Like a Promised Sunrise

By: JWSmith
(© 2012 by the author)
Editor:  Rock Hunter

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 6

Like a Promised Sunrise

Solitude has made itself at home

Emptiness

My bed partner

Long nights

Alone  

My penitence  

>><><><< 

The phone woke me. I looked at the clock; it read 6:47 A.M. I picked up the receiver just before the machine took over.

"Lo," I mumbled.

"Jace?" It was Judd. It’d been two days since he’d left the hospital. I wanted to lay the phone back into its cradle, but I couldn't pull it away from my ear. "Jace? Are you okay?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because I care."

"I'm okay."

"I want to apologize for not telling you I was leaving with Annie. I just didn't want to argue with you."

"I succeeded in pushing you into her arms, did I?" I immediately kicked myself mentally for allowing my stupid jealousy to resurface.

"No, Jace. She and Lee took me to my new apartment. Dad and Lee arranged the rental."

That hurt almost as much as my jealous imaginings. "I see."

"Jace, I want to work this out with you. I just don't think it would work – living with you right now. I’ve a lot of things to work through in my head. And the problems will get ignored if we’re sleeping together. You see that don't you?"

"I'm happy you want to work it out with me. Judd, I’m so sorry for what I did. I pray that you can eventually forgive me."

"It's going to take time and work to get back to where we were."

"Did Lee tell you I start group therapy next Wednesday?"

"No, she didn't tell me."

"Professional integrity, I guess. She's the one who helped me find this group. It's very confrontational. I think it's exactly what I need. Lee agrees."

"She's been working on me, too. She's one of the good guys under that gruff exterior, you know, Liz likes her, too."

"And I know that Liz likes Annie, too, but it’s you she misses. She wanders around howling like a banshee when it's time for you to be home."

"Jace. Don't... please."

"I was just going to say that if your apartment allows cats, you should take her. She'd be much happier with you."

"You'd give Liz to me?"

"Why not? You love her and she loves you."

"Jace, I---."

"I know. You don't have to say it."

"I love you."

Damn, he said it any way... it gave me a warm feeling.

"I hope to one day be worthy of your love again, Judd."

"Jace, I have to run. I have an appointment with the dean in thirty-five minutes. I've missed three weeks of school and I may be suspended for the rest of the semester."

"I'm really sorry about that, Judd."

"You've got to stop apologizing for everything."

"Judd, would you have dinner with me some night?"

"Do you think that's wise, right now?"

"You could meet me at a restaurant. It's public. Dinner and talk."

"Let me think about it. I'll call you this evening."

I felt better. At least there was a light at the end of this long dark tunnel that I had dug for myself. I made a pot of coffee, mixed myself a mug of sludge and sat down to think. It was time to pick up the pieces and get my life put back together.

I sat at my word processor forcing myself to concentrate on my characters' interactions. After about four pages of continuous writing, I scrolled back and started reading what I’d just pounded out on the keyboard... it was mostly drivel. My characters were acting out my emotions, not their own. I reread it looking for any salvageable bit, then decided to save it separate from my story. At least it was therapeutic.

I went back and read the last two chapters that I’d written before all this upheaval. I got the gist of my storyline and where it should be heading and started writing again.

                                                            ><

The phone rang, shattering my concentration. I realized that it was dusk. I had been writing for nearly ten hours.

"Hello?"

"Would you meet me at the Barefoot?"

"When?"

"Forty-five minutes?"

"I'll be there."

My heart was in my throat the entire time I was dressing. I rushed down to the garage. Not true... I danced in the lift all the way down to the garage. I was going to see Judd. It’d only been day before yesterday that I’d last seen him, but that seemed like a lifetime ago.

I entered traffic on the 10 west. It's always slow, but it's faster than surface streets nearly anytime. I exited onto Robertson. Every signal was against me it seemed, but I finally got up to Third Street. I hung a right and there was a parking place waiting for me right in front of the restaurant.

I rushed into the bar and looked around. I didn't see him. The hostess walked up to me.

"Please follow me, Mr. Deason."

She led me upstairs where Judd was sitting in a little nook. There didn't appear to be anyone else up there. The hostess disappeared back down the stairs. I stared at Judd. My God, he must be the most beautiful man on earth. He smiled and motioned for me to sit.

"Thank you for coming, Jace," he said.

I sat down. We hadn't broken eye contact. I couldn't find my tongue.

"You're looking better than when I last saw you at the hospital, Jace."

I nodded.

"Are you going to just stare at me all evening?" He asked.

"I'm storing up for later." He grinned. I looked down.

"How did the hostess know who I am? She's new. I've never seen her before."

"I told her that when my twin came in to bring him up here."

"Hmm, not older brother, huh? Why did you change your mind about dinner?"

"I needed to see you, to be able to look at your face when we’re talking".

The waiter came and took our order. We conversed about how lucky it was that he was allowed to make up the three missed weeks during the Christmas holidays, and that I was going on a book signing tour in February. He volunteered to stay with Liz and Gretch while I was gone.

When our dinner was served, we ate quietly, enjoying each other's company, but staying away from the subject of ‘us’. When we stood to go, he just stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked out the door, turning to say he’d call me tomorrow. I waved and walked to my Jeep, not looking back. I didn't want him to see how desperate I was feeling as I left. But I had to look back as I opened the Jeep’s door.

He was leaning against his pickup looking at me. I grasped the top of the doorframe and stared back. After a few moments he got in his pickup and drove away. I lay my head against my arms and sighed.

><

Christmas Eve was two days later. I was invited to Annie and Lee's for dinner. I was hesitant to go, but they threatened to bring the evening to me if I didn't. The truth was – knowing that Judd would be there – I couldn't stay away. I bought them each a gift, knowing I was over doing it, but why not. I got Judd and Annie laptops and a Personal Secretary for Lee.

When I arrived, Judd met me at the door and gave me a brotherly hug. At least this time he touched me. I returned it in kind. He studied my face as he stood back.

"I'm following your lead. I'm not going to push." I told him.

He nodded. Lee stepped up, hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Patience has great rewards."

I got this image in my head of a slim little slip of paper sticking out of a convoluted cookie and whispered back, "Ah so,"  kowtowing to her.

She chuckled and punched me on the arm. "You're such an enigma, Jace. But I'm going to figure you out yet."

"Well, I'm at least not an enema," I replied.

"That's arguable." It was a good thing she grinned as she said that, because her tone of voice belied it. Or maybe I was being touchy. Annie stuck her head out of the kitchen and waved.

Their living room was decorated conservatively, which I appreciated. There was a small tree on a table in the corner. It was decorated with silver rope and small silver balls. An old fashioned angel graced the top of it. They had looped garlands of fresh greenery around the dining area and kitchen door. Red candles on the table. I went in and asked Annie if she needed help.

"Sure. The only help those two give me doesn't involve cooking. But they do like to eat. Would you stir this white sauce into the peas, add the pearl onions and season them, please?"

"No problem." I did as she asked while she mashed yams, adding butter and drizzling maple syrup over them.

"What's next?"

"Get the ham out of the oven and cut the slices off the bone. You can lay them out on that platter. There's parsley for garnish."

It was a Honey-baked ham; we were in for some good eating. She plopped the yams into a bowl and handed it to Lee, who was standing in the doorway with Judd.

"Judd, there are four salad plates and forks in the freezer. Would you place them on the table?" She poured vinaigrette dressing over a bowlful of baby greens, tossed it, and handed that to Lee. She whirled, opened a toaster oven and extracted some hot sourdough buns.

"I think that's it. Let's eat."

She served a nice California Rose wine, so I took an obligatory sip. Judd watched me; I winked at him and smiled. He got up and came back with a glass of water for me. Lee raised an eyebrow at me.

"I love the taste, but I can't drink." I explained to her.

"Do you go to AA?" She asked, forever the consummate social worker.

"He's intolerant, not addicted. He can't drink even a shot of liquor without getting very sick. First thing I learned about Jace," Judd said.

"I've never heard of such a thing."

"Like you're always telling me, Lee, live and learn," Annie said.

"Annie, if I had known you were so proficient in the kitchen, I would’ve let you take over with Betty Jean at Thanksgiving," I said, turning the subject away from my alcohol problem.

She laughed. "Thanks, Jace."

"Have you two done any talking yet?" Lee inquired. I looked at Judd.

"No," he said, "I thought maybe this week while school is out would be a good time to start."

Lee turned to me. "How do you feel, Jace?"

"I’m willing to go at any pace that Judd is comfortable with. I'm not going to push him."

"But how do you feel?" She emphasized 'feel'.

I looked at Judd as I answered.

"I feel very guilty for hurting two very dear people. I feel that if it were me in their position, I would have a very difficult time forgiving me." Looking at Judd, I said, "I want your love more than anything in the world, but I don't feel worthy of it." I turned to Annie. "I feel I over reacted. I ask again for you to forgive me. Let's be friends."

Annie looked me in the eye as she responded.

"Jace, you didn't overreact. I would have done the same thing if I had been in your position. It's me that needs to ask your forgiveness. It was thoughtless of us to shower together, even though there isn't the least bit of sexual interest between us. Will you forgive me?"

"Of course, I forgive you. I knew when I saw you two washing each other's hair that there was nothing bad happening. It's just that jealousy has no intelligence."

"Annie and I had a long discussion about it," Lee said. "I'm just glad it wasn't me that happened to walk in on them. I probably would have reacted much more strongly than you did."

Annie blushed and ducked her head. Judd had sat there quietly nibbling his salad during all this. He kept glancing up at me as he chewed. We were all quiet for a minute, then Annie looked up at me.

"The thing that made me so angry was you didn't go after Judd. Especially after eight days. And that you didn't even bother to answer your phone during all that time," Annie said.

"Jealousy is a sick, horrible illness. It makes me nauseous to think about how it was making me act. I seemed to have no control over my thoughts. I dwelled constantly on imaging you two together, even though I knew that you and Judd both are gay."

"Recognizing jealousy and what it can do is half the battle in combating it," Lee said, then she turned to Judd. "Judd, you're very quiet. Are you okay?"

He looked at me. He had tears running down his cheeks.

"I think my actions were totally juvenile. I was in the wrong from the beginning. I never stopped to think about how it looked... Annie and me in the shower. Hell, I may have killed if I’d been you, Jace. I also knew that drinking was no way to respond to your anger, and it was childish of me to do so. I just kept hoping that you’d come make me stop. I’m embarrassed that I did it. I’m thankful that you three care about me. I love you all. Jace, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I'd be most grateful... I really do love you."

"I’ve never thought about you needing forgiveness, Judd. I've been wallowing in my own guilt so much that I haven't considered you being guilty of anything. Of course I forgive you. How could I not? What you did, I drove you to doing. Damn, Judd, you've become the center of my life. I've come to love you more than life itself."

"I haven't been communicating very well," Judd said. "I keep hearing you begging my forgiveness, but I've been feeling so guilty myself, I couldn't figure out why you needed forgiving, Jace. And I apologize for not being more adult in my actions. I'll try to be in the future. You know I love you with my total being."

There was total quiet at the table as we stared into each other's eyes. I felt like pushing the table aside, grabbing that beautiful young man sitting across from me and ravishing him right then and there.

Finally Lee cleared her throat. "We have a wonderful dinner getting colder the longer we sit here. Let's eat it in appreciation of Annie's effort to feed us."

We all grinned and dove into the food. I hadn't had such an appetite in weeks. And from the way Judd was eating, he hadn't either. There were only a few scraps of ham left when we all pushed back from the table and moved into the living room for coffee and a light English trifle.

Although I sat on the sofa, Judd chose to sit in a chair opposite me. Even though he had expressed his love for me, he apparently still wasn't comfortable getting close to me. I couldn't blame him; I was still beating on myself. Nothing more was said about the occurrences of the last three weeks. We discussed world events, then somehow we got onto the subject of having a family.

"I don't know how I feel about adopting, but I've always wanted my own child. Lee and I have discussed it some, but finding the father we’d want is a problem," Annie said.

"You know I've always dreamed about having a family. Having been raised in a loving home, I guess it's natural. The only thing I don't want is a wife," Judd said. We all laughed.

"You've got a big problem, Judd." Lee laughed. "Annie and I can have kids with just the semen from a man, but you’re going to need the whole woman to give you a child."

><

When the time came to part, I could feel the depression of having to go back to my loft alone begin to grow. I'd set my mind to the fact that he had his own place now; that he didn't want to live with me. As the girls walked us out to the sidewalk, Lee put an arm around me and whispered, "Remember what I said earlier, cheer up."

They said goodnight and went back inside. I stood with my hands in my pockets looking at Judd. He was staring at the ground, then he looked up at me.

"Will you let me go back home with you, Jace?" He asked in a little boy voice.

I thought my heart would burst with joy. My hands came out of my pockets and up to his face. I pulled him to me and kissed him, wrapping my arms around him. "Oh God, I love you, Judd. Come on, we'll get your pickup tomorrow." I dragged him toward the Jeep.

When I slid the door open and Liz saw Judd, she let out a chilling yowl and tried to climb his leg. He bent down and picked her up. She was butting her head against his chin and purring like a motorboat. Even standoffish Gretch was wrapping herself around his legs. I picked her up and she immediately climbed onto my shoulder. I wrapped Judd in a hug with Liz in between us. Gretch moved off my shoulder onto his and rubbed her head against his cheek.

"I think you’ve been missed. Welcome home, Sweetheart."

He leaned into me, crushing Liz as he kissed me. She just purred a little louder. We put the cats down and moved back into each other’s arms. We held each other for several minutes, lightly kissing back and forth.

"Come on, it's late, let's go to bed," I said, breaking away and pulling him with me toward the bed. I turned and started undressing him. He followed my lead. We kissed each part that we bared. When we were totally naked, we climbed into bed. We couldn't let go of each other. We snuggled and hugged, kissing lightly. Neither of us had a hardon. It was enough this night to just enjoy holding and loving each other. There was plenty of time later for lovemaking. We eventually drifted off to sleep.

Waking the next morning, I was cuddled up against Judd with his arms wrapped tightly around me. I just lay there enjoying the fact that he was back and I was in his arms. Eventually I had to get up to pee. Jace just moaned and turned over. I let him sleep. It was just too wonderful to see him back in my bed.

After making coffee, I poured two glasses of juice and sat down on the sofa facing the windows. Judd came in and my eyes caressed him as he sat down between my legs on the floor, wrapping an arm around my thigh. He took his glass and drained it in one gulp. "Being in love is thirsty business," he explained.

There's a floor to ceiling mirror between the two windows. Judd studied the two of us as I sipped my juice and enjoyed the feel of his body between my legs.

"You know," he said in a subdued voice, "we're not only incestuous. I think we must be narcissistic, too."

"Why?"

"Look at us." He motioned toward the mirror. "We look like identical twins."

"I look older."

"Not really, besides, it's really easy to tell us apart... you've got a bigger cock."

"That's a grand way to identify us. I'll just pull out my cock and say, ‘See, I'm Jace. My cock is a quarter of an inch longer and half an inch bigger around.’"

We laughed.

"What I can't figure out, Judd, is that if we look so much alike, how come I don't get a hardon looking at myself in the mirror? I look at you in the mirror....and see what the effect is."

It was so good to have him back. I still can't believe I was capable of throwing him out. I had to have been one sick, fucked-up idiot.

>>><><><<<

Two Years Later:

I awakened late in the morning with Judd spooned against my back. My head rested on one of his arms and his other was around my chest. I lifted his arm and started to move toward the edge of the bed. He pulled me back and nuzzled the back of my neck.

"You better let me go. Neither of us is into water sports."

"Mmm, hurry back. I'm not through with you yet," he murmured.

When I came out of the bathroom he was spread eagle on his stomach. I stopped to enjoy his beauty, his muscular back, the two delectable mounds of his ass, and those long legs that had recently been wrapped around me as we made love.

Since he was lightly snoring, I went to the kitchen and made coffee before walking back to the end of the bed, where I crawled up his body, lay down on top of him and kissed the back of his neck.

"Merry Christmas, Jace. I'm all yours," he mumbled. "Do with me as you will. Just don't expect any response out of me. You've worn me out."

"Merry Christmas to you, too, Fluffy Buns. It's going to be hours before I can get it up again. I've never cum so many times in one night. Roll over and hold me."

I raised my body so he could turn. We wrapped our limbs around each other, and I gazed into his eyes.

"Like a promised sunrise you ascend into my day," I murmured to him.

He raised his eyebrows and smiled. "You remember my poem."

I nodded and smiled back at him. I repeated the poem.

"Like a promised sunrise you ascend into my day.

The brightness of your eyes lights up my world.

With you, I am where I belong.

Protected in your arms,

I've never felt so strong."

"I still mean every word of it," he said.

"You couldn't have said it any better for the way I feel about you, Judd."


That evening we were expected at Lee and Annie's to have Christmas dinner and celebrate our second anniversary. I snugged up my tie and turned to Judd for approval. He walked up to me, smiling seductively. His lips met mine and I got lost in kissing him. Before I realized it, Judd had nearly undressed me. And since I find it nearly impossible to keep my hands off of him... I reciprocated. I'm so happy that the feeling is mutual.

Twenty minutes later as we re-dressed, I called Lee. "We’ll be a few minutes late, we’ve been waylaid.”

"Yeah, which way did you horny bastards get laid this time?" She asked.

"That's way more info than you need laid on you, Woman," I replied.

We both laughed, and I added, "Since we've already gotten laid, we're on our way."

"Enough! Jeez, Jace, just get your butts over here."

To be continued...

Posted: 05/04/12