The Professor and Sean I
By: Scotty
(Copyright 2006 by the author)
 

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 44

[Ryan narrates].

We ate a quiet dinner discussing our shopping and our preparation for Christmas. I sensed that Sean wanted to tell me something. I also wanted to tell him about meeting Angela and Dominic Stefanno. There was an air about our lack of conversation that told of our hesitancy in talking about what was really on our mind.

"I should go wrap some presents. And I need to get the last of them out of the car," he told me.

I nodded my head, but didn't speak. He looked at me with wonder in his eyes. He started to get up and then turned and faced me. He was strangely nervous which was unlike him. He walked to me and took my hand, and said,

"Ryan, I have something to ask you. I'm afraid it might upset you, so please, don't get too angry."

"Sean, what do you mean? What could get me angry with you? I love you. For heaven's sake, just ask me."

"It's about what I would like to do Christmas eve," he said, sitting beside me on the sofa.

"Yes?"

"I want you to come to Midnight Mass with me."

"Yes, so why wouldn't I want to join you in that Christmas celebration. Of course I will go with you, silly boy," I told him.

He sat beside me on the sofa and did not respond immediately. He looked at his feet and then out the windows toward the darkening campus and town. He cleared his throat, and I began to wonder what the real question was that he wanted to ask me. He leaned in and kissed me gently. I said nothing. He took my hand and asked in a whisper so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes,

"My husband, my lover, will you go to Confession and Communion with me? Can you return to our God?" he asked.

Inside I was in a fury, but I knew that I couldn't let him see that aspect of myself at this moment. I knew where he had gotten that idea, and I was intent on telling my mom and dad not to send Sean on a fool's errand, that I was a man who knew his own mind. I felt that God had cast me aside, had not listened to my prayers, had taken Kevin from me, had made me suffer loneliness for years. How could I return to that? How could I learn to love that God again? From the look on Sean's face I knew that he was frightened that I might explode, but I willed myself to stay as calm as possible. His voice broke the silence.

"Hon, I'm sorry that I asked you this. It's none of my business in one way, but in another, it's very important to me. God has been so good to us. He brought us together. He saved us both from tragedy. He needs our thanks. I don't make a spectacle of it, but each night, after we express our love to each other and before I fall asleep, I always say my prayers asking our Heavenly Father and Christ Jesus to watch over you, Mom and Dad, Aunt Emily, and our many friends to keep everyone safe and healthy and to grant us longevity. I always end by asking that I be forgiven for whatever sins I committed and my shortcomings that day. I close by thanking God for another day with you. I want you on speaking terms with God, Ry. I love you, and you love me. Can't we love God together? I'll say no more to you about this as you must decide for yourself what to do. I'll go wrap some presents now," he told me.

What he had said to me was so true, so honest, so sincere. I was an emotional wreck and I had a lump in my throat that prevented me from responding. As he rose and was beginning to leave the room, I was able to utter one word.

"Wait!" I croaked. He stopped and looked at me. By now tears were streaking my cheeks but I had some semblance of control. He pulled me to my feet and drew me to him, surrounding my upper body with his arms, his lips near my ear. He kissed my ear and whispered to me,

"Hon, I never meant this to be painful for you. There's no need to discuss this any further. I'm so sorry, Hon. I really am. I overstepped the bounds that make a happy marriage. You have a right to your personal life with God. Forgive me, please."

I hugged him tightly, not wanting to let him move away from me. I gulped, and held in what would have been a huge sob.

"Don't leave me. I need you now, Baby. You have made me face something I have avoided for a long time. I was so angry with God that I forgot all the good things He has done for me and you and the family. I felt so much anger that He didn't answer my prayers about bringing Kevin back. And then I was desolate and angry and lonely for so long."

He kissed me gently on the cheek, still holding me tightly. I was now crying softly, mostly out of guilt and remorse. I realized that God had brought Sean to me, that He saved him after the attack, that He allowed us so much happiness. My heart was filled with shame, and I dared not look into my lover's eyes.

"That was a terrible time for you, Hon. It was how I felt after my mom and dad were killed and I had to live with my uncle and aunt. Remember, Ry, I had the loving understanding of Father O'Rourke who kept me on an even keel. He never allowed me to hate God. He helped me to understand that God didn't kill my parents, but that an accident did. When I finally accepted that truth, my life became more bearable. So, Hon, I do understand, maybe just a little, how despondent you felt, how alone you felt, how cast away you felt, and especially how angry you felt toward God and everyone else. Just remember, Ry, that same God who you felt had abandoned you, blessed our union. Ry, I love you completely with heart and soul, but you need to make your own peace with God. I have made mine," he said gently but firmly.

I clung to him still ashamed to look him in the eye. Finally, I drew myself up and stared into those beautiful, forgiving eyes. Here standing with me at this moment in time was a man of such grace and intelligence, that I wondered again about my worthiness to be with him. He was stroking my head and back, and the beginnings of a smile crossed his lips. He waited. I would not let him out of our embrace, but I did speak,

"Sean Kelly, you have done something for me for which I will never be able to repay you. I will make my peace with God because I recognize now that God didn't hate me. I guess I now understand that he may have had a plan. That plan included you, my love, and if I had stayed with Kevin, we might not ever had known what true love is like. I will go to confession and communion with you. I need God back in my life. I have only used God when it was convenient. He did answer my prayers when I asked that He not take you from me. How could I forget that? I'm ashamed. I'm mortified. I need God's forgiveness for my sinful behavior. Sean, you just earned your wings or another halo because you certainly have saved my old bruised and tattered soul. Thank you, and God bless you," I told him, my voice charged with emotion. Without a private conversation with my God, I felt reborn in the sense that I no longer had hate in my heart for anyone.

********

I called my mom and dad after my emotional talk with Sean. I told them that we had talked and that I was serious about not only going to Midnight Mass but also to confession and communion. My mom was crying softly and Dad spoke to me in an emotion-filled voice about the happiness this decision had given him and Mom. He went on to tell me that they both knew that if they confided in Sean who they knew I loved so deeply and exclusively, that I would listen to him. They believed I would acquiesce to his wishes.

"Mom, Dad, he was so gentle so loving, so concerned about me and my relationship with God. He told me things about myself that were true. He reminded me about how wonderful God had been to the two of us. He shared with me again how Father O'Rourke had helped him through the terrible time of his parents' deaths. Dad, he truly understood some of the feelings I had that I have never shared with any other human being. It was like he had a way to look into my soul. Mom, he surprises me every day. He is filled with love and caring. His spirit shines through and makes you glad to be alive. Mom and Dad, I love him so much, so much..." and I was struggling not to weep again, but it was difficult.

Dad came to my rescue with his strong fatherly voice. "Of course you love him, Son. How could you not? From the moment we met him, your mother and I loved him. And you're right, Ry. He does have a level of understanding and caring that amazes us. It is probably a sensitivity that was born of his young tragedy-filled life. Whatever may have contributed to it, he is a wonderful and loving man. You are lucky to have him as your life partner and we are fortunate to have him as a son."

My mother was ready to talk now. "Ryan, I am so happy that you are on your way to making your peace with God. Love that young man of yours. He is special, Ry, and he loves you so completely. Just keep loving him; he needs your love as much as you need his love. Keep him close, Ryan. Keep him close."

The emotional part of our conversation over, we discussed our coming trip to Florida. My folks understood from their conversation with Sean that we had not yet decided on what we wanted to do. They both told me in definite terms that one thing I needed to do was to rest, at least for a couple of days. I smiled to myself as I listened because I already knew that Sean wanted me to get some rest. He had told them that already and they were simply building on his plan to have me to himself for a couple of days where we could enjoy the sun and each other, away from the stress of our life at State. I finished the call with an assurance that we would call them on Christmas day. That done, we said goodbye and hung up.

During the conversation, I was aware that Sean had made a couple of trips out to his car and had returned with packages and bags. Presently he was in the study. I called out to him,

"Baby, can I come in and talk with you?"

"No, not yet. Let me come out there and then I won't have to hide everything," he told me.

"Okay, I'll be patient until you get here," I said.

A somewhat flustered Sean came out of the study and looked at me with concern on his face. He hugged me tightly and said,

"I don't know if I can get this all done, Hon. There's so much stuff to wrap, and I'm not very good at it. Leave it to me to screw up our first Christmas together."

"Relax, you don't have to wrap my stuff. I'm a big boy now," I said lightly, hoping to make him feel better.

"What are you talking about, Ry? Of course, I have to wrap your gifts. I will figure out a way to get it done. And no you can't help me, so forget that idea. It's just at the moment, I'm a little overwhelmed. I'll get it done," he said as he moved to me and hugged me.

"What did Mom and Dad have to say?" he asked.

"Not too much. Oh, yes. They think you are wonderful and they love you deeply and I am lucky to have you and that I had better love you a lot or else and they can't wait to see us. I think they are more interested in seeing you, Baby."

"Crap! They love you so much, Ry. They want only the best for you. Thank God they think I am good for you. I love them a lot. Mom upset me this morning talking about being older and not knowing how much longer..."

"I don't want to talk about that, Baby. It makes me sad."

"Yeah, I know. It saddens me, too. Were they pleased about your decisions about church and reconciliation with God?"

"Absolutely. And you my sweet lover got all the praise. It came from them and from me. Thanks again, Baby, for helping me to see the light. Now about those presents. I have an idea. How about calling Cathy and Janet and asking them for some help?"

"That might work. Let me think about it," he said quietly.

A piece of brilliant red ribbon was hanging askance on his shoulder. I lifted it a little so that he could see it. With a gentle laugh, I told him,

"I see you are wrapping up the gift I most want for Christmas. You. I won't need anything else." He pulled the ribbon from his shoulder and tied it around my neck in a casual necktie and told me,

"That's two of us, Hon. Now you are wrapped up as my ultimate Christmas gift. I won't need anything else."

We laughed happily together. I began shutting off the lights as we made our way to the bedroom. There we undressed enjoying our striptease before using the bathroom for relief before bed and for brushing our teeth. Our quick communal shower came close to overt sexual play, but we contained ourselves, hoarding our lovemaking for the marriage bed. Soon we were naked lying on the bed next to each other. We were on our sides looking at each other, smiling.

"So, what do you want to do?" I asked him in a playful tone.

Sean laughed and answered. "Maybe we could each lick our favorite thing."

That was what we started with, but our lovemaking increased in intensity and in quality until we had both reached new heights in our orgasms. After the ultimate expression of our love for each other, we moved into a perfect spooning position, my naked body tight against the back of my lover.

Sleep and peace of mind came quickly. Tonight I thanked God for Sean and I prayed for all those in my life whom I loved. Finally I asked God to forgive me for being such a foolish man. He must have heard me because I fell asleep immediately after hearing the regular breathing of my lover.

What would tomorrow bring?

********

[Ryan narrates].

When I awoke the next morning it was later than I had planned to sleep. I slipped out of bed and took a quick shower. I dressed casually and went to the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee. When I left the bedroom, Sean was still sleeping soundly; as usual his beauty took my breath away. I had a glass of juice, and poured myself a cup of coffee. I was trying to decide what to fix for breakfast when a sleepy-faced Sean stumbled into the kitchen. He came to me and planted a kiss on my lips and hugged me briefly.

"Why didn't you wake me up, Hon? he yawned.

"You were too good to look at, Babe. You looked too peaceful. What would you like for breakfast?" I asked him.

With another yawn, he told me, "How about some eggs, and maybe bacon or sausage or both. And pancakes, you know I like pancakes. You know me, Hon. Anything you get ready will be fine. I'm taking a quick shower," he said as he hugged me again and was off to the bedroom and bathroom. I sighed, not knowing why. It was just one of those funny things that happen and you really don't know why.

Before long the kitchen was filled with the aroma of cooking bacon and sausage as they sizzled in the fry pan. I got out the eggs, trying to decide how many to prepare. I laughed a little to myself knowing that Sean would eat all that I cooked. I had purchased some blueberry muffins from the bakery the night before and I got them out and put them in a basket on the counter. I decided that scrambled eggs would hit the spot, and I broke eight eggs into a bowl, added some half and half and a dash of salt and a grind or two of black pepper. In another bowl I prepared the pancake batter and got the Vermont maple syrup out of the refrigerator. I turned the stove on under the griddle, then I beat the eggs with a dinner fork until they were almost frothy and ready to scramble. I put some bread in the toaster and began to make pancakes. I placed them on a heated plate and put them into a warm oven. Before Sean came back to the kitchen, the pancakes were finished, the sausage and bacon were ready and all I had to do was scramble the eggs. I got my favorite frypan out and put some butter in it, turned on the heat and waited until the pan was hot. Sean came into the kitchen and as he did, I pushed down the bread in the toaster, beat the eggs again, and poured them into the fry pan. Using a wooden scraper, I quickly cooked the eggs to the soft stage, removed them from the heat knowing they would finish cooking on their own.

"I hope you're hungry, Baby."

He smiled at me and told me, "Don't worry, I promise nothing will go to waste." He filled a glass with orange juice, quickly drank it and refilled the glass. By that time, I had all the hot food on the counter and we began to eat. Even the toast were hot. Between bites, Sean began to talk,

"I am going to call Cathy and Janet and see if they can help me for an hour. That would take the pressure off. You gonna eat any more eggs, Hon?"

"No."

As he put the rest of the eggs on his plate along with the remainder of the bacon and sausage, he continued,

"I hope you like my big present, Hon. I tried hard to get it, and I finally had to ask Dan to help me. He did. I like him, Ry. I like Craig, too, but not the way I like Dan. I don't know why. I really do if I am honest. I think Craig came on too strongly to me. I was uncomfortable. What are you going to be doing today?"

"Well, let's see. I want to get everything for Christmas dinner and then for dinner with Rog, Greg, Cathy and Janet. There are some things I want for Christmas eve, too. And then some silly errands - I have to get some stuff for your stocking."

"I already have your stocking stuff. It was fun finding things for the stocking. I am getting excited, Ry. Christmas eve is just two days away. Do you realize how wonderful this is going to be for me having Christmas with the person I most love in the whole world. It's my first Christmas, really. I am so lucky to have you. How about a kiss to seal the deal. Christmas together alone, I mean," he said with his usual giggle.

I went to him and took him in my arms and kissed him with love. He sighed deeply, and I suddenly knew why I had sighed so deeply earlier. It was contentment, happiness, joy, too. I was with my lover, enjoying the routine of preparing breakfast and getting ready for the day. It was so normal and yet it was so wonderful. I told him,

"As an old song says, 'I love you a bushel and a peck.'"

"Well. sweet Ry, I love you a ton," he laughed. I joined him in the happiness of the moment.

"Are you going to call Cathy and Janet?"

"Yes, right now. By the way, Ry, have I told you lately that I love you? Because I should tell you all the time. Am I a dufus?"

"No, you are my husband and lover. Let's always be happy like we are right now. You know, Sean, you make me happy just by being you."

"Really? I thought it might be some other attribute that attracted you to me. Not sure what that might be," he said with a full-bodied laugh.

"That, too, Lover. That, too."

Sean smiled appreciatively at me, kissed me on the cheek, and told me,

"I'm off to call Cathy and Janet, Hon. I'll be back to help you clean up the breakfast dishes, and while I think of it, I am going to sort the dirty clothes and put a load in the washer."

"Wow! You must be in a hyper state of mind. If you do all that, I won't have anything to do," I laughed.

"What do you mean, Ry? You can change the bed linens, make the bed, and fun, fun, you can dust and vacuum. That should keep you busy," he told me as he smiled that wonderful smile.

I reached out and grabbed him and began to tickle him. He managed to drag me into the living room, but I got the best of him there and we were suddenly on the floor, rolling about and laughing. Sean finally got on top of me and stopped everything and looked at me with the most loving stare. He leaned in to me and kissed me as gently as a butterfly landing on a blossom. My heart melted. He sat on my midsection, and spoke. It was short, simple and moving.

"I love you." he said his eyes shining with emotion.

"As God is my witness, Baby, I love you, too."

Sean got off from my body, I suspect because he knew as I did that to go further would lead us to lovemaking that we both wanted to save for a better time.

"I have to call Cathy and Janet. I'll take care of the laundry, too."

"Sure, and I will be slaving in the kitchen and bedroom. I will think of someway to make you pay," I told him as I smiled.

Sean left to go to the study to call, and I returned to the kitchen and began to pick up. I was happy.

********

[Sean narrates].

After our little tumble in the living room, I went directly to the study and dialed Cathy's number. The phone rang three times before I heard the click of the receiver being lifted.

"Hello," Cathy said.

"Hi, Cathy, this is Sean. Could I talk with you for a minute or two?"

"Of course, Sean. There's no need to ask? How's Ryan?"

"Oh, he's fine. He's about to do some housework. After I finish talking with you, I have laundry to do. Anyway, I need to ask you and Janet a big favor."

"Well, get to it, Sean. What's the problem?"

"I made a mistake yesterday. See, I bought all these presents for Ry for Christmas, but I didn't have them wrapped at the various stores. So the problem is, I have all these gifts to wrap and I really don't know what I am doing. I wondered if you and Janet could drop over for an hour or so and help me get things under control. I know it's a big imposition, but I don't know what else to do. Ry will be gone for a couple of hours for some last minute shopping, so we wouldn't have to worry about him being in the way trying to sneak peaks at his gifts," I told Cathy.

"Sure, we have everything under control here. Just hold a minute while I ask Janet. She may have something else planned that I don't know about. Be right back."

There was silence while I waited for Cathy to return to the phone. I could hear Ry humming in the kitchen, but I wasn't able to tell what the melody was. I supposed it was a Christmas song. My reverie was broken by Cathy.

"Janet says fine with her. Let's see, it almost nine thirty. How about we drop over at about ten thirty. Will that work for you?"

"Cathy, that would be wonderful, and plan to stay for lunch."

"We'll see about lunch. Do you need anything, gift wrap, ribbon, anything at all?

"No, I have everything. Please plan to stay for lunch. Ry will want to be home by then to have lunch with us. Please?"

"Okay. We'll be there to rescue you at ten thirty. Love you two. Bye."

"Bye, please say hi and thank you to Janet."

"Will do." and the line went silent. I hung up the phone, hurried to the bathroom and got the dirty clothes from the hampers and sorted them. As I was about to pass through the bedroom, I as hit by a pile of linens from the bed. Ry stood near the bed smiling like the proverbial Cheshire cat. I had been stopped in my tracks. I glared at him for a nanosecond and then burst out laughing. He said to me,

"I just wanted to be sure that the washer woman got all the dirty bedclothes. Frankly, they smell of sex."

"Look, upstairs maid, if these bed clothes smell of sex, it has much to do with your amorous ways. You simply overpower me and I give in to your superior love making skills. I am young and innocent," I said.

"Young you certainly are, but innocent; I think not, my lover. And, frankly, I am glad you are not too innocent. I would like to throw you on the bed and have my way with you. What do you think of that?"

"Lordy, lordy, the upstairs maid is horny as usual. Well, you'll have to hold your balls tightly until later. Cathy and Janet are coming over at ten thirty and are staying for lunch. So get you're business done so you can join us for lunch. If you have any great ideas about lunch that would be helpful, too."

"I'll be here for lunch, let's say twelve thirty. And don't worry, my love, I will have lunch planned. Now get the laundry done while I make up the bed."

"Okay, okay!" I said as I left the bedroom to take the clothes to the laundry and begin my work.

What a wonderful day this was turning into. I was happy.

********

[Ryan narrates].

I went about making the bed, thinking as I did, how wonderful it was to be in love and to be loved. Sean had make my life wonderful and I paused for a moment to thank God for that. My view of God had changed in the last day. I realized now that you couldn't use God just in emergencies. You had to forge a relationship with God if it was to mean anything. I knew now how right Sean had been. I needed to make my peace with my God. I pondered what I might say to the confessor later that day or the next. How could I explain my lack of faith and that I only spoke to God when I wanted something from him? For some reason, known only to God, He had answered my most anguished prayers when I asked him to send Sean back to me. He had answered that prayer, and I had forgotten or had intentionally pushed it into my subconscious so that I would not have to deal with my relationship to God.

I thought of how much love I had gotten in the last few months. I had Sean, I loved him completely and without reservation. In the truest sense of the word, he had saved me by loving me. A single tear ran down my face as I recalled with embarrassment all those months before I met Sean, when I didn't want God near me. I had been a fool and it had taken the man I love above all others to put me straight. Again I wondered at the level of his understanding, of his love. I thanked God right then for Sean.

"You look silly holding the end of the sheet and staring into space. Are you okay, Hon? he asked me.

"I am now, Baby. I was just thinking about a number of things, but mainly about getting my relationship straightened out with God. And I thought a lot about you and how you saved me and how your love restored me. You made me whole again, Sean. So, I thanked God for you and I thought about what I would say in confession when we go. I have a lot to apologize about; I have been a fool in many things, but not in loving you."

"Ryan Taylor, enough of this for now. I am happy today and so are you. Confession will take care of itself. When you need to, you will confess what needs to be confessed. You are such a fine man, a caring and loving man, you certainly can't have much to confess. Our love is not an issue. Forget it for the moment, Hon. I'll help you finish the bed, okay?" he said.

He reached for and picked up the other end of the sheet. When he had it in his grasp, I pulled quickly and he was pulled onto the bed. I fell atop him and began to kiss him passionately and tickling him a little. He was giggling and squirming on the bed. He wrapped his arms and legs around me as we continued to kiss. I had stopped tickling him.

"Ry, we have to stop this even though I don't want to. The gals are coming over, you have things to do, and I certainly have a great deal to do, and...,"he tried to continue.

"Shssh! Listen to me, Sean. I am so happy at this moment, so filled with love and strong emotions. I don't want this moment to pass away. I want us always to be this happy, this content. I love you, Baby. I love you so much I almost can't stand it. It isn't sex I'm talking about, Baby, it's love. Oh, don't get me wrong, the sex is tremendous and I don't want it to stop. But, Sean, all I have to do is be in the same room with you and I am happy, contented, filled with joy. That's love. I love you so much, so deeply that sometimes it frightens me. I can't explain why, but it does. One more kiss, please," I said.

He kissed me tenderly and then whispered in my ear,

"Ry, I know how you feel because I feel the same way. I think we get frightened sometimes because he can't imagine life without each other. That's what scares us. Let's just love each other and enjoy our first Christmas together. Come on, Hon, let's get this bed made so we can mess it up tonight," he told me with a giggle.

"Absolutely, Baby, I want to mess up the bed tonight, so I will make it now. You know, Sean, you always seem to find a way to make me feel better about myself. You're great, do you know that?"

"Sure I know. I am Superman, Spiderman, the Hulk and any numbers of other heroes who save everyone and everything from the bad guys. Not likely! I am just a young guy who is madly in love with a wonderful man and it just happens that once in a while I am lucky enough to say the right thing. Just remember, Hon, sometimes I am just a craphead."

The bed finished, we picked up the bedroom, put some clothes away, straightened our dressers, and left, Sean to his laundry and me on my errand of love.

Christmas would be wonderful.

To be continued...

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