Chapter 13 

 

Whether the stories had come from books or movies, Eric always thought there was nothing more powerful than an exceptional, true story. This was so much different, though. He had never heard a true story from someone he knew, which impacted him so profoundly. He could not relate personally to a single detail of Nick’s life and therefore the extreme nature of the events gripped him disbelievingly.

 

Eric considered how at times when he watched a movie it could wrench at his heart but then if he watched it again later, it did not affect him anywhere near the same way. This thought made him wonder if he was overreacting to the intensity of “now” moments but still, Nick’s story had gotten to him at the deepest level of his being. He felt like his emotions had been flung into an electric mixer and beaten into a flurry.

 

Parts of this story about a lonely and struggling boy had forced him to shed tears. Hidden behind Eric’s humor, sarcasm and bravado was a soft and emotional man and so he was not surprised at his reaction, except that his reaction had taken place away from his wife and outside the privacy of his home. He tried to hide his tears for Nick’s sake during the story but still it had bothered him that while he was breaking on the inside, he watched Nick maintain a control, which Eric believed should have been sentenced to death.

 

Like many men, Eric donned the façade of the tough and unflinching man but he was aware he was a bit of a softy inside who occasionally needed a warm hug and a kiss. He saw the similarities with Nick but Nick seemed to take the concept to a whole new level. The term “thick skinned” seemed such an understatement.

 

There had been moments toward the end, though, when Nick’s voice became so pained and emotional, telling the story had become almost impossible for him to continue. Hearing the raw emotion from the deep, male voice, cracking under the pressure of imprisoned tears; Eric had struggled not to break in those moments.

 

When Nick returned to the living room from the bathroom, Eric noticed the droplets of water on Nick’s face, which he hadn’t wiped away properly. Eric thought that Nick had doused his face in cold water, something to refresh him and perhaps wash all the feelings away. This touched Eric also but when he looked at Nick as he sat down beside him, he thought that though Nick’s past made him sad and his present made him glad, he just did not know how he should react to Nick, following what had concluded only minutes before.

 

Earlier, Eric thought he was beginning to understand Nick but now, as he sat surreptitiously watching him, almost incapable of grasping the effects such circumstances could have on a boy, Eric’s eyes were now opened one hundred times more to the man seated beside him. He wanted to reach out and comfort him. He wanted to tell Nick he understood what he must have gone through but Eric knew he did not really understand and he simply never could. It was one thing to hear and follow the events and details but it was another altogether to relate to them or fathom their effects. He also did not want Nick to feel like he pitied him and so he sat for a few moments, as he tried to regain his sense of equilibrium. He watched as Nick suddenly stood and walked across the room, picked up a packet of cigarettes and removed one. When he lit it and inhaled deeply, Eric stared with extreme surprise.

 

Eric said, “I didn’t know you smoked?”

 

Nick explained, “I used to smoke all the time a few years back but now I just have one on very rare occasions. Usually when I’m very unsettled or when I need to really focus my thoughts. I guess it’s like an occasional security blanket. You don’t mind, do you?”

 

“No, not at all. I used to smoke as well, heavily and like a bandit but Michelle told me if I didn’t stop she wouldn’t marry me. It wasn’t a difficult choice, at least not in the way it was difficult to give up. Just watching you doing it makes me want one,” Eric replied.

 

Nick was aware of the current-day attitudes toward smoking and though he questioned his actions before he did it, a moment later he offered the pack to Eric out of a sense of courtesy. Following a moment’s consideration, Eric shook his head. Asking as an alternative, Eric said, “Any chance we could have another coffee?”

 

Nick looked at him and nodded. He inhaled deeply once more and then stubbed out what was left of the cigarette. He walked over and picked up the coffee mugs and moved toward the kitchen, with Eric following closely behind. He flicked a switch on the electric jug to boil the water and then prepared the mugs with instant coffee, sugar and milk. As he waited for the water, he turned, leaned against the sink and looked at Eric.

 

It had been fundamentally quiet between them since the completion of the story. Mainly it was because Nick was emotional as he dealt with the aftermath of memories and feelings, while alternatively, Eric held back his words with cautious uncertainty. It was uncomfortable the way it always was when silence existed between people who needed and wanted to talk, however, as soon as Nick’s eyes fell on Eric, Eric spoke immediately.

 

“Nick, would you mind if I asked you some questions about the story you told me?”

 

“No, not at all,” Nick replied.

 

“I suppose this doesn’t really have anything to do with the reason for why you told me but it occurred to me as you spoke of the events and I wondered how you came to know. With everything happening the way it did, how did you find out about your father and all the other information, if you were a newborn baby left alone?”

 

Nick looked at Eric and nodded his comprehension of the reason for the question before he said, “Two years ago, so many questions were eating away at me and I needed to know the answers. Questions about the identity of my father and what happened to him. Also about the rest of my family, at least if there was any family and why no one ever came to take me home. I also wanted to know where my mother was buried. All I really knew was my mother’s name and that she’d died in the car accident. I decided to search and dig around but to cut a long story short, I uncovered my mother’s address in Boston and I got in my car one weekend and drove there.”

 

Eric questioned, “Who knew the address? I mean, how did you find out?”

 

“I went back to the orphanage,” Nick said.

 

Eric asked, “Was that a chilling experience?”

 

“To the core, yes. As I walked through the grounds and the building, I kept seeing old pictures in my head of Jake and me together in different places. They were all just memories, though. Physically, almost everything had changed or at least it seemed like it had. Everyone I had known was gone, employees and children alike,” Nick clarified.

 

Eric asked, “Did they have any useful information?”

 

“They had the standard file applicable to every child but mine lacked any earlier details to lead me where I wanted to go. Coincidently, I was talking with the administrator’s assistant. It was the same office where I had learned about Jake and it was the one thing that hadn’t changed at all. The new assistant was nice enough and she apologized that she couldn’t help me but as she stood up to return the old file to the old cabinets, she stopped barely out of her chair. She was closing the file when she said, ‘Wait.’

 

“She remarked that there was a note written in red ink on the inside of the back cover of the filing folder. She didn’t read it to me but she told me it was signed by Mrs Druitt and referred to an item that had been put into the basement storage. She called someone on the phone and requested they find it and bring it to her immediately.

 

“We sat talking for about twenty minutes and she told me certain items that sometimes accompanied orphans on arrival, were for later in life and were usually handed over when they left. This item was mine but because I’d run away, I’d never received it.

 

“Finally a mature man came in and put a wooden box on the desk. She thanked him and he left. She then unfolded a piece of paper, which was slid beneath a rubber band that was around the box. Again I don’t know what it said but whatever it said, she nodded agreeably and then pushed the box across her desk to me. I picked it up and wanted to open it immediately but I felt like I had some mysterious treasure in my hand and that I had to treat it with respect. I looked up at the woman, smiled and thanked her and then I stood and left. I had to open it on my own.

 

“I drove all the way home and waited until I was inside before I revealed its contents. It contained an envelope with one thousand dollars sealed inside. There was also a twenty-five-year-old bank statement of balance, which had been mailed to her all those years previous and though there was less than two hundred fifty dollars in the account, it was this item that gave me the Boston address. There was a beautiful, jade heart necklace on a black leather strap. It was small and delicate and to this day I wonder if it was something Tim had given to my mother. There were also a few photos but I didn’t know who the people in them were. My original birth certificate was in the box as well as some other personal items but in essence, that box became the thing that moved me forward again.”

 

Eric asked, “Was it a hard decision to go to Boston?”

 

“I suppose on one level, yes it was. You see I knew nothing at all. Thoughts about these things had been swirling around my mind for years. Things like whether I had any family that were alive. Understand, Eric, I was carrying substantial anger and resentment that no one had cared enough to search for me, check on my wellbeing or even come to get me. Of course I considered my mother might have been alone like me and perhaps an only child as well. I did wonder if a lonely world had brought me into a lonely world but as much as it seemed possible and even reasonable, I resented what I didn’t have and I wanted it with an unendurable ache.

 

“So often as a boy I wondered why I had been left behind. I was also carrying fear that maybe there was no one at all. I hated the thought that I was completely alone in the world. As a consequence, I decided if I did have family somewhere, I should give them the benefit of the doubt. It was probably just neediness and selfishness on my part but after twenty-five years, I felt no sense of belonging, which made me feel like I had no purpose. I desperately required some answers and to learn everything for certain,” Nick explained.

 

“I understand but you said you wanted to search for them as if it were a negative thing. In those circumstances, how could anyone not be filled with a need to know? I certainly don’t think it was selfish. Nick, I think it was perfectly natural and I know I would have done exactly the same,” Eric said.

 

“Maybe,” Nick replied disbelievingly “but anyway, I arrived in Dorchester to be confronted by this hulking great house. It wasn’t a mansion or anything like that but coming from my circumstances, it may as well have been. I sat outside for some time just staring at it and wondering what sort of life my mother had lived within those walls as a girl. I don’t know why but I was suddenly filled with doubts about why I was even there. I wondered what good any answers would do for me in the scheme of things. After driving all that way, I started making excuses so that I wouldn’t have to get out of the car and knock on the door. I told myself that after twenty-five years, it was reasonable that I had no family at all and even if I did, they probably didn’t even live there anymore.

 

“In that moment it seemed a pointless exercise and so I decided to leave. I was about to start the car and drive back to Michigan after sitting outside the house for only fifteen minutes. I even had my fingers on the key in the ignition but then suddenly the front door opened and a woman in her forties walked out onto the veranda. She looked both ways up and down the street like someone would do before crossing a road but then as her eyes came back, they fell on me and both of our eyes locked on each other. She stared at me inconsequentially at first but then despite the distance between us, I was fully aware of the change in her expression to curiosity but then suddenly and very obviously, to confusion.

 

“I can’t really explain why but I felt fear and apprehension and I heard my mind arguing with my heart to get the hell out of Dodge. I couldn’t take my eyes off her and she couldn’t take her eyes off me and it was then that I saw what was a questioning recognition on her face. It was strange but my body twitched or jerked involuntarily. It was just as I was about to turn the key and drive away. With that unconscious action, my hand accidently pulled the key out of the ignition and they dropped to the floor. I finally dragged my eyes away from her and I bent down to get the keys but as I moved my leg to get my foot out of the way, I kicked the keys under the seat. I felt like life was conspiring against me.”

 

“Maybe the reverse,” Eric suggested.

 

Nick shrugged. “As I was fumbling around trying to find the keys, almost a minute had past. When I finally gripped them and sat back up, she was standing beside my door and looking in at me. My window was down and I heard her gasp and saw her facial expression change to disbelief and then she spoke a single word. Even though a tone of near certainty accompanied it, she still said it as if she were requesting confirmation.”

 

Eric asked excitedly, “What did she say?”

 

“Eric, you and all the guys refer to me as Dozer. You are the first, well, with any degree of sincerity,” he added referring to Jack “to ever call me Nick. There are only a couple of people of importance in my life, you being one of them but the ones that are important to me, call me Nick. It’s what I want people to call me and it’s also how I relate to myself. The thing is, the woman said my name but she referred to me by my given name. I hadn’t heard it in thirteen years but Nicholas was the word that floated through my car window. Perhaps I placed more emphasis on it than I should have but it meant something to me and it confirmed that someone I didn’t know and had never seen before, knew who I was. My throat tightened and all I could do was nod yes.”

 

“Man, Nick, I guess that must have sent your mind into a spin?”

 

“You’re not wrong, Eric, I was speechless. She didn’t even wait for me to say or do anything. She just reached for my door and opened it, told me her name was Mary and that she was my mother’s sister. She then told me I had to come into the house and talk to her. I was literally astounded but without question I got out of the car and followed her into the house. She sat me down at a kitchen table and after making us coffee; she sat down opposite me and said she assumed I had a lot of questions. I nodded yes; still somewhat speechless and then she proceeded to tell me the whole story. Much of what she revealed to me was what I told you earlier. So many things made sense to me all of a sudden. Not that I particularly liked them but it made everything clear,” Nick said.

 

“I don’t know how you handled it, Nick. Hearing it in an abridged form almost broke me and made me want to kick the shit out of your grandfather,” Eric said almost angrily.

 

“Well, he’s dead now. Apparently the hypocrite went to some woman’s home to give her spiritual guidance and he attacked her and tried to molest her. She broke free, ran for a gun her husband had in the house and as he came at her again, she put a bullet in his chest and killed him. After that, the whole family broke apart. Mary is the only one still living in the family home.”

 

“Not that even that was good enough for that prick but let justice be done,” Eric said and then asked, “I’m a little curious, though, how did Mary know it was you in the car?”

 

“It was one of the first things she explained while she was making us a coffee. She told me it was my eyes. She said there was no way she couldn’t recognize Helen’s eyes and that I had them too. She then said that when she walked to the car and saw my face up close, she saw Helen again but in particular, she saw Tim looking back at her. As a consequence of that I later realized my middle name was my father’s first name.

 

“Mary told me Helen came to her the morning after she discovered that Tim was gone and she told her what they had done. She also said that despite everything, right up to the last day she saw Helen, unconditional love for Tim remained constant. Later I considered searching for Tim but then I thought he didn’t really give a shit about my mother. I decided he was probably just a standard guy who would say anything to get laid. Following what Mary told me, I believed and still do to this day, Tim’s actions, though not calculated as such, were culpable. I felt like Tim was the reason for everything that happened and so I decided he wasn’t worth the effort. In essence, Tim was why I said to you at the beginning that my conception was the cause. If it weren’t for him, none of this would have happened,” Nick completed with a somewhat resentful tone of voice.

 

Eric understood why Nick felt the way he did and he also could believe that where men were concerned, it was not a stretch to believe Tim’s actions had been less than honorable. Still he thought it was too much to blame one man for decades of occurrences. He wanted to say something but he thought it best not to interfere in personal history and so he asked something else that did not make sense to him.

 

“Wait, you said you found your Birth Certificate in the box, so how could you not know who your father was?”

 

“Well, even though both parents names are meant to be on a Birth Certificate by law, Tim’s name was absent so I never knew who he was,” Nick explained.

 

“Odd,” Eric said.

 

“Mary went on to tell me Helen was so trusting and believing in the good in everyone. She said after Helen realized I had been conceived, even though she warned her there would be serious consequences if she told Ezekiel she was pregnant and wanted to keep her child, Helen replied simply that they would stand by her.

 

“Eric, it made me aware in that one respect, I was the complete opposite of her. Apart from you and one other person I have met since the day Dan disappeared, I don’t really trust anyone at all,” Nick said.

 

“You made a remark like that earlier, Nick, as if it were standard to your personality. Maybe you’re afraid to trust because of what you’ve been through but I don’t believe trust is absent as much as it is hiding inside of you. It will take time but you can set it free and hopefully when you do, you’ll see there is no difference between you and Helen in that regard,” Eric said.

 

Nick looked at Eric but shrugged doubtfully before turning around. With the water now boiled, Nick made both men another coffee but when he handed Eric’s to him, neither man moved and they remained leaning against opposite benches looking at each other.

 

Eric still found it difficult to comprehend that Nick had been subjected to a life, which he considered tragic and lonely. He consistently thought he wanted to walk over to Nick and comfort him but he thought that somehow it would not be right. The way Eric perceived Nick, it felt like Nick might consider it would be condescending if not patronizing. He looked at Nick and he was amazed at what an incredible man he had become, in spite of everything.

 

As Eric stood silently, Nick’s face showed an ever-present yet subtle tension. His eyes were clear and sharp but deep within, somewhere in a background Eric could not know, he could make out an emotional struggle in the process. The tension or whatever it was existed regardless of whether Nick was thinking of the next thing he was going to say or even if he was already explaining something.

 

“I sat with Mary for three hours talking but mainly listening. She told me the family disagreed with the decision her father had made but she explained things were very different for them back then. They were all simply too afraid of him to stand up to him or disagree with him. Eric, you won’t believe this but Ezekiel never told them and so no one even knew Helen had died. The only person he told was Charlotte and he forbade her to tell any of them.

 

“Mary said Helen’s body had been brought back to Boston but she was buried in a non-religious section of the cemetery, with only her name and the dates on the headstone. As for my grandmother, Charlotte, I told you she was one of those quiet, never question or say a word types but she finally told the children after Ezekiel died. By that time I was only months away from escaping onto the streets. I guess it was like the timing just wasn’t right.

 

“Sitting in Mary’s kitchen, it was strange because I kept looking at her, a woman I had not met before. She was only forty-three but though she was far from old, I guess life and its circumstances had already begun to take their toll. I could still see she would have been a very attractive, younger woman but as good as she looked, age was pressing on her. She had black hair like mine but it had already begun to grey. She also had blue eyes like mine. Another thing I noticed was that though what parts of her skin were uncovered showed me she and the sun were not regular acquaintances, she had the same olive skin as well. She looked after herself, she was slim and she was also dressed conservatively but well. She was so decent and kind and in the midst of everything she told me, I thought she was presenting a subtle guilt, as if my circumstances were somehow her fault.

 

“At a certain point she unexpectedly excused herself and left the kitchen and I thought she was going to use the toilet but several minutes later she returned and presented me with a photograph. I looked at it and instantly as well as unexpectedly, I began to cry. I was twenty-five and for the very first time I was seeing the face of my mother,” Nick said but paused abruptly and swallowed deeply.

 

Nick had shown extraordinary emotional control up until the loss of Dan and Julia but now as he answered Eric’s questions with added detail, every now and then his walls were losing cohesion under the pressure. He glanced sideways, took a deep breath and swallowed hard again, as he tried to stop the feelings from rising up and overflowing.

 

Eric felt his chest tighten as his heart filled with sympathy and compassion. He stepped forward, reached out and touched Nick’s arm. Nick looked up at him and he nodded his acknowledgement but the touch made him swallow again, this time harder, as he tried to hold back the swirling emotions. He picked up his steaming coffee and took a very large drink to loosen his throat and then with a throat clearing eh-hmm, he looked into Eric’s eyes and readied himself to continue.

 

“Apparently they weren’t twins but they looked so alike. Mary showed me another photo of the two of them together. They were standing with their arms wrapped around each other and their cheeks pressed together. They were both laughing and they looked so happy. My mother was one year older but she and Mary were closer than they were to their other siblings. Apparently I have another aunt and an uncle but they are staunchly religious and follow in the line of their father. They now live in the deep south of the country. I asked about my grandmother but she died one year before my arrival in Boston.

 

“Anyway, to me my mother was beautiful and Mary told me that she was lively, funny, honest, loving and she had been her best friend in the world until the day she went away. She said when she finally found out Helen was dead and that I was alive and alone, she shut down for weeks because she felt she had let Helen down by not being there for me. Her face fell into her hands and she sobbed as the muffled words ‘I’m sorry,’ poured repetitively from her mouth. I cried as well and I went to her and held her until we both regained our composure. I explained that it wasn’t her fault and that I held no resentment but that if she needed me to forgive her, she already had it.

 

“Mary told me she tried to find me and had only been able to trace me as far as the orphanage. She knew I had run away but after that she simply had no idea. I understood because how could anyone have known where I was or what I had done. For all she knew I was dead,” Nick said.

 

“Oh man, Nick,” Eric said sympathetically and wondered if Nick ha remained at the orphanage, whether things might have turned out differently. Though he wanted to say something more, his mind was blank to everything except for how amazed he was and how bad he felt for Nick.

 

“So that’s pretty much all there was to it,” Nick said and then he picked up his coffee and began to walk back to the living room. Eric followed as a matter of cause and effect.

 

“I apologize for becoming so emotional while explaining that to you. I thought I was resolved with it all, particularly considering that I learned all of this two years ago,” he said as he walked.

 

“Nick, I already told you earlier, don’t apologize for being human. Damn Nick, no one should have to go through the sort of shit you’ve had to put up with in your life and so a penitent remark to a natural reaction is completely uncalled for. Nick, I can’t believe the life you’ve lived. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for you,” Eric said and as they approached the couch, he made it his intention to sit beside Nick again.

 

“Well it wasn’t easy but that part of it is over now and I’m simply trying to move on and change everything for the better. I missed out on so much and there is so much I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I guess what Superman must have felt like being alone on earth, without anyone that understood.”

 

Eric looked at Nick. He had been so attracted to him for so long. It had always been a sexual attraction about nothing other than hot and all consuming sex. Despite his motivation for visiting Nick, still he had come with that same hidden agenda. A hungry hope to get Nick naked and into bed. However, as the afternoon and evening had progressed and the barrage of information had opened his eyes to the true nature of this man, his wanton agenda had been discouraged by respect, concern and a wholly alternative picture. He had in essence, swung between desire and dismissal repetitively but now, Eric’s attitude had begun to cement itself into friendship. He believed he would always be sexually attracted to Nick but after everything he had learned, there seemed more important concerns that were being instigated between them.

 

Eric put his arm around Nick and pulled him against him. Once again he was holding him side-to-side but closely and warmly.

 

“Well you’re not alone now Nick and at least there is one person who knows, even if I can’t relate as well as you’d like me too. I promise you that you have a friend in me. I’ll help you with anything you need and I’ll explain anything that you don’t understand. All you have to do is call me or come and see me or ask me to come to you. You only need to let me know what is going on with you. You have my word I’ll be here for you,” Eric promised.

 

“Thanks, Eric,” Nick said while swallowing back emotion again but also feeling an unaccustomed relief. He turned beneath Eric’s arm and wrapped both of his arms around his body. Eric responded and turning also, they held each other for a short time.

 

Eric could not believe the emotions running through his body. He felt empathy, he felt the birth of a new and very real friendship but still he could not negate his standard attraction to Nick and his erection grew as a consequence.

 

Nick was again feeling overcome by Eric’s support and caring attitude. It made him feel like there was a chance he could be saved from his enforced immersion into solitude. He could also feel the heat between their bodies and a type of closeness with another man he had longed for. When he felt his growing hardness and the natural sexual feelings growing in concert, he wished that Eric was not married and he could be wrapped around him like this but naked and in his bed.

 

Both men suddenly felt somewhat discomforted by the obvious magnetism and passion that each was generating within the other. Everything felt right between them but strangely, they both felt subtle uncertainty for different reasons and both thought they should not allow the feelings to develop. It was as if a telepathic connection was running through their minds and though they maintained their embrace, they drew back slightly and looked into each other’s eyes. Their eyes said everything that needed to be said at that moment and Eric gave a soft, almost whispered laugh at the irony, while Nick simply smiled.

 

As their brief though silent gaze continued, Eric suddenly noticed overwhelming emotions coursing through him. He had already been aware of them but now they were intensifying. They all seemed connected but at the same time they seemed to be crossing boundaries. He felt true compassion, he felt a desire to care for Nick and he felt an unflinching trust and belief in him. However, what was most noticeable was the abiding feeling of friendship and its associated love that was taking root within his soul. It was a little unnerving because of its speed and magnitude. He felt like he was falling into Nick’s eyes but it was not falling in love in the normal sense, it was falling into the love of a friend.

 

Eric knew his following action was odd. Still he leaned forward and he pressed his closed lips to Nick’s with a gentle kiss. It was soft and honest and not meant as anything more than a peck, like someone would place on another’s cheek. It was accompanied by a thought to let Nick know how much he cared, even though he also knew on some deeper level, he wanted at least one taste or touch of Nick. However, instead of allowing it to be brief and also while not understanding its true nature, Nick accepted the kiss and pushed his lips into it.

 

Eric was surprised when he felt it, instantly noticing he was being pulled across a line he had been struggling to avoid, placing him squarely amidst a sexual connection. It was not hard for him to step over the line because it seemed as if he had wanted it forever.

 

Their arms tightened around each other’s bodies, Eric’s lips parted and Nick’s mouth opened as he accepted the tongue within it. The kiss was soft and sensual but it evolved, growing deep, hard and passionate and their bodies began to writhe. Almost a minute later, Eric pulled away but it was not abrupt or negative in any way and he looked at Nick, both of their tanned faces flushed with blood, revealing their heated passions.

 

Nick let go of Eric and he stood up, his mind in two places. Not only was kissing Eric a dream come true but also, the kiss had seared into his soul. He knew for the entire time Eric had been with him, irrespective of all that had taken place, he had been looking at him with desire like he always did. There had been a constant energy between them that was thick and palpable but Nick believed it would be wrong to allow his desires to succumb to it. At the same time however, this had been his first, real and very substantial kiss and he became so driven by hungry need, he did not want it to end. His body was sweating beneath his clothes, he was hard as a rock and he was about to submit when Eric broke the kiss. He did not understand and it confused him.

 

“Jesus,” Nick said, his voice prominently surrounded by a gasp of breath. He knew he wanted it but now assumed Eric was opposed to it. He therefore tried to make his reaction sound like it should not have happened. He looked down to see a large tenting of his shorts and then he glanced to see Eric looking at the bulge as well. Nick did not know what to do or say.

 

“Join the club,” Eric said and laughed.

 

Eric stood also and revealed the same problem. They both adjusted themselves for comfort purposes and then sat back down. They both wanted to return to what had just happened but they both thought better of it for their own reasons. Eric knew he had to adjust his focus and as he wanted to ask Nick some other questions, he decided it was the best way to avoid what was passing between them. He did not want to do it and could not believe he was actually going to deny himself this man and yet, still it was exactly what he did.

 

The extreme distance Eric’s next words put them from what had happened surprised Nick. It seemed to suggest Eric was not interested in him sexually at all. It confused him further, considering Eric had an erection as well.

 

“Nick, please don’t take this as a slight against you but for someone that was only schooled for seven years, you seem very intelligent. Considering that you’ve missed out on so much and that there is so much you wouldn’t know, you seem further advanced than I would expect and you also speak very well. For someone who lived your life and also experienced your understandable withdrawal from people and society, you have a good vocabulary. I have to say thoughts like that kept coming to my mind consistently throughout your story. How is that even possible?”

 

Nick was still feeling uncomfortable with what had just happened but what Eric said meant so much to him, he was able to let go of the confusion a little and he smiled.

 

“Thanks for the compliment, Eric. You have no idea how reassuring that is to me. In the last four years I’ve taken the time to use a public library to learn a great deal I otherwise wouldn’t have known. I always felt inadequate when I heard people talking about things I had no idea about. Particularly before games when the guys were talking in the locker room generally. During the first part of my time out in the real world, most of the time I felt like an idiot.

 

“Following the first month of using the library I met an older woman. She overheard me complaining about not knowing how to find something I wanted and she approached me and offered to help. She was surprised I didn’t know about indexes and references but when she saw how embarrassed I became and I turned to walk away from her, she asked me to wait and as a consequence, we ended up going outside and sitting down to talk. I explained only what was relevant and so she offered to help me. I told her I needed more help than any one person could give but she told me she was a retired teacher and if I would let her, she could help me begin my journey forward.”

 

Eric asked in disbelief, “That’s what she said?”

 

“Yeah. I couldn’t believe it and I never forgot those words, ”Nick replied.

 

“I’m not surprised,” Eric said.

 

“Well, I told her some of what I’ve told you and so she understood my lack of fundamental knowledge. Over the next couple of years we met regularly and she taught me so many things that made a huge difference to how I felt about myself. She brought me up to speed on a lot of things but it didn’t really help with the more personal things that you’re aware of about me. It was at the library that I saw my first computer up close but Estelle Jacobs was an aging woman with traditional ideas and beliefs and she told me I needed to learn the basics before I got lost in the modern world of technology. What she taught me didn’t cover everything but regardless, she expanded my foundation and helped me find a degree of intellectual security I had been missing. You see, Eric, I had known I had to do something to get ahead, so the library was my solution and how I began to learn more,” Nick explained.

 

“A good solution I’d say and one that explains a great deal but now that you’re where you are, I think it would be even more helpful for you, if we got you a computer and introduced you to a search engine. I admit there is no substitute for the old, hard copy knowledge base of books but there are some things these days that you just can’t really learn from books. The Internet has its pluses as well as its minuses and I definitely think you could benefit from the more visual and interactive side of its influence. It also offers the pace you can get to knowledge. Sometimes you don’t even have to move. You just pick up your device and in seconds you have an answer. Having swift knowledge at the touch of a button, I’m sure would be very gratifying to you. Not to mention the other things it might bring to your awareness,” Eric said and grinned deviously.

 

“I’m glad what I did is noticeable and that I don’t come across like a Neanderthal.”

 

“Under no circumstances could you ever be placed in that category, Nick. Not in any way, shape or form,” he said and Nick smiled. “By the way, do you still see Estelle?”

 

“No, unfortunately she passed away eight months ago.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Eric said, hoping that yet another loss had not affected Nick too intensely.

 

“It was hard, Eric, like all losses are and I really miss her but she holds a warm place in my memories and heart,” Nick clarified, completing with a soft and nostalgic smile.

 

“Can I ask you a couple of other questions, Nick?”

 

“Sure,” Nick replied.

 

“I don’t mean to touch on another emotional issue for you but something you said brought another question to my mind,” Eric said.

 

Nick asked, “What’s your question?”

 

Eric said, “The headstone on your mother’s grave. Did you go and see it?”

 

“Yes. After Mary and I talked and she had told me everything, I asked her where the cemetery was and told her I wanted to go and visit my mother. She told me she was happy to tell me but that she would be more than pleased to take me to her directly and show me where it was.

 

“Some time later I was standing in front of my mother’s grave. It was such a weird feeling, Eric. To know that the woman that gave life to me and that I had never seen or touched within my available memories and also that only a few hours beforehand, I had seen her face for the very first time in a photo, was actually in a box beneath six feet of dirt under my feet, well, it’s hard to explain. I believed she was dust and bones but in my mind she was the happy face in the photo. Also, in a childish way I guess, I imagined she was asleep but beyond my reach,” Nick said.

 

Eric felt guilty and said, “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

 

“No, Eric, it’s fine. Actually I think it’s a nice way to remember her.”

 

“Yeah, it is, Nick.”

 

“The really great thing was Mary’s influence,” Nick said.

 

Eric asked, “What do you mean?”

 

“Mary told me that all those years ago she overheard Ezekiel telling Charlotte some woman turned her back on God. Ezekiel said he had to pay for the transport of a Jezebel’s body to bring her back to Boston but he wasn’t going to waste more money than he had to on a heathen. At the time, Mary hadn’t realized or understood that he was talking about Helen because she didn’t know she was dead. It came together in her mind years later. Anyway, he had the cheapest slab of stone he could get, placed above her grave. After he died, Mary set about having it changed. The head stone had been replaced with this beautiful, grey marble with white flecks but what was written on it made me smile,” Nick said.

 

Eric asked, “What did it say?”

 

“It read; ‘Helen Madonna Rawlins. Beloved mother, daughter, sister and friend. An honest soul, a loving heart and a trusting spirit. She will live on through love and memory.’ Of course it also said that she was born in nineteen sixty-five and that she died in nineteen eighty four but it was the words Mary decided upon that got to me. The fact I was mentioned shook me to my foundations. You see with that small recognition, in combination with meeting Mary and learning all I did that day, I truly felt like I had a place in the world that included someone else’s past,” Nick said and looked down thoughtfully.

 

“My god, Nick. You know I simply cannot imagine going through any of what you have been through and then to suddenly have some schmuck like me asking you questions, particularly after the intensity alone of having revealed your story, I just don’t know how you keep it together and don’t fall apart,” Eric said feeling guilty again.

 

“I came to terms with the substance of my lot in life a long time ago, Eric. These things that I’m explaining to you came later and they were healing to old wounds. Their knowledge didn’t cause the wounds or reopen the wounds and have instead made them better. Sure, the memories may be emotional and at times I may have to swallow back tears but things are better than they ever have been and I’m doing okay as far as I’m concerned. Well, in all except one area of my life.

 

“As for you, Eric, you’re certainly not a schmuck. Buddy, you’re the only person in my life that knows my whole story. Even Mary doesn’t know some of the things that you know. I trust you, Eric. It’s why I said I’d like for us to be friends. I know I have to learn to open myself up to people and to stop being so afraid of losing them. I admit it wasn’t a specific choice to open up to you but as I said to you earlier, I always thought that you were one of the nicest guys on the team but what I didn’t say was that in all honesty, you are one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. You see, my choices to come out to you, to tell you about Jack and then to tell you everything else, well, it was all based on my opinion of you and of my need to start with someone that I believed I could trust,” Nick explained.

 

“Oh man, Nick…” Eric said but stopped and exhaled deeply in astonishment.

 

“Don’t feel embarrassed, Eric. Just know that you can ask me anything.”

 

“Nick, I’m not embarrassed. I’m honored in a way that I feel unworthy to be honored. I haven’t done anything to deserve what you’re giving to me.”

 

Nick smiled broadly and a small though bemused laugh followed before he explained, “Eric, you didn’t have to do anything because it wasn’t about what you did or didn’t do. It was and is about nothing other than who you are and have always been toward me over the last four years. My only hope is that it never changes.”

 

“Well obviously I’m doing something right, even though I’m not really sure what the hell it is that I’m doing but if what you’re saying is based on that something within me, then I hope that it never changes as well,” Eric said honestly.

 

Nick smiled a happy smile and then breezing onward easily and with no doubt toward Eric, he asked, “So, do you have another question?”

 

Eric shook his head in amazement of the attitude Nick held about him. He then nodded that he did have another question and Nick smiled again and said, “Fire away.”

 

“So until last year, you hadn’t been with a guy since Dan?”

 

“Yeah, though not that I suppose you could really call what I did with Dan being with him. It may have meant the world to me but it was innocent fumbling. I don’t suppose what I have been doing with guys recently could really be called being with them either. Those anonymous men were just blowjobs after all,” Nick said.

 

“I understand what your saying but considering your circumstances, don’t sell yourself short. At least you’ve been getting out there and doing something about it and all steps lead to another step and no step is ever the same,” Eric said.

 

“Wow, Eric, that’s really wise.”

 

“So Nick, are you not into women at all?”

 

“I like women, I get on well with them and I enjoy spending time with them and talking to them. The thing is, when it comes to sex, I want a man. I want the harder body, I want the masculinity and I want cock,” Nick said and started to laugh at his unchained honesty.

 

Again Nick thought how apart from Eric, he had never spoken so openly to anyone but again also, he was aware of how good it felt to be unleashed. Even so, it still felt strange to tell someone that he wanted to have sex with men.

 

Eric laughed too. He saw the expression on Nick’s face after he said he wanted cock and it combined both self-consciousness and self-surprise. Eric ignored Nick’s discomfort. He wanted to make him feel more at ease and he certainly did not want to nurture his insecurity.

 

“I know what you mean, Nick. I love Michelle like no one else that has ever entered my life and I can’t imagine that I will ever love anyone else like her. I want to be with her and though I may love women and love sex with women, for me there is just something about sex with a man and being penetrated by a man. I love it and I love sucking cock as well. There is a distinct difference between the passion of a man and the passion of a woman but there is also the strength and the power and the hardness of two men’s bodies, crashing and crushing and grinding and fucking and it is for those reasons that I will love men and have sex with them for the rest of my life as well. I will love and never leave Michelle but I need to know there’ll be sex with men also,” Eric explained.

 

“I understand what you’re saying to me and I suppose I can sort of relate to the essence of it but I could never feel that way about a woman. For me where sex and love is concerned, I will never look beyond men. I guess I now get the bisexual thing but how does Michelle cope with your need for someone else?”

 

Eric smiled. “Michelle understands me completely. She knew I was bisexual before we got married. As I said to you earlier, Michelle is also bisexual and she crosses those lines too, not as regularly as I do but she’ll have sex with women if she is in the mood for something different.

 

“Nick, I’ll tell you something that neither of us has ever told anyone else. We have an agreement. Same sex liaisons are okay but neither of us will cross the opposite sex boundary at any time. We both believe if we feel we need that variation, it would mean we’re not getting what we want from each other. We believe it would signal there was a problem between us. We both get plenty of sex, whether it is from each other or from other same sex hook ups but if we both love each other and are getting what we need from each other, then it makes sense that we don’t need to get from someone else what we already give each other. We both love cock and we both love pussy but Michelle furnishes me with pussy and I furnish her with cock, so we only have to go elsewhere to get what the other can’t provide. It really works well for us and I think because of it, we love each other more than we did when we got married.”

 

“Man, Eric, I find that incredible,” Nick said.

 

“Well if I’m honest with you, Nick, I do as well. Look, I’m a very lucky man to have found a woman like Michelle. I think the chances of stumbling upon someone like that must be a million to one. I suspect there would be so many bisexuals out there who would be envious of what I’ve got with Michelle and I wouldn’t blame them. I’ll tell you something else that will really make you understand what I’m about and what my relationship with Michelle is like. I have always been attracted to you and Michelle knows it.”

 

Nick questioned in disbelief, “I appreciate the compliment Eric and it is definitely mutual but are you serious? I mean that Michelle is aware of guys you’re attracted to?”

 

“Nick, Michelle said to me when she told me to come and talk to you that if there was any chance for me to have my way with you, I had her blessing.”

 

Nick said astonished, “No way!”

 

“I swear. She trusts me, she loves me, she knows I love her and she also knows how much I’ve wanted you for the last four years,” he said and Nick blushed. “I’m sorry Nick, I really didn’t mean to embarrass you or make you feel uncomfortable,” he added.

 

“No, you didn’t embarrass me or make me uncomfortable. I don’t know why my face flushed. Maybe because no man has ever spoken to me like that before, as much as I’ve always wanted one to. Certainly not one that I thought was straight and that I often check out secretly in the locker room,” he explained.

 

“To think we’ve both been cock watching for all this time and not known,” Eric said while snickering.

 

Nick was unfamiliar with the term despite its clear meaning. He thought he knew what Eric was suggesting but because he did not want to make an assumption and possibly look like an idiot, he said questioningly, “Cock watching?”

 

“Just something I started calling it to myself. I adapted it from bird watching,” he explained and both men chuckled heartily with laughter.

 

Nick joked while grinning broadly, “So what do you think of my Brown Crested Long John?”

 

“Excellent specimen. I always wanted to catch it and hold it in my palm and pet it,” Eric said extending before a devious chuckle resonated between them.

 

“Well, Eric, I think you’ve got a really nice cock and the picture only gets better when I extend my vision to include your body and your face,” Nick said, allowing his new sense of verbal freedom to be unleashed.

 

“Jesus, Nick, you’re not helping my self-control here,” Eric said, reaching for his crotch to adjust the tightness again.

 

Nick adjusted his also and with a flushed expression said he thought it was time for another coffee. “Maybe a cold shower as well,” he joked half seriously as he stood up.

 

Eric asked as he stood up and blocked Nick’s path, “Can I join you in the shower?”

 

In that moment Eric knew that though he had decided to be Nick’s friend and not allow sex to taint the picture, as Nick was now suddenly making comments and showing interest and also with the kiss that had taken place between them, his control fell away in favor of his mounting desires and he stared wantonly into Nick’s eyes.

 

Nick’s mouth parted slightly, his lips red and wet and shining, a small sheen of perspiration across his brow, his heartbeat heavy and his breathing becoming stilted yet deep. He wanted to agree as he looked at the very handsome and strong man standing barely a foot away from him. However, despite everything that Eric had said about Michelle, Nick still felt somehow guilty for wanting him.

 

Nick questioned vaguely, “Michelle?

 

Eric heard the tentative agreement within his wife’s name and he was wrapped around Nick in an instant, his tongue in his mouth, one hand squeezing the muscles in his ass cheek and the other rubbing his massive chest and nipple. As this took place, a very big and very hard cock was at crossed swords with his own. For what must have been the fourth time, Eric had filled Nick’s chest with relief but now it was for a completely different reason.

 

“Eric,” Nick rasped, overwhelmed by desire, as feelings he yearned for rose up like a tidal wave and swamped him with lust and heat.

 

Eric did not reply. He simply grabbed Nick’s t-shirt and dragged it over his head, throwing it away indiscriminately. His hands moved onto Nick’s huge chest, palms flat, fingers stretching and he slid them over the perfectly smooth and tanned, balling muscles of flesh. He stopped and rubbed his thumbs firmly against the dark magenta nipples and then he looked into Nick’s eyes. They were already beginning to glaze over, as the heat and the feelings spread throughout his body.

 

A small wisp of a sigh expelled from between his barely parted lips and Nick discovered he could find no rationality or reasoning, to stop what he wanted from happening. He was in essence, for the first time in his life, openly embracing without doubt or question, what was taking place sexually. He knew this would not be like Jack and he knew that Eric wanted him as much as he wanted Eric.

 

With Dan, that first time had been secretive and uncertain but with Eric it felt like he was freely soaring through the sky. He saw stars and left the atmosphere when Eric’s hand slid within his shorts. Eric’s fingers were gently exploring, as they crept down and curled around the thick and very hard shaft, before stopping in a tight and unrelenting grip on his erection.

 

Eric looked at Nick and he saw his eyes were flooded with emotion. He was not sure exactly what Nick was feeling. He knew the whole story and he could only imagine all the different things that could possibly be running through Nick’s mind. Thoughts of first time real sex, thoughts of the sensuous connection of two bodies, thoughts of his cock in another man’s hand but then there were other influences. He wondered if the psychological impact of Dan or other things Nick had thought and experienced, could be affecting him from his past. Eric was not certain how he should proceed or even if he should. He had never desired a man the way he desired Nick but now he finally had him within his grasp, he was feeling irritatingly apprehensive.

 

“Show me, Eric, teach me,” Nick said and Eric moved in and kissed him with a combination of relief and lust and warmth.

 

Nick responded openly and he gave himself to Eric physically. It was a decision. He would give his body but not his heart because he knew that he wanted to give it to a man who would give him his equally in return. He pulled the polo shirt from beneath the dress shorts and slowly removed it from Eric’s body.

 

“If I had known what I know now, Eric, Jack would never have received my attentions. I always thought there could be no doubt that you were straight and I always believed I could never have you. Despite always being so attracted to you and wanting you so much, I turned to the one I never saw with a woman,” Nick explained.

 

Eric was amazed by what Nick had said. No word left his mouth, although his silent shock from his knowledge that Nick wanted him could have instigated one. He knew he had heard subtle remarks throughout the evening, which had alluded to Nick’s interest in him. He also felt the way that Nick had kissed him and saw how hard it had made him. However, now, with what Nick had said, Eric truly believed Nick wanted him, too.

 

“Touch me, Nick. Touch my body and feel it. Become aware of it and take notice of my reactions to the things you do to it. Learn to sense what your lover or partner likes, the way certain things intensify his breathing, the way your touch in certain places will make his body twitch, make his muscles contract or make his eyes glaze over from sensation. Use your whole body against him. You have one of the most enticing bodies I’ve ever seen on a man, so when you’re naked with a man and you’re holding him in your arms, depending on what you’re doing at the time, use your body thoughtfully. Caress with your body and rub with it, hard if the sex is frenzied and tender if it’s more affectionate. Let your body, your lips, your cock and your hands, move with the rhythms of the feelings and the moments.

 

“You told me in your story about the time with the prostitute named Kelly, how she showed you what you needed to know. There’ll be very little I’ll need to teach you but those things she taught you, just adapt them to fit the gender and the situation. I promise you that you have almost all the knowledge you need instinctively and intuitively and I’ll show you the rest. Trust yourself, Nick. It’s all you’ll have to do. Once you have that confidence, I’ll be envious of the man that reels you in. He’ll be a lucky man indeed.”

 

Nick looked at Eric with a degree of disbelief. The way he said things, the way he explained things and not only the way it touched his heart but also the way Eric touched his body, it made him wish for a moment that Eric were not bisexual or married to Michelle. He wished Eric could be his man.

 

Nick asserted himself immediately. He pulled Eric into his arms and against his body hard. He kissed him with a heat that could have sparked a wildfire and figuratively, it did. Eric groaned with desire and his hands perused Nick’s back desperately. He pulled back and gasped as he said, “Damn. You’re one quick study, Nick.”

 

“Eric, I need to say something before we do this. When I said I thought your relationship with Michelle was incredible, I was being literal but I was also referring to how liberal you were sexually and emotionally. I can’t be like that, Eric. It isn’t what I want. I want one person to be with and to experience with and to share with. I want someone I can fall in love with and who will fall in love with me. You see, Eric, I want the intensity some people don’t seem to want. I need that intensity to fuel me and I want my heart to burn for a man. I know the emotions experienced from sex with a man are going to touch me in ways I’ve never been touched but I don’t want to live a life of random fucking, no matter how good it may be. I need something more, something deeper and I know it. I know that I will feed off the power of emotions that extend further than what sex alone will create,” Nick explained.

 

Eric looked at Nick curiously and regardless of what he was sure he had heard only minutes before, he began to think that Nick was inferring he was having second thoughts and did not really want to have sex with him. The thought filled him with disappointment but he respected Nick so much, he felt he had no right to try to manipulate him into something he did not want, regardless of how much he, in fact, did.

 

“We don’t have to do this,” Eric said, now a little uncertain.

 

“I haven’t met that man yet but I do know it can’t be you, Eric. I also know that I’ve wanted you for four years as well and so with nothing to stop us, my body is yours for now and I want yours as well.”

 

Nick dropped his shorts and underwear and as he stepped out of them he stood straight, tall and secure. He looked at Eric with eyes that said one thing. Eric dropped his eyes to the large erection that stood like a flagless flagpole and suddenly the teacher was flustered, as he tried to remove his shorts hurriedly.

 

“Answer me one question, Eric? How do I know who takes the role of the man and who takes the role of the woman?”

 

Eric laughed. He could not help it. Nick was just so straightforward with a question that came out of left field. Nick was unflinching when he had something he needed to understand. Eric did not find the question surprising. He knew many guys had wondered the same thing when they were young and inexperienced.

 

“I’m sorry, Nick, I’m not laughing at you. It’s just how direct you are. In today’s world we call that a top or a bottom or active and passive. Not that it really makes much difference because versatility seems to be becoming all the rage. I’m a top with Michelle, although sometimes you couldn’t tell when she decides to take control. With guys, sometimes I’m a top and sometimes I’m a bottom but to be honest, even though I do like fucking guys, I have a preference to be dominated by a man and to submit to his power and individuality but that is based on my attraction to large, muscular men.

 

“Though some guys may disagree with my point of view, you can never really take it for granted just by looking at a guy, whether he’s a top or a bottom. I’ve been with guys that physically looked like they were born to fuck and plunder, only to get them into bed and have them beg me to fill their ass with my cock and pound them all night long. By the same token, I’ve had sex with guys with bodies and voices like women, who treated me like my whole purpose in life was to throw my legs in the air for them to fuck me. You’ll find all types and not all are obvious. Have you thought about what you want to do?”

 

“I want to be a top. I don’t know, maybe later I’ll try the alternative but for now, I really want to fuck,” Nick said.

 

“Perfect, then that is what you do for now. Always be who you are, Nick, it’s really important. Don’t do something unless you really want to. It’s also perfect because Nick, I so want you inside of me.”

 

Nick smiled hungrily and Eric smiled with a decadent expectancy. Eric was only two inches shorter at six foot two but he was still an incredibly big, solid and heavy man. Nick began to rub his hands over Eric’s naked body. His fingers rising and falling over all the muscles they encountered on their explorative journey. His touch was soft and yet firm and unbroken, as he allowed his tactile senses to truly experience like they never had before.

 

Eric was standing there, his mind a sexual maelstrom and his body and cock silently screaming in desperate frustration, all of which he was trying to control as he allowed Nick to do what he had never done.

 

“Oh god, Nick,” Eric said breathlessly.

 

Eric was amazed that the man in front of him was causing him to react like a virgin teenage boy. The truth was he was so hot for Nick and had wanted him for so long, now he was in this position he felt like he was being thrown into the deep end of a swimming pool before he knew how to swim. It almost would have seemed ludicrous, except that he understood it.

 

Nick looked at Eric the moment he heard his name rasp from his throat. He could see how affected Eric was from his touch and when he looked into his eyes, he could also see how much he wanted him. Nick did not really understand why Eric would feel that way about him. He was obviously in love with his wife and apparently fucked men on a seemingly regular basis. Nick thought he had to be just another man Eric was going to have sex with and so Eric’s reaction to him and also the way he seemed to want him so desperately, struck Nick as curious.

 

Nick thought that maybe people were all just different. He finally supposed that it did not matter and that he should simply try to give Eric what he wanted and hopefully, they would both discover themselves to be happy and satisfied when it was over.

 

He wrapped his arm around Eric’s back, bent down and slid his other arm around his thighs and as a true show of his astonishing strength; Nick lifted the equally huge man off the ground and into his arms. Eric’s mouth fell open in stunned amazement but still he wrapped his arms around Nick, as he carried him into his bedroom and took him to his bed.

 

It seemed right to Eric when he considered what he wanted from Nick but it also seemed incongruous, when he considered that Nick had asked him to show him and teach him. The roles were wrong conceptually speaking but as Nick’s body gently lay like a massive and hot, crushing weight on top of him, Eric thought that no matter what was about to happen, he really did not care. Nick’s cock was already between his thighs and its huge fleshy crown, which while invisible, was touching the flesh pillows of his cheeks. It was kissing the door moistly but then Nick’s lips pressed and opened Eric’s mouth and as his tongue entered, Eric was ready for anything.

 

To be continued...