Chapter 30 

 

Billy sat in the office glancing around. It was warm and comfortable, rather than cold and clinical, as he had expected. Exceptional prints of beautiful, natural environments, a river, a forest and a mountain vista, hung on three of the four walls. In the space to the side of the window behind the desk, five framed certificates of achievement hung one beneath the other, showing that the man he was about to speak with for the second time that day, was a certified professional in his field. Billy noticed a framed photograph stood on the desk. He looked around the empty office and then leaned forward and turned it to see who or what held pride of position. Billy made an assumption the moment he saw a well-dressed and very handsome man of around thirty. He repositioned the frame and sat back. The door opened and Rowan Kent walked in and took his seat behind the desk.

 

Billy looked at the man closely again. He was tall, solid and attractive even though Billy assumed he was approaching sixty. The term, ‘silver haired fox’ crossed Billy’s mind and he wondered if the man was a daddy to the younger man in the picture.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset Bobby,” Billy said.

 

“Billy, you didn’t upset Bobby. You didn’t say or do anything to upset him. Bobby is upset with himself. There is a lot he is trying to come to terms with. I knew there was a chance something like this might happen and it was the reason I was hesitant about letting you see him so soon,” the psychiatrist replied.

 

“It was his reaction to me, though. Bobby was fine when we first walked in. It was only after I had been sitting in front of him for a few minutes that his mood changed. He was fine with the orderly and with you but when he started looking into my eyes he gradually became unsettled. I know I was the cause of it,” Billy assumed emphatically.

 

“Billy, you’re a single piece in a large puzzle and so though yes you caused a specific reaction in him, it was not you that unsettled him as much as it was Bobby who unsettled himself.”

 

“That sounds like word games to make me feel better,” Billy said.

 

“I suppose it does but in fact, it’s true. I have learned a great deal about Bobby in the last couple of weeks and I have discovered he is not at all the man that everyone thinks he is,” Rowan said.

 

“How could you possibly have learned anything? He’s not himself and he’s so heavily medicated he can barely string a sentence together,” Billy snapped with irritation.

 

“Billy, when Bobby was brought here and I met him for the first time, he was much the same as you described to me when you arrived earlier. All of those confused emotional responses on the night he attacked you were still there the following day. He was aggressive and angry but he was also frightened and uncertain. He was in a dissociative state like he was in another world. A state of mind of that sort is not an uncommon sight when people are brought to this hospital. Until we know how to treat a patient correctly, we have to protect them as well as others and so temporarily we sedate them. Bobby was heavily sedated and for the first two days we allowed him to rest and sleep.

 

“The medication was then adjusted so I could meet with him and begin to understand what exactly was going on. During consults with other psychiatrists there were discussed diagnoses of schizophrenia, bi-polar, mania and even multiple personality. There are differing medications and so it was important to gain an accurate diagnosis. You’ve told me the psychiatrist at the DMC told you Bobby had a complete mental breakdown. In a way he was right but in another, none of these diagnoses are accurate. In fact, Bobby’s condition is a mixture of many things brought about by many other things. His circumstances led to a form of psychosis.”

 

Billy asked, “What is that or what does that mean?”

 

“A psychosis is a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions become so impaired, it can cause a loss of contact with actual reality. In a way, Bobby’s psychosis was constant and yet it only revealed itself under given circumstances. To many people at any given time, he would have seemed perfectly normal but when his problem came to the fore of his mind, he changed. In a way it’s almost like a split personality. During the weeks I’ve been seeing him, I have come to see the distinct changes.

 

“Bobby was brought to me on the Friday when his sedation wore off and I spoke to him for quite some time. I was unprepared when I found he seemed perfectly normal. I explained to him where he was and why he was here. Billy, you must understand that patients do not usually respond to this initial information in a positive manner. In effect, a person is being told their mental health is in question and that their free will has been temporarily removed. It is an embarrassment and so anger or even violence is not an uncommon reaction.

 

“Bobby was a surprise in that regard as well. He nodded his understanding and took the information without resistance. Initially I thought he was playing a role to make me think nothing was wrong with him, however, as the session continued he gave no challenge to the situation, to its purpose or to me. It suggested he knew something was wrong and the fact that he was so cooperative suggested he wanted help. I continued with that in mind but as he began to open up and talk and I began to ask questions to gain greater insight, toward the end of the session he began to revert back to his angry confusion and I had to sedate him again.

 

“The following Monday he was relaxed and comfortable and from that day we began intensive sessions everyday. We have been talking a great deal and I have learned a lot about your brother. However, each time he would approach or I would question specific areas, Bobby’s extreme reactions would occur again. I’ve realized his reactions occur when our conversations come close to the issues that are at the foundation of his problem. Subsequently, I’ve learned to take things slowly and tread carefully but each time we delved deeper, it happens again and I have to sedate him to relax him. He is mildly sedated all the time but following those events, he is medicated more heavily. Coincidently, it happened this morning and that is why you are assuming he’s in that state all the time. If you’d seen him yesterday, he would have been much clearer,” Rowan explained.

 

“So if you’ve learned so much about him, has it helped in knowing how to deal with his psychosis? I mean will you be able to help him?” Billy asked.

 

“I believe so,” Rowan replied.

 

“So what’s his problem?”

 

Rowan looked at Billy and paused. He was thinking how he could explain to Billy in a way he could understand, what had actually happened to Bobby. He finally leaned forward and began.

 

“Billy, I doubt that anyone that knows Bobby knows who he truly is. You for example, have several perspectives of Bobby in your mind. You see Bobby as the boy you once knew, as the young man he began to grow into and finally as the person he became ten years ago. Now you also have the perspective of the man that confronted you a couple of weeks ago. In a way, they’re all pictures you hold of Bobby. The first two pictures are accurate. They are clear and sharp and true. From that time on, though, all the pictures are blurred and uncertain and none of them were accurate portraits of your brother.”

 

“That makes sense to me,” Billy said.

 

“In a simplistic manner I’m sure it does. The reason those portraits were inaccurate was because the man you were seeing was not the man he was. He was in fact, presenting a façade to the world.”

 

Billy asked, “Why was he pretending to be someone he wasn’t?”

 

“The answer to your question is double edged because initially he was pretending but as time continued his mind became like a maze of familiar and unfamiliar corridors. At times he knew he was wearing a mask but at other times he thought the mask was his true face.”

 

“Why was he wearing a mask?”

 

“Why does anyone wear a mask? It’s because they don’t want people to see who they are. Billy, Bobby didn’t want what happened to happen but sometimes the mind gives us no say in the matter, so to speak. Sometimes many aspects of life can become so at odds with each other that the mind struggles to sort it all out and eventually a war begins inside the head. The reason the war happens is because the mind entertains what is true and what is not, equally. Understand that the true and false are subjective until they are accepted and become a belief. However, while the mind is in two minds, right and wrong or true and false continue to battle for supremacy. The sides will alternate in dominance, as people and surroundings empower them with personal or social perspectives.

 

“If despite the battle neither side wins the war, then the pressure put on the mind is overwhelming. Our nature’s require us to live a life and walk a chosen path, which is applicable to the person we are. That is the person who determines right and wrong and therefore the choices we make. In our sessions Bobby and I have come to an agreement that his choices were a form of self-protection but eventually, more about the appeasement of others. In a way, he placed his own importance and nature as secondary to everything and everyone else. Eventually he could no longer maintain the many façades he was presenting at any given moment, as he tried to keep everyone happy. His mind gave up the fight on the night he was with you.

 

“Billy, what I’m about to tell you may sound highly unlikely following what you experienced on the night he attacked you and also today. What you saw on that night was a man undergoing the fracturing of his mind. What you saw today was a man heavily sedated. There is still a lot of work to be done and it will take some time but the man I have seen during our sessions is nothing like the man you have come to know and expect.

 

“Billy, generally speaking, Bobby is clear-minded and socially functional. It is only when his confused thoughts and beliefs interfere with his rational processes that he appears as the stranger you’ve witnessed. Even in the short time I’ve been working with him and talking with him, those times are on the decrease. I’m not suggesting he will be released any time soon but I can clearly see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

“I think I’ve made it quite clear to you that Bobby’s attitudes and beliefs are at the core of his problem and that these things caused a short circuit. Retaining the metaphor, we don’t want to go into the power box and just replace a few wires. It is my intention to remove the damage and replace it but he has to do the work himself while under my guidance. Bobby’s stay with us is somewhat like retraining him as an electrician. He needs to relearn many things and it’s going to take time. Knowing something is one thing but accepting it and implementing it into a belief system is another.

 

“Billy, the reason I was hesitant about letting you see him today was because you figure heavily in what he is dealing with. Billy, Bobby told me about his assaults on you.”

 

Billy asked with surprise, “He did?”

 

“Yes, he did and I understand your reaction. I understand you were trying to protect him by not telling me but the fact that he told me about it is a good thing. There was a reason for his actions regardless of whether that reason was reasonable or not. It is my hope that one day soon, Bobby will speak to you and he will explain to you what he has explained to me. When I learned many of the things I did about Bobby, I didn’t know if you were holding a grudge and it was part of the reason I called you. When you agreed to see me and then wanted to see him, I decided to allow it to discover a true interaction between you and your brother. It was also the reason I made the visit conditional upon my attendance. Regardless, I was pleased with what I saw.”

 

“I love Bobby, even though it may seem strange after what happened between us. He’s my brother and I would love to have him back the way he used to be,” Billy said.

 

“I doubt you will ever see him exactly the way he was but as long as Bobby remains open to what we’re doing, I can’t see any reason why at some point in the future, the two of you could not re-establish a positive relationship.”

 

“Can’t you just tell me what he is telling you and then perhaps I can help?”

 

“Billy, not only would that be unethical and unprofessional on my part but it could also hinder the progress Bobby can make. He needs to take each step one at a time. He needs to learn and re-evaluate and come to terms with everything he has to deal with. I don’t want to and nor will I circumvent that process. You need to be patient, Billy. Bobby wants and needs to talk to you but he must be the one to initiate it and that will happen only when he’s ready.

 

“Billy, I need you to agree with this process if you want to figure in his healing and visit with him again. I cannot allow you to push him or try to manipulate him. He must arrive at his destination by choice. Are we in agreement?”

 

“Of course. I’ll abide by whatever instructions you give me. I just want to help and I want Bobby to get well.”

 

“I’m very pleased to hear that. Now to another matter, what about your parents? Are they aware of Bobby’s situation and should I expect a call or a visit?”

 

“No. Well, I don’t know or I’m not sure.”

 

“I don’t understand,” Rowan said, looking confused.

 

“My parents are obsessed with their religious beliefs. Everything they think, do and say is with religious attitudes and beliefs in mind. They are naïve in what they believe and accept and subsequently they believe mental health issues are in league with the devil. I spoke to my father and he refused to believe what I told him. When I said Bobby had a nervous breakdown, he took that to mean insane and possessed by the devil. He said I was lying to him and that there was nothing wrong with Bobby. It’s like talking to a brick wall.”

 

“I see. Would it help if I called and spoke to them?”

 

“I doubt it very much but you could try,” Billy replied.

 

“Oh. Well that certainly explains more of what Bobby is dealing with and that’s helpful. However, the important thing is Bobby’s mental health and so perhaps you could give me the number and I’ll attempt what you seem to think is unlikely. Either way, for Bobby’s sake, I need to know everything he has to deal with and accept. The more I’m aware of, the better chance I will have of helping Bobby put the pieces back together in a healthy manner,” Rowan explained.

 

“Sure. I understand,” Billy replied.

 

“If you think of anything that might be of help to Bobby, please don’t hesitate in contacting me and letting me know,” Rowan said.

 

“Of course,” Billy said.

 

“Well, Billy, have your questions been answered satisfactorily?”

 

“I guess so, at least in what you are able to tell me,” Billy replied.

 

“Well then, thank you for coming in and seeing me and for clarifying several things I needed to know. You’ve been very helpful, Billy,” Rowan said.

 

“When can I visit Bobby again,” Billy asked, now that he believed there was hope for the two of them.

 

“It would be my hope that regular visits could begin very soon. The sooner Bobby begins normal interaction with someone he can trust and that will have his best interests at heart, the better. When I believe he has reached that point, I’ll call you and perhaps we can begin weekly visits. If all goes well and to plan and also if you want and it is suitable for you, we can increase your visits as you like.”

 

Billy said, “Really?”

 

“I’m pleased the idea of that pleases you,” Rowan said with a smile.

 

“It does. It sounds like Bobby is going to need someone to be here for him and also someone to be there when he gets back to the world,” Billy said.

 

“Well yes but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Still, it’s good to know that when he is well, you’re prepared to be there for him.”

 

“I am but Rowan, I… Oh sorry, should I call you doctor?”

 

“Rowan is fine, Billy.”

 

“Rowan, there is something else and I’m wondering if I should alert you to it?”

 

“You should tell me anything that is relevant to Bobby and his condition,” Rowan said.

 

“Well, Bobby is very homophobic and I’m gay. I would hate for that to be an obstruction to your treatment.”

 

Rowan smiled because he already knew. “Billy, thank you for your honesty and openness and also for showing me that you’re truly committed to Bobby’s progress. Let me say that if Bobby continues in the manner he has been in the last few days then I believe your sexuality will not be a problem.”

 

“Good,” Billy said.

 

“Well then,” Rowan said and stood up.

 

Billy stood as well and he extended his hand to shake Rowan’s hand across the desk. As Rowan took it, Billy glanced down at the photo again and as he looked up into Rowan’s eyes, he saw the man’s eyes were following his.

 

“My son,” Rowan said.

 

Billy nodded. “Pride of place,” he commented.

 

“Yes, he’s a son and a man any father would be very proud to have,” Rowan exclaimed.

 

Billy nodded. “Thank you, Rowan,” he said.

 

“It was my pleasure Billy and I hope to give you the call you desire very soon.”

 

“I’ll be waiting. Have a good day and look after my brother,” Billy said.

 

“I will,” Rowan said and then he walked Billy to the door and saw him out.

 

When Billy reached his car and got in, he sat and stared at the nearest wall of the hospital, wondering if Bobby was behind any of the multitude of windows facing him. He imagined Bobby could see him and might be smiling.

 

Continuing to sit and think about his visit, he could not help but think that despite Rowan’s opinion to the contrary, he had been the cause of Bobby reacting the way he did. It seemed to make sense that following all the years of problems with him, it must have been the reason Bobby had gotten upset. Billy recalled how after only a few minutes in the private visiting room, Bobby had become so restless and aggravated. Billy could see no other alternative then he was the cause.

 

After only a couple of weeks in care and also with Rowan telling him on the phone that Bobby was responding to treatment, Billy now thought he had been stupid for thinking that morning while driving to the hospital, his brother might suddenly be fine. Instead, the sedation made Bobby slur when he spoke and it also made him struggle to maintain his train of thought.

 

Billy remembered Bobby’s reaction to him from only a visit of three or four minutes. He became so agitated and his eyes seemed so uneasy. Rowan had stepped from the back of the room and placed his hand on his back, ushering him from the room. At the same time, another man, an orderly, had led Bobby through another door. In Billy’s mind, nothing seemed to have changed.

 

“You have to trust that Rowan knows what he’s doing and what he’s talking about,” he said, expressing his thoughts verbally.

 

Billy sighed. He wished Nick were there with him at that moment. He thought one of Nick’s comforting hugs would make him feel better. However, he also knew that by the time he got home he would have to get ready for work. He was so sick of Nick leaving home in the very early morning and then not seeing Nick until he got home from the restaurant late at night. Nick waited up for him every night but still their waking hours together were limited. Billy wanted to go back to working in the days but his shifts were not a matter of choice. Sighing, Billy started his car and pulled out of the parking lot to continue with his day.

 

To be continued...