An Improbable Love II
By: Morris Henderson
(© 2008 by the author)
 

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“He was wonderful, wasn’t he,” TJ said. “Is it any wonder why I love him?”

Ramon then said, “Why don’t you go into the bathroom and freshen up. I’ve found that a cold, wet wash cloth on the face helps a lot when I cry.”

“You cry?” TJ asked.

“Frequently. And I’m not ashamed of it. Now freshen up. Jerry will have dinner ready in about 20 minutes.”

CHAPTER SEVEN

Everyone’s spirits were depressed by the confrontation with the coach but two things were instrumental in partially improving the mood of the evening. Jerry’s magnificent meal drew sincere praise from TJ and Neil and Jerry’s characteristic enthusiasm seemed to breathe welcome life into the conversation that, by unspoken agreement, avoided any mention of the coach’s outburst, his bigotry, and his malicious proclamation that TJ could no longer be a member of the swim team.

Jerry insisted on cleaning up after the meal and sent Ramon and the two teens into the living room.

“Relax,” Ramon said to the boys. “Fixing a dinner -- and that includes cleaning up -- is one of three things that he thoroughly enjoys. Another is his job at the newspaper.”

“That’s only two,” Neil said.

Ramon grinned, briefly touched his crotch, and said, “I suppose you can guess the third thing.”

Everyone laughed, perhaps longer and more heartily than usual because it seemed to dispel the tension that had been haunting them since the coach left.

Soon, however, TJ lapsed back into a funk. In an attempt to distract his lover, Neil asked if they could see some of Ramon’s portraits. For the next half hour, Ramon showed some of his work. Neil was more interested than TJ, who seemed almost detached from the conversation. Neil was amazed at the quality of the portraits. In each, the setting, the lighting, the expression, and the pose seemed to speak volumes about the subject’s mood and thoughts. These impressions were only confirmed as Ramon described each person.

“I have more,” Ramon said. “But I’ve shown you the ones I’m most proud of.”

“Perhaps so,” interjected Jerry. “They’re good but they’re not my favorites.”

“Jerry!” Ramon barked.

Jerry just smiled, which only seemed to increase Ramon’s agitation.

“I take it that your taste is different than Ramon’s,” Neil said. “I can’t imagine anything better than what I’ve seen.”

“Oh, it gets a lot better,” Jerry replied with a devilish grin.

“JERRY!” Ramon shouted while glaring at his partner.

Neil decided that it would be unwise to pursue his hosts’ disagreement but Ramon felt compelled to explain it. “I approach my work with a photographer’s eye -- I won’t flatter myself by saying an artist’s eye. Jerry’s criteria are different. I love him for a thousand reasons but appreciation of portraiture is not one of them. You see, I’ve also done some photography as a favor to a few close friends, gay friends. At first, I refused. But their insistence and Jerry’s encouragement overcame my objections. The photos are ... well ... erotic. No sex acts, just posing in the nude. I can’t show them to you because I promised my friends that they would have the only prints. Jerry has seen them, of course, but only because he helps me during the shoot and producing the finished prints. What my friends do with the prints is their decision. A few I know about -- and others I suspect -- sell the pictures to magazines or internet sites, perhaps hoping to make even more money as a model.”

That gave Neil an idea but he said nothing because he would have to talk to TJ first. Wouldn’t it be nice, he thought, to have a photo of TJ, not to display or even show to anyone but just to remind himself of his lover’s magnificent body. But then he realized that TJ was only sixteen and it would be illegal to photograph him in the nude. Still, it was an idea he planned to discuss with TJ at some point.

During the examination of the portraits and the ensuing discussion, TJ couldn’t keep his mind off the incident before dinner. When Ramon put the portraits away, TJ said, “I’ve been thinking about the coach’s visit and I’ve come to a conclusion.” Looking at Neil, he continued, “But I need to get your reaction before I do anything.”

“What is it, TJ?” Neil asked.

“Do you two want to talk in private?” Ramon offered.

“No,” TJ quickly replied. “I’d like to have your opinion also. Here’s how I see things. I thought we were in a safe environment here because we’re all gay. However, it was careless to kiss when I knew you had let someone into the apartment. I should have known better. But the fact remains that I was caught in the act. Now here’s my concern. It may happen again. Somebody, sometime, somewhere, is going to find out that I’m gay. There’s a chance that it will get back to my parents.”

Neil interrupted, “We can be more careful, TJ.”

“That’s what we said after your father overheard us talking but look what just happened. I’m scared that my parents will hear about us before I can come out to them. More importantly, I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tired of having to sneak around pretending to be straight when I’m not. I think I should tell my parents the truth ... about me ... about us. If I don’t, I’ll have to make up another lie about not being on the swim team. The lies will just keep piling up. I’m tired of living a lie.”

“Are you sure?” Neil asked.

“Yes and no. Yes, because I want to be honest and because I don’t want somebody else to tell them. No, because it’s selfish to think only of myself. I need to know whether you agree. I don’t want to do anything that you object to. Tell me honestly what you think.”

Neil thought for a while and said, “Honestly? I think it’s risky. We’ve talked about this several times and weighed the potential consequences. Your parents, especially your father, will be disappointed. He may be angry and make life miserable for you. I’m afraid that misery would be worse than keeping our love a secret. I agree that your parents should hear it from us but maybe we should wait a while longer to tell them. In short, it’s a serious decision and we should take some time to consider it.”

TJ looked at Ramon and asked, “What’s your opinion?”

Ramon hesitated before saying, “First of all, I admire you, TJ, for not wanting to live a lie and even more for considering your parents’ feelings. I’m not sure I’m qualified to give you an opinion. I don’t know your parents like you do. I don’t know how they would react. Jerry and I faced a similar problem when we came out but we were out of school at the time. I think you have to be very careful about jeopardizing your education. Suppose, for example, that your father throws you out of the house when you turn 18 the way Cory’s father did. And you ought to consider the possibility of your father forbidding you to see Neil. I’m sure you don’t want that. You would either have to obey him or sneak behind his back. On the other hand, your parents may be disappointed and angry but, in time, accept the reality. In that case, the negative consequences would be minimal. You know best how your parents might react. And remember what I said: expect the unexpected. Your father may react like coach Harris did. Or he may react more like Aunt Isabel and continue to love you. I know I offered to give you advice. But in this case, you and Neil will have to make the decision after weighing every option and every risk. I guess I’m being no help, am I?”

Ramon and Neil sat silently, allowing TJ to wrestle with the problem and what he had heard. Eventually, he said, “Ramon, you said you were not much help. I disagree. You made some important points. And Neil, I appreciate your being honest and not simply agreeing with me. So I won’t tell my parents right away. I’m going to give it a lot more thought but it’s something I have to do.”

“There’s one thing I forgot to say,” Neil said. “If telling your parents is what you really want, I’ll stand by you. I’ll always stand by you!”

The two couples chatted for a while longer until Neil said, “Thanks for everything: for the hospitality, for the meal, and for your listening and advice. If you don’t mind, I think TJ and I need to go back to his house. We need to plan how to come out to his parents.”

“I’m glad you came by,” Ramon said. “Except for the coach’s outburst, I hope you enjoyed the rest of the evening. And please come back again.”

The four stood. TJ walked over to Ramon and gave him a hug, saying, “Thank you, Ramon. I really appreciate your friendship. You’ve been a tremendous help.”

“Keep in touch,” Ramon urged. “Let me know how things turn out with your parents. And call me if I can help, even if it’s only sympathetic listening.”

The teens were unusually quiet on the drive to TJ’s house but each knew the other was searching for a plan that would minimize the danger of TJ’s coming out.

TJ’s parents were at a dinner party and not yet home so the teens went immediately to TJ’s room. They laid on the bed talking, still clothed but cuddled together. They explored several scenarios and weighed the probable consequences, some of which were dire and others were little more than wishful thinking. After more than an hour, they had no plan.

Eventually, Neil said, “I think we ought to sleep on it. Maybe tomorrow, we can think of something.”

Perhaps because TJ was anxious, he misinterpreted Neil’s comment. “Sleep on it?” TJ asked. “You want to go to sleep?”

“Figure of speech, my love. It often helps to put aside a problem for a while. We may have a fresh outlook in the morning.”

“I suppose you’re right. But you know what I need right now? I need you more than ever. I need to make love to you. I need to know we’re not two people but that we are part of each other.”

“That’s something we agree on!”

The teens kissed passionately and before long were naked and engaged in loving foreplay. After they calmed down from their orgasms, TJ began to cry.

“It’s going to be all right, TJ. Things will work out. We’ll get through this together.”

TJ let out a slight chuckle through his tears, which surprised and confused Neil until TJ said, “They’re tears of joy. I’m just so very much in love with you and so happy that you love me.”

The next morning, Neil and TJ talked for an hour. After weighing all their alternatives and the potential consequences, they agreed on a plan to tell TJ’s parents of their relationship. It was far from perfect; there were lots of things that could go wrong but they agreed that they would go through with it.

Sunday brunch after church was a custom in the Ryerson home and Neil was always welcome to join in the meal. TJ was unusually quiet and noticeably nervous. When his mother asked if something was bothering him, he said, “No,” and gave his best effort at concealing his anxiety. He feared the storm that would follow his revealing his secret. He tried the mind game that Neil had coached him through before he arrived in Oklahoma but it wasn’t working.

When the meal was over, Mrs. Ryerson stood and began to clear the table.

“Mom,” TJ said. “Neil and I will clear the table. But first, we’d like to talk to you and Dad.”

Both of TJ’s parents were somewhat surprised at the request but Mrs. Ryerson sat back down and said, “What is it, dear?”

“Will it take long?” his father asked. “I have a tee time at one.”

“Not long, Dad. I just wanted to say two things. First of all, I love both of you very much and I’m deeply grateful for all the things you’ve done for me.”

“I love you, too, dear,” Mrs. Ryerson said.

“And I love you, son,” Mr. Ryerson added. “Even though I haven’t said so as often as I should.”

“Because I love you,” TJ continued, “You know that I don’t want to disappoint you or hurt you. However, I have to tell you something that may do just that. There’s no way to say this gently so let me come right out with it. I’m gay. Neil is gay. We’re in love and plan to spend our lives together.”

TJ’s father blurted out, “No you’re not, young man! I won’t allow it! Get that stupid idea out of your head!”

TJ’s mother, however, sat quietly, showing no discernable expression.

“Dad, one of the things you’ve taught me that I’m grateful for is the importance of being honest. Well, that’s what I’m doing. The truth is: I’m gay. I didn’t ‘choose’ to be gay; it’s what I am. I’ve known it for years but have kept it a secret. And it’s also true that Neil and I love each other.”

“You’re sixteen!” his father blared. “What do you know about love? You’re not a man yet! How can you be so sure that you’re homosexual?”

TJ found new strength from his father’s challenge, just as he did when competing in a swim meet, and replied with conviction, “Two or three years ago, Dad, I couldn’t have answered those questions. But I know now with absolute certainty that I’m gay and that I love Neil. Can you honestly say that your reaction would be the same if I told you I was in love with a girl? I don’t think so. Yes, I’m sixteen. But sixteen-year-olds fall in love all the time. And before you say it, I will admit that many of those sixteen-year-olds won’t stay in love with the same girl. How would I respond to that? Easy. I love a man! That’s not an easy thing to admit in this culture. It’s forced me to think through my feelings with extra rigor. I’ve examined my feelings constantly and always come to the same conclusion. I’m gay. Neil is gay. We love each other as deeply as you and Mom love each other.”

In an obvious change of tactic -- from logic to emotion -- his father said, “TJ, do you realize what a disappointment this is? Do you have any idea how it hurts your mother and me? How can you bring shame to the family like this?”

“I’m not telling you to hurt you. I love you too much for that. I’m telling you because you’ve taught me to be honest. I’m hoping that you will at least respect me for that. I realize that you are disappointed but you would be more disappointed if you knew that I was living a lie. I’m also aware of your reputation in church and with your political party. The Vice President has a gay daughter and is still successful in his career, I think that you can be also.”

TJ’s father experienced a very rare moment in which he felt he had lost control of a situation. Turning to his wife, he said, “Will you talk some sense into your son?”

“OUR son, Tom,” Mrs. Ryerson corrected and ignored the scowl she received from her husband. Ostensibly talking to TJ but using words she hoped would register with her husband, she said, “TJ, you know that we love you very much. We’re also proud of you for being honest. I’m confident that you have thought through your sexuality very carefully. I have to believe you when you say you and Neil love each other. When you and Neil became friends, we were both delighted. But over time, we couldn’t help but notice that you spent every available minute together. Recently, I’ve begun to wonder about your relationship but I couldn’t be sure of anything. Frankly, I’ve been half expecting this conversation.”

Mr. Ryerson could contain himself no longer and barked, “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

TJ’s mother showed uncharacteristic assertiveness in responding to her husband. “Because, my dear, I knew how you would react. I knew you would explode. I knew you would give TJ the third degree. And finally, if my suspicions were true, I trusted TJ to choose the time when he told us. And my trust in him was justified.”

The normally self-controlled lawyer turned his anger on his wife. “You mean you’re going to sit there and let this boy spout drivel about love and being queer?”

“Please don’t call him ‘this boy’, Tom. He’s a young man. More importantly, he’s our son and always will be. I, for one, love him and trust his judgment. Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I ashamed of him? Absolutely not! I’m proud of him and I don’t love him any less because he’s gay.”

Mr. Ryerson grew more agitated and almost yelled at his wife, “You’re as much as saying you approve of their disgusting relationship!”

“Dad,” TJ said in a pleading tone. “I’m sorry if I upset you because I DO love you. But please ... please ... don’t take it out on Mom. If you’re angry, be angry with me. That would hurt but it would hurt far more if I caused you and Mom to fight.”

Hoping to give her husband time to cool down, TJ’s mother turned to Neil and said, “You’ve been very quiet, Neil. I’m interested in hearing what you think.”

“Well, ma’am, I agree with everything TJ has said. Like him, I’m convinced that I’m gay. And I’m absolutely sure that I love him. I’m grateful that you raised him with the values of compassion, honesty, and character. I’m grateful that he honors me with his love.” He paused briefly before continuing. “Love. How can we convince you -- or anyone else -- that what we feel is love? I don’t think we can. But I’m reminded of a passage in a story by Tom Borden that I read once. It is so beautiful and expressed my feelings so well that I carry a copy of it in my wallet. May I read it you?”

“Please do,” Mrs. Ryerson said while her husband quietly fumed.

Neil retrieved a small piece of paper from his wallet while TJ’s mother smiled, his father scowled, and TJ, who knew nothing of what his lover was about to read, waited curiously and impatiently.

Neil began reading: “Love is nearly impossible to describe. It's like trying to describe a cool, fragrant breeze suddenly blowing over you on a hot, muggy day. But you'll know it; you'll know love when it hits you and sweeps over you. You'll know it when a certain exhilaration comes over you. You'll feel enlivened and your heart will quicken. A feeling of warmth and tenderness and endearment will take hold of you like a cramp in your middle. And with it will come passion, desire, and a yearning like nothing you have ever felt before."

Neil paused, laid down the piece of paper, and then added with clearly visible sincerity, “That’s how I feel about your son. That’s what makes me want to do everything I can to protect him from harm, to make him happy, to challenge him to be everything you want him to be ... well ... maybe not everything because he’s gay.” Turning to TJ’s father, he continued, “My fondest hope, sir, is that you’ll find it in your heart to understand our commitment to each other. You may not approve; all I ask is that you understand.”

“NO! I do not approve nor do I understand!” With that, TJ’s father stormed out of the dining room toward his study, leaving the teens emotionally exhausted and miserable.

“Give your father some time,” TJ’s mother consoled. “It’s a shock for him but I think he’ll settle down.” It was a prediction with little chance of coming true but it expressed the fervent hope of all three at the table.

TJ’s courage and self control left him. He dropped his head onto his folded arms on the table and cried.

Neil, ignoring a practiced inhibition over showing affection in the presence of others, moved closer to his lover and placed his arm around his shoulders. Mrs. Ryerson slid her chair to the other side of her son and laid her arm on top of Neil’s in an effort to comfort her son.

The support of his lover and his mother did little to diminish TJ’s grief and it was several minutes before he was able to stem the flow of tears.

He sat up, wiped his eyes with a napkin, and struggled to say, “Thanks, Mom, for understanding. I know you’re disappointed and you don’t approve. But I do love Neil. I just had to be honest with you. I only wish Dad could understand that.”

“It will be all right ... in time,” his mother said without fully believing it.

“Thanks for saying that, Mom. But we both know that he will never forgive me.”

“Never say never,” Neil cautioned. “Isn’t that what you told me when I lost my brother?”

“You lost your brother?” Mrs. Ryerson asked. “I’m sorry.”

“Not lost as in died, ma’am. When we were in Oklahoma, I told my family about TJ and me. My brother flew into a rage and won’t speak to me.”

“So your parents know?” the woman asked. “Does anyone else know your secret?”

“Just Ramon and his partner,” Neil replied, ignoring the fact that Isabel also knew.

“And the coach,” TJ added.

“Your swimming coach at school?” his mother asked incredulously.

“Yes, he found out last night when we were at Ramon’s for dinner. He threw me off the swim team.”

“That’s terrible,” she exclaimed. “Just because you’re gay?”

“Yes. That’s why we decided to tell you and Dad now. We were planning on telling you soon but if the coach knows, it’s a sure bet that he’ll tell others. We wanted you to hear it from us.”

“I have friends on the Board of Education. Let me see if I can get them to change his mind.”

“No, Mom. He may change his mind about my being on the team but he won’t change his mind about gays. He’ll make it very difficult for me, especially if he’s forced to take me back.”

“Well ... all right ... if that’s what you want. Right now, I think I need to talk to your father. Why don’t you two go up to your room? I suspect you need some private time together.”

Mrs. Ryerson knocked on the closed study door. Hearing no response, she violated an unspoken rule and opened the door. She saw her husband sitting in his recliner and staring blankly at the wall. “Tom?” she said. “We need to talk.”

“About what?” he said defiantly. “That my son is a faggot? That he has rejected what I’ve taught him?”

Ignoring the insulting epithet, she said, “We need to talk about what to do now, Tom.”

“No. We don’t. I know exactly what to do. TJ is sixteen, legally a minor. Neil is eighteen, legally an adult. Their relationship is a felony -- child molestation. I’m going to file for an injunction to prohibit Neil from seeing TJ.”

To be continued...

Posted:12/19/08