Rumspringa

By: Morris Henderson
(© 2011 by the author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 5 

Three months after Isaac prematurely ended his Rumspringa and returned home, Jason and Jeremiah were talking over iced tea on the patio.  Jason mused, “I wonder how Zack is doing.  Or should I say Isaac now that he’s returned to his Amish roots?”

“I wonder, too,” Jeremiah replied.  “I’m surprised we haven’t heard from him.  I hope he’s happier than when he left here.”

Jason thought a moment before saying, “He may never be completely happy.  If he’s homosexual — and I think he is — it will haunt him, especially when he has sex with whomever he marries ... or sees a particularly handsome man.”

“I think you’re right,” Jeremiah said.  “It’s torment to need something — or should I say somebody — and knowing that it will never be.”

Jason, who was normally very perceptive of others’ feelings and meanings, failed to grasp what lay behind Jeremiah’s words: an empathy born of identical needs for male companionship.  Both sat quietly for a while, each recalling the fateful night when Isaac recklessly let his secret desires be known.  The younger man broke the silence.  “That must have been an awful night for him.  I mean to be caught in a homosexual act and trying to explain it away to us.”

“Yes.  He was thoroughly distraught.  I can’t imagine the pain he suffered.”

“But when you and he talked in the kitchen,” Jeremiah said, “you seemed to have calmed him down and made him feel better.”

“I’m not so sure I was much help,” Jason wondered.  “Perhaps it was because he just needed a little time to face reality and gain control of his emotions.  Or perhaps it was only because I was nonjudgmental.”

“So you didn’t criticize him for what he did?’

“Heavens no!  That would have only made him feel worse.  Besides, I try very hard to be tolerant of people who don’t share my opinions ... as long as they do no harm to me or anyone else.”

“That’s admirable,” Jeremiah said.  “I wish more people were like that.”

“Anyway,” Jason continued, ignoring the compliment.  ”I’m speculating now but it might have been whatever you said to him when he returned to bed.”

Jeremiah replayed the essence of his conversation with Isaac in his mind.  “I just tried to make him feel better about himself,” he said.

“It must have worked.  He was composed and almost cheerful the next morning.  I hesitate to ask and you don’t have to tell me but what did you say that made him feel better?”

Jeremiah was reluctant to answer the question and paused while trying to decide what to say.  Because he regarded Jason as a trusted friend, he said, “Well ... Zack apologized to me for molesting me while I was asleep.  I told him no apology was necessary.”  He paused again, gathering courage to disclose the secret that he had so rigorously guarded.  “And then I told him that if I had been awake, I would have welcomed what he did and would have done the same for him.  I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone and that I understood why he did it.  I hoped it would make him feel better if only a little bit.”

Jason was astonished at the implications of what he heard.  Without prior censoring of the question that arose in his mind, he asked, “Does that mean...?  Are you...?  I mean did you really mean what you said to him?”

Jeremiah dropped his head and said quietly, “Yes.  I’m homosexual, too.  I suppose you think less of me now that you know I’m gay.”

“Not at all!” Jason quickly replied.  “Although I admit that I’m surprised.  I never suspected that you were gay.  First, you concealed it extremely well.  Secondly, what are the statistical odds that both you and Zack would be gay?  Astronomical!  Are you absolutely sure?”

“Yes.  No doubt about it.  I went through the guilt and shame.  And still do!  I prayed for God to cure me.  That didn’t work.  Then I prayed for strength to control my attraction to men.  That seems to have helped a little.  But sharing a bed with Zack was torture.  The urges came back stronger than ever.  But I knew I could never try anything with him because he always criticized homosexuals.”

“So what are you going to do at the end of Rumspringa?” Jason asked.

“I don’t know.  What do you think I should do?”

“Well,” Jason began.  “It seems you have three options.  One, you can do what Zack did: return home, be baptized, get married, and raise a family.  You might learn to love your wife.  You’re sure to take great delight in your children.  And pride as they grow up to adulthood.  But, like Zack, you might feel imprisoned without the freedom to seek what you really want in a loving companion.  The second option is to remain in the ‘English’ world and search for a man to share your life with.  You’d enjoy all the modern conveniences of life outside the Amish community while you’re seeking a partner.  If and when you do find someone, you might be blissfully happy with him.  But there’s a downside.  You’ll face ridicule and persecution from narrow-mined bigots.  And there are plenty of them in churches, synagogues, and mosques.  Even from politicians who pander to bigoted voters.  Finally, the third option is not to go home but continue to lead a straight life and never have the joy of a loving partnership.  You’d be separated from your family and you may not want that.  It’s a tough choice but it’s entirely your choice to make.”

“What would you choose?” Jeremiah asked, hoping for a little help with his dilemma.

“I can’t say, Jerry, because I don’t have the feelings you do and can’t fully understand them.  Moreover, I WON’T say because you have to make the decision that you think is best for you.  You have some time to think it through.  Your Rumspringa isn’t over for another few months.”

Exasperated, Jeremiah moaned, “Why can’t life be simple?”

“Because, Jerry, God has given you free will.  You have the right to make decisions — even though some of them are difficult and some of them wrong — and live with the consequences.  But, for what it’s worth, I have every confidence that you’ll make the right decision.  You’re wise enough to evaluate life back home and life outside the community.  You’re also wise enough to assess the potential advantages and disadvantages of your decision.  Almost every decision we make has costs and benefits.  Only you can decide how much they mean to you and to your success and happiness.”

<><><><><> 

Jeremiah’s Rumspringa was drawing to a close.  He was expected back home within a few weeks.  He approached Jason one evening and said, “Can we talk?”

“Of course, Jerry.  What’s on your mind?”

“It’s what we talked about a few weeks ago.  Should I go home or not?  I’m still trying to decide.  You haven’t talked about what it was like for you.  I thought that since you’re ex-Amish, the problems you experienced might give me information to help me decide.”

“Okay.  But remember that our situations are very different.  I left primarily for religious reasons.  I wanted to worship in a way that I felt was more appropriate.  I investigated any number of churches but didn’t find what I was looking for.  Most of them were as dogmatic in their own way as the Amish.  I prayed a lot and studied the Bible.  I came to the conclusion that most organized religions are useful but can be extreme when they insist that their interpretation of Scripture is the only true religion.  Consequently, I’m a devout Christian but not affiliated with any denomination.  I don’t think that’s what you want to hear, is it?”

“Yes, but more.  For example, what was it like to be separated from your family?”

“That’s complicated.  I missed them a lot.  I went back to visit a few times but didn’t feel welcome.  I was treated like the black sheep of the family.  On my last visit, my father said, “Don’t come back again unless you plan to stay and be baptized.”

“That must have hurt.”

Yes.  But time heals all wounds.  I sometimes wonder how my family is doing but, at the same time, I cherish the memories of being with them when I was a youngster.”

“Any other problems?”  Jeremiah asked.

“Sure.  I didn’t have a birth certificate so it was a hassle trying to get a driver’s license and social security card.  That’s something you’ll have to consider.  In fact, I’m surprised you found a job without proving you’re a legal resident and old enough to work.   Back when I left, that wasn’t such a problem.  Education was another hurdle.  Like you, I had only an eighth grade education.  I had to take classes to earn a GED so I could enroll in college.  Unless you plan on doing manual labor all your life, you should consider getting more education.”

“Did you have someone to help you adjust like you’ve helped Zack and me?”

“No.  And that’s why I agreed to help you two.  I never said anything but I’m surprised that your father asked me to do it — my being an apostate and all.  But I reasoned that they were more concerned about your happiness and safety than they were about my corrupting you.”

“A final question if you don’t mind.  How did you meet your wife?”

Jason laughed.  “There’s where we really differ.  I can’t give you any help on meeting ‘Mr. Right.’  The short version is that we met in college, dated, and got married right after graduation.  Perhaps you’ll do something similar.  You may meet the right guy in school.  But I’ll repeat the advice I gave you the first night you were here.  Don’t go cruising in that gay bar I showed you.  Many of the patrons, from what I hear, are only looking for quickie sex and not a loving, lasting relationship.  And, of course, there’s the risk of venereal disease whenever you hook up with a stranger.”

“Thanks, Jason.  You’ve been a big help.  I still feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff.  I don’t want to fall over it by making the wrong decision.”

<><><><><> 

With only a few days remaining before Jeremiah would have to choose between life in the Amish community or abandoning his heritage for the pleasures (and pains) of life in the outside world, he said to Jason, “I’ve made up my mind.  I’m not sure it’s the right decision.  It’s like I came to a fork in the road and have to go one direction or the other.  The real problem is that I’ll never know what was at the end of the path I didn’t take.  I’m going home.  A big reason is that I can change my mind later and leave for good.  If I do, maybe I’ll go to Columbia, Missouri.  According to the Internet, there’s a group of ex-Amish there so I’ll have friends to help me get started in a new life.”

“Okay, if that’s what you really want to do,” Jason said.

Jeremiah detected either disappointment or disapproval in Jason’s tone and expression and said, “I want to stay.  I want to find a partner.  But I know the chances of that are slim.  So if I have to cope with my frustrations, I might as well do it while living with my family.

The conversation was interrupted by the ringing of the door bell.  Jason opened the front door and was stunned by what he saw. 

To be continued...

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  Thanks to Iatia for valuable contributions to this story.

Posted: 06/10/11