Coach Assistant

By: Tim
(© 2015-2016 by the author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 57   

[as told by Nick]

I can tell you, guys, that I was embarrassed when I realized what I was holding but it seemed that Francis was OK with it … so I tried to get it out of my mind.  My brain had more than enough to deal with.

I was a bit shocked when I saw him hugging Brian, but maybe … well, maybe it was better that they were getting close again.

The next few weeks went by pretty quickly.  More or less I tried to get on with my life. Whenever I slept, my dreams kept me from really deep sleep.  I wanted to succeed in my exams, but it just wasn’t possible.  Just seeing the others at school was too much.  They arranged for me to take them outside school under supervision, but I failed.  I did two but couldn’t force the energy to do more.  I tried each again.  I saw worried looks from my dad, David, Nick … well, I guess, from anyone in my group.

I tried to assure them that I was OK.  I never told anyone on about the dreams.  I’d woken up a few times screaming, but I was lucky because that had happened during the day when no one was around.  At night it seemed that my screams ended on my lips and stayed there.  But I’d woken up each time sweating … sometimes with a hard dick and sometimes not.

I continued to go to the doctor, and that helped.  At first I had my doubts, but he helped me to be more open to it all.  I gradually accepted what had happened and didn’t fight it any more.  I didn’t accept it for what it had been … but, at least, I was able to start living with it.  I knew I had to go on … even better, I wanted to go on.  There was no way that I’d not want to go on with my life.  I wanted to show everyone that I was doing OK, but it wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped.

After a few days, I went to Keith and together we talked about it with the DA, too.  They know it required a lot of courage on my part to go through with this.  I knew that it might become known that we were gay, but maybe they’d be able to keep that quiet.  It would all depend on how things developed.  But I wanted the guilty parties to be punished … not like before … they’d not walk away from this unpunished.

Authorities hadn’t found the doctors yet but, after I pressed charges, it was possible to go one step further and an international warrant for their arrest was sworn out.  We were lucky … so far, nothing had gotten to the press and I kept praying they wouldn’t find out.

I’d wanted to talk about it all with Francis, to see if he’d be OK with coming out if these events became public knowledge.  If not, he could always let me go and let me do it on my own.  So maybe it might be good if we split up this fall … so he could get some distance from me … then he could go and find someone who he deserved.

Peter, Andrew and Randy tried to contact me several times.  I got more than one e-mail from them but, because I ignored them, they soon stopped.  I was definitely not ready to deal with them at this point.

Just ten days or so before the European trip, I started to concentrate on the event … as it was something I was definitely going to do.  There was nothing that could stop me from going through with it.  In my mid, there’d be nothing better than a change of scenery.  I got brochures of all the places we’d be visiting and found out as much as I could so that I could do as much as possible in between the training sessions.  Oh, yea …  there was training planned as well: most of each day, ending in some kind of demonstration competition in three cities.  To my surprise, Alexei had managed to involve us, although our skill level must have been less than the other competitors … or at least that is what I thought the first time I brought it up.  He convinced me that it’d be OK … no pressure, just having fun.

Everybody seemed to relax a bit more when they saw me concentrating on this and giving it all the energy I had.  Francis was still like a mother hen, with me for every little move … but, still, that was OK … it could have been worse.

We cuddled several times and that felt good and it relaxed me as well.  He didn’t push for more … but he seemed to have a sense of what I needed and wanted.  I really found him incredibly sensitive.

It was just more proof of the fact that he deserved someone better than me.  Yea, I was still struggling with why I felt like I’d felt.  I was hurt … oh, yea, I knew that … but part of me had enjoyed it as well … not the ending of it all … but, still, I had.  The doctor must have sensed that too, as he left that whole area alone for the time being … but I knew that, at some point, I’d need to talk about it.

It felt like forever before the day we’d depart arrived … but, all in all, I coped.  I survived the detailed statement I had to give to two policemen who seemed to be less supportive than Keith has been so far … but I managed.  At some point, I even got the impression that one of them thought I’d wanted it and that it was a joke that had gotten out of control.  But, as Keith later tried to convince me, all they wanted to do was make sure I was telling the truth and they needed suspicious officers to make that determination.  Keith had become too involved and the last thing the DA wanted was a report that was full of one-sided judgments.

Before I tell you about our holiday activities, there is one more thing you might be wondering about and that is the physical effects of these events on me.  This wasn’t anything I talked about with anyone.  I needed to go into hospital once each week, and those were some embarrassing times … the first time especially, as the staff were quite shocked by the sight … but even more, it took a lot out of me to tell them in general words how I was abused.  That changed their opinion completely.  The damage healed well … that was what we’d all expected … but there were side effects.  As you might have expected, these weren’t impossible to deal with.

During the first two weeks it was too painful to even think about cumming … but, still, I was a teenager so I was horny a hell a lot of the time.  Getting hard didn’t happen, though, not until the second week … or, at least, that’s what I thought.  It was painful when it happened, so painful that my dick shrimped back very quickly.  But when the pain in my balls started to go away, getting a hardon was easier, too.  Just a few days before we were to leave, I was wanking on my bed.  I’d seen Francis walking towards his bedroom with only a towel on and this had brought back many happy memories of showering together.  It felt great to be able to do it again … wanking, fantasizing.  At first, I could keep my concentration very well but, when I started to get close, pain shocks started to go through my balls again.  I tried to stop but that was difficult … then, when I almost came again, I got some pretty heavy flashbacks from what had happened and, even without being able to deal with it, I felt he cum start to spurt out of my dick.  Completely shocked by what had happened, I’d let go of my dick … but streams of cum came out … not a bit, but quite a lot, three weeks worth, I guess.  I waited for a few moments, then realized that I had to clean up, just in case someone came in.  When I’d finished, I thought about what had happened and it got me scared … not a bit but a lot.  What had triggered my orgasm, my fantasies or the flashback?  I was happy that Francis had been studying and the others were busy with their own chores.  I cried quite a long time and must have fallen asleep.  I didn’t tell anyone … I couldn’t … but I was scared of what would happen the next time.  What next time?  I thought I’d never touch my dick again.

So, all things considered, I knew I was moving forward … but there were still lots of things to deal with … but, with our departure getting closer, I pushed it all away.  I was ready to enjoy myself.  It was a holiday and, if there was anyone who deserved one, it was us.

We all got together … David, Francis, James, Alexei and me.  My dad and Francis’s mom were there, too.  They all seemed to be happy with us going now … although I wasn’t sure that Francis’s mom was ready to be without him for a period of time.  He’d visited her quite a few times during the last few weeks ... something I’d encouraged as I wanted him to get back in contact with her and make something positive out of all of this.

Our travel costs were covered by the grant we’d gotten, so that was good.  We were going to visit three places.  We’d start in Cologne in Germany.  We’d be there early in July for almost 10 days, staying at a local gymnastic club who’d invited Alexei to come to practise with them to celebrate their anniversary, their 50^th I think, at which Alexei would present a demonstration.  Then we’d go to a college somewhere just outside of London for about 10 days, and we’d finish in Amsterdam where a big demonstration tournament was planned.  If there was time and if we wanted to go, we could visit Paris to finish the tour … but Alexei was leaving that open, so we could see what we would wanted to do later on.

So, all things considered, we had some pretty nice cities to visit and, after doing some research on the Internet, I came to the conclusion that both Cologne and Amsterdam would be places you had to visit if you were gay … so that was good news.

We left early on a Saturday morning.  My dad had rented a van and took us to the airport.  We met up with Alexei and James there.  I’m not sure but, for some reason, my positive energy for the trip had disappeared by that morning.  I’d had an argument with Francis already and my dad had given me a sermon … that I was allowed to return if I couldn’t cope … that that would be OK … that coming back would be no shame at all.  I just had to listen to him and let him have his say.

But the fight with Francis was something else, I guess.  I’d been packing my clothes and, when he’d seen that I’d packed my tight gymnastic clothes as well as my normal new gymnastic suit, he had a fit and told me it might be better to leave the former at home.  He knew, somehow he knew that I’d been ordered to buy that suit by Mike.  I don’t know if I’d told him the story or not … but I could feel that he didn’t like that suit there.  I hadn’t worn it for some time.  To me, it was just a suit and I’d take it with me.  He didn’t react but just pulled it out of my suitcase.  When I look back, I know I overreacted … but I think that my sub-conscience knew that this was what I’d been waiting for.  I pushed him out of my room and didn’t talk with him until we were half way to Europe.

We were seated beside each other and I could feel him move.  Although he had his eyes closed, I knew he was not sleeping.

“Francis?” I said.  “Are you awake?”

“Yea, I am,” he said, opening his eyes.

“Good.”

“You didn’t really think I could be asleep after you shoved me out of your room earlier this morning, Nick?”

I blushed.  “I know, Francis … that is what I wanted to talk about.”

He looked at me, waiting for me to continue.

“I’m sorry, Francis.  I don’t know what brought that on.”

I waited for a response but he didn’t say anything.  He just kept looking at me.

“Well, I guess I know what caused it.  You’ve all been walking around me like on eggshells lately.  I’ve seen your worried looks.  Everyone has been giving them to me.  No one has said anything but, at a certain point, that silence says enough.  You know I tried going back to school, doing my exams … and at each point that I failed, I felt very inadequate, not living up to your expectations, disappointing you all.”

I felt tears starting to well in my eyes … I didn’t want that to happen, not here, not now … as this was definitely not the place.

“I’m sorry, but I guess I just felt I needed to put my foot down … and it was a bit stronger than I intended.  You were right … it wasn’t a good idea to take it with me as it feels strange even to have it with me … but still, I just wanted to take it after you said I’d better not.”

“I know … but why did you want to take it with you, Nick?”

“I have no idea … at first, it was there before I knew it … and then, when you said something about it, I just closed down and thought, ‘what the heck.’  I’d decide what I take with me.”

“Yeah, I thought so.”

“You’re OK, then … not mad at me any more?”

“Of course, Nick … and I wasn’t mad … just very confused by your reaction.”

“Oh!” I said.

“Let’s try to sleep a bit,” he added.

I ended up, more or less by accident, resting my head on his shoulder.  I didn’t care … I was resting and slept well for the next few hours.

When we arrived in Germany, we were told that we’d be staying at some guest family’s place.   There would be three bedrooms for us.  Alexei would stay alone; he couldn’t take the risk of sharing the same bedroom with one of us.  We needed to share rooms, and everyone expected that David and James would be together but, when I pushed forward and said that I wanted to bunk with David in the same room, that raised some eyebrows.  I saw the disappointment on Francis’s face.  He must have hoped - just as the others did - that I’d let him sleep in the same room with me but I wasn’t ready to do that, not by a long shot.

When I was in the room with David he said it straight off.

“Sorry, Nick, but I don’t think I’ll be able to keep quiet any longer.”

“I didn’t expect you would,” I said.

“You know, we’ve been patient with you, Nick … trying to let you decide for yourself what you’d do and not do … but ….”

“Yea, but what?”

“You’re hurting Francis more than you know … he’s trying so hard to be there for you and you won’t let him.”

“Oh.”  Good, I thought.

“Yea … ‘oh.’  He’d hoped things would change on holiday, away from it all … and then you act like this, first this morning and then now.”

I waited for him to continue.  I knew that when he was on his high horse, there was no reasoning with him, so I kept my mouth shut.

“So, you’re not going to say anything?  You must know you’re being unreasonable to him.”

“Hmmm … no and no,” I answered.

“Oh, well … just as long as you know, I’ll stay here tonight … we can’t change that now … but tomorrow we’re switching.”

“Oh!” I said.

“Is that all, Nick?”

“You’ve already decided, David, so why should I have any say on it?”

“Right,” he said.  He turned around and got his suitcase in the corner.

“But, for future reference, David ... I know I’ve hurt Francis … but he has to be patient.  Don’t you think all this hurts me, too?”

“Yea, but he’s only trying to help you,” he said, still looking elsewhere.

“I know,” I whispered.

“I know this must be hard on you, Nick … I can’t even imagine what you’ve had to go through … but things aren’t going well.  Just try and see what happens if you let Francis stand by you.  I’m sure he won’t push it … he just wants to help you.”

I just nodded and left it at that.  My heart knew he was right, but my head kept telling me something else … something that had more to do with the fact that I thought he deserved better.  I wasn’t good enough for him.

We soon slept.

During the next few days, we trained … well, to be honest, they trained and I … I’m not sure what I did … it felt as if I’d forgotten everything I’d done in the past.  It was decided that I was not going to be part of the demonstration that would be held on the Friday, so during the last few days, I kept to myself.  Oh, yea, David had done exactly what he’d promised and changed bedrooms with Francis, but that was it.  We slept in our own beds and I was a bit relieved, I must admit, when he didn’t try to move closer to me.  But the fact that he was there now, all the time, was making me unhappy … always that caring, worrying person around.  It felt like I was in a cage; I wasn’t allowed to go out.

On the day of the demonstration, Alexei had a long talk with me.  He wanted me to enjoy the holiday and not be like I’d been until then.  I told him I was enjoying it … but there wasn’t a lot of commitment in my voice as I saw he didn’t believe me one bit.

So I spent more and more time away from the others.  Only Francis kept up with my mood changes.  Sometimes I was nice and happy to be around him and, at other times, I just ignored him completely.  The dreams had stopped during the last few nights, so I thought I was making some progress.  My dick was behaving itself; it’d gotten hard only occasionally and I was able to control my lusty feelings.  I didn’t want any experiences like I’d before … there was no way I’d be able to handle them.

On the day of the demonstration, I told them I wouldn’t go with them but instead would go into town.  So I took off through the bush and went in the same direction we did the evening before.  I liked the city center of Cologne as it was old and quite nice.  Now, on the Friday, it looked a bit different.  There were little signs everywhere … I am not sure why but I started to recognize some gay flags and balloons with the same rainbow colors put up, too.

When I saw a poster, I walked over to it and read that this weekend would be the highlight of the CSD week that was held with big parties on both Saturday and Sunday with a parade on the Sunday, too.

Wow! I thought.  I wasn’t sure if Alexei had known about this when he planned this trip.  Was this why we were here now?  I sure would tell the others.  It’d be nice to watch it and join in the party, too.  We wouldn’t be leaving until Monday afternoon, so there was more than enough time to enjoy ourselves.

I walked up to the big church that was there.  You were able to climb the tower, so I thought that might be a nice way to spend the afternoon.  When I reached the main square, I noticed there were several same-sex couples walking arm in arm, guys and some girls, too.  I felt proud and more secure being there with other people like me.  This was something that would never happen at home.  People there would shout at them to behave or even worse.

The church was magnificent and I felt insignificant in comparison.  I started to climb the stairs.  The church itself was quite something, but I knew the view from the top of the spire would be fantastic.  When I was half way up, I noticed quite a number of people were coming down and not very many going up.  It seemed I’d chosen the right time to visit.

I was almost at the top when I stopped to take a breath.  I’d hoped that my conditioning was better but it seemed it wasn’t.  I wanted to get working on that again, though.  I hated how I had performed during the last few days.

I opened the door to the first level to enjoy an incredible view.  Most of the people in front of me had gone up to the next level.  I just gazed over the city, enjoying the fact that it was pretty old and that it must have lots of history and tales to tell of its own.

Suddenly I heard something behind me and wanted to turn around.

“No, keep looking ahead … if you don’t want to get hurt.”

I was shocked.  I thought I recognized the voice, but I wasn’t sure.  I felt there was one … and perhaps two or more … people behind me.

“We saw you going up alone and thought you might want some company.”

I felt myself start to shake.  I didn’t recognize the voice … but it had brought back some memories, I guess.

“I think we want to see your nice ass … it looked quite nice walking behind you, so why don’t you drop your pants?”

I didn’t respond.  This couldn’t be true.  I thought that I wouldn’t have to obey that order … there should be some people coming up soon and whoever was behind me would leave.  My dick had a mind of its own, as it’d gotten very hard.

 Time went by.  I heard some whispering in the background, then a  harsh voice.

“Drop them … now.”

Even before I realized what I was doing, I dropped them.

My dick felt like it was out of control completely now.  It was hard and my balls started to hurt.

“See, I told you he would get hard.”

Yea, and I even felt like I was going to cum quickly.  It was so embarrassing and I’d never felt so humiliated and totally out of control.

Oh … and then I felt myself cum … not gently but quite hard.  When I came to my senses, I looked around.  There was no one around.  The door was closed.  There was a note behind me on the ground.  I picked it up.

“You’ll always be what you are.  Remember that,” it said.

Wow!  What was this?  How did they know I was there?  Was it the doctors who’d been there?  Why did I respond to it as I had done?  Too many questions and no answers.  I decided to go and sit down on the ground.

I though about it for quite some time but I had been doing that for some time now not only here but for a long time.  I needed to talk with someone else.  Although it was still early in the USA, I decided to call the shrink and see if he was available or not.

He answered his cell phone after a few rings.  Then we talked … not about what had happened but about my feelings of being humiliated and how I should handle them and about my fear of accepting them without any struggle.  I had been thinking about this for sometime now but not yet talked with him about it. Talking about it made me feel good for the first time since what had happened.  It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t really aware of my surroundings.  I was still sitting down to the wall of the tower on the first level.

“So, do you think you can enjoy your trip more now?”

“Yea, I think so.  Why didn’t you force me to talk about this when I was still in the states?  You must have known this was coming.”

“Oh, I did, Nick … several times.  But this is one of those things that you need to decide for yourself when you’re ready to talk about.  I hope that talking about your feelings will help you to move on, to deal with it all.  It’s not anything so strange, that you feel guilty after what you’ve been going through.  Just trust the people around you who love you and cherish you.  They can help you regain that control again.”

“Maybe … but it’s so difficult to let them get close to me.  I sometimes feel they’d be better off without me.”

“Oh, you think you’re not worthy of them … is that it?”

“Yes … it’s just … like … well, part of me wants this but there is still so much to enjoy, so much to do.”

“Good … remember that and the good things that happened in the past like your gymnastics.  How are you doing with that?”

“Lousy.  The others are at a demonstration tournament now but I didn’t go as I couldn’t do any of the things I could do two months ago.”

“OK.  I was afraid that might happen.  You’ve connected the feelings of that day with everything that happened at that time.  Just don’t try to get stressed over it.  Just think of what you could do … not what you should be able to do … and remember you did it once.  Then you’ll get past this, I’m sure.  You’re a strong kid, Nick … so use that strength.”

“OK.  That’s true … I loved it when I did the performances and I really need the work out.”

“So, what about your dreams?  Are you still having them?”

“Fewer and fewer … although a moment ago, I experienced something that wasn’t very nice at all.  It took me back to that evening, you know?”

“Well, you know we talked about that and new feelings of pleasure need to be added to your memory … so just take it easy and work on it a bit.”

“OK.  I think I’d better hang up now.”

“OK.  Just give me a call if you need to, Nick … doesn’t matter what time.”

“Thanks, doc.”

Just as I hung up the phone, I noticed I’d been on the phone for about an hour.  I hoped he hadn’t had a patient in his waiting room.

I sat there for quite some time.  He’d been right and even David had been right.  I’d been sulking, drowning myself in self pity.  I knew I was allowed to … and I knew I’d probably fall back into that state … but if I allowed myself to wallow in self pity and not enjoy life any more, then they’d gotten what they wanted.  They would have ruined my life, taken it over.  That was something that only I could prevent.

I must have stayed there quite a long time, as someone nudged me.  I opened my eyes.  It was one of the guides telling me that he was there to close the tower.  I looked around and thought, “oh, no … that must mean it’s quite late.”

I was right; it was late, so I quickly stood up and tried to call Alexei, to let him know I was OK.  It was close to 7 p.m. and I thought they should be home, probably expecting me.  But before I could do that, I was told I had to leave.  I could use the phone when I was outside the church.  Oh, damn!  I just said yes and starting to descend the stairs as quickly as I could.

When I got outside, I called Alexei.

“My god!  It’s finally you!  Where are you, Nick?  We though you were lost or something.”

“Sorry, I should have called you before but I was on the phone and then I turned my phone off, so that is probably why you couldn’t reach me.”

“Yea, I tried a few times but I didn’t get through.”

Oh, damn!  I must have been sitting there for longer than I thought.

“Well, I was at the church in the city center, so I had to turn my phone off.”  Nice save, I thought.

“Oh, ok.  Are you still there?”

“Yea, I’m just in front of it … but I guess I’d better head back now.”

“Wait a second … maybe we can join you.  Our hosts are getting ready for their holiday, so they can’t join us, but I think we’d all enjoy being in the city center tonight.”

“Ah … so you knew about Gay Pride celebrations being this weekend then?”

“Yes, of course, Nick!  Why did you think I chose to come here?  That and the fact our hosts had to leave tomorrow … so we could go to a hotel for the weekend without stepping on anyone’s toes.”

I could hear them talking in the background and heard someone say “no, we can take a taxi,” so I just stood there, patiently.

“OK, Nick … you don’t move.  We’ll come and have the taxi drop us off at the square in front of the church.”

“OK, see you there.”

I looked around.  There was a big stage erected just beside the church.  It really looked like the place for us to be for the next few days.

About 45 minutes later, they arrived.  I’d had some beer to drink, so I was a little less tense.   Instead of waiting for them to find me, I yelled at them.  When they saw me, they came towards me and joined me on the terrace.

“Ahhh … here he’s the guy living the good life.  He just lets us work our asses off while he drinks.”

“It’s holiday,” I reminded them.  “But why don’t you sit down here, Francis?”  He sat down beside me and, before he could do anything, I got him closer and kissed him on his cheek.

“Good to see you again.”

I could see surprise on about everyone’s face.

“It is a holiday … so why can’t a guy have some fun?”

Francis now whispered back, “But here, in the open?  You’ve never done that.”

“Look around, Francis … we’re in Europe.  No body cares … well, at least, not in Cologne.”

I did go for another kiss, this time a bit closer to his mouth.  Less startled, he relaxed under my touch and I could see a small smile on his face.

We stayed at the place I’d chosen and got something to eat there as well.  I had more fun than I’d been having up to then.  I’m not sure if the beer made me more relaxed or not.  I flirted with Francis, which I could feel drove him crazy … but I flirted with everyone that evening … with the waiter who was quite happy to be flirted with, though, and even with some of the people sitting beside us.

I saw quite a few eyebrows were being raised up and down the table and, at some point, Francis and Alexei went to the toilet together.  I knew my behavior would be part of their conversation but I didn’t care.  I’d promised myself I’d start to have some fun.

We walked through town after dinner and ended up at a place that looked like a gay pub, and it definitely had more gays around than straights.  I enjoyed it and danced with quite a number of people, of course with Francis and with Alexei and James.  Oh, no … not with David, that would have been too strange even for me!  He seemed to enjoy the attention from others as well, although he kept politely waving his male admirers off.

During one of the dances, Francis came a bit closer than he had all evening.  I pulled him towards me and we had a great dance.  Oh, yea … more than once, there were body parts rubbing against each other.  I could feel his stiff dick and I must admit that mine was having fun, too.  But it didn’t feel like I was about to cum … just having fun, I guess.

When we got back to the house and went back to the bedroom, I turned around towards Francis as we walked in.

“Thanks for the great evening.”

“Oh, no … thank you.  I enjoyed it very much.”

“Good … do you want to join me in bed to cuddle?”

I saw his eyes smile as I asked it.  We didn’t talk about it … we just had a nice time relaxing, cuddling.  Oh, yea … and I fell asleep, I’m not sure when but I did.  It must have been the alcohol.

To be continued...

Posted: 08/26/16