Chapter 11
Spanner In The Works

 

It was six o’clock on Monday morning when Dane opened his eyes. He turned his head as far as he could without rolling over and he looked at the bed behind him. He hoped his first thought of the day would be nothing more than doubt and pessimism but instead, his thought was confirmed when he saw the other side of the bed was empty.

 

As he stared at the empty space, initially he recalled the first night, as he walked from the bathroom to discover Eli was gone. The same feeling of uncertainty filled his gut then, as it did now. It was only a moment later, though, when Dane knew that anger would not be his following emotion.

 

Turning his eyes away, he lifted his gaze to look out the window. The sky was not just filled with black clouds, it was raining heavily and the outside world carried with it the appearance and sense of coldness. It also instigated a melancholy feeling.

 

“Appropriate,” Dane thought.

 

The feeling of emptiness and the nature of the weather only added to a sudden and complete lack of motivation, which consumed him. It was unusual, however, still it was enough to instigate making a very rare call to his work. He informed them he was ill and would not be in that day because he knew in all honesty; he did not want to face the people, the place or the job.

 

What he was feeling that Monday morning, sat heavier on his being then it had the night before. Somehow it was becoming even more real and the weight of it was saddening and depressing, as it pushed him to a place of resignation. He was in two minds; one side refusing to accept it was possible while the other side bent to the passage of time, which told him he should prepare for the inevitable.

 

On Sunday afternoon when he arrived home from his visit with Jerry, Dane could never have imagined that anything could deny his excited sense of anticipation to see Eli again. His optimism and his happiness had been intensified, as a consequence of revealing Eli’s existence to someone else. He also felt he had found validation in his decision, which at the time he needed from a man, whose opinion had always held credibility in his mind.

 

Of course Jerry had still harboured some doubts but he could already see a distinct difference in his young friend, which he thought was a beneficial change. More than anything, just by listening and accepting, Jerry had given Dane the clarity of thought and sense of perspective he needed. Dane’s attitudes about Eli had become certain and he was sure he was doing the right thing.

 

Internally, Jerry thought that if this unknown stranger could have such a positive effect in such a brief period of time, perhaps it was worth giving the man the benefit of the doubt. His only real worry was that Eli maybe so damaged that eventually his damages might damage Dane as well.

 

By seven o’clock Dane was still free of doubt and uncertainty. Eli had still not arrived home but Dane’s mind, heart and body were fully engaged in a task, which in spite of its necessity, he was doing completely for Eli. Dane was cooking Eli a special meal and the dining room table was set for a candlelit dinner. At nine o’clock his thoughts began to alter. They were only slight alterations, although innately Dane knew he was pushing their subtle whisperings forcibly to the back of his mind.

 

When Dane walked into the kitchen to make yet another cup of coffee, the aqua display of nine forty-five on the microwave oven caught his attention. His mind, though, dismissed the fifteen-minute differential and was actually screaming ten o’clock at night. This was the moment his chest began to really tighten. Three hours was way too long, following the late afternoon to early evening option, which Eli had said was the time he would be back. Dane knew in that moment he could not keep fooling himself that Eli was still on his way.

 

By ten-thirty Dane was beginning to feel the weight of disbelief. He shook his head at the way everything pertaining to Eli always seemed to be extreme. The sex was extreme, the feelings were extreme, the need was extreme and now the silence was extreme. Dane thought he should be angry but instead he was feeling shattered. He tried to push it away and he made himself another coffee and then returned to the lounge room to watch the movie he had chosen to pass time.

 

He sat in front of the television, the entertainment system cranked up to an above average volume, the action movie shaking everything in the room due to all of the sound effects but still, Dane had been staring blindly and hearing nothing in particular.

 

Finally, at one o’clock in the morning, he slid between the sheets of his bed. His frustration was inexhaustible, as his lack of information and his lack of something rational to hold onto, became an uncomfortable ache, which caused him to roll and twist and turn until eventually, he fell into a restless sleep. Between his rising and falling consciousness throughout the night, he dreamt of Eli. They were good dreams and nice dreams but now he had awoken, he felt nothing inside that resembled the pleasant adjectives of nice or good.

 

As the morning dragged by, Dane began to feel a growing ache in his chest and he again thought a reaction like this made no sense. His heart should not ache unless he was in love or in grief. He recalled saying to Jerry that he thought he might be falling in love with Eli. Now, though, he was arguing the validity of his senses and so he was telling himself it was more about loss and about being alone again.

 

Nearly forty hours had passed since they met on Saturday afternoon and even though during the previous morning he had begun to lean toward the idea of it being love, now with Eli missing in action, Dane did not want to admit the possibility at all. He had never been in love and though he had read the books, seen the movies and also watched as people in real life experienced the joy and suffered the pain; the latter seemed to be what he was feeling now and he did not want to accept that this was the beginning of that pain.

 

“Surely it’s not possible to fall in love so deeply or this fast. It also can’t be possible that this is grief or loss. Neither of those things would be logical; it’s just too quick. You know, you’re probably falling back into old habits and this is all about your fantasies and your stubbornness and wanting something that doesn’t exist. There’s no Prince Charming and Eli certainly could never play that role. This is real life and not some dream so wake up and smell the coffee.”

 

Remaining in bed for an hour, Dane fell into a vague state, which stopped the relentless specificity of his thoughts. Still, an unyielding awareness of the name and the man pervaded like a mist within his mind. When he finally arose, he quickly showered and cleaned his teeth and then got dressed. Following several extra strong coffees that morning, he walked back into the kitchen to clean up.

 

The uneaten meals from the night before were now on their plastic-wrap-covered-plates in the fridge. The pots and pans and everything else, though, were still in the sink. Like a mindless robot he set about the task and when it was done, he leaned on the sink and stared distantly out the kitchen window. It was almost ten minutes later when his mind reset itself and he suddenly realised the weather had begun to clear. There were even a few patches of blue sky and so at that moment he decided he needed to get out of the house.

 

When he was finally in his car, he reversed out of the driveway and instantly turned in the direction of the headland at Congwong Bay. He parked and got out. He walked briefly, looking around, vainly hoping to see Eli sitting somewhere, trying to talk himself out of what he wanted to do.

 

Innately Dane knew it was a ridiculous thought and that Eli was not going to be there. Still, he had clung desperately to the hope. The nasty weather had kept the usual crew of habitual frequenters of the beach away, however, no weather or rationality could have driven Dane’s hope away. He therefore had to return to this place, begging to see that face again.

 

After thirty minutes of leaning on a fence, Dane returned to his car and drove into the city. His destination was born in more vain hope. It was another reaching desire to discover Eli down at the harbour where they had met. He was not there, of course, however that did not stop Dane from descending the stairs and then leaning against the wall beside the water.

 

For quite a while he stared at the water, a murky green when he looked down directly into it and yet oddly blue when he looked across the harbour. He thought of Daniel momentarily and found himself talking to him, almost like he was praying. He asked Daniel where Eli was and then he asked him to bring him back to him. A silent monologue followed, as he told his dead friend what had occurred two days ago in detail. He followed with an appraising explanation of the good man he believed Eli was.

 

Dane even told Daniel the truly personal part of Eli’s life, which he did not feel he had the right to tell Jerry the day before. Naturally Dane did not receive an answer from Daniel and nor had he expected one but talking about that horrible event, detracted somewhat from the growing, angry feelings toward Eli, which were now beginning to resent him for running away again.

 

After some time, Dane began to walk. A few minutes later he stopped and looked at Mrs Macquarie’s Chair. He shook his head at the notion that people with power, position and money, could apparently have their way and do whatever the fuck they wanted.

 

Remembering his Australian history from school, he recalled that Major-General Lachlan Macquarie, who became the last autocratic Governor of New South Wales from eighteen ten to eighteen twenty-one, thought it appropriate and saw fit to have convicts carve a bench into the sandstone on the point of a small peninsula, during his first year of governance.

 

According to folklore, his wife, Elizabeth, enjoyed sitting on the point and watching for the ships, which sailed into the harbour from Britain. Subsequently, it became known as Mrs Macquarie’s Chair and Mrs Macquarie’s Point and later, even the road that led down to the point was named after her as well.

 

Dane did not doubt that the man loved his wife but he still questioned that it was not enough to just have the seat carved for her. He also had to name everything after her, fundamentally initiating a place for her in history. Apparently his respected career and highly influential effect on the history of Australia, was not enough. Dane wondered why the man had not changed the name of the city from Sydney to Elizabeth.

 

“Talk about letting love rule your life as well as your actions,” Dane thought, unaware of his current hypocrisy.

 

The stone chair or bench was created well over a century before the icons of Sydney Harbour were built, however, Dane could still imagine how beautiful and more natural the view must have been, as Elizabeth sat there over one hundred years prior. It still pissed Dane off though and he temporarily amused himself with the idea, of petitioning the state government into renaming it, ‘Dane and Eli’s love seat.’ He laughed loudly and a passing Japanese couple from a tourist bus looked at him strangely. It was, though, that single thought that returned him to his feelings of loss, which were imprisoned in Eli’s absence.

 

An hour following his arrival, Dane was back in his car and driving again. He considered going to see Jerry and telling him what had happened but despite Jerry’s contrary words, Dane still imagined having to see and listen to the presumed, ‘I told you so’ looks or words and so eventually, he returned to his home instead.

 

It seemed appropriate that he spent the day like a bit of a zombie, sitting around, pacing back and forth but never actually doing anything productive or of value. It was after all, how he felt. All he was aware of was a dull ache within him and it seemed like one of the thick, black, rain clouds from that morning had somehow managed to invade his body and make him numb.

 

The rest of the day and the night passed by and almost all of the time was monotonous and relentless, as well as restless and empty. In those rare and sparing moments when Dane was capable of a reasonable or rational thought, instead it was always to question the mythical gods, as to why he felt the way he did, when in the last forty-eight hours he had only been in Eli’s presence for sixteen of those hours. It occurred to him that he had counted the hours to be certain and that simple fact told him that for whatever the reason, Eli had impacted his life like no one ever had. Dane slid beneath his sheets at just after eleven o’clock that night but he was exhausted and this time his sleep was heavy.

 

Eight hours later he awoke. In less than thirty seconds, Eli was on Dane’s mind again. He instantly recalled the last time he saw Eli. He was naked, wiping his body dry after they’d showered together and he still had that incredible erection, as he told him he had to see to some business. Dane remembered Eli’s cock in his hand, as he pulled him into a kiss.

 

“At least it’s a hot memory to remember him by,” Dane said.

 

It was very late morning when Eli had left but though Dane had been curious about where Eli was going, today he was questioning even more regarding the destination Eli had gone. At no point had Dane considered that Eli had been hurt or killed. It had not been that he did not want to think that type of thought. It was simply that such dire possibilities had not crossed his mind. There really had only been one alternative that Dane had considered and that was that Eli had been unable to walk away from his former life.

 

Sunday had passed, Monday had passed and now Tuesday was beginning. Today, though, Dane began wondering about the bad things Eli had referred to and he wondered if some criminal element was stopping Eli from returning to him. Dane imagined a scenario where Eli was tied to a chair or locked in a room and some drug lord or mafia boss was threatening him if he tried to leave.

 

They were wild imaginings but any possibility seemed better than knowing nothing at all. Additionally, an underlying thought was creeping up into his consciousness; a distasteful thought that everything had been a lie and Eli had simply had his fun and now he was gone.

 

Rolling over in his bed, Dane picked up the telephone and called his work again. The weight of Eli’s absence, irrespective of the real reason, created an empty feeling so deep, he simply could not face his real world once more. Following no questions or arguments from work, Dane put the phone down and tried to prepare himself for yet another difficult day ahead.

 

He looked out the bedroom window and though he was pleased it was a beautiful day, still Dane was aware that even if rainbows were everywhere or cash was falling from the sky, the absence of Eli would countermand everything right now. Somehow, it seemed that nothing and no one, could brighten this mood, which was growing darker with the relentless passage of time.

 

To be continued...