Chapter 11 

 

“So after all of that, as well as resigning myself to the fact that Nick is straight and then after finally coming to terms with the fact that I’ve fallen completely in love with a man for the first time in my life, I walked out of his apartment and closed the door and I haven’t seen him since.

 

“Honey, I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s on my mind all the time and I’m not just obsessing. I honestly don’t know how to shut it off and believe me I’ve tried. I was out of bed the following morning at six thirty and exactly twenty minutes later, I was walking into the city just to try to get him off my mind. It seems completely irrational to me and I can’t understand how I could fall in love with someone without the standard interaction. I mean I want him to be my lover but I also want him to be my friend. The truth is, though, he barely even notices me. Even so, my chest is tight and my heart feels like it’s being squeezed and I’ve actually wished that Bobby would find me and put an end to it all. If this is unrequited love and that’s the best I can hope for, then I’d rather be dead.”

 

“Oh, Billy,” Ann said and then she looked at Honey with concern.

 

Honey sat forward but before she had the chance to say a word, Billy held up his hand to stop her and then said, “I’m not avoiding and it isn’t that I don’t want to hear what you have to say but I’m beginning to feel hungry, it’s getting late and I would imagine both of you are hungry as well. So, how about I dash into my kitchen and whip up a culinary delight for us and then we can talk about whatever you want after that?”

 

“I am a touch hungry,” Ann said.

 

“So am I,” Honey agreed.

 

“Well then, once again the amazing Billy will come to the rescue of the starving masses and save the day or the night, as it were. You’re welcome to sit here comfortably and chat between yourselves or you can come and sit at the breakfast bar while I put my sterling skills into play.”

 

Honey rolled her eyes and Billy grinned at her knowingly.

 

“Billy, if we join you in the kitchen, is there any chance you could pull your head out of your ass before we arrive,” she said while grinning and Billy looked back at her and gave her the finger before entering into the kitchen.

 

Honey turned and looked at Ann who was looking at her condemningly. “What?” Honey asked knowingly, “It was either that or ask him to take his cock out of his own mouth,” she justified and laughed.

 

“Well it’s certainly big enough for me to do it,” Billy chimed from the kitchen.

 

“You wish,” Honey said.

 

“Oh I give up. The two of you together are incorrigible,” Ann conceded and threw her hands in the air, as she stood up and walked toward the kitchen.

 

Billy showed Ann his pantry, fridge and cupboards. He was more than proud of his understanding of the way a kitchen should be set up and its individual spaces appropriated and utilized. Though Ann was not the kitchen type, she could quite clearly see the simplicity of it all. The mixture of methodology with a subtle analytical approach, combined with a creative and confident grasp of nuance, was more than obvious as she noted the positioning, whether it was the foodstuffs or the cooking implements. It was all placed in an ordered fashion, all grouped with care and with both appropriate and easy access. Billy’s presentation of his kitchen was followed by his explanation that he wanted to be a chef. He then told Ann he was apprenticing at a restaurant in the city.

 

Ann asked as she settled onto a stool, “What sort of restaurant?”

 

“A French restaurant called Escargot,” Billy replied.

 

Ann said, “Aren’t you a little old to be an apprentice?”

 

“I suppose, if you take into account that apprenticeships are usually filled by teens just out of school but I needed the job badly, I want to be a part of this industry and I was willing to do whatever was necessary to snare the available opportunity. So I made the offer and I was given the job. Graham, my boss, has already realized what level I’m at in a kitchen and though of course I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go, he said that next month I would be his assistant chef. I thought Honey would have told you all of this,” Billy said questioningly.

 

Covering for Honey, Ann said, “I guess it slipped her mind?”

 

“Sorry, it didn’t occur to me but I’m sure it would have eventually come up. Actually it just did so it doesn’t matter anymore,” Honey said and Ann rolled her eyes.

 

“Don’t take any notice of her, Ann. She has always been seething with jealousy that I was the superior chef and that I could outdo her even in the simple task of boiling water.”

 

Ann snickered before she said, “So what are you going to make for us?”

 

“Beef Wellington for you and me but considering my interests are so lacking in importance to Honey, dry crackers and water for her,” he said.

 

“Oh get over yourself, Billy. You can’t always be the centre of attention and if you even attempt to serve me bird food, I’ll shove it up your ass,” Honey threatened.

 

“I thought you were a lesbian now and yet still you want to touch a virgin male ass,” Billy said combined with an equally sarcastic smirk.

 

Honey began, “I don’t know what I am but…”

 

“Neither does anyone else,” Billy interrupted with a practiced wit.

 

Honey rolled her eyes. “I was going to say that in regard to categorizations I doubt I’m either black or white but in regard to your response, if you, dear Billy have a virgin ass, then I am Marta Hari.”

 

“A Dutch, dancing spy you’re not but I, on the other hand, am pure as the driven snow,” Billy replied.

 

“Oh please,” Honey said and shook her head.

 

“Now, now children,” Ann said intervening.

 

Even though it was a meal that required some special preparation, Billy did have an obvious skill set and he had everything prepared by hand and then cooked and ready to be served in just over an hour. They decided to remain at the breakfast bar and eat there. Billy opened an inexpensive bottle of red to go with the meal and Ann as a consequence, initiated a conversation about red wine. She explained that Australia had quite the reputation internationally for its wine and that as Billy seemed to enjoy it so much, she was going to have her father send a few cases of some of the good stuff to him.

 

“I’d appreciate that, Ann. I’m no connoisseur of wine but I’ve really started to garner a taste for it. Ever since the bag lady and wino you chose as a girlfriend introduced me to it, I’ve been drinking red wine more than just occasionally,” he said, his mischievous eyes darting to watch Honey’s reaction.

 

Honey said with a disturbed tone of voice, “Wino? I don’t sit in the streets swilling from bottles of cheap wine, thank you very much.”

 

“So you’ve changed that aspect of your life as well? I remember coming home late some nights when I lived with you in Cleveland and finding you sprawled in the gutter with a bunch of homeless cats crawling around you, all while you serenaded the neighborhood with an alcohol induced version of ‘Home On The Range,’” Billy said with another mischievous smirk.

 

“Ann, don’t believe a word of it. You know I don’t drink very much,” Honey said.

 

“Yes Hon, I know,” Ann assured and then she looked at Billy like a mother indicating to her child that it was being very naughty.

 

Honey looked at Billy with an expression that was unimpressed before she said with intimidation, “So tell me, Billy, has Bobby located you yet or should I send him your address?”

 

“I see you’ve lost your sense of humor, Honey,” he replied, as he looked back down at his meal.

 

Thinking she could get the better of Billy in this circumstance, Honey said, “I have an excellent sense of humor, Billy. I called you a friend and allowed you to move in with me, didn’t I?”

 

Billy chuckled and then looked at Ann and asked, “So tell me, Ann, where in Australia do you come from?”

 

“Sydney. I actually lived in a suburb known as Randwick, not too far from the one place you would probably know of, which of course would be Bondi Beach.”

 

Billy questioned, “Do you come from a big or a small family?”

 

“There are seven of us including my parents. I have four brothers and so I was the only girl but unfortunately I was also the middle child,” she replied.

 

Interested while also motivated by psychology, he asked even further, “Was it good or bad for you having four brothers?”

 

“I love all of my brothers so it was good but being the middle sibling and female, I always felt like I had to work that little bit harder for attention and to make myself visible. On the other hand, my brothers believed because I was the only girl, my parents treated me as special. I guess it was a matter of perspective.”

 

Billy asked and then laughed, “Are any of your brothers homo, hot, hung and looking for a boy from Kentucky?”

 

“Well I’m sure to my parent’s dismay, they were not pleased to discover they had a lesbian daughter but I suspect they were also not happy when my youngest brother, Daniel, turned out to be gay as well,” Ann said but stopped and looked at Billy with a grin, as she waited to see how he would approach the information.

 

“If you don’t mind my asking, Ann, what age are you?”

 

“Thirty four,” she replied.

 

Billy then asked, “So this younger, gay brother, how old is he?”

 

“Thirty,” she replied but then feeling bad for Billy she continued, “I don’t know if he’s looking for a young man from Kentucky but I have seen a couple of his boyfriends and I’m sure you’d fit the bill.”

 

Billy’s eyes lit up but unexpectedly, his thoughts tumbled back to a picture in his mind of Nick and he said, “It doesn’t matter, Ann. I can’t even think about another man at the moment. Unfortunately, one man consumes me and chains my heart and it seems that there’s nothing I can do about it.”

 

Honey’s eyes lifted away from her meal and she looked at Billy with a sad expression and said, “Billy, I know you think that Nick is straight and maybe he is but then again, maybe he isn’t. Perhaps before things get any harder for you, it might be an idea if you come out to him. In that way you’ll find out the person he really is and how, if at all, you can fit into his life.”

 

“Honey, I want him in my life no matter what and I don’t want to lose him,” Billy replied.

 

“This isn’t meant to be about fear, Billy. It’s about the truth. It’s about Nick knowing the person you really are and you knowing the person Nick really is. It’s not good to base any sort of relationship on secrets or lies. Billy, it’s so obvious to me that you’re in love with Nick but you don’t know who that man is and therefore, as much as I hate to say this to you, you’re in love with a fantasy. Nick may be the most handsome man ever born and he may have the best male body ever formed and he may even have the most perfect penis you could ever want to get your hands on but all of that is just the physical side of him.

 

“Billy, I’ve never met Nick and I understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but there’s more to life and love and to people than what is aesthetically pleasing to the eye. If there is any hope for you with Nick, you have to let him know the person you truly are and you have to know the person he truly is. I understand how afraid you are of losing him when you don’t really even understand why you love him but you have to begin with the truth and take it from there. It kills me to see you this way, Billy. I know it isn’t about me but I’m your friend and I want you to be happy and unless you do something about this situation, you’re not going to be happy. You have to talk to Nick,” she said wisely.

 

Billy stood up and walked around the breakfast bar, bent down and wrapped his arms around Honey, squeezing her tightly while he said, “I love you so much, Honey.”

 

“I love you too,” she replied but then with a grin to lighten the mood but also stir the pot she added, “you back roads country hick.”

 

Billy roared with laughter and kissed her cheek and then returned to his seat and sat back down.

 

“Bitch,” he said.

 

“Asshole, she replied.

 

“Slut,” he continued.

 

“Whore,” she retorted.

 

“Oh for goodness sake,” Ann said and Honey and Billy looked at her and laughed.

 

Shortly after Billy made a reference to living in Detroit and to both his and Ann’s dismay, Honey was soon on her soapbox about Detroit’s downturn and the way things had been allowed to fall apart back in the eighties and nineties. It took some doing on both Ann and Billy’s parts but eventually they were able to change the subject and move on to more light-hearted topics. After another hour or so, something else came to Billy’s mind.

 

“I suppose the best course of action for tonight would be if you two slept in my bed and I’ll take the couch,” he said.

 

“No, Billy that really isn’t necessary,” Honey said.

 

“Well you have to sleep somewhere because munching in a Volkswagen will be far from comfortable,” he joked.

 

“Billy, we’re not a couple of sex craving lesbian sluts that can’t get enough,” Honey said.

 

“Speak for yourself,” Ann offered while grinning deviously and Honey flashed her a blushing grin.

 

“Ooh, trouble in paradise already,” Billy quipped.

 

“No, there isn’t,” Honey said and gave Ann a sideways glance before sliding her hand onto her inner thigh beneath the breakfast bar.

 

“The truth is, Billy, we’ve already got a room at a motel because we really didn’t know what your situation would be. Also because you have to work, it will be easier for us to do our own thing during the day and then come and see you at night,” Ann said.

 

As it suddenly occurred to him belatedly that this was an interstate visit, Billy asked, “How long are you here for?”

 

“Five days. We’re heading back on Friday. Ann has to get back to the hospital and I have to get back to the bank by Monday,” Honey clarified.

 

“Well if you think it’s best but if you change your mind, you know you’re both welcome to stay here in my room. I’ve slept on the couch before and for one person, it’s really quite comfortable.”

 

“Thank you, Billy. Both Honey and I appreciate the thought but I think we would both prefer it this way,” Ann said.

 

Billy grinned, raised an eyebrow and then gave Ann a say-no-more wink. Ann chuckled but explained that his allusion was not what she was suggesting. Billy finished the last of the wine and then stood to remove the dishes to the sink. He began cleaning up immediately and Honey moved beside him to dry. Honey and Billy chatted genuinely whilst occasionally adding in some of their standard banter and Ann sat watching the two friends together. She thought there was something very special between them and it reminded her in a subtle yet different way, of a relationship she had with an old friend back in Sydney.

 

Honey enquired, finally breaking a temporary silence, “Billy?”

 

“Yeah, Honey?”

 

“I really did want to talk to you about this situation with Nick but we seemed to get so caught up with everything we talked about and time has really zipped by. Would you mind if we have a good talk tomorrow night? It’s just that I’ve been driving and on the go all day and I’m really quite tired,” Honey said.

 

“Of course. Honey, don’t worry about it. I’m okay; I just get a bit down because it’s such unfamiliar territory for me. Anyway, what you said to me over dinner was what I needed to hear and for the time being I don’t think there is anything else that needs to be said,” Billy replied.

 

Honey asked, “Are you sure you don’t mind, sweetie?”

 

“Yeah, Honey, it’s fine and we can talk tomorrow. I’m not going anywhere, despite my melodramatic remark about wishing I were dead,” he replied.

 

As soon as everything was cleaned up and put away, Billy saw the women to the door. Remembering that the lights were not working, he led them down the stairs to the door of the building. He told Honey to drive safely, to enjoy whatever pursuits they had planned for the next day and then he said he would see them back at his place at five o’clock sharp. He watched them walk to their car and then he turned and walked back up the stairs.

 

When he reached the landing, he crept over to Nick’s door and stood silently listening, hoping to discover if Nick still had company. He could hear muffled conversation but could not make out a single word. He was not happy that Eric was still there but with little he could do about it, he moved away from Nick’s door and entered his apartment. Following switching off the lights, he moved decidedly to his bedroom for bed.

 

Honey and Ann closed their respective doors to the car and sat back. Honey was holding the key toward the ignition but her hand was resting on her leg and not moving. Ann was looking at her again and she knew exactly what was going through her mind.

 

“It may have been a questionable choice but I still think you did the right thing,” Ann said supportively.

 

Honey asked, “Did the right thing about what?”

 

“Not explaining to Billy why you didn’t tell him about us,” Ann replied.

 

“Maybe, I just hated lying to him,” Honey said.

 

“I know you did and I can understand but just remember your motives were supportive. After hearing the way Billy talked this evening, I can understand why you made that choice. It could have been an unnecessary choice and he may not have even considered himself. It may not have affected him at all. Still that possibility doesn’t stop human nature from being what it is. I think if all he was really thinking about was Nick and wanting to be his lover, it’s natural that you as a good friend, would worry that while he was struggling emotionally, the last thing you wanted to do was to share how happy you were. It’s not hard to think he may have felt like life was unfair, even if he was happy for you. So rather than put him through unnecessary associations, you chose to protect his sensibilities. I don’t know about anyone else but it makes sense to me. The fact that you care about him so much only makes me think even more highly of you,” Ann said.

 

Honey asked while smiling and feeling more at ease, “How could I not love you?”

 

“I keep asking myself the same question about you,” Ann replied.

 

“Thank you for re-establishing my perspective. All I was doing was feeling bad and though I still do to a degree, you’ve made me feel better about it,” Honey said.

 

“As I said this afternoon, you can always tell him the truth later,” Ann suggested and Honey leaned across and kissed her.

 

“Hmm, I’m going to have to pretend to be all wise a lot more often,” she said following the kiss and Honey laughed before starting the engine and driving away into the night.

 

Billy slowly removed his clothes. A subtle smile reflected the happiness and pleasure he felt from seeing Honey again. He shook his head as his mind briefly drifted to Ann and the thought that the two women were in love. He thought Ann was such a nice woman and she seemed to not only like him but to have genuinely been interested in his abilities and his circumstances. He recalled how he noticed the difference in Honey. For much of the evening she seemed so much more relaxed and at ease within and this too, warmed his heart. He kicked his briefs from his foot onto the pile of washing he needed to do and then he turned on the bedside lamp. He crossed the room to the doorway, switched off the overhead light and then slid his naked body between the sheets.

 

It only took a moment of being naked in bed to drive his mind to thoughts of Nick. These were not sexual thoughts but thoughts of love, closeness and needs, as he visualized being wrapped in Nick’s arms. His mood instantly dropped to a low and he felt so alone. He imagined instead of Nick making love to him, Nick was next door engaging in hot sex with Eric. He then thought that soon enough he would discover Eric had moved in with Nick and then that they had become a couple.

 

“He’s straight,” Billy huffed, as he turned onto his side.

 

He thought about the wise words Honey said to him over dinner. He knew she was one hundred percent correct and what she was suggesting was what he had to do. Still he felt fear that if he told Nick the truth, Nick would never want to see or speak to him again. He knew it was wrong to presume people’s attitudes or how they would think, however, his instant thought was that he could not allow the man he loved to walk out of his life. He thought it was stupid and selfish to be so inflexible but the strength of his feelings was so overwhelming, he was afraid of the risk.

 

Billy reached for and slipped Nick’s jockstrap from the bedpost where it had hung since Saturday night. He brought it to his nose and smelled Nick’s scent and then rolling it into a ball in his fist, he held it close to his heart and within the restless hour that followed, Billy eventually drifted into sleep.

 

To be continued...