals but it’s a job and they go home to their own lives. There was no pandering to individuals because there were simply too many kids. It isn’t personal in the way it was with Lauren. I was expected to adapt, toughen up and deal with my situation, which I eventually did.”

 

Eric did not say anything but he could not imagine what that had to be like for a five-year-old boy. He had read books and seen movies where kids were raised in orphanages, often hellholes and the like, so it was hard for him not to imagine Nick caught up in difficult circumstances and like some variation of Oliver Twist.

 

Nick noticed the look in Eric’s eyes and he felt a need to justify or explain.

 

“Eric, the change in me was due to the nature of my circumstances rather than a natural progression but I think it was probably a good thing. I think it toughened me up. I don’t remember when it happened but I do remember being happy and smiling and at some point later, I was one of many and felt like I fit in pretty well. I started school the following year and time began to fly by quickly. I was good at school, good at sports and I enjoyed the time with the other kids.

 

“I had a really good friend named Jake and he and I were always together. He was a bit like a brother to me. Our only problem, as far as Jake and I were concerned, was no husband and wife seemed to be interested in either of us. Being taken into a family or being the child who would be the start of a couple’s family, really was a big thing to us. We both wanted it but the years kept passing us by. When we were both eleven, it finally changed for Jake and gave me hope. Jake was chosen and as much as I hated he was leaving me, I was still really happy for him and began to believe it would happen for me as well.

 

“I was considered a smart kid and a responsible kid and so by the next year, I was asked to help out the administrator’s assistant in her office on certain days of the week. She was updating the files and I was putting them in order and then filing them alphabetically in the cabinets. On one particular day, the administrator buzzed her and asked her to come into his office. She told me to keep working and walked through the doorway. As she closed the door, the latch didn’t catch and the door remained ajar. I didn’t care and wasn’t interested in what they were doing or saying but their voices carried outside and I heard their entire conversation. What I heard changed me.

 

“Mr Pool, the administrator, began to tell Mrs Druitt that despite the process to screen prospective parents, one of the fostered children had been abused mentally, emotionally and physically.

 

“Eric, you have to understand how we all wanted to be chosen. It was like the prize that awaited us if we were one of the lucky ones. There may have been the odd kids who didn’t want to be fostered and tried to sabotage its occurrence but for most of us, it was about a life in the outside world. It was the idea of a home and people that wanted us, in the same way parents wanted other children around the world. It was sort of the end of the rainbow.”

 

“Nick, I can easily understand how you must have lived in hope,” Eric replied and Nick nodded and continued.

 

“The thing was that hearing what Mr Pool said, it crept inside of me and my first thought was what if it happens to me. A minute later, Mrs Druitt asked which child it was and Mr Pool told her it was Jake Constantine. He went on to say that Jake was in an institution and that according to the psychiatrists, he seemed irreparably damaged because he had been mentally and emotionally disassembled.

 

“Eric, it was the days that followed that really got to me. Jake was on my mind all the time and I couldn’t stop thinking about and guessing what it was that had happened to him. Maybe it was the not knowing and the not understanding but the more I thought about it, the less I wanted someone to choose me. The words abused and disassembled, lost their more simple definition and their meaning became monsters of the unknown. They scared the hell out of me and I couldn’t sleep at night.

 

“With all the thinking, I started considering other things and then something else occurred to me. I thought about how my real mother had been taken from me and how I’d never got to see her or know her. I then thought about Lauren and how she had been taken from me as well. Unexpectedly and in a way I couldn’t believe and didn’t even understand, my best friend, Jake, had also been taken from me. I wondered if it was my fault, something about me that made it happen. I may have been twelve years old and smart enough to know better but as I lay in my bed, I felt trapped and uncertain and I was so afraid. My life was about to change again, in ways I could never imagine.

 

“Three nights after overhearing that conversation about Jake, I climbed out a window and I ran away from the orphanage. I had no idea where to go or what to do and I didn’t even think about how I would survive. I took nothing but the clothes on my back because I wasn’t thinking about the future or my needs. All I knew was that I had to escape and I would never allow adults or authority figures to determine what happened or where I went. I no longer felt safe,” Nick said and his eyes showed the depth of his memory, as his head turned and he stared at a blank wall.

 

Eric felt self-conscious because he knew he was staring at Nick. It had nothing to do with looking at him but rather it was the way he knew he was looking at him. He was unnerved because it had happened to Nick and therefore it bothered him even more deeply. He knew he should look away and normalize his expression but somehow he just could not tear his gaze from Nick’s face or change the look of sadness. Eric was not ignorant to the trials, tribulations and atrocities of life but what he was hearing about a boy, from birth to twelve years of age, was firstly tragic and secondly because it was Nick, felt more like it was in his own backyard.

 

The afternoon and the evening had connected them in the most unexpected way but now he felt even closer to Nick than he had ever thought would be possible. There were so many reasons but particularly because of what Nick had said in the kitchen, about being his friend. All of this new information felt like it was being stapled to his heart.

 

Even though it was really only moments, they were long and extended moments, as Nick stared at the wall and thought of his long lost friend. Nick was now a man and those ugly words were now understood but still his adult reasoning did not make it any easier to imagine Jake; caught and imprisoned and unable to escape. Nick often thought of Jake and sometimes he still cried but as he felt those emotions returning yet again, he turned and looked at Eric and his expression changed with remarkable immediacy. He smiled.

 

Nick said in all seriousness, “Are you bored yet?”

 

Eric was stunned and asked, “What?”

 

Nick looked at Eric and said, “Well that was the beginning, do you want to hear more or have you heard enough?”

 

There was no humor in Nick’s tone and his expression was serious when he said what he said. Eric looked at him taken aback. He knew he heard clearly but he still wondered if he had misheard him or if he had interpreted his expression incorrectly.

 

“Nick. Don’t be flippant about something as important as your life. Particularly after some of the things you’ve just told me. How could I be bored when I can barely accept what you’ve been through? Of course I’m not bored and of course I want to know more,” Eric replied while not immediately grasping what was actually happening.

 

Nick nodded and said, “Well, we’ve still got a way to go, do you want another coffee and maybe something to eat?”

 

Eric replied, “Coffee would be great but why don’t we order in a couple of pizzas?”

 

“Sounds like a plan,” Nick replied and while he went to make the drinks, Eric made the call and ordered the food. It was after Eric had ordered and put down the phone, he suddenly realized Nick was hiding and holding in his hurt. Many of his reactions suddenly made sense. Eric knew that many people hid emotions behind humor or superficiality and he instantly knew that Nick was reacting in a similar fashion. He made a mental note to be aware of the trait so he would recognize what was happening next time it occurred.

 

Once they were both seated again and awaiting the arrival of the pizzas, Nick returned to the story, somewhat pleased that Eric seemed so keen to know and understand.

 

“I didn’t know Detroit or which way was which direction. As kids we were occasionally taken out into the world but over all we lived within those walls. What was on the outside had fundamentally been a mystery of occasional short journeys and imagined places at the end of unknown roads. The world I was soon to get to know, though, was a world of broken dreams, broken buildings and broken lives.

 

“On that night as I walked onto the street, I was fundamentally reacting on autopilot. I just walked and then walked some more and even though I was completely lost and had no idea where I was going, with each step away from the orphanage, the fear concerning being fostered seemed to drain away. There did come a moment, like a midpoint or a barrier that I crossed. It wasn’t a physical location, more a realization but a different fear came to me and I knew I was beyond any recognizable point of my old life.

 

“The surroundings suddenly caught my eye. I realized everything seemed old and was different. Not only the buildings but also the infrastructure and even the feeling in the air was unfamiliar. The dark was darker and the quiet was quieter and I wanted to stop but was too afraid to give my body the order. I walked onto a street, turned down a side street and as I turned out of it onto another, I was staring at around twenty faces staring back at me. They were all kids, some older, some my age and even some younger. I stopped for the first time but I started to walk backwards and they all started to laugh at my reaction.

 

“I could barely breathe and then the heel of my foot hit something and I fell on my ass. Almost all of them laughed uproariously and I felt stupid and so embarrassed. I was already so emotional and I was about to cry but then the strangest thing happened. Another boy, who was small in comparison to most of them, stepped through the center of them all and he yelled at them to stop laughing and to leave me alone. He yelled, “Can’t you see he’s one of us” and then he came to me slowly and knelt down beside me. A moment later a girl followed him out of the group and she stood between them and us with her hands on her hips, looking back at the rest of them. They all went quiet.

 

“The boy told me his name was Dan and that everything would be okay. He asked me if I would trust him and because I didn’t know what else to do, I nodded yes. He helped me to my feet and asked me my name and then he called the girl to come over. He told me she was his sister and her name was Julia. They were both smiling at me and regardless of what I had been through or what I had been feeling as I walked alone that night, I had this new feeling that somehow I was going to be okay.

 

“Not long after, they walked me over to some older boys who were standing together. I learned the one in charge and who made all the decisions was the oldest one. His name was Gavin, he was eighteen and he looked at me and said, “Stick close by and do as we do and you’ll be fine” and then he turned and walked away. The entire group turned instantly and followed him like sheep. It was as simple as that and from that moment I had begun a new life. From that night onward for years to come, I was a street kid.”

 

“Jesus,” Eric said with a gasp of disbelief and then the pizza guy knocked on the door.

 

Nick took the delivery but after a ridiculous clash of wills about who should pay for the food, Nick told Eric to sit down or he would forcibly sit him down. Eric knew Nick was not serious but still he could not believe how he had stepped off like a featherweight who had been facing a heavyweight. Eric knew he was tough and strong and could hold his own but even though he knew innately that Nick would never hurt him, the knowledge that Nick could probably snap him in two, was enough. He walked back to the couch, his male ego bruised and he sat down. Nick was grinning at Eric when he sat beside him and opened the pizzas on the coffee table.

 

“Don’t be smug, you fucking baboon,” Eric said.

 

Nick laughed loudly with true amusement. “You, my friend, are a guest in my home and you do not pay for what happens under my roof.”

 

“You’re still a fucking baboon,” Eric said defeated and Nick laughed again.

 

The two men ate several slices of pizza like they had been starved for a week and then finally they relaxed back into the couch and ate and drank as Nick returned to his story.

 

“I have often thought about it, Eric. I don’t really believe in things that lots of people believe in. I mean I don’t necessarily believe in a god or that we are his puppets on strings. I also don’t think I can believe that life is a gift to us from some all-powerful entity. I don’t believe in destiny or fate or even that life is all about free will and choice. If anything, I’m prone to the idea that the universe works on a chaos theory. No matter what’s true or what isn’t true, there was something about the way that in all the time I was walking that night, I never saw a soul or a car or even a stray dog. I was alone the whole time and in varying ways I was afraid as well but it was the feeling of randomness that surrounded me and filled me.

 

“I may have been young but I remember thinking my whole life had been a succession of random events. An infant, a five-year-old and then a twelve-year-old but there seemed to be no sense to any of it. That night I didn’t know about chaos theory but the chaotic randomness of my existence was a huge neon sign before my eyes. Suddenly, there in front of me were these kids and it was all confirmed.

 

“It really is so easy to fall into belief systems if you let yourself. I could have imagined that an angel led me to where I needed to go but here and now, when I consider the chaotic nature of my early years and then the chaos of what would be my teenage years, I can’t really accept that life is anything more than random. Since that time I have believed our choices are no more than surface scratches on the veneer of an incomprehensible universe.

 

“I have come to believe that as much as human beings want to believe they are something special and represent some higher order, in reality we are just another species of animal with a different variation and degree of consciousness. Life continues to sail on by regardless of our arrogance and self-obsession. No matter what we consider to be right or wrong, no matter what we argue about, what we dream about or even if any one person knows the truth; still the universe continues on its merry way. Stars explode, tsunamis kill hundreds of thousands and while one person is given everything, another is left in a desert in Africa to starve. None of us is special; we are just who and what we are, for as long as we remain alive. I believe the point is to cop it sweet and take it on the chin.

 

“Earlier in the kitchen I must have sounded so full of self-pity and I probably was. In my mind I’ve had it tough and done it hard but I need you to know that the reason I want you to hear this story, isn’t about needing you to feel sorry for me. It’s about at least one person understanding me. I have so desperately wanted someone to know me for so long. I haven’t made it easy for people to get to know me but I’m trying to change that,” Nick completed and looked down.

 

“Nick, you know what? I could go into a long monologue in reply, explaining to you exactly the man I am and what I believe, all so I could bring it down to a common place where you knew I understood you and I knew that you understood me. There is a deeper side to the superficial, sex-obsessed man that I am. It’s not a part of me I display for all to see but it’s still there. However, the point is that though you and I are very different in many ways, I am who I am and I will react how I react and all the explanations in the world won’t change that.

 

“With certain people we know things and I know this isn’t a pity party for you. It isn’t only you who wants me to understand you; I want to understand you as well. I was the one who pushed for the answers and you have been good enough to begin availing those answers to me. You said you wanted me to be your friend. Well, I really like you and I would like you to be my friend as well. I’m very interested to learn all that you’re willing to tell me and as far as I’m concerned, it is the only way for people to become friends. They have to talk, they have to be honest and open with each other and that is how good friendships are formed. There is no reason for you to feel a need to justify your life or self. I’m here with you, I’m interested in what you have to say and if I thought you were full of yourself and wasting my time, I would have already left and gone home. Shit, I guess that was a monologue after all. Anyway, stop worrying and get back to your story,” Eric completed.

 

Nick smiled as he looked at Eric. It was a happy smile and it represented a man who felt good in the presence of another. A connection was forming between them and it was unfamiliar but he liked the feeling. He wanted to say something in reply, to tell Eric how much what he had said meant to him but then he saw the kindest smile in return and also a knowing look in those soft, caramel eyes. It was enough and so Nick returned to the story with a nod of acknowledgement.

 

“So there I was on the street and it took maybe two days before I was settled. I don’t mean I liked where I was or the situation I was in but at least I knew I was okay. It was good to feel free and not to have to worry or care so much. Also, for a while at least, it was good to know I wasn’t directed by routine and the rules of others. Even so, I also knew I had to change if I wanted to remain safe. I didn’t consciously think I had to become hard and strong but it was what happened to me naturally and unconsciously over time,” Nick said.

 

“Bullshit,” Eric said defiantly.

 

Shocked, Nick said, “Excuse me?”

 

“I said bullshit because part of that is bullshit. Nick, you may be a badass and one tough motherfucker but nothing and no one, not even you, will ever get me to believe that you are hard. You my friend are like a chameleon changing its colors to suit its environment and circumstances. I didn’t even realize it until this very moment but it’s true and I now know it. You’ve been busted and your secret is out,” Eric announced.

 

Nick asked, “Another one?”

 

“You opened the door, Nick, I just walked in and looked around,” Eric replied.

 

Nick was amazed but there was nothing he could say because he knew it was true. Even so, he did not agree or deny, he just looked at Eric and gave him a gentle smile. He immediately continued on with his story.

 

“Though there were gangs around, we weren’t a gang as much as we were a pack of homeless kids. It was a really good idea of Gavin’s. He had been on the streets for four years and from the time he arrived; he didn’t want to be amongst the more aggressive of the street life species. Gavin made his own way and eventually other kids of like mind met him and befriended him. Over the years the pack continued to grow.

 

“The thing is, though, leadership can corrupt even the best ideals and the year I arrived, Gavin began to see he had an army of sorts. When numbers surround you, you don’t feel as small or alone. In reality I believe he was a frightened young man but once he had a pack around him, his fear was diminished and he confused it for courage, strength and power. He didn’t go looking for battles but if a threat reared its head, where once he would have turned away, later he considered facing it like a General with a feeling of might.

 

“None of us in the pack wanted to be involved in violent encounters, gang warfare or anything heavily criminal. We were all just frightened, vagrant kids who came together and kept each other alive and sane. We weren’t angels by any standard and though we were miscreants in certain ways, there was no hurtful or evil intent.

 

“Of the entire pack it was Dan and Julia who were the closest people in my life. Julia and I were the same age and Dan was a year younger at eleven. We became really tight, the three of us were never apart and over the next year they became my family. They gave me solace in a world that without their presence and influence, in effect, would have been nothing more than a very lonely place to be.

 

“During the following year something started to happen. I didn’t even notice it at first but a perforation became present in the pack. All of the kids that were younger than me, right up to the same age as me, began to form a group behind me. I mean that literally. While Gavin and the older kids walked, there was this slight division and then there was Julia, Dan and I, followed by the others.

 

“This got on Gavin’s nerves because he thought I was trying to cause problems but I told him I didn’t want to interfere and I just wanted to be like everyone else. He told me to walk with the pack and not allow it to separate and I did but still the younger ones walked behind us.

 

Over the next year I started to grow, not just up but out as well and by the time I turned fifteen, I was not only the tallest in the pack but also I was turning into a very big boy.”

 

“That’s not very hard to believe, Eric said and chuckled.

 

“Probably but I wasn’t always big. Maybe I was big for my age but when I first arrived on the streets, I wasn’t out of the ordinary from the other boys my age. It was fourteen to sixteen when I really began to shoot up like Jack’s beanstalk. Anyway, it was Julia who brought everything together in my mind and explained to me what was happening. She told me kids on the street viewed size, strength, speed and street smarts as key to someone leading them. I knew what she was suggesting and I told her I didn’t want to lead anybody and just wanted to stay safe and make it through each day. She told me she understood but she said because of the man I was turning into, a point would come where decisions would be made. I asked her what she meant but she just shrugged and told me I’d be fine.”

 

“What was it like generally on a day to day level, Eric asked.

 

“Well, it was over a period of ten years, which was divided into two distinct and very different lifestyles. At first, with Gavin, there were no particular rules except that he was our leader and we followed him and did as he did. We were awake when we were awake and we slept when we slept and basically we did as we pleased. The imperative was to avoid the police and social services and so to the best of our abilities, an uncontrolled group of kids stayed in the shadows while being unruly out in the open. We stole food to survive, we stole clothes to stay dressed and we begged if we needed money or food desperately. We always got by and we never hurt anyone physically or directly. We were just kids after all.

 

“It was coming into my sixteenth year when the event that would change things happened. One night a couple of the kids crossed paths with a couple of other kids from one of the gangs. There was a skirmish and when they returned to Gavin and told him, he got hostile even though he didn’t know the full story. He wanted all hands on deck, so to speak. He was prepared to go into battle.

 

“I spoke up and said no, telling him I didn’t want to get into fights with gangs. There was an instant murmuring of agreement from almost everyone and though he accepted it, he wasn’t happy about it. As the night continued in a generally standard way, later, Gavin was suddenly in my face. I hadn’t even noticed it had happened but as everyone was walking and roughhousing and generally being uncontrolled and loutish, a couple of the older guys had stepped to the rear and were walking near me. At the same time the rest of the younger ones had also fallen behind me once more.

 

“I was slammed against a building wall of a ransacked and abandoned theatre and Gavin was spitting his venom at me figuratively and literally, as he asked who I thought I was. As I looked at him in shock I glanced and saw the division of the pack, the majority of the older kids behind him and to his right, while the majority of the younger kids were behind him but to his left. I wasn’t really sure what he meant and when I asked him, he told me I had undermined him earlier but that he wasn’t going to let me do it again.

 

“By that point he was twenty-two and I was only sixteen but even though I had not really been involved in fights of any consequence, I knew I could take him easily. I didn’t want to fight him and I didn’t want to be the cause of anything but I told him that I wasn’t there to fight with gangs or let my friends get hurt to make him happy.

 

“Standing up to Gavin drove him nuts but suddenly I saw the anger in his eyes change as he began to really look at me. I’m not being arrogant but I know he realized he was all talk and that I wasn’t. He pushed hard against my chest, forcing himself back and away from me and as he stood well back, he yelled that I wasn’t there at all and that I could fuck off and take all the kids and any fool that wanted to go with me. He didn’t wait and he turned and walked away, calling to everyone else to follow.

 

“I stood there frozen, stunned and feeling like I had lost my home and family again. A moment later Dan was beside me and holding my shoulder and then Julia was on my other arm and they began walking me in the opposite direction. I was silent for about five minutes but then Julia spoke to me, telling me to look behind. I turned around and of the thirty strong pack, around half of them were following us.

 

Before the sun rose the next morning, despite my aversion to what was happening, I was now standing at the head of a new pack, two of whom were older than me but were very comfortable with staying in the background. Some sort of responsibility took over me and I told them we were going to find somewhere to live. By two o’clock that morning, we were in the basement of an abandoned building, which though I didn’t know it at the time, would be my home for the next seven years.”

 

Eric asked, again in disbelief, “Man, Nick, normalcy was just not a part of your life, was it?”

 

“I suppose that’s what I meant earlier when I said I was handed a tray of shit. You see, Eric, with the way my life kept starting and stopping over and again and with my fear of authority and the imagined horrors of the world I entertained, even though I didn’t know it, I was setting not only myself up but also those kids for a life they may not have needed to go through.

 

“From that night I created an extremely protected environment for us but I also kept them in a position where they knew and saw nothing else. My way became their way and my existence became their existence. I stopped going out during the day, only left the basement at night and I tried to keep everyone to a few blocks of a specific and slightly quieter part of old Detroit. Much of how we had lived with Gavin continued but with me it was only at night and our existence became somewhat detached.”

 

“Nick, in many ways that sounds like a good thing and like you may have just kept them all from harms way,” Eric suggested.

 

“To a degree, I guess that’s true but I often wonder these days if I also kept them from the opportunities that could have come their way during the daylight hours.”

 

“Reality and guesswork are two very different things, Nick,” Eric said.

 

“Eric, the world was changing and they didn’t get to change with it. Four years ago was the first time I held a mobile phone in my hand and it was also the first time I saw a computer up close. The world had matured in a way but because of me, those kids and I missed out on all the things people were doing. I figuratively and literally kept those kids in the dark with me. I didn’t do it with intent but I still did it. Honestly, Eric, our group would have seemed to average people like a stylized version of the children from The Lord of the Flies.”

 

“Well, Nick, maybe you’re right and maybe you were the cause of how those kids turned out but did the gangs get them or did they starve or get caught up in bad situations?”

 

“No,” Nick said.

 

“Sounds to me like an answer you should be pleased to give,” Eric said.

 

“It is,” Nick replied.

 

His voice filled with sincerity, Eric asked, “You really cared about them, didn’t you?”

 

“Yeah, of course,” Nick said as if there were no other answer.

 

“You really don’t get what people can be like, do you, Nick?”

 

“I’m not sure I’m following you,” Nick said.

 

“I know and that’s what I mean. Nick, it is a minority who will care enough and take responsibility without payment or expectation. Sure you did it to protect yourself but you also did it for them because you gave a damn,” Eric explained and then watched as Nick shuffled in his seat uncomfortably, before swiftly changing the subject self-consciously.

 

“What you said, Eric, there were altercations occasionally. Every once in a while, some of the kids found themselves unexpectedly face-to-face with gang members who loved to dominate, manipulate and humiliate. I didn’t always keep them safe.”

 

Eric subtly rolled his eyes in response to Nick’s need to dismiss plaudits and approval. It bugged him the way psychology had the ability to remove natural and positive traits from people who deserved them. As such, Eric was not about to let go of the issue because something inside him told him that Nick had been the solution to the exact route he had used to avoid his offered approbation.

 

Eric asked, “So how did you deal with the altercations with the gangs?”

 

“I always tried to do the right thing and make it go away quietly but it just wasn’t the way on the streets. There was too much aggression, anger and resentment. My second solution became the constant solution, although a nonviolent alternative was always my first choice.”

 

Eric asked, “So what did you do?”

 

“I went to the gang’s leader directly, talked to him and tried to sort it out. They all knew we weren’t a gang and were just kids on the streets but they also saw themselves as no different, even though they were different and usually a bunch of immature thugs. Finally when repercussions were the only words I heard, I suggested a one-on-one street fight between the leader and me or best against best. It was accepted and always was accepted at other times, because it created excitement and expectation of something that didn’t happen, as often as some might think it would. Anyway, I always stood as opponent and thankfully I was never defeated,” Nick explained and Eric grinned and knew he had been right.

 

Trying to consolidate the point he was trying to make Nick see, Eric asked, “How else did you look after them?”

 

“It wasn’t like I was their father, Eric. I just kept an eye on them, made sure they were okay, mediated their little disputes and listened to them when they had problems or were stressed or upset about things. Sometimes they would come to me and ask me about things, which I only knew because of the seven years I had been to school. My limited schooling was helpful in some ways but I was glad I had applied myself when I was young and often wished I had gotten the chance to complete it. Anyway, I just gave advice and whatever support I could when someone was in need and I hoped I could help.”

 

“Some might think that the role of a father,” Eric thought.

 

“Most of the time I was with Dan and Julia and we stuck together and led or accompanied as was required. You should have seen Julia, Eric. I don’t really know your overall taste in women but even though she was a street kid and a tomboy, she really was a stunning girl. I always think these days when I remember back, if she had been given the opportunity of a normal life, she would have been prom queen at school and probably would have gone on to be a model. I swear if someone had taken her and dropped her into a salon, she would have stepped out unrecognizable from the girl she became. She had long, red hair and deep, green eyes and her skin was immaculate.”

 

Eric smiled but with a sixth sense he asked, “What about Dan?”

 

Nick’s eyes dropped so noticeably that a nuclear flash would not have distracted Eric from seeing the reaction. Nick’s expression was momentarily pained but he lifted his head and as he looked at Eric, Nick smiled.

 

“Dan was an average to handsome boy, his hair auburn but verging on black and his eyes dark brown. Dan was sweet and considerate and thoughtful. He was also soft natured and he always knew what I was thinking and how I was feeling. He wasn’t a big talker but he was a great listener with unexpected pearls of wisdom,” Nick said.

 

“They sound like a great brother and sister to have, particularly in the circumstances you were in,” Eric said, knowing there was more to this than met the eye and so he was trying to lead the course of the story.

 

“They were, Eric. As I said, I don’t think I would have reached the point I did without them by my side. They were definitely my family.”

 

Curiously, Eric asked, “So what happened with them?”

 

“Well, another thing about Dan was that he wasn’t strong physically. He suffered with a breathing disorder. It wasn’t severe but at times it could lay him out, as he struggled to breathe normally. These days I guess it was probably asthma or bronchitis. One night he was in that position and so I stayed in the basement with him while the rest of the pack went out to hunt and gather and playfully ransack. By that time he was sixteen and Julia and I were seventeen. On that night Julia met a boy from one of the more aggressive gangs. The boy was also seventeen and he had that hard, hot, physical appearance, which oozed sensuality and sexuality at the same time.”

 

Eric grinned knowingly and said, “You mean the irresistible thug type that is a fire cracker?”

 

“Yeah, Eric. That’s the most perfect description of him. He was beautiful, frightening, mysterious and dangerous.”

 

“Oh yeah, I know the type,” Eric elaborated.

 

“Anyway, as I said, Julia was stunning and no one could have denied that together they were spark and fuel on both sides. They clicked instantly, they went off on their own and they stayed together all night until Julia returned at dawn. The next day she couldn’t stop talking about him and Dan and I sat and listened as we smiled at each other. Julia wasn’t just happy; she was ecstatic. Even away from him she was on fire at the thought of him.

 

“Every member of the gang he was a part of, were given nicknames that were considered in someway appropriate. Real names were never spoken or mentioned and Julia’s beau was called Bullet. She said it was because he was compact, fast, hard and unstoppable and as the words left her mouth, she looked directly at us and smiled like she had living and feverish proof. Dan and I looked at each other and laughed like two devious boys but we were honestly happy for her.

 

“She saw him again that night and again it was all night long. She would spend the day with us, most of the time while we all were sleeping and then she would meet Bullet at night. This went on for a couple of weeks but then suddenly we didn’t see her for two days. We were concerned but we knew what was happening and so our concern was limited. She appeared again, stayed for two days and left again. Later it became more random but within a month she was gone for a week, back for a couple of days and then gone for another week. She seemed perfectly happy and fine but I could see that Dan was becoming bothered.

 

“You see, Eric, their father had died very early but their mother was weak and co-dependent. She couldn’t live without a man in her life and when there was no man, she drank heavily. She eventually met another man who wooed her and seduced her and made her feel like she was the only woman in the world.”

 

Eric grinned and said, “Yeah, I know that type as well.”

 

“Well, once he was there, Julia and Dan became secondary figures in her life. She didn’t care about them and spent her time dining on her new man in every possible way she could. Julia became Dan’s mother and saw to all of his needs because she had to. She cooked for him, washed his clothes, made certain he got to school and all the rest. Eventually, struggling to see to her own needs and the pressures of school and life, she confronted her mother with Dan at her side and unleashed some home truths. She did this while the man was there and he stood up and backhanded her across the room. Dan attacked him but he was a twig against a hurricane and he was also thrown into a wall. Their mother sat on the couch drinking and watching but didn’t move or say a word.

 

“Julia took Dan to her room, cleaned them up and tended to cuts and scratches and then once Dan was asleep, she thought about what she was going to do. She was twelve but she was smart and aware and she knew of the troubles siblings faced staying together when it came to foster care. She also wasn’t fond of her mother’s family and her father’s parents were no longer alive. She knew they couldn’t remain in their home securely or safely while the man was there and so the next night they did what I did and they went out onto the streets.

 

“The point is, Eric, when Julia began to focus all of her time on Bullet, Dan felt feelings associated with his mother but when she began to disappear because of Bullet, Dan felt like he was being abandoned once again. It started to really get to him. His health got worse, his mood dropped like an anchor and he became almost unmoving. It was hard to watch and difficult to deal with but I had one thing on my side. Dan and I had become so close and I was able to drag him up and out with me and get him back on his feet. I stuck with him like glue and I told him he was the person I cared about more than anyone else and that I would never leave his side. He accepted it and things started to get back to normal.

 

“Julia returned again but Dan resented her and ignored her. She came to me and told me how much she loved Bullet and needed to be with him. I told her I understood, although, I’m not sure at that time I really did but I was agreeable. She asked me to look after Dan and I told her I would and then a day later she was gone again.

 

“The thing was, I felt more for Dan than I understood or realized and so being with him was no task at all for me. In the following week we became brothers, best friends and non-stop talkers and there were times I even piggybacked him as we wandered the streets at night. We laughed and played and were hooligans at midnight and things became even better.

 

“One morning when everyone else went to sleep, I dragged Dan up and out of the basement and into the sun. I told him I wanted the two of us to spend some time alone. The smile on his face beamed and though I couldn’t and didn’t even know how to tell him how I felt, his smile made me feel like I had received an answer.

 

“It was the middle of summer and despite that daylight was our night and we hadn’t slept, I took Dan east of the city to Grosse Pointe Park. Once there I headed for the Lake St Clair coast within Three-mile Drive Park. Years previous when I first joined the pack, we had gone there on one occasion. I always remembered that day because as I approached the water, I looked to my left and saw a huge line of rower’s sculls along the sand. I didn’t know what they were in specific terms but as the sun burned down onto the brightly colored fiberglass surfaces, the memory became etched into my mind. It was that vivid picture from the past, which influenced me to take Dan there.

 

“As Dan and I stepped onto the sand we were delighted that there was no one around. It was like the lake and the sun and the surroundings were ours alone. We looked at each other and just smiled. Neither of us had ever been swimming and we also didn’t know how to swim. The lake looked confronting but we stripped down to our shorts and kept close to the water’s edge. We rolled in the water, we splashed each other and we were like two, normal, young boys having the best of times.

 

“At a certain point we started wrestling in the water and then unexpectedly we were chest-to-chest in each other’s arms, lying silent and still while staring into each other’s eyes. We were hot and wet and near naked and as all the different forms of heat culminated between us, the sexual awareness became clear, along with the knowledge that we both felt the same. Nothing happened because we were innocent but also because we were fearful of being discovered.

 

“We remained there for most of the morning and then returned to the basement just after midday. It was one of those burning hot days and the heat managed to crawl its way into the bottom of the building. Everybody was sound asleep and Julia wasn’t around. I led Dan to my makeshift bed where we lay together for the very first time. We stared at each other again and the need was binding amidst apprehension while deafening in its silence.

 

“Dan was the one who made the first move. He lifted his hand and rested it on my waist. That simple touch was electric and it shot through both of us to set us free. A moment later I grabbed him and pulled him into my arms. We embraced and then we caressed and finally we began to kiss. It wasn’t the kiss of experience but it was a kiss of love. The transition came when Dan confidently slid his hand into my shorts. I almost stopped breathing except that it made me breathe harder and faster. I followed his lead and a minute later, the sixteen and the seventeen-year-old boys, led each other into an experience I would never forget. Eric, I’m not exaggerating or overstating when I say that it moved me to the core of my being.”

 

“I don’t doubt it, Nick,” Eric confirmed.

 

“A few minutes after the fact, Dan was unconscious in my arms. For a time I lay awake. What had happened and what I was feeling for Dan consumed me. I may have known something was different with Dan but I didn’t know what it was until that day. I was also yet to understand or realize what any of it truly meant.

 

“I slept soon after but there was never a day that I didn’t awaken before everyone in the basement. It was always right at twilight and I would be up and ready when the others began to stir. The basement was still stinking hot and so I unraveled myself from Dan and walked to a backroom. Years previous when the building had been alive, the room was a janitor’s station, which also contained a shower. There was no hot water but under the circumstances I didn’t care. While I stood naked beneath the cold water, I felt a hand on my back and I turned to see Dan naked also and staring back. I pulled him to me and as we again existed partly within and partly out of water, another form of sex took place but again it was harmless and without penetration.

 

“We rinsed our bellies and once we were clean, we dried off, got dressed and returned to where the others were beginning to awaken. It was only a few minutes later that everyone noticed a commotion outside, created by a voice calling and a fist banging, as someone tried to gain the attention of our pack. I moved swiftly yet curiously with Dan at my shoulder and the rest following closely behind. Once we reached the street, everyone stopped as they stared at a skinny, lanky teenager in black, with bulging, grey eyes. He looked at us all, as if he was appraising us and then finally he said he was looking for someone named Dan.

 

“Dan and I looked at each other with surprise and additional curiosity but then Dan shrugged and revealed who he was. The weird looking guy said “I’m Spider” and then he asked Dan if he was Julia’s brother. Dan and I looked at each other again but I saw the distinct concern in his eyes.

 

“I stepped forward and Spider stepped back awkwardly and nervously. I told him Dan was Julia’s brother and I wanted to know what all this was about. All he said was that he had been told to come and get Dan because Caesar wanted to speak to him. I asked him who Caesar was and he said he was the leader of his gang.

 

“Dan stepped up level with me and asked if Julia was okay but Spider shrugged unknowingly and so Dan turned to me and said he had to go. I agreed, told the others to stay and take care of business in the usual way and then the three of us began walking the few city blocks until we entered a back alley that led into an old and unused parking lot.

 

“Once there we were in the midst of a rowdy bunch of guys who became threatening at the sight of us but then Caesar stepped forward and told them to back off. They did and he approached us, his eyes looking at me like he knew me but very cautiously. Over the next three to four minutes at most, Caesar told Dan that Julia and Bullet had both died the night before from an overdose.”

 

“Oh Jesus, no,” Eric said sadly and Nick nodded yes before he went on.

 

“Caesar continued, telling Dan they had placed the bodies out where heavy traffic would find them. He said that before the morning was over, the police had arrived and the bodies had been removed, he suspected to the morgue.

 

“Eric, I was staring at Caesar as he spoke directly to Dan and he was so untouched by the severity of what he was saying. I imagined he must have done it all before and it was all in a days work for him. I was devastated but then suddenly I turned and looked at Dan and though he was standing strong, I knew he was on the verge of crumbling. I stepped between them and took Caesar’s full attention, simply thanking him for taking the time to let us know. He nodded, looked at me strangely and told me I didn’t look so tough to him.

 

“I had no idea what he was talking about but I really didn’t care. I turned, wrapped my arm around Dan’s shoulders and led him away from a place that neither of us wanted to be. We walked for hours until finally we stopped in the shadows of the Renaissance Center. I held Dan tight as he continued to cry. He was so lost in his reality and I knew he was filled with regret that he had ignored Julia the last time he saw her. I was broken with grief from the loss of Julia also but I knew I had to hold it together and be as strong as Dan needed me to be.

 

“The most wonderful day had turned into the most tragic night and Dan was in a downward spiral, no parachute available to open. It was probably around three o’clock in the morning when I had him in my lap, cradled in my arms and he had become a blubbering mess. He started saying things like he was alone and it was over and there was no point to anything. He didn’t know he was tearing me apart but I knew it wasn’t about me. I called on every reserve of strength I had and I grabbed him and pushed him back so I could look into his eyes. The shock of my actions stopped his tears and I told him I loved him and I would always be there with and for him. He started to cry again but they were different, softer tears and then he wrapped his arms around me and I told him I loved him again.

 

“Later we returned to the basement and dawn had already arrived. The rest of the pack had already returned and were asleep. I took him to my bed again and I held him as he broke down silently and shook in my arms. I kissed his forehead, I rubbed his back and I constantly whispered, ‘I love you’ and slowly but surely, perhaps from emotional exhaustion, he quieted and eventually fell asleep in my arms.

 

“Eric, my relief was extraordinary but then my own grief came to the surface. I had to bite my lip so the pain would stop my sobs from waking him and rejuvenating his loss and broken heart,” Nick said.

 

“Oh fuck, Nick, I can barely imagine but I understand. It must have been so hard,” Eric said.

 

“Eric, it was like nothing I could have imagined. It was so different from everyone else I had lost. It was incomprehensible because it was about Julia and how we felt but it was directly influencing how I felt about Dan and how much I needed and wanted to protect him. It cleaved me in two.

 

“Even though I didn’t know it, I was also exhausted and I fell asleep as well. As usual, right at twilight, my eyes opened but Dan wasn’t in my arms or even where I slept. It took a few seconds before I remembered and realized and then I was up and looking around through all the sleeping faces. He wasn’t there, though.

 

“I ran to the shower but it was dry. I raced out of the basement and looked along the street but he wasn’t there either. I raced back down into the basement and I woke everyone whether they liked it or not. I told them what had happened to Julia and then asked them if anyone had seen Dan or knew where he was. I was confronted with sleepy dumb looks and monotone answers of no. I screamed ‘fuck’ at the top of my voice and then I tore through the building from bottom to top and then back down again but he was nowhere to be seen.

 

Not stopping, I ran to every place I went with him each night and then I went to all the places he had told me he went with Julia. Eventually I was walking the streets in a lost daze and when I finally returned to the basement, another night was gone. I climbed the stairwell of the building to the top floor, broke through a doorway to the roof and as I stared over a city that was alive and the most beautiful, clear day shone over me, I fell into a hole because I knew the feeling and I knew that Dan was gone as well. I never saw him again.”

 

Nick stopped talking and his face was in hell. It was the first time he could not hide his true feelings as he spoke to Eric. Eric was looking at him, tears in his eyes and trying not to react to both the past and the present of what Nick had to go through.

 

Eric truly did not know how to react. He wanted to hold him, he wanted to say something but it all seemed so insufficient. He let his tension go and he let his weight press deeper into the couch, deciding for the moment to let silence rule. It took maybe five or six minutes, which was a long time to be silent in company but finally Nick’s control returned and the face of the man Eric had known for four years returned; formidable, determined and mastered with regulation.

 

“From the following day I was a different man. The will I relied on with regularity was gone. I lost interest in everything and everyone and though as the days went by I maintained some degree of control of the circumstances, I stayed in the basement and found it near impossible to muster the ability to venture into the outside world. These days I can only imagine what that rowdy bunch of teenagers must have thought but back at that time, they could have hogtied me to a wall and carved the flesh from my body to eat me and I wouldn’t have cared. I had been raised to the ground. I was seventeen years old and every single person I had ever given a damn about was gone. It was the fifth severe loss in my life, two within twenty-four hours and I wanted to tear open my chest and rip out my heart for real.”

 

Eric gasped but again he could not speak. He also knew there was nothing he could say. He had one thing of a positive nature in his head and that was what he was hearing, was in the past. He thought and hoped that there could not be too much more to this story but irrespective, the two hours or so before it began, had revealed the beginning of Nick’s escalation and return to life. There was hope there and there was desire on Nick’s part as well and so that meant that no matter how bad this got, Nick had come out the other side. This single thought made Eric think that Nick was extraordinary.

 

“Months vanished like water down a drain but to some degree I did reconnect, if only a little. I occasionally went out with the pack, which they were pleased about but they had been doing just fine and they hadn’t encountered any problems.

 

“What was interesting at that point was I realized even before everything fell apart, I had been living in a narrow world. I knew them all but I didn’t really know them at all. They were names and faces that followed me around. I felt responsibility for them but though I cared about them, I hadn’t really seen them. Without Julia but particularly without Dan to fill my eyes and heart, these young people that were now much older, were suddenly individuals and real people. I saw boys approaching girls and vice versa, I saw the rise of sexual needs and the gift of emotional responses. I woke to sounds of sex in dark corners and I saw real friendships and adversarial rivalries.

 

“What stuck out to me the most, though, was that I saw no boys with boys. It was that realization that brought to bear the idea that what I had felt for Dan was strange and what I had done with him was wrong. I knew deep within it felt normal and right but if everyone was doing the same thing, I didn’t want to feel different because it made me feel more alone. Eric, that was the moment that grabbed onto me and resided within me until last year.

 

“There was one other thing as well. It was one of those unreasonable thoughts, which despite their lack of rationality, still manage to breathe life and gain a state of becoming. I began to wonder if there was another truth and if what had happened between Dan and me had been the reason he left me and went away. It didn’t matter that I believed otherwise and knew it had been about Julia. It was because not knowing where he was, if he was okay or even if he was alive or dead, self-blame and retribution gave the unknown an alternative place of focus but it also fed and gave life to an idea that I was abnormal. Keeping that part of my truth hidden as well as an untouched secret, well, it became reasonable,” Nick explained.

 

“I’m beginning to get the real picture,” Eric said.

 

“I’m glad, Eric. As I said, it’s important to me that at least someone understands,” he replied.

 

Hesitantly, Eric asked, “So what happened next?”

 

“Toward the end of my seventeenth year I started leaving the others and going out on my own. I went to the other side of town, I wandered around and got to know Detroit but I also discovered the place where many of the lower income prostitutes worked their wares. I started talking to them and got to know them and they became very familiar with me. Though their lives and their way of life were different, still there was the commonality of the division we shared, which separated us from the generalized world.

 

“Of the many girls that I came to know, there was one in particular that stood out from the rest. Her name was Kelly and I suspect because of her way of life, my lack of interest in that obvious arena made her feel I was no threat to her wellbeing. Apart from that first night when she offered a suggestion, which I politely refused, the rest of our times together, also had nothing to do with sex and was simply about two people who found an easy and occasional distraction in each other. For a period of time we saw each other every few nights and she would stand and talk about how she was feeling and what was happening in her life.

 

“One night when I stopped by to say hello, she told me she wasn’t feeling well and was thinking about taking the night off and going home. She was a little dizzy on her feet and so I agreed it was probably the best idea and I offered to walk her and see to it that she got home safely. She was surprised by my virtuous offer, I suppose considering the men she was accustomed to and so she accepted my company and we walked away from her corner.

 

“It was only a twenty or so minute walk but as we walked, the honest concern in her voice when she asked why I was always alone and why I was always so quiet, was obviously the reason I didn’t automatically raise my self-defenses. I felt at ease with her but even though I didn’t elaborate on the details or the specifics, during that walk and the accepted invitation for me to come into her home, she did come to learn that I was a virgin and that my heart had been severely damaged. Two weeks later, with no intentions or expectations other than to ease my path, she took me home again and led me gently but with a smooth transition, into the realms of confident, heterosexual sex.”

 

“Nick, I’m sorry to interrupt but I’m curious. What was that like for you?”

 

“Kelly made everything so comfortable and so easy that I have to say it was good and also eye-opening, as well as satisfying on a purely sexual level. Even so, Eric, my first experience with a woman, as well as, good or bad, every experience with a woman that followed, only confirmed my inner feelings about the man I was and that what I wanted and needed was true. I was gay, even if I could briefly throw on a different outfit,” Nick explained.

 

“I understand and that makes a lot of sense to me where you’re concerned,” Eric replied.

 

“From that night forward, armed with the experience I could call on relatively comfortably, I began to have sex with women whenever I felt the need for some closeness and release. Over time, though, in the middle of the random encounters, my eyes were closed and my mind was awash with visual images of Dan or men I had seen on the street that caught my eye,” Nick clarified.

 

“Nick, I think I’m beginning to see you clearly. It’s amazing how all of these pieces show me so much of who you are.”

 

“I’m glad this hasn’t been a waste of time,” Nick said with relief.

 

“Not in the slightest, Nick. In fact, in some underlying or innate way, I feel like I know you better than I know myself,” Eric said.

 

“I doubt that’s true,” Nick replied.

 

“I only mean in the respect that sometimes when we look at who we are or try to analyze who we are, it’s easy to be uncertain or filled with doubts and questions. However, where your life is concerned, learning everything as a whole, it seems like there is a point or a place to go to, to retrieve an answer for why you say or do things the way you do. I don’t know, maybe it’s just now in this moment but that is the way it appears right now. Anyway, enough of my subjective talk; what happened next?”

 

“Well, Kelly and I didn’t become friends if that’s something you considered. In fact, over a very short period of time, we stopped seeing each other altogether. It wasn’t a choice but rather, it was like a natural progression. For me specifically, almost the entire next five years merged into a long, unchanging sequence of repetitive days and nights. There were the odd events here and there but that’s life in general. The truth was I’d made a decision and it held me confined until my twenty-second year.

 

“When I reached that age, something deep inside of me was screaming at me. It was a natural dissatisfaction that I consistently tried to ignore. On another random Friday night, while everyone was out and I sat on the rooftop staring into space, I suddenly began thinking about the orphanage and with it came the memory of playing football. It was a deep memory of good times and lots of fun and without warning there was a smile on my face. Over the following week I began to change my habits and while the pack slept I went out into the daylight. The next Saturday I went walking, leaving the city behind and I came upon a field of men playing football,” Nick said and smiled with amusement.

 

Eric asked, “Are you referring to us? I mean, to our team?”

 

“None other,” Nick replied but following his smile, the room was filled with silence.

 

Eric looked at him as Nick’s eyes dropped down to the carpet. Eric thought that regardless of the incredible amount of information he had just heard, there had to be more to come. However, Nick’s following silence was unchanging and Eric realized that the story’s conclusion had come and gone.

 

Like a computer whirring when it was idle, as it processed and updated when nothing else was happening, Eric had flashes of thought and memories of bits and pieces of the story. As the thoughts moved like a fleet of super-sonic jets through the atmosphere of his mind, he felt so many emotions regarding Nick but all he could do was continue to sit in silence. He wondered, as he stared at Nick, what could possibly follow the likes of a story like that.

 

To be continued...