Like a Promised Sunrise

By: JWSmith
(© 2012 by the author)
Editor:  Rock Hunter

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 5

Eight days after kicking Judd and Annie out, the street buzzer sounded. I shuffled over to the intercom and asked who was buzzing. In answer I got a continuous buzz, out of desperation I hit the release for the gate. The telephone rang. I ignored it and the answering machine picked it up. I heard the lift coming up, so I rolled open the door and leaned on the jam. I think I was expecting to see Judd and was shocked to see Annie and Lee step out of the lift. Annie looked at me and said, "You look like something chewed you up and digested you."

Lee, who is six foot tall and beautiful, but more manly than me, agreed with a grin. "Yeah, your eye is really colorful – Annie told me he hit you.” She sniffed and wrinkled her nose. “You look like shit and you smell, too. Damn, Jace, when did you last shower?"

"I wasn't exactly expecting company." I said as I shrugged, stepped aside, and motioned for them to enter.

Liz walked up to Annie and curled around her legs, caressing her with her head. She picked Liz up and held her on her shoulder. There was a clear loud message there, but I ignored it.

"Thanks for the compliments, ladies. Why are you here?" I wasn't being friendly.

"Where’s Judd?"

"How should I know? I kicked him out, remember?"

"You're kidding. You haven't seen or heard from him?"

"No. I assumed that he’d go straight to you."

"You are about the stupidest man I've ever met. I'm a Dyke, a Lesbian. I have a Girl Friend. Get It?" She screamed at me, then in a calmer voice, said, "I haven't seen or heard from him either."

I stared blankly at her. She glanced at the answering machine on my desk. The red light was blinking.

"When was the last time you answered your phone?"

I shrugged. "Not since he left."

She punched the playback button. The first message was from Judd. "Damn, Jace, I wish you’d answer the phone. Don't you understand? Annie's like a little sister to me. God, I’d never think of having sex with her. I'll call you back later."

There were many beeps from the machine indicating calls with no messages. There were quite a few messages from other people that Annie fast-forwarded, searching for more from Judd. And then the message recorded just minutes before while I had waited for the lift bringing up Annie and Lee.

"Jace, I feel like I'm going to die." His words were so slurred it was difficult to understand them. "I'm seeing black spots... I've only got one bottle left... I just want to tell you one last time... I'm sorry for making you mad at me... I love you." There were pauses like he was having difficulty thinking. And then there was a longer pause. We could hear him weeping. And then, "Bye, Jace."

I began to realize what I’d done in my jealous rage. Devastated, I was shaking, my eyes felt like hollow pits. "I've got to go find him," I whispered.

"Did he say where he was going when he left?" Lee asked.

"He left a note." I rushed into the kitchen, fell to my knees and scurried around looking for it. I hadn't done any housekeeping, so it had to still be there. I found it, smoothed it out, and handed it to Annie. She called information and then the motel. Yes, he was still registered there. Did we know him? Would we, please, come get him?

"Where are your damn car keys?" Annie asked when she hung up.

I handed them to her. She motioned for Lee to bring me along and headed to the lift. When we got to the Jeep, Lee pushed me into the back seat and got behind the wheel. Annie climbed into the passenger seat, handing her the keys.

As we flew down the 10, Annie turned and started telling me off. "If I were a man, I'd beat some sense into you. I've never seen anyone so much in love as Judd is with you. You are one sick fucker to do this to him."

All I could do was hang my head and agree with her.

When we arrived at the motel, Annie ran in and got a key to his room. The desk clerk informed her that Judd hadn't let anyone in to clean since he’d checked in. The only thing he’d observed him taking into the room with him was a liquor box, which he speculated was filled with bottles of booze.

We pulled into the back of the complex and Annie and Lee ran up the stairs to his room. I followed. They left the door open when they went in. The stench made me gag even before I got to the door; stale booze and vomit are not pleasant. Judd was lying on the bathroom floor hugging an empty bottle. He was on his side with his knees pulled up to his chest, his head resting on the base of the toilet bowl in a puddle of vomit and spilled whiskey.

Annie opened the blinds and windows. Lee took the bottle from his hands and lifted him up, saying, “At least, we won't have to make him puke.”

Holding him under his arms from the back, she ordered me to strip him. She then headed toward the shower with him. I came to my senses somewhat and stopped her. "Let me. I caused this mess. Let me clean him up."

I kicked off my shoes and took him into the shower. My guilt overwhelmed me. I bathed him while crying the whole time. I am such an ass to have done this to this wonderful young man. I wondered if he would ever forgive me.

After I got him dried off, Annie threw a blanket around him, I picked him up, and we headed for the Jeep. We took him to the UCLA Medical Center Hospital, which was faster than waiting for an ambulance. He was admitted immediately into their detox ward. We were told there was nothing we could do for at least two days.

I looked through the window at him. He was strapped down with tubes in his mouth and arms. God, that it was me lying there instead of him. Please, God, I prayed, let him be able to forgive me for driving him to this.

My wet clothes were beginning to dry, only to make me feel more miserable. We went back to the motel, where I went into the office and settled up his bill, leaving an extra hundred for cleaning the room. Lee drove me back to the loft and Annie followed in Judd's pickup. I invited them up for a cup of coffee, and was surprised when they accepted.

Annie scrambled me some eggs and toasted some bread even though I still didn't feel like eating. Lee told me she’d force feed me if I didn't eat. I hate to be force-fed, so I ate. It certainly didn't taste like Judd's eggs.

I started crying again. I asked Annie to forgive me for being a jealous ass and making stupid accusations.

"That depends totally on Judd. Maybe he can forgive you. If he does, then I will. But you certainly don't deserve it," she told me. I could only agree. Through all of this Lee had held her tongue.

When they left, I showered, shaved, and put on clean clothes. I washed the dishes that had piled up in the sink for the last two weeks, cleaned the entire place and did the laundry. When I finished, I sat down and let the emptiness of my soul fill the room. I wanted to impress indelibly in my sick mind what this felt like, while recalling what Judd's presence had felt like, too. The rest of the day passed without me being aware of it passing.

The place was getting dark when my bladder finally brought me back to the real world. After relieving myself, I wandered heedlessly around the room. I wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself, but the despicable act I’d committed out of stupid jealousy kept the tears away. I picked up one of his textbooks and small sheet of paper fluttered to the floor. I picked it up and read it. It was a poem Judd had written to me. It was dated the day before I had kicked him out.

12/3/02

Jace,

Like a promised sunrise, you ascend into my day,

The brightness of your eyes lights up my world.

With you, I'm where I belong,

Protected in your arms.

I have never felt so strong.

Judd

When I read it, all I could think of was that I had taken his strength from him. Would he survive if that was how he really felt?

I went back to the hospital and begged the nurse to let me just sit with him. I looked so miserable that she relented, figuring it might be beneficial to me.

I moved a straight chair next to the bed and held his hand. I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I knew there was a gentle hand shaking my shoulder. The day was brightening outside. I must have slept the whole night for the first time since I’d forced Judd out.

"Mr. Deason, Judd is going to be in a coma for at least another day. Why don't you go home and get some breakfast and clean up? I'll call you personally if there is any change."

Later that morning, I went back to the hospital. The doctor was just coming out of his room.

"Good morning, Doctor, I'm Judd Deason's uncle. How’s he doing?"

"Mr. Deason, we have young people come in here from alcohol abuse all the time, and frankly I'm amazed that he’s even alive. We've got most of the alcohol out of his system now, so he’ll be having withdrawals soon. If we can get him through that, then we’ll see how he's going to fare. There’s often brain and neural as well as liver damage from such extreme abuse. We simply won't know until he’s completely dry and awake. Pray, Mr. Deason. Pray."

He turned and walked out of the room, leaving me to deal with what he’d just told me. I went into Judd's room. He looked dead, but the monitor above the bed said differently. It gave out a steady beep in time with his heart. I knelt and held his hand to my cheek.

"Judd, I don't know if you can hear me, but I want you to know that I am so sorry. I love you, Judd. Please come back to me. I love you so much."

I don't know how to pray. I've never been in a church. I grew up on a ranch. It was too far to go into town just to go to church. Mom had a bible, but I never saw her reading it, my dad sure didn't. I figured I would just talk to Him... if He was even around to listen.

"God, you made Judd the way he is. I can't see how you would punish him because of that. What he's done was stupid, but it was my fault he did it. So if You’re hearing what I'm saying, I'm asking You to not punish him for this. If You feel the need to punish someone, punish me."

I sat beside his bed until noon. I hadn't eaten since Annie’s eggs. My stomach was beginning to protest, so I went down to the cafeteria, bought a sandwich and a carton of milk and I forced it down.

When I got back up to his room, Annie and Lee were sitting in the waiting room. Lee was patting her hand, consoling her. I went in and folded into a chair.

"Have you talked to the doctor?" Annie asked.

I buried my face in my hands and nodded.

"And?"

"It doesn't look good."

"You son of a bitch, tell her what the doctor said." Lee had no compassion for me, but then I deserved none.

"He’ll be going into withdrawals soon. It may involve convulsions. If and when he does wake up, he may have neurological - or brain damage. He definitely has liver damage, but that will repair itself." I was speaking to the floor, and when I finished there was total silence for a few minutes.

"You fucked up, uncaring bastard!" Annie was standing over me. With each word, she hit me with her fist on the side of my head. I let her. If she had taken a cat-o’-nine-tails to me, I wouldn't have flinched. I deserved any kind of punishment that could be dealt to me. No, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. I hated what I’d done and I wished to be punished for it. "I think I could easily kill you with my bare hands... God!" She screamed and hit me again. "To think how much he loves you, and you and your stupid jealousy did this to him. God damn you, Jace Deason. God damn you."

A stern looking nurse appeared in the doorway with her fists on her hips.  Lee nodded to her apologetically, gathered Annie into her arms, caressing her back, soothing her. "Leave him alone, Love. He's paying for it. Come on, let me take you home."

Annie allowed herself to be led away. At the door, she turned back and said, "You call me if there's any change... please." They left.

I dragged myself back into his room and for hours just sat holding his hand, talking quietly to him. He lay like a dead man, not moving a muscle. And then without warning he started convulsing. He was strapped down so there was no possibility of him falling off the bed or tearing the tubes out of his arms.

I hit the panic button and ran to the door yelling for help. It came fast, two doctors and three nurses were immediately there. One of the nurses ushered me out of the room and told me to go sit down.

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Annie. When she answered, I told her the convulsions had started. There was a sob and then a click as she hung up on me. I don't know how long I sat there on the edge of the chair with my head in my hands, but a hand on my shoulder brought me back from wherever my mind had fled. I looked up and saw the doctor smiling. My heart did a flip... was there hope?

"Mr. Deason, the convulsions were very mild. Our new medications did their job well. With any luck he should come around tomorrow," he said.

He took my jaw in his hand and turned my head, looking at the bruises Annie had dealt me.

"An ice pack on those will make them feel better. I'll tell a nurse to bring you one."

I nodded and buried my head again. After I got my emotions under control, I went back into his room. Even with the drugs they’d given him, I could see a difference in his demeanor. He was beginning to look alive. The eye movement under his lids was very active. He was breathing more deeply, too. He looked like he was just sleeping and that he’d soon wake up. A nurse brought me an ice pack and a couple of Tylenol. I thanked her and laid them on the table.

I sat and held his hand, talking to him until 11 pm. The nurse insisted I go home and get some rest. She promised she would call if there was any change. I didn't want to go, but I followed her advice. After showering, I lay down and passed out. The phone woke me.

"Jace, good morning, am I too late to speak to my son? I know he leaves for school some mornings at some ungodly hour."

"Betty Jean?"

"Yes, did I wake you?"

"Oh God, Betty Jean, I forgot to call you."

"What's wrong, Jace. Why were you going to call me?"

"Judd's..." My voice quit working. I was gulping air like a fish out of water.

"Jace, what's wrong with Judd... talk to me, Jace," she yelled. "Tom... Tom, something’s wrong with Judd. Get on the phone, maybe you can get Jace to talk."

"Jace, this is Tom. What's wrong with Judd?"

"He's... he's... in... a coma." Once I got that out, the rest came out easier. I told them honestly what had happened. They asked concerned questions about his condition, but there was no condemnation.

"I'll call you back in half an hour," Tom said.

I fed the cats, made coffee, showered and dressed. I still had fifteen minutes. I toasted a bagel, spread some cream cheese on it and took a bite. The phone rang. I spit the bite out and answered it. It was Tom.

"Jace, I will be arriving at LAX at 3:47 this afternoon. Southwestern Flight 834. Please meet me."

"I'll be there."

"Good. See you."

I went back to the hospital and sat with Judd until 3:00. I got on 405 and headed to the airport. I had forgotten about the hideous traffic from the 10 to Sepulveda. I crept along with it to Howard Hughes Blvd., then turned off and went streets. I arrived late. Tom was standing on the curb with his bags. I pulled up to him and apologized, blaming the L.A. traffic. We were back on 405 North before he spoke.

"So what is his condition?"

"The doctor seems to think it is very promising. He has responded well to the medications. His brain activity has increased dramatically. They expect him to regain consciousness momentarily."

"Hmm." He stared straight ahead for a couple of minute. I kept glancing at him, waiting for recriminations. Finally he turned and looked at me.

"You look like something the dogs dragged in and chewed on for a few days. You doin’ okay?" He drawled.

"I'm holding it together for the moment."

"Jealousy is a nasty thing, isn't it?"

"I'm going into therapy as soon as Judd gets back on his feet," I said.

There was another long pause.

"That boy has worshiped you as long as I can remember. He became very introverted for a while after you left home. When he started high school he began to talk about how he was going to be a famous writer just like his Uncle Jace.” He paused again. A minute or so passed before he asked, “You think he's really going to be all right?"

"Dear God, I pray so. I’ll never forgive myself for what I've done. If he's not all right... I don't know how I’ll be able to handle it."

"You'll have to. He loves you, Jace. So you’ll just have to handle whatever happens as best you can."

"I'm not worthy of his love."

He studied me a moment before saying, "So... you'll just have to strive to be, won't you?"

This is the most that Tom and I had ever talked. He reminded me a lot of how Dad used to be, except Tom was kinder and gentler.

We went straight up to Judd's room when we got to the hospital. The doctor was sitting in the nurse's station doing paper work. Tom went over to him. "I'm Judd's father, Doc, what’s your prognosis?"

The doctor looked up at him and then at me. "It’s amazing how much you three resemble each other. We're thinking Judd's going to come through this pretty well. We're hoping there’s no motor damage, and I personally think that he won't have any brain dysfunction. But it's up to him at this point. He may be fighting to not wake up. Actually, I think the best thing for him now is for you two to talk to him. Coach him to wake up." He looked at me. "From what I understand from the two women, you should be in there telling him how you feel about him. That may be the key to bringing him out of this coma. Go give it a try."

We went into Judd's room. He looked healthier than even earlier in the day. There was some color back in his cheeks, less pallor. Tom ran his hand through his son's hair and caressed his check.

"Hello, Son, don't you think it’s time to wake up? You've been sleeping a long time. Judd, wake up and say 'hi' to your ol' dad."

The rapid eye movement stopped. His breathing sped up a bit, but still he didn't open his eyes. Tom looked at me and motioned for me to talk to him. I sat down beside him on the bed and took his hand in mine. I looked at Tom and he nodded his head. I leaned forward and kissed Judd on his lips. I lay my head against his and spoke softly to him.

"Judd, come back to me, please. I love you and I need you with me. I've been a total fool. Please, Judd, I need you to forgive me. I love you, Judd. I'm so sorry for what I've done to you. Please forgive me. Come back to me, Judd." I sat up. A single tear welled in each of his eyes and rolled down the sides of his face. But still he didn't open his eyes. I sat and watched him. His breath became shallow again. The R.E.M.s resumed after a few minutes.

We took turns talking to him for the rest of the day, but there was no more response from him. The girls stopped in during regular visiting hours and Annie took a turn talking to him. He’d closed us all out and wasn't listening any more. When they left, I'm sure they were more down-hearted than ever. Tom took a break around nine and went down to the cafeteria to call home to give Betty Jean a report.

As soon as he left, I pulled the sheet down to Judd's waist and pulled the silly gown off of him. I started massaging his chest and sides. I continued talking to him as I rubbed his arms, his shoulders, and up to his scalp. I leaned down and kissed him, he moaned. I continued with my tactile stimulation, rubbing back down his torso, his thighs, his calves, and his feet. His cock was hard as a rock now. Still he didn’t wake up. I took his cock in my hand and squeezed it a bit. That got another moan out of him. I was talking to him continually.

"Oh, Judd, you don't know how much I've miss your beautiful cock. I want you so badly. Please come back to me. I can hardly wait to feel this big beautiful cock rubbing my prostate again. God, I love how you push until you pop inside me and fill me with your hugeness. Oh man, I love how your cock gets even bigger and harder just before you cum. And when you cum, I feel so full of love for you that I cum without even touching myself. I can hear those little whimpers you make just before you cum.”

I realized that it wasn't my imagination. I was hearing him whimper. His balls had pulled up tight. I felt his cock get harder just as he exploded all over himself, the bed, and me. I looked at the mess and chuckled.

"Wow, you didn't even have to wake up to do that."

I leaned forward and licked his juices from his body. I love the taste of him.

"You missed a gob."

I thought Tom had come back into the room and caught me in this act of desperation. I turned, but there was no one in the room. I looked at Judd, his eyes were open and he was smiling at me.

"You're awake!"

"That was better than phone sex. But next time make it full body contact."

"I love you, Judd." A pained expression crossed his face. I panicked. "Are you okay?" He just looked at me with his eyebrows creased. "Judd, can you forgive me for being so stupid? I promise I'll never be jealous of you again. Please, Judd, I don't want to live without you. I don't think I can."

"Did I hear my dad's voice awhile ago, or was I dreaming?"

"Yes. He's downstairs calling your mother. He'll be back up in a few minutes. Let me tell the doctor you're awake."

I went to the door and called to the doctor who had his back to me talking to a nurse. He turned and looked at me. I nodded and grinned, and they came hurrying in. Thankfully, Judd had the presence of mind to cover himself. I stood at the head of the bed and held his hand while they did their ministrations. When they pulled the sheet down, it was obvious that I hadn't cleaned him up very well. The doctor stuck his finger in the puddle in the hollow of his neck and smelled it. He glanced up at me with a raised eyebrow. I shrugged and smiled, the nurse was grinning. The doctor broke into a big grin, too.

"Hey, it worked, Doc," I said.

Judd turned a deep red and squeezed my hand. The nurse got a warm wet cloth and started to wipe him down. I took it from her. "Let me, I made this mess," I told her.

She grinned and acquiesced. "Oh, I thought Judd did it," she giggled. Judd blushed again.

"Well, he did, but I caused him to." I was embarrassed, but I wasn't about to let her get to me.

"Would you two stop. You're embarrassing my patient," the doctor said, grinning. We both laughed.

"Maybe I should just go back to sleep," Judd said. He was having a hard time acting serious.

"Don't you dare!" We all three said in unison.

It was more than a week after he woke up before Judd was released from the hospital. Tom stayed a couple of days to make sure that he would be okay. Since he'd already met Annie and Lee at Thanksgiving, he spent some time visiting with them while I was with Judd.

When Tom saw that his son was going to be okay, he went off with Lee for the afternoon. I assumed that he wanted to talk to her since she's a psychologist. The next morning he went back to Pecos. Judd continued to refuse to discuss what had happened and how it impacted our relationship. I assumed that when he got back home he’d open up to me.

On the morning he was to be released, I arrived with fresh clothes for him. I pushed the door open to his room just as I heard a nurse call my name. I waved and walked on in. The room was empty. The bed had been made up fresh. The flowers and cards, everything was gone. I turned and looked at the nurse who had followed me in.

"I'm sorry, but I tried to tell you. He left with the two women who came to visit every day."

Her pronouncement laid waste to my equanimity. I fled. I found myself sitting in the Jeep parked in my garage. How long I had been sitting there I know not. I had no memory of even driving back from the hospital. I dragged myself up to the loft, where I stood in the middle of the floor and broke down. This time I cried for me. Although I still didn't feel that I deserved Judd's love, I wanted it... desperately. When I had cried it all out... when there were no more tears, I shuffled into the bathroom and undressed. I stood under the hot shower for several minutes, then dried off and crept into my bed. The only way I could cope was to shut down and lose myself in sleep.

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To be continued...

Posted: 04/20/12