Chapter 10
Validation

 

Eli ended his phone call while alighting the bus at the final stop before Oxford Street concluded and Liverpool Street began. Turning and crossing the road, he began the walk, which would lead him to his arranged destination to meet his mate, Steve.

 

As he moved along College Street he became intensely aware of the smile that was glued to his face. He probably would not have even noticed if it were not for the fact that the small muscles around his mouth began to hurt. He had not smiled continuously since before Ben’s death and now he had been smiling for well over an hour. He lightly massaged around his mouth with two fingers and a thumb but the fact this action was even required, only amused him and he began to smile again.

 

Since leaving Dane’s home, which was soon to be his home as well, for the entire bus ride and now as he was walking, Eli was consciously aware he had a semi in his shorts. He knew it was because he could not stop thinking about the sex between he and Dane, after he had agreed to move in with him. It had been normal sex, the likes of which he had not had since Ben.

 

The sex that morning had not been a tempest of passion and physicality but it also had not been like two men making deeply, emotional love. Both Eli and Dane had reached a point of being so hard and horny that Dane had simply lifted his legs and told Eli to fuck him. It was unworthy of gay erotica and unworthy of a romantic novel, however, it was still filled with desire and sensuality, as well as two men’s eyes locked on each other and filled with need. Sexually, the act was so off the beaten track of the last five years, Eli found something exceptional within its simplicity. It gave Eli hope and a greater confidence that what he and Dane were beginning, could be normal, could work and could last.

 

Afterwards they had gone to shower and there had been an extended period of time where they simply stood in a warm embrace. They both once again had bursting erections but apart from the odd push and grind, they just stood wrapped around each other, close and warm and intimate. At the time it had seemed to Eli as if someone had turned out the lights, turned down the sound and transported them onto a barren, alien world of mist and steam and water and silence. He had felt so separated from the world and yet, alone with Dane he discovered himself wishing it would never end.

 

While they were towelling their bodies dry, Eli suddenly remembered his van was still parked down on Mrs Macquarie’s Road. He suspected he would have a parking ticket but though that mattered little to him, he was worried about the contents in the back. It was important to Eli he returned to his van and disposed of the goods. It occurred to him that he had several things he had to do if he was going to make this change. He knew he had to do these things alone and he wondered how Dane would react to his need to leave.

 

“Dane, I need to attend to some business before it gets any later.”

 

Facing away from Eli, Dane’s expression changed instantly, as he wondered if this was it. Would Eli vanish the moment he left? Would he never see him again? Dane scolded himself immediately and told himself he had to trust Eli. Even if the worse did occur, it was no excuse to embrace fear and doubt and he knew it was another part of being realistic and an adult.

 

The statement Eli had made also contained a tone of apprehensiveness. Dane heard the tone and he knew that regardless of the truth behind Eli’s words, Eli was worried how he would react. Following all he had learned about himself the night before, Dane wanted to change and to be a better person. He could feel the standard distrust within and so he knew his response had to be different.

 

Turning around, he looked at Eli still naked while still sporting his bone-hard cock. Dane reached out and grabbed Eli’s erection. He pulled him towards him with it and then he kissed him heatedly before stepping away.

 

“There are no bars on the windows or doors. You’re free to come and go as you please. You don’t have to report to me or tell me anything you don’t want to. I trust you, Eli and I trust I’ll see you later.”

 

Eli looked at Dane and he could barely hide his surprised expression. He had wondered how Dane would respond. Though it was not a test in any shape or form, Eli felt that Dane had passed with flying colours regardless. He reached out and grabbed Dane by the shoulder and pulled him back to him.

 

“I know that couldn’t have been easy for you but thank you for trusting me. I want you to trust me, Dane. I want things to start off on the right note. I don’t want to have secrets from you and I want to tell you everything. I’ll answer any questions you may have about me when I get back but I need to get some things done and I want them done today. I want to put everything behind me and so time is an issue. I’ll be back and you have my word because there’s nowhere else I want to be and there’s no one else I want to be with but you.”

 

Eli stopped at the pedestrian crossing at the corner of College and William Streets and then looked up at the sky. It was so blue and the weather was so warm and he imagined that all the people around him were smiling. They were not of course but to Eli it seemed rational that everyone in the entire world should be feeling as good as he did. The lights changed and it was only the movement of the people around him that brought his attention back. He crossed the road and continued forward toward his destination.

 

***

 

Following Eli’s departure, Dane had sat alone drinking a cup of coffee at the breakfast bar in the kitchen. He now believed Eli would be back in the late afternoon or early evening but suddenly he felt so alone. He was really missing Eli already and he kept thinking that he was really excited about getting to know Eli. He imagined feeling a connection with Eli, which he had so often seen other men, other lovers, have with each other.

 

Due to this out of the ordinary feeling found in Eli’s absence and the subsequent feeling of being alone, Jerry suddenly popped into Dane’s mind. The way Jerry was with his boyfriend Robert was exactly the way Dane wanted to be with Eli. The thought of Jerry made Dane realise how excited he was to reveal these strange yet satisfying events, which were taking place in his life so suddenly and unexpectedly. Now that Daniel was gone, there was no one else that Dane trusted as much as Jerry and so he decided to head over for a visit.

 

While driving the few minutes to Jerry’s place, Dane suddenly thought that Eli was going to need a key to the house. He instantly made a detour and drove to the nearest shopping centre to have a new key cut for Eli. While he stood waiting for his key to be copied, Dane felt a pang of uncertainty about what he was doing.

 

“What if Eli doesn’t come back? What if we don’t work out? Maybe getting a key cut this early is a little rash.”

 

The thoughtful questions stopped abruptly however, when all he could think was how much he wanted this and how much he wanted it to work. The picture of Eli in his head was enough to halt his doubts. The unexpected, growing erection, which occurred from the handsome picture in his mind, also had an additional hand in his deliverance back to positive thinking.

 

When the door opened, the older man stood casually but with good posture, a pair of slimline, metal rimmed, reading glasses halfway down his nose, a hardcover book in his hand with a finger between the pages keeping his place and also, a very large and sincere smile on his face. He was a man of average height and weight, his hair beginning to grey but he was still a handsome man despite that at forty-seven, age was now beginning to creep up on him.

 

“Dane? What a nice surprise. Come in, please.”

 

“Thanks Jerry,” Dane said, as he stepped through the doorway and moved to the side of his very good friend.

 

“So to what do I owe the pleasure of your unexpected company?”

 

“I’ve been reliving the day you stole my cherry against my will and decided to come back for a second taste,” Dane said, as seriously as he could.

 

“Oh really. Well, Dane, I have a new rule, which states that whenever a person falls into a sewer, they should be certain they’re aware of where they’re going so they never sully themselves again,” Jerry replied with equal seriousness.

 

Dane took a step closer, leaned forward and smelled Jerry and as he stood up straight, he looked him in the eye and said, “It’s hard to wash away an ingrained stench.”

 

Jerry’s hand swung toward the side of Dane’s head but Dane ducked and moved back before releasing a large belly laugh.

 

“Maybe I should fuck you again just so I can punish you for disrespecting your elders,” Jerry said.

 

Dane smiled but said, “Truthfully, Jerry, I hadn’t seen you since the funeral and I just had an urge to come and say hi and see how you are.”

 

Jerry smiled at Dane again but even though he knew that Dane was prone to showing up unexpectedly, he swiftly noticed a distance in Dane’s eyes that suggested there was another reason for the visit.

 

Jerry offered, “Would you like a coffee?”

 

“Only if you’re having one. Honestly, I only just finished one before I left home.”

 

“Well, everyone knows coffee is your number one vice so how about we have one anyway.”

 

“Sure,” Dane replied.

 

Jerry stepped passed Dane, squeezing his shoulder warmly and as he headed for the kitchen, Dane followed.

 

“Actually, I don’t know if coffee is still my number one vice? Not anymore, anyway,” Dane said offhandedly with an amused tone.

 

Jerry looked back over his shoulder and said; “Now that sounds intriguing. Have a seat and tell me what’s going on.”

 

Dane asked, referring to Jerry’s boyfriend’s location, “Where’s Robert?”

 

“He’s gone to Darlinghurst to the Oxford Bookshop. He said he needed some sexually explicit reading material to give him some new ideas,” Jerry replied while rolling his eyes dubiously.

 

Dane queried, “You don’t believe that’s where he’s gone?”

 

“Oh no. That’s exactly where he’s gone but that reason he gave was just a dig at me.”

 

“Why would he want to do that? Are things not good for the two of you in the sex department?”

 

“To the contrary, the sex between us has always been exemplary. He just likes to try to put doubt into my mind on occasion. It’s all part of his endearing insecurity but I know it’s bullshit because I still haven’t lost any of my expertise in that department and I can still blow his mind every time.”

 

“So you’ve picked up new skills since you fucked me seven years ago?”

 

Jerry’s head swung around and looked at Dane with contempt, only to be greeted by an extremely bemused expression on his face. Jerry smiled almost immediately because he knew Dane had caught him off guard and got the reaction he had wanted. It amused Jerry but it also pissed him off a little that Dane was capable of doing it.

 

“You’re a smart arse Dane but I’ll give you points for quick wit. However, I suspect you’re putting off the inevitable conversation we’re about to have, so now you’ve got your gold star, start talking.”

 

***

 

As Eli strolled along the footpath beside the road, he was looking at the huge space of green grass known as the Domain. People were sitting eating lunch, an amateur football match was being played between a bunch of guys that were picnicking with family and friends and here and there, lovers were ambling about arm-in-arm without destination.

 

Eli glanced ahead of his position and on the other side of the road that ran between, a huge number of people were queued to enter into the Art Gallery of New South Wales. People were going about life without a care in the world, at least it seemed that way. This notion jogged a realisation within that it had been a very long time since he had felt that way, the way he did now. He knew he still had things to sort out and that he was not particularly looking forward to the tasks but he also believed that after today, everything would finally be different.

 

As naturally as the wind passing through the branches of trees, Eli’s mind again returned to Dane. He wished he did not have to do what he was doing and that instead he was still in Dane’s company. He looked at his watch and he found it difficult to believe that in around four hours, he would have known Dane for twenty-four hours. It already seemed like days and emotionally it felt like weeks if not months. It seemed inexplicable that he could have such strong feelings for a man he did not really know but it also seemed somehow natural, as if the planets had aligned and all the pieces were exactly where they should be.

 

As these thoughts occurred, Ben popped into his mind, as he crossed the bridge that ran over the freeway, which sliced along one edge of the Botanical Gardens. Eli wondered if there was a life after death and if so, was Ben watching and did he know. He felt a strange twinge of guilt.

 

“I still love you baby but please forgive me and know that it’s time I moved on.”

 

Eli wiped a single gathering of a small tear from the corner of his eye and he felt instantly released. It was as if a cool breeze found a way inside his body and ran throughout it. The refreshing coolness faded and his standard body heat returned. Though he did not really believe in something higher or a place that came after, still it did not stop him from wanting to believe that Ben had told him it was okay.

 

As he continued walking, Eli turned and glanced to his left and there stood the National Herbarium. He had never seen it before and had not even known where it was. Only that morning Dane had told him it was part of the Botanical Gardens and that he worked there. Eli realised that in all the times he had walked along this road, he had never even glanced in the direction of the building. He stopped in his tracks and stared toward it. Once again his mind moved back to Dane and once again Eli began to smile. He was even more aware that Dane touched his heart the way Ben once did and it made him feel a sense of contentment. His eyes rolled with a sense of disbelief and he walked on.

 

***

 

“Come on, Dane, you’ve been sitting there in silence and staring out the window and twisting that single key in your fingers for five minutes. If you wanted silence you would’ve stayed at home. You wanted to talk to me, so talk. Spit it out - I’m desperate to know,” Jerry said.

 

Dane said while feigning ignorance, “Desperate to know what?”

 

“Dane, I may be getting on in years but I’m not a geriatric suffering from dementia. I’m still actually quite a smart man and it’s obvious that you have something on your mind, so enough of the bullshit and let’s get down to the substance of whatever it is.”

 

“I’m sorry Jerry but I’m in unexplored territory and I feel uncertain.”

 

“Well let me get you started with a question. What’s the crux of what you wanted to talk to me about?”

 

“I’ve met someone,” Dane said.

 

“I knew it,” Jerry replied.

 

“It isn’t normal, though,” Dane said.

 

“Go on,” Jerry directed.

 

“I think I might be falling in love but that can’t be and it’d be wrong.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“I only met him yesterday.”

 

“Why should that matter?”

 

“It’s too fast and I don’t know him,” Dane replied.

 

“So? You’ll get to know him and it’ll either work or it won’t. Dane, stop trying to control everything. You can’t control anything and you need to learn that lesson. Life is what it is and it gives you what it gives you. You take it and make the best of it. You try to mould each situation like clay and shape it into what you desire but you still have to accept it for what it is. You hope to God life gives you something worthwhile that can make you happy. There’s little more to it,” Jerry said.

 

“Yeah, Jerry, I know that now. It’s sort of a part of it. Eli - that’s his name - caused me to see things differently for the first time. He shook my unreachable tower until I fell out of the window. I didn’t even know I was in that fucking tower, even though you’d tried to tell me. Eli’s influence on me made me see that I wasn’t in love with Daniel. He introduced me to reality by slapping me in the face with it. Jerry, I know now what an idiot I’ve been. I understand what you’ve been trying to tell me all these years and it’s all because of Eli.”

 

“Well, I’d say that’s a good thing. So what’s the problem then?”

 

“There’s no problem, except those of my own making,” Dane replied.

 

While rolling his eyes, Jerry chuckled and said, “Nothing new about that!”

 

“I feel like I’ve dived from the highest cliff in the world and I still haven’t reached the surface of the water. I’m scared shitless about breaking the surface and finding only jagged rocks beneath it. At the same time there isn’t anything I want to do more right now, then to swim the depths with Eli. I want to go all the way, as deep as possible and I want to discover what I’ll find when I rise out of the depths for air.”

 

“That’s almost poetic,” Jerry said and laughed but Dane seemed not to hear him.

 

“Jerry, I’m so far out of my comfort zone right now and every time I even think about going back into it, I struggle to stay outside because I don’t want to go back in but still it lures me with its safety.”

 

“Hence the reason they’re called comfort zones,” Jerry said.

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

“Sounds to me like you’re in the best and most productive place you could be right now. You know, Dane, years ago a guy I really cared about would often revisit the same example. He used to say that when people started a new job that was foreign to what they were used to doing, there was a varying period of time to begin with, when it was natural to feel flustered and uncomfortable with the unknown tasks at hand. He said it was the time when a person felt out of place and like they just couldn’t do the new job. He said that people reached a point where they would either choose to quit and run or they would choose to stay and struggle forward. He said the difficulty lasted for a few days or maybe even a few weeks to a month but then afterwards, if that time was seen to its conclusion, on the other side was ease with either satisfaction or routine boredom. Whatever the case, he suggested the beginning always held some form of personal struggle. He was referring to life through the personification of a new and different job. You just have to stick at it and see where it leads you, otherwise you’ll quit and never know if it was right or wrong for you.”

 

“He sounds like he was a simplistic yet clever man.”

 

“He was indeed but he was also one of the best people that ever entered my life.”

 

Dane asked, “Who was he?”

 

“A story for another time, Dane. Tell me about this Eli character who has captured your heart.”

 

***

 

Eli heard the beep of his phone and he pulled it from a small pocket on the inside of his shorts. He knew it was a text message and he pressed the button to reveal whatever it said. It was what he’d been waiting for since he called his friend from the bus.

 

“Eli,

I’m here and you’re not.

Where the fuck are you?

If you’ve wasted my time I’ll kill you.

Text me, Bud,

Steve.”

 

Boy Charlton Swimming pool was already in Eli’s vision. He was only about two minutes away and so he did not respond to the text. He continued along the footpath while looking down the steep grade at the pool that was situated on the harbour’s edge. It was packed and there were people everywhere; swimming, floating or sitting in the sun and baking their already brown bodies.

 

Steve called from just up ahead, “Eli!”

 

“Hey Bud,” Eli replied, as he walked toward Steve who was sitting on the grass with his back against a tree and looking down at the pool.

 

Steve was a man of twenty-eight years. He was tall and solid and quite a good-looking man. His face was a little drawn from his lifestyle, which was based on his work as a male prostitute. Drugs, alcohol and constant late nights, combined with an increasing clientele he had sex with each week, had already begun to show its physical effects on his features. He was also beginning to lose weight as the years passed by. Still he was a very hot man with a nice body, which was why he was sort after by many men to service their needs. Gay men or so-called straight men, Steve did not care and would fuck them all as long as they paid.

 

Steve asked, “Where’ve you been, mate? We were supposed to catch up last night.”

 

“Yeah, I know. Sorry about that Bud but I sort of got side tracked. It’s part of the reason I asked you to meet me here. As I told you on the phone, I need to talk to you about something and it’s really important. Well, it is to me,” Eli said.

 

Lowering his body onto the grass, Eli sat down next to the one person he had allowed to get close to him, during the last five years. They were not friends in the way people in general life considered a friend to be but Steve was definitely someone Eli trusted more than anyone.

 

Realistically, deep down, Eli knew that he really cared more for Steve than he admitted. Excluding Eli’s fear of the past and the pain it had brought to him, Steve was the only reason why Eli felt ending this part of his life was going to be hard. He knew that if he followed through with Dane, the chances were he would never see Steve again. Steve had been the one and only person who had been there for him regularly and with any degree of sincerity, since Ben had died. They really were friends, even though neither man would ever concede to the truth or depth of the connection. Eli knew Steve felt the same but due to their respective lives, they both had chosen to keep things detached. They were alike in that way and it seemed as if it were easier and less emotionally threatening.

 

Steve looked at Eli and his expression changed when he saw the look in Eli’s eyes. He squirmed a little uncomfortably and then turned his body to face Eli directly.

 

“Shit Mate, this looks serious. Are you okay?”

 

“Strangely, Steve, I’m better than okay but this, what I have to tell you, well, I don’t know how to do it and so I guess I’ll just have to come out with it and say it.”

 

“Fuck man, what is it?”

 

“Steve, you know how we always talk about maybe one day finding someone, leaving this life behind and starting over again?”

 

“No shit? You’ve met someone?”

 

“Yeah, I have and Bud, I want this and I want it badly. I need to walk away and to walk away completely. My life has to be swept clean for the guy I’ve met. He’s the one, Steve. He’s Ben, the second time around,” Eli said.

 

It was in that moment and with those words that had left his mouth, Eli realised what it was about Dane that had snared him. He was so much like Ben even though they were so different. Still he knew that it was a powerful reason for why Dane made him feel the way he did.

 

“Damn, Bud, you lucky son-of-a-bitch. Twice a winner in one lifetime, someone’s looking after you. Shit man, sorry, I mean no disrespect to what happen to Ben.”

 

“Yeah, Bud, I know and it’s cool. Look, the thing is that the boys are important and you know I’m loyal to all of you and especially you but Mate, Steve, this is a chance I can’t turn my back on. I know that most of the boys won’t really give a rat’s arse if I’m there or not. It isn’t like we’re some sort of tribal mob or something but you, Steve, I do care about you and I didn’t want you to hate me or think I was a prick and so I had to look you in the eye and tell you.”

 

Steve asked with a shocked tone of voice, “So you’re really doing this?”

 

“Yeah,” Eli replied, his voice resigned but his heart excited.

 

“You sure it is what you want and need?”

 

“Positive. Well almost,” Eli replied.

 

“That doesn’t sound too convincing,” Steve said while looking at Eli with uncertainty.

 

“Well I’m positive about the way I feel and I’m positive I want to try and make this work but it’s just that I only met him yesterday afternoon and he’s already asked me to move in with him.”

 

Steve said while looking back in complete disbelief, “He what?”

 

“I suppose that’s part of the reason why I’m uncertain. It seems too quick to me because we don’t really even know each other but at the same time, everything between us seems strangely perfect and it’s hard to ignore,” Eli explained.

 

“If you don’t know each other then maybe that’s why it seems perfect. What if he finds out about who you are and the life you’ve been living?”

 

“No, Steve, he’s already got some idea about that, well sort of and that isn’t an issue to him. In itself that blows me away about him but I trust him and I’ve already decided I’m going to tell him everything. He knows about practically everything personal I could tell him and it doesn’t seem to bother him,” Eli clarified.

 

“Are you shitting me? Mister I don’t tell anyone anything, has opened up to someone? It took two years before you even told me about Ben and I know nothing else about your former life. Mate, did you suffer a heavy bump to the head?”

 

Eli said, “I know it seems strange but I really do trust him, Steve. The problem is, isn’t it just wrong to move in with a guy and become boyfriends in under twenty-four hours? Isn’t it the most irrational thing a person could do?”

 

“It’s certainly not the norm. I mean, I’ve never known anyone to do that but then again, I suppose that means nothing. If you really are meant for each other, that is, if people are even meant for each other, then what should it matter. Look down there at the pool,” Steve said.

 

Eli asked as he stared at the water, “What about it?”

 

“See the diving blocks?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“See the little boy on the one right in the middle?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“He’s probably about four or five years old and he is about to dive into the middle of the pool at the deepest end. It’s the riskiest place for him to do it. Maybe he’s already a great swimmer but if he isn’t, he’s still about to do it and look, there he goes.”

 

“So what are you saying, Steve?”

 

“Maybe you should just dive into the deep end and see if you can swim.”

 

“What if it fucks up severely?”

 

“You drown. Look, Bud, you take that risk every time you take on a job and rip someone off. The only difference is you’re putting your freedom at risk to possibly land yourself in jail if it goes to shit. In this case, though, you’ll be putting your heart at risk. I suppose you just have to ask yourself if the guy is worth the risk and the effort,” Steve said.

 

“Yeah, you’re right. I have to admit, though, I’m scared shitless, Steve.”

 

“Goes with the territory.”

 

“How’d you get to be so wise, Steve?”

 

“By learning the hard questions to ask myself and thereby being able to give myself brilliant excuses not to do what you’re about to do, which is something I’d like to do but what I am too afraid to do,” Steve said and laughed loudly but Eli could hear the deep disappointment beneath the laughter.

 

Eli asked, “So do you think I should go for it?”

 

“I can’t answer that question and you know it. You have to decide for yourself. He must be one hell of a guy to draw you back from the dark side? No Star Wars reference intended, though, unless his name is Darth?”

 

“No, it’s Dane. He’s hot, he’s smart and he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. He isn’t perfect but then who is?”

 

“I am,” Steve said.

 

“Blow me, Steve,” Eli said and rolled his eyes.

 

“Great, now you offer when you know you won’t let me,” Steve quipped.

 

“Not even as a parting gift,” Eli said.

 

“Selfish prick. You’ve always known I’ve wanted that fat cock of yours.

 

“Steve, you want any and every cock you can get your mouth on. It’s one of the reasons why you became a gay prostitute. We both know at its crux, you’re just a whore for cock and arse. You get paid to do your favourite thing and suck cock day and night. So, why would I let myself become a boring statistic when I can be the one that got away and remain an unreachable star in your memory forever?”

 

“Get over yourself, Eli, I never really wanted you, I’ve just been feeding your ego,” Steve said and Eli laughed but then his eyes became earnest again.

 

“Seriously though, Steve, I understand you can’t answer the question for me but you don’t think it’s a bad idea, do you?”

 

“Well, from the look of you and the sound of you and from the little you’ve told me, I’d have to say no. I’d say go for it and good luck. Truthfully, you and I are the closest thing to friends that either of us has and from that standpoint alone, who would I be to stand in your way?”

 

Steve then leaned forward and gave Eli a tight bear hug, which Eli gave back in equal measure.

 

“I have to say I’m envious,” Steve said and then released Eli from his grip. After they parted Steve turned his gaze away and looked back down at the pool.

 

Eli reached out and let his hand fall onto Steve’s shoulder. He squeezed it warmly to let him know he understood and then let it go. Eli wished he could make it happen for Steve as well but he knew that was not the way life worked and also, he knew that though Steve wished for the long-term man, he was not willing to change his lifestyle to have it. The truth was Steve had long ago made his decision he would live, stay and die on the streets.

 

“There’s something else, Steve.”

 

“What?”

 

“I did a job yesterday and I want to give you the spoils. I should be able to get you a few extra bucks for it. It’s the sound system components of an entertainment system I acquired from a mansion at Watson’s Bay. The guy came home while I was there and he didn’t know what hit him.”

 

“Just like you to get caught and still walk out with the goods,” Steve said.

 

“I suppose I’ve been lucky on a couple occasions but luck runs out and so maybe what’s happening with Dane is a good thing.”

 

“Why don’t you get rid of it yourself and keep the money? It might help you get started with the new life,” Steve suggested.

 

“I may’ve been living what some would consider a down and out life but I’m not destitute.”

 

“You got a stash?”

 

“Yeah, just a little something I’ve been putting away in case,” Eli replied.

 

“Good for you, Bud.”

 

“So, you want it?”

 

“Sure,” Steve replied.

 

“Well, let’s get going then and we’ll make you some extra cash before I split.”

 

“Sounds good,” Steve said and then they stood up and started walking to Eli’s van.

 

Eli may have been closed off but he really cared about Steve and he also knew that despite the fact that they would react to what was happening like nothing was changing at all; still he was going to feel badly about leaving Steve behind in the old life and so he wanted to give him something to let him know how he felt. Eli did not feel obliged; he just wanted to show he cared.

 

Eli said as they walked, “Before we do this, I have to stop at the squat and pick up my knapsack. It’s got what little clothing I have and a few other personal items in it that I’m going to need. I also have to talk to the boys and explain.”

 

“Eli, we all left the squat late morning so who knows where any of the guys are going to be. Leave it to me and I’ll fill them in.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Bud, you were right. Unlike the way we looked out for each other over the last four years, they don’t really give a shit about anything but money and drugs and sex. Remember they’re younger than us and so certain values aren’t really defined as important to their reality on the streets. We may’ve all stood up for each other and we may’ve had each other’s backs but basically it’s all about individual agendas. They’ll question it and may even bitch about it but in a day or two they’ll have moved on.”

 

“Yeah, I guessed as much,” Eli replied.

 

Steve nodded and then they got into Eli’s van and headed for the squat before making their way to Eli’s guy at Potts Point.

 

***

 

“Jerry, the problem in my head is that because of my attitudes that I’ve had reinforced with titanium to avoid flexibility, the person that Eli is or was, is my real problem. He is so far removed from what I was willing to accept, I suppose. Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying, though. It isn’t Eli that’s the problem, it’s me,” Dane said, as he stared blindly out the window.

 

Jerry queried while looking confused, “Is or was?”

 

“It’s why this whole situation is so difficult for me to explain, let alone talk about. You see, Jerry, both Eli and I were two different people yesterday, by comparison to the people we are today. I mean sure we’re still who we are but yesterday I was a vague interpretation of a hairless Rapunzel and today I’m mister face your fears and do it anyway. In a similar way, yesterday Eli was an angry and frightened man and today he’s preparing to move in with me and change his life.”

 

Jerry said with the tone of a father ready to ground his teenage child, “What?” “You can’t be serious, Dane? You don’t just fuck a guy and then ask him to move in with you.”

 

“I know and that’s why I’m so unsettled about everything but Jerry, before you go all authority figure on me, there’s so much more to this situation then you know.”

 

“There’d have to be to make such a reckless decision. Dane, I’ve known you since you were sixteen. You’ve always been an idealist and too much of a romantic to ever be satisfied with what’s on offer. You embrace the bad ones with rose coloured glasses and you toss the good ones to the side without a reasonable excuse. You always make the wrong decisions when it comes to sex and love and it’s the reason that a good-looking guy with a great body, a guy with a good job and his own home, is alone. Dane, you’re one hell of a catch in every way except for love. I really don’t understand why you’re practical and rational in all other areas of your life but when it comes to this one, you’re devoid of reasoning and practical thought,” Jerry said and gave an irritated sigh.

 

Dane turned his gaze on Jerry and the anger in his eyes was obvious before he said, “Thanks for the analysis and also for not going all authority figure on me.”

 

“I’m sorry but someone has to say it and I’m the only person you seem to really listen to,” Jerry replied while shaking his head at Dane disapprovingly.

 

“Perhaps this time around you could swap seats with me and instead of judging me blindly, you could hear me out because honestly, Jerry, you don’t know the fucking details. I may be feeling uncertain but that’s to do with me, not with Eli. He’s what I’m certain about. I came to you because I wanted you to do your usual thing and to help me put my thoughts into perspective but until you hear my thoughts, you have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. Now, do you want to help me or not,” Dane said aggressively and finalised with an irritable huff, as he turned and looked back out the window.

 

Jerry stared at Dane’s profile with a look of surprise. He had never seen Dane get angry and he certainly had never been on the receiving end of it. He suddenly found himself questioning if he’d jumped the gun and he did not like the possibility that he’d just assumed that the story would always be the same, even if Dane had not changed in years.

 

“Dane, I’m sorry. I was pigeonholing you while believing you’d never change. It was wrong so please, tell me what you were going to tell me and I’ll keep my presumptuous mouth shut.”

 

“I don’t want you to not say anything, Jerry, I just want you to hear what I have to say and then give me your opinion on what I tell you. You also need to know that I’m doing this regardless of what you or anyone else thinks,” Dane said and then he held up the shining, new key to his home for Eli, in front of Jerry’s face.

 

Jerry’s eyes widened at the unusual change in the younger man looking back at him but strangely, Jerry also liked the assertiveness, the confidence and the over all difference.

 

“The stage is yours, Dane, tell me what’s on your mind.”

 

***

 

Eli left Steve sitting in the van while he raced into the squat. He grabbed the bag he needed, tossed what he no longer needed into a pile of junk and then moved quickly out into the backyard of the unused building. He squeezed into a small opening that gave access under the building and then he reached and shoved some old bricks and wood to the side. He retrieved a very large coffee can, which was tall and round and easily one hundred years old. He popped the lid to see that its contents were still there. Thousands of dollars in cash sat bundled tightly together but there was also a wallet that was filled with identification from his old life. There were also some photos of he and Ben and a single photo of his mother. Upon seeing that everything was as it was supposed to be, he replaced the lid and then struggled to jam the huge can into his knapsack.

 

After returning to Steve, they drove to the guy that bought Eli’s goods. Jasper was honest and reliable but he only dealt in high-end goods. Steve did not know Jasper and so Eli explained the situation he had with Jasper. When they arrived, he told Steve to wait in the van because Jasper did not take kindly to unknown faces.

 

Eli went in and told Jasper he was getting out for good and that this would be his final visit. He told Jasper what he had outside and the man was very interested. Eli returned to the van to get the equipment and then took it in and got paid far more than he expected. He put a grand in his pocket to go into the antique coffee can and then when he returned to the vehicle, he handed Steve two thousand dollars.

 

Steve said, “Shit?”

 

“Best pay day you’ve ever had and you didn’t even have to take it up the arse,” Eli said while laughing.

 

“Yeah Bud but it takes all the fun out of it,” Steve said.

 

“You’re a sex maniac, Steve,” Eli said with a roll of his eyes.

 

“We all have our addictions,” Steve replied.

 

“So that’s it. I’m done now and it was all as easy as pie.”

 

“Before you piss off for good to your new boyfriend, I know it’s a distance from Potts Point but any chance you could take me to Vaucluse? I’d like to spend some time with Paul,” Steve said.

 

“You still fucking him? I thought that was over a couple of months ago?”

 

“It was, Eli. Problem is he’s so hot and he kept calling me. Eventually I thought free sex with a hot, rich, twenty-two year old that can’t get enough of me, well, what can I say?”

 

“Sure, I get it. I have to admit he’s a nice guy and he really seems to like you. He also accepts what you do. Okay, Bud, it’s not a problem, let’s go.”

 

“Thanks, Eli.”

 

“Maybe Paul could be your Dane,” Eli said.

 

“It’s a nice thought, Eli. If anyone could be that for me, it would definitely be Paul. You’re right, he’s a great guy and he certainly does it for me like no one else but we both know what I’m like and we both know I don’t have it in me to let myself go to that place inside of me,” Steve replied.

 

Eli drove to Vaucluse and had to park some distance down the street from Paul’s home, due to some unfinished road repairs. He went inside with Steve for a few minutes to say high to Paul but when he suddenly became a ghost as Paul began to crawl all over Steve, Eli got up and left. The truth was the two men together, made Eli think of Dane. As a consequence, he wanted to get back to him and crawl all over him in the same manner. He gave Steve and extended hug and they said goodbye, both knowing without saying a word that they may never see each other again. Buried emotion was not unusual for either man and so they parted and minutes later, Eli was walking down the road toward his van.

 

***

 

“So that’s it. There was something else but it’s very personal and I don’t feel like I have the right to tell anyone something that most people would want to keep private; even you, Jerry.”

 

“I’ve heard stories before of people going through bad circumstances but I have to admit, Eli seems to have had to deal with more than his fair share. Now you’re telling me there was more?”

 

“Yeah. It was something else that happened when he was twelve,” Dane said.

 

“Surely it couldn’t have been worse than what his father did to him?”

 

“Well, Eli seems to consider his father as the worst thing and I suspect that’s because it went on for nine years but to me, in a way, I think the other thing was worse.”

 

“I’ll take your word for it,” Jerry said.

 

Dane asked, “So what do you think?”

 

“Well Dane, I think I understand where you’re coming from. I can see how and why he’s had such an influence on you. The fact that even Eli says that he’s been living a façade of avoidance, makes me think that nothing is as it seems to be. If I were to be narrow and critical, I’d say that you’re allowing your empathy, sympathy and compassion to rule your thoughts, feelings and actions. However, the events that took place between the two of you were quite extraordinary, your reactions to each other were equally bizarre under those circumstances and then the fact that you both opened up to each other the way you did; Dane, it’s unusual but it oddly makes perfect sense.

 

“I can’t believe I’m going to say this to you because it goes against my grain as a reasonable man but even though I still think moving in together so quickly is dubious, I have this feeling that’s telling me that you both are exactly what the other needs. I want to dispute it but I can’t without reaching or without sounding immutable. All I can really say is what I said to you when you first arrived here. I think you should take on the position, work at it and see if it is what’s right for you. The fact that Eli’s been some sort of thug for the last five years bothers me but somehow, without meeting him or knowing him, I think I’d want to trust him, too. I just hope to god that I don’t regret saying any of this to you.”

 

“I knew you’d understand, even if you didn’t agree,” Dane proffered.

 

“I want to meet him, Dane.”

 

“I want you to meet him but you have to let me get to know him a little more and also allow him to settle in a little first. I don’t want to try and thrust him into everything after two days or so.”

 

“I think that’s wise and I understand and agree but I still want to meet him when the time is right,” Jerry said.

 

“You will. I promise,” Dane replied.

 

“I so hope this situation is everything that you could want it to be and I really hope Eli can be everything in a man that you want him to be and more,” Jerry said.

 

“Jerry, I just want him to be himself and to show me who he really is and to become whatever it is he’s capable of becoming.”

 

“Well, you have my support and my hopes are with you.”

 

“Thanks, Jerry. Anyway, I’m going to get going. I don’t want Eli to come home and find me not there.”

 

“I understand but Dane, stay in touch and talk to me if you need someone to talk to.”

 

“I will,” Dane said seriously but then his expression changed to amused and he added, “As long as it isn’t so you can find out I fucked up and you can say I told you so.”

 

“Dane, as much as I would love to continue impressing my superior wisdom upon you and thereby making you see how incredibly inadequate you are, how could I possibly do that when I haven’t said you’re doing the wrong thing?”

 

Dane smiled broadly and then he stood up from the table and gave Jerry a very large and loving hug.

 

“Thank you, Jerry,” he said with a sincere nod.

 

Jerry saw Dane to the front door and told him to drive safely and then he watched as Dane walked away with a noticeable skip in his step. Jerry smiled.

 

To be continued...