An Improbable Love II
By: Morris Henderson
(© 2008 by the author)
 

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

On the following Wednesday, Neil received a letter. Oddly, there was no return address on the envelope. Curious, Neil opened the envelope to find a letter from Cory:

Dear Neil,

I want to apologize for what I did to you. I don't expect you to forgive me and I'm not asking you to. But I hope you will believe me when I tell you how terrible I feel.

I came to campus to ask for your advice. You were absolutely right when you said I was arrogant, selfish, and foolish. It wasn't easy for me to admit that to myself but, believe it or not, I finally did. You are the only person with the courage and honesty to tell me that so I wanted your advice on how to control my sexual compulsion. Also, I hoped you could suggest how to find a meaningful relationship--apparently the kind that you and TJ have.

When I saw you asleep in bed with your bare chest and stomach exposed, I started down a slippery slope. In spite of the reason I drove all the way to campus to talk to you, I couldn't resist the temptation to peek at your body. I thought it would do no harm. But it did. I should have had sense not to do it but I yielded to the temptation. What I did after that was disgusting and I will always regret it. And by the way, your reaction was perfectly justified. I deserved what I got.

The experience taught me one thing. I'm a despicable fag, not a respectable gay man like you. I don't have your strength to resist temptation. I can't control what I say and do. Instead, I take any risk in the hope of getting an immediate and fleeting gratification. This may sound like self-hatred and perhaps it is but I think it's an honest analysis of what I am.

You told me once that I needed professional help. I didn't agree with you then but on the drive back home I came to the same conclusion. However, my parents would have to pay for it and therefore would have to know why. I came out to my parents on Sunday. I emphasized that I was gay but the help I needed was in controlling my destructive behavior. I begged for their understanding but their reaction was what I expected. My father yelled insults at me. I would have accepted his vicious insults if they were about my foolish behavior but he was condemning me for being gay. As if I had chosen to be what I am! My mother cried hysterically and left the room.

My father said, "I will not have a queer son! As of this moment, you are no longer my son! You have 24 hours to pack your things and get out! You're 19 years old so I'm no longer responsible for you."

The next day, he had not changed his mind so I've packed up a few things and will be leaving soon. Before I left, I wanted to apologize to you. I know you can't forgive me but I hope you can forget me and what I did.

Cory

P.S. Don't try to contact me by calling my parents. It would only upset them more. And don't worry about me, either. My plan is to become a hustler in a gay bar. A gay whore is not the best of careers but there are lots of old men who will pay for sex and it will give me what I want - money to live on and lots of sex.

Neil re-read the letter and cried--for the lost soul he had viciously beaten, for the abandoned son whose parents were so cruel, for the bigotry that stigmatizes homosexuality, and for the suffering of an intelligent but unwise young man.

CHAPTER SIX

TJ answered his cell phone one evening to hear, “Hi, TJ. This is Ramon. I haven’t talked to you for a while and I wanted to see how you are.”

“Fine, Ramon. Everything is wonderful.”

“I’ll take that to mean that you and Neil are still together?”

“Yes, although we can’t see each other except on weekends because he’s at school and I’m volunteering at the Food Bank and Meals-on-Wheels.”

“That’s good! Not that you can’t see each other during the week but that you’re still together. You’re a lovely couple. I sensed that when you and he were over for dinner. But I must admit that I’ve been worried about whether you’ve encountered any difficulties with your secret relationship.”

TJ paused, wondering whether to reveal the problems they had faced. “A few, perhaps. But we worked through them.”

“You know my offer still stands. If you ever want to talk to somebody who knows what it’s like, I’d be happy to listen and, if I can, give advice.”

“We both appreciate your offer, Ramon. Perhaps we’ll take you up on it one day.”

“How about Saturday night? Jerry and I would really love to have you over for dinner again. You already know he’s a wonderful cook and loves company. You probably don’t know that he asks about you often. Are you free Saturday? Please say yes.”

“I’d like to come, Ramon, but I’d like to check with Neil.”

“Of course! Just let me know so I can alert Jerry. I’m sure he’ll be delighted.”

“I’ll call you right back. Okay?”

After calling Neil, who was pleased with the invitation, TJ called Ramon and agreed to come to his apartment around four on Saturday.

Following an afternoon of swimming on Saturday, the teens showered, dressed, and left for Ramon and Jerry’s apartment. They were not nearly as nervous as they had been the first time they visited Isabel’s nephew and his partner. Indeed, they were eager to visit.

Ramon answered the door with a wide grin and immediately gave them each a hug. “It’s great to see you both again,” he gushed. “Come into the kitchen to say hello to Jerry and then we’ll leave him alone to work his wonders with the meal.”

Settling in the living room, with TJ and Neil next to each other on the couch and Ramon in a recliner, they chatted amiably for a few minutes about school, work, and the unseasonably hot weather.

“It occurred to me on the way over,” TJ said, “that the first time we visited was on the pretense of seeing some of your portrait work. We never got around to that, did we?”

Ramon laughed and said, “No, but it was a convenient excuse for you to visit.”

“If we have time,” TJ said. “And if you don’t mind, I’d really like to see some of your work.”

“Maybe after dinner,” Ramon offered. “But that reminds me. A customer will be dropping by sometime tonight to pick up some proofs. I photographed him Wednesday night. I hope you won’t mind the interruption.”

“Not at all,” TJ said.

“Before he comes and while Jerry is busy fixing dinner, tell me how things are going with you two. I don’t want to pry but, to be candid, I’ve worried about your relationship. Not that you don’t love each other -- I know you do -- but it has to be difficult keeping it a secret.”

TJ and Neil looked at each other as if to gauge their lover’s willingness to talk about the problems they had faced. With subtle facial expressions that only two lovers would recognize, they agreed to relate what they had gone through together.

Neil spoke first. “I think I can speak for both of us to say that our love for each other has grown. However, not everything has been perfect. Since we’re both in school, we can’t live together like you and Jerry. We only see each other on weekends. And, except for a very few people, nobody knows we’re lovers so we always have to be on guard. We learned the consequences of not being careful.”

Neil paused as he recalled the premature revelation in Oklahoma of their relationship and the pain of his brother’s vehement rejection.

Ramon recognized Neil’s distress and waited for him to continue, not wanting to force him to talk about it unless he wanted to. TJ also noticed his partner’s anguish and took Neil’s hand, squeezing it to signal his sympathy and support.

During the momentary silence, Neil decided to continue. After all, he reasoned, Ramon seemed genuinely interested and would no doubt understand. He proceeded to explain how his father learned of the relationship, coming out to his family, and his brother’s fury. He concluded by saying, “I was pleased with my parents’ acceptance but losing a brother whom I love was -- still is -- painful. I call home frequently but if my brother answers the phone, he hangs up and doesn’t even tell my parents that I called.”

“I’m sorry, Neil,” Ramon said. “What you went through -- and are apparently still going through -- is one of the unfortunate consequences of being gay. I don’t like to say this but my experience tells me that you will face similar problems in the future. There are people who will condemn you, maybe people that you love, like, or respect. On the bright side, however, there will be people -- like your parents -- who will continue to be your friend and love you. It’s impossible to predict how others will react. In my case, Aunt Isabel was my biggest surprise. As you know, she’s very religious and I was afraid that she would think of me as a degenerate sinner. However, she couldn’t have been more supportive and loving. She was very influential in helping my mother accept my homosexuality. On the other hand, I had good friends who I expected would accept my being gay but they abandoned me and haven’t even spoken to me. I suppose what I’m trying to say is to expect the unexpected. But above all, cherish the love you and TJ share. Losing your brother’s love is a heavy price to pay but having a life partner is priceless.”

Neil looked at TJ lovingly and said, “I knew my brother would not understand but it was a risk I was willing to take. Having your love means everything to me.”

“Which is less than my love for you, Neil.” TJ responded.

“Hey!” Ramon exclaimed. “Don’t get into an argument about who loves the other the most!” They all laughed and Ramon continued, “So everything else has been okay for you?”

The teens once again looked at each other and, with slightly raised eyebrows and nods, sought and received agreement to say more.

TJ began, “Well ... not everything. I was a fool. I got angry at Neil. I didn’t trust Neil like I should have.”

“You were not a fool!” Neil interrupted emphatically. “Based on what you saw, it’s completely understandable that you were hurt and angry.”

TJ then told Ramon about the incident with Cory, his shock, his anger, and -- after it was all over -- his guilt feelings for thinking the worst of Neil.

Neil then described the letter he had received from Cory and his own guilt for the way he had beaten the misguided young man and threw him out of the room.

Ramon, who had been listening intently, paused before saying, “Well, if you will permit me to express an opinion, neither one of you should feel guilty. Neil, your reaction to Cory’s unforgivable behavior was understandable. Moreover, based on what you’ve told me about Cory, I suspect that his decision to become a male prostitute may have been inevitable. And TJ, your reaction to a traumatic situation is just what anyone might expect. Finally, I have to commend you both for putting it behind you and restoring your love. But, if I may, I’d like to ask you a question. What did you learn from the experience?”

TJ quickly responded, “I learned that things aren’t always as they seem. I learned that I have to be more trusting.”

“Is that all?” Ramon asked TJ.

The question stymied the young teen. What more could there be? What was Ramon trying to say?

“Let me put it another way,” Ramon said. “Suppose you found out that Neil had sex -- willingly -- with another man.”

“I would never do that!” Neil exclaimed.

“Never say never,” Ramon countered. “I’m not suggesting that you would. I’m just trying to make you both think through a situation without having emotion cloud your reasoning.”

TJ thought for a moment and said, “I suppose we should talk about it.”

“Suppose?” Ramon asked in a confrontational tone.

TJ grew uncomfortable, a feeling he often had when he felt his father was cross-examining him. Neil sensed his lover’s anxiety and quickly came to his defense, saying, “I agree with TJ! In fact, we’ve had several conversations in which we promised to always be honest with each other, to express our thoughts and feelings. We know that’s crucial to maintaining a loving relationship.”

“That’s good, Neil” Ramon said as he smiled. “But let me ask another question. Suppose you did have sex with another man ... as unlikely as you think that might be. Would you be honest and tell TJ? And TJ, if you had sex with someone else, would you tell Neil?”

“Yes,” TJ said, hoping to say what Ramon wanted to hear.

Neil, however, was more circumspect and said, “I don’t know. What I mean is that to have sex with another person would mean that I felt the same way about him as I do about TJ. But let me be very clear. I’m not the least bit like Cory. I love TJ more than I can possibly express. It’s completely unimaginable how I could ever feel that way about someone else. Your question is hypothetical and -- with all due respect, Ramon -- it’s offensive.”

“My apologies if I offended either of you. My only purpose was to make a single, very important point. Any loving relationship, especially a gay one, can be a fragile thing. Each of you will have to cling ferociously to your love and let that dominate your thinking. You will have to work hard -- every day -- to protect and cherish it. You may face difficult situations ... no, let me say you WILL face them ... and your first priority must always be doing whatever it takes to nurture your relationship. Jerry and I love each other but our love has been tested several times. Fortunately, we’ve been able to work through our problems. It wasn’t always easy but I can assure you it was worth it. Finally, let me add that your devotion to each other is obvious to me and I want you to know that I stand ready if I can help you be happy together.”

Before either teen could reply, the doorbell rang and Jerry called from the kitchen, “Can you get that, love?” I’m tied up sautéing the meat at the moment.”

When Ramon had gone down the short hallway to answer the door, TJ and Neil ignored the muffled conversation as Ramon greeted the guest. Instead, they hugged and reaffirmed their love and lasting commitment to each other, ending with a meaningful kiss.

As they broke their kiss, TJ noticed with alarm that Ramon and another man had entered the living room. The visitor stood looking at the teens in shocked disbelief. In an instant, TJ panicked. The caller was his swimming coach! Worse, the coach and TJ’s father attended the same church and were good friends. TJ immediately saw his idyllic world shatter because the coach, as homophobic as his father, would surely tell his father what he had witnessed.

Ramon was only mildly surprised to see the teens kissing. They were, after all, in love. However, he thought it was a bit careless to do so while he was letting a stranger into the apartment. Then, he saw TJ’s fear. Embarrassment would be understandable but why should he be so afraid?

Neil, on the other hand, knew why TJ panicked. He recognized the coach and immediately understood the potentially dire consequences of their innocent kiss.

Neither TJ nor Neil were able to muster, on a moment’s notice, any words that would ease the palpable tension in the room.

The coach, however, was not so restrained and exclaimed, “TJ! What the hell is going on? And don’t make any excuses!”

TJ’s fear turned into terror as he realized that his coach would tell his dad and may even cut him from the swim team at school. Neil didn’t know of the coach’s friendship with TJ’s father and therefore didn’t fully understand the intensity of his boyfriend’s trauma. However, he did know that TJ was an emotional wreck and was frustrated because he didn’t know how to comfort his lover -- certainly not with a hug.

Ramon had more presence of mind and said, “It seems you’ve already met one of my dinner guests, Mr. Harris. The other young man is...”

Ignoring Ramon’s attempt to introduce Neil, the coach demanded, “I asked you a question, TJ. What the hell do you think your doing?”

“Please sit down, Mr. Harris.” Ramon said. “I think we need to talk.”

Coach Harris turned to Ramon and exclaimed, “You’re damn right we do! I need an explanation for the disgusting behavior I saw!”

“Please, Mr. Harris. Sit down. I think you’ll find what I have to say interesting.”

Grudgingly, the coach took a seat, glared at TJ, and then turned his attention to Ramon.

“Remember when you called me to ask if I could make a portrait of you? Why did you call me instead of a regular photography studio?”

“You know why!” the coach said irritably. “TJ’s father recommended you. He was impressed by the portraits that his housekeeper had shown him.”

“So you came to my apartment, I showed you some of my work, and you asked me to photograph you. Why did you choose me over a hundred other photographers?”

“What the hell has this got to do with what I saw?” the coach objected loudly.

Very calmly, Ramon said, “Bear with me just a minute. Why did you choose me?”

“Because I liked your work! I told you that before.”

“Now,” Ramon continued while TJ and Neil puzzled over Ramon’s line of questions. “When you came to pose for the portraits, I introduced you to Jerry, who lives here with me. What was your impression of him?”

Coach Harris seemed to be distracted from his initial outrage and somewhat calmer in tone. “Nice enough fellow. Perhaps a little too excitable.”

“Yes, he is energetic, isn’t he? Did you think it was strange that two men shared an apartment?”

“Of course not. It’s a practical way to same money, what with the cost of housing around here.”

“Let me make sure I understand. Correct me if I’m wrong. You respected my work and my professional ability.” Ramon paused very briefly to give the coach a chance to disagree and then continued. “You thought that I was trustworthy. You thought living here with Jerry was not unusual.”

Ramon paused again but, sensing the coach’s impatience with what he likely thought was a diversion from what he saw, he moved quickly to his conclusion. “Would it be fair to say that you have a favorable impression of me and of Jerry?”

“Yes, but can we get back to the real issue here? I saw two young men hugging and kissing! In your apartment! How could you allow such a thing to happen?”

“Mr. Harris, let me ask one more question and then we’ll talk about TJ and Neil. You’ve said that you have a favorable impression of me and of Jerry. Suppose I told you that he and I are gay. We’re not just room mates, we’re lovers.”

The coach was visibly stunned by the revelation but Ramon continued, “We are as committed to each other as any man and wife. How does that change our professional competence? Does that change your respect for us? Does it change your opinion of our hospitality when you first approached me about doing your portrait ... when you came here for the portrait sitting ... or tonight when you dropped by to pick up the proofs? Are we suddenly the opposite of what you thought of us just because Jerry and I want to spend our lives together?”

Flustered, the coach stammered, “Well, I ... I certainly wouldn’t have hired you if I knew you were homosexual!”

“Why?”

The coach seemed, for a moment, to be at a loss for words but finally said, “Because homosexuality is a sin against nature!”

“And that means I don’t do quality work? Does it mean that I am less trustworthy?”

The coach was cornered and came out fighting. “Young man! I’m not in the habit of supporting -- financially or otherwise -- people who engage in deviant, unnatural behavior! Never have! Never will!”

The irrationality of the coach’s response was obvious to everyone except the coach but Ramon calmly continued, “In that case, Mr. Harris, I will not accept your money. As I explained to you in our first conversation, portraiture is my hobby and not my livelihood. If you still want the finished portrait, just select from the proofs and I’ll finish the work. Now, let’s talk about what you saw here tonight.”

“And it’s about damn time! I suppose you’re going to tell me that these two are also degenerate homosexuals!”

Finally showing his impatience with the coach’s bigotry, Ramon said, “No! They are not degenerates! They are fine young men ... mature, intelligent, talented human beings!”

The coach turned to the two teens and blared, “But you are homosexual, aren’t you?”

TJ, had gained a measure of control over his emotions. Realizing that there was no way to explain away the kiss, he said defiantly, “Yes. We’re gay. It’s who we are, not a life style choice. More importantly, we are deeply in love with each other and are dedicated to bringing joy to each other for the rest of our lives. You may not approve of our relationship but that doesn’t change how we feel. Let me assure you that loving Neil is the most wonderful thing that’s happened to me. Losing him would be unbearable. You can condemn us if you want to. You can tell my father who will probably condemn us also. But if you do, you will be causing pain to me, to Neil, and to my parents.”

“You’re right about my condemning your disgusting behavior! But you’re wrong if you think I’m going to forget what I saw and what I now know you are.”

“If I may, Coach Harris,” Neil began. “I’d like to say something. TJ was also right when he said we love each other. He and I have talked about telling his parents of our love. It’s something we know we must do. But please. Let us do it at a time and in a way that will minimize their disappointment. TJ loves his parents and I have great respect for them. Neither of us wants to hurt them more than necessary. Don’t you think it would be better if they heard it from us? Don’t you think they would be shocked and shamed to hear it from someone else? You’re free to condemn us if you must but please consider TJ’s parents. Don’t punish us by hurting them.”

The coach sat silently for several moments while TJ and Neil hoped fervently that he would keep the secret. Ramon was also silent, admiring both teens’ handling of the explosive situation.

Finally, the coach said, “All right. I won’t tell your parents. But make no mistake. I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it out of respect for your parents.”

“Thank you, coach,” TJ said.

“I don’t want your thanks, young man! And I don’t want you on the swim team, either. School starts in two weeks. Don’t even think about showing up for practice. I won’t have any queers in the shower, the locker room, or the pool.”

TJ was stunned by the coach’s cutting him from the team and began to object, “But, Coach...”

“But nothing!” the coach barked. “You’re off the team!”

The coach stood, threw the proofs in Ramon’s lap, and said, “I’ll take my business elsewhere.” He then stormed out of the apartment.

TJ sat dejectedly. He had thought it was likely that he would be chosen team captain and also possible to win the state competition. That would have been the highlight of his senior year in high school. All those hopes were now trashed.

Neil put his arms around TJ and held him tight. Words of solace would be futile but the hug communicated sympathy, support, and profound love. TJ collapsed into his lover’s arms like a rag doll whose stuffing had been cruelly removed.

Ramon decided to leave the room to give the two teens some private time together. He was furious over the coach’s bigoted irrationality and was afraid of voicing his anger in front of the suffering boys. Entering the kitchen, he said to Jerry, “I suppose you heard what that bastard said.”

“Yes. It was all I could do to keep from walking in there and giving him a piece of my mind.”

Ramon pounded the kitchen table and said, “I don’t know what to do to help them. I don’t know what to say to relieve their pain. TJ is crushed over losing his place on the swim team.”

Jerry felt sorry for Neil and TJ and also felt sorry for his lover whom he knew acutely felt the boys’ pain. “Give them some time to get over the insults and spiteful punishment. “I don’t know if anything can help them right now, Ramon. But if there’s anyone who can help, it’s you. You’re always right there to do and say the right thing at the right time when people are hurting. It’s one of the biggest reasons I love you.”

“That’s sweet of you to say, Jerry, but I wish I could do something for them right now.”

“Maybe there is. Go back in there and tell TJ that you’re on his side. Right now, he has only Neil. I think just being there with him ... for him ... would mean a lot.”

Ramon gave his lover a quick thank-you kiss and returned to the living room where he sat on the sofa next to TJ. The despondent teen was startled and very embarrassed that he was crying on Neil’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” TJ blubbered. “You must think I’m a real baby for crying.”

“Not at all,” Ramon said as he put his hand on TJ’s knee. “Crying when you’re sad is as natural and as healthy as laughing when you’re happy. We should all do more of it.” Ramon paused before adding, “I just want you to know that I admire you both and that I’ve grown to love you both for your courage and your character. I’m honored to be your friend and I hope you’ll let me help in any way I can.”

“Courage?” TJ asked incredulously.

“Yes. It took a lot of guts to tell your coach that you were gay instead of making up some flimsy excuse. And Neil, your argument against telling TJ’s parents was masterful.”

“He was wonderful, wasn’t he,” TJ said. “Is it any wonder why I love him?”

Ramon then said, “Why don’t you go into the bathroom and freshen up. I’ve found that a cold, wet wash cloth on the face helps a lot when I cry.”

“You cry?” TJ asked.

“Frequently. And I’m not ashamed of it. Now freshen up. Jerry will have dinner ready in about 20 minutes.”

To be continued...

Posted:12/12/08