Reclaiming Austin
By:
William Tyler King
(Copyright 2005-2007 by the author)
The author retains all rights. No reproductions
are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...
Chapter 14
As far as I was concerned, talking
to Austin could wait; however, I was fortunate at least that I was
forced to wait until I'd found out where he lived before I could
even think about going to see him. There was only intermittent talk
that night between Jason and I. Most of the talk concerned how after
Sunday Jason wouldn't see me again until I'd had my talk with
Austin.
I was emotionally crushed and my mouth was dry... How could Jason do
this? I knew he didn't want to, I could see it in his eyes how much
he wanted me to stay with him. But I also knew he wouldn't budge on
this. God I hated to be confused almost as much as I hated stubborn
men.
There was no more sex that night, how does one have sex after a
message like that one? But the next morning I awoke when I felt
Jason moving around as he got up. So I got up as well, and we
showered together, mostly in silence. I made two passive attempts to
wash him and initiate something but he withdrew, and it hurt as
though he'd slapped me. After a quiet breakfast filled with stolen
glances and orange juice, Jason finally said
"Look Alex, I only meant that now that I came out, you know,
admitted everything to you, that we couldn't go forward until you
figured things out... I'm sorry if it came out wrong..." he said
grabbing my hand on the table.
I looked up with a tear in my eye, "I know Jason, but all I want to
do is hug you and make this weird mood end."
"It will Alex, you just have to have your talk with Austin first.
There's so much still going on between you two... Sometimes I don't
know who I'm kissing. And sometimes I'm not sure who you think
you're kissing." Jason said with a squeeze to my hand.
I nodded and turned my hand over in his as I looked up in his eyes.
"I'm sorry baby. It's always been me and you," I said with a weak
smile.
But I lied; Austin had been there often, not so much that I ever
slipped and called out his name... but he was there none-the-less.
It hurt me that I had allowed Jason to see this; I had been caught
so squarely I couldn't even deny it effectively.
After breakfast, we cleaned up and we went clothes shopping. It was
apparent that Jason was trying to cheer me up. Afterwards as we said
goodbye, I gave him a huge hug and kiss right in the middle of the
Altamonte mall. A few people made comments so I walked him to his
car then walked to my Jeep and drove home lost in my thoughts.
Somehow, I missed everyone after I got home; they all assumed I'd
still be at Jason's... Hell, so did I.
At work the next day Mr. Riley came over with a rose and a grin.
"That performance was wonderful Alex, just wonderful! I had such a
good time! Ohh, this is for you, I gave Marika the other 11." He
grinned sheepishly.
"So...uhhh... Francine, is she... ummmmmm" He stumbled along until I
got a smile on my face and said,
"Yes sir, she's available, single, and lives next door to me" He
caught my grin and blushed a little.
"I would really like to invite her out for a dinner, do you
think...?" He asked pausing.
"That she would go with you?" I asked, and he shook his head like a
kid.
"Yeah, I really would like to take her out to dinner." He
volunteered.
I thought for a moment.
"Ok, but if it works out between you two, you have to make me Vice
President of this branch!" I teased
"No." He said seriously,
"You have a bigger path Alex, and it's with a guitar and Marika, not
here at the bank." He finally grinned as he let me in on his
approval.
"Ohhh Yes and here's a new guy named James, he's from Canada
originally and we just hired him. You, Marika and Chris will be in
charge of training him." Mr. Riley said, as he escorted a nervous,
young, cute, partially Asian guy over to the windows. We put James
in-between Marika and me, and talked while we counted our money. He
caught on quickly and seemed to be a natural at customer service.
By Tuesday afternoon, I was making obvious mistakes, so Mr. Riley
took me into his office and closed the door. "Ok, what gives Alex?"
I himmed and hawed and finally told him the basics. I told him that
Austin had tried to talk to me at Michaels party and that we had
fought., Well... "I" had fought... and Jason told me we needed to
talk before he and I could resolve anything.
"Alex, How about going to see Austin this weekend?" He asked me.
"Marika and I have to perform Friday night and Saturday Sir" I said
back without emotion.
"How good are you going to be, if you're like this all week?" He
sighed,
I just looked up at him with dead eyes.
"Fine, Cut out early on Thursday and go up there, then call me and
let me know what's going on Friday. I'll add this to your sick
days." Mr. Riley offered.
"James should be mostly trained by then, and if you keep up like
this you'll drive us all crazy. Or I'll be forced to let you go." He
said with a grin.
Then he gave me a card and said, "This is my home number, call me at
home if you're gunna be late or absent on Friday."
I took it and put it in my wallet. I looked up and thanked him.
Then, I went back and tried to concentrate on my work.
In the evenings, "The Tellers" practiced some new songs and refined
the old ones. Marika did a cover of 'Easy to be Hard' form HAIR, and
I was working on a cover of the Dyvinals "I'm on your side". Phil
did a solo Spanish guitar piece.
On Wednesday, I had dinner in DeLand at a great little Italian
restaurant on the corner of Woodland and Indiana that made homemade
pasta and sauces. Ryan and his Michael sat with me. Vinnie, the
owner knew me well and we got excellent service; sitting outside and
watching the light fade from the sky and the trees along the brick
lined street, lighting up with strings of fairy lights. As we sipped
coffee after dinner, Ryan spoke up.
"I think I owe you an apology Alex, and maybe Jason too." He said
with a strong face.
"Why's that Ryan? I mean, I know you don't like him, but you haven't
done anything to apologize for." I said.
"I didn't give you credit for being old enough or smart enough to
make your choices, and you owe Michael here some credit, for making
me see that. Also, Austin actually made me promise to give Jason a
chance as long as he treated you right." Ryan said holding my gaze a
second too long.
I turned to Michael, who'd been quite during this, "I have you to
thank huh?" I smiled at the big dark haired athlete.
"Maybe a little" He grinned at me before adding, "I saw you and
Jason and watched the way he treated you, and looked at you, and
whatever else he was doing, he's obviously in love with you now."
Then Ryan added, "And Michael pointed all of this out, and Austin
told me to give him a chance. So..."
I smiled, got up and hugged both of them before sighing and sitting
down.
"Well, I'm glad that's done with, but now it's my turn to apologize
and ask you if you know how to get in touch with Austin." I said to
Ryan. As he wrote the address down for me on a business card, I
explained what Jason had done and what Mrs. Tremere had said to me.
I decided not to say that Austin had been in my thoughts a lot too.
The three of us talked for several hours, then I bussed our table
for Vinnie and we went back to my place for a short visit before the
two of them headed back to O-town. I went to bed, had a strange
sleep, and tossed and turned until morning.
The next day I was so stressed out, and no matter what anyone did to
try to calm me, I was still a wreck. Finally, at 2:00 I took the
address Ryan had given me and after grabbing a small bag I'd packed,
took off from work. James, being really cute as I was leaving,
"Good luck Mr. Johnston Sir." I scuffed his black hair and thanked
him. Calling "me" a Sir. How adorable was that?
It's a damn long drive between DeLand and Gainesville, but the ride
up through the Ocala National Forrest is gorgeous. However, all the
demons and monsters of uncertainty were out to try to turn me back.
How would I talk to him? Could I talk to him with out hurting him?
What if he wanted me back????????
But Jason, ohhhh god, poor Jason... Could I hurt him? Was it in me
to hurt him? Every bit of logic I had was telling me to grab onto
Jason... So why did it seem so wrong?
All I had to do was talk to Austin; it's all I had to do. No matter
how often I repeated this mantra, it didn't make it any easier.
It was 6:12 when I finally pulled into the parking lot that Ryan had
told me to. I sat there trying to summon the strength for a
confrontation. It never came but I somehow got the nerve to get out
of my Jeep, and march towards the building.
Apartment 215, second floor in the back... I marched up the stairs,
past the cream coloured doors and stood before 215 hoping it would
cease to be... I closed my eyes and willed myself to have
strength... It didn't work, but I tried it none-the-less. And then,
like a ghost I watched my arm rise to knock on the door.
After a few minutes, a tall blond girl opened the door and stood
there.
"Hi, Can I hel..." Her pleasant smile turned to an icy stare.
"Alex!" Her Mississippi accent accused with a mixture of lace and
pig iron.
"Hi, You...must be Phoebe then." I said not even bothering to smile.
"Your too late Alex, He left me, He left me for you two weeks ago.
If you're here to rub it in, go ahead, I'll have the last laugh."
I raised a hand as she was confusing me.
"Phoebe, He isn't with me, He tried a few weeks ago and I-I..." It
hit me what I had done, "I threw him out." I blurted.
She stood gaping her mouth like an idiot.
"Then where is he?" She asked forgetting her anger.
"That's why I'm here, I need to have a talk with him and find out
what happened."
Her eyes narrowed, as she looked me over. "He was dating me and then
met he you, fell in love, and... neither of you thought of me for
one blessed second." She said with the voice of a Chinese empress.
I hung my head a bit. "I'm sorry Phoebe, I really am, the day I met
him I didn't know there was a girlfriend, I guess I didn't wanna
know to be honest."
She opened her door and invited me inside so no one could hear us.
"Listen Alex," She said with a sigh of confession.
"I have been in your place, It's how he and I met. It's how he
always goes to another girl fr... someone else." She said in a low
soft voice.
I looked at her not comprehending her admission.
"Before me was Danielle, I began to date him while they were still
dating. He had painted her as cold and unfeeling, but she isn't. I
don't know what all he told you, but I really loved him with all my
heart. I wanted to be his wife." she looked out her window as a tear
trickled down her cheek.
"If I hadn't been so shocked, if I hadn't found out what he was
doing, if my sorority sister hadn't called and told on you guys...
Maybe I would have reacted better... I don't know." She said
wistfully.
"If I wasn't gay?" I offered quietly. That snapped her out of it.
"I-I- Alex, My best friend is a lesbian and has been for years. I
was as shocked by my feelings as much as everyone else. Austin
hardly ever spoke to Audra out of fear... His sexual choice shocked
me more then the cheating... My mama always said 'watch out for a
cheater, they don't change'. She was right. Maybe you're what he
wanted all along."
I sat down on a kitchen chair and sighed. I felt awful for all the
hateful things I'd said about her.
"Phoebe, You're nothing like I expected."
She smiled and gave me a nod. "Alex, I wanted to scratch your lungs
and kick you to death a few months ago... I wanted Austin back so
badly. The past few weeks I've just... (sigh) It's not "our" fault
Alex... Neither of us made that stubborn ass do anything he didn't
want to. I just hope he takes you back when you find him... It had
to be damned hard for you coming to our apartment." She said looking
me in the eyes suddenly.
""Here, this might help," She said standing and going to the kitchen
counter to write something down on green and pink paper with Lambda
Epsilon Sigma on it. She handed me a page with two numbers and
addresses on it.
"These are his two best friends; they should know where he is." Then
she escorted me to the door.
We parted and I found all my feelings towards her had changed... and
I hoped hers towards me had too. I hugged her tightly before I left
and thanked her as deeply as I could.
So, after leaving her apartment I drove to the first place on the
paper and found it was a make shift Frat house..."GREAT' I thought
with a groan.
I walked up and knocked and this tall thin guy with dread locks
wearing a red Hawaiian shirt and flip flops with a puka shell
necklace and matching ankle band answered the door.
"I'm looking for a Brian Casem." I said glancing at the dried up
garden.
"Shyea, Speaking." He said in stereotypical surfer speak while
trying to figure out who I was.
"Hi, My name is Alex Johns..." Before I could finish his eyes lit
up.
"ALEX, You're that gay dude!!!" Brian said too loud for my comfort
but more happy with himself for figuring it out than freaked at me.
"Ummm, Yeah, Guilty, Is he here man?" I asked hoping he was sleeping
or something.
"Naaaaaa Dude, I wish. I invited him in to live hear when he told
the frat about you two and that Phoebe had kicked him out." I could
have been knocked over by a fly; he TOLD his frat???
"He WHAT???" I guess my eyes told him everything I was thinking.
"Yeah, 'bout three weeks ago he came out and told us why he was so
upset, why he wasn't seeing Phoebe any more...and that he was Bi"
My head was swimming. Christ, when Mrs. Tremere said I didn't know
what was going on she didn't prepare me for this.
"Sooo, Ummm, do you know where he is Brian?" I asked politely.
"Ummmm, Oh yeah, come on in and ignore the dog." The dog turned out
to be this funny looking gargoyle called an Affenpincher this
strange charcoal dog that looked like a mix of guinea pig and carved
castle guardian
"Here, it's a guy with a spare room down that way he's staying
with." he said handing me a piece of paper with an address on it and
then pointing east.
"Not a nice place and between you and me...the guy gives me the
total creeps dude." Brian said as he started to close the door as I
left, then he opened it and asked,
"You going to take him back?" Brian asked flatly, I stopped and
turned to look at him.
"I-I'm here to talk, and listen. Everything is different from what I
thought." I said contemplatively. Brian laughed,
"Yeah Dude, tell me about it." He chuckled as he closed the door.
So I went down to the next address and, god, the change in community
was blatant. I'd been in a nice suburban area, this place screamed
old and falling apart.
I knocked on the dark brown hollow door and had to wait almost two
minutes before the light came on and the door cracked a little.
"Hi, I'm here to see Austin Camble" I stated simply. The guy looked
me up and down and then he got this sneer.
"You must be Alex!" The guy said in a halting voice like Christian
Slater. He didn't look like Slater though, his pale tobacco stained
skin looked oily and his hair was a reddiush brown thinning matt of
unkempt oily fur.
"Yeah, I need to speak to Austin Please?" I said pressing forward
already not liking this guy.
He was a 30ish guy with a tight leather face, dull blue bloodshot
eyes and reeking of smoke, when he stepped aside revealing his pale
naked body with a cock a toddler would be embarrassed to show.
Ignoring his lecherous grin I boldly asked again where Austin was.
"In bed." He said with this strange grin. My spider senses were
going into high gear, something wasn't right.
"Where?" I asked lowering my voice.
The guy pointed to a yellowish door that was barely open. As I
started over this oily voice behind me said,
"Not sure he wants you to see him like this." He chuckled as I
opened the door
When my eyes adjusted to the light I saw Austin, chained spread
eagle to a bed with a gag in his mouth, his glazed eyes barely
showed any recognition. His back showed recent wet bloody whip
marks. I felt a switch go off in my head and the next thing I knew I
had slammed the scrawny naked man in the face with my palm and
grabbed him by his throat and bent him backwards over his kitchen
counter squeezing the life out of him as he thrashed. In a tight,
pinched voice I hissed,
"Before I kill you you son of a bitch, where are the keys?" He
couldn't talk but threw the keys on the floor. I used my palm to
drive his head against the counter hard enough to drop him to the
floor. I bent down and retrieved the keys, as I turned to get
Austin,
"Stay where you are asshole," I warned with another smash of his
head on the counter. "I'm not nearly done with you and if you make
me catch you, I swear to god, you won't EVER walk again."
I went and unlocked Austin's cuffs, he just lay there so I took the
gag from his mouth and ever so gently helped him sit up. I noticed a
collection of large dirty dildos on the nightstand with a tub of
generic lube. I cringed thinking of what that bastard had done to my
baby. Austin was drugged obviously; he wasn't talking, just trying
to sit up.
"Alex?" He asked weakly, trying to focus on me.
"Yeah baby, are your clothes in here somewhere, baby?" I asked.
Austin shook his head and shrugged.
"Stay here a moment Austin, I'll be right back," I said as I marched
back to get the bastard that had... had raped... that fuckwad had
raped Austin. It hit me like a 2x4 to the head.
I grabbed fuckwad and hauled his wiry frame up by his neck and
pushed him against a wall. I leaned in close to him and said softly,
with all the restraint I could harness,
"You are alive now fuckwad, only because I need answers, understand
me?" I hissed in his ear. He nodded his head, yes.
"Where are Austin's clothes?" I asked. He didn't answer at first so
I shoved my thumb into the soft part of his throat and asked again.
He squeaked out an answer finally.
"Under the bed and in the hall closet." He said, I dragged him with
me to look. Austin was in the bathroom. Fuckwad pulled a garbage bag
from under the bed that had some old unwashed clothing and then got
a sports bag out of the closet.
"Where's the rest of his stuff?" I asked.
"That's all I have now." The guy said weakly while rubbing his
throat.
"Is that all he came here with?' I asked. My nerves were about ready
to snap. The guy didn't answer so I backhanded him hard enough to
knock a tooth loose and cut my finger on his mouth. He hit the floor
and I asked, "You have any idea how many bones I can break on you
without even hitting you?"
The poor guy went white and said in a dry voice, "He had more stuff
but I sold the rest of it." He paled and hung his head. I was beyond
rage, beyond revenge, I was so angry, so god damned angry, I became
toxically still as this strange otherworldly calm overtook me.
"You sold his stuff? While you had him drugged and tied to your bed,
while you raped and beat him?" I asked as I grabbed his left pointer
finger.
"Yes" he said weakly. Before I could react, I heard the toilet flush
and the door open.
"Alex?" Austin called weakly.
"Yeah baby? What can I get you?" I offered, standing up and dropping
fuckwad to the floor.
"Clothes?" He asked weakly leaning against the doorframe. I handed
Austin the duffle bag and turned back and said
"You have two choices, I can kill you now and we can go to the
police and tell them what I did and what you did, or you can go over
there and sit by the bed and put the cuffs on." I said softly but
with seething anger.
So he went over quickly and sat by the bed and whimpered as I put
him in the cuffs that were at the foot of the bed so he was sitting
on the floor with his arms spread.
"How long has Austin been here, and how did he land up here?" I
asked.
"He, he's been here almost a week, I met him in a bar and we started
talking. He told me...about you mostly, about his girlfriend, and
that he was bi now. So I invited him back."
"And the drugs? And the marks all over his back? The dildos? What
kind of damage do you have, that you could do this to another
person?" I hissed at him. He turned his face to avoid my teeth and I
grabbed it and yanked it back to face me.
"How much did you get from selling his stuff?" I asked, as Austin
got dressed.
"Almost $340.00" he said softly.
"Why don't I believe you?" I answered as I swiped his wallet off the
nightstand.
I found several hundred in his wallet, his ID, and a credit card.
"I'll take these for now, if you behave, you might see daylight a
few more times. I'm not making any decisions till I have a chance to
think," I growled in his ear.
I left Gene, the name on his Id, on the floor cuffed to his bed, and
took all the keys, his money, his ID and his cell phone.
"We'll be back, don't get up on our account you waste of sperm." I
helped Austin get ready and helped him to my Jeep. We drove till I
saw a 24 hour Walgreens drug store, and I bought gauze and
antibiotic salve, and some Gatorade and vitamins.
So next I found a hotel 6 and checked us in so we could go to the
room and I could look at his wounds, he refused to see a Doctor or
visit a hospital. So I cleaned his sores and bandaged them and shock
with fear and rage as I got him dressed again.
"Come on baby, you need some food." I said, he followed weakly in
his drugged state.
We went to a Denny's and I had coffee and pie while I watched the
stoned and messed up boy I still loved trying to eat and wishing he
could talk to me. I got yes and no answers to all of the questions I
asked him. This guy Gene had really damaged him badly... When Austin
went to the bathroom, I made a call.
"Dennis? Yeah man, sorry for calling so late, I have a real problem,
I wanted to call you first, before calling the police." Dennis
talked a bit then I responded,
"Yeah, I found Austin but it's a long story. He was being held and
drugged and... and..." I could barely get the word out, I finally
whispered it,
"raped..." My throat started to close; my fury was being replaced by
passion for Austin, and disbelief that I had seen what I did. It
came out as an explosive sob and I just cried and cried into the
receiver, I didn't care who saw or heard.
"I left him cuffed to the foot of his bed. Yeah, Sure... Ok, I'll
call you from there tomorrow. Thanks Dennis, I knew I could count on
you." 'Click'
Dennis was my 6'2" bodybuilder friend who'd been a bouncer and done
work for drug traffickers enforcing their will before moving to
central Florida to begin as a personal trainer. If I was the wrong
one to pick a fight with, Dennis was the wrong one to make angry.
Austin walked slowly to the table with the horrible pallor clouding
his skin and his eyes glazed over.. So I went and joined him and
tried to get him to eat some more. I paid with Gene's credit card
and then loaded Austin in my Jeep room and took him to our room for
the night. I took Austin and gently helped him undress; the wounds
on his back had begun to stick to the dark shirt he'd chosen.
Somehow, I knew he needed me to be strong, but I would fall apart
when he couldn't see me.
As I laid him gently on his belly I began to dress his wounds and
gently clean his back again and apply salve; tears streamed down my
face as I tried to put my Austin together.
"I-I I told him to beat me Alex, I told him to punish me." Austin
finally said in a soft determined voice.
"Why Austin? Why would you ask for this?" I asked incredulously.
"For what I did... to you." He said in a far away voice. He may as
well have swung a 50 pound sack of potatoes into my gut. I was
shocked and tears clouded my eyes.
"Nooooooo Austin, No, Ohhhh god no!" I pleaded with him and cried as
I put the last of the gauze on his back. My fingers trying not to
hurt the skin it longed to feel.
"Alex, I hurt you so bad... I-I-I wanted to be forgiven... I figured
I had to feel what I did to you... I dropped out of school... you
weren't supposed to find me." Austin said softly in a distant voice.
I ran my fingers gently through his hair trying to calm him and...
and find an appeasement for my own gaping guilt. None came as I sat
there on the bed and Austin fell asleep in my lap. I looked down and
cried, my tears flowed till they ran dry so I turned the lights out
and curled up with Austin holding him, and protecting him from the
monsters I now knew were waiting in the dark even for someone as big
and strong as Austin.
What kind of monster did it make me though that I wouldn't even give
the boy I loved time to talk to me, time to tell me that he'd been
blackmailed, and that he discovered all on his own, the strength to
face his fears all to try to get back to me... to be rejected and
replaced? What did that make me? And what about my poor Jason? Would
I have to destroy him now? I didn't taste the lips of sleep that
night.
The next day I found a Target and told Austin to wait in the diner
and eat while I picked up a few things. I had to buy him everything,
from underwear and socks to shirts, shorts and jeans. He lost his
bedding, toiletries, everything, all he had were some old ratty
clothing. I got more gauze and ointment and a big bottle of extra
strength Tylenol. I grabbed some protein drinks cause Austin looked
like he'd been starved. Finally, I bought a cap and sunglasses so he
could hide if he wanted to. I bought all this with Gene's credit
card.
I made Austin stay at the hotel and get ready while I went out to
take care of stuff.
'Stuff' turned out to be what I called going back to see Gene. I
called Dennis, and it turned out that he had driven to Gainesville
and was waiting for my call. Dennis was over within 15 minutes.
I walked in to Gene's place and the smell was horrid. It smelled of
stale cigarettes and old beer mixed with lube and fried food. I
needed a bath after just walking in. Gene was calling out so I went
into the bedroom and he got quiet. I could see the dark stain in his
pants and knew what had happened.
"I can't be partial Gene, I want to hurt you in ways that make the
Ton ton Macute look civil. So I invited a friend who's... better at
these things and I have no clue what he has planned for you."
I searched through Gene's stuff until till Dennis got there. If I
didn't know Dennis, he would've scared the hell out of me. He was
the size of a refrigerator crossed with a Mac truck, wife beater,
slicked back hair in a pony tail, mirrored sunglasses, a duffle bag
and black sweat pants. He came in and gagged at the smell, and asked
me what happened. I told him everything as we went to the bedroom.
Gene and he got a good look at each other. He dropped the duffle,
squatted in front of Gene and took his glasses off.
"Austin has been a friend of mine for over a decade Gene, and Alex
is a great friend who's never bothered anybody. You fucked up bad!"
It wasn't said with malice or any hint of threat, but it made my
blood run cold. I almost felt sorry for that poor schmuck.
Dennis went and opened his duffle bag. He took out a large satchel
that had what looked like dental tools in it, and then he took out a
Dremmel and a few large pliers. I almost fainted and Gene was
screaming into his gag.
"Alex, for both of our sakes, you need to leave now while Gene and
I... talk. He's gunna help me get more money back to Austin and
hopefully retrieve a few of his items. Go take care of Austin, Alex
and I'll see you back home this week." Dennis said standing up and
giving me a big gumba hug.
So I left and went back to find Austin crashed out in a fetal
position. I let him sleep while I packed. I loaded the jeep, then
got Austin up, and loaded, then I paid for the hotel and we went to
breakfast at a waffle house.
"What's gunna happen to Gene?" Austin asked quietly as we ate.
"Don't know, we couldn't call the cops without saying what happened,
so I called Dennis, he's over there now." I said flatly not looking
at Austin.
"He's fucked." It was all Austin said before drinking some Coffee.
I looked up and caught Austin's eye, "He's lucky it's Dennis, I
woulda killed him and left him to rot." I stated simply.
Austin looked at me a moment before hanging his head, "But it's as
much my fault as his Alex. I knew it was a bad scene, and I knew he
was a creep, I... I... I even knew he put something in my drink at
the bar." Austin said slowly without looking at me.
I looked in his eyes with a look of pain, "Why Austin? Why would you
put yourself through that?" I asked bluntly. He was quiet for a
while, almost said a few things then got quiet again thinking.
Finally he said,
"That last weekend I saw you, at Michael's party... I was coming to
tell you I had left Phoebe and that we could be together... But you
got SO mad... and I couldn't blame you, you were right, I had fucked
up, but it hurt... Alex, you have no idea what that night did to me.
This is nothing, these scars are nothing." He trailed off lost in
thought. Guilt was punching its way out of my soul.
"So I stayed with Ryan at Michael's apartment and the next day we
figured you'd calmed down... And...I...I saw Jason, and he was where
I knew I should have been and it hit me that you moved on...you
didn't need me any more... and I didn't have a clue what to do." He
trailed off in silence.
Tears fell from my face as guilt and confusion and emotions with out
names rushed out of me like a pyroclastic flow.
"Austin... please... no. No, Austin," I cried and pleaded and my
broken hero held me as I cried. Finally I stopped.
"Alex, Alex, we need to go, it's check out time I think" Austin said
rubbing my back.
We got ready, I paid, and we left.
Austin and I drove miles in silence, neither of us knowing what to
say when he finally spoke.
"I knew he was trouble when I let him start to buy me drinks, I told
him I was new to this and that... I had hurt you badly and needed to
be punished. He said he would if that's what I wanted..."
"Why didn't you just stay with Brian? He cares about you Austin, he
wanted you to stay with him." I said keeping my eyes on the Ocala
National Forest.
"I thought maybe if I got experience, that... that... that you
might..." Austin said slowly not bothering to finish what didn't
need to be said.
"Austin, if I hadn't come up there, I don't think any of us would
have ever seen you again." I said slowly not wanting to
over-emphasize the state he was in. That thought ran through me like
a winter's night.
"Alex, without you..." Austin trailed off with out answering.
"Without me what, Austin?" I demanded softly, fearing the answer.
"I didn't care, I didn't expect to see the weekend." He said softly.
Even as tears fell to his lap silently, My brain vacillated between
a kind of rage, shock, and fear. If that had happened, I would have
blamed myself forever.
"No! Don't you put this on me, Austin!" I demanded, a moment later
my voice echoed in my ears and I softened as I saw him shrink.
"Austin, please, please don't think like that...ever, ever, ever
again... you understand me? No one is worth that... no one." I
pleaded softly.
We drove much of the rest of the way in silence.
As we neared my place I realized I hadn't called Jason to let him
know where I'd been all night or what had happened, I hadn't called
Mr. Riley either... well, I'd deal with them after I'd gotten Austin
settled in. Mrs. Tremere was shopping and I got to my door with all
of Austin's new stuff relatively easy. When I opened the door I was
surprised by a sleepy looking Jason, my mind fell, my heart flipped,
And Jason saw it and stopped short of hugging me.
"Hey baby, I-I-I was just... getting ready to leave. I came over
last night expecting to see..." At that moment Austin came slowly
around the doorway behind me, and Jason saw him and his face went
white.
"Oh," was all Jason said before turning quickly to go to the
bedroom. I raced after him pleading with him to stop and listen.
Finally he turned to face me,
"Alex, Austin is moving in with a pile of clothing and personal
crap... What are you going to try and tell me???" Jason demanded
sharply. I could see the pain in his eyes and the shaking of his
hands as he grabbed his bag. He reached over and handed me a
notebook that looked like mine. " I found this last night, guess we
know the answer now. I'm going out of town Alex, I have a job in new
York... Don't bother trying to reach me... At least do that for me."
And then he grabbed his stuff and was gone. I looked at the notebook
and realized it was my song writing book. A page had been
paper-clipped with an envelope, but first I saw the page and my
blood ran cold, it was a poem I'd written a week earlier.
Two Perfect guys And no perfect way To choose between sorrows Or
walking away.
How do I hurt one Deliver that blade Kill joy, peace, and hope And
the love that we made
Torn between angels Claiming mortal coils of men I'm told I must
choose But not Who, how, or when.
Fair is older darks a boy God's a bastard, I'm his toy. Fair is
wiser, Darks a knight, How does one choose, when both answers are
right?
Dark stole my heart, While fair has my soul Whom do I hurt And who
gets the goal?
I'd like to deny the gods All their pleasure, And bury my heart with
Captain Kid's treasure.
My heart fell even deeper as I read the words I'd written absent
mindedly a week earlier. I hadn't had any particular thought in mind
as I jotted the words down like I did every time a song idea hit me.
I fell to my knees pleading with god to reverse time, to take away
all the pain I had rained on Jason. Would I ever deserve to be with
a guy like Jason again? A guy who adored me in everyway. Would I
find a guy who ignited a room every time I smiled at him? What would
I do if Jason were really gone? Did I deserve him? What about that
broken boy in the next room?
I sat the notebook on my dresser and went into the living room where
a despondent Austin was curled up watching TV... I told him I'd be
back in a few minutes and to get whatever he needed. I went next
door and before I even touched the door it opened for me.
"Mon Cher, you look awful, Austin looks awful, did you fight?" Mrs.
Tremere asked while getting the tea ready and gathering a few
crumpets.
"Yeah, but not with each other Mrs. Tremere... GOD! I've ruined all
our lives Mrs. Tremere... I hurt Jason and he's done everything
possible to make me happy. And Austin, Ohhhhhhhh Mrs Tremere... " I
broke down crying and sobbing then... I wasn't protecting Austin or
having to be strong so I just fell apart, I heard words like 'rape'
and torture, and escape... After I calmed down I told her about the
song Jason had read, and caught her up to date.
"Mon Cher, what does one say to this? How is Austin? You should
bring him some food for me honey.... The poor boy" Mrs. Tremere said
rubbing my back and holding my hand as I sobbed.
"Alex, Jason knew the risks my love. It is truly awful that someone
has to hurt like he does, and I know you would gladly take on all
the pain to spare those boys. But this is not an option."
"It isn't fair to Jason, he's been soo good to me, he's done nothing
but love me." I said to the insides of my hands as I cried.
"Mon Cher, rarely does "fair" have any say in matters of the heart.
He gambled, and he was hurt. He will live dear boy. He is hurt, but
he will live my dear." She patted my hand and then added in a deeper
voice.
"Now Alex, My love. That boy next door needs you, he wants you, he
loves you. And as much as we joke about you being a daughter to me,
it is you dear boy that must take charge now, he needs your
strength, he needs your love... he needs you to be tough."
We chatted a while and I was told that I must be the man, I had to
be what I always wanted Jason and Austin to be... not sexually, but
I had to be in control for a while at least.
Finally I got up hugged Mrs. Tremere and took my teacup to her sink.
Then I went back to a dark apartment. I wasn't sure where Austin was
sleeping but I assumed it was the couch so I sneaked into my room.
When I turned the lights on I half expected to see my Austin curled
up there but all I saw in the middle of my bed was my songbook and a
note. A panic came over me as I rushed to the note I knew I hadn't
left.
The note was simple but said Dear Alex, I was going to sleep in here
and saw the note from Jason. I'm really sorry. I hope you can get
him back Alex... I can't go home cause dad won't let a fag live in
his house so I'm going back to Gainesville. I owe you 60 bucks cause
I took a couple of twenties off your dresser... Don't follow me; I'm
not going to do anything stupid. I love you, Austin
I just stared at it and my body and mind went numb... tears wouldn't
even come. I was about to walk back over and fall apart on Mrs.
Tremere when something snapped, Michael said it was the moment my
balls dropped. I marched out and grabbed my keys and started down to
my jeep. $60 wouldn't get him anything but a bus ticket. And there
was only one bus terminal in town. So I called Henna and told her I
would be late tonight, and went to pick up Austin again... I sped
since I had not idea what time the bus was leaving for Gainesville.
I pulled into the dreary little blue building not much bigger then a
trailer that served Greyhound in the area. The inside was small and
I saw Austin sitting on a bench outside staring at the ground. He
looked miserable. Guess I couldn't blame him there... god, I had no
idea what to say. I was ready to knock him out and drag him home if
he resisted though.
Without saying a word I parked and walked past a young black guy and
his kid also waiting and went and sat next to Austin, he still
didn't know who I was as he hadn't looked up.
"You ever watch Gilligan's Island?" I asked as I looked at a large
flock of crows fighting over who got to sit where in a big old oak
across the street.
"What?" Austin said suddenly dragged out of his self-absorbed funk.
Then he looked up and saw it was me and he folded his arms and bent
over so they were on his lap and said, "I told you not to follow me,
I've already fucked up your life Alex, I ran off your boyfriend, I
hurt you... I'm no fucking good."
I knew he was talking, I guess he had a few points, but I asked
again, "Really, you ever watch Guilligan's Island?
He put his head in his hands and very loudly said, "NO!" (pause)
"Yeah, I guess." (pause) "Why? What the fuck does that have to do
with anything?"
I was quiet a moment as I watched the birds. "Remember when those
headhunters came to the island and Guilligan saved one?"
At this point he turned to me totally bewildered. "Yeah, actually I
do."
"Remember what the rule was when you saved a headhunter?" I asked.
Austin was quiet a while thinking and trying to figure out where I
was going.
"Uhhh, no, is this going to make any fucking sense or are you just
curious?" He asked staring at the birds finally.
I paused a few moments then sat back on the bench and said,
"According to them, it was a tradition that if you saved a life,
that life belonged to you. I think they did the same thing in Tarzan
and some other old shows."
Austin got it now, hell, I'd delivered my message on a truck. He sat
still for a while then said, "So, you own me now?" He asked
incredulously.
"Yup, you're mine now." I said enjoying his confusion a little.
"All right, you made your point, whatever it was... why are you here
Alex?"
"I'm here to collect you and bring you back with me, you're mine and
I'm not letting you go again. Not like this, not till I know you're
ok and have a place to go. And Christ!" I said looking at the trash
bags and target bags all his stuff was in. "How can I let you travel
like this??? No way are you going anywhere till we get you some
luggage!"
Austin was quiet a bit; Southern boys have a talent for taking long
times to respond. "Ya know, the way I see it, I won you as a prize,
you saved my life... I think that cancels each other."
I turned and put my hand on Austin's, I turned to face him and look
him in the eyes. "Or maybe it could mean that you own me AND I own
you."
Austin's face got all screwed up and his chin started to quiver as
tears suddenly streamed from his eyes. And he moved so that he fell
against me with his head on my shoulder as he sobbed, "Take me back
Alex, Please take me back." Over and over he begged me. I held him
and rubbed his back soothingly, "Yeah baby, it's you and me again."
I meant it, I wanted him to believe it, he needed to believe it. But
my heart broke thinking about poor Jason.
To be
continued...