March 1, 1979

 

The final twenty days of February were an unusual experience for Jake. Most of the time he simply felt numb. The relentless ache and emptiness was always there but it became part of his normality. Like breathing, he had begun to take it for granted. For the rest of the time he existed inside a bubble, an invisible barrier around him, separating him from life proper, always keeping him just beyond reach of the life he wanted.

 

The ninth to the twenty-eighth was a long and arduous path but it also was bathed in irony. It was a time of weightlessness, which existed because his truth had been revealed and so he had nothing to hide. At the same time, Jake was experiencing great pressure and heaviness, which existed because of Dan’s seemingly endless absence. It was a time of darkness, which came from a feeling that shadowed him like a cloud and made him feel like his life could never return to normal. In true ironic fashion, though, his life seemed gilded by light, as newly forming attitudes whispered of a future beginning with truth and acceptance.

 

Normalcy also felt like a betrayal of truth. He wanted normal so badly but as long as Dan was missing, there could be no normal. Jake wanted to feel better and he wanted the pain and sadness gone but the ache and the need seemed like a validation of his love.

 

Time was not on his side either. Instead of bringing Dan to him, it was displaying his absence even more cruelly. He had not seen Dan, he had not spoken to Dan and he could not even hold his hand. Their separation was now both physical as well as psychological. He felt so empty and one way or another, he wanted an answer. Unfortunately, it seemed like silence was all that time had to offer.

 

Nothing had changed and yet everything had changed. Dan was still in a coma, he was still in hospital and Jake still believed he was going to wake up. Now, though, the very idea of when Dan would open his eyes, brought thoughts of a different type of separation. Dan’s father was an obstacle to his future. Whether Dan woke up in a day or a year, when he did, David was probably going to do everything in his power to keep them apart.

 

The events of the eighth of February had changed Jake’s entire view of his life. Though in some way the consequences seemed positive because of what they could mean for the future; without Dan to walk the path with him, Jake could find no substance in that positive perspective.

 

Throughout the night, which followed being forced out of the closet by Dan’s father, Jake sat and talked with his parents during, as well as after dinner. Within those hours, Jake noticed a change occur. He no longer felt like a boy talking to adults. He suddenly felt like one adult talking to two others. That night and also during the days and nights that followed, in many ways Jake grew up in what seemed like the blink of an eye. Now, just under three weeks later, his relationship with his parents had changed and they spoke to each other differently. There was a greater respect and thoughtfulness between them and all three of them were aware of the change.

 

Something else had occurred during that passage of time. Jake felt more at peace with his sexuality and it brought more self-confidence to the man he was becoming within. He knew who he was and slowly but surely he was beginning to truly accept it. He was queer or as people were calling it more regularly these days; he was gay. He liked that word better than all of the other words. The real word – Homosexual – seemed too impersonal or clinical and the others, like queer, camp, faggot and poofter, all seemed in some way to be fundamentally detrimental.

 

Even though his parents had accepted his sexuality, during the first days, Jake saw some physical reactions whenever he referred to himself as his sexuality. His father seemed to subtly stiffen but soon enough that faded. His mother had stared off into some distant place but now, three weeks later, both parents had come to terms and truly were accepting of this new part of the person he was.

 

Irrespective of all of his new seeds of growth, knowing something and expressing something were two entirely different things. Self-acceptance and the added confidence brought with parental acceptance was one thing but not everything was simple. Jake had a problem with the outside world and his ability to return to it. Occasionally he had gone for a walk but Jake felt a consistent nervous feeling. Even though he looked and acted the same as he always had, it seemed that since he had admitted he was gay, he feared that people would somehow know he was gay and that he would be attacked like Dan’s father had attacked him. As a consequence, Jake had once again been spending a lot more time in the house.

 

These feelings concerned him because they made him wonder what would happen if he returned to school. The new school year had already started a few days previous but with everything that had and was happening, particularly with Dan out of sight and beyond his reach, Jake felt he was not strong enough or ready to return to school. His father, who seemed to understand, called the school and told them Jake was ill and that he would advise them when his son would return. Jake felt a sense of relief in the additional time but even so, he still had not decided if he wanted to go back or even if he would.

 

Year ten, the year he had completed and passed, was the first option to leave school and not go back. He knew if he continued on for two more years and completed year twelve, he would receive his High School Certificate and it would lead to better employment opportunities or even the chance to go to University for a higher education. Jake was just uncertain of what he really wanted to do, regardless of the changes in him and his life. Though he never said it out loud to his parents; somehow he knew that his future seemed to hinge on whatever would happen with Dan. Once things were clear and once he had an answer, maybe then he could focus on other things.

 

Irrespective of everything, there was still one issue that was unresolved and that issue consumed him almost every waking moment. His heart was broken and he had not seen Dan since that day in the hospital. He had no idea what to do and his thoughts of solutions had consistently been running wildly through his mind, every moment following opening his eyes each morning.

 

A few days following that disturbing time when Dan’s father had seen the kiss, Jake called the hospital and tried to find out how Dan was doing. He was connected to the appropriate ward but the moment he told Rita who he was, though she seemed genuine in her sincere apology, she told him she was unable to dismiss Dan’s father’s instructions and she was also unable to release patient information to anyone other than family. Though Jake was upset, he understood and he thanked Rita and told her not to feel bad.

 

The next day, Jake called the hospital again but this time someone else answered the phone and he asked to speak to Julie. When Julie came on the line, Jake quickly explained the situation to her. Julie said that her current location and circumstances were not conducive to talking to him at that moment. She added that if he gave her his phone number, she would call him later. Jake understood she was unable to talk openly and so with a happy voice he thanked her, told her he hoped she was well and then said he would await her call.

 

In the evening that followed, Julie called when she arrived home and they talked for a long time. Jake told her exactly what had happened with Dan’s father in the hospital room, as well as about David’s visit to their home that night. Julie swore in a derogatory fashion regarding Dan’s father and Jake smiled and agreed. Jake then said that he needed to know how Dan was and if there had been any change in his condition. Julie explained that though Jake’s stats were much better, he still had not come out of his coma. She promised Jake she would call him if anything changed and then she gave Jake her number so that he could call her as well. From that night, Jake had begun calling Julie a couple times a week but still nothing had changed.

 

Just before the end of February, Jake walked out of the house and was walking around the front garden, as he continued to dwell on the situation regarding Dan. Moments later, David Murphy had also left his house to get into his car to go out. Jake heard the noise of the neighbouring front door closing and as he turned to look, David glanced across and saw him. The change in the expression on David’s face was blatant. It was a look of utter hatred and disgust and Jake felt like he had been stabbed to the depths of his soul. Jake turned away and began to walk to go back inside the house and as he did, David said with extreme vitriol, “Yeah, that’s right, pervert, disappear like a real fairy and don’t let me see you again.”

 

Jake had never felt such hatred directed toward him in his life. He was a good person and he knew he was. He had never hurt anyone, he had never said a bad word about anyone, at least not that he meant seriously and he always treated everyone with the utmost respect. He did not understand how someone that had known him his entire life, even though David really did not know him, could look at him like he wanted him dead or speak to him like he was the lowest form of life. It cut Jake to the bone.

 

As Jake reached the top of the stairs to the veranda, he suddenly felt incensed by how absolutely wrong it was. He decided in that moment he was going to say something, to deny the man’s thoughtless and cruel attitudes but when he turned around, David was already in his car and driving away. Jake shook his head and then his eyes dropped to the ground. He felt so hurt and he felt so lost but most of all, he wondered how he would ever get to see Dan again.

 

In essence, Jake’s life had become quiet since the wave but at least some of the time had been filled with his visits to the hospital and those times spent with Dan. Now, all he had was his thoughts, his pacing and the few hours he would spend with his parents each day. His life had for so long been all about Dan. He was his only real friend and though he was lonely, the truth was that he believed no one else could ever fill the hole or satisfy him like Dan could.

 

There were moments in spite of his absolute belief that Dan would recover, when Jake thought if Dan’s father succeeded in keeping them apart, life would not be worth living. Still his heart would never let go and he knew he never would let go of Dan, unless someone told him he was dead. Even with that thought, Jake thought he would never stop loving him and that he never could.

 

Jake’s birthday was only six days away and though the thought had crossed his mind, he really did not give a damn. All he knew was that without Dan, everyday was just another day and they all felt the same. The seconds, minutes, hours and days were simply merging into one long time alone. Someone saying Happy Birthday or giving him cards or gifts was certainly not going to change how he felt. He knew that when it did arrive, he would smile at his parents, kiss them, hug them and say thank you for whatever they gave him but in truth, he knew there was only one thing he wanted and somehow that gift seemed as if it was so very, very, very far away.

 

Before his parents arrived home from work that day, Jake was sitting in his bedroom and staring at Dan’s window. He was feeling a little better than he had following David’s attack earlier but then suddenly, movement distracted his gaze. He looked down into Dan’s backyard and he saw David crossing the back lawn to go to his tool shed. Instantly Jake felt his body fill with bitterness but moments later, as David disappeared, Jake thought to himself, “You’re the cruel man and you’re the one that’s keeping me from Dan. In the dream or out of the dream, I’m not going to let you win. One way or another, I’m going to be with Dan again.”

 

Today, the first morning of the beginning of March, Jake returned to the tree house. It was not about making decisions or about finding solutions. It was simply a matter of being in the one place he felt held the strongest connection with Dan. He spent most of the day there but though the memories were good, Dan’s absent smile, voice, laughter and presence became more than he could handle and so eventually, Jake found himself returning to the silent comfort of his bedroom and the curtained vision of Dan’s window.

 

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