Chapter 16 

 

Billy entered his apartment and closed the door. He looked down and saw the water dripping onto the carpet from his soaked clothes. A small smile adjusted the shape of his face and when it did, he realized his reaction and the smile grew larger. He knew if it had been anyone else that had drenched him, he would have been utterly furious, however, the fact it was Nick made everything all right. He smiled at his outrageous double standards but he could not care less. As far as he was concerned, Nick was James Bond and could have a license to kill. He took a step to begin the water trail to the bathroom but instantly the phone rang. He turned and looked at it, his eyes irritated from a sense of frustration directed toward the unknown caller. Billy laughed at his hypocrisy. Nick could drown him but an unexpected interruption was a mortal sin. He shrugged indifferently and then crossed the room to take the call.

 

Curiously, followed closely by a huff, Billy said, “Hello?”

 

A woman’s voice replied questioningly, “Billy?”

 

“Yes,” he confirmed sternly.

 

“It’s Ann.”

 

The irritation melting away the moment he was aware of who it was, Billy said happily, “Hi Ann, how are you?”

 

“I’m well, Billy. How are you?”

 

“Yeah, I’m okay. A little wet behind the ears,” he said and chuckled.

 

“I don’t understand, Billy,” Ann said.

 

“Don’t try, Ann. Is everything all right?”

 

“Well not really, Billy, in fact that’s why I’m calling you.”

 

Billy asked, his voice rising to accentuate his sudden anxiousness, “What’s happened? Are you and Honey okay?”

 

“Billy, it’s fine, don’t get worried. It’s just that the Volkswagen broke down and Honey asked me to call you. She wanted me to let you know that we probably won’t arrive at your place until seven thirty this evening.”

 

Billy asked with a raised tone of voice, “Seven thirty? Where in hell are you?”

 

“We’ve been in Ann Arbor all afternoon,” Ann replied.

 

Now highly curious, Billy asked, “What were you doing in Ann Arbor?”

 

“We came because I had an appointment at the Medical Centre. We’ve been at the University of Michigan since early this afternoon. When we were about to leave, we couldn’t get the car to start and we had to have it towed to a petrol station, sorry, a gas station to have it repaired,” Ann explained.

 

Knowing that Ann Arbor was less than an hour away by car, Billy asked, “Is it fixed now?”

 

“No, not yet. Apparently it’s an easy problem to fix but the mechanic who is doing the work, needed to order in the part. It won’t arrive for at least another hour and then he has to fit it. If his time approximations are correct then according to Honey, it will be at least seven thirty before we arrive back in Detroit. Just a moment, Billy, Honey wants to say something.”

 

Billy’s expression was neutral as he waited. He listened to the muffled sounds of the phone changing hands but his expression changed to a smirk when he heard what Honey had to say to him.

 

“What is this, Billy, the third degree? Do you want our life stories as well? We’ll be there at seven thirty and that’s all there is to it,” Honey said dismissively.

 

“Honey, I wasn’t interrogating Ann, I was talking to her. I didn’t realize that was a crime, so fuck off and put Ann back on the phone. You’re just jealous that she’s talking to me and not you,” Billy replied.

 

Billy’s smirk became a satisfied grin, as he heard Honey’s irritated huff and then once again the muffled exchange of the phone between hands.

 

Again, Ann said, “Billy?”

 

“Hi Ann. So what’s the story with the Medical Centre at the University of Michigan, if it isn’t a personal question?”

 

“No, not at all. They contacted me in Cleveland and were interested in my taking on a position with them. I had decided to decline but as we were going to be here to visit you, Honey suggested that we go and that I at least leave my options open and consider it.”

 

Billy asked, “So is it a good opportunity?”

 

“Actually yes, it is, Billy. A very good opportunity.”

 

Billy was now more than interested in this piece of information and he asked, “Better than where you are now?”

 

“In some ways, yes, it is,” she replied.

 

Smiling, as he began to consider possibilities, he questioned further, “Is it better money?”

 

“Yes, Billy, substantially,” Ann said.

 

Suddenly realizing something he had never considered before, he said, “I never did ask you, Ann, what sort of doctor are you?”

 

“I’m a Neurosurgeon, Billy.”

 

Billy was shocked and said, “Holy shit, a brain doctor?”

 

“Yes Billy,” Ann said with a chuckle before continuing, “the brain but that is one part of a larger picture.”

 

Self-servingly he said, “So you could take this job and live closer to me?”

 

“Yes we could, Billy,” Ann agreed.

 

“We? I meant just you. Leave Honey in Cleveland,” Billy said jokingly.

 

Ann laughed despite herself and said, “Be nice Billy but thank you for the subtle compliment.”

 

“Well I really can’t help myself where you’re concerned. You’re a feel good person and you definitely make me feel good. Actually I wanted to apologize to you, Ann.”

 

Completely mystified by the sudden turn in the conversation and also because of her belief that Billy had been nothing but decent to her from the moment they met, Ann said, “For what?”

 

“For my comment about your accent,” Billy said with a guilty tone.

 

“Oh Billy, don’t be silly,” she began and they both laughed at the rhyming phrase before she said, “Sorry, Billy, that was unintentional.”

 

“I know but it was funny because of its innocence,” he replied.

 

“Yes, it was, however, I took no offence to your remark, Billy. Honestly. I told you that I’m not a fan of accentuated accents. Comments like yours are relatively standard whenever people find out that I’m Australian. It’s an assumption that all Australian’s speak the same. It would be like saying that all American’s speak the same, which would be ludicrous when you have north and south accents, east and west accents and then there are those from state to state. It would simply be a radical generalization. Billy, I’m use to it so don’t worry about it. My response to you, by the way, was not meant as return fire and regardless of the way Honey’s ‘take that’ remark suggested that it was, I can assure you that it wasn’t. It’s my opinion and nothing more.”

 

“I understand and thank you for clarifying that for me, Ann.”

 

“You’re welcome, Billy.”

 

“Ann, I don’t mean to cut you off abruptly but I need to change my clothes and take a shower so I’ll chat with you when you arrive.”

 

“No problem, Billy.”

 

Billy said with an accentuated Australian accent, “Don’t you mean, ‘No worries, mate’?

 

Ann chuckled and said, “Of course, Billy. We’ll see you soon.”

 

“No stopping for lesbian sex,” he added.

 

“Spoil sport,” Ann said and then ended the call.

 

Billy laughed loudly but as he put down the phone, he looked down and saw that his carpet beneath where he had been standing was soaked. “Fuck,” he screamed to no one in particular and then ran to the bathroom to strip off his dripping clothes.

 

***

 

Quite some time after Billy left him on the street, Nick walked up the stairs to his apartment. He stopped at the top landing and stared at Billy’s closed door. His face was disbelieving. The urge to knock on the door was provocative and he could not believe how strong his desire was to see and speak to Billy again. In his standard, dismissive fashion, Nick told himself he must be wrong because he could not make sense of a realization that seemed to have come out of nowhere.

 

It was not a matter of Billy being unattractive because since Saturday night, Nick was very attracted to him. It was also not a matter of any type of doubt or turn-off or bias because there was nothing about Billy he did not like. Nick simply could not understand how he could be blind and then suddenly see.

 

Shaking his head, Nick forcibly turned himself away from Billy’s door and entered his own apartment. He moved directly to the bathroom to shower away the sweat and grime.

 

While standing beneath the flow of water, Nick’s mind was awhirl with uncertainty. In overdrive, he searched for reasons to reject what he was thinking and feeling. During the first half of the three months they had known each other, Billy had always been consistently decent and kind to him. Nick knew he had been dismissive of Billy in return. Holding Billy at arms length had not been for negative reasons and he had not felt bad about doing it. The point had simply been that being detached was the way he was with everyone.

 

As his memories moved forward into the second half of their time as neighbors, he could not deny that things had changed. They had definitely become friendlier. Nick thought that liking the young man seemed perfectly natural, considering how Billy liked him and treated him like he was important. Despite how he avoided getting too close to Billy, he could not overlook how he often considered befriending him. It became even more comfortable when Billy’s easy ways transformed and Billy began to joke with him. Their connection evolved regardless of his attempts to keep Billy at a distance. Billy was kind and funny and sometimes he would say outrageous things, all of which made it easy to like him or to enjoy seeing him.

 

Nick thought that none of these things suggested there was anything more to what was going on between them at the time. He gazed through the glass of the shower recess and stared at the tiled floor, his eyes questioning.

 

Returning to his memories of Saturday night when he had questioned his thoughts in a similar manner, Nick recalled how he had taken notice he was thinking about Billy on random and odd occasions. He tried to rationalize that the same thing happened with Eric but he knew those thoughts had always been fundamentally about sex but with a fantasy of love. With Billy it was different because thinking about him had always been surrounded in simple and enjoyable thoughts, which induced smiles and good feelings.

 

Thoughtfully he wondered, “Surely such simplicity couldn’t have led to what I felt this afternoon? There has to be more to needing someone then easy feelings? Even if it were the case, why didn’t I ever look at Billy the way I looked at Eric?”

 

Nick rubbed the face cloth over his chest and up his neck but as he slid it over his face, he brought the other hand into play. With both hands he held it over his eyes like a curtain from reality. It seemed momentarily comforting against something he thought was so unexpected and irrational.

 

Picturing Eric, Nick could not help but be aware of how incredible he thought the man was. He still believed he was the most handsome man with the hottest body he had ever seen. Now, after their previous night’s encounter, he believed it even more so.

 

A moment later Nick saw a picture of Billy in his mind as well. As usual he made the distinction that no one held a candle to Eric. Physically, at least in his opinion, the man was exceptional. Nick’s hands fell away from his face, dragging the face cloth away at the same time. His eyes were wide and his mouth hung open and both were a perfect display of comprehension. The realization was immediate.

 

All the men Nick looked at and thought about were stunning men. They were, according to Nick’s taste, perfect faces and bodies. They were dreams and fantasies of male perfection. The penny dropped and Nick finally understood. Billy was an attractive young man but he was not like the men he had wished for and dreamed of.

 

Though his inexperience from a life without sexual interaction gave good reason, Nick suddenly understood he had been allowing himself to be led by superficiality. It made him understand more deeply why he felt so differently about Eric following the previous night. He still thought Eric was stunning but due to certain conclusions and decisions Nick had made, he was now seeing Eric from a different perspective.

 

Grasping the intricacies, Nick realized how he now cared about Eric in a way that was so much more than physical. Nick knew that even though his recollections of the sex with Eric had been undeniably physical, still every time he had thought of Eric during the day, his thoughts and feelings had become far more personal.

 

An errant thought divided Eric from all the hot men Nick had looked at and imagined and fantasized about. The single difference was Eric had never been only about sex. Sure the lust had existed for the last four years but he had also really liked Eric during those four years as well.

 

Nick understood the separation that divided the diversity of his attractions. All the random men were just sexual fantasies. Eric was a sexual fantasy but he was an emotional fantasy as well. After opening up the previous night to Eric, everything between them had now changed. He could still look at Eric through eyes of lust and wantonness but now he saw through eyes that combined sex, love, friendship and a feeling he imagined was like family. Suddenly, the conclusions most people came to whilst moving into adulthood through experience, Nick was only realizing now.

 

The equation suddenly had a solution. The feelings for Eric had been more than just pictures in his head like all the other men. Now those feelings were real and there was, in some inexplicable yet familiar way, a similar association to the way his feelings for Billy had evolved.

 

Turning his mind once again to Billy, Nick knew he was a different kind of story. Billy had been an acquaintance growing into a friend and on Saturday night Nick had even considered him like a younger brother. It was now pretty damned obvious that over the past three months he had liked Billy and felt their connection becoming stronger. For quite some time he assumed it ignited his desire for a friend. He maintained a quiet hope in that regard, never letting go of his hope completely, even though he had decided out of fear, not to embrace the friendship.

 

Again Nick knew there was a reason for his avoidance, which he assumed was a fear of loss. Out of the blue however, on Saturday night he felt those unexpected feelings for Billy, which only made the reason more frightening, even though the thoughts were so damned enticing. Soon after, Billy was naked with him and caring about him and then finally Billy’s touch had driven him to a sexual place. Those memories revealed a change in his attitude toward Billy.

 

Details of Saturday night began to replay in his mind. He saw and heard the young man who had cooked him a meal, sitting naked beside him on his bed. He remembered stealing glances of Billy’s body and wanting to touch him. He recalled their amusing conversation while he ate and then later another return of those warm feelings. Nick wiped the showering water from his eyes, looked up at the ceiling and suddenly things seemed to be making sense.

 

He thought about how on Sunday morning he wanted so desperately to see Billy and to say thank you. For the entire day, no matter what happened in between, every time he returned to his apartment, he would return to knock on Billy’s door and every time he felt disappointment the young man was out.

 

As a whole, all of these details served up a feast of the obvious and Nick wondered why he had been so blind. With a slow turn he rinsed his body and then he turned off the flow of water. As he began toweling his body dry, despite all of his reasonable thinking and clarification, another consideration came to mind and it filled him with doubt.

 

Nick now believed his feelings for Billy could be real. In fact, he actually liked the idea when he considered how well they got on. The doubt came when he questioned Billy’s sexuality. He wondered, “What are the chances? It would have to be a million to one odds,” he thought. He sighed as he decided it was irrelevant. In the simplest of terms, Billy being gay had never crossed his mind and so Nick assumed no possibility existed.

 

He decided he had to put the ideas of sex and love with Billy out of his mind. However, following what he had said to Eric about learning to trust and open up, he felt he had to allow Billy to be a friend. He wondered how easy that would be, now that he realized he felt as strongly as he did.

 

Denial of the substance of what it was he wanted, no matter who the man was at the crux of it, was not an easy thought. After all the years gone by, suddenly he was feeling something intense that was not all about sex. It was similar to what he was feeling about Eric but he thought Billy would probably be the type of guy he needed, if only he were gay. Nick sighed with resignation, once again feeling like everything had to be difficult.

 

Irrespective of all his latest revelations and realizations, as he so often did, Nick wished there was someone he could talk to. It was a desire for clarification to put him at ease. He always felt like someone else would know better, even though he constantly worked things out for himself. This time however, for the first time, he considered there was someone that was actually available.

 

Curious, Nick wondered what Eric would have to say on the matter. He thought he would probably tell him he was imagining it or being desperate. He also considered Eric would say he was just a horny guy who after getting a taste for something, now wanted more. That thought made sense because he knew he did want more. He put on a t-shirt and then specifically chose shorts; the knee length variety Billy had referred to and then he sat on his bed and stared at the phone. He debated whether Eric’s offer to be there for him was sincere and whether Eric would regret having said it. Five minutes later, Nick picked up the extension phone to call Eric.

 

Michelle said, answering the phone almost immediately, “Hello?”

 

“Michelle, it’s Nick Rawlins,” he revealed.

 

“Hi Nick, wow, long time no speak,” she offered kindly and happily.

 

“Yeah, it’s been a while,” he agreed.

 

“Too long and no pressure but I think we should get together at some time,” she suggested.

 

“I’d like that,” Nick said to both of their surprise.

 

“As would Eric and I, most definitely,” she said.

 

“Thank you for yesterday, Michelle.”

 

Seriously uncertain, she asked, “For what?”

 

“For looking beyond the likely, for having faith in me and for sending Eric to get to the bottom of things,” he explained.

 

Michelle laughed and then said, “Nick, honestly and please excuse my language but Jack is a fucking asshole. He’s a prick and he’s full of shit. He needs to have an enema forcibly inserted but the problem is, I don’t think they make enemas large enough to do the job required.”

 

Nick burst into laughter and when he finally pulled himself together, he responded, “I can see you haven’t changed in the last three years and that you can still make me laugh, Michelle.”

 

“Whatever I can do to keep the world smiling, Nick. In truth though, my remark was said in all seriousness.”

 

“Of that I have no doubt,” Nick said and added, “So I’m guessing Eric has fully updated you on our conversation last night?”

 

“On everything Nick and everything is fine. My lips are sealed,” she said sincerely.

 

“Thank you, Michelle.”

 

Michelle said with a dismissively light-hearted laugh, “Nothing to thank me for, Nick. So I assume you’d like to speak to the lord of the realm?”

 

“If it’s possible and if I’m not interrupting anything?” Nick replied.

 

“Absolutely not, Nick. In fact, anything that will shift his ass away from that fucking game console,” she said amused but serious and Nick laughed again. “Just hold on for a moment, Nick. It was nice to talk with you and I hope we see each other soon.”

 

“It was great to talk with you again also and I’ll make it my business to see to it that we catch up very soon,” Nick replied sincerely.

 

“Great, I’ll look forward to it. Bye, Nick.”

 

“Bye Michelle,” Nick said and he smiled at how she made him feel.

 

Nick thought that Michelle was a unique woman. He did not know why she made him think that about her exactly, she just had an effect on him. They had only spoken briefly, twice now but still there was something about her. The first time, he thought as she departed their conversation, she would be easy to be friends with. She was nice and seemed genuine and she gave him a good feeling that remained. Now, for the second time, it was the same. He wondered if she would always make him feel that way.

 

As Nick waited for Eric to come to the phone, he looked out the window at the fading light. Not only had the sun now set but also, he could see a very thick mass of cumulous cloud that was rolling heavily up from the south. It was dark cloud and looked like storm clouds but he was not certain if a storm was in store.

 

Eric asked as he came on the line, “Nick, buddy, how are you today?”

 

“All the better after certain experiences last night, Eric. My jaw is feeling an unusual strain.”

 

Eric asked followed by a laugh, “Well how do you think mine is feeling then? Honestly, Nick, do the words long and thick mean anything to you at all?”

 

Nick said followed by a chuckle, “More so now since I met you, Eric. What do you call that? A Collins class submarine?”

 

“Well if that’s the case then you must be captaining a series two model because as we discovered for certain last night, hard or soft you are just that little bit bigger and better,” Eric replied and they both cackled with amusement.

 

“Maybe a little bigger Eric but I don’t know about better,” Nick replied.

 

Eric said in an amusingly manipulative fashion, “It was better than any slab I’ve ever had before. Seriously Nick, you have to share that with your friend again; otherwise I’ll consider you a very selfish man. You’re not a selfish man, are you, Nick?”

 

“You’re incorrigible, Eric,” Nick replied and laughed again.

 

Directing them to the point, Eric asked, “So what’s up, my friend?”

 

“Eric, something has happened or at least I think it has and I’m not sure if I’m delusional or just a blind man who suddenly received his sight. I need to talk to someone and you said last night…”

 

“Absolutely, Nick, no further words needed,” Eric said stopping Nick mid sentence. “Tell me what’s happening?”

 

“Well, three months ago I had a new neighbor move in. His name is Billy, he’s twenty-four and he is in the top two of the people I like most in the world,” Nick said.

 

“Very diplomatic, Nick,” Eric replied.

 

“Perhaps but very true nonetheless. The guy has been friendly since we met and he is really considerate and really funny and a pleasure to be around. He brings me my mail and paper, he offers to pick up stuff from the store for me and the other night when I had the altercation with the oak tree, Billy helped me and looked after me. He also wouldn’t leave me until he was certain I’d be okay. I’ve never experienced such a rare friend in my life, not that I’ve had many. Please don’t take that as a comparison Eric because you’re very different.”

 

“Nick, I don’t. You don’t need to worry or justify. Everything you said made it clear to me last night. I know how important I am to you as a friend and I feel the same way toward you.”

 

Nick breathed with relief and said, “Thanks, Eric. Anyway, I thought he might just be a good friend and then on Saturday night it was intensified. I don’t know why but there’s always this unusual connection between us. It always makes me think of this wish I’ve had since I was a boy. You see I always wanted a brother and there’s something about Billy and the way we are when we’re together that makes me think of that. It’s as if he’s less a friend and more like the brother I always wanted.”

 

Eric snorted in amusement. Even though he believed Nick had always wanted a brother, he also understood the tendency of gay and bi men, to imagine roles in a type of projection onto desired partners. It could be the brother, the father, the sportsman or whatever but Eric assumed Nick’s life and sexuality was the cause of the specific choice. He instantly noticed the silence on the other end of the line and he guessed he had upset Nick with his amused reaction. Rather than explaining or apologizing, he simply got straight to the necessary point.

 

“Nick, this guy, Billy, is interested in you and who could blame him,” he said.

 

“Why would you say that or even think that, Eric?”

 

“Nick, obviously something has happened today but before we get to it, you need to understand that guys don’t do things like mail and papers or shopping out of friendship. Maybe some would, occasionally, out of the goodness of their hearts but as a general rule, a guy that does that for another guy, well Nick, fundamentally he wants to suck your cock and what a remarkable surprise he’s in for,” Eric said before bursting into laughter again.

 

Nick was getting pissed off with Eric for turning everything into a joke but more importantly, he was amazed at the place Eric had gone with the conversation. He had yet to tell him how he suddenly felt about Billy or that he was now dismissing it because he believed Billy was straight.

 

“Maybe Billy’s just a nice guy, Eric? He’s always so good to me and I don’t want to ruin what might be a great friendship by dragging my sexuality into the equation. I may have never seen him with a girl but I’ve also never seen him with a guy. He could be straight and you might be wrong?”

 

“Okay, Nick, you’re right,” he said followed by an unconvinced sigh, “I might be wrong and he might be the perfect friend but I still sincerely doubt it. He may or may not be gay and don’t rule out my persuasion either. Let me tell you this, though. If you don’t come to a conclusion about this, your uncertainty will interfere with the possible friendship and it will contaminate the honesty, trust and easy feelings you have become accustomed to with Billy. You need to know for certain and don’t forget that he needs to know about you as well. Both sides are important but tell me, what happened to bring all of this to light?”

 

Even though Eric was being his usual self and also trying to be rational and honest with Nick, in some place deep within him, he did not like what he was hearing. Eric was silently begging that this was not what he was expecting it was going to be. When Michelle had told him Nick was on the phone, Eric was so aware of his smile and the increased beating of his heart, he practically wanted to jump into his car and drive over to Nick’s apartment. For the entire day, Nick had consumed his thoughts more than any other consideration and right at the moment, he wanted to tell Nick he loved him.

 

“It started out as nothing in particular, Eric. It was just that we spent some time together this afternoon while I was washing my car. As always, it was so damned easy and comfortable and then it turned into fun. I just love being with him and he puts me into a great frame of mind every time we’re together. We got into a bit of horseplay and when he finally left me and went inside, I suddenly realized I had feelings for him and felt lost without him there. I didn’t even realize the extent of how I felt about him until that moment and it made no sense to me. I mean how can someone be more important to you than you realize. It was weird and by the time I came inside, which was probably thirty minutes or so later, I just felt like a piece of me was on the other side of the wall.”

 

“I hate him already,” Eric said.

 

It was completely incongruous and at odds with his decision, however, Eric wanted to be the only man Nick needed. He wanted to be the only man in Nick’s life. He knew how selfish it was because he knew he was not what Nick needed. Unfortunately, talk of Billy made Eric’s love for Nick feel pointless and the target of that love was now asking him to give advice about a prospective partner. For the first time in Eric’s life he felt jealous.

 

Nick was stunned by the remark and he said, “What? Why?”

 

Eric regretted what he had said immediately and so he replied, “I’m joking, Nick. Look, first you need to understand that love and feelings for people don’t always come with flashing neon signs. Love at first sight actually can happen in spite of what other people might tell you. Michelle is proof of the concept for me and so I know it’s true. However, sometimes people can be oblivious until it slaps them in the face and sometimes people can even miss its existence completely. There are no certainties to love or what the human heart is capable of.

 

“Secondly, even though you’re only just now becoming aware of your feelings, it sounds to me like you’ve obviously got it bad for this guy. Stop looking at him like a friend and start looking at him like a prospective partner. Once you make that shift to your consciousness, I guarantee your confusion and uncertainty will go hurtling out the window. Then you should know how you really feel. I suspect you’re falling in love with this guy and probably have been for quite some time. The thing is, you’ve been so caught up with all the shit you’ve been dealing with and trying to sort out, you haven’t given yourself the space to recognize what was developing between the two of you.”

 

Nick heard nothing of the end of what Eric said. The words, “in love,” in regard to Billy, had completely derailed his hearing. It was the last thing that Nick had expected Eric to say and so he said, “What? What are you talking about?”

 

“Exactly what I said, Nick. Look, you’ve been dealing with years of personal deprivation and I’m not talking specifically about sex. Nick, you’ve been closed off for so long and essentially you’ve only just started to open up in recent times. To be honest, with everything you’ve been dealing with and trying to sort out, I suspect you wouldn’t recognize a possible opportunity for a relationship if you tripped over it. Do you understand?”

 

“Yeah, I do,” he replied.

 

“Nick, I wouldn’t be surprised if Billy already feels that way about you. I’m sure it’s why he does the things he does for you. Of course it could be lust and infatuation and he just wants you to fuck him but he could also be in love with you. I can understand that and I think anyone would probably agree with me and could understand him falling for you in one way or another. Nick, the basis of what I’m saying, I believe is true. Again Nick, you have to find out if you don’t want to lose him, no matter what type of relationship that you could eventually have with Billy.

 

“Another thing that you have to take into account is that being as closed off as you’ve been, if Billy is gay and is interested in you, he would probably think you’re straight. I mean even I thought you were straight until you said the words last night. You don’t put out any signals to the contrary, so I suspect he wouldn’t even think that you’re gay. If he’s gay and interested in you, he probably thinks he doesn’t have a chance in hell and if all of that were true, you need to make yourself available.”

 

“How do I do that? How do I find out? I can’t just knock on his door and say, ‘Hey Billy, are you by any chance gay because I have feelings for you?’ I mean that could destroy everything,” Nick said.

 

“Well actually Nick, to be perfectly honest, you could do exactly that and I’m guessing if you did, you’d be confronted by a hungry smile. However, as I know that’s not the course of action you’d be willing to take, particularly because you’d be afraid of possible negative consequences, I would suggest that you try to spend more time with him. Nick, invite him over for a coffee or a neighborly chat. Go to his door and tell him you just wanted to pop in to see how he was. Don’t leave too much time between visits and see how he starts to react to you. It also wouldn’t go astray if you were shirtless as much as possible while you’re around him. Also, be sure to watch for the customary bulge in his shorts that you’d induce,” Eric said, laughing once again.

 

“Stop it, Eric. Stop suggesting I’m some sort of supermodel or something. I’m just an average guy,” Nick said with frustration.

 

“Fuck, Nick, go and take a serious look at yourself in the mirror. Maybe you want to be considered an average guy but that’s never going to happen. There’s nothing whatsoever that is average about your face or your body or your cock and there’s certainly nothing average about you as a man or as a person. From my perspective and I would guess most people’s who come into contact with you, you’re one hell of a unique package - Shit, Chelle?”

 

“Sorry, Nick, it’s Michelle. I’m in the room and I’ve been listening to this conversation, well, at least one side of it but regardless, I’m sure I’ve got the gist of it and I had to tell you that Eric’s correct. Nick, I’ve seen you, I’ve talked to you and after everything I’ve learned about you today, I’ve also realized you are indeed a surprising package. Nick, you’re a very handsome man and you have a great body. You also have a very attractive personality and nature. You need for your own self-confidence to begin to see yourself for who you are. Trust us both, we’re telling you how it is. Here’s Eric.” Michelle said and Nick’s mouth hung open as he stared ahead vacantly, stunned.

 

“Sorry about that interruption Nick but I’m glad that Michelle snatched the phone from me and said what she said. I understand the effect your life has had on you but things are different now and you need to begin to open your eyes to the way both you and life really are.”

 

Nick felt uncomfortable but it was hard to argue with two different people saying the same thing when he had no alternative argument that held any basis in reasoned fact. It may have disturbed him that he was considered in a way that was so far beyond his self-portrait, which was not what would be considered a high self-esteem but he trusted these people and he saw no reason that they would be lying to him. It also made him feel very good about himself. He was fundamentally dumbstruck but knowing he needed to reply, Nick simply said thank you to both of them via Eric.

 

“Look Nick, you may have had a shitty life and you may have been screwed to more walls than you should have been. I’m also guessing the psychological affects of all of that can’t have given you a great world view, let alone a personal perspective of deservedness based on people being taken from you. However, the truth is life sucks, shit happens and you have to take control of your own life and mold it into what you want it to be. The thing is, it starts with the creation of the self. You, in my opinion are an outstanding man. Don’t think I’m blowing smoke up your ass because I’m not, although, if you want me to…”

 

“Be serious, Eric,” Michelle chastised loudly from somewhere nearby.

 

“Sorry, Nick. The point is, other people will view your lack of self-awareness as false humility. If you’re hot, it isn’t a good idea to run around saying you’re hot but it’s also not a good idea to say you’re average because that would mean the average are below average. I know that none of this is your intent but Nick, you’re incredibly fucking hot and trust me, it’s not just me who will think that. You need to see, hear and become aware of other people but you also need to get over all that insecurity you’re carrying around with you because the outfit doesn’t suit the body.”

 

“Eric, enough, I get it. I understand what you’re trying to tell me. It isn’t that I don’t know that I’m an attractive guy but I honestly don’t see myself like you do. Still, I’ll take what you’ve said on board and I appreciate what you’re trying to do,” Nick said.

 

“Well then, getting back to your friend Billy, do the things I said and in those times, watch and listen and learn. The truth will always be standing visible amidst the general. You just have to learn to decipher it but Nick, trust me, Billy thinks more of you than just a friend,” Eric said, knowing he had done the right thing but hating that he had done it at all.

 

“Thanks, Eric. I appreciate your taking this time for me,” Nick said, his tone filled with sincerity.

 

“As I said yesterday, Nick, always. All you have to do is call. I’m your friend,” Eric replied.

 

Nick was silenced emotionally but his face beamed happily and after an extended quiet, Eric spoke again, saying, “I don’t think there is anymore that needs to be said, do you?”

 

“If you’re right then no, Eric. I can’t say I believe it completely but I trust you and so I guess I’ll have to take it from here and follow the suggestions you’ve given me. As usual buddy, you’ve worked your magic, although this time you didn’t make me blow,” Nick said teasingly, as he changed the whole tone of the conversation and then laughed.

 

“I was wrong, Nick. You have no redeeming qualities and you’re not a nice man or my friend,” Eric replied.

 

“What if I want to fuck you, Eric?”

 

“Nick, I’m not certain I like that I got you to talk more freely but I guess certain allowances will be made under certain circumstances,” Eric said.

 

“I think I now understand the phrase you used last night, Eric.”

 

Curious, Eric asked, “Which phrase?”

 

“Cock whore,” Nick said, incapable of stopping his following laughter.

 

“You, Nick, learn far too quickly for my liking and I think the point and the necessity of this phone call is now in the past. On that note, I will say good luck with the boy next door type and I’m going back to my game,” Eric said with a semi irritated, semi joking tone of voice.

 

Nick asked with a pointed snicker, “Is your game a fantasy as well?”

 

Firing back, Eric replied, “Only in that I can shoot any man that is a smartass.”

 

Amused but changing the subject, Nick said, “Thanks, Eric, I’ll give you a call soon and by the way, have a chat with Michelle and see how she feels about dinner next Saturday.”

 

Eric smiled and said, “You got it, sounds great.”

 

“Bye, Eric.”

 

“Later, Nick.”

 

Nick stared out the window at the approaching darkness that was overtaking the outside surroundings. He reached and switched on the bedside lamp but then suddenly he considered his suggestion of dinner with Eric and Michelle on Saturday.

 

Thinking out loud, Nick said, “Holy shit. What sort of a fucking idiot are you? You can’t cook for shit without burning something and if you go to a restaurant you’ll probably make a fool of yourself. Shit, why don’t you think before you speak?”

 

Nick shook his head but then he decided he would talk to Eric again later in the week and explain. No doubt Eric would understand and maybe offer an alternative solution. He breathed relieved and then thought about what Eric had suggested to him about seeing Billy. It sounded like a reasonable idea to him but it also made him feel a little nervous and so he decided he would go and see Billy the following afternoon. He adjusted his position on the bed, lay back on both pillows and as he stared out the window, he wondered if Eric was right about Billy loving him. He felt a warm feeling in his chest and he smiled.

 

To be continued...