Chapter 7
Lost

 

 

Dane lived on the coast, at the top end of a small peninsula named La Perouse. It had been named after the French explorer, Jean-Francois de La Perouse. Two beaches on either side of the peninsular were about a fifteen-minute walk or a three-minute drive from his home. One of the beaches, Congwong Bay, had become the beach Dane most often frequented. The headland, which was where Anzac Parade terminated, had become a place he sometimes went to sit and think when something was bothering him.

 

Following the discovery that Eli was gone from his bed and particularly because of how it had made him feel, Dane decided to go to the headland to sit and breathe in the salt air. He felt unsettled in the bed Eli had run from and so, trying to regain his equilibrium, he chose the solitude and quiet of the night on the headland. To his great shock, he had discovered Eli lying shirtless on the grass, talking to himself and seemingly staring up at the sky.

 

Still confused, Dane allowed his car to coast slowly down the driveway and then brought it to an easy stop. He turned the key in the ignition and all sound vanished, returning the night to its quiet still. He sat for a few minutes feeling both hurt and frustration.

 

While seated in his car within the darkness and silence, his mind returned to earlier that night. He remembered the moment he had returned from the toilet and discovered that Eli was gone. Initially he had been confused but what followed was a sense of hurt and regret. A few minutes later, those feelings were devoured by an undirected anger.

 

Turning his head, Dane stared out the driver’s side window into the darkness of the night. His thoughts returned to what he had been thinking while he was relieving himself in the bathroom. At the time there was a feeling of change and it seemed to be all as a consequence of the man in his bed.

 

As an overall self-concept, Dane knew his life in regard to men and love and sex had been stagnant to say the least. It was something he did not understand because his choices, his actions and his intent were all with a positive goal in mind. He was not trying to hurt anyone and he was only trying to do what he thought was best for him. His choice had been to only have sex with a man he would love.

 

The moment he looked at his reflection in the mirror in the bathroom though, he had known that something had changed. He knew he had never felt such overwhelming feelings toward a man at any point in his life. He realised, following a sudden change between them during the brief though explanatory conversation, how much he liked the man in his bedroom. He had reached the conclusion there was some weird connection between the two of them and as a whole, everything felt like it was leading somewhere. He was still cautious and hesitant but he could not deny what he was feeling. He had to admit it confused him because what he had done with the man and what he was feeling for the man, stood in direct opposition to his beliefs of how to achieve what was right for him and who he believed he should be.

 

Lifting his hand he gripped the steering wheel and crushed his fist around it. It was a pointless attempt to relieve the tension coursing through him. He remembered how he had thought at some random moment, nothing could come of the two of them, simply because Eli was not the type of man he wanted. Later, during their wild, sexual encounter, he had thought that just once, he should open himself up to this incredible man and the chance of an opportunity. Those uncharacteristic thoughts were because the experience of being with Eli was thrilling.

 

Considering his use of the adjective, thrilling, Dane thought that regardless of the disturbing nature of their initial conversation or even where it eventually led them, in every single moment that followed seeing Eli for the first time, the man had unsettled him to his core. Dane now understood that feeling that unsettled was not a negative thing. Never in his life had he felt an unsettledness that he did not consider as a negative feeling, until Eli.

 

Then there was the sex with Eli. It was sizzling hot and the man was exceptional in every physical way. Eli had held his focus and controlled his thoughts and feelings without trying. In every moment they spent together, no matter what had been happening, the whole time beneath his feelings and thoughts, he had wanted to remain with Eli.

 

Another thought sidetracked Dane, as he realised the last time unadulterated lust had consumed him, he had been just a teenager. Even that one night long ago when he was with some guy he barely remembered now; a guy whom at the time he had tagged as the best sex ever, even that guy did not hold a candle to Eli.

 

“What you want isn’t about great sex. It’s about love and a connection that rises above everything and everyone. It wouldn’t matter if Eli happened to be the greatest component of sexual skill and endurance and style. Eventually the sex falls into the background and what you’re left with is two people sharing love and companionship together,” he said with a tone of stubborn denial.

 

Dane’s hand moved from the steering wheel harshly and he struck his thigh with his fist. It was an attempt to combat pain with pain. It seemed incomprehensible to him that Eli’s sudden departure had hurt him so much, however, even as he tried to tell himself it was not pain and he was just hurt by the inconsiderate behaviour and the subsequent feelings of rejection, still he knew on some level it was not true.

 

Remembering the look on Eli’s face at the headland, Dane recalled the way it had made him feel. Eli had looked so sad and lost and that look had made him want to comfort Eli.

 

“Fuck, that doesn’t make any sense. If he was so upset about what he’d done then why did he do it in the first place?”

 

Releasing a growling roar of frustration, Dane then said, “None of it makes sense. Why did I submit to sex with Eli when it was nothing more than bodies and cocks and come? Why didn’t I care that there was no tenderness? Why did I want Eli to come back here and do it all again? Why did Eli turn me on like no one else has and why the fuck did he leave?”

 

Instantly Dane tried to tell himself there was probably no reason and that this night was just one of those experiences that happened inexplicably in life. His eyes rolled disbelievingly at his attempt to sweep it all away.

 

“Yeah, right! From the moment you saw the guy he got to you and you wanted him. With every passing moment your feelings toward him got stronger. You allowed yourself to fall into some fantasy of a life with Eli. That was why you kept pushing the feelings away and telling yourself it didn’t make sense. You knew what to expect and you got what you always expect. What did you think was going to happen? What is it that you were hoping to achieve? It isn’t as if he could ever be the one for you, not like Daniel could’ve been, if you’d had the balls to say the words.”

 

Suddenly with those final words, Dane’s whole body sunk heavily into the seat of the car. Daniel was unexpectedly on his mind once again. He growled with both pain and resentment. He thrust his head sideways and his skull hit the drivers-side window three times successively. It hurt but the pain did not have the desired effect he was hoping for.

 

In an evasive manner, silently Dane thought, “Is this what I have to look forward to?”

 

“Every time I have feelings for a man, life sees to it that the man is taken from me,” he said.

 

As soon as the words left his lips, Dane knew they were not true. He knew it was bullshit and that self-pity was suddenly driving him. He did not want to be at the mercy of that sort of negativity and so he decided it was time to make a change. Tonight he was going to sort out his life and he was going to understand why he was in the position he was in.

 

Initially at least, the thought of self-discovery was uncomfortable. If there was one thing Dane knew, it was that he had been stuck like a bug in molasses for years. What if he did not like what came to the surface?

 

Heat flushed through his body but it was not an enjoyable heat. It made him hot, uncomfortable and restless and he no longer wanted to be sitting still. He felt his anger rising again but this time it was self-directed. He got out of the car, quietly closing the door so as not to disturb any of the neighbours and then he turned and entered the house. He threw his keys with vehement intent and they hit the cushion of the lounge and ricocheted onto the floor.

 

He walked into his bedroom and flung his body onto his bed. He really was upset about Eli and he just wanted some answers and to find some peace of mind. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, allowing his mind to roll back through his adult life, as he tried to find those answers.

 

Naturally good-natured and a decent man, Dane was considered by everyone as a really nice man. He had been the child his parents and siblings had loved. He had been the good student, the considerate son and brother and he also was a great friend. He had goals and ambitions as he got older and they were not left idle in the back of his mind. He had gone after them and achieved them and now, he had a career with a great job that he loved.

 

Following his twenty-first birthday, one of his uncles had passed away and had left him his home and a sizeable bundle of cash as an inheritance. With that in combination with a stable and well-paid position, he was financially quite secure. He had a nice, new and reliable car and a relatively close-knit group of friends. Fundamentally, Dane had a very good life and he was indeed a fortunate, young man.

 

If there were one thing about Dane’s life that bothered him and seemed to be a problem, it was sex, love and relationships. Irrespective of all the wonderful things that life had sent his way, this was the one area where Dane seemed to be unable to find what he wanted.

 

Dane’s greatest desire in life was for love. It had been his priority since he first began to question his sexuality. His attraction to men had become clear to him at fifteen and then at sixteen, he had experienced his first sexual encounter with an older man named Jerry. Dane had admitted inwardly that he was gay, almost immediately following that experience. It was one year later that he came out to his family. His family accepted his natural inclination unconditionally but even though he was comfortable with his sexuality, he chose to remain hidden from everyone else until he finished school.

 

As Dane got older and he began to think he understood the person he was, he began to realise that the ways of a large portion of the gay community was not what he desired. His discovery that not all men were like him and that not all men wanted love or one partner or even commitment, simply was a hard pill for him to swallow. He had nurtured an idea in his head since he was a boy that regardless of sexuality, when you grew up you met the person for you, you fell in love and you lived happily ever after. He loved sex as much as the next man but it did not take long to realise that sex without love was for him, severely lacking in substance. He did not want to just keep fucking with different men. He wanted the social ideal of a partner, a career, a home and as a whole, an enjoyable life.

 

He then began to notice and realise that even the guys that did want love, were out there fucking every man with a pulse, in the hope of finding Mister Right. Dane did not understand that choice and he certainly did not want to apply it into his own life. He thought choosing to be something he was not, would lead to dissatisfaction and additionally, he believed there was no better way to live than to be true to himself.

 

It was not that Dane did not want or need sex but he found the almost repetitive nature of sex for sex sake so transitory and so temporary in its fulfilment. After the first few years of attempting to fit in to the gay scene, he soon discovered he was feeling like a piece of meat that no prospective man really gave a shit about.

 

Dane was a very good-looking, young man. He also had a great body but those things only seemed to make him an even more desired piece of meat. Dane was over it by the time he turned twenty. He had never really felt comfortable within the gay scene and he felt different. His friends accepted him but did not understand him. They could see the complete package he had to offer but the fact that he did not use it the way everyone else would, seemed little more than a waste of resources. Most of them thought he would eventually embrace the gay world and join in the fuck-fest but soon, he began turning every opportunity down for sex, simply because he felt like he was just being used. He began to think he would never get what he wanted.

 

Judging others was not in Dane’s nature either. He thought that if that was the way other gay men wanted to live their lives, then that was exactly what they should do. From a considered point of view, though, it seemed to Dane to be becoming the rule as opposed to the exception. It seemed that no other gay men that he knew or met, wanted love and sex in the way he wanted love and sex. He thought that it seemed gay men would not give you a chance if you would not have sex with them first. It was sex first or nothing but if you did submit to their ways, then they were not interested in anything else afterwards.

 

Coming to a conclusion, Dane decided it seemed times had changed and there was simply too much on offer. Gay men did not have to commit or involve themselves in the intricacies of intimate human relationships. All they had to do was just keep hooking-up and they got as much sex and as much contact as they needed. He thought that gay society had finally reached a point where it was too easy and they did not have to get personal.

 

Ironically, Dane’s best friend, Daniel, understood where Dane was coming from but Daniel also lived the lifestyle of the bar scene and random hook-ups. Daniel wanted a partner but like so many other men, he hoped to find his special someone amidst the swirl of faces that seemed to drift like a mist into one another.

 

Daniel loved Dane and had on occasion even wondered if they could gel as lovers. The thing was, though, Daniel and Dane were the absolute best of friends and so even though he thought Dane was super attractive and a great guy, he also thought it best not to fuck his best friend. Additionally, Daniel also knew that Dane was only interested in meeting the one and therefore, he doubted they could find in one another, what they both were looking for.

 

Despite wanting a relationship, Daniel also did not want to give up the unlimited selection of the buffet, in favour of choosing only from the à la carte menu. He was highly sexual and he enjoyed the melange of hot men that were available to him regularly. He thought he could settle down when he was a little older and that until that time, he could just fuck his brains out.

 

On the other hand, Jerry, Dane’s other closest friend and also his first encounter, was twenty plus years Dane’s senior. Jerry had a long-term partner that he had met not long after he had hooked up with Dane. Jerry had become Dane’s intellectual feeding ground and when they did see each other, it was a time for talk and discussion and debate.

 

The two men would argue constantly about the way Dane lived his life sexually and Jerry would tell him he was wasting his best years. It was not that he thought that Dane should be fucking the entire gay world but he did think he should be fucking more than he was. Jerry understood Dane’s need for one man but he could not agree with waiting in hope for the right man to suddenly happen along.

 

Socially, Dane would still go out with all of his friends and he was still his friendly and fun-loving self but he just would not focus on anyone other than his friends. He was twenty at the time but he refused to continue to play a role in a life he did not want to be a part of. He would not pick up or even show interest in any guys that tried to pick him up. He had begun to view all the men in the bars as the same and as his priority was love and not sex, he reached a point where he believed a long-term partner could not be found in that type of arena.

 

Eventually Dane’s friends began setting him up on dates. He embraced this because he truly wanted to meet that special someone and so because he trusted his friends, he saw the set-ups as possible opportunities. He would go out for dinner with the men, occasionally he would be very attracted to them and he may have even liked them but deep in his mind, he had enforced an almost inflexible attitude that he would not have sex with them on the first date.

 

With the stubbornness of youth, Dane told himself that if these dates were really interested they would come back and if they did not, then they were not what he wanted. Sometimes they did come back and sometimes he even had sex with them but by that time, he had a perception of the type his man would be. His imagined man had become almost a fairytale prince and Dane had become immovable in accepting anything less.

 

The dates could have been exactly what he needed realistically or they could have been absolute arseholes but Dane had begun to see them as the man he wanted and not the men they were. As a consequence, every time Dane was left disappointed. Quite simply, the men were incapable of living up to his expectations no matter how hard they tried. Subsequently, Dane remained alone, his sex life containing only the odd encounter and his emotional life as empty as it had been before.

 

By the time his twenty-first year was coming to an end, the stubbornness and the fixed idealism were by then an obstruction to any chance of meeting someone. All Dane knew was what he wanted but all he could see was he could not find what he wanted. As a consequence, Dane eventually reached a point where he wondered if he was meant to be alone.

 

All of the feelings and attitudes and choices began to bind together into a psychological prison. Like creeping weeds they were strangling his sexuality. First he thought that maybe he was not meant to have what he desired so desperately. Later he began to wonder if he was inadequate as a man. Soon he began to dislike himself and subsequently, his lack of belief in himself became a lack of trust in the men available to him. Finally, seeking only safety and comfort from all the doubts, questions and uncertainties he entertained, Dane suddenly began to shun all advances and he made excuses why he should not make advances. Everything seemed too hard and completely pointless.

 

By the time Dane had turned twenty-two he was feeling very alone and he had begun to look at Daniel with secretive eyes. Daniel was hot and he was a stud and to make him even more attractive, he was the best friend Dane had ever had. They loved each other, cared about each other and trusted each other implicitly. They always had fun whenever they were together and Dane told himself that Daniel was perfect and that there was no better man for him than his friend.

 

There was of course the chance that Daniel and Dane might have been perfect for each other and that perhaps if one of them had made a move, a life-long partnership might have followed. However, once Dane had begun to entertain the thought of love and a relationship with Daniel, unknowingly, he subconsciously sabotaged any chance of something between them, simply because at his core he knew he was not in love with Daniel.

 

Their lives went on, their friendship continued unobstructed and every time Dane looked at Daniel and thought about something more, he told himself that falling in love and having a sexual relationship with his best friend was probably not kosher. Of course that was ridiculous but something deep within him stopped him from taking the chance and told him he could not go there. In essence, while his conscious mind entertained the thought, his subconscious mind set up a boundary, which stopped him from making a foolish mistake.

 

Over time, Dane began to think that he had fallen in love with Daniel and soon enough, he believed it was a fact. There were times when they were alone together that he almost said the words but each and every time, that niggling something inside of him told him not to do it.

 

Later he became jealous of the men that Daniel fucked or spent time with and it became a constant he would tell Daniel each one was not good enough for him. Dane did not even realise that he had built himself a nice, safe and non-confronting comfort zone where nothing and no one could touch him. Then Daniel got sick.

 

Dane’s life became routine. He would sleep, eat, work and then there was the constant vigil for his friend. What little social life Dane had, died a sudden death. He looked after Daniel, he did his shopping and his cleaning and he saw to his economic needs. No matter how much Daniel chided him and told him to get out and have some fun, Dane would wave him off and tell him that a friend was not only there in the good times. One year later, after an extended stay in hospital, followed by that horrible day, Daniel was dead.

 

Following a brief though detailed recollection and analysis of the last eight years of his life, Dane opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. For the first time since he made the long ago choice to live for love, doubt suddenly began to creep into his mind.

 

Dane rolled on the bed and he thought that he had to resign himself to the fact that he had to change the person he was.

 

“No,” he said loudly, “How can it be wrong to honour your own nature? How can it be wrong to believe in and to exist according to what you need with honesty and dignity?”

 

“Honesty and dignity? What the fuck was honest and dignified about telling yourself you were in love with your best friend, just because it seemed easier? What was dignified about not having sex and causing yourself to always be alone? Where was the dignity in being so stubborn that the freedom of your sexuality became nothing more than a prison? Honesty and dignity? Try self-deception and delusion,” he yelled.

 

Instantly, Dane’s mind shot to earlier that night and to the wild sex with Eli, which had been devoid of love and tenderness. He could not deny that he had loved it. He knew he had wanted more, which was the reason he had asked Eli to come home with him. He knew that Eli’s cock in his mouth had consumed him with desire and that if Eli had not run away, he would have let Eli fuck him all night long.

 

“Maybe all this time I’ve been nothing more than an idealist, dreaming dreams of something that doesn’t really exist. Maybe I’ve been reading too many romantic novels and watching too many romantic movies. Maybe what I’ve been living for doesn’t exist and that’s why I never found it. Maybe love is all bullshit and it’s what they tell people to give them something to hope for? I’ve never been in love and so I wouldn’t know any better. Have I been waiting all this time to feel something I’m never going to feel? Shit, have I wasted all these years when I could have been spending time with lots of really great guys? It was the way Daniel was and I suppose it’s the way Eli is too,” he thought.

 

As much as it was a rational thought process, Dane felt his body tighten from the thought. He did not like the thought and there was too much about it that did not make sense. It did not take into account the millions of people throughout history that had believed unshakeably that they had fallen deeply in love. Too many people got married and lived entire lives together. Too many people had written some of the most extraordinary literature about wars fought in the name of love, about dying in the name of love and about exceeding the self and abilities because of love. Surely the history of humanity could not have been lived under a cloud of delusion. He simply could not dismiss love as a delusion.

 

“It’s not about the existence of love, you idiot. It’s about you! It’s about the degree of the choice you made. You closed every door except for one and you refused to walk any path other than the one you desired. Life isn’t about dictating what you will and won’t do. It’s not about choosing what you’re prepared to experience and what you’re not prepared to experience. Life’s about being open to experience! Maybe if you’d let your life flow in a forward direction and been open to diversity and its many colours and opportunities, then maybe you would’ve met Mister Right and you wouldn’t be alone now.”

 

It was so hard for Dane to hear the logic coming from his thoughts. He tried to argue with his thoughts by thinking things like, “Does that mean I should experience murder” but he knew he was splitting hairs because he did not want to admit he might have made a mistake. Still, what had been his primary reasoning, ad infinitum, was that what he wanted was who he was and living honestly according to who he was, was about dignity.

 

“I still don’t want to fuck around,” he thought.

 

“You don’t have to. You just have to get over this idealistic nature you’ve been entertaining. You have to stop waiting for some knight on a white steed to come and ride you off into the sunset. Damn it, Dane, think about it. You’ve based your life on some fantasy of what you thought or hoped love would be. You imagined some wonderful man, a loving and kind man who would also be your support, as well as strong and handsome. It’s a fucking concept of Prince Charming, you moron.”

 

His mind wondered how many guys he would have to hook-up with until he met the man that could fit into his life. It seemed it was the way that so many other gay guys did it but then he asked himself why he had to be a lemming that followed all the other lemmings off the cliff. Surely the diversity of human nature suggested that all courses and choices were valid?

 

All the thoughts of changing made him cringe. It was true that once you fell into a serious habit, breaking free of the habit and doing things differently was not just psychologically frightening, it was physically uncomfortable. He could already feel the discomfort in his body. All these new thoughts were shattering his ivory tower dreams but he was tired of being alone, he was tired of being afraid and he was tired of rejecting every man. Maybe he needed to be something he was not. Maybe that was realistic. He wondered if that was what was meant by having to sacrifice to get what a person needed in life.

 

Dane cringed again. He knew how hard it would be, to be the man he was thinking he needed to be, however, he knew he had to stand up and take control of his life. He grit his teeth hard with irritation until it began to hurt. He did not want to change that drastically. He did not want to meet a thousand men or fuck a thousand men but now he was wondering what other choice he had. He questioned why a person would be who they were, if the only point was to sacrifice the person they were, to become someone else entirely. He rolled over and buried his face in his pillow with frustration.

 

Of course hiding in his pillow had no effect. He started thinking how fucked-up and delusional he had been for believing he had fallen in love with Daniel. Right in that moment, Daniel was finally his best friend again, however, too late, Daniel was dead.

 

Remembering a couple months ago, Dane recalled as he walked through the Botanical Gardens after work, just before he returned to Daniel’s to cook him dinner and sit at his side; a stunning man had cruised him near a bed of Australian flora. It had stroked his ego and made him feel so good but then as he looked at the man, he wondered if he could be someone special. The first thought that had gone through Dane’s mind was that the man only wanted sex. As a consequence, Dane turned and walked away, never allowing the thought to cross his mind that maybe the man wanted something more, too.

 

Unexpectedly, Eli’s face popped back into Dane’s mind. It irritated him that he was suddenly thinking of Eli again. The man may have been a deliciously hot thug who was a sexual feast but he was also a prick who had shown Dane the exact face of men that he had been avoiding for all of these years. Eli had taken what he could get from him. He’d used him and then taken off without a word.

 

“A man like Eli is the last person you need in your life,” he thought.

 

Dane’s expression changed the moment the thought crossed his mind. Part of him agreed with the thought but another part of him wanted Eli to be the one. Even though Dane knew that his very first perception of Eli was based on physical attraction alone, still he knew that in spite of all the negative attitudes he associated with Eli, the man had eventually shown him positive traits as well. In the moments Eli had allowed alternative sides of himself to be seen, those sides had shown a man who was smart, thoughtful and funny and when he finally understood what had really been going on, Eli had shown a truly considerate side as well.

 

“It doesn’t matter. He fucked you, let you blow him and then left without a word. Stop trying to make excuses for him just because you were hot for him. He’s an arsehole so get over it and get on with changing your life so you can meet someone really worthwhile.”

 

With that thought, Dane decided he would change but he would do it in moderation. He would do only what he needed to do in the hope of finding a man. He did not need to have sex with every man in Sydney to find a partner and he was sure of it. All he needed to do was to open up to those moments of equal attraction, let those men through the door and then discover if there was compatibility between them.

 

It sounded so reasonable in his mind and yet still it felt like he was turning his back on a personal belief he had always believed was a truly honourable trait. Feeling certain and yet uncertain at the same time, Dane released another growl of frustration.

 

To be continued...