Chapter 19 

 

On Wednesday morning, just like every other morning, Nick awoke to his standard body-clock alarm. However, there was something different about this morning, as he realized he was absolutely exhausted. For the first time in four years, Nick called work and asked for time off. He did not just ask for the day, he asked for the rest of the week.

 

Kyle Beck, Nick’s boss, held the phone to his ear and listened but though he was surprised by the sudden request, he was not at all bothered by it. There was no hesitation in Kyle’s voice as he agreed to Nick’s need for personal and necessary time. Nick did not go into detail or make up elaborate excuses, he simply asked for the time off until the following Monday. All he said to Kyle was that someone very close to him had been rushed to hospital and needed him. Knowing Nick had never taken a day off since he started work, Kyle told him it was perfectly fine and to call him again if he needed extra time. Kyle was more than aware of the quality employee he had and he was not about to do or say anything to jeopardize keeping him happy.

 

Highly relieved, Nick put the phone down. His big body dropped back down onto the mattress and he let his head fall back onto the pillow. In less then two minutes he returned to the deepest state of sleep.

 

It was nine o’clock when his eyes opened again. He was amazed because he never went back to sleep but he understood why he had. He was certain the events of the previous week had combined to take a toll on him. He was also sure the stress of what happened the previous night, caused an overflow and added to his exhaustion. It was not just physical; it was mental and emotional as well. Regardless, the additional hours of sleep did him the world of good. The heaviness had left his eyes as well as his body and he felt closer to his usual self.

 

Nick’s mind returned to the events of Tuesday night and of course, to Billy in particular. Just the thought of Billy brought a new smile to his face. It was new because it came from a different place inside of him. He could still barely believe what he realized the afternoon before but even so, he could not stop wondering how he did not recognize the degree of what he was feeling for someone. Irrespective, he was glad he finally had.

 

Nick’s expression changed as he remembered how he felt when he heard Billy in trouble behind his door. The moment he realized he could not get to Billy, his first emotions had been anger and frustration. Though those feelings remained in play during the entire event, it was the following emotion that held dominion over his other thoughts, feelings and actions. It was a distinct fear. It had been instantaneous but it had not been solely about Billy. Of that Nick was certain.

 

There was no question Nick was scared for Billy’s safety and wanted to help and protect him but it was the bigger picture and broader fear, which were personal and equal in measure. It was that fear, which mandated his every unconscious step. It was the fear of losing someone.

 

Though in no way a reflection that diminished Billy’s importance, still there was a core or foundation to Nick’s fear. It speared him and empowered his reactions, as it exploded from the crux of his psychology. His fear of the loss of another person of importance was encapsulating. It lifted his anger, his strength and also his determination to such heights that the pain of his collision with the door had gone unnoticed. It left another deep and painful bruise, this one on his upper right arm and shoulder. It was not until everything was over and everyone was gone, while he was turning off the oven in Billy’s kitchen, he actually felt the physical effects.

 

Nick glanced out the window onto a new day but another one of blue sky and heavy sunshine. He recalled the feeling when his eyes had fallen on Bobby. In the years he had lived and all the aggressive and violent encounters he had taken part in, he had never felt such abhorrent feelings toward another person. He practically wanted to kill the man. Even at the moment of the feelings, he swiftly recognized how unfamiliar the emotions were and he had to control his anger toward the stranger. Hours later, now in the light of day, he still could not quite grasp being the vehicle of such malevolent feelings. They unsettled him and he forcibly turned his mind elsewhere.

 

Remembering the ache in his heart when he saw Billy twisted on the carpet and looking broken and bleeding, Nick recalled how in that moment, his chest tightened up from the sight and his breathing labored. It was the first absolute sign of the extent of his feelings, which did not require reasoning or rationalization. It had also been the moment he realized he was placing Billy’s importance to him, as equal to those people in his life he had lost. The actual thought that ran through Nick’s mind were silent words that said, “I can’t lose Billy, too.” How he felt about Billy was comprehensively confirmed when he sat on the floor beside him and held him in his arms. It was the moment above all moments up to that point.

 

A smile crossed Nick’s face as he also remembered Billy calling him his savior. As he thought about it now, it surprised him how his reply had fallen from his mouth unconsciously yet without doubt or question. He knew he would protect the young man no matter what and no matter the cost. Though he did not realize at the time, it was how he had felt about Dan on the night Julia had died.

 

Later, it was the look in Billy’s heart-melting, indigo eyes, which assured him their feelings were the same. This was perhaps the most important moment because it had not only been about him. It had been about Billy as well and he felt as if they had been connected in an instant.

 

The words ran across his mind again, “How could I have been so blind” and he confirmed his obliviousness had been in play for a minimum of a month and a half. He knew it was somewhere back around that time, when he started to feel those vague feelings of need and connection. He justified he was apprehensive around people and had issues of trust but even so, he just did not grasp why he had not recognized something that now felt so strong. It also irritated him that he could not see the way Billy felt about him. He thought that if he had realized, things might have been different earlier.

 

As all of these things continued to slap him into awareness, he recognized how so many of Billy’s looks, remarks and so many of his actions and displays of interest, seemed to hold such completely different meanings now. He really liked the thought. It was the idea that Billy cared about him and Nick knew he could barely wait to see him again.

 

The idea of seeing Billy again, returned his mind to the night before and made him wonder if soon he would have another problem. Nick could not believe what he was put through after Billy’s ordeal with his brother was over. He was so afraid and so upset for Billy but that damnable woman behind the glass did not care. Nick knew he was fully capable and that he wanted to put his fist through the glass. He wanted to grab her by the throat and squeeze until she was begging for the compassion he was seeking from her. Of course he knew he could never do such a thing but it did not stop him from wanting to. At the time he considered that if he had let go and unleashed his frustration, he would have said as he squeezed, “Maybe now you can understand how it feels when someone just doesn’t give a damn.” Whatever the case, his night at the hospital had been less than easy. In fact, it was a frustrating occurrence to endure.

 

When Nick arrived at the Detroit Receiving Hospital in midtown, he discovered it was referred to by almost everyone with the acronym, DMC, which stood for Detroit Medical Centre.  Nick had fundamentally been dismissed with little consideration. It was bad enough it was his first time even going to a hospital and that the whole environment was an alien world to him but also, he knew nothing about the procedures and the bureaucracy concerning patient’s and the rights required to actually get inside to see them.

 

Nick stood arguing with an African-American woman behind a reception counter in the emergency centre. All she would say was that if he was not family, he had no rights. Nick pleaded with her to at least find out if Billy were okay but with relentless stubbornness, she would not budge from her standard rhetoric and the rules.

 

Frustrated and upset but mostly worried, he walked outside into the night air and slumped down onto a bench. Looking particularly disheartened, Nick was at his wits end. Some minutes later, another African-American woman, this time a young nurse on a break, sat down beside him. She thought from his body language he had lost someone. He looked so alone she decided a little support and consolation would not go astray.

 

During the course of their brief time together, Nick explained the situation to her and so feeling sorry for him, she told him to wait where he was while she went inside. Approximately ten minutes later, she returned. She told him Billy was in a stable condition and if there were not any changes overnight, he would be released the following day.

 

Nick told her he would need to pick Billy up and asked her what time he should arrive. She told him she was not certain but that it would probably be around late morning to midday. Looking at him and seeing his frustration and uncertainty, for reference sake, she told him her name was Thalia Hurst. She suggested he call the next morning and tell whomever he spoke to, she had told him to call because he was expected to pick Billy up. She then suggested he request an approximate time of arrival. Following, Thalia added that the woman, Billy’s friend, whose last name Nick had not known, was listed as Honey Rockford but she was in a more serious condition and was being monitored closely. She additionally added she could not locate or get any information on a Doctor Ann Albury.

 

Nick dragged his body from his bed, shaved, showered and got dressed. He made the call to the hospital and the woman on the phone was very helpful. At eleven o’clock he arrived back at the hospital with clothes for Billy to wear home. When he finally saw him, Billy had two black eyes, two stitches to the gash through a partly shaven eyebrow and a very swollen lower lip. He also had been bandaged around the torso as well as his left, upper arm. Nick remembered the huge gash across Billy’s chest, as he looked at the huge amount of bandage. Billy looked better than he had the night before but in his current physical condition, it tore at Nick’s natural empathy.

 

Nick’s eyes lit up the moment he saw Billy look up from the paperwork he was filling out. It was as if Billy’s eyes physically touched him the moment they came to rest on him. Billy’s recognition was replaced by an enormous smile but then he cried out in pain, as his split lip stretched and stung and began to bleed lightly.

 

Billy had been thinking about Nick for much of the morning. He had been trying to recall things from the night before, following the moment Nick had broken down the door but his mind was fundamentally a confused montage. He remembered Nick holding him in his arms. He remembered hearing Nick say he would save him any time, although he did not know why Nick would have said that. There were also feelings he could remember. They were thoughts of feelings that told him Nick cared for him in the way he had wished for the last three months. None of it made any real sense to him and he wondered if the blow to his head was affecting him and causing him to allow his fanciful, vain hopes to influence him.

 

His doubts aside, there were other pieces of the montage, which despite being as misty as most of it, seemed to connect dots that affirmed the feelings there was more to what happened than he could clearly remember. There was a memory of Nick’s fingers combing the fallen strands of hair off his forehead and up into the hair on his head. It had been done with such tenderness. There was also another moment that was the most vague of all his memories, making Billy believe as he argued its likelihood, he was just wishing on stars. It was a look between them that resounded throughout his body and soul, which Billy thought if his feelings had not already been a reality, the look would have conquered him in that moment. Again Billy wondered if he had dreamt it.

 

These memories were such little things and so obscure, yet still they gripped him tightly. They warmed his heart, made him smile and though he could not put enough memories together to be certain or to explain what had actually taken place between them, they gave him such high hopes and he had not been able to wait to see Nick again. He thought it was a little frustrating because rationally, some vague sense was telling him something, however, accepting it as fact, forced him to question his grasp on reality.

 

Billy was shocked when he saw Nick. He thought he would have to get a cab home and so Nick’s appearance was a true surprise. On discovering Nick had come to pick him up and take him home, Billy could hardly believe it. He felt that background feeling again, telling him something more had happened between them but yet again, he could not remember. He thought it was the oddest thing to not know for certain and yet to be aware of a subconscious knowledge that Nick was gay and had feelings for him. The old thought, “Nick is straight” ran quietly through his mind but with a more resounding nature, the vague sense of the night before countered the suggestion commandingly.

 

Nick asked as he approached the bed, “How are you feeling?”

 

“Better than I look,” Billy replied.

 

“You look fine,” Nick said.

 

“You must have low expectations,” Billy said insecurely.

 

“Are you fishing for complements, Billy?”

 

“No but I’ll accept any that you want to give me, Nick.”

 

“Perhaps I’ll give you one later but for now, I bought you some clothes,” he said and put them on the bed.

 

“Thanks, Nick.”

 

“Have you heard any news about your friend, Honey?”

 

“Yeah. Actually, Ann came to see me earlier. Honey’s condition stabilized in the early hours of this morning. She’s going to be fine.”

 

“Well that’s good news,” Nick said.

 

“Yeah, it is. I was so worried about her,” Billy replied.

 

“As was I about you,” Nick said sincerely.

 

“Well I’m okay, Nick, thanks to you.”

 

“I didn’t do anything,” Nick said dismissively.

 

“Nick, if it weren’t for you coming to my door, well, I really don’t know what would have happened.”

 

“Well Billy, it doesn’t matter now because you’re here and safe and you’re okay, which is more positive than I can be about these hospitals. I came to check on you last night but they wouldn’t let me see you. I spent an hour trying to get some bitch to at least tell me if you were okay but she just kept saying that if I wasn’t family, there was nothing she could do. I know they have their rules but surely putting someone’s mind at ease wouldn’t break their precious rules. Anyone would think it was a matter of national security,” Nick said thoughtfully while shaking his head.

 

“I’m not really sure but I think it’s about patient security and privacy. Even so, I think they take it too far at times. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Nick.”

 

“Jesus, listen to me, carrying on like it’s all about me. You’re the one who was hurt and is in hospital,” Nick said while admonishing himself.

 

“Maybe but it’s still nice to know you cared and I think what they put you through was wrong,” Billy said.

 

Nick asked, despite the fact that he was still angry with the man who hurt Billy, as well as two unsuspecting women, “Did you hear anything about your brother?”

 

“Yeah. A psychiatrist came to see me to get information about him. I guess Ann must have told them Bobby was my brother. I really couldn’t tell him anything specific, other than to explain what happened to him while he was with me. The psychiatrist told me Bobby had experienced a complete mental breakdown and that he would need some serious care. He also said Bobby was heavily medicated. He took my details and said he would contact me to let me know where Bobby would be taken. He said I should expect that whomever his eventual doctor would be, he or she would probably want to talk to me,” Billy explained.

 

“I’m so sorry, Billy. It must be difficult for you.”

 

“Yeah, it is, well sort of, Nick. It’s a long and very involved story but I’ll tell you about it at another time,” he replied.

 

Billy looked down and signed the form he had been filling out. He threw the clipboard onto the lower half of the bed and felt gratified that it was time to get the hell out of the hospital. He wanted to go home and now that Nick was there, he wanted to spend as much time with him as he could. He threw the sheet off his lower body and slowly turned, dropping his legs over the side but he twisted too severely and it pulled at the stitches in his chest. He winced and grabbed at the bandage, grimacing in pain for a few moments.

 

Nick stepped closer to his side and his hand held Billy’s arm considerately, as he looked at him with such deep feeling and concern. It was an action of confirmation to Billy, adding to the vague sense that Nick felt more than he had realized. Cautiously, though, Billy said nothing of those thoughts and held his reaction in check.

 

“I’m okay, Nick, I just need to take it easier.”

 

Nick nodded and then he pulled the curtains around the bed. He walked back to Billy and reached for the clothes he brought with him. He helped Billy get dressed, taking extra care not to hurt him and then helped him out to the nurse’s station. Afterwards, they took a quick detour to go and see Honey but she was asleep and Ann was sitting beside her bed, looking very tired after an all night vigil of her girlfriend.

 

“Hello Nick,” Ann said, smiling pleasantly at him as they entered the room.

 

“Hi Ann. No offence but you look like you could use some sleep,” he replied.

 

“I’ll sleep when I’m one hundred percent certain Honey is okay,” Ann said.

 

Billy piped in, “I thought you said she was going to be okay?”

 

“She is but when she wakes and I get to talk to her, then I’ll relax and consider my own situation.”

 

“Jesus,” Billy said in shock, as he turned and looked at Honey and saw the blue bruising from her mouth to her forehead. “What in hell did Bobby do to her?”

 

“I guess he must have hit her in the face but that was the least of her problems. The back of her head has a baseball sized lump on it and that was where the real issue arose,” Ann explained.

 

“I’m so sorry, Ann,” Billy said, feeling responsible for his brother’s actions.

 

“Don’t do that, Billy. It isn’t your fault and you had nothing to do with your brother’s actions directly. It was a simple matter of right place at the wrong time. As I said, Honey is going to be okay and that’s what really matters,” she said firmly and Billy nodded.

 

Billy asked, “Ann, will you call me and keep me updated?”

 

“Of course, Billy, as soon as I have any news, you’ll be the first to know. I’m glad you’re all right by the way. Anyway, Nick, I think you should get our boy home. Any chance you could check in on him?”

 

“It won’t be a problem, Ann. I’ve taken the rest of the week off work so I can look after him,” Nick said.

 

Billy’s expression turned to shock, his face turned away from Ann’s and he stared at Nick and said, “You what? Nick, you didn’t have to do that. It isn’t like I’m at death’s door or something?”

 

“Button it Mr Jackson, it’s my turn to look after you,” Nick said, his eyes gazing at Billy as if he was seeing someone of the greatest importance.

 

Billy was stunned, he felt excitement but still uncertainty gripped him and so as usual, he turned to humor and quipped, “I guess we’ll be ordering in?”

 

“Smartass,” Nick said and Ann chuckled.

 

Ann was still looking at the two men but now she was looking in a different way. The night before she had been curious when she saw how Nick had been looking at Billy but now, as Nick continued to stare at him after they had stopped speaking, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the two men were on a major collision course. It was like knowing with absolute certainty that day follows night on earth.

 

“Go on, boys, get out of here and I’ll contact you as soon as I know anything new,” she said.

 

Billy walked over and gave Ann a kiss on the cheek, thanked her and said goodbye. Unseen by Nick, Ann flashed a look at Nick that only Billy would see and then she looked back at Billy with a pointed expression and a subtle wink. Billy’s face flushed a momentary shade of red and then he turned and began to walk.

 

“Bye Ann,” Nick said and then the two men proceeded to make their way from the hospital.

 

As Nick drove them home, for at least the first ten minutes very little conversation took place. Something odd sat between them in the car but it was not something physical. It was the knowledge of how they felt about each other and the apprehension of what to say or how to get things started. It was completely new for Nick, a world yet to be really explored. As for Billy, he was feeling a little intimidated by the thoughts in his head. He still was not even certain if they were real. Being a part of Nick’s life was something he had wanted for so long, it had become a fantasy monster. Nothing had really been said between them, at least that he could recall. Now he felt like he was on the verge of something just out of reach and he did not know what to say or do.

 

“It’s such a beautiful day,” Nick said as the sunshine and blue sky seemed to gild his mood, which was subdued but happy and filled with emotions. He thought it was a little odd to feel this way after the upheaval of the previous afternoon and night, however, he knew something about Billy now and it was generating anticipation. Not specifically in a sexual sense, although that was definitely a part of the equation. He thought about making love to Billy and he wanted to pull the car to the curb and grab him and kiss him. More specifically however, Nick really wanted to hold Billy and he wanted to talk to him. Not just idle chatter but to really talk to him.

 

“Yeah, it is a beautiful day,” Billy replied.

 

Nick asked, “Is there anything you need at home before we get there?”

 

“No, I’m stocked up on everything so we should be fine for the next few days,” Billy said, forgetting that he needed coffee.

 

Nick’s eyes remained on the road but inside his head, the word “we” was like both an invitation and a confirmation at the same time. He felt his heart begin to beat just a little faster and a warm feeling like a tingle pass beneath his skin. He stopped at a set of traffic lights and as soon as the car came to a halt, he turned and looked at Billy. He had been wondering how to go about bringing the subject up but in that moment, as Billy looked back at him and questioned him, Nick simply said the first thing that came into his mind.

 

When Billy saw the way Nick was looking at him, he simply asked, “What?”

 

“I was just thinking about something you said to me last night,” Nick said.

 

Billy’s eyes became distant and he asked, “When? I mean what did I say?”

 

“When you suggested what you did about the cut over your eye,” Nick clarified.

 

Billy’s expression went blank. He had no idea at all what Nick was talking about. His mind had been fuzzy and in a daze at the time and he was on the verge of falling into unconsciousness. The only things he remembered for certain, after the door came crashing into the room on top of him, was Nick holding him in his arms and telling him he would save him anytime. Billy believed the look in Nick’s eyes and the tone of his voice in that moment, were the two specifics that initiated the thoughts that perhaps his wish could come true. After that it was all just vague flashes. Ann was suddenly there in front of him and telling him he had to stay awake and there was one other moment that he could not be certain of but he thought he dreamed that Nick was caressing his face.

 

“I’m sorry Nick but I don’t remember.”

 

“You told me that I should kiss your eye better, like you had done to mine,” Nick explained.

 

Billy’s mouth fell open and his eyes grew wide. He could not believe he had told Nick he kissed his eye. He wondered if Nick was angry with him but then he felt embarrassed because his actions were without Nick’s consent. He did not want to deny saying it or doing it but it did not stop him from feeling guilty.

 

“I’m sorry I said that to you, Nick, I must have been delirious,” Billy said with a flustered response.

 

“Don’t say that, Billy. I’d like to believe you wanted me to kiss your eye.”

 

Billy was shocked by the outright admission that Nick had no problem with kissing him but still he replied, “I would have wanted you to, if I could remember it.”

 

“Well, I did kiss it, Billy, though I doubt it made it better,” Nick said.

 

The brief dialogue was a complete confirmation of how much everything had changed and it also gave all of his foggy memories realness. All of it slapped Billy into an accepting reality.

 

“God – It’s really happening,” he said.

 

Nick asked, “What’s happening?”

 

“What I’ve wanted for the last three months,” Billy said vaguely.

 

Nick turned to look at him and said, “What have you wanted?”

 

Before Billy replied, a horn sounded behind them and Nick realized the lights had changed to green. He slid the gear into first and accelerated through the intersection, passing through each gear until the car was cruising in forth.

 

Nick asked, forgetting his previous question, “Did you really kiss my eye last Saturday night?”

 

“Yes,” Billy said, seeing no point in lying while also not wanting to lie to Nick.

 

“I don’t remember,” Nick said.

 

“You’d fallen asleep,” Billy explained.

 

“So on one level or another, we were both unconscious at the time we kissed each other,” Nick said.

 

“Yeah, I guess we were,” Billy replied with a half chuckle.

 

“Well, maybe next time we can kiss each other while we’re both fully conscious,” Nick suggested, pushing through any insecure discomfort.

 

With those words, any doubt that still remained in Billy’s mind, drained away as he imagined Nick’s lips on his and he said, “I’d like that, Nick.”

 

“As would I, Billy, as would I.”

 

“Jesus,” Billy said, his voice sounding exasperated, even though he was just staggered beyond belief and trying to fathom that his dream was coming true.

 

Nick asked, worried that something was wrong, “What?”

 

“Nick, I’m fucking crazy about you,” he said while shaking his head.

 

“Well Billy, I don’t know that I can say the same thing to you exactly but I know my feelings for you are stronger than they have ever been for anyone. As strange as this may sound to you, I didn’t even realize the truth or the extent of what I was feeling for you until last night.”

 

“All that matters is you realized and that now it’s out in the open, Nick.”

 

“I have a lot to tell you,” Nick said.

 

Suddenly a new world lay ahead of Nick and as he considered what it could mean, he felt uncomfortable with the turn of events. Eric had told him to trust and believe in himself but still his past and his inexperience seemed like a weight between Billy and him. He felt like yesterday could interfere with today and tomorrow. He thought if he told Billy all the things he had told Eric, it might somehow ease his uncertainties and insecurities, making the anticipated events easier.

 

“I want to know everything about you, Nick.”

 

“I want to know everything about you, too,” Nick said and pulled the car to the curb outside of their building.

 

To be continued...