Chapter 10 

 

Eric was slouched back toward the corner of the couch quite comfortably but he was filled with disbelief. Nick had just completed the story about his encounter with Jack on Sunday and Eric was still coming to terms with the surprising nature of what he had learned. He would never have even contemplated Jack being with another man, considering how vilely homophobic he was. However, even though he was aware of all the details and how far Jack had been willing to go, Eric still could not quite believe what had happened.

 

Telling the story had been a new journey for Nick. For one thing, he was not used to opening up to anyone but in only a short time, not only had he come out to Eric but he had also told him something he generally would have considered a very private matter.

 

The varying facets of these changes Nick was experiencing were of both an intellectual and emotional nature. It was like an extreme sport; it excited him but it also unnerved him. It felt good to let light into the shadows but these realms had been silent and surreal for so long, talking about them seemed like disobeying a compulsory taboo. Additionally, while he initially found it difficult to speak easily and naturally, following coming out to Eric, Nick was beginning to feel a little more relaxed amidst the first blooms of his true nature. As a consequence and as the story progressed, Nick relaxed even more and his mind and words were set free like a spirit from the confines of a body.

 

Once he had completed the story and he thought back to the telling in retrospect, even though the graphic details had poured from him like clear liquid; after the fact, he was feeling vulnerable.

 

It was quite a strange feeling because he had not been required to be as specific as he had been but as he began to talk and open up, his personally prescribed parameters and limitations had dissolved. The feeling of being unshackled from caution or second-guessing his thoughts and words, transformed unconsciously, becoming like an addictive drug. He became high on release and it led him thoughtlessly.

 

Despite the car crash of an encounter with Jack, as Nick spoke to Eric, he was filled with a desire to shout out what it had been like and what he had seen, felt and done. The initial stages of a naked man in his grasp had been wonderful to him. Even his teenage fumbling had not come close to the adult feelings surrounding the sight, the touch and the wantonness. Twenty-seven years of shackles had been unexpectedly unlocked in a single afternoon.

 

Now, in these moments with Eric, Nick felt a desire to express everything. He felt a need to clarify and specify the experience that had been at his fingertips. He wanted to justify embracing his personal monster. It had all been so new to him and then telling someone about it, at least the good parts before the bad, had been like a breath of fresh air, a confirmation of self, as his truth flowed freely. Following that freedom, though, Nick was feeling embarrassed. The change in polarity as his thoughts and feelings swung back the other way was ironic.

 

Eric asked on noticing the uneasiness while realizing Nick had quieted, “Are you okay, Nick?”

 

“Eric, I feel weird after telling you that sort of information. I’ve never spoken so openly to someone like that before, not even about my general life, let alone with such detail or so graphically about a sexual encounter. I apologize if I went too far.”

 

“Nick, I wanted to know and what you told me was fine. As I told you, I have a very open mind so don’t worry because you didn’t offend me or shock me. To be honest, you never could surprise me with any sort of talk about sex.”

 

Nick exhaled and said, “Well that’s a relief.”

 

“Fuck, Nick that whole story was simply unbelievable,” he said for what must have been the twelfth time throughout the telling. The only difference was that now the story was over, he was referring to everything and not to specific details.

 

“I know, Eric. I still can’t believe the whole thing was a sham and his only intent was to receive a blowjob, amongst other things,” Nick said.

 

“Jack Dawson needs to be aggressively, well and truly fucked with a very big and very hard cock,” Eric replied, his low opinion of Jack being made with extremely negative sentiment.

 

“I don’t know about that, Eric. He looked like he was going to empty the contents of his stomach just from the thought.”

 

“I wasn’t referring to pleasuring him, Nick. He doesn’t deserve to be pleasured. Hot sex should be reserved for the select, while being denied to all jerks and particularly assholes like Jack Dawson.”

 

“Maybe,” Nick said.

 

At that moment, Nick knew he did not care about Jack or what he needed. All he was certain of where Jack was concerned was that he did not want to know him. He could not understand people who were so selfish and did not care how they treated others. Nick could not grasp using someone regardless of the consequences. It seemed so cruel and despite that he had not verbalized it, Nick had been truly hurt by what Jack had done. He knew it was why he kept feeling angry every time he thought about Jack.

 

“You know, Eric, maybe I was gullible or maybe I was too caught up in my limitations but I’m awake now and I’m glad I stopped the encounter before it reached a natural conclusion,” Nick said.

 

Eric nodded with understanding but as his mind returned to the varying facets of the story, he shook his head and said, “I still can’t get over your awesome one liner on departure.”

 

“I wish I’d said what I was going to say but decided not to,” Nick said.

 

Eric asked, “What were you going to say?”

 

“Well, about a month ago I watched a funny, old movie. It had a line in it that stuck in my head. I told you Jack kept exaggerating in reference to his size. He kept saying this big cock or my big cock. Though I really don’t particularly care about size, by the time I was beginning to realize what was going on; as I’ve also told you, he said you know you want this cock. I was angry and it really got on my nerves. The line from the movie popped into my head for an obvious reason and I wanted to adapt it and use it on Jack. I swear I was about to say, “that’s not a cock, this is a cock” and pull mine out of my shorts just to shut him up.”

 

“That’s not a knife from Crocodile Dundee,” Eric said and then roared with laughter. “How big is he? Katie told Michelle he had a tiny dick.”

 

Nick asked and snickered at the same time, “Did she?”

 

“Yeah. Before Katie got involved with Jack she was Michelle’s best friend. Michelle really doesn’t like Jack and so when she told Katie she was making a mistake, Katie got angry with her and they’ve barely spoken in a year. Anyway, when she and Jack broke up on Sunday, the first person Katie called was Michelle and she swallowed her pride and apologized for not listening to Michelle in the first place, before telling her what had happened,” Eric explained.

 

Nick’s eyes opened in shock and absolute disbelief. Eric’s facial expression revealed a realization of what was going through Nick’s head.

 

“I know what you’re thinking, Nick. I wanted to say something while you were telling me the story but I didn’t want to upset you anymore than you already were and I also didn’t want to interrupt you.”

 

“Eric, he made me think that he and Katie had broken up some time ago. To be honest, I assumed it had been a week or even a month previously but I didn’t realize that it was on the same day. Jesus, what a fucking asshole,” Nick said, his voice filled with indignation.

 

“You’re preaching to the converted, Nick, although, I was thinking the same thing about Jack when you mentioned it innocently in your story. I told you Jack is an absolute prick,” Eric said and Nick nodded.

 

“Well anyway, getting back to your question, you’ve seen Jack in the locker room. Flaccid, he looks about average so it looks normal but when he gets hard it isn’t that much longer or thicker. Honestly, I didn’t care but he was pissing me off so much I felt like playing an Ace. I know it doesn’t matter now but there’s a small part of me that regrets not saying it,” Nick said.

 

Eric’s imagination took flight and he began to laugh. He knew Nick was well endowed but though he did not know his size with an erection, still he imagined Nick pulling out his big cock and saying the line to Jack. He burst into laughter again. When he finally settled his laughter, he turned to Nick and told him he should have said it just to see the look on Jack’s face. He then looked at Nick curiously and asked him why he decided not to?

 

“I really didn’t see the point. The guy’s head is so far up his own ass that anything else would be flotsam, Nick clarified and Eric nodded.

 

“Okay but enough of all that. We now have to work out exactly how to deal with this and get the team on side without letting them know your private business,” Eric said.

 

Nick replied, “Maybe we don’t?”

 

Eric looked at Nick curiously and asked, “What else did you have in mind?”

 

“The truth. Who knows, maybe the other guys will be as open as you were in regard to my sexual abnormality.”

 

Eric’s head lifted harshly and his eyes were sharp. Unexpected outrage filled his voice when he said, “It’s not an abnormality, Nick. A guy being attracted to a guy is perfectly normal, wanting to suck cock is perfectly normal and enjoying being fucked is perfectly normal as well. Don’t ever let me hear you refer to alternative sexualities as abnormal again.”

 

Nick’s whole face transformed to a look of utter disbelief. Eric sounded so offended and the tone of his voice was pissed off and aggressive. Nick’s body language clearly showed him pulling back about an inch while his entire body stiffened. He felt threatened but also ignorant.

 

“I’m sorry, Eric,” he said uncomfortably.

 

Eric saw the shock in Nick’s eyes as he heard the unsettled apology. He knew instantly his reaction had been over the top but he did not understand how a gay man could even contemplate saying such a thing.

 

“No, it’s me who should apologize and it’s okay,” he said, indirectly retracting out of guilt, as he saw the discomfort in Nick’s eyes.

 

“I guess it was a thoughtless thing to say now that I think about it but shouldn’t it be me getting pissed off with that sort of remark?”

 

“Not everything is about you. Look Nick, I’m sorry for getting amped up but you touched a sore spot. I would’ve thought a gay man would know better?”

 

“Eric, you’re forgetting that you’re the first person I’ve actually come out to. What you don’t know is that I’m still ignorant where all of this is concerned. Maybe there are nuances, etiquettes and social expectations regarding how a gay man should express himself but apart from wanting love and sex with a man, I don’t know what it means to be gay and I don’t know about being gay. I’ve never even met another gay person. I’m only just beginning to find and be myself, so cut me some slack, would you?”

 

Eric did not truly grasp the depth or the reality of what Nick was saying to him. He perceived Nick’s words as a dramatic response to coming out. He knew and understood the intensity of how a gay person or even a bisexual person felt, during the surrounding time when they left the closet. So often their words and actions were dramatic because it was an upheaval of consciousness. The truth was, there was so much about Nick he did not yet know and so he was still relating to him like he would relate to any other gay man. He did not know how far off the beaten track he was required to go, to truly understand the man sitting beside him.

 

“Shit, Nick. You tried to tell me that before but I got so caught up in the knowledge that Jack knew about you and so I totally missed the point. I’m sorry, Nick. You see I just sort of assumed that you didn’t want certain people to know but you’re actually telling me that no one, not a soul, other than Jack and myself, know that you’re gay,” Eric said clarifying but more for his own benefit.

 

“Yes that’s exactly what I’m telling you,” Nick said and then continued, “Eric, I haven’t even…” he trailed off self-consciously.

 

Eric was stunned as he made the immediate presumption that Nick was about to say he was a virgin. Not that virginity suggested or presumed any specific lack of knowledge or experience base, other than where sex was concerned, however, with everything he was learning about Nick and also how odd and innocent he seemed at times, it somehow seemed to make sense or make things clearer where Nick was concerned.

 

“Shit, Nick, sorry. Um, I mean, aw shit, do I feel like the asshole now.”

 

Individual ignorance had now crept between the two men. Their minds were now in different places and thinking different things, even though they thought they were on the same track. Nick simply thought being so open about personal details was disturbing Eric, despite what Eric had said to the contrary.

 

“No, look, don’t feel bad. I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I may have been open with you about Jack but I’m uncertain how to talk about this with someone. I’ve been having a hard enough time dealing with who I am, let alone speaking about it seriously and openly.”

 

“Nick, I understand but man, when you said you were only coming out of the closet, I didn’t realize you’d never, I mean, fuck, no wonder Mr Pretty boy was the first to catch your attention,” Eric said.

 

Nick asked, confused, “What do you mean?”

 

Eric was once again locked into his own thoughts and his mind did not even register Nick’s question. He was suddenly thinking that he might be able to use this as a way to get Nick into bed while also helping him out of his virginity.

 

“Nick, I think I have to tell you something else.”

 

Nick sighed and said, “Oh no, don’t tell me there’s more about Jack I’m unaware of?”

 

“No, Nick. I told you everything. What I want to tell you is about me.”

 

Nick looked bewildered. Their conversation suddenly seemed to be jagged and popping around all over the place and he started wondering exactly where it was going to go to next.

 

“Okay Eric, what is it?”

 

“Nick, I’m an active bisexual man and that’s why I reacted the way I did when you said sexual abnormality.”

 

Nick’s eyes opened wide with surprise. Even though he knew the literal definition of the word bisexual, he really had no idea about the lifestyle or what it entailed. In fact, he had not even considered bisexuality was a lifestyle, as much as he thought it was a random choice and occurrence. He knew he was ignorant about a lot of things but he really had no idea just how far his ignorance extended. He also had no idea how his next questions were going to sound to Eric.

 

“But you’re married? What about Michelle? Does she know?”

 

“Yeah she knows, Nick. Michelle doesn’t mind crossing those boundaries either. She’s bisexual as well. Shit Nick, you sound as if you couldn’t imagine a guy that was bisexual could get married. Even the ones whose wives don’t know are still on the down-low,” he said, wondering if Nick could be as ignorant as he sounded.

 

Nick asked, “On the what?”

 

“On the down-low,” Eric repeated.

 

Nick said, “What in hell does that mean?”

 

Eric’s eyes once again showed surprise but he dismissed it as yet another odd lack of knowledge. He took a breath and began to explain, “As a generality, it means to do something on the quiet but where bisexuals are concerned, it means to have gay sex in secret and to not let anyone know. In many cases a guy on the down-low will deny it vehemently. In essence, in some cases anyway, a man, whether he is gay or bisexual, will pretend to be one hundred percent straight, never admit to any thought to the contrary and will continue to live a life that is a façade to his deep desires and feelings, all while still having sex with men in secret. Man, surely you’re not that naïve, Nick? I would have thought you would at least know about things like this, even in your circumstances?”

 

Nick was looking confused but also quite uncomfortable when he asked, “What do you mean in my circumstances?”

 

“I mean that you haven’t done anything,” Eric replied.

 

“What? Wait! Eric, I think we may have jumped ahead too quickly. Let’s just take a few steps back. Did you think what I was going to say before was that I had never had sex?”

 

Eric’s expression changed dramatically before he asked, “Wasn’t it?”

 

“No, it wasn’t,” he replied but he was feeling even more uncomfortable after being called naïve. It embarrassed Nick and so with uncertainty he hedged around what he wanted to say, building up to it.

 

“Eric, I’ve been running away from this knowledge about myself since I was an adolescent. I’d been having sex with women from the time I turned seventeen and then last year, something happened that turned everything around and now I’m beginning to open up to the man I truly am. I want to come out and I want to have sex with guys and fall in love and everything that goes along with it,” Nick partially explained.

 

Eric asked, “What happened a year ago?”

 

“Something that I never could have imagined even went on in life,” Nick replied.

 

Eric asked, “Like what?”

 

“I don’t know if you’d want to know the details,” Nick said.

 

“Nick, actually the more you tell me, the more I’m guessing I know more about all of this than you do. I think you’re the one in this room that has a lot to learn. Did you stumble onto a beat or something?”

 

Nick looked blankly at Eric and said, “Onto a what?”

 

“Oh Nick,” Eric said, shaking his head. Have you ever heard of police walking a beat?”

 

“Yeah, I’ve heard that in movies,” Nick replied.

 

“Right, well, a beat is a place where someone goes repetitively. It’s also the terminology of a place where men go to have sex with each other,” he explained.

 

Nick asked, “Like a toilet block?”

 

Eric smiled and said, “Yes, exactly. So I assume that was what happened?”

 

“Yes and I’ve gone back a few times but I’ve never had sex with a guy I’ve actually seen. Eric, that was what I was going to say that confused you. Man, I’m twenty-seven and I’m gay and I’ve never even seen the face of a guy I’ve had sex with, just his cock poking through a hole in a wall. Well that is until yesterday with Jack but as I just told you, even that didn’t work out. I’m so out of touch and so at a loss and I just don’t know how to go about all of this stuff. It’s like a mountain in my path that I’m afraid to climb. It probably sounds really pathetic to you because it sounds pathetic to me but Eric, please know just being able to talk to you like this is beginning to make it a little easier for me.”

 

Eric’s eyes filled with realization, as a little more understanding occurred to him. His heart went out to Nick. He sat forward and put his arm around Nick’s shoulders and he gave him a warm and considerate side-to-side hug. He was suddenly starting to get a better picture of where Nick was at and what he was dealing with.

 

“I know how alone you feel and I know you feel like you’re the only one in the world but Nick, you’re one of literally thousands of gay or bisexual males who are afraid to express themselves openly and honestly. Each story, though it is unique unto itself, is the same in one way or another. Nick, you’re not alone and I’m going to be here for you from now on and as much as you need me to be. You can talk to me about any of this whenever you want and I don’t want you to feel or be embarrassed about any subject. Even if you want to talk about sucking some guy’s big cock because let me tell you, I will have already talked about it and I will have already done it,” Eric said.

 

Nick looked at Eric amazed. Even though he had told him he was bisexual, he had not considered or even imagined that Eric would suck a man’s cock. He was trying to wrap his mind around everything but now he was also filled with rising emotions from the way Eric was sensitively consoling him.

 

“Nick, buddy, I’m here for you,” Eric said and as much as he was attracted to Nick and as much as he wanted to bed him, he said it with complete sincerity.

 

Eric watched as a mass of relief and emotion rose up and dumped Nick like a wave. There was no way he could have known how the words, “I’m here for you,” would affect Nick or make him feel like he was not completely alone. Eric watched as Nick turned and looked at him, his eyes welling with tears that he was trying not to allow to break free. Eric pulled him into his arms and held him; a trigger that pushed Nick the final inch, while Eric embraced him through his perfectly natural release.

 

It was a little unsettling initially to see Nick in the state he was in. Eric had no problem with seeing a man emotionally overwhelmed but he had only known Nick as a destructive force on field, a controlled and determined personality and also a powerhouse of strength and masculinity. He had additionally only just discovered that Nick was involved in street fighting, which was something he associated with raw and aggressive maleness. Suddenly he was privy to the side of a man that almost seemed alien. He now understood why Michelle had referred to Nick as soft and genuine. It seemed to make Nick more real to him and more three-dimensional as well but it now made Nick even more attractive to Eric than ever before.

 

There was a whole lot more going on than met the eye, though. Eric assumed it was the complex issue of coming out and also the fact that Nick was a man doing it much later than usual. The thing was, though, Nick’s emotional reaction had little to do with coming out or when he was doing it and far more to do with Eric treating him like he was important. It was the human connection that scared the hell out of Nick but one that he desperately wanted.

 

Nick finally raised his head from Eric’s shoulder and as he wiped a smear of moisture from beneath his eyes, he apologized for his emotional reaction and then suggested another coffee. He stood and walked toward the kitchen.

 

“Don’t you dare apologize to me for being human,” Eric said, as he stood and followed Nick.

 

As Nick stood stirring the fresh mugs of coffee, Eric stood leaning against the kitchen counter looking at him. He had wanted Nick for four years but had always believed that Nick was the epitome of straight. Even though Nick could make Eric burn with desire, he thought as a consequence of believing he could not have Nick, he always wanted him more than any other man. Now that he knew Nick was gay and he had learned more about him, Eric’s desire and attraction to Nick had exploded. He was so attracted to Nick that at that moment, he had an erection from just looking at him.

 

For the first time in his life, Eric was looking at a man while experiencing his sexuality, in a way that was not specifically sexual. He now thought Nick was not just physically incredible but that he was emotionally compelling as well. He was feeling drawn to Nick. In Eric’s mind, Nick seemed multidimensional and rare. However, as much as he wanted him, he had already decided that he should be his friend and help him through the tough times. He considered he should take him out and introduce him to the gay world. He thought that maybe the opportunity of hooking up with Nick would still arise at some point down the road but until then, Eric believed that Nick needed a friend and not some asshole only interested in busting a nut.

 

“Thank you,” Nick said suddenly and quietly, as the spoon tinkled against the mug.

 

Eric looked surprised and asked, “For what?”

 

“For being you, Eric. For being prepared to help and for being willing to be my friend,” Nick clarified.

 

“Well I can’t be anyone but myself, wanting to help you requires no preparation and I’d be honored not only to call you my friend but to know that you would call me yours. Knowing how distant you’ve been from everyone for all these years, the fact you were willing to open up to me above all others, well, let’s just say that’s a serious tip of the hat in my direction. It’s a compliment Nick and that makes me feel good about myself.”

 

“With that answer alone, Eric, there is no reason why you shouldn’t feel good about yourself. You’re a nice guy and a great guy and I’m guessing with certainty that Michelle knows she is a very lucky woman. I suspect you’re what is referred to as a hot catch.”

 

“You keep talking like that to me and I’ll come over there and rape you, Nick. Let me tell you, you my friend are a prime catch and if I had the opportunity, I would kneel before you in a split second,” Eric replied.

 

“Shit, Eric, if you weren’t married to Michelle, I’d be tempted to cross that line right now,” Nick said and Eric’s eyes opened wider. He thought that there was an opportunity and he could still kill two birds with one stone but as he went to open his mouth to speak, Nick spoke first.

 

Nick said, “I’m still very curious about bisexuality and marriage?”

 

“Nick, please don’t be embarrassed by this but it amazes me that a man of your age, in this day and age, could be so sheltered but even more so, so unaware and incognizant as to what is going on in the world sexually. Nick, don’t you have a computer?”

 

“I wouldn’t know how to use one,” he replied.

 

Eric looked at him as if Godzilla was truly emerging from the sea. “Don’t you watch television?”

 

“I do now but for years my life was about my life and I didn’t give a fuck about the rest of the world or what all of you were getting up to. As far as I was concerned, you all had it good and I was served a platter of shit,” Nick said and looked down at the floor.

 

“Nick, I’m sorry but I don’t know what you’re referring to or what you’re talking about,” Eric said, looking confused.

 

Nick nodded and handed Eric his coffee. “Let’s go back to the couch and I’ll fill you in. It might be a bit of a long story, though,” he added.

 

“Nick, I told you, I’m on vacation, Michelle is not expecting me and I can stay here all night with you if you’d like,” Eric offered hopefully.

 

“Well let’s just see where all of this leads but you also have to answer my questions, Eric, which you have conveniently avoided twice now.”

 

“Honestly, I wasn’t avoiding and I will answer anything you ask me, Nick. It’s just that we’re dealing with so much new information and we’ve been jumping around so much that I’ve been getting sidetracked.”

 

“Okay, then let’s go and sit down and get comfortable. I think we have some territory to cover,” Nick said and as they left the kitchen, he was thinking how good it felt to finally have someone to talk to, to feel he could trust and also, maybe someone that he would now be able to call his friend.

 

To be continued...