Chapter 8
Laid Bare

 

 

As he walked with determination, Eli thought to himself, “What if he won’t open the door?”

 

The question slowed his forward pace, as it caused his doubts to surface. His next question, which was simply a variation on the same theme, slowed his pace even more.

 

“What if he slams the door in my face?”

 

Both of these questions were as much about Eli as they were about Dane. Where Eli was concerned, the questions grew from psychology and fear. Where Dane was concerned, Eli’s questions underlined the guilt for what he had done. The questions were serious and came from a place deep within. The place inside of him was a confusing place because though it was all about fear, the fear had two faces. One face imagined the future while the other face recalled the past. His response to both of the questions was a silent thought, based on the man he had created over the last five years.

 

“If he doesn’t want to see me then I’ll go back to the way things were before this night began.”

 

The answer seemed so simple and almost a foregone conclusion, however, Eli was completely unprepared for the reaction he received, not only from his mind but also from his heart and his body. The suggestion of moving backward instead of forward seemed like a weight that would crush him. Unexpectedly his mind was screaming at the futility of his life, his heart was aching from the memory of the last five years of his life and finally, his body seemed to seize up, as his slowed forward movement ground to a complete stop.

 

Every cell of Eli’s being and every degree of sentience questioned him. His body was telling him it did not want to go back to that life. There was one part of him that wanted to continue with the way he had been living. It was the part of him that had come to accept habit and the unthreatening and the lack of real life responsibility.

 

“Fuck that! No I won’t. This life I’m living has to change,” he shouted loudly with harsh disagreement.

 

Eli’s response surprised him but his surprise was not from the meaning of his words. It was due to the loud, emotional delivery of the words. They reiterated thoughts he had been saying to himself silently for a very long time. This time, though, discovered within that emotion was a truth he had pushed away for far too long.

 

His thoughts returned to Dane. It was Dane who initiated the crumbling of his walls. It was not about their meeting and it was not about the sex. More than anything, it was about all the feelings during and after their short conversation, only minutes before he had run. It was about the way Dane had managed to make him feel, again. Finally, it was about the look of hurt on Dane’s face and also the pain in his words, as they stared at each other on the headland.

 

Following hours spent together, a few simple minutes in bed and by the ocean, had cracked the impenetrable walls of his fortress. During the last five years he had barely felt anything and now, as he walked up this unfamiliar road in this moment, feelings and emotions seemed to be all that existed.

 

Instantly he felt the old fear again, rising easily, a substantial dialogue of “what ifs,” trying to make him back down and rethink what he was doing. They were thoughts that asked, “What if Dane isn’t really the man I need him to be? What if he’s a complete waste of time? What if I can’t be the person I need to be with him? What if I can’t fit back into that life? What if I hurt him? What if things just don’t work?”

 

A split second later, the most unsettling question crept pervasively throughout his body. It was not spoken, it was not whispered and it was barely a thought. It was cellular awareness and it was akin to breathing. It was natural, habitual and consuming. It was the most terrifying acknowledgement of all. “What if I get hurt again?”

 

“God fucking damn it,” he screamed, as some fucked-up, psychological version of him, interfered with his choice to return and to try to talk with Dane. The greatest part of him wanted normality and it was begging for some magic and yet, another part of him was terrified and felt so certain it was a pathway to hell.

 

Several dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark warnings of the sudden interruption he had screamed into the quiet stillness, which had pervaded a moment in time, amidst the darkness of the early hours of the morning.

 

Eli forced his leg forward to take a step. He had to try to push all of these thoughts away. He had to try to enforce his walk back to Dane’s home, to be a walk of calmness and openness. He had to stop the fearful barrage and try and relax and prepare for whatever would confront him. He felt uncomfortable in his skin, he felt uncomfortable within his consciousness but he knew his life was his responsibility. Regardless of the reasons and the circumstances of his life, he knew it was up to him to fix it. He had known for sometime that his life was broken but it had taken Dane to make him face up to the reality clearly.

 

Suddenly, words from an old Joni Mitchell song, which Ben had introduced to him years before, popped unexpectedly into his mind.

 

“I’m travelling in some vehicle,

I’m sitting in some café,

A defector from the petty wars

That shell shocked love away.”

 

Eli could hardly believe he had remembered the song, considering he had not heard it in over five years, however, it seemed to come from out of nowhere, as he tried to allay his fear. It was only the first verse but for Eli it packed a punch. It was a revelation because he realised he had defected from the life he was meant to live and replaced it with bullshit and an ineffectual existence.

 

Ben had once said to Eli that he believed that everyone got at least one epiphany in life, regardless of how tumultuous or uneventful its effect. Eli now believed that the effect of association and clarity, discovered in a single verse of a song, was his epiphany. It made sense and it made him understand that his choices though valid, were choices to run to safety from all the things, which were in no way petty but still, in running away as a final choice following Ben’s death, he had turned away from what he needed the most. He had accepted a life of meaningless pursuits to avoid the entanglements of the heart.

 

“Trust no one,” which was Eli’s fifth and final rule, pierced sharply through his mind, as he finally reached and stepped up onto the veranda in front of Dane’s door. Lights were still on in the house. He raised his hand to knock but stopped. It was the final attempt of his fearful self to stop him from making this choice. Ten seconds of a bloody war between his past and present and also between his mind and his heart, near broke his resolve, before he pushed through it. His knuckles rapped on the wood and he waited.

 

Dane’s eyes flicked to his bedroom doorway, as he looked in the direction of the sound. He was shocked but in spite of his resentment and his anger, an excited smile briefly crossed his face. He jerked into a seated position, ready to run to the front door, knowing it was Eli outside. He pushed his hands against the bed to lift himself up but immediately his pride and anger filled him and his arms recoiled, leaving him seated.

 

“Don’t you dare bend to his whim,” Dane said emphatically. “You don’t want someone like that in your life,” he then whispered resentfully.

 

Dane sat for a few moments waiting for Eli to knock again, as some vengeful part of him wanted not to answer a second knock either. As these feelings coursed through him, he knew he was in two minds. Regardless, as the seconds ticked by, which seemed like arduous minutes, he lifted himself to his feet and tiptoed to the front door. In fact, the seconds did turn to minutes and now Dane was feeling regret that he had ignored the first knock.

 

He was still very angry but his emotions were swirling within him, a mess of needfulness and uncertainty, as his human pride and his human need, fought in bloodied, hand-to-hand combat. A silent whisper came from deep in the background of his soul, begging for the man outside the door to knock once more.

 

Eli’s head dropped forward and hung in disappointment, following the lack of response to his knock. In that moment he realised how high his hopes had been. In that single moment of his history, he had focused all of his hope on a stranger. It was a hope, deeply hidden and deeply buried but still, it was a hope that a stranger, a man he felt connected to for no apparent reason, could save him from himself. At its crux it was a hope that the man could return him to a nearly forgotten place. He sighed with both acceptance and resignation. He turned and stepped away from the door.

 

“You shouldn’t have left,” Eli thought.

 

“You shouldn’t have come here in the first place,” he countered in silent response.

 

“Go home,” he thought.

 

“Home?”

 

Home for Eli was wherever he lay down for the night. He shook his head at the absurdity of the concept.

 

Silently he questioned, as he stood at the edge of the veranda looking at the stairs that would lead him away, “I thought you weren’t going back to that life?”

 

In response to his silent question, his following thoughts screamed, “You’re a fucking idiot, Eli. You’re a fool who spits in the face of a gift. You may have been afraid of it but you knew what you were feeling and what it could have meant but still you ran. You deserve nothing less than to be ignored.”

 

Accepting his reasoning, Eli lifted his foot and lowered it onto the first step but stopped. One up and one down he turned from the hip and looked back at the door, his facial expression a high definition photo of someone not wanting to leave. A faint but desperate hope flooded through him and he turned around and walked back, pushing through his doubts and fear. He knocked again and moments later the door flung open.

 

Dane said aggressively, “What do you want?”

 

“I’m sorry,” Eli said.

 

“So you said on the headland, at least after being prompted,” Dane slung acidulously.

 

“I was afraid,” Eli explained weakly.

 

Dane’s eyes widened marginally. He was hurt and he was angry but this unexpected remark surprised him and he asked, “You? Afraid? Of what?”

 

“Of you,” Eli replied.

 

Dane sighed with obvious irritation. This certainly made no sense to him and he wondered if this was some sort of game that Eli was playing at his expense. Following, he said, “Again with the enigmatic response. What in hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

“You make me feel,” Eli said and his eyes dropped down to the floor of the veranda from a type of embarrassment.

 

“Eli, everyone feels. What the fuck are you talking about?”

 

“I avoid it, I don’t allow it. I don’t want to feel, Dane,” Eli explained, trying to maintain his strength to continue and not to give in. This time he maintained eye contact.

 

Dane leaned forward and his hand came firmly into contact with Eli’s chest. He pushed Eli backwards and he stumbled and looked at Dane in shock.

 

Dane asked incredulously, “Did you feel from that?”

 

“Yes but that isn’t the type of feeling I was talking about,” Eli replied and then stepped closer to the door in an act that suggested he would not back out.

 

“I know what you’re saying, Eli. I wasn’t talking about the feeling of the push. I wasn’t talking about the effect of my action making you stumble. I was talking about the internal effect you felt because of it. It’s impossible not to feel, Eli. You can’t stop feelings. They’re there whether you like it or not. You can delude yourself into believing that you can stop them or even that you can subdue their psychological affects to some degree, by dismissing them or avoiding particular kinds of feelings but all that does is lead you to being dead inside.”

 

“Well then, if that’s the case, I’ve been dead for five years but then suddenly there you were and you made me want to be alive. It scared the shit out of me, Dane, more than you could imagine or probably understand.”

 

Dane’s mouth dropped opened and remained that way. He was trying to stay in the angry state he had been in since arriving home. His anger made him feel empowered against the hurt but Eli’s obviously painful honesty was insidious, as it crept into his heart.

 

“Fuck! You make it impossible to be angry with you,” Dane said, as he looked at Eli with growing compassion.

 

“I’m sorry,” Eli said again.

 

“Come inside,” Dane said and reached for him, grabbing his left upper arm and pulling him through the doorway.

 

Nudging the door with his elbow, Dane let it swing closed from momentum. His hand was still wrapped around Eli’s arm, the muscles large and tight and yet somehow so soft and smooth. His eyes glanced at the shirtless body, the taut, bronzed skin and the youthful and shapely curves and surfaces. He was finally seeing Eli’s back, which was a prominent V-shape and muscularly defined. However, there was something else that really caught his attention.

 

A human heart was tattooed on Eli’s back, parallel to the position of his real heart. The only difference was the heart was ripped open from the top and torn halfway down its front and back. Out of the cleaved laceration the two snakes emerged toward each shoulder. It was horrifying, it was impressive but most of all, it was thought provoking and somehow the differing snakes made immediate sense. Dane thought the heart’s placement on Eli’s back referred to something in his past. He thought Eli must have been badly hurt. He thought the two snakes, one soft and one hard, perhaps suggested a choice or an emotional reaction but Dane could only guess at what that could mean.

 

Besieged by not only the desirable sight of the shirtless man, Dane also felt an inexplicable need to help Eli. Dane’s feelings and thoughts made little sense to him but suddenly his anger and pride were gone, as he began to perceive Eli differently. He then thought the snakes were a representation of the man. Eli was both hard and soft. Even so, Dane really did not know what to do with that information.

 

Staring at the raw deliciousness and maleness that was stepping farther into his living room, Dane was again filled with desire. Lust and desire seemed an inappropriate reaction, when his heart was filled with emotion and his mind was filled with questions and uncertainty, however, Eli was beyond reproach in the stakes of physical magnificence. What Dane knew in that moment was how much he wanted that man, again. The skin, so smooth and tanned, those muscles, so strong and defined and all the rest of Eli’s being, filling Dane’s body with hunger and making his cock so hard.

 

A moment of guilt filled Dane’s mind. Choosing sex at the expense of important feelings and thoughts, seemed so wrong to him. His needs were definitely sexual but it was more than that as well. Dane was not sure why but he realised that somehow Eli had crept his way even deeper into his heart. It made little sense because he really did not know the man. Regardless, the lust seemed simple to understand and as Dane was so tired of thinking, he decided to focus on it anyway. Tightening his grip on Eli’s arm, he pulled him hard, twisting him around to face him.

 

As Eli spun toward him, Dane threw his body against him with a heated passion, which caught Eli by surprise. He did not mind the obvious and lustful impact and instantly they were kissing and grinding and clinging to each other’s body. A moment later they were on equal terms, as shorts, a singlet and a t-shirt were flung indiscriminately from hands and legs, swirling as the items sailed across the room.

 

“Fuck me, Eli, god damn it, fuck me and then fuck me again.”

 

Eli’s eyes grew wide in astonishment. He could barely believe that after what he had done, Dane still desired him with such wanton need. Eli was so filled with feelings and there was so much that he needed to say but in that moment, in spite of his needs, Eli’s only real priority was Dane.

 

With his strong arms wrapped around Dane’s torso firmly, Eli was pulling his body closer and tighter, squeezing harder, as his tongue speared deeply between his lips. The embracing men were turning in circles, as they walked and writhed and pushed their now throbbing erections against each other’s desperate bodies. Eli suddenly swung Dane hard and pushed him against a bare wall but their bodies at no time parted and their lips remained locked within their growing passions.

 

Releasing his hold on Dane’s body, Eli grabbed Dane’s left wrist, lifting his arm up and pinning it to the wall above his head. Almost synchronously, he grabbed Dane’s right wrist but leaving it down, he pinned it to the wall slightly away from his hip.

 

Unexpectedly Eli pulled his body mere centimetres away from Dane’s and looked at him. His eyes locked on Dane’s eyes and they stared at each other. They both could see it and they both could feel it, a connection that had seemed to come from nowhere in just over seven hours. It was still growing, getting stronger and Eli was so afraid of the negative possibilities but then he looked down and allowed his eyes to scan over Dane’s naked body. It was a beautiful body and though he knew that what he was feeling was not just a physical thing, it did not hurt his ability to push his fear into the background. He thrust his pelvis forward, slapping his cock against Dane’s cock. His body was arched as his slow hip movement swept his manhood up over Dane’s, before dragging it back down.

 

Dane was also gazing at the stunning and rugged man in front of him. Eli’s looks were so handsome beneath his weathered, sun-bronzed face, along with the set of dark and mesmerising, brown eyes. Dane then looked down at the expanding and contracting chest and amidst the entire portrait; Dane knew with certainty, he was willing to give himself to this man once more.

 

Whether it was his distant past or even earlier that night, Dane knew he had never felt such intense emotions for a man in his life. He certainly had not felt like this for a man he had only just met. He wondered if his feelings were just infatuation or simple lust. It seemed logical to believe that, however, he had to be honest with himself and somehow he knew it was more. His heart was pounding and he wanted to dissolve into Eli’s body and bathe in every cell of his being. He felt Eli’s cock rub up his cock again and as it slid back down, Dane felt so utterly turned on and so emotionally out of control.

 

“I want you, Eli, I need you inside of me.”

 

Looking up into the blue eyes that seemed to drown him, Eli found it strange that nothing was unfolding as he had planned. During the walk back to Dane’s home, Eli had decided to talk to him and to reveal his secret self with clear words. Instead, as he now gazed at Dane’s passion, heat and desire, all of which were begging him to become one with him, Eli knew that he wanted exactly the same thing.

 

Flinging himself against Dane’s body, their explosive emotions and deepest needs met in a physical collision. They began to kiss each other like the fate of the world depended upon it. They rolled along the wall as their bodies writhed but regardless of the level of sexual and emotional hunger, still the unfathomable volume continued to increase between them.

 

Eli suddenly stopped the passion-filled dance and parted their bodies. He gripped Dane by his upper arms and began to walk him backwards, directing him into his bedroom. Once there, they stood body-to-body for a few quiet moments, their eyes gazing into each other’s. Breaking the stillness, Eli then lowered Dane onto the bed. Unexpectedly his mouth was taking Dane’s cock within it but everything had suddenly changed.

 

This was no longer about Eli taking what he wanted. Now he was giving to Dane and even the attitude and emotion Eli expressed was not about strangers and not about dominance and certainly not about control. It was now about feelings and respect and understanding but most of all, Eli realised that even though he did not know why it was this man in particular, still he wanted to change his life and he wanted to do it with Dane. He only hoped that Dane might eventually want the same thing. A single, nagging doubt, filled Eli’s mind that all Dane would want would be the sex.

 

There was one other thing that was different. Eli suddenly knew that he wanted the softness and tenderness that Dane had reintroduced to him. In a way, which seemed unfortunate to him, Eli also believed that Dane desired the wild sex they had shared earlier. Eli became aware that what was most important to him was giving Dane what he wanted and so, despite his own needs, Eli began with that which had become all too familiar to him.

 

In more ways than one, a new day had begun for both Eli and Dane, not that either of them knew it yet. With every ounce of his being, Eli gave Dane a sexual experience, which was more than Dane could have possibly believed. The sex between them was cyclonic. Again it was raw and unbridled lust and desires, which Eli unleashed upon Dane’s body.

 

Lifting Dane to new levels, Eli took him to a place with another man sexually, which Dane could never have imagined until that night. The electricity and the desperateness that grew between them seemed to have no limit. The way their bodies assaulted each other, gave rise to concepts of wild, primal, animalistic sex, which was consumed by compulsion, fetish and an almost carnivorous addiction.

 

For the following couple of hours their bodies dragged and slammed and twisted around each other like contortionists. Several climaxes later, without either man making a conscious choice, suddenly they were entwined and embracing warmly and the sweetest and most tender kiss evolved into a passionate and loving yet unspoken agreement.

 

Sex, as it had been, faded into a hot memory and all that remained were two men who could not have been closer in any respect of the word. It was all about caressing skin, stroking fingers and needful kisses and it was all held amidst eyes that were locked and capturing moments in time. Piercing blue drilled into sultry brown, which in turn submerged beneath blankets of emotion.

 

Dane was more than well aware of the change in Eli. The angry and volatile man was suddenly like warm, liquid chocolate, pouring all over him. It was a physically tender caress of an entire body against him. With each breath that Dane inhaled and with each beat of his heart, he also felt the warmth within his body, as it coursed like a companion to his blood. Even the hot breaths that swirled from between Eli’s lips warmed Dane further. It dampened his flushed skin and made him feel as if he were being painted in Eli’s essence.

 

The change in this magnificent man was simply beyond comprehension but it was not a change that was difficult to be enamoured by. It seemed as if it was happening right before Dane’s eyes but he knew there was more to it. Eli had continuously paused briefly and looked into Dane’s eyes. It was a look that was filled with answers and Dane knew that if he told Eli to speak, Eli’s heart would become a dam burst. Dane wanted to know, he wanted to hear it all and he wanted to hold Eli and protect him from his feared destruction.

 

Dane pulled Eli closer and tighter. He still could not grasp what was happening between them. It was overwhelming to him, like he was drowning in emotions that were not even his and yet, the emotions seemed to bathe him in confidence and strength. Eli’s need seemed to empower Dane. He felt larger than life and more important than he ever had before and he knew it was all as a consequence of the struggling heart and the covert mind, which existed within a magnificent, masculine body and which through Eli’s own revelatory words, were bound in pain and hurt. Dane knew that Eli wanted to let go and that he was ready to divulge his hidden terrors. It made Dane recall his own self-deception, a part of him no one knew about and that he had only discovered on this night.

 

“I’m sorry,” Eli suddenly said, after parting their kiss and breaking the long silence.

 

Dane asked, “Sorry for what?”

 

“I’m sorry that I hurt you by leaving abruptly and without answers.”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Dane said arbitrarily.

 

Eli was surprised by the indifference and said, “Dane, you may not care but I do care and I need to explain why I treated you the way I did.”

 

“Eli, we all have parts of ourselves that we keep hidden or locked away. We do it to protect ourselves from the things that threaten us at the deepest levels of our beings.”

 

“Yeah, you’re right, we do but sometimes we need to release ourselves from those constraints because they hold us back and constrict the people we should be and perhaps were meant to be. Dane, I’ve been hiding in my shadows for years now, terrified of stepping out into the light. I don’t know how but somehow tonight you’ve changed all of that. I don’t know how you’ll react to what I have to say or even if it will make an ounce of difference to you but I need to tell you, to explain to you, because the man you met today, is not really the man that I am. I now know that’s a fact and I know it with certainty because of you.”

 

Dane looked into Eli’s eyes while consciously ordering an impassive expression. He was not feeling impassive; he was feeling that Eli’s words were a direct reflection of him. Dane felt like he had to tell Eli or at least someone, what it was he had been unknowingly hiding.

 

Though Eli’s words had been about himself, Dane did not even associate them with Eli. On some level it was as if he had not even heard what Eli had said at all. Eli’s words were a slap in Dane’s face, again awakening him to his new knowledge about himself. He moved forward and briefly kissed the sensual lips that caught his gaze.

 

“Eli, I project confidence and certainty to the world but I’m not necessarily that person. I may not have seemed confident in regard to you but you can be a frightening and formidable man. Though I’m certain that our respective situations are extremely different, you’re not the only one in this bed who has been hiding in shadows.”

 

Eli looked at Dane with surprise. He had not imagined that this man he was wrapped around could be anything but self-assured. He understood what Dane had meant about him being frightening and formidable but Eli knew that was a façade he had created. It was a persona that had been practiced and perfected over years. It had been created to have the exact desired effect that Dane had been confronted by. It had been Eli’s way of always remaining in control and always maintaining a psychological position of power amongst the people he interacted with.

 

“Dane, I don’t expect you to reveal anything to me that you don’t want to reveal. I’m not asking for anything from you that you don’t want to give,” Eli said.

 

“The thing is, Eli, I do want to free myself in the way you suggested but it’s hard to admit it openly to myself, let alone to someone else,” Dane replied.

 

Dane’s own revelation came like a tropical storm over a Pacific island. It was an onslaught that raised fear and ugliness from a surface of beauty. Dane wondered suddenly if he had really believed he could pass the truth by untouched, leaving it buried to never be unearthed. Pain could not be denied, avoidance could not be empowered and eventually all darkness must see the light. With those thoughts, Dane was filled with the fear that he also was required to speak and admit his truth. In spite of his fear, still he began to speak.

 

“Eli, at the harbour, I met a man who was intelligent, self-aware and so in control. Generally, that’s who I am as well but when it comes to love and sex, I’m someone else entirely. Your strength, your certainty and the dominant way you express yourself in sexual situations are traits that I envy. I look up to the confidence of people like you.”

 

Eli’s eyes widened and he inhaled and opened his mouth to speak his argument of how Dane perceived him. Eli knew he had created the persona, which was for every moment of his life and not just for sexual encounters. Now, though, he felt like it was working to his detriment. Before his voice could even form however, Dane placed a finger over Eli’s lips and told him to let him finish.

 

“You see, Eli, in general life I’m like many other people. I’m confident in my work, I’m confident socially and I’m confident in my beliefs and opinions. When it comes to men, though, I close up like a clamshell and I take on an aloof and disinterested demeanour. I made a choice a long time ago and though in essence there’s nothing wrong with the choice I made, the way I expressed and lived that choice was to my detriment. I didn’t even realise what I’d done but basically, I ended up changing the man I was and screwing up my own psychology. I became terrified of becoming something I didn’t want to be until eventually, I became someone I wasn’t, someone I should never have been.”

 

As these words became a part of reality and not just thoughts in his mind, Dane suddenly realised the person he had evolved into or perhaps devolved into, over the last few years of his life. At that moment he truly understood who he was now. He wondered how much more he could discover about himself in a single day. He wanted to deny his own words because it was hard to admit a mistake but he knew they were true. His eyes closed but opened almost immediately, as he decided to continue with what he wanted to say.

 

“I told you earlier about my friend, Daniel. Everything I said was true but though he was my best friend since we were boys, as well as right up until his death, as a consequence of my choice and actions and how I allowed myself to change because of them, I suddenly thought I was in love with him. That was the reason I was so fucked-up at the harbour. I felt like I’d allowed the man I was in love with to die, without telling him how I felt.

 

“Eli, the way I treated you at the harbour wasn’t really about you. It was about Daniel and it was about how angry I was and so I was taking everything out on you. You did piss me off with some of the things you said but in truth, now I know that my problem was about me and had nothing at all to do with you.

 

“The sex that followed all of the other shit that passed between us was something I didn’t normally do. Sex, at least for me, has for a long time been all about love and finding a relationship. Suddenly, there you were, the type of man that you are and unbelievably, I was opening up and embracing a kind of sex that I believed was not for me and was in opposition to the man I thought I should be. You were fucking me like I meant nothing and like I was just somewhere to put your cock. Why I was letting you do it confused the hell out of me because I thought I was lowering myself to the instinctive level of an animal.

 

“I thought I was in love with Daniel and I thought I should be making love to Daniel but then I was so turned on and I was so wildly attracted to you and then unexpectedly, I just wanted you to fuck me until the end of time. I loved it and I didn’t want you to stop. I felt like I was betraying everything I thought I was. I was in a whirlwind and nothing made sense.

 

“Eli, what I’m trying to explain to you here is that for years I’ve been fundamentally alone because I was only willing to walk a line that I had drawn. I know you didn’t mean to do it and I know I didn’t expect it to happen but our time together and everything that took place between us, somehow managed to bring me to a point of revelation and self-discovery. Because of you, I now know that I need to be more flexible. Even though the way you left hurt me, I know that if I’d never met you and if I hadn’t given myself to you and finally, if you hadn’t run away, I’d still be as lost as I’ve been for a very long time.

 

“I could never have guessed that your volatility would have shattered my illusions and fantasies of sweet love and castles in the air or that I would embrace the type of sex we had. Every ounce of need and desire and want was dragged screaming to the surface of my consciousness, as you fucked the insipid little boy into manhood. It isn’t that I want or need body-crushing sex like that all the time. In truth, I don’t. It’s just that it took all of those emotions and all of that power and passion to drag me through the looking glass and back to Kansas or more specifically, into the reality of life and love.

 

“To top it all off, now I know that I wasn’t in love with Daniel at all. I now know he was a façade I hid behind to avoid the truth about myself. Fuck, I hate the man I allowed myself to become and even more than that, I hate that I was blind to the fact that I was doing it at all. I’m such a weak expression of a man. I really am pathetic.”

 

Dane turned his gaze away from Eli’s eyes and he looked up at the ceiling. He felt a degree of relief that he had admitted the truth, even though it was more to himself than to Eli. He felt sadness from the thought of Daniel but mostly he felt frustration and self-loathing.

 

“Dane, after everything you just told me with such brutal honesty, weak and pathetic are not words I would associate with you. In fact, I’d think that brave would be more to the point. I’d think that pushing yourself to say everything you just said to me, a relative stranger, well, what you just said couldn’t have been easy for you and it makes my respect for you above and beyond most people I’ve met in my life. Most people hide while pretending to be more than they are. You’re seeing the real you and you’re admitting the truth about yourself, not only to yourself but to me as well. As far as I’m concerned that suggests you’re a rare man. You’ve also taken a first step, which means that now you can change.”

 

Amazed by Eli’s words, Dane knew he had never considered himself as brave but at that moment he understood what Eli was suggesting. It made him feel good about himself for the first time in a very long time. He thought he was a smart man, generally capable, highly respected in his job and embraced as important and special by his friends. He thought his family loved him and were proud of him, even though they did not understand why with his looks, body and nature; he had never had a boyfriend and had never fallen in love. He realised now that he could not talk about it with anyone, let alone with his family because until now, he had not really understood it himself. It was only this one area of life that he had never been able to get a handle on.

 

His mind wandered, as the clear processing of his decisions and actions allowed things to finally fall into place. He looked at Eli and he knew he did not want to be fucked through a tree trunk every night of his life. It had been necessary at the time, it had been incredible over the last couple of hours but it really was not who he was or what he was about. Dane also realised that though he still wished for Prince Charming out of habit, he did not need him anymore.

 

With all the pieces slowly falling into place, Dane was beginning to understand that there was a connection between fairytale desires and reality. Dreams and fantasy directed people in a positive way but at some point a person had to become realistic and create a boundary. What he really wanted now was a good man, a thoughtful man and an attractive man. It was based on his Prince Charming but with all the gilding erased. He believed it was also possible.

 

In essence, he knew he wanted that man, whoever that man would be, to become part of his life with love and commitment as a foundation. He wanted the hoped for relationship to play out within a realistic environment. It may be based on fairytale desires but this new attitude was real and could be achieved. It was practical.

 

“Thank you, Eli. I know you can’t really understand but you’ve helped me tonight in ways you simply couldn’t imagine. Just by being you and by forcing me across lines, as well as with your words; I suddenly feel like a different person, someone that I can accept instead of hate.”

 

As his words faded into silence, Dane knew he was feeling such an incredible depth of emotion for Eli. He was also aware of the sudden change between them. He wondered if Eli, with all his strange uniqueness, could be the man he was seeking, however, he then wondered how long this sudden emotional tenderness could last. Dane instantly wondered if he was being impractical and therefore falling back into old habits. After all, the man beside him was violent, angry, aggressive and willing to rape him. Dane knew that was not the type of man he wanted.

 

Eli had remained silent even after Dane had finished speaking. He was amazed at what he had just learned about the handsome man beside him but strangely, it was making him smile inside. He had just learned that Dane did not need the type of sex they had experienced twice that night. Eli knew that body-crashing sex had been how he released his anger, his bitterness and his resentment. His physical release was a form of mental and emotional release, which always gave him relief for a short time. Right at that moment he wondered if maybe there could be something between them. If so, then maybe sex could be more normal, like it had once been with Ben. Maybe there could be a final chance for him and it could be a chance for both he and Dane to overcome their difficulties together.

 

“Dane?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I said to you that I wasn’t the man you think I am and that’s true. The fact that what took place between us helped you, I’m happy about that but still I’m sorry that I was so aggressive and that I did what I did. I was really attracted to you - actually hot for you would describe it better. I wanted you but I didn’t think that you’d want me. I had no intentions of what took place but you were so condescending and such a smart arse and you made me feel like what I thought and felt didn’t matter.

 

“What you said before about how you react around men, well, I now understand why you treated me the way you did. At the time, though, I didn’t know that and so I took things so much further than I should’ve. I was pissed off because the way you spoke to me made me feel like I didn’t deserve any respect. You just wouldn’t back down and I wanted to teach you a lesson. I was trying to scare you but I’m not a rapist and I swear I wouldn’t have carried out the threat but then suddenly, you got into it and I felt you pull me closer.

 

“A long time ago there was someone in my life who always tried to force me to back down to him. It was my father and I hated him because of it and I reached a point where I decided to never back down again. In some ways that can be a good thing but most of the time it’s not. It causes more trouble than it’s worth and more often than not, it also hurts other people that don’t deserve the superfluous and residual effects.

 

“I suppose on some level your actions reminded me of my father. I did what I did to you at the harbour out of pride but it was an empty threat I was only willing to take so far. It really surprised me when your cock got hard and your eyes changed and you opened up to me completely.

 

“Don’t get me wrong, sure the sex was great and we both are a testament to that fact but if I’m as honest as you just were with me, I have to tell you that the blowjob you gave me here in this bed earlier was the most satisfying sex I’ve had emotionally in years. It may’ve only been a blowjob and we may not have even fucked but you touched me in a way that I avoid. You took me back to a place inside of me that I’ve denied and it sent me into a tailspin. I thought I was losing control and that was why I ran.

 

“You called me frightening and formidable but that’s the man I show to the world. He’s a fake, a façade and was given life like an actor gives life to a character. I’ve tried to make him the real me and I thought I’d succeeded but after my time with you, I now see he exists but only externally. I don’t want to wear that costume any longer,” Eli said.

 

Dane asked, “Does this have something to do with why you got so angry when I kissed you softly under the tree? Is it why you don’t want tenderness and softness?”

 

“Yeah but Dane, I do want softness and that’s the point,” Eli said and instantly his face transformed, as it was consumed with uncertainty.

 

As Eli lay within Dane’s arms, his beautiful, brown eyes were suddenly filled with sadness and he exhaled loudly with resignation and difficulty. He saw the metal of the car bend and twist and he heard the sound of flesh and muscle and bone, as it was crushed and all while he watched a life dismissed in an instant, as if it had been unimportant and meant nothing at all. For the first time in years, Eli’s heart began to break but unlike on the headland, he could not swallow it down or push it away.

 

At that moment all of Eli’s strength and power was lost to him. It made him feel so weak and he had not been weak for such a long time. These sudden feelings made him think this choice had been a mistake and that he should not have come back to Dane. Ben had been taken from him. His beautiful Ben with the soft heart and the crooked yet alluring smile had been ripped from his life; the young man with azure eyes that could lift him to heights unknown. Eli did not mean to say what he said next but still the broken sound of his voice filled the room.

 

“He died!”

 

Dane asked with a shocked voice, “What? Who died?”

 

“Ben! God I loved him so much.”

 

Dane focused more closely and saw the tears welling in Eli’s eyes. He ran his fingers tenderly down along Eli’s back and he suddenly knew that Eli was about to break.

 

“He… he…” Eli tried to say but the words faded like the final scene of a movie.

 

Unexpectedly, Eli released a husky growl and he swung wildly out of Dane’s arms and up off the bed.

 

“I’m sorry, I can’t. I just can’t do this. I can’t go through all of that again,” he said with a cracking voice, as he half-heartedly turned back and looked over his shoulder at Dane, before turning his back on him completely.

 

Dane was still on the bed but now he was sitting up in shock. Eli was frozen, standing in the exact same position and he was trying to push everything back down. He wanted to lock it all away again but he could not help but feel that he was losing the battle, as his teardrops were beginning to roll down his cheeks.

 

Dane could see that Eli was being eaten away from the inside. A silent thought within told him that Eli was on a threshold and right where he needed to be. Dane did not know where his next thought came from or how he knew; he just knew it with certainty. He then told himself that Eli would not have tried to tell him something so deeply personal, if he really did not want or need to. Dane had a feeling this was a last chance and with that thought, he reacted dangerously and said, “You coward!”

 

Eli swung around and the look on his face was horrified, in spite of what were now rivers rolling down his cheeks.

 

His voice barely forming around the word, Eli said threateningly, “What?”

 

“Nothing. Go on, fuck off and continue running away for the rest of your life,” Dane said harshly while terrified what he was doing might backfire.

 

Eli stared at him as his anger rose instantly. He was infuriated with Dane because there was no way Dane could understand the situation and therefore, he had no right to judge him when he knew nothing about what had happened to Ben.

 

Eli yelled, “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

 

“I’m the one who’s not going to run away anymore,” Dane said calmly.

 

Eli glared at Dane but to his own astonishment, he could not think of a single word to say in response. He just stood there staring at Dane and every ounce of hurt and anger speared like a javelin into his heart. He turned his back on Dane again but he did not move. He was wondering why he could not see his clothes and he knew that all he had to do was get dressed and leave. His mind was swirling wildly and he did not remember that he had undressed in the living room. The thoughts that had filled him all night of wanting to change, were silently screaming inside of him but now, so too were the emotional fears of returning to the old world of pain.

 

There was within Eli a sense of vulnerability. Somehow his armour had dissolved and his crying and his emotions on display, made him feel embarrassed. It was the reason he kept his back turned on Dane. At the same time he was aware of the surge in his fury and he knew he wanted to grab the man behind him and slam him into a wall. The explosion was building in him and growing out of control but then something unexpected happened.

 

There was a reason why what happened next occurred. In Eli’s mind, he believed where he existed in his life was all about Ben. In a way it was but there was so much more that he had simply buried deep within. He had never dealt with those things and when Ben died, nothing else had mattered. Everything else had been forgotten or dismissed as unimportant.

 

Suddenly, as Eli stood lost, he saw his mother’s smiling face. He then saw Ben’s handsome face and a moment later, he could hear his father’s words of becoming strong and hard. The words were like a blunt force trauma from his past. At that moment, Eli was even more frozen and lost. It seemed as if some invisible force was holding him, stopping him from moving and he had no idea what to do. A knot formed in his throat and it was a stretching and painful knot and then his knees folded without his control or consent. Unexpectedly he was on the floor, on his knees and consumed by tears and emotion.

 

Dane drew in a loud breath of both shock and relief. He jumped from the bed and was behind Eli, his arms wrapped around him and holding him tightly. Eli did not fight it; he wanted it and he needed it. His back on Dane’s chest and Dane’s arms around his body felt so good. How the warmth of human touch consumed him and then he was drowning, as varying emotions rushed like ocean waves throughout his body.

 

“It’s okay, Eli,” Dane said quietly but Eli could not respond through the thickness of his emotions.

 

For the next several minutes they remained in that position, the only movements either from breathing or as Dane’s thumbs caressed back and forth over Eli’s chest. Finally, Dane lifted Eli and directed him back onto the bed. Again he held him, unwilling to let him go.

 

After he leaned forward and kissed Eli’s cheek, Dane finally whispered gently and hesitantly, “Who was Ben?”

 

Eli did not even stop to think. He did not consider whether he should open up or keep it all hidden. He did not consider the pain he would feel and he certainly was not bound up in fear. It was like his conscious mind had vanished and his subconscious mind had taken control. He replied openly and honestly and it was only the tone of his voice, which suggested he could no longer fight the relentless, five-year battle he had waged.

 

“He was my boyfriend, the only man I ever loved. He fell in front of a car. He loved me. He really loved me like no one ever had and he treated me like I deserved to be loved and like I was important and like it was okay to be the man I was.”

 

“He sounds like he was a wonderful man,” Dane said.

 

“He was! He was special like no one I’d ever met.”

 

“He was right, Eli. You do deserve to be loved and you are important and it’s okay for you to be who you are, whoever that is. I don’t even know you but I already understand what Ben knew and what he saw in you. You might pretend to be the big, bad wolf but you’re a sheep in wolves clothing.”

 

Eli twisted within Dane’s embrace and he looked at him. He had never thought of himself in that way but he now knew he was exactly that, except that he could fight like a wolf. His eyes stared into Dane’s eyes and he could see the sincerity and the silent words that spoke of his importance to Dane. Eli was almost certain from Dane’s eyes, he too was feeling something of whatever was passing between them. Before he could say anything or make a move, though, Dane’s lips were pressed to his once more.

 

The kiss was a lingering kiss but soft and profuse with deep emotion. As it continued, Eli turned his body and soon they were wrapped around each other again. Eli forced Dane beneath him and suddenly they were lying down and holding each other lovingly.

 

As Eli lowered his head and turned his gaze away, he rested the side of his face on Dane’s shoulder. A moment later, Dane said unexpectedly, “Tell me who Eli is?”

 

“You were right, Dane, he’s a coward,” Eli replied.

 

“Somehow I doubt that. I suspect there were some very good reasons for the choices you made in your life,” Dane said.

 

“Maybe,” Eli replied amidst a long exhale of breath.

 

Dane did not respond. He said nothing as he waited, knowing that somehow within the silence, the requirement would rebuild itself and when it did, Eli would begin to talk again. Dane was right and after an extended period, finally Eli jaggedly began to speak.

 

“I’m… I’m living a life that... That I shouldn’t be living.”

 

Dane questioned, “According to whom?”

 

“According to me!”

 

“I can’t argue with that, we all make our choices, Eli.”

 

“Yeah, we do but sometimes they’re fucked-up choices. Choices based on the fact that we want to run away because we’re too weak to face reality or the truth.”

 

“Perhaps this line has become an excuse that people rely on far too much but Eli, we’re only human.”

 

“Everyone’s in the same boat, Dane. We all have hard existences in some way or another but I don’t think people run away like I did.”

 

“Did you run away because of what happened to Ben?”

 

“Yeah, in the main but also, no. There were other reasons as well but Ben’s death was the final straw. To me, I felt like nothing was ever right for a very long time. I chose to run, at least that was what I called it. I couldn’t see that it would ever end. I wanted it all to stop. It was because of that time after Ben’s death that I reacted to you like I did, when I saw you standing on the wall down at the harbour.”

 

Rolling them onto their sides, Dane looked at Eli and he suspected he was referring to suicide but decided to let it pass. He felt it was more important that now that Eli was talking, to get him to keep talking and so he asked, “Have you ever told anyone about what you went through in your life?”

 

“Only Ben. He knew everything about my life,” Eli replied.

 

“I’d like to know about those things as well, if you’d be willing to tell me,” Dane said.

 

Eli’s lowered gaze lifted and looked into Dane’s eyes. Eli could feel how real things were suddenly becoming. He felt the fear knocking on the door of his consciousness but still he silently nodded.

 

Seeing the tension and the struggle in Eli’s eyes, Dane figured that if he asked something simple, it might make it easier for Eli to begin and so he said, “Tell me about your mother.”

 

“My mother died from an aneurism when I was seven. Up until that time my life was good and normal, at least as far as I can remember. She was so important to me. She loved me and she talked to me and she was always there for me when I needed her. Losing her was hard enough but it just kept getting worse from there on. I don’t know if it’s the same with all gay guys but I knew I was gay at that age. Not in the way I understand it now but I knew I liked other boys and I believed it was wrong.”

 

Dane said with surprise, “You knew you were gay at seven?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Jesus, I guess that must have been hard for a little boy,” Dane surmised.

 

“I really don’t even know how I knew but I just did. I suppose I was lucky that I also understood it wasn’t acceptable or allowed and therefore I knew I had to keep it a secret,” Eli explained.

 

“Why did you believe it was wrong?”

 

“My father hated gay people,” Eli replied.

 

“Tell me more,” Dane said.

 

“As a boy I wasn’t the man I am today. I wasn’t the hard-arse I am now. I was skinny and weak and emotional and it didn’t take long for other boys to sense a difference in me. It wasn’t that they knew I was gay, they didn’t. It was because they knew I was different. I was soft and fearful. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself, not that it would’ve mattered because I was afraid of violence and aggression. The idea of getting hurt physically or of feeling pain of any sort; it terrified me.

 

“The first years of school I got through okay. I was quiet and kept to myself. I never had a real friend and no boys ever tried to be my friend because I didn’t join in and so I continued to keep my own company. After my mother died I withdrew further into myself because she’d been my cornerstone. There was the occasional name calling at school but I just walked away. If it got aggressive, I ran away.

 

“High school was when things changed. I still had no friends and I still remained alone but something happened one day and an older boy began bullying me. It only made me withdraw even further and continue to remain alone. I didn’t know how to fit in with boys and without friends I had no one to turn to,” Eli said.

 

“I was lucky. I always fit in and so I was able to avoid all of that bullying shit,” Dane said and Eli nodded his understanding.

 

“It was my father that was the hardest part of it all. After Mum died he changed. He was one of those guys that were all about football and roughhousing and he believed that all males were meant to be the same. One day when I was almost nine, his brother and wife came to visit. My cousin, their son, picked a fight with me. I backed down immediately in fear and my father became truly embarrassed. I could see the disdain in his eyes when he looked at me. He was so completely disappointed because my choice was not to ball my fist and slug my cousin in the mouth. He didn’t say anything while they were there but the look in his eyes was enough.

 

“After that he kept telling me I had to join a football team and play on the weekends. He said that it would build me up and make me stronger but when I told him I didn’t want to play football and that it scared me, he looked at me like I was from another planet and asked me if I wanted him to buy me a dress.

 

“Over the following months he became detached from me, looked at me like he hated me and occasionally referred to me as ‘Pretty boy’. I started staying in my room for long periods of time and then he started drinking heavily. He’d come home late and wake me up and start yelling at me. It continued to graduate over time and by the time I was eleven he was hitting me regularly.”

 

Dane said, “I’m guessing you didn’t have any siblings and no one else to stand up for you?”

 

“No, it was just he and I.”

 

“What a bastard,” Dane said.

 

“You’re not wrong but let me tell you it was his words that really tore at me. I mean sure the full force punch of a grown man’s fist or the severe slap of his open palm against my head or even when he threw his body against mine, causing me to be thrust into a wall or a door, it all hurt and badly but it was when he called me Mary and fairy and then later, faggot and poofter, with a tone that made those words sound like the worst and most derogatory words in the English language; they were what really got to me because I thought they were true and I believed I was less than everyone else.”

 

“Fuck, Eli, at first I thought you meant he was just hitting you but you’re saying an adult male was beating a young boy. Jesus, how long did this go on for?”

 

“The first time he hit me I was nine and the last time he hit me I was eighteen.”

 

“Nine years?”

 

“Yeah but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m twenty-five now and I’ve long since passed all of that by.”

 

Dane said in his mind disbelievingly, “I doubt that.”

 

“The other really hard thing was when I got caught in the toilet with a guy I didn’t even know. The whole school was in classes and I’d gone to the toilet. I was twelve but I was still a weakling and a loner, so I often went to the toilet during class so that I wouldn’t be confronted by the bullies and the jocks or the older guys; the ones that empowered themselves by harassing younger guys.

 

“Anyway, on that particular day, I walked into the toilets quietly just in case, exactly like I always did but this time there was someone else in there. It was another boy my age but from a different class. I saw him standing in a stall with the door open, pants around his ankles, his shirt undone and not only was he caressing his body but he was pulling his cock. I stood there in shock but I was also really turned on. My cock got hard and made an obvious bulge and moments later he saw me watching him.

 

“To that point I’d never done anything but at that moment I wanted to. The boy saw my reaction and he ushered for me to come over. I was tentative but I walked over and in moments my hand was on his erection and I was touching his body. He fell against the wall of the stall and pulled me against him and suddenly we were writhing and rubbing and I felt like my life had changed and all of my dreams had come true. I even thought that maybe I’d found a possible friend.

 

“It was incredible but while we were in the middle of it, I suddenly felt his whole body go stiff and as I pulled away and looked at him, I saw his eyes focused elsewhere. I turned to see another older boy watching us but the expression on his face was filled with disgust and hatred. Actually, older boy doesn’t quite cut it because he was a senior in year twelve. Anyway, I was fully clothed and didn’t even have my cock out when I heard the words of my partner in crime.

 

“He yelled, ‘let me go’ and pushed me to the other side of the stall. I looked at him in disbelief. I didn’t understand why he’d do what he was doing, particularly after thinking that maybe he could be my friend and this could be something that could become regular and more than it was. He looked back at me and I could see the fear in his eyes. I didn’t recognise until years later that his eyes also carried guilt and he was acting purely out of a need to protect himself. His eyes flicked back to the older boy and he said that I made him do it, as he pulled up his pants and began to button his school shirt.

 

“The older boy told him to say nothing to anyone and leave it to him. The boy my age nodded and ran out of the toilets leaving me alone. I stepped out of the stall and began to follow him out but the older boy grabbed me and stopped me. He pushed me back into the stall and closed the door behind him. He was holding me in a tight grip. I was terrified and I didn’t know what to do.

 

“Hoping to make him understand, I told him that the other boy was lying and that it was him and not me that started it. He just looked at me like I was the lowest form of life and told me he didn’t believe me. I was so scared that I wanted to scream for help but after what had happened, all I could think was that my father would find out what I’d done and so I remained silent. I knew my father suspected but that would’ve confirmed it.

 

“I’ll never forget his next words. He said, ‘So faggot, you like cock, do you?’ Those words were said so derisively but I remained silent and he punched me in the stomach. Then he said, ‘I asked you a question. You like cock, do you?’

 

“Dane, I really didn’t know what to say and I was so afraid of him but then suddenly his face changed. He grabbed my hand and held it against his crotch and I could feel his cock getting hard. He rubbed my hand against his erection until it got really hard and then he pushed me down to sit on the toilet. I wondered if he was like me and if everything was going to be okay. He dropped his pants, undid his shirt and then he reached down and grabbed my hands. He started rubbing both of my hands over his chest and stomach. He was big and muscular and good-looking and I liked what he was doing and I couldn’t stop myself from staring at his big cock.

 

“He told me to touch it when he saw me looking at it and though I hesitated, eventually I did. I wanted to touch it. He was older and so it was much bigger and I liked the look of how long and hard it was. He told me to squeeze it and stroke it and I did. I loved what I was doing and soon enough clear fluid began to seep out. He was quietly moaning as my hand moved up and down along his erection and I was getting hard too. He told me to play with his balls and pull his hard cock and again I did as I was told. I was still a little scared but I was beginning to relax and I looked up at him and smiled. He asked me if I liked it and I nodded that I did and then he told me to suck it for him.

 

“I leaned forward and took it into my mouth and he began to moan instantly, as my first experience with fellatio took place. I really couldn’t believe it was happening to me and even though I was young and uncertain and scared, I was enjoying it. It continued for several minutes in a nice easy way but then unexpectedly he grabbed my head. He pulled it hard and he began to thrust hard, forcing his cock into my mouth and into the back of my throat. I began to cough and splutter and I couldn’t breathe properly. Tears were running out of my eyes and I was scared again but he didn’t care that he was hurting me.

 

“His body began to spasm and he came in my mouth but as he did, he fucked it so hard that my head slammed into the cistern. I saw stars and fell to the ground. He grabbed me and lifted me back up and continued masturbating and ejaculating all over my face. I was crying and afraid again but he just did up his shirt and pulled up his pants. He then said, ‘This never happened, faggot. If you even try to tell someone that it did, I’ll kill you.’ It was those words that ended my first gay experience and then he pushed me to the floor and walked out.”

 

Dane said with a gasp, “Jesus!”

 

“I dragged myself to my feet and straightened my clothes. I went to the toilet and then washed my hands and face and finally when I looked okay, I went back to class and never told another soul what happened. I saw the other boy from year seven but every time he saw me he’d turn away. It was only a week later that I was attacked and beaten up after school by the older guy. It started to happen every day and so soon enough I started to go home in different directions or just hide somewhere and go home late. He still occasionally got me over the next year but it eventually came to an end.

 

“When my father saw the bruises on me he asked what happened. I told him a boy from school was beating me up and he just laughed and said that maybe it would make me more of a man. When the teachers started asking me about my physical condition, I told them I was clumsy and fell down stairs or fell off my bike. It didn’t really matter what excuse I used because I was never going to tell and I was going to learn to be a real man. At least that’s what I finally decided.”

 

“Oh my god, Eli, I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, Dane, it was a long time ago.”

 

“It isn’t okay. Fuck, I know a lot of gay boys go through shit like that but it isn’t okay,” he said angrily and then pulled Eli against him in an effort to make him feel safe. Dane then asked, “What did you mean you decided to be a real man?”

 

“Well, when my father started hitting me, he told me I wasn’t allowed to cry and that I had to learn to become a real man. Of course I cried but he told me the more I cried, the more he’d hit me. The last time I cried when his fist connected, I was eighteen.

 

Dane said in astonishment, “Fuck!”

 

“He was an arsehole,” Eli replied.

 

“So what happened at school?”

 

“About a month before the end of the school year, one day I sat behind the school for about forty minutes before I got up to go home. I had a really bad feeling that the guy would be waiting for me. I left the school and everything seemed okay but I was still cautious. As I was passing a large, public school, I turned into it to cut across country, hoping I’d get home quicker. As I stepped out from the buildings at the back of the school, I heard a noise coming up fast behind me but before I could even turn or run, something slammed into the back of my head and I hit the deck. Everything went black for a moment and then as stars began swirling before my eyes, I opened them to see the older guy from the toilet sitting on his bike looking down at me.

 

“He said to me that no matter how long I waited or which way I walked he would always find me. He told me he’d been following me and that I should’ve thought to look behind me. He got off his bike and leaned it against the building wall. I looked around but there was no one in sight and from our position at the back of the school, we also couldn’t be seen. It was late and so I guess everyone had gone home anyway.

 

“I felt like we were the only two people in the world and not in a good way. I just knew he wasn’t going to let me pass and as he stood above me, looking down at me with an expression I can only describe as egotistical and smug, he asked me if I was going to scream. I shook my head no, resigned that he would only hurt me worse if I did.

 

“A strange look crossed his face as if he had an idea and then he knelt down beside me and he undid my pants and pulled them down. I struggled but he asked me if I wanted him to beat me up. I said no and then he told me to get on my knees. Once again I was terrified but I did as I was told and then he pulled out his cock, which was hard and then he told me to suck him off. I found nothing even remotely attractive about him anymore and I only did it because I thought that if I went through the motions, I might get out of it without being the brunt of his fist.

 

“I sucked him for a while and then he pulled his spit-covered cock out of my mouth and he walked around me and knelt down behind me. I was shaking when his hand came from behind me and covered my mouth. He pulled my head against his chest and then seconds later I felt him pushing his cock into my arse. I screamed in pain but his hand only gripped my mouth tighter and then he pushed his chest against my back until I was suddenly on all fours.

 

“He said, ‘Good doggy’ and then he forced his entire cock into me. I screamed and screamed but it was just a muffled sound beneath his hand, as he raped me for the next five to ten minutes. In the middle of it I collapsed beneath him but he just dropped on top of me and kept doing it. I was twelve-years old and he was maybe seventeen. When he finally came in me, he just laid on top of me as I cried until he recovered. His cock went soft inside of me so it didn’t hurt too badly when he pulled it out. He got off me, straightened his clothes and then jumped on his bike but as he rode away, he called back to me that he would see me next time.”

 

Dane’s face was contorted with anger. He wanted to cry for Eli but he was too infuriated and he wanted to find this guy and kill him. His hands stroked Eli’s skin so softly but he got the feeling he was hurting him as Eli flinched. Dane had seen Eli reliving every moment as he told him the story and so Dane assumed it was why Eli reacted to his touch the way he did.

 

“God, I’m so sorry, Eli,” Dane said and Eli simply nodded.

 

Silence filled the bedroom. Eli seemed to be recovering from the memory of the assault and Dane just laid beside him wishing he could do something to make it better. He really was struggling with the idea that someone he knew, regardless of how little he knew him, could have been raped as a boy but then suddenly, Eli lifted his head and looked back into Dane’s eyes.

 

“The following year the older boys had finished school, including him and I never saw him again. I kept to myself and stayed away from everyone. I really didn’t trust anyone after that because I thought that everyone wanted to hurt me. I’d never had a real friend anyway, so I was okay with it. To be honest, I felt like life was being good to me.”

 

“Being good to you? Jesus, Eli?”

 

“It’s okay Dane and I was okay.”

 

“Eli, stop saying that. It isn’t okay. You were raped at twelve-years-old. How is that okay?”

 

“I’m sorry, Dane, I just meant that I didn’t come to any harm.”

 

“Don’t apologise to me. You have nothing to apologise for. I’m just trying to make you see that what happened to you isn’t okay and it isn’t acceptable and you did come to harm.”

 

“Yeah I know what you’re trying to say but I can’t give into it. I have to be better than it, stronger than it and though it feels good to have the likes of you now and Ben when he was alive, trying to make me feel better because you can in some way understand, I still can’t give myself over to its power,” Eli explained.

 

Dane nodded reluctantly. He wanted to tell Eli it was not about giving into the power of the event and that it was actually about removing the power all together, however, considering everything, Dane decided they could discuss it later in more detail.

 

“What happened with your father?”

 

“The older I got the worse the beatings got but he only hit me where no one could see a mark. I didn’t have to worry and no one ever knew so it was fine. You’re the first person I’ve ever told, apart from Ben. After a while you learn to live with it. Eventually it stops hurting and the real pain is so deep that you can control it for the most part.”

 

While disgusted, curiously Dane questioned, “For the most part?”

 

“Well yeah. It only gets loose on occasion. Reasoning doesn’t work. It told me to stand up to him when I was seventeen while on school break. Unfortunately that only gave me a broken jaw and broken ribs. An explosion of hatred and unadulterated anger works wonders though,” Eli said.

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“Well, between the ages of fourteen and nineteen, my body began to really grow, both in height and in mass. I wasn’t as big as I am now but I filled out big time and all of the additional muscle brought with it power and strength. Anyway, I was nineteen and I lost the plot completely during one of his verbally degrading attacks. Suddenly I ran at him and I let fly with a fist into his face. Both of his feet actually lifted off the ground and he fell onto the floor, flat on his back. Before he knew what was happening I was bent over him.

 

“Dane, I bashed him. It was pure hatred and I didn’t even see him until after I stopped. It was the true meaning of blind rage. When my eyes saw him after it was over, he was broken, bleeding and bruised. He was still conscious but guess what he said as he lay there looking at me afterwards?”

 

Hesitantly, Dane asked, “What did he say?”

 

“He told me he was proud of me.”

 

“He what?”

 

“I assure you my shock was greater than yours, Dane.”

 

“I don’t doubt it. What a sick fuck,” Dane said.

 

“I spat in his face, grabbed some things from my room and I walked out of that house and never went back. For all I know he could’ve died but nothing ever came of it and no one came looking for me so I assume he was eventually okay.”

 

“Where did you go?”

 

“At that stage I’d finished school, I had a job and money in the bank and so I rented a small flat. You might ask that if I was in that position, why hadn’t I already moved out but the thing was, even though I was older, bigger and stronger, I still was afraid of going out into the world alone. I was afraid of the outside world. I imagined older guys abusing and bashing me; I also imagined a lonely existence, just like school had been. Just going to work was a task for me but where home was concerned, I guess I thought better the devil you know. In a way it was probably a good thing because after I bashed my father, I was less afraid and I began to come out of myself.

 

“Anyway, I existed like most people do and a month later I met Ben. We were together for just over twelve months. I really couldn’t believe that life could be so good. I felt at ease, I felt so at peace and I couldn’t believe that everything had changed so much. For the first time in my life I felt comfortable. Work was good, home was good and Ben was my rock. I loved him with my heart and soul. Initially I struggled with the belief that he could love me like he did but as the months passed, I became a completely different person to the one I’d been for so long. It was the best time of my whole life and it was two weeks before Christmas when he fell from the kerb in front of the car.”

 

“I’m so sorry,” Dane said, as he held back sincere tears.

 

“It’s the way of life and no one’s immune to difficulties and tragedies.”

 

Dane nodded and then asked, “So what did you do after that?”

 

“I went to his funeral but I never went home from the cemetery. I went to Kings Cross and I bought some Heroin with the intention of overdosing. I searched for a dark alley that night and then I sat down, injected myself and then hoped I’d die. I’d never taken drugs and knew nothing about drugs and so, though for an inconceivable amount of hours I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing, I slowly returned to normal. I guess I must’ve done something wrong.”

 

“Maybe Ben was looking after you,” Dane said.

 

“Maybe but regardless, even after the drugs wore off I was frozen in grief, totally alone and I sat amidst garbage, unmoving for two days. Eventually a guy named Kendrick, who had passed me twice a day in the alley, dragged me almost kicking and screaming to his flat. It’s a very long an unnecessary story but suffice to say, he pulled me back from the brink and led me into a whole new world. I’d like to say that meant he was a good guy but he wasn’t. It wasn’t a worthy world but it kept me alive and kept me going and five years later, here I am as you see me now.”

 

“I can’t believe it,” Dane said.

 

Eli asked seriously, “Which part?”

 

“No, Eli, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that I couldn’t believe you went through all of that and you’re still standing. I went through some fucked-up stuff and it brought me to a halt but if I’d gone through your experiences, I doubt I would’ve survived it.”

 

“Everything’s relative, Dane.”

 

“So they say but after hearing your story, I find it questionable.”

 

Eli just looked at Dane but he no longer seemed so distraught. He had wept as he relived certain parts of his history and he had been physically shaken at certain moments from the experience. He had unveiled his soul to a stranger but now a type of equilibrium was returning to his eyes. It was not as if he had returned to normal and he certainly was not a tower of strength but still it was obvious that he was on his way back.

 

As he stretched his body within Dane’s embrace, his persona seemed to be re-emerging from deep within. His hand lifted off Dane’s waist and he brought it up to his face. All four fingers curled and he gently caressed his knuckles down over Dane’s cheek.

 

“Thank you for listening to me, for making me see it all again and for making me realise that I have to change. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be where I was before I met you yesterday afternoon.”

 

Dane’s eyes widened. He could not believe the sudden and marked change in the man pressed against him. His words sounded so certain and so final and Dane wondered what the sudden change really meant to Eli.

 

“So what are you saying?”

 

“I’m saying that I’m not going back to the life I’ve been living. I’m not that man; I never was and never will be. You see, Dane, I haven’t been a nice guy since Ben died and I’ve done some bad things but even though I tried to ignore my actions, up until this moment, I never admitted to myself that I was guilty about everything I did. I need to return to being the man I was between the last time I saw my father and the last time I saw Ben. It was the only time I was ever really happy. Actually, if the phrase ‘real man’ had a right to exist then that would be it. I was the ‘real man’ back then, the man that I was meant to be.”

 

Dane asked, “So what are you going to do?”

 

“I have to say goodbye to my current life and to the people in it and I have to get a job and become secure. I have to find somewhere to live and I have to build a new life from the ground up.”

 

“The people you have to say goodbye to, is Kendrick one of them?”

 

“No. Kendrick’s dead. He pulled me out of my pit and saved me but he had a hidden agenda. A month later, he let me know that it was time I repaid him for everything he’d done for me. He wanted to pimp me but I wouldn’t agree to it. I may’ve done some bad things in my life since Ben’s death but I didn’t want to be a prostitute and certainly not to put money into someone else’s pocket, no matter who they were or what they’d done for me. He told me to do what he wanted or to fuck off. He thought I couldn’t live without the security he’d provided me.

 

“The reality was that by that point in time I was fundamentally resigned to the idea that I was there to stay. I’d already met a group of guys at the Cross and I’d also met and gotten involved with some other guys and helped them on a couple of jobs and so I left Kendrick’s and went to squat with the first group. A couple of months later I found out he’d been shot by some guy. He was pimping him and the guy eventually got pissed off with him and put a bullet in his chest. I don’t know the details but I think I can guess.”

 

“Yeah, so can I,” Dane said while shaking his head.

 

“I’m still grateful to him, though,” Eli said.

 

“So am I,” Dane agreed.

 

“You? Why?”

 

“Well because if it weren’t for Kendrick, I never would’ve met you and I’d still be lost as well,” Dane explained.

 

Dane was staring at Eli and suddenly everything seemed to make so much sense. Even though he knew that he still did not know Eli, some part of him felt he understood him. He also felt like he wanted to help him but at the same time, he was now one hundred percent certain he wanted to get to know him, in every way.

 

Eli’s eyes brightened and he leaned forward and kissed Dane. Dane pulled away and then he rolled, forcing Eli beneath him. His hands gripped Eli’s shoulders and his chest pressed against Eli’s chest, as he looked down at him with a questioning gaze. He did not know how Eli would respond to his next question but Dane strangely felt like it was the obvious next step.

 

Eli yawned a heavy yawn from deep within his body. It was obviously the yawn of a very tired man. He thought that venting his past and that feeling all of the painful emotions and the stabbing thoughts associated, had exhausted him. He felt that if he closed his eyes even for just a few seconds, he would pass out. It did not even occur to him how much of the night had passed by or that dawn was fast approaching. He looked at Dane and looked deeply into his eyes and he thought that Dane wanted something from him. He pushed his own needs to the side and thinking that Dane wanted sex again, Eli resigned himself to the thought.

 

“You’re a horny little bugger, aren’t you, Dane?”

 

“I’m twenty-three years old and a man so I guess the obvious answer to that question would be yes,” he replied and Eli yawned uncontrollably again.

 

Eli’s hand slid around to the back of Dane’s body and he let his fingertips glide down over his smooth skin. He may have been tired but Dane was still a hot number with a nice body and so Eli began caressing more sensually. For five years, every sexual encounter had been superficial and only about sucking and fucking and coming. He now gave himself permission to really feel a naked man, to really touch his body, all while allowing the nerve sensations to shoot pervasively into his consciousness, making it easy for him to feel his ability to rally again.

 

Dane suggested, knowing from Eli’s half closed eyes that he needed sleep, “Eli, maybe we should get some sleep before you begin another consuming blitz?”

 

Eli half asked, “I thought...”

 

Knowing he was doing it for Eli, Dane said, “Don’t misunderstand, Eli, somehow I don’t think I could ever turn you down or away but I’m really tired. Would you mind waiting for a couple of hours for me to revitalise my strength?”

 

“Sure,” Eli said agreeably.

 

“Are you okay with crashing here? I’m happy for you to stay,” Dane said.

 

“Yeah, I mean that would be great,” Eli replied.

 

“Good.”

 

“Did you want to ask me something? You looked like you had something on your mind,” Eli questioned.

 

“It can wait, Eli. Let’s get some sleep.”

 

Eli asked quizzically, “Are you sure?”

 

“Absolutely! Apart from anything that fat cock of yours has worn me out,” Dane said, even though he was bending the truth. He wrapped his arms around Eli’s body and lowered his head onto his chest.

 

Eli’s arms surrounded Dane immediately and he held him warmly and sighed with distinctive contentment. Dane glanced over at the clock on the bedside chest of drawers and was surprised to see that it was after five-thirty in the morning. He yawned as he realised he was very tired as well.

 

“Sleep well, Eli,” Dane said but he was too late and Eli had already ventured into the land of dreams.

 

To be continued...