Finding Dayton Du'it

By: Solo Voice
(© 2017 by the author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

solo_voice@tickiestories.us

Chapter 17: Epilogue Of Memories.

Lance stood up from the weight bench and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He looked at his body in the mirror and was both pleased and proud of the reflection presented. A momentary thought crossed his mind that someone, the only one, had been able to talk him into working out at all. He had now been working out on a daily basis for almost a decade.

Smiling from that thought, he then walked out of the third bedroom, which once upon a time had been Kat’s room and was now a workout room. Following a quick shower to freshen up, he donned some short shorts but nothing else. He walked down the hallway into the living room and his eyes instantly fell onto the television screen. It displayed the mixed music video DVD, which he had created on his computer via the Internet, years beforehand. It had been playing for the entire time he was working out and it was still playing now.

The familiar sound of a very old but classic song caught hold of him and he dropped onto the couch, remembering back to that day he made the DVD. He had been watching videos of songs on Youtube that elicited feelings and thoughts about Dayton. It was Elton John singing ‘Your Song,’ then and now, which all those years ago, caused him to wish he were capable of writing a song for Dayton. He may have been a writer but songs were an entirely different matter.

Randomly on that long ago day, Lance wondered, “How many professional gay singers are there in the world?’ Subsequently, he typed the question into Google but though there were many options in the list for him to click on, he chose, ‘50 Most Famous Openly Gay Singers, Musical Artists.’ Though Lance knew he should not be at all surprised, still he was, as the names and faces of many different guys, one after the other, slid across the screen. Realizing there were far more then he had known about, he decided to make a mixed video DVD of as many as he could.

Still on the couch, Lance watched Anthony Callea, singing a song called ‘Almost.’ It was a song about two men who came close but did not make it as long-term lovers. This was the song Dayton had been listening to on that first afternoon he moved in, when Lance came home from work. Dayton had been the one who had introduced the music styling’s of this artist to Lance but though Lance loved this song, it was a live stage performance of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone,’ which brought to his attention the exceptional voice and turned him into a fan.

Lance sat and watched another five songs by gay singers from the US, Canada, Ireland, South America and England, before he stood and walked out into the daylight and onto the deck overlooking the water. The afternoon sun was now sending its warmth and rays of light to fill the space but more importantly, onto the sun bed that awaited him.

Sinking slightly into the cushioned material, he stretched out his legs, rested his arms on the armrests and let his head lean back before he closed his eyes. Like soil sucking water into it hungrily, Lance’s richly tanned, bronzed skin consumed the rays it was offered. The sun was one of many joys in his life and as often as he could, Lance would lie down beneath it and soak it up. In his mind, he always felt more alive when he gave his naked skin to the yellow star.

From the living room, the musical sounds of men’s voices continued to float out to his position. The Grammy Award winning Sam Smith was singing ‘Stay With Me’ and softly Lance sang along. When that video finished, because Lance knew the DVD from start to end so well, he therefore knew what was about to follow.

Twenty plus years ago, there had been a teenager, as well as a Youtuber, who had not only come out as gay on the Internet to the world but was also incredibly talented. The young man was a singer and songwriter but it was a trilogy of songs made into videos, which had really caught Lance’s attention.

Lance’s mind turned wholly to the music and though he stayed where he was and his eyes remained closed, because he absolutely loved these three songs, whenever he watched the accompanying videos, he could not watch one without watching all three. In fact, the three videos were released on Youtube as a single video and so ‘Troye Sivan - Blue Neighbourhood Trilogy (Director’s Cut)’ was the one he had put onto his mixed DVD. Even though he was not watching, he could still see the videos in his mind. Together, they told a story.

The first, ‘Wild,’ recalled two boys growing up together. The boys were close, the realities of life were yet to be understood and therefore they simply accepted the growth of their feelings for each other as natural. Neither boy could know how their feelings were going to evolve or how their teenage years would change their lives forever.

In the second video, ‘Fools,’ one of the boys father, an alcoholic, discovers the truth about his son when he finds the teenage boys together in his son’s bedroom. In a dialogue entered between the music and lyrics, screaming at his son, he asks if he’s a fag and if he likes rolling around with boys? In a fit of anger, he hits his son in the face and then warns him he will kill them both if it happens again. In fear, the son decides to close himself off from his feelings, as well as from his friend and while trying to change, he finds himself a girlfriend. The other boy is lost and devastated.

In the final video, ‘Talk Me Down,’ the alcoholic father dies and the video takes place at the funeral. The other boy shows up out of respect and perhaps hopeful, now that the father is gone. The son is grief stricken and standing beside the girlfriend but does not allow his eyes to fall on the other boy. Hurt and saddened by the dismissal, the boy walks away and reflects. The funeral ends, the mourner’s leave and while desiring to spend a final few moments alone with his father, he pushes his girlfriend away. Finally, walking alone, the son sees the other boy sitting by himself and approaches him. They embrace in an expression of their true feelings and everything appears it could be perfect but then the girlfriend finds them embracing and reacts badly. The son goes after the girlfriend while leaving the boy behind and in the following few scenes, the inference is made that the son commits suicide by jumping from the cliff beside the cemetery.

Though the story is truly sad, Lance thought the songs and the videos were amazing and beautiful but also, a true reflection of many a gay youth’s struggles. As he lay on the deck and listened to the final song with sadness in his eyes, he knew the pain of gay sexuality and he hoped that one day in the future, all of these pressures would be gone from the world.

The next video was ‘All American Boy’ by Steve Grand. Lance loved this song as well and though in the end the video was not necessarily a happy ending either, still the catchy beat and the clever words could always grip him and make him remember his first kiss, which coincidently had been with a straight boy as well.

The last video on the DVD was George Michael singing a cover of the Beetles, ‘The Long And Winding Road.’ Though the literal story of the song did not relate to Lance in a pertinent way, still, these days every time he listened to it, he could not help but think about Dayton. Lance knew that if things had been different to the way they worked out, he would have traveled any road, no matter how long or hard or winding and every time he would have ended up back at Dayton’s door.

As if on queue, as the DVD finished, Lance’s phone began to ring. Reaching over to the little table beside him, he picked up the phone, looked at the caller display and smiled. He took the call, put it on loudspeaker and set the phone back down on the table.

“Hey girl,” he said, as always.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Lance, happy birthday to you,” Dimity and Kat sang across the line, also on loudspeaker.

“Why thank you, you old dyke whores,” Lance said and laughed.

“I could still kick your ass, Lance, so that’ll be enough of the dyke whore categorization, especially with the word old attached,” Kat said.

Dimity’s voice followed immediately, “What’s it like to be an ancient, old faggot?

“I feel great for someone ancient, especially considering I’m younger than the both of you by a minimum of two years and a maximum of six years and I look twenty years younger than both of you as well. Anyway, I’m only forty-four,” Lance replied.

“Well, considering all you do is sit on your ass all day tapping on a keyboard, it’s not like your body has been under any great duress,” Kat chimed in.

“Fuck off, Kat. I workout and exercise everyday. Anyway, it’s not like running a book store is physically demanding, so what’s your excuse for the skin hanging off your elbows and also for your tits dragging along the ground?”

“Why are we even friends with him, Kat? He so uncouth,” Dimity said in a posh voice.

“Someone has to care about him,” Kat replied and laughed smugly.

“If you want to talk to each other, why in hell did you call me? Anyway, thanks for calling even though you’re thousands of miles away. What’s the weather like in Spain?”

“Oh Lance, it’s beautiful and the country is amazing,” Kat said.

“You really should get off that homebody ass of yours and do some traveling, I just know you’d love it,” Dimity added.

“Not just now, Ladies. I’m getting close to the end of my novel,” Lance explained.

“You always say that and then you start writing another one. At this rate you’ll be suffering with dementia and won’t remember you’re a writer by the time you get around to leaving San Diego,” Kat said.

“I’m at home in San Diego, I feel happy and comfortable right where I am. I like my life and being surrounded by all my memories that fill this house. Well, except for the ones which include the two of you. Also, to be honest, I’m really not interested in going anywhere else,” Lance clarified.

Changing the subject, Dimity asked, “So what were you doing when we called?”

“I’m sun baking on the back deck, looking out over the beach and listening to a lot of different gay guys serenading me,” Lance replied enigmatically.

Kat said sarcastically, “Are the men naked and imagined or by some strange quirk of fate, are they real?

“They’re on a DVD I’m playing in the background,” Lance explained and chuckled.

“Music, sun and ocean views, it sounds nice,” Dimity said.

“Yeah, it does,” Kat agreed.

Dimity queried knowingly, “Any plans for your birthday?

“A quiet night at home,” Lance said.

“”Fuck, Lance you’re about as much fun as a Koala’s diet,” Kat said.

“Koalas? Let me guess. On your next vacation that’s the next country you’re going to tick off your list of visiting?”

“We’re talking about it,” Dimity said.

“I want to go Downunder and Dimity wants to go to Russia.” Kat said.

“Of course you’d want to go Downunder, Kat, you never stop thinking about going down under Dimity,” Lance said and burst out laughing.

“Gross, Lance, you’re so disgusting,” Kat replied.

“Gross but correct. Ever since I introduced the two of you, both of you have lips that give rise to false thoughts of Botox injections. I know neither of you would ever consider having work of any kind done, so I can only guess at what makes your lips so full. As to which set of lips I’m talking about, I’ll let the two of you decide.”

“You’re truly a deviant,” Kat said, even though both women were chuckling softly.

“When are the two of you due back? I saw on the news this morning that a woman named Deb, accidently burned down a bookstore called ‘The Printed Word.’ I have no idea why, however, for some inexplicable reason, the story made me think of the two of you,” Lance joked with a serious voice, as he tried to get under Kat’s skin.

“A couple days,” Kat said, ignoring the attempt to make her react.

Lance asked, “Will I be seeing you this week, then?”

“We’re not sure, Lance. We both have to comb our hair and have pedicures but once the important things are seen to and if we remember, we’ll give you a call,” Dimity joked in reply.

“Bitch,” Lance said and then continued, “Well, this birthday call must be costing you both a fortune and as you’ll be back in a couple days anyway, I guess we should leave it there. Thank you for the call, thank you for the birthday wishes and thank you for the unexpected smiles you both put on my face. I love you both and I’ll see you soon,” he said.

“It’s not for you to determine the cost of our phone calls, Lance,” Kat replied.

“I know but to be honest, there’s something I need to get done and so as I said, I’ll see you soon,” he repeated.

“All right. Well enjoy your quiet birthday,” Kat said.

“Yeah, happy birthday again,” Dimity followed.

“Thanks and I’ll see you in a few days. Bye,” he said and disconnected the call.

It was not that Lance did not want to talk to his two favorite ladies in the world; it was just that he knew he needed to do what he had planned to do. A conglomeration of ideas from what he remembered here on the deck today, would determine the outcome and end of his novel.

Leaning back into his seat and closing his eyes once more, he still had a large smile on his face from the call with Kat and Dimity. Slowly, the smile faded, as his mind took him back and he remembered the night the two women met. It was the night after he and Dayton had pronounced their love and become boyfriends. Another smile crossed his face and he allowed the memory to form into moving pictures in his mind.

***

The smell of Chicken Cacciatore wafted throughout the house. It was in its final stages, as Lance walked out of the kitchen into the living room. His eyes went immediately to the back of Dayton’s head on the couch, as he subconsciously checked that the most important person in his life was still there, still real and not a figment of his imagination.

Kat glanced up from the single seat lounge as Lance entered the room. She studied the expression on Lance’s face, considered the look in his eyes and she smiled at the obvious sight of love.

“Yes Lance, Dayton’s still here. He didn’t run away or dissolve into the ether while you were in the kitchen,” she said and smirked.

“Fuck off, Kat,” Lance said; as a soft flush of red filled his face while his alien insecurity about losing Dayton consumed him.

Dayton turned around and looked behind the couch, smiling and watching as Lance approached. Lance glanced at Dayton’s smiling face and suddenly every cell of his being had found Nirvana. It seemed impossible to believe that the sight of his boyfriend could make everything else insignificant.

Unexpectedly, something else popped into Lance’s mind. He swiftly looked at Kat before he glanced over at Kat’s antique, analogue clock, which was sitting on one of the shelves of the wall unit. Realizing the time, he halted mid step and changed the direction he was walking. Heading toward the hallway, Lance lied and said, “I need to use the bathroom. I shouldn’t be too long.”

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Dayton said softly, as he returned his attentions to Kat.

“You’re obviously really happy about it, Dayton. I know we haven’t known each other all that long but I’ve never seen you looking so relaxed and at ease within yourself. It’s like talking to another man all together. From the moment I arrived home and you and Lance told me what had happened between the two of you; well, I can see the change in both of you and its dramatic,” Kat said.

“I can’t believe how different I feel. Coming to terms with my nature, admitting something I was never one hundred percent certain about and then, finally allowing my feelings to transform into something real and tangible; I feel like if I looked at myself in the mirror, there’d be a different reflection looking back. It’s why I understand what you just said, Kat,” Dayton replied.

“That’s one of the good feelings about self-acceptance and coming out. Depending on the person, it’s often accompanied by a sense of weightlessness and a new understanding of the self,” Kat said.

“I feel so much more certain about myself. I feel certain about my place and my path and yet even so, I also feel like I’m a bit lost. Every time Lance moves away from me, even to just go to another room, I feel this sense that something’s missing. It almost seems ridiculous except that I know it’s real. I know it’s because he’s not beside me,” Dayton said.

“In my opinion, that’s one of the best parts of falling in love. I don’t know if everyone experiences the feeling but from my experience and from talking to a few people, at the start there’s obsession, passion and desperateness. For me at least, the first time I fell in love, which was quite a few years ago, my world became almost like existing within a different dimension. It was an alternate reality where everything was in high definition instead of standard definition. Everything seemed oddly perfect. It was like all my problems dissolved, the earth and humanity was good and right and every time Lacey; she was my girlfriend back then, every time she spoke to me or touched me or kissed me, it was like every one of my senses became more finely tuned. The memory of that time and those feelings, makes me keep searching for someone I could feel that with again,” Kat explained.

Dayton asked, “How long does the initial feeling last?”

“I’ve spoken to a lot of women and some say a few weeks, some say about six weeks and some have even said three months. For me it was the most intense month in my life, a month that was like I was living inside a dream. After that month, reality began to kick back in but it didn’t matter because we were together and in love.

“Dayton, I think that those who experience that period of infatuation or bliss or whatever you want to call it, want it to last forever. It doesn’t last but what follows is wonderful too. Being in love with someone, being with that person and especially being intimate in such an honest, vulnerable and completely open way, well, there’s nothing else like it as far as I’m concerned,” Kat said.

“Last night I was sound asleep and Lance got out of bed. I don’t even know how I knew but I knew he wasn’t with me and beside me and it woke me up startled. I had to find him and make sure he was still there and okay. It was really weird,” Dayton said.

“No, it’s not weird, Dayton. Falling in love makes us connect with people in a way we don’t with anyone else. It’s why right now, even though you don’t think I know, I actually do know you wish you could take Lance to the bedroom, strip him, make love to him and never let go of him, instead of having dinner. It’s why you both can’t stop looking at each other and why you both want to keep touching each other. It’s why you took the day off from work without a second thought, it’s why you’ve probably been making love all day and it’s also why even a whole night and a whole day wrapped naked around each other isn’t enough. You probably both thought or even said, “I wish this dinner wasn’t happening tonight,” Kat clarified.

Dayton laughed and replied, “Yeah, I said that to Lance a couple hours before you got home. Not that I didn’t want you here, I just wanted to stay with him in bed and keep making love until the end of time.”

“It’s all perfectly natural,” Kat elaborated simply.

Dayton nodded and looked down at the carpet thoughtfully, as he considered how much he hated that Lance was not seated beside him at that moment. Kat grinned and thought, what these two men were feeling was something she should have considered had never been there with Alisha. She wondered how she could know the feeling and yet could not have noticed its absence. That simple realization would have confirmed for her months ago, Alisha and her were never going to be a true love item. Interrupting her thoughts, a second later there was a knock at the front door.

Lance, who was standing just inside the hallway and while waiting, was listening to everything that was being said, now looked up in response to the knock at the door. Quickly and quietly he padded up the hall to the bathroom and stepped in without closing the door or turning on the light. He stopped and listened again, as he waited with a huge grin on his face.

Kat said, “I wonder who that is? Are you or Lance expecting someone?”

“I’m not and to my knowledge, Lance isn’t either,” Dayton replied.

Kat stood and crossed the room to the door. Pulling it back, she felt her breath catch and her body stiffen for no apparent reason, other then instant attraction. Her facial expression showed curiosity, as she looked at the unknown woman standing in front of her and smiling.

The woman was the same height as her, a few years older than her and very well groomed. She had auburn hair, the top of which was full before merging in layers as it was cut close to the back and sides of her head. Her face was slim and beautiful and the makeup she wore was subtle yet highlighting. Beneath a classy, broad shouldered and red jacket was a black silk blouse, which tucked into lovely charcoal pants that rested softly on four-inch heels. Kat was taken aback.

The woman’s smile fell away quickly as she said, “I’m sorry, have I come to the right house? Does Lance Cooper live here?”

“Yes, Lance lives here,” Kat said and then looked at the two bottles of red wine the woman was holding in her hands.

“You don’t look like you were expecting me. I’m Dimity, I’m Lance’s friend and he invited me for dinner,” she said.

As soon as the woman said her name, Kat remembered Lance telling her his other lesbian friend’s name was Dimity. Realizing this was another gay woman and remembering Lance had said he thought the two of them would make a great couple, Kat looked at Dimity even more intensely and suddenly the woman was even more attractive.

“Oh! I’m Kat, I live here as well and Lance failed to tell me you were coming or that he even invited you, for that matter.”

Dimity asked, “Is he here?”

“Yeah, he’s here. I’m sorry, please come in,” Kat said and ushered Dimity through the doorway.

Dimity found it curious that Lance had told her about Dayton but that he had not mentioned he was living with a woman as well. She looked closely at Kat as she entered the house and walked passed her while thinking that Kat was really very attractive. She wanted to stop and talk more with Kat but then she saw a man and she was certain from Lance’s detailed description on the phone the morning before, the handsome, dark haired man had to be Dayton. She continued walking toward him.

Dayton stood up after listening to the brief conversation and turned to face the woman who was walking farther into the room. As this was occurring, Kat was suddenly straightening her clothes and running her fingers through her hair to make sure she looked okay.

“You must be Dayton,” Dimity said.

Kat closed the door, turned around and then admired the shape of the woman’s body and the fit of the beautiful outfit from behind.

“I am,” Dayton said while looking at the woman curiously.

While extending her hand she said, “Dimity.”

“Hi,” Dayton said and stepped forward to meet and shake her hand. “Obviously Lance has spoken to you about me but he’s never mentioned you and so this is a little strange,” he said.

“Oh, I spoke to Lance on the phone yesterday morning and that was the first time he told me about you. Nothing bad, I assure you. It was also when Lance invited me for dinner. He also sent me a text message this morning to confirm it was going ahead,” Dimity explained.

Again Dayton looked at her curiously, as he wondered how and when Lance had sent a text message that morning without his knowledge. As far as Dayton could remember, they had not left each other’s side all day. They had even showered together.

Kat, who had closed the distance as she followed in behind Dimity, was now standing still and watching and listening to the conversation. Kat was in direct line of sight from the hallway and unbeknownst to anyone, Lance was standing silently in the darkened area and watching. He was studiously studying Kat’s face while trying to determine her reaction to Dimity. Kat seemed overly self-conscious, as she ran her hands over her clothes and kept looking down at them. Lance grinned; he was certain this would be a match made in heaven.

Unexpectedly, Kat felt like someone was watching her and she swung her head as she looked down the hall. She spotted Lance and initially she wondered what in hell he was doing but as she took in his eyes and saw his amused expression, her mouth dropped open, as she surmised the possibility this was a setup. For a moment she thought it was inappropriate, considering she had only broken up with Alisha the day before, however, her mind went immediately to the woman in front of her and incongruously, she felt a little hypocritical, as she found herself liking the idea. Even so, Kat glared at Lance in an, ‘How could you do this,’ type of way.

With a tongue-in-cheek smirk, as he stared into her eyes, he began to walk down the hall. Kat continued to glare at him but there was nothing she could do or say and then Lance called out, “Hey girl, glad you could make it. Have you met Kat and Dayton?”

Dimity turned toward the hall and as she watched Lance enter the living room she said, “Yes but Lance, you forgot to tell your friends I was invited.”

“Did I? Oh, I’m sorry, how absent-minded of me. Well, it doesn’t matter now, we’re all here and so let’s have a good night. Please, Dimity, let me take the wine and you make yourself comfortable and sit wherever you’d like,” he said and then hugged her and kissed her on the cheek, before glancing slyly at Kat and giving another smirk.

Not too long following, the two men and the two women were sitting around the dinner table and as they ate and drank, the mood was merry, laughter filled the house and the conversation was easy.

“Even though it was everything and more than I’d been wishing for, I still could hardly believe Dayz was kissing me and holding me in his arms,” Lance said.

“I can imagine,” Kat said.

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive,” Dimity quoted, referring to the whole drama that Lance had explained only minutes before, had played out over the previous two weeks.

“I wasn’t deceiving him,” Lance defended.

“I wouldn’t have cared if he was deceiving me, as long as things ended up the way they did,” Dayton said.

“Of course not. All gay men need is to be naked and have some hard cock added to the equation and everything of importance goes out the window,” Dimity joked.

“We’re not all sluts and slaves to cock,” Dayton said.

“Well, I certainly wasn’t until yours was in my mouth, Dayz,” Lance said and laughed.

“Or any other place Ohio wanted to slide it into,” Kat added but no one saw the confused look on Dimity’s face.

Lance raised an eyebrow but then shrugged and said, “What the fuck, Dayz can slide it anywhere he wants to, as long as it’s only with me. That meat is mine and I’m not willing to share.”

Unintentionally changing the subject, Dimity questioned, “What does Ohio have to do with anything?”

“It’s what Kat calls me, you know, Dayton, Ohio,” Dayton clarified.

“Oh, I see, I thought you were referring to the state and I thought I must have missed some important part of the conversation,” Dimity said and they all laughed.

Dayton said, “Speaking of states, where are you from, Dimity?”

“I was born and raised right here in California. What about you? I’m sure you’re not from Ohio.”

“No, I was born in Portland, Oregon.”

Attempting to look and sound blasé, Dimity slowly turned her head and looked at the other woman again and asked, “What about you, Kat, where are you from?”

“I’m from here as well. Born and bred right here in San Diego but tell me, Dimity, how and when did you and Lance meet?”

“Lance used to rent the apartment across the hall from me in Altadena. One night he knocked on my door and if you can believe it, he actually asked if he could borrow a cup of sugar. I had to stop myself from laughing until I saw the cup in his hand and realized he was serious,” Dimity explained.

Lance said, “I still don’t see why that’s funny? Haven’t you ever run out of something and had to borrow from a neighbor?”

“Lance, it’s not that you ran out or that you had to borrow, it’s just that it’s such a cliché,” Dimity said.

“I’ll give you some sugar, Baby, any time you want it,” Dayton said.

“And I’ll take it, Dayz, any time you want to offer it.”

Kat rolled her eyes at the two men but then asked, “What do you do for work, Dimity?”

“As of last Friday, I’m unemployed. I worked in an office for an insurance company. In truth, I hated and despised it, even though I never would’ve admitted it before Friday. Anyway, I was made redundant and now I’m trying to decide what I want to do with myself.”

“Dimity’s considering starting a business of her own, unfortunately, she’s not sure what she wants to do. Yesterday we discussed a line of dildos for gay men and lesbians,” Lance said and chuckled as he winked at Dimity.

“There’s nothing like a business in sales when so many people will buy the product,” Kat joked.

Dimity and Lance looked at each other and burst into laughter, following Kat taking the joke in the reverse direction they had taken it the day before.

Kat asked, now showing a lot of attention to Lance’s friend, “In all seriousness, Dimity, what would you like to do?”

“I’m not sure. I’ve been thinking about it but I haven’t come up with an idea that really sparks my attention. I like the idea of a small, independent business but exactly what, I just don’t know yet. What do you do, Kat?”

“I own my own bookstore.”

Dimity’s eyes lit up instantly and Lance looked over at her and said, “Practical and creative in a small business format.”

“Yes, that’s definitely along the lines of what I meant. I can’t say I’m particularly creative but something like that would certainly cover the bases,” Dimity said.

As the night wore on in a perfect and relaxed manner, as much as Lance could barely stop staring at Dayton staring at him, still Lance managed to watch Kat and Dimity like a hawk. He kept noticing how the two women’s eyes were covertly checking each other out whenever they thought no one was watching. He also noticed how with every varying conversation that was discussed, both women found it necessary to constantly asked each other’s opinion about whatever they were all talking about. Lance was certain he had been right about them and he was even more certain after a couple hours of talking, something was going to happen between the two women.

Later that night after dinner, when they moved into the living room, Lance grabbed Dayton by the arm and stopped him from following. While Dayton and he were still in the kitchen, Lance told him what he was up to, what he had done and that he wanted them to give the women some time alone. Agreeably, Dayton suggested they clean up the dishes to allow the plan to unfold even further.

Initially, Lance and Dayton began cleaning up but in the middle of washing and drying the dishes, their hunger and new obsession with each other got in the way and before they knew what was happening, they were kissing and caressing while struggling to not strip each other naked and get down and dirty on the kitchen floor.

Eventually, knowing what they wanted was not particularly appropriate under the circumstances, reluctantly going back to the task at hand, they finished cleaning up. They did not even make it from the kitchen sink to the breakfast bar before Dayton was all over Lance again. For another ten minutes or so, they shared in some love struck, heavy petting until finally, they made it to the kitchen door.

Between their unassociated actions of cleaning and making out, when the men finally left the kitchen, it was about an hour later. As they stepped into the living room they discovered Kat and Dimity were standing on the deck and leaning on the balustrade, where only the previous afternoon, the men had begun their love. Dayton smirked and then quietly walked across the room and put on a romantic, love song CD, before he grabbed Lance by the hand and whisked him off to the bedroom. Dimity did not go home that night and two weeks later, she moved into the house as Kat’s new lady.

It was only a month later that the store next to ‘The Printed Word’ was purchased by Dimity. With her years of saving combined with her redundancy payout, along with some good advice from her accountant, the women took a lone at the bank as business partners and three months following, building began to expand the two stores into one. Kat’s dream was coming true and Dimity’s desire for a specific type of business came into fruition.

Kat and Dimity remained living in the house with Lance and Dayton for just over another year but finally, with a desire to begin a new life together and alone, the women bought a house not too far from the bookstore and the nature of the household changed. By that point, Dayton and Lance were more financially secure and so they made no effort to find another housemate.

***

Lance opened his eyes and a very pleased smile brightened his face. He stared at a multitude of strangers walking up or down the beach and he inhaled deeply as he took in the salty air. Even today, all these years later, he still loved Kat and Dimity and he was still so happy he had been able to bring them together. It had been twenty years and the women were the perfect partners, both in business and in love. A brief spark of a thought crossed his mind, as he considered how sad it was that some relationships could not make the grade.

Standing up, Lance decided he wanted a coffee. He may have been fitter than he ever was before but he was even more the caffeine junky all these years later. He walked directly to the sound system and pressed play without changing the DVD. He was perfectly happy to listen to the whole thing once again. As it started up, he went to the kitchen, made his coffee and walked back to the deck while eating a single cookie.

A moment following making himself comfortable on the sun bed once again, an old dog, fifteen years of age, made its way slowly up the steps and meandered over to Lance’s side. Lance’s eyes filled with love because this was the dog Dayton had brought into their lives. Of course it was no longer the dog it had once been but still it was a symbol of their relationship. Lance wondered how long the Golden Retriever had left to live. Twelve years was about the average life expectancy of a dog and this one was now fifteen. The dog named Boy, had once had big eyes, which were shining displays of emotion. Today they were no longer milk chocolate brown. These days they were glazed over with age and Boy was slowly loosing his sight.

“Hello Boy, where have you been? Lying on the soft grass in the sun? Who’s my beautiful boy? It’s you, isn’t it,” he said, as he leaned forward and petted Boy’s head before wrapping his arms around him and kissing him multiple times.

The name ‘Boy’ was not given out of laziness or an inability to choose a name. All those years ago, Dayton had brought him home, yet to name him. Lance had taken to the dog immediately and both men were calling the dog, Boy, temporarily. When Lance had asked him his name, Dayton had joked, “Boy, because I need a new one to satisfy me.” The name was not meant to stick but it did and Boy was soon a valid and truly loved member of the two-man family.

Lance leaned back against the sun bed and Boy walked to the end of it and with a little bit of a struggle, he lifted his old legs and dragged his body up and lay between Lance’s legs. He curled his body, closed his eyes and within minutes he was sound asleep.

Smiling at Boy, at the same time, from the music DVD, Savage Garden began singing ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply.’ Lance’s expression changed suddenly and he closed his eyes once again. The memory came easily but it was not a particularly good one. Even so, it filled his mind and he gave it permission to continue, from start to conclusion. In essence, the event had in a way, occurred as a consequence of another change that took place in his life. It was not really his fault and was just a matter of misunderstanding but still, that single change had almost brought an end to his relationship with Dayton.

***

Three years following Dayton and Lance becoming partners, a wonderful thing happened for Lance. Lance had considered himself an average writer but one day, as he sat down at his computer, an entirely different type of story began to pour out of him. Over the next five weeks, Lance became obsessed with a novel and a good ninety percent of his time and focus turned toward his possible dream coming true. He wrote and edited like an obsessed madman, however, at no point did he stop to think or realize the effect it was having on Dayton.

In their first month together, the men had decided that Lance’s room would become their bedroom. Dayton’s room became a spare bedroom but he left everything as it was. They slept together every night but when Dayton got up for work, he left their room, closed the door and dressed in his old room so as not to disturb Lance’s sleep.

Three years later, following nearly a week of Lance doggedly sitting at his computer into the late hours of the night, Dayton stopped sleeping in their bed and returned to his old bedroom for a better night’s sleep. In a way he did not mind because it was for Lance but after a couple nights sleeping apart, Dayton began feeling ignored. Initially he said nothing because he knew writing was what Lance did, it was what Lance wanted to do for the rest of his life and also, because Dayton understood how an interruption could upset the flow of the written word.

Irrespective of these changes, when there was no coffee when he arrived home from work and there was barely any conversation between them and most importantly, when Lance’s late night writing started to continue into the early hours of the morning, the feelings and the effects increased. When Lance stopped coming to bed and their complete lack of sex seemed to Dayton as almost expected, it soon caused Dayton’s moods to change. Everything caused his doubts and his insecurities to fill his mind.

When the third week came and went and still nothing had changed, Dayton wondered if Lance did not care about him anymore. Even though he knew better, he wondered if Lance was over him and if he did not want to be with him anymore. They had been together for three years and nothing like this had ever happened. Doubting Lance but also doubting himself, Dayton decided he would test if Lance really did care about him.

On the Monday of the forth week, Dayton decided he would go out after work and not go home until late. He decided he would not call and he would not let Lance know. He wondered if Lance would notice his absence or even if he would care. Dayton was truly hurting and in a way he wanted to get really drunk so he could numb the feelings that were bothering him so deeply.

After three years with Lance, Dayton had become a fully-fledged tradesman and had chosen to be a carpenter like Jake. Three years before, though, three months after the day Dayton had assumed Jake was gay, Dayton had finally gone out with Jake for drinks after work and on that afternoon, they had come out to each other. Dayton also told Jake about being with Lance and that he was in love with Lance and in a serious relationship. Subsequently, Jake and Dayton had never been more than friends.

Jake was now almost thirty-two, he was still a single man and though he liked the idea of a relationship, he had never met the right guy and so he simply hooked up with guys on a regular basis. With his exceptional good looks and his incredible, big and hard body, gay guys on the scene flocked to him like flies around a honey pot. Jake could get laid with a look. As a consequence, he frequented the gay bars and nightclubs multiple times per week.

On the Monday, when Dayton asked him to go out for drinks after work, Jake was perfectly okay with it and took Dayton to a bar. Jake could tell Dayton was not his usual self and so as they sat and drank, they talked the hours away. Dayton told Jake what was happening with Lance and as Jake was their friend and often visited them at home, he therefore had seen the way Dayton and Lance were when they were together. He could not understand why Lance would be pushing Dayton away and he thought the situation sounded odd.

Though initially Jake’s motives had been honorable, as the hours ticked by and the men drank more, the thought crossed Jake’s mind that if there was a serious problem between Lance and Dayton, he might finally have an opportunity with the younger man he really liked and was seriously attracted to.

Once both men were very drunk and with Dayton feeling dismissed by Lance while Jake was treating him like the hottest man alive, something between them began to change. Before too long, Jake’s arm was around Dayton’s shoulders and Jake’s other hand was pressed against Dayton’s chest, as he told Dayton he was a prize to be caught and someone to be held onto and to be cherished. Jake’s words of seduction only made Dayton’s feelings about Lance more prominent and eventually, an hour later, in Jake’s home, Dayton allowed and accepted the emotional attentions and the physical advances, as an older, alpha male seduced, dominated and led Dayton into a drunk, though lustful and unforgettable heaven.

Much later, following a guilty shower, Dayton left Jake’s home and got into his car. He pulled out his phone and checked but the were no missed calls, no text messages and no voice mails. Dayton was angry with himself but now he was even more hurt because Lance did not seem to care.

When he arrived home at two in the morning and stealthily entered the house, Lance was still in the room writing and did not even notice he was there. Subsequently, Dayton went to bed in his old room without letting Lance know he was home or without even saying a word.

Awakening on Tuesday morning, Dayton was badly hung over but Lance was in bed beside him in the spare room and in a deep unconscious sleep. Dayton got out of bed, repeated his morning routine and left for work hurriedly.

While driving to work, Dayton thought the night with Jake had been incredible and he knew it would be easy to do it again. Jake was a hunk and a stud and Jake really liked him. In addition, Dayton really liked Jake, a lot.

There was of course a major problem. Dayton was crazy in love with Lance. The last thing he really wanted was to break up or to leave Lance. The thought of not being together or of not seeing Lance or of never kissing him again, it was nothing less than unfathomable.

Jake was so handsome and he was physically magnificent and he was also a sexual stud. Their relationship was so easy, so friendly and so connected; Dayton knew taking that single step would be a simple step to take. However, Jake was his best friend. He loved Jake but not in the same way.

Dayton knew that regardless of what was happening with Lance, he had made a serious mistake. From the core of his mind his own voice kept screaming at him, telling him he had to talk with Lance, he had to tell Lance how he was feeling and finally, he had to tell Lance what he had done.

That afternoon when Dayton arrived home, once again he found Lance sitting at his computer and writing. He stood at the bedroom door behind Lance staring at him but Lance did not even know he was there. Once again there was no coffee and everything seemed so wrong.

“Hi,” Dayton said.

Lance jumped from the unexpected disturbance and turned around in his chair before saying, “Hi, Dayz.”

Dayton saw the smile and the momentary look of love in Lance’s eyes but then Lance said, “Dayz, I’m on a serious roll here and I can’t stop. Let me finish up the part in my head and then I’ll come see you,” before he turned back to the screen and started typing again.

Dayton’s face dropped. The hurt and sadness in his eyes was obvious but Lance was once again in his fictitious world and was not even looking at him to see. He wanted to scream at Lance and abuse the shit out of him but Dayton also knew, as much as he had the right to do so on Monday, he did not have the same right today. He turned away, showered, dressed, worked out and ate dinner alone, before going to bed once again without his boyfriend. Lance did not show his face like he said he would, even though the next morning Dayton discovered Lance in bed with him asleep.

The next day, when Dayton came home from work, a coffee was made, Lance was cooking dinner and he appeared from the kitchen as Dayton came through the front door. Greeted with a kiss, Lance told him to take his shower because dinner would be ready soon.

In the shower, Dayton was fuming. For nearly five weeks he had been fundamentally ignored and suddenly today everything was like nothing had changed. Part of him wanted to walk into the kitchen and knock Lance on his ass. Unfortunately, the reason he was really angry and not happy, was no longer because of Lance’s writing or his absence but because of what he had done with Jake. Dayton wanted to scream at the top of his voice and his guilt felt so completely overwhelming.

As Dayton showered, he wondered what he should do and how he should go about dealing with the situation he was in. He hated how things had changed and he remembered how when Lance and he first got together, he was always pronouncing his love to Lance and playing love songs to him all the time. With that thought, Lance decided how to approach the situation, even though he thought it might come across as hypocritical.

Getting out of the shower, Dayton dried off, went to the bedroom and slipped into his shorts and then went immediately to the living room. He turned on the sound system, found the song he used to play to Lance all the time and he turned the volume up as he stood and stared at the kitchen doorway.

A moment later, Savage Garden’s, ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply’ began to play and seconds later Lance walked out and looked at Dayton with a smile of recollection, as Dayton stared back intensely. It did not take long before Lance noticed an unusual look deep within Dayton’s eyes.

It was odd that neither man moved, as they stood on opposite sides of the room looking at each other. Dayton had seen the change in expression on Lance’s face and he knew that Lance knew something was not right. The song continued to play and as the men continued to stare at each other, the intensity grew within the silence behind the loudness of the music and lyrics. When the song was only moments from coming to an end, Dayton began to cry.

Filled with innate uncertainty yet shocked by the sudden occurrence, Lance moved across the room to Dayton. He reached out and held Dayton by the upper arms but did not embrace him. Lance was worried but he felt so unsure from the strange mixture of occurrences.

“Dayz, what is it? What’s happened? What’s wrong?

Dayton looked deeply and sadly into Lance’s eyes but his words were stuck inside and he could not get the truth to release. He started crying more heavily.

Lance stared and wanted to hold him but even more so at that moment, he felt certain everything about this situation was wrong. He stepped back away from Dayton; a stray thought that Dayton was going to tell him things were over between them. It made no sense but nothing made sense to Lance at that moment.

The song came to an end and the house was filled with silence. Feeling like he had to get to the bottom of what was going on and regardless of the consequences, Lance took Dayton’s hand and led him to sit down on the couch. Lance moved back and sat side on to Dayton and then with trepidation he said, “Dayton, tell me what’s going on.”

Dayton looked at Lance and he felt so afraid of what the consequences would be. Part of him felt like if he started to explain the way he wanted to, it would seem like he was putting the blame on Lance. Even so, he thought Lance needed to know there was a reason for what had happened.

“Lance, I know how important your writing is to you and I know that it’s your biggest hope that one day you might get published but do you even know how it feels for me?”

Lance looked at him confused and said, “I don’t understand, Dayz.”

“Lance, you’ve barely looked at me or spoken to me in over a month.”

“Dayz, I’m sorry but the story in my head was complete and every time I sit down, it’s like a channel opens and the words pour through it. Though it might seem odd to you, a writer can’t always just put a plug in it and then come back to it later, pull the plug and let it flow again. Sometimes you’ve just got to keep going. Since I started this new work it’s been like that for me. I’m afraid if I stop I won’t finish it. I’m sorry if it’s seemed like I’m ignoring you but I thought you understood. I really think a publisher might like this,” Lance explained.

“I’m sure they will and I’m sure you’ll be published but Lance, sometimes you haven’t even been aware if I were here or not. It seemed to me like you didn’t care whether I was alive or dead. Everything that had always been between us was suddenly gone and I became afraid you didn’t really love me anymore,” Dayton said.

“Dayz, that’s silly. Tell me that isn’t the reason why you’re crying. You know I’m insanely in love with you and that I couldn’t bear to be without you, even though it may not have seemed that way since I began this book. Shit Dayz, if you were feeling like that, why didn’t you come and say something to me? This novel may be really important to me but it doesn’t come close to being as important as you are to me.”

Dayton’s heart lit up brightly but a second later it sunk to the depth of the deepest ocean. He looked at Lance with eyes filled with guilt.

Lance saw the look in Dayton’s eyes instantly and though he really did not know what was behind it, he said somewhat accusingly, “Dayz, what have you done?”

“I didn’t do it purposely, Lance, it just happened.”

Lance slid backward across the couch a few inches, as a fearful expression crossed his face. His mouth was open and he was shaking his head in disbelief as he said, “What just happened? Dayz, what did you do?”

“Lance, I felt like you didn’t even notice me when I came home. Half the time you didn’t know I was there and hours could go by before you even spoke to me and even then it was only for a couple minutes before you went back to your computer. I got this thought in my mind that I needed to find out if you would notice if I was missing. So, last Monday, I didn’t call you or tell you and I went out after work with Jake for drinks. I wanted so desperately for you to call me and to ask me where I was and when I’d be home but you didn’t. I needed to talk to someone and Jake’s so easy to talk to and so I told him how I was feeling.”

Lance was shocked that Dayton had not come home and he had not noticed. He felt angry with himself but then the second thing Dayton had said filled his mind and he said with irritation, “You could tell Jake how you were feeling but you couldn’t come and talk to me? How often do you talk to other people about our relationship?”

“Never, Lance. I never have before because I’ve never felt any need to.”

“And the first time you needed to you went to someone else instead of me?”

“Lance, I really was beginning to think you didn’t care anymore. I thought maybe three years of me was enough and that some story was more important to you than me.”

“It’s nice to know what you really think of me, Dayton.”

Dayton looked up in shock, when for the first time in three years, Lance had suddenly spoken his full name. He looked at Lance’s face and he could see the anger.

Resigned, Dayton said, “Just by looking at you, I can guess where this is going to lead and so I’m just going to come right out with it and tell you.”

Lance’s eyes opened wider, knowing he really did not want to hear where this was going.

“Jake and I got really drunk. He didn’t understand why you’d be ignoring me because as he said, he’d seen us together every time he came to the house to visit us and he thought you and I would be together for life. Lance, Jake’s our friend and my best friend. He’s been a good friend but I didn’t realize he had feelings for me. I was in such a bad place where you and I were concerned, as well as how alone I was feeling. In our drunken state, well, what happened moved beyond where it should.”

Lance slid farther backwards along the couch. His eyes welled with tears but as he opened his mouth to say something, he was caught between his love and his hurt and his sudden anger. He lifted off the couch, stormed into the kitchen, turned off the oven and then went to their room and slammed the door without saying a word.

Dayton followed him and called out but Lance yelled at him to leave him alone and to stay away from him. Dayton turned around and leaned on the door. He stood silent and still while staring at the ceiling for nearly a minute, before sliding down the door and sitting unmoving for a very long time. Hours went by with nothing but silence coming from their room and so finally, Dayton stood up, closed the house, turned off the lights and went into his old bedroom to see out the night alone.

Neither man slept and so when Lance came out at around three in the morning to make a strong mug of coffee, Dayton came out and followed. As soon as Lance saw Dayton entering the kitchen, he yelled at him to fuck off, to get out of his sight and not to come near him again.

Feeling guilty and also feeling deserving of the treatment, Dayton returned to his old room. He was certain that by tomorrow, Lance would tell him to pack his things and leave. Dayton managed maybe twenty minutes of sleep and so just after dawn he called in sick and told his boss he might not be in for a few days. When he saw Lance again it was late morning but when he spoke to him, Lance ignored him and would not even look at him.

Dayton spent the day pacing, wandering and sitting. He was in his own kind of hell and he knew it was a hell he had created. If anyone had been around to see or take notice, he would have appeared as a completely lost soul.

Early that afternoon, still in the room behind a closed door, Lance did something he had not done in three years. He opened the old file entitled Dayton and when he finished reading all of the entries, he was crying and questioning if everything he had thought and felt and written, would amount to nothing. Inexplicably, some part of him told him to write another entry. He sat back and sighed, as he considered how ridiculous the thought seemed but then with a shrug of his shoulders, he sat forward and began to type.

Wednesday, May 10.

I don’t know why I feel so confused. Part of me is feeling guilty and like I’m the cause of what’s happened while the other part feels so completely betrayed. My mind is telling me I didn’t do anything wrong and that I certainly didn’t fuck some man behind Dayton’s back. The problem is what Dayton explained. I know I’ve been sitting at this computer for weeks and that the only real time I’ve stood up and walked away with no intention of returning minutes later, was to go to bed. In thoughtful retrospect, I guess I can now see how that must have made him feel. I get that and it was insensitive on my part but still…

Fuck, how could he do that? How could he have sex with another man without even coming to me or trying to talk to me? Was it too hard to tell me he was feeling insecure and needed some validation? I know he shouldn’t need to have to ask but for fucks sake…

I fucking hate him for doing this. No, that’s another problem. I don’t hate him and that makes it harder because I want to hit him and hurt him and make him feel pain. I want him to know how deeply he has cut me. What’s the name of that old Rod Stewart song? Oh yeah, ‘The First Cut Is The Deepest,’

I also hate that I have to admit what I’m about to. I’m so unbelievably jealous. I want to get in my car and go over to Jake’s place and run him through with a sword. He’s supposed to be our friend. Jesus, he comes to our house a couple times a week. He has dinner with us and even spent Christmas with us. How the fuck could he have taken Dayton to his bed? It’s a cunt act.

The man is one of the hottest men I’ve ever seen. Surely he’d have no problem finding his own partner but no, he has to want mine. Shit, if Dayton had never been around and I’d met Jake, I’d have put the hard word on him. Jake is the type of man I always looked at as my ideal. He’s a man’s man, a powerful man and a stunning man as well and from what I saw that day on the beach, equipped is an understatement. He had a fucking buffet in his Speedo and he fed it to Dayton.

Christ, I want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs. I know it’s not really about Jake. He’s a really nice guy and that day when he and I talked when Dayton wasn’t around, he admitted to me he was really lonely and wanted a life like Dayton and I have.

Have or Had? Now there’s a question?

So what? Now I’m going to tell him to leave? Is that what I want? To be the guy who can’t forgive? ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply;’ hell, that was a smart move, Dayton. I hate you for it but at the same time, you offered it with a true and unquestionable look in your eyes.

Shit, I feel like someone blew a hole right through my body with a sawn-off shotgun at close range.

Three years, Dayton, doesn’t that mean anything? Three years of giving my all to you, three years of you giving your all to me and then, “Ah, what the hell, I think tonight I’ll fuck someone else and destroy Lance?” Do you even know that I want to rip your heart out of your body right now?

In a way I wish life wasn’t so full of grays. I wish it could be easy – black or white. I hate you so fuck off or I love you so stay but no, we human beings have to feel and to think and to spin around until we’re sucked down into a whirlpool of uncertainty.

Why can’t I just be the old, pragmatic Lance? Before Dayton, I would never have accepted a choice like the one he made. He’d already be turfed out onto the street but damn it if I don’t love him more than life itself. Fuck!

You know what all of this is saying, Lance. You’re telling yourself what you want, what you want to do and also, deep down you know it’s the only thing to do.

Lance sat back, sighed heavily and pushed the hurt deep inside. He considered standing up and going to talk to Dayton but he knew the moment he saw him he would want to throw him under a passing bus. Lance turned, looked at his phone and then picked it up and made the call. He knew he needed a voice of reason and someone to validate that his heart was telling him the right thing to do. There was only one person to call. The moment he heard that person’s voice, though, Lance could not control his emotions and he began to cry again.

“Lance? What’s wrong?”

“I, I…”

“Fuck Lance, take a deep breath and talk to me,” Victor said.

Lance was sobbing in a whisper-like fashion and Victor was momentarily uncertain of what to say. A thought ran through Victor’s mind that perhaps Dayton was dead but he pushed the thought away quickly, as a rectifying solution came to him.

“Lance, listen to me. Take a couple deep breaths and then regardless of whatever is wrong, just for a few moments I want you to think about something else. It’ll help you to focus so I don’t care what you think about. I’ve got it, tell me how your book is going.”

Lance felt a surge of irritation rush through him and with and angry voice he growled, “Apparently that’s the problem.”

Confused, Victor asked, “What does that mean?”

“When you called me last week, before I dismissed you and ended the call, I told you how manic I’ve been with writing the fucking novel. Vic, it’s a wonder I don’t have blisters on my ass from sitting at the computer eighteen to twenty hours a day. The story is pouring out of me in a way no story ever has. I haven’t been able to stop myself, I’ve barely thought about anything else for weeks and now it seems…”

When Lance trailed off, Victor heard the familiar sound of intense emotion knotting in his throat, as Lance tried to stop himself from crying.

“Lance, take another deep breath and try to compose yourself. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“I’m not so sure,” Lance replied.

“Explain it to me,” Victor said.

“Vic, my obsession with writing this novel has had an effect I didn’t anticipate. I left Dayz alone.”

“What do you mean you left him alone?”

“I was unintentionally ignoring him,” Lance said.

“Let me get this right, Lance. What you’re trying to say to me is that when you said manic about your writing, you meant it factually? You’re saying that you’ve been writing all these weeks so obsessively that you’ve pushed Dayton onto the backburner?”

“Backburner? Apparently I put him in a Tupperware container and slid him to the back of the refrigerator.”

“Nothing left to the imagination with that metaphor but okay, I think I’ve got the gist of what you’re saying. Anyway, so let me guess. Your unintentional dismissal of Dayton’s presence in your life, has led him to think you were being selfish and self-absorbed and as a consequence you’ve had a huge fight with him?”

“No, Vic. Dayton and I have had our share of arguments in our time. An hour later we laugh it off and engage in regretful, apology sex. What’s happened is far beyond anything like that. The thing is, Dayton started questioning how I felt about him. He thought I was over him and I didn’t want to be with him. He thought I was pushing him away.

“Fuck, it shits me so much because even though it seems ridiculous to me, I can still see how his insecure side might make him go there. I can’t believe I didn’t consider him as I let every moment of our lives fall into an ‘I’ll get to it later’ tray. I didn’t see and I didn’t notice because I wasn’t there to be able to. I was too obsessed with the ease of the way I was writing.”

“Okay, I understand. So what’s happened?”

“You know Dayton’s friend from work that I’ve spoken to you about, Jake?”

“Yeah,” Victor replied.

“They had sex,” Lance said.

Victor gasped out in shock, “What?”

“Fuck, Vic, you know that Kate Bush song, ‘Babooshka?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, it seems in a similar fashion, excluding the masquerading pretense, Dayton decided to test me and I failed miserably. He went out with Jake after work for drinks and he didn’t tell me or call me and all so I would notice his absence. I didn’t notice, Vic. I didn’t call him and ask what was going on because I was oblivious and didn’t even notice he wasn’t home. Jake and he got really drunk and one thing led to another,” Lance explained.

“Shit,” Victor replied, absolutely stunned.

“Yeah,” Lance said softly.

“So what did you do? Did you kick Dayton out?”

“No. I came into the bedroom and told him to stay away from me. I’ve hardly left the room since yesterday afternoon. I’ve been so upset and so angry with him and I’ve been trying to decide what I’m going to do. Just before I called you I realized that as angry and hurt with him as I am, I’m still crazy in love with him, I don’t want him gone and I want to forgive him.

“The thing is, I’m angry with myself for being so oblivious but I’m so completely angry with him for not coming to me and talking to me. I mean for fucks sake, I’m not a fucking mind reader, even if I should have been a million times more thoughtful. Vic, I want it to be all about Jake and the two of them naked and fucking behind my back, just so I can hold onto my anger and resentment. The other thing is, as wrong as it was, well, I just can’t get passed the thought it was my fault.”

“Lance, it wasn’t your fault. I mean, yeah, I get it and I understand but while what you did was thoughtless and a little selfish, what Dayton did, at least on some level, was maybe a way to hurt you. He made a choice, drunk or not, to have sex with someone else.”

“Maybe, Vic. Still, it wouldn’t have even happened if I’d been there, even just a little bit more than I was. I’ve been thinking about this for nearly twenty-four hours and its occurred to me that I haven’t had sex with Dayton in over a month. Yesterday afternoon before he told me what he’d done, was one of only a couple times I’ve kissed him in that same period of time. Before I started writing this fucking novel, if he didn’t kiss me the moment he came home from work, I would’ve made a smart remark that he didn’t love me anymore. Talk about fucking irony.”

“I see your point, Lance.”

“Vic, tell me what to do. I know part of me wants you to tell me he’s a prick and that I should tell him to fuck off but at the same time, that’s the last thing I want to hear. Vic, you’re always straight with me, you always tell me how it is and so I need you to be straight with me now.”

Victor was silent for a few moments, as Lance sat in his chair staring at the desktop wallpaper of the orange sunset and the two male silhouettes on the cliff top. These days, Lance imagined the men in the picture were he and Dayton and right at that moment his only thought was he did not want to replace the wallpaper, now or ever.

“Lance, what’s the most important thing in your life?”

“Dayton,” Lance replied without a pause or a thought.

“Are you certain you’re still in love with him?”

“Unquestionably,” Lance replied.

“Is what Dayton has done the worst thing that could’ve happened?”

“No but…”

“Lance, is it unforgiveable?”

“No but I’m hurt and so filthy with him,” Lance said aggressively.

“Lance, do you want to be alone and do you want to take a risk on finding someone else to replace Dayton?”

“No one could replace Dayz.”

“Then Lance, get off your fucking, non-blistered ass, open the door and go and talk to him. Sitting in a room simmering and rehashing can only lead to the things you don’t want to happen. You’re a very smart man, Lance, at least when you let yourself be, so do what your heart’s telling you to do and go and forgive him, hold him, kiss him and have some make up sex if you need to.

“Lance, trust me, a life alone, a life without touch and without love and a life where your heart doesn’t beat for a man who loves you, like Dayton loves you; fuck, Lance, it’s the worst choice you could make. Take it from someone who had no choice.”

Lance’s hurt and pain and sadness momentarily disappeared, as he heard the perilous loneliness in Victor’s tone. Though Victor would never admit to being lonely and would argue the semantics of alone or lonely when Lance accused Victor of being lonely, still Lance knew how lonely Victor was. He also knew how dark Victor’s world had become. Lance knew by comparison, finding Dayton had made him one of the truly lucky ones.

“You’re right, Vic. As usual,” Lance said.

“So what are you doing still talking to me? Tell me I’m divine wisdom and divine intelligence later. Right now, say goodbye and go and reclaim the man of your dreams.”

“You’re all of that and more, Vic. I love you and I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.”

“Bye and good luck,” Victor said.

***

Lance opened his eyes, glanced at Boy still asleep between his legs and then looked as a truly stunning man, probably in his mid twenties, was walking along the beach in a very tight Speedo. Even with the distance that separated them, Lance could not help but notice the exceptional bulge protruding from the man’s crotch. It was enormous. Lance’s eyes opened wide and he knew how he would have reacted to such a sight if it were twenty-five years earlier. Back then, pre-nineteen, Lance would have cruised the man, gay or straight and tried to get a piece of the action. He chuckled as he thought, “A very big piece of the action.”

Instantly, Lance was completely aware that even though he had changed in his twenties, now, two decades later, a sex-hungry teenager was still alive and well, deep inside of him. He knew he would change nothing and that though he was glad he had chosen substance over the superficial, still, there was no harm in allowing his graphic, sex-hungry imagination, all the room it wanted to creatively express and sometimes even ejaculate. He always felt sad for the morally inflexible people, who willingly bound themselves to presumed superior attitudes found in conservative and traditional values. Lance thought, “Why would you choose to walk everyday, if every once in a blue moon, you were capable of taking to the sky and flying?”

With a shrug of his shoulders, Lance allowed his mind to go back to the memory revisited.

***

On that day, following the call to Victor and the wise words Victor had offered, Lance had stood up and in decisive deed, left the room.

Lance discovered Dayton on the beach, his thighs pulled tight to his chest and his head resting on his knees. Dayton was not even a reflection of his former self, as he obviously was guiltily and regretfully ripping himself to pieces. From the deck, Lance knew he was still angry from what had occurred but as he stared at Dayton from behind, he knew they were only human and sometimes human’s made bad choices and stupid mistakes. At least Dayton had the guts to face his mistakes and to admit them truthfully in spite of the possible consequences.

Walking down and onto the beach, Lance approached quietly and knelt down behind him. He softly slid his arms around him and pulled him against his chest. Lance leaned forward and whispered into Dayton’s ear, “I’m pissed at you but I love you and I forgive you. Don’t ever do it again and next time I’m being an ass and a complete and utter moron, come and talk to me, point out how I’m making you feel and maybe give the dumbass a slap across the back of the head.”

Lance felt the change in Dayton’s body. All the fear, doubt and uncertainty drained out of that body in that instant. Lance actually thought it was like he had been hugging a statue that suddenly became a real life man.

“Lance, I’m so very, very sorry. I was just so afraid and I know it’s not very manly of me to admit that but the thought of losing you or of you not loving me or caring about me; it was like my old life was coming back to devour me. Three years ago on that first night in my bed, I said to you that I didn’t think I could exist without you in that moment. I now know I don’t think I could exist without you at all. I love you, Lance. I need you and you make my world complete.”

Lance smiled, dropped down onto his ass behind Dayton and wrapped his legs around him. He embraced him again and rested his chin on Dayton’s shoulder. He gazed at the ocean and said, “Dayz, it’s you and me, together, forever.”

***

Boy’s body was jerking and Lance knew he was dreaming. All of a sudden, Boy’s eyes opened and he lifted his head, yawned and looked at Lance. He turned his head as if looking for Dayton but not seeing him, he lowered his head back down and closed his eyes. A moment later, the sound of the beautiful voice of the American singer, dancer and actor, Jeremy Jordan, began singing the Celine Dion hit, ‘It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.’

Jeremy Jordan’s addition to Lance’s video was debatable. The man had never said he was gay, never come out as gay and had even gotten married. However, right or wrong, Lance believed unquestionably that the talented American was gay and in the closet for the sake of his career.

Lance immediately thought how appropriate the timing of the song was. The memories were coming back and the song also seemed appropriate to that event in his life. It could all have gone wrong if his love for Dayton had not been so strong. Though the memory and the hurt remained, the willingness to move on saw their relationship strengthened and no sexual or emotional betrayal was ever to revisit the men again.

In addition, not only did Lance and Dayton survive what happened but also, so too did their respective friendships with Jake. For a short time it was hard for Lance but Dayton was happy at work and did not want to change jobs and Jake was always going to be there. Lance knew Jake was Dayton’s friend and though he knew he had good cause, he did not believe he had the right to tell Dayton who his friends could be. Also, as much as he hated to admit it, Jake and he had become good friends as well. Eventually he forgave the man and invited him back to the house.

Lance heard the amusing tongue in cheek tones of Jeremy Jordan, as he added a little satire to his performance. Lance smiled; he was not a huge fan of comedy forcibly entered into the dramatic but Jeremy Jordan had gotten this so very right. The song ended and Lance turned his mind back to the past.

***

In the same way it was for every normal, non-famous, non-wealthy and average person or couple on the planet, Lance and Dayton’s lives went on. Extraordinary events did not fill their world all the time. Sometimes there were slow, arduous times where boredom, frustration or even irritation could have caused one or both of the men, to want to seek out variety and excitement. Like most people, though, they had to suck it up and keep moving forward.

Lance would often say to Dayton in those times, “Dayz, it’s just life and you can’t always have sunny days, rollercoaster rides or scintillating sex. Sometimes we just have to make sure we’ve got an umbrella.”

Often, though, when Lance said things like that to him, Dayton knew it was not just him that was feeling down. When he felt they were feeling the same, Dayton would scoop Lance off his feet, carry him to the bedroom and attempt to force the sun out while on a rollercoaster of sexual fantasy. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it did not but whatever the case, they were always there to support each other through the gray days as well.

No matter what, though, the men loved each other and they both knew it was their love that could see them through any type of event or time. More often than not, it was the rest of the world that brought them down. Since the turn of the millennium, more so than ever before, the world seemed to be going to hell in a hand basket.

People everywhere were stressed out of their minds about one thing or another. The divide between the wealthy and the poor was so vast, governments consistently said one thing and did another and the inability to embrace others as equal, regardless of race, color, creed or sexuality was never more obvious. Even when sweeping laws were changed, still the religious undercurrent pointed, vilified and denied.

Outside of people’s individual, self-created good times, life seemed to be heading toward a complete breakdown. Somehow, the existence of humanity seemed destined for revolution or war. When Lance and Dayton talked about it, they came to the conclusion that whether it was war or religious fanatics or inflexible, gun-toting idiots killing innocent people in the land of the free, simply because they were too stubborn to say no to guns out of fear; both men knew that sometimes there was nothing they could do about it. Subsequently, time rolled on by as they hoped for the best.

***

Though Lance’s eyes were open and the vista of the beach, ocean and people were all in his sights, the thoughts and little memories just recalled, had still managed to impress non-existent images over the reality before him.

As those images faded into the back of his mind, Lance knew he was just an average man living an average life. It amused him how many people considered their average lives to be something special. “Unique maybe but something special? Wake up and smell the coffee, people,” he thought.

Smiling, Lance considered how all the average, normal days of his existence added up to so many more than the memorable ones. His mind went to Dayton and the relationship they had shared together and he thought that even the best days or the amazing days during their time, had been only pinches of spice in an enormous pot of stew. A human being, within his or her human life, was meant to sustain on so little, in the midst of something so big. He shook his head from the thought that the balance just seemed so wrong.

A sound caught Lance’s attention and he turned his eyes to the left. Not too far down the beach, a mother was lying on her beach towel sun baking while her son and daughter, probably around five or six years of age, were standing in the shallows at the shore. Lance could not hear what they were saying to each other but they were fighting, as siblings do. The mother lifted her head to see what the matter was but as she did, the boy’s anger exploded and he grabbed his sister, threw her down and pushed her face into a couple inches of water. In that moment, he hated her and he wanted her dead. The mother, now screaming, jumped to her feet and ran, before pulling the son away and saving her daughter’s life.

Completely unrelated in any direct or specific way, Lance did not realize the underlying current of what he had witnessed and how the life of the little boys life would have changed if his sister had died, was the cause of the next memory from the past, which came pervasively into his mind. The children were fine, the mother had taken control but as Lance closed his eyes once more, his mind took flight again.

***

Seventeen years following the handing over of keys and the eating of pizza, a phone call came that Lance was not prepared for. It was a call that would halt Lance in his tracks, in a way he never had considered or expected.

“Good afternoon. My name is Detective Young. May I speak with Lance Cooper?”

It was a Sunday afternoon, it was a beautiful day in San Diego and Lance was sitting on the three-seat couch with Dayton’s arm around him. On the second and newer couch, which was positioned opposite the old single seat couch, Jake, now in his mid forties and still an incredibly hot looking man, sat beside Leo, his good-looking, thirty-five year old husband of six years.

As he often did, Jake was pushing his view that Lance and Dayton should get married. Ever since he had found Leo, who was basically a decent, down-to-earth man and the two of them had tied the knot; Jake was insistent that because he thought Lance and Dayton were the ideal gay couple, they should therefore tie the knot as well.

During their first year as partners, Lance had discussed with Dayton his unchanged views on the ritual of marriage and though it was not so unusual or even unexpected, Dayton had been in full agreement with him. Now, regardless of how many times they explained their attitudes, Jake continued to bring up the subject.

Lance asked, “Why is it so important to you, Jake? Dayz and I have been together for seventeen years and believe it or not, we’re still in love. Neither of us wants to be with anyone else, something you know better than anyone. Some piece of paper is not going to change our love, our commitment or our respect for each other. We don’t need it and we don’t want it.”

“I just think,” Jake began but Lance would not let him continue.

“I don’t care what you think, Jake. You and Leo obviously wanted it or needed it and it works for you and is good for you but you won’t hear me telling you to get it annulled and that you should just trust in your hearts, minds and souls. I’m happy for you if it’s what you want but please stop trying to get Dayton and I to conform to your perspectives. Allow us to be happy in our individualities, as you are happy in yours.”

Before Jake had the chance to reply, the phone rang and Dayton leaned forward and picked it up off the coffee table. Everyone saw the look on his face change almost immediately, following his saying, “Hello?”

“Just a moment,” Dayton said and as he put his hand over the phone to stop from being heard by the caller, he said in a hushed though urgent tone, “Lance, it’s the police, a detective and he wants to speak with you.”

“What?”

Dayton handed the phone toward Lance and Lance took it, straightened in his seat and put the phone to his ear.

“Hello, this is Lance Cooper.”

“Mr Cooper, this is Detective Young of the Seattle Police Department and I’m calling to inform you of an unfortunate occurrence. The reason I’m calling you in particular is because your name is the first name on the phone, on the computer and in a personal phone book. As a consequence, I thought you might be next of kin. Are you related to a Mr Victor Mason?”

“What? No. I mean he’s my best friend. I’ve known him since school and we’re constantly in contact. What’s happened? What’s this all about?”

“Mr Cooper, I’m very sorry but approximately two hours ago, Mr Mason, Victor, committed suicide. It has been confirmed by a witness that Victor jumped from his top floor studio apartment and died instantly on impact with the ground.”

“Oh my god,” Lance gasped and Dayton moved closer and held him.

“Mr Cooper…”

“Please, call me Lance.”

“Lance, at this early point we have little information and though I’m certain you’re shocked and upset by this, I was wondering if you could shine any light as to why? There was no suicide note, which is for the most part standard and so if you could tell me anything at all that might be helpful, I’d appreciate it.”

Lance closed his eyes, opened them, took a deep breath to stop his tears and replied, “Detective Young, Victor was a man trapped by two distinct mental health conditions. He suffered firstly with Clinical Depression and secondly with Agoraphobia. He lived alone, he saw no one other than those who delivered to him and he never went outside. It was a very dark life for a man who was once lively, attractive and filled with high hopes.

“Detective, though I have to admit I didn’t see this coming, on a certain level I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t wish Victor’s existence on my worst enemy and I guess if he finally reached a point where it was simply too much for him anymore, than in all honesty, I hope he finds peace in whatever does or does not follow.”

“Lance, as a police officer, more and more often I find myself being called to scenes of this nature. The statistics of Depression caused suicides in the United States and in Western society as a whole, are overwhelming and increasing all the time. I wish there were something I could say to you but unfortunately there isn’t. All I can do is offer you my condolences and thank you for your strength and willingness under these circumstances, to help with the information you provided.”

“You’re welcome, Detective, however, I’m barely holding it together here so if you don’t mind, right at this moment I need to go. Please don’t hesitate to call again if you need anything else. Have a good day, Detective,” Lance said and disconnected the call.

Lance broke down instantly, stood up and apologized to Jake and Leo and then moved swiftly to the bedroom. He walked in, threw himself onto the bed face down and began to cry his heart out. Victor, his best friend who was like a brother, was gone.

A few minutes later, after Jake and Leo thoughtfully departed, Dayton lay down beside Lance and held him in silence. For nearly a half hour Lance cried until finally, he fell asleep in Dayton’s arms.

A little piece of Lance died that day as well and though time and Dayton would see to his moving on, the loss of that voice over the phone and the loss of the understanding and wise words, would never be replaced by another.

***

On opening his eyes to the sun drenched day and beach, tears streamed down Lance’s face. It had been three years since Victor had courageously made his statement to society and if there was one – to a god.

Lance knew the memory was not over but this momentary pause was a way for him to take a needed breath. It may have been three years in the past but Victor’s loss still visited Lance regularly and the pain though less, still existed. Taking another deep breath, Lance closed his eyes again.

***

Remembering the Fed-Ex courier who arrived with a package one day after Victor’s loss, the very good-looking and likeable young man had brought a ray of a happy life to his door, at a time when things seemed bleak to Lance. The young man, maybe nineteen or twenty, whose name was Hank, carried a smile on his face that was infective. His voice was strong and full of optimism and his body was jock-like and moved with vitality. His eyes were so bright, as if news had been released that war and famine had been overcome.

“Hi Buddy, are you Lance Cooper?”

An unexpected smile began to curve the sides of Lance’s mouth, as Hank’s devastating smile drew it out against his mood. Lance nodded that he was the man he was seeking.

“I’m Hank with Fed-Ex and I’ve got a package for you. I just need you to sign here,”

“Sure,” Lance replied and signed.

“You don’t look like you’re having the best day, Lance, so I hope this is something that lifts your mood,” Hank said.

Lance smiled a simple smile and replied, “Thanks, Hank.”

“Things always get better. Words of wisdom from the Hankster. Have a great day,” Hank said with a huge smile and then turned and almost floated down the stairs, along the path and out the gate.

Lance whispered unheard to the departing courier, “Hopefully things have now gotten better for Vic.”

Still standing in the open doorway and watching the courier get into his vehicle and drive away, Lance felt like he was suddenly caught between two worlds. One was so bright and colorful and the other was dim and gray. A silent voice from out of nowhere said, “Hey, wake up and open the package.”

Snapping back into time and place, Lance looked down and gazed in shock at the label on the package. It was from Victor and Lance’s eyes took on a whole new expression. He stepped back, closed the door and walked to the couch and sat down. He tore the package opened and reached into it without looking. He could tell there were several items within but the first item was paper. His hand retrieved the item and he saw it was an envelope. Immediately opening it, he began reading a letter from his friend.

Dear Lance,

By now you already know and so I guess I need to start with an apology. I’m sorry! The thing is, though, if I had called you, if I’d talked to you, I know your heart would’ve held me and I couldn’t let that happen. I’m going to try to make this clear and hopefully you might understand if you can get passed the socially and theologically instilled perceptions of fact. That’s all they are, Lance – perceptions! Someone needs to know the truth from someone who knows the truth and not from those who think they know the truth.

Lance, you know me and we’ve talked about this many times but the truth is it’s not an easy thing to explain. Even so, I’m going to try so that perhaps you might understand my choice. You see, when you ask someone what Depression is, generally they’ll say it’s when someone is sad and down or maybe lonely. That, my friend, is incorrect. Depression is and entity in and of itself. Yes it is an illness but while it is not specifically terminal like some illnesses, unlike the common cold it does not go away.

Clinical Depression is like a squatter who moves in to an occupied residence. Once in, it is immovable. Even if the medications work for some, it still lingers and waits in its captivity. When it arrives or when it is free to influence, it does not treat the home with respect, it does not show the original owner the time of day and it is not up for discussions about what is acceptable or what is not. It takes over until it has complete run of the house.

At times it takes a nap, at times it disappears into the attic or basement for a couple days and though things might seem to be returning to normal, no sooner does a smile start to form, when there it is again, pushing the occupant into a corner, sleeping in their bed, depriving them of food, fresh air, family, friends and life as a whole. It chains the doors from the inside and locks you inside so neither can ever get out.

Throughout the world Depression has become an epidemic. The problem is, unless you’re a sufferer, you cannot understand the magnitude of its power. Even the professional’s who think they know because they treat it, can only assume to know based on the words of those who actually know the beast.

Lance, my darkest days are at times the most beautiful days, the days when you look out your door or your window and think what a perfect day. They’re the days that make people smile or want to hike the Appellations, go to a beach or embrace the world and fill themselves with pleasures. For me, it doesn’t matter what type of day it is. Regardless of how much I’d like to skydive or make love to a beautiful, sexy man or even just sit in a forest and watch the sunrise; the beauty is lost as the squatter sucks all of the motivation from my existence.

Imagine your very worst day. Now imagine living that day, two days in a row or even for a week. Imagine at the same time not going out of your bedroom, never leaving your house, not communicating with anyone and perhaps most unimaginable, cutting off all the ties that matter. If you are even capable of imagining such a scenario, now imagine it never ends and everyday is exactly the same, over and over and over again. No matter how bright the sun, it’s always dark.

It makes me laugh when people say it’s not a real illness. Of course it’s not. I simply chose one of the most detestable existences possible and then thought, wow, this is fun, maybe I’ll make a career out of it. Sorry for the sarcasm at this time but Lance, you’re my friend and you know the acid is real.

To make matters worse, I was given a double whammy, as Agoraphobia came along for the ride. Even if I could feel good enough to go out, I can’t. This is not a complaint, Lance. It’s an explanation. It’s been twenty-five years of the inexorable Groundhog Day but without variation. I’m so very tired, Lance. That concrete five floors down is looking so desirable.

Medication after medication and nothing works. Still, as the British would say, I’m supposed to keep a stiff upper lip. Well, fuck anyone who dares to say that my choice is not valid. Fuck anyone who says I was a coward or weak or selfish. Fuck anyone who compares me to other people with more debilitating lives or illnesses. Along time ago, someone very smart posited that none of us have the right to judge another until we walk at least a mile in his or her shoes. So I say to anyone who is judging me right now, ‘Go fuck yourself.’

The morally inflexible, along with those determined to spread the word of ‘their’ god, love to spread doubt by saying that it’s the ones who are left behind, who are the ones that are hurt and left to deal. Words and thoughts are so easy to say but it’s the ones who leave, by choice, who are the ones who were truly hurting while the oblivious went on with their days. Sure the ones who are left behind may hurt for a while but eventually, everything passes one way or another and they too, will fall back into the unconsciousness of consciousness. My choice is my choice and not theirs and frankly, my choice is nobodies damned business.

Lance, in my life, you’re the only person who has always been there, even if only by phone. Perhaps a person with my condition is too stressful for others to have to deal with and if that’s the case, I’m sorry if I brought undue difficulties into your life. Even so, I’m so glad you were a part of my life. Our times on the phone talking, long or short, were the best times in my days. Thank you for giving me those times.

I don’t know what comes next. In truth, I honestly hope the answer is nothing and when I say nothing, I mean absolutely nothing. I don’t want a heaven or a hell and I certainly don’t want another life, if that’s what’s supposed to happen. To me, this thing we call life is a crime and I don’t want to be a partner in crime. All of these are my thoughts, my original thoughts as far as I’m concerned and I believe them to be true.

So Lance, it’s time for the final words. Sorry I’m not giving you that same option but as I said, if I’d let you talk and asked me not to do it, I wouldn’t have been able to deny you. I know you’ll hurt for a while but I also know you’ll move on and keep going. If there is something after this and if I’m forced to play a part in it, then if I can, I’ll keep an eye on you and try to scare all the monsters away. How could I not do that for you? Not really a question.

Oh, one other thing I need to say. After all these years of talking to Dayton on the phone as well as you, I understand why you call him Dayz. It’s very fitting, Lance. He’s a gentle soul and a good man and I believe he’ll stand by you through thick and thin and also through the best and worst of times. Hold on tight, Lance, Dayton is a unique fish in any body of water. They’re the ones everyone is looking for but rarely find or catch. You’re a lucky man, my friend. I also know for a fact that Dayton is a lucky man as well.

Please try and understand, please don’t judge me and please remember me for only the best I had to give.

I love you, Lance,

Goodbye.

A dim morning made confusingly bright by a handsome stranger, the unedited truth written in ink with incredible penmanship by a best friend, followed by a tsunami of tears of grief and love, Lance fell back against the couch and cried uncontrollably for some time to come. When it seemed he had no more tears to cry, he reached for the package and slid his hand in once again. Like a lucky dip, he withdrew a framed photo of a much older friend. The youthful smile was not there but the eyes told the entire story of the man he had known and loved as a friend. Lance kissed the image, said goodbye and then dipped his hand into the package once more.

***

Three years had fallen by the wayside since Victor’s passing. It still hurt, though, as Lance opened his eyes and stared at the rolling waves. How he wished that Dayton were with him at that moment. Dayton’s arms around him, Dayton’s body against him and Dayton’s sensual lips on his, those things had always been a solution to the brightening of his thoughts and feelings. Generally, those things could brighten his entire day but now it was just not possible.

Gently lifting his legs over Boy so as not to disturb his old-dog slumber, Lance lifted off the sun bed and walked back into the house. He used the toilet, washed his hands and then returned to the kitchen for another coffee. As he stood making it, Lance thought that what was in his head, could easily be reworked into a final chapter storyline, which would give his novel the melodramatic completion he was seeking. It was why he loved fiction; he found it easy to evolve anything into anything. Still, he thought, “I need something more.”

Walking back out onto the deck, Lance stopped momentarily and leaned on the balustrade. He stared over the water, looked up and down the beach and then once again he inhaled the salty air. For twenty years he had felt like this house and its location were gifts. He remembered how after five years or so, he began to wonder how long the owner would continue to rent it and therefore, how long he and Dayton would be able to stay. Nothing ever happened though and so the two men became more and more settled as time went by.

At times the rent was increased but the novel he had written during that terrible time with Dayton, actually did get published. Two years later Lance completed a second novel and that was published as well. He was actually pulling in an income from writing and when his third novel got published, Lance stopped working part-time jobs. It was the thoughts of their house on the beach that gave him what he needed. This house was almost the main character of the story of his time with Dayton. He closed his eyes and his mind rolled back ten years.

***

At thirty-four years of age, during their tenth year together, a letter arrived from Oregon for Dayton. With a law firm’s name and logo on the front, Lance handed it to Dayton the moment he arrived home from work. Dayton tore it open and after reading it, he knew that his father had died and there was an estate to be finalized.

Following reading the letter, Dayton yelled in Lance’s direction, “It says that my father is dead. I want nothing from that bastard and as far as I’m concerned, the bitch can have what the bastard deemed fit to send my way.”

Ten years earlier Lance and Dayton had broadly talked about their respective parents but since that time, neither had spoken of them again. Neither man spoke to his parents and neither man wanted to re-establish contact. Each man had his own reasons but neither man truly grasped the other’s resentment. As a consequence, Lance assumed the reason for Dayton’s disquieted outburst was because of what they had referred to each other as unemotional and cold. Lance simply suggested to Dayton he should at least contact the firm and get everything sorted out. Dayton nodded and with that, Lance let the matter drop.

A couple days later, reluctantly, Dayton called the law firm, only to discover his mother had died three years earlier. Not surprisingly, he was not overly emotional about the loss of his mother either. However, the lawyer he was speaking with told him he was the sole benefactor and soon after revealed that Dayton was now a very, very wealthy man.

When he concluded the call, Dayton called his father every four-letter word under the sun for not informing him his mother was dead. In truth, though, there was little sincerity because he hated her as well. In the end, with no love or concern for Dayton and only because there was no one else to inherit, they turned their blue-collar son into a millionaire. With that action, Dayton hated them even more and was angry he could no longer wish them dead. Dayton did not tell Lance what had happened but instead, he kept it all locked inside. However, every now and then, Dayton’s anger spilled out and he would lose his shit while Lance stood watching in disbelief, not knowing what the problem was. When he asked, Dayton dismissed his outbursts as related to a difficult day on the job.

Lance had never seen this side to Dayton and the vicious venom was alien to him. It did not take long, though, before Lance associated the common denominator as the letter and the information his parents were dead. The moment his parents were brought to his attention after eleven years in absence, an angry man began to come to the surface.

Taking some time off work, Dayton and Lance traveled to Oregon but Dayton told Lance he preferred to speak with the lawyer alone. Lance waited at the hotel while Dayton was gone but when he returned, he still did not want to discuss what was going on. When Lance asked him to take him to see where he had been raised and lived, Dayton said it was too uncomfortable and that he did not want to do it. Lance simply agreed and let the matter drop.

Dayton told the lawyer he wanted him to sell off every piece of property or anything that his parents name was attached to. He further told the man to open an account and to transfer all monies into it. The lawyer did not understand what Dayton was doing or why but when he questioned him, Dayton firmly told him to follow his instructions and not to ask questions he did not need the answers to.

The truth was that Dayton wanted to rid the world of his parent’s influence all together. Lance had never truly understood how much animosity existed or how deeply it was buried. Until the arrival of that letter, Lance did not even know how much Dayton hated his parents. Following the letter, Dayton would go off the rails every time Lance innocently mentioned his parents and Dayton’s obsession with getting rid of everything was like a battle that had to be waged and won as quickly as possible.

Two months later, after the corporate vultures had swooped on successful businesses, investments and properties, when there was nothing but money left, Dayton felt like his job was almost done. He decided he could now tell Lance it was over and they could return to their normal lives but when he did, things did not go quite the way he thought they would.

Not really understanding the true extent of Dayton’s parent’s wealth or of what Dayton had been doing, Lance, assuming an inheritance of maybe five to eight hundred thousand dollars, innocently asked how Dayton would use the money.

Dayton said, “I don’t know, Lance, maybe we could write out one hundred thousand dollar checks made payable to cash, put them in envelopes and drop them into mailboxes in the neighborhood until there’s no money left.

“But Dayz…”

“No Lance, I don’t care about them, I don’t care about the money and I don’t want anything to do with them.”

“But Dayz, they’re dead and you don’t have to deal with them ever again.”

Dayton looked up at Lance and asked, “Do you want the money?”

It was because Dayton had told him ten years ago he could buy the house with an inheritance and in addition, it was because Lance had never really known specifically about the life that Dayton had come from; Lance had never really understood the degree of what Dayton had suggested all those years ago.

Lance had come from a simple, blue-collar family and though he basically understood the idea of seriously wealthy people; to him, even in this day and age, a million dollars was wealthy. When he associated those simple thoughts with the purchase of a San Diego, beachside property; that was how he had come up with the idea of a five to eight hundred thousand dollar inheritance. Lance thought it would be nice to own the house but he really was not thinking about getting his hands on the money and he only wanted them to be secure.

“Dayz, no, that isn’t what I’m saying. I’m not thinking about this from a selfish perspective, even though it would be easy to. I know you’re not a mercenary type and that money only serves you when you need it. I also know that our bank balances together are substantial and secure but what if one day the owner decides they want this house back and we have to move. It might be a good idea to be able to buy a house in the future. No one can know what the future holds in store. It might be an idea to put some money in an account for a rainy day or for an emergency.

“Dayz, I’m not one of those people who wishes I were rich. I’m a simple man and I always have been. Having you in my life, having a roof over my head and knowing we’re okay, well, that’s all I really need. I can’t imagine wanting the responsibility of wealth or of worrying about investments and all that shit but I’m a cautionary man and I don’t see any problem with you being cautionary and making sure your future is secure as well. Don’t look at the extra that’s come your way as from them. Look at it like that day I found that one hundred dollar note on the ground when we were walking along the road.”

Dayton looked at Lance, saw the sense in what he was saying and then he said, “Okay, I’ll look into it, work some shit out and then maybe give some money to deserving charities.”

“I think that’s probably smart, Dayz. Anyway, exactly how much are you looking at?”

“Two hundred,” Dayton said.

“Only two hundred? Dayz, I thought you were talking about maybe five to seven hundred thousand. I doubt two hundred would buy this house?”

“Lance, Not thousands. I’m talking two hundred million dollars, give or take,” Dayton clarified.

Lance froze and his face was shocked as he said, “What?”

“Dayton started to laugh. In that single moment, the look of utter shock and disbelief in the eyes of the man he loved, was simply adorable. It caused all of the stress surrounding the resentment of his parents and his hatred of the estate he felt was a pathetic alternative to love, to dissolve his anger and obsession while setting his mind and heart free.

“I can’t believe you thought I was talking about hundreds of thousands. Why do you think I’ve been so angry? They couldn’t put their arms around me, they couldn’t tell me they loved me but they thought it was okay to try and change my life all these years later. It wasn’t a gift, Lance. It wasn’t a way to say sorry; this inheritance was because there was no one else but me. There’s also no doubt in my mind they wanted me to take over the businesses and keep their self-important names alive. Why do you think I sold everything?”

“Dayz, you told me they were cold and unemotional but you never really detailed any of it. I just assumed you didn’t want to talk about them, in the same way I never wanted to talk about my parents. It was like one more thing you and I had in common.”

“Okay Lance, I can understand that but I told you that day on the beach ten years ago, if I had the money I could bye this house with a stroke of a pen.”

“Dayz, I thought that was like a metaphor for what I considered a big inheritance. I mean I know I asked you if you came from a family with money but I didn’t really think you meant wealth of that magnitude. I thought maybe a million dollars with some assets.”

“Well Lance, now you know,” Dayton said.

“Two hundred million dollars? Fuck Dayz, I can’t believe it. My husband is a multimillionaire.”

“Husband? I see, so now I’ve got money you want to marry me,” Dayton joked while pretending to be serious.

Lance was mortified from the prospect that Dayton could think he could be so superficial and he gasped in a breath before saying, “Dayz, no. I can’t believe you’d think that of me. I don’t know why I said that and I don’t want to marry you and…”

Now smirking at the cute, shocked and confused expression on Lance’s face, Dayton said, “So you like the idea of a rich husband, do you? You want your daddy to buy you something? You’ll have to pay it back with your ass.”

Lance was gob smacked and said, “What?”

Dayton finally broke and roared with laughter and after Lance called him a prick, Dayton pushed him down onto the couch, jumped on top of Lance and said, “Give Daddy a kiss,” before he started kissing him wildly.

A month later and rent was a thing of the past. Dayton and Lance went to the realtor and asked him to contact the owner in regard to purchasing the property. A few days later they met an old spinster, a Polish woman in her seventies, who was very agreeable, as she told them she had been thinking about getting rid of the many properties she owned. She suggested she knew her life was winding down and as she’d been considering returning to Poland after sixty years in the United States; the men’s request only served to give her the push she required.

Following some serious discussions, the two men knew that though they could have changed their lives completely, neither really wanted to live in a mansion or to change their lives in any way. Both of them wanted to continue in their suburban, beachside residence, where their lives and their existences were good.

As a consequence, Dayton bought the house and put the deed in both of their names. He then insured the house, bought them new cars and insured those as well. He took out insurance policies on both of their lives, set them up in every way to make sure if anything ever happened to one, the other would be taken care of and would be secure from a financial perspective.

During that month, Dayton also did a lot of thinking about how he could help with the money. He considered charities but then he thought about how much money charities took away from the intended destination and so he decided to look into the current state of San Diego. His focus became fixed on the truly poor, the homeless and the displaced and then he set up an anonymous company and started building a refuge for the homeless. He gave anonymous gifts to people whose lives had been torn apart in any way and over the years that followed, though he never really altered his existence, he became somewhat of a true humanitarian. These choices and acts only made Lance fall more deeply in love with Dayton.

***

Once again opening his eyes, Lance smiled and was filled with pride in the man he had found and given entrance into his life. In Lance’s mind, Dayton had always been an incredible person. Lance knew it was not just one thing or another; it was the whole package he thought was special. Time had seen to it that a hot man, then a nice man, then a good friend and finally an awesome partner, had revealed himself, at least to Lance, as an extraordinary human being; damaged and flawed as he was.

Moving away from the balustrade, Lance turned around and stared down at Boy. He leaned down and gently stroked his soft fur without awakening him. He then returned inside, smiled as he glanced at Elton John singing ‘Sartorial Eloquence’ but continued on to the bedroom. He sat down at his desk, turned on his computer and returned to the last chapter of his story.

The novel had nothing to do with his life with Dayton. It was a purely fictitious story but as with many writers, Lance also used snippets of his own life to sew the material into a fitting garment. All of his thoughts and memories he had recalled on the deck that day, were intended sources of material to give him ideas as to how circumstances would pan out, how characters lives would be directed and to exactly how he would bring his new novel to completion.

The imaginary characters were completed, the imaginary circumstances and scenarios had evolved and all he had to do was tie it all up with a neat and pretty bow. A thought crossed his mind to end with the unexpected but he knew from the people who were reading his work, it pissed a lot of them off when he did that. It seemed his fiction was preferred if flowers and rainbows were the outcome.

“Give them the world’s worst terrorist attack or maybe an alien invasion where the beloved characters die horrible deaths and the United States is destroyed,” he thought and then laughed loudly at his own sadistic sense of humor.

“Come on now, be serious. All that matters is the work is good enough for an enjoyable time reading. If the reader’s get their escape from their reality for however long it takes them to complete it, then I guess my work will be done.”

In what seemed extraordinary even to Lance, the last chapter poured onto the screen and spread from start to conclusion, like a glass of red wine spilled onto a white tablecloth. Before he knew it, well over two hours had disappeared and he was done. He sat back, smiled, felt a sense of achievement and excitement and then he was filled with his usual doubt that no one would like what he had created. He shrugged, clicked close and save and stood up.

As he walked out of the bedroom and into the living room, Lance turned toward the front door and opened it. It was a warm day but even with the deck door open, he thought the house was still a little too warm. He immediately felt a comfortable breeze enter the house from the front and move through. He left the door open and then turned to go back to the beachside deck but as he moved across the room, a man’s voice brought him to a halt and he looked at the television. From behind the couch he turned and stood, as his entire consciousness was consumed by the video, a George Michael cover of Roberta Flack’s, ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.’

Lance’s hands gripped the top of the couch firmly, as every single word of the beautiful and resounding, live rendition, made him emotional, as his thoughts turned to Dayton. Lance was truly frozen and then minutes into the song, the final verse filled him with the memory of a truth.

“And the first time, ever I lay with you;

I felt your heart so close to mine

And I knew our joy would fill the earth

And it would last until the end of time, my love.”

There were no feelings of sadness and no tears in his eyes but still his eyes glistened, as Lance remembered how the beating of their hearts into each other’s chest, could have little other effect than the one it did. Though there were many signposts on that long ago afternoon and night, that particular moment in Dayton’s room, in Dayton’s bed, as he felt Dayton’s heart beating during the first moments they lay together naked for the first time; simply had to be one of the most exceptional moments together, even though there had been many.

Unconsciously holding his breath, as if it would hold the feeling and the memory in place, suddenly a sense of warmth and overwhelming love surrounded him and a split second later, there came the unmistakable scent.

Like a spirit from the beyond, Lance felt the presence and then there came the hot breath on his neck. His sigh accompanied his exhalation of breath and a moment later, he felt the touch of those hands sliding around his body and he knew his handsome carpenter was home from work.

Leaning forward, Dayton pressed his lips to the curve of Lance’s neck and shoulder and then his embrace tightened until no air existed between their bodies. Moments later Dayton broke his kiss and said, “Truly, Madly, Deeply.”

When these men had met and fallen in love they were both twenty-four. Now, twenty years later and forty-four, things were naturally different. Though they were not old by any stretch of the imagination, time passes fast and both men had already begun to feel that passage of time. Of course idealism and fantasy still existed, just like each boy still existed within each man. Sex and desire still flourished at their cores but those things were tempering as time drifted by.

Youth exists upon tomorrow while maturity gradually begins to exist upon yesterday. Though many people do not realize it, they are given a choice to either keep reaching for yesterday within tomorrow or to savor today and allow it to be tomorrow.

Lance and Dayton had their moments. Young and hungry, they loved, they fucked and they soared through their youthful atmosphere of wonders. With time and age, their attitudes and feelings and experiences had sewn them together and had also at other times, almost torn them apart. Now middle aged, both had already decided on which fork of their road they would choose.

It would have been easy to search for pretty new lives with younger men and hotter sex. Either a broken relationship or a third stranger in a bed belonging to two, it was what so many gay men chose these days. Lance and Dayton’s choice, though, came not in what was wrong but rather, in what was right. It seemed the good times in their case, always overrode the bad. They knew their path should not be dismissed or left behind because of a fantasy of youth. What they had was a rock solid foundation of true love, respect and honesty, which had brought them this far. When it came right down to basics, what would have been the point of their relationship, if they were only going to walk away before the final act?

Twenty years later they had reached a point where their love was no longer a fairytale of idealism. They understood that not only did no rainbow exist but also, no pot of gold was waiting at the end. Extreme attraction still existed, sex was still satisfying and exciting and finally, the profound degree of their love and respect for each other was worth every sacrifice that might be required. It was rational, it was practical but also, this was their Eden for as long as they wanted it.

Remaining silent while spinning slowly within Dayton’s arms until chest-to-chest, Lance looked into those eyes and the world disappeared once again. Dayton smiled as he saw the truth once more and as his lips approached he whispered, “Until the end of time, my love.”

Following yet another passionate kiss, found in the twenty-year magic of true love’s kisses, Dayton smiled and said softly, “Happy Birthday, Baby.” He then kissed Lance again while holding him in a single armed embrace. A long-stemmed, single red rose, instantly appeared beside Lance and as Lance glanced at it and took in its perfect form and beauty, he reached up and accepted the gift that was all he needed. A present wrapped in pretty paper would say nothing while the rose spoke of the still existent love and passion, which had never faded or died. He kissed Dayton again.

Dayton said moments later, “Did you finish it?”

“Yeah, a few minutes ago,” Lance replied.

“I’ve been thinking about reading it all day,” Dayton said.

“Well, you’ll have to wait a little longer because tonight is all about us. A candlelit dinner, a glass or two of red and then the only thing you can give me that would beat this perfect rose.”

“Dayton grinned and said, “Oh? And what would that be?”

“This beautiful, big, strong body, which is even more incredible than the day we met,” Lance replied.

Dayton smirked and said, “What do you want with my body?”

“I want it naked, I want it wrapped around my naked body and just as you’re about to give it to me, I want you to say, Happy Birthday.”

“Expensive gift!”

Lance rolled his eyes but then grinned and said, “Get in the bathroom and wash the dirt and dust off that skin so I can lick my muse. Tomorrow, based on tonight, I think I might write something erotic with you as the protagonist.”

Straight faced, Dayton asked, “Will it be true to life? I mean will I be the greatest lover of all time?

Grinning at each other, the men fell into another deep kiss and another loving embrace. Another music video was playing in the background but it was irrelevant. Both men knew confirmation when it was given and as they kissed and touched and held each other with love, the rest of the world was made fiction, time ceased to exist and nothing else mattered, as long as what they gave to each other continued.

And so, for years to come, it continued…

The End.

Posted: 08/04/17