Two weeks passed before Jeremiah overcame his distress and anxiety over sharing a bed with Isaac.  He still had uncomfortable surges of lust from time to time but learned to distract himself by concentrating on something other than the desirable specimen of young, viral manhood that lay next to him.   But when he was in the shower or sitting on the toilet, he gave his imagination full reign as he feverishly stroked his cock while maintaining a vision of a naked Isaac doing the same.

Immediately following each explosive orgasm, however, guilt consumed his thoughts.  Having access to Jason's computer and the Internet, he had done considerable research and learned about homosexuality.  Much of what he read upset him because he recognized traits and attitudes in himself that matched the description of a homosexual male and he learned that virtually all monotheistic religions — including Christianity, Judaism, and Islam —condemned it as a serious sin against God and nature.  Nevertheless, he regularly surrendered to his urges and persisted in masturbating, allowing his attraction to Isaac to add a measure of satisfaction to his nearly daily practice of self-stimulation.  His mental conflict of succumbing to the powerful desire to masturbate and subsequently chastising himself for his weakness often plunged him into depression.  When Jason or Isaac asked what was wrong, he valiantly put on a façade of cheerfulness.  But the contradiction of his behavior and loyalty to Amish beliefs were like a malignancy in his soul.

Ultimately, he seized on two items in his research that eased the emotional turmoil that was pushing him toward mental instability.  First, he read that masturbation is so common among men, especially young men, that it could be called a universal practice.  Second, young teens may experience an attraction to other males but it is a passing phase before they fully mature and become heterosexuals.  Furthermore, experimentation with others of the same sex before traditional courtship and marriage is not uncommon.  That information, alone, became the lighthouse that would guide him from the stormy sea to safety on shore.  It was okay to masturbate.  It was okay to feel attracted to another male — at least for the time being.  But a faint voice of his strict Amish heritage warned him that it was not okay to have physical contact with another's genitals solely for selfish pleasure.  He didn't recall any explicit mention of the taboo as he grew up but it was a derivative of countless other teachings on proper behavior.  It was, he concluded, another wicked behavior of the "English" and unacceptable for a good Amish man.

The guilt he suffered following masturbation was therefore dispelled from his mind and he was able to enjoy the sensual gratification whenever he was alone and wanted it.  Isaac could be a part of the enjoyment — at least in his imagination.  There was no harm and no sin in that.  There remained, however, a lustful desire to see, to touch, to caress his friend's naked body; to fondle his penis until it was erect; to stroke it as he often stroked his own until it yielded its pearly liquid.  Oh, how he wondered what it would feel like to do that, how much pleasure he might enjoy, how much semen his friend would produce, and even whether it tasted as good as his own.  But he regretfully realized he would never know the answer to those questions.  Thinking about and wanting something can be forgiven but acting on those thoughts would surely be condemned by God.

Such was the complicated rationalization that allowed Jeremiah to satisfy his sexual needs alone and as often as he could but that would simultaneously keep him from risking any forbidden physical contact with another person.  He had successfully convinced himself that God would not mind his masturbating but would punish any additional daring conduct.

<><><><><> 

One month later, Jeremiah was forced to violate his self-imposed "hands off" policy.

Isaac awoke one Saturday morning with a fever and nausea.  Jason insisted on taking him to the Urgent Care Center but Isaac steadfastly refused, saying he had had the flu before and it would pass in a day or so.  After a lunch of chicken soup (the universal but rarely effective remedy), he lay in bed sweating with an empty pail nearby in case he had to vomit again.  On one of Jeremiah's frequent visits to check on his condition, Isaac said, "I have to use the bathroom, Jerry." (They had previously decided to use the nicknames Jerry and Zack while living with the "English" during rumspringa.).  "Can you help me?" he asked with embarrassment.

Jeremiah helped his friend out of bed and supported him as they walked to the bathroom.  Once inside, Isaac's strength ebbed further and he said, "I hate to ask you, Jerry, but I'm afraid I need more help.  Would you mind pulling down my pajama bottoms and help me sit on the toilet?"

Jeremiah had no thoughts other than sympathy for his ailing buddy and doing what he could to help.  Until ...  until he saw in reality what he had previously been able only to imagine.  A perfectly beautiful, uncut penis (larger than he had suspected) dangled from its root that was buried in a profuse bush of jet-black pubic hair.  Jeremiah inhaled sharply at the sight but quickly recovered and lowered the weakened young man into a sitting position on the toilet.  A thick, forceful stream of urine gushed into the pool of water below the gorgeous (so Jeremiah thought) appendage, the symbol of manhood that Jeremiah longed to touch, to feel, and to fondle.  Isaac was preoccupied with relieving his bladder and Jeremiah took full advantage of the opportunity to admire his friend's equipment that, he now noticed, included a pendulous scrotum bulging with testicles.  (Yes, because of his puritanical background, he thought of these things with proper anatomical names.  He knew the terms, cock and balls and a few synonyms, but considered them to be profanity.) The icon of manliness between his idol's legs seared the image into his mind to be recalled as further stimulation and pleasure when he masturbated.

When finally Isaac was through with his business, Jeremiah helped him stand up.  In the process, the pajama bottoms fell down to around his ankles.  "Can you stand while I pull up your pajamas?" Jeremy asked with genuine concern for his friend.

"No, but I can hold on to your shoulders while you bend down to get them."

Without anticipating what lay immediately ahead, Jeremiah dropped to his knees in front of his friend.  That, of course, positioned his eyes just inches from the temptation of the penis he had "seen" countless times in his fantasies but only recently in reality.  He paused —a moment or two too long—- to admire the object of his secret desire.  With much of Isaac's weight pressing down on his shoulders, he couldn't resist pretending to struggle with the pajamas while hardly taking his eyes away from what he longed to touch and fondle.

"Problem?" Isaac asked.

"No," Jeremiah replied, hastening to pull the pajama bottoms up.  The temptation became too great to resist and he wrapped a hand around the tube of flesh to tuck it inside the pajamas before finishing the task.  It was a totally unnecessary gesture and lasted too long.  Isaac, in spite of his condition, noticed, wondered why it was done, and even entertained a fleeting suspicion of Jeremiah's motive.

Jeremiah managed with difficulty getting Isaac back into bed, rationalizing that he had only been assisting someone in need.  Wasn't that what he'd been taught to do since he was very young?  Wasn't that the Christian thing to do?  Sure, he had taken the liberty of looking at and touching his friend's penis but that wasn't a serious infraction of Ordnung.  It wasn't a homosexual act; it was simply satisfying a curiosity.  Such was the twisted logic that eased Jeremiah's conscience.

But God would test him again!

Once Isaac had settled into bed, he continued to wonder about Jeremiah's apparent fixation on inspecting and even handling his penis.  Up to that point, there had been neither evidence nor even a hint that Jerry was "that kind."  Could it be?  He had to know.  And he could find out with a simple test.  "Jerry," he began hesitantly.  "I really hate to ask another favor but I'm all sweaty and I'm sure I'm smelly.  Would you mind terribly giving me a sponge bath? My mother did it when I was a little boy and it made me feel a lot better."

"Sure, Zack, if that'll make you feel better."

Jeremiah went to fetch a large mixing bowl of warm water from the kitchen and a wash cloth and towel from the bathroom.  On the way, the enormity of what he'd been asked to do struck him like a powerful kick from a stallion back on the farm.  He resolved not to make the same mistake as he made pulling up Isaac's pajamas.  'The consequences are simply too dire,' he told himself.

He washed and dried Isaac's face, arms, and torso with no crack in his resolve but with ample thanks from his pal.  "Does that feel better?" he asked as he started to gather up the cleaning items.

"Definitely," Isaac answered.  But, still wanting to ascertain Jeremiah's interests, he added, "But you've only done half the job.  How about my legs? They're all sticky with sweat, too."

Jeremiah hesitated.  "But I'd have to take off your pajama bottoms," he objected.  "Are you sure you want me to do that?"

"Didn't your father always tell you that a job half-done is not done?  That's a line my father used with me more than a few times."

Reluctantly and fearing a lack of resolve, Jeremy pulled down the quilt and sheet.  He would have to get perilously close to Isaac's private parts that would be fully exposed to view.  Would that excite him to the point of erection?  Could he control his eyes and his hands?  Or would he commit another grievous blunder that would surely destroy a friendship?  He was about to remove the pajama bottoms but stopped and said, "This is a bit awkward.  Are you sure you want me to finish the job?"

"Of course," Isaac replied.  "Besides, you're just being a nurse for me, what could wrong with that?"

"If you say so," Jeremiah said with resignation to whatever fate might befall him.

Isaac hadn't planned it and certainly didn't expect it but the gentle brushing of the wash cloth along his inner thighs provoked an embarrassing response from his penis that tingled and began to swell.  He tried mightily to will it into passive submission but failed in the effort and his penis steadily rose toward full erection.  A terrible realization arose in his mind and he worried, 'Drat! My experiment is backfiring.  Jerry is going to think that I'm a Sodomite.   Damn!'

Jeremiah noticed life flow into Isaac's penis, of course, and was mesmerized by the sight.  Although he continued to wash and dry his friend's upper thighs, his eyes and mind were captivated by the hardening penis.  Isaac, having surrendered to the inevitable and unable to think of any plausible excuse for his misbehaving penis, had no choice but to accept the unavoidable.  His distress over the embarrassing situation was lessened when he saw that Jeremiah was attentively watching the engorging penis.  Wasn't that the whole purpose of the planned test?  Didn't it support the theory that Jerry was a homosexual?  But, upon reflection, Isaac had to wonder, 'What did that really prove?  It might as easily be that Jerry was curious or amused as much as it might be evidence of a secret desire and motive.  One just couldn't be sure.'

Additional evidence was soon manifest that suggested the answer Isaac sought.  Jeremiah was struggling to conceal a growing bulge in his trousers.  'Jerry's getting an erection, too!' Isaac thought.  'That surely means he's aroused by the sight of mine.  Or does it?  I can't really be sure.'

As Jeremiah continued washing Isaac's upper thighs (for longer than was necessary) his penis achieved full erection and began to throb.  'Damn!' he thought.  'Jerry's sure to think I'm a sinful Sodomite!  But that's only because of the prolonged touching and rubbing close to my penis.  And Jerry is taking too long to do that part of me.  And he's aroused by the mere sight of my erection.  That's pretty convincing proof that he's homosexual!'

Jeremiah noticed that Isaac's penis was leaking clear pre-seminal fluid, which only accelerated the stiffening of his own penis that was straining against the confining fabric of his trousers..  He knew that Isaac had seen the problem between his legs and worried about what conclusions his buddy might draw from it.  That erased any thoughts he might have had about touching the now throbbing penis of his friend.  It would only confirm what was possibly only suspected.  He got a fresh set of pajamas and helped his friend put them on being extremely careful not to touch the stiff shaft that still beckoned his attention.

<><><><><> 

For days, both boys wondered curiously (and hopefully) about the other's sexual interests.

Jeremiah's fantasies as he masturbated were enhanced by what he had seen.  It was no longer a fabricated image; it was a vivid recall of a soft and an erect penis that fueled his arousal and increased his satisfaction before, during, and after orgasm.

Isaac, however, fretted over what his friend must now think of him.  He lived in fear whenever he was around Jeremiah because his unintended and uncontrollable erection may have put an idea into his buddy's mind.  If Jeremiah told anyone when they returned home to the insular Amish community after rumstringa it could be disastrous to his standing and trigger the righteous wrath of his parents.  But a yearning lurked deep inside of him that he could not face and had strenuously suppressed.  Within a few days, to quell the wicked thoughts that haunted him and to firmly establish his reputation as a devout Christian who complied with Ordnung, he made several scornful remarks about Sodomites when talking to Jeremiah.  He also criticized those in the "English" world who tolerated such degenerate behavior.  His ploy was successful because Jeremiah dismissed all suspicion that he and Isaac had the same interest.