The Reluctant Mentor
By: Morris Henderson
(© 2009 by the author)
 

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 2

Rick spent the time before leaving for dinner at the Petersons worrying. Although he hoped that he could help a troubled young man, he might not be of any help if Todd was not willing to trust him and talk about a very private problem. What could he do without any expertise in counseling? A second concern was also troublesome. Interacting with a known gay may stir feelings that could be dangerous if the interaction went beyond conversation. That would be the worst possible outcome for both of them.

He nervously rang the Peterson’s door bell just before six and was warmly welcomed by Tom who ushered him into the living room where Todd was reading. “Good evening, Todd,” Rick said.

“Good evening, sir,” the boy replied.

“Oh my!” Rick said. “I haven’t been called that for longer than I care to remember. Please call me ‘Rick’

Todd looked at his father briefly and said, “If you like. But Dad said I should always show respect by addressing adults by sir or ma’am.”

“Sound advice!” Rick grinned. “But, if you don’t mind, I’d prefer that you call me Rick.”

Todd checked with his Dad who nodded his approval. “Okay,” Todd said with a noticeable lack of conviction over violating his father’s advice.

“That was awkward,” Rick thought to himself. “Am I pushing too far to fast to win Todd’s confidence?”

Ann came into the room carrying a tray of appetizers and the foursome settled in for half an hour’s lively conversation. Todd did not participate actively until the subject of baseball came up, which was fortunate because it became pivotal in forging the friendship between Todd and Rick. The tipping point was Rick’s mentioning that he attended a game in 1964 when Mickey Mantle hit a ball that cleared the 22-foot high screen beyond the 461-foot marker at Yankee Stadium. Todd, like Rick, was an avid baseball fan and throughout dinner and the rest of the evening, they monopolized the conversation. Tom and Ann didn’t mind because they recognized that it fit well into the plan of winning Todd’s confidence in Rick as more than a neighbor and casual friend of his parents.

When Rick offered to take them all to a ball game, Tom said, “That’s very kind of you but Ann and I don’t share Todd’s interest in baseball. I’ve taken Todd to a few games but I can’t analyze the finer points of the game like he can. I have no doubt that you two would have a great time.”

It was settled. Rick would get tickets and let the Peterson’s know the date. Todd was genuinely excited about going to a game. Tom and Ann welcomed the turn of events that--they hoped--would lead to helping their son cope with his isolation. Rick looked forward to building a friendship with the Petersons and doing whatever he could to help a lonely, tortured young man.

Two days later, Rick called Tom. “I have two tickets for Thursday night’s game. It’s a school night. Is that all right?”

“Normally, I’d have reservations, Rick. But considering the circumstances, I have to approve. And thank you again for your help.”

“Great,” Rick replied. “I have another question. Would it be all right if Todd and I had dinner that night before the game? He can choose between Burger King and a steak house. And, of course, the obligatory hot dogs at the game.”

“Good idea,” Tom enthused. “I’ll tell Todd. What time do you want him to be ready?”

“Let’s say six. That will give us time for a meal and get to the stadium in plenty of time for the game.”

When Rick hung up the phone, he was almost euphoric. Not only could he go to a game--not alone but with someone but that someone was an admirable young man who he might be able to help. But could he, after all, be of any help? Maybe. Maybe not. But he had to try.

Rick rang the Peterson’s bell promptly at six on Thursday to be greeted by Todd who was wearing a baseball cap and jersey and nearly beside himself with excitement. Rick was only slightly less pleased at the thought of the evening’s outing.

Typically for a teenager, Todd chose the Burger King option for dinner. The rapid-fire conversation over their meal focused primarily on baseball. They each challenged the other with trivia questions with Todd taking great delight in confounding his host with more than a few questions. Their frequent outbursts of laughter amused the other diners but, significantly, were the perfect catalyst for a deepening camaraderie.

It would be impossible to say which of the two enjoyed the game more, in spite of friendly disagreements about the strategies for pitching, fielding, and batting.

After the game, Rick drove home, parked his car, and walked Todd to his parent’s condo. Tom and Ann invited him in. They indulged their son for twenty minutes of animated recap of the game before Ann said, “I’m delighted you enjoyed yourself, Todd. But you have school tomorrow and I think you ought to go to bed ... not that I expect you’ll be able to go to sleep right away but try.”

Todd hugged both his parents, thanked Rick profusely, and went down the hall toward his bedroom.

Tom then said to Rick, “It seems you’ve made quite an impression on Todd. I don’t think he’s been so excited for a long time. You may get tired of me saying this but thanks again.”

“I think we’ve made some real progress, Tom. But I still don’t know when or whether Todd will be comfortable talking to me about very personal matters. I still want to help. More than ever, in fact. But we’ll just have to see how things develop.”

“We understand that,” Ann said. “But I’m an incurable optimist. And I trust you to do whatever you think is right ... whenever that may be.”

“I’m flattered,” Rick replied. “But I wish I could share your optimism. Opening up to an adult who is not a family member will be a huge hurdle. I’ve given it a lot of thought but I don’t have a magic formula yet. There is one question I’d like to ask that may help me. Does Todd know that I know he’s gay?”

Tom and Ann looked at each other. Tom said, “No. It’s never come up.”

“I see,” Rick said thoughtfully. “Let’s keep it that way. I think I may have an idea for bringing the subject up. It’s not a fully formed idea but I’d like to keep the option open.”

“Of course,” Tom agreed. “As we said, we trust your judgment.”

Rick then returned home. He didn’t surf the web that night as he usually did. He had too much to think about. He had connected surprisingly quickly with Todd; they had begun to form a bond that could lead to some serious discussions. But Rick was still apprehensive about how to help the young man. Talking about isolation and loneliness was one thing but delving into the reason for his being ostracized by class mates would be difficult.

Eventually, he fell asleep thinking about Todd and what a mature, courageous teenager he was. He soon woke with a start, however, interrupting a disturbing dream in which he and Todd were in bed together, both naked and embracing. They were grinding their firm erections against each other. He was simultaneously repulsed and aroused at the thought. He lay there with the memory of the dream disrupting his mind. “NO!” he exclaimed aloud to himself. “It cannot ... must never ... happen!” He rose out of bed to go to the kitchen. As he did so, he noticed his cock was harder than it had been in years.

Sitting at the kitchen table sipping on a glass of warm milk, he tried to analyze what the dream meant and what it might mean to his attempt to counsel Todd. He knew that Todd was gay. He knew all too well that he had unfulfilled yearnings himself. He also had to admit that he admired Todd’s personality, character, maturity, and--yes--his physique. But he also reminded himself that he had not once thought of him as a sexual partner. Why then, did he become one in his dream? After considerable thought, he began to unravel the mystery. First, he had wanted but had denied himself male companionship for decades. Second, he was no longer bound by the obligations of a marriage. Third, he was lonely, very lonely, and at least subconsciously craved companionship. Finally, Todd was not only an extremely personable young man but a particularly stunning specimen of masculinity even at his young age. The conclusion was as distressing as it was inescapable. He was emotionally and sexually attracted to Todd.

He sat there for nearly an hour, haunted by feelings that had been uncloaked by the dream and by the unacceptability of any actions that might be triggered by those feelings. When he finally returned to bed, he was almost afraid to go to sleep lest he be cursed with a similar dream.

He saw Todd at the pool the following day. Todd greeted him enthusiastically. Rick was more restrained, still bothered by his unwelcome dream and, to tell the truth, his conflicting feelings. His altruistic hope of helping Todd had, regrettably and frightfully, begun to morph into an inappropriate attraction to a gay nearly 40 years younger then he was. The two motives were incompatible.

Todd tried to engage Rick in a conversation but got a minimal response. Frustrated, Todd asked, “Are you all right, Rick? What happened to that talkative guy who took me to the ball game?”

“I apologize,” Rick replied. “I’m fine. I guess my mind was somewhere else.” Indeed it was. But the troubled man could never reveal what--or, more accurately who--was distracting him. By force of will, he suppressed his concern and chatted until it was time for Todd to return home for supper.

By that evening, Rick had reluctantly come to a conclusion. What he must do was the least odious of several options. It would be painful for him but was, he thought, the only right thing to do. He phoned the Petersons. Tom answered.

“Hi. This is Rick Chambers. I’d like to talk to you and Ann. In private. Is there a convenient time we could get together? Perhaps here at my place?”

“Is something wrong?” Tom asked, concerned over Rick’s serious tone and ominous request.

“Not yet,” Rick said. “Everything is fine. Now. But there may be a problem in the future. I want to avoid it.”

“We can come over right now if you think it’s urgent. Todd’s doing homework in his room. Ann and I can make an excuse to leave for a little while.”

Rick thanked Tom, hung up the phone, and tried to steel himself for the conversation that he dreaded.

After letting Tom and Ann Peterson in, Rick was so nervous that he neglected to offer them any drinks or refreshments and, instead, launched right into what he knew he had to say. “This will be difficult for me. I really don’t know how to explain things but I need to try. Please be patient with me. I told you when we first met that, as a teenager, I had the same feelings as Todd. I was attracted to other boys and to men. That was the truth. But not the whole truth. The fact is, I’m still gay. I’ve never told anyone that and I’m telling you only because ... well ... because it’s important that you know. Yes, I know, I married and lived a straight life. I’ve had a good life as respectable husband and father but I can’t deny my fundamental nature.”

“Okay,” Tom interrupted. “You know that we don’t condemn homosexuality.”

“For that, I’m grateful,” Rick said. “It means a lot to Todd that you accept him as he is. But that leads me to the reason I asked to see you. You may not want your son associating with a 57-year-old, single, gay man. I want very much to help him cope with harassment, his isolation from school mates, and with his sexual orientation. Please don’t doubt that. But if you now want to decline my offer of help, I’ll certainly understand.”

Tom and Ann looked at each other for a moment before Ann said, “Rick, it seems to me that the fact that you’re gay makes you even more qualified to help Todd. Empathy with his feelings can only make any advice you give more valuable.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” Rick sighed. “Let me be more specific. There’s a danger. It’s painful for me to say this but decades of frustration ... and now alone since my wife died ... have left me vulnerable to temptation. Moreover, I don’t think I have to remind you that a teenager’s raging hormones can overcome his better judgment. The danger, therefore, is that either or both of us will want to do more than talk. I would hate myself if that happened. More importantly, it can’t be good for Todd. I’ve wanted to help him. I still do. But God forbid if I were to hurt him in any way.”

Tom and Ann exchanged glances again before Tom said, “Rick, we told you before that we appreciate your help and that we trust your judgment. Candidly telling us your concern only confirms our confidence that you will do what’s best for Todd.”

“I appreciate your trust,” Rick replied. “But I don’t trust myself. It’s unlikely that the occasion would arise but if it did I’m not sure I could resist the temptation. I’m very lonely. I have physical and emotional needs that could weaken my will power and lead me to do something very foolish. To be brutally honest, Todd is a very handsome young man. Perhaps you can’t understand but I’m afraid of doing something with him that would scar him for life. I couldn’t bear that.”

Tom and Ann sat quietly for a few moments, as if suddenly grasping Rick’s meaning, weighing the probabilities of a sexual encounter, and speculating on the consequences for their only son. Tom broke the uncomfortable silence. “I understand your concern, Rick. I suggest we take some time to consider our options.”

Rick thanked his visitors for their understanding as they left, reassured them that Todd’s well being was his prime concern, and repeated his willingness to abide by whatever decision they made.

Tom and Ann found Todd asleep when they arrived home so they took the opportunity to discuss what to do. After careful and sometimes agonizing thought, they agreed on a plan but it was too late in the evening to phone Rick with their idea.

The next day, a Saturday, Tom phoned Rick just before noon to say, “Todd will be spending the afternoon in the library. Can you come over for lunch? When Todd leaves, Ann and I have a suggestion that we hope will meet with your approval.”

Rick agreed but still harbored doubts that he and Todd would be seeing each other for the conversations that he had hoped would lead to sharing of personal matters.

Todd was exuberant during lunch. Tom and Ann were gracious but yielded to their son’s eagerness to talk to Rick who forced himself to keep up his share of the conversation. He tried valiantly to hide his curiosity about the parents’ promised suggestions. Only with great effort was he able to conceal his fear of a potentially dangerous turn of events when alone with Todd.

Ann cleared the table while Todd gathered his things for the visit to the library. Tom and Rick made small talk in the living room. When Todd left, Ann joined her husband and guest for what she hoped would be a resolution to the problem.

Tom began the discussion. “My first reaction to what you told us, Rick, was, quite frankly, surprise. And concern -- concern for both Todd and for you. Ann and I discussed the situation at length and we’ve come up with a suggestion. It was actually Ann’s idea. Why don’t you explain it, dear?”

“I did think of it but Tom and I agree,” Ann said. “First of all, we believe your primary interest is helping Todd and that will guide what you say and do. We still trust your judgment. More importantly, we trust Todd’s judgment. I don’t think it’s just parental pride but he’s wise beyond his years. I doubt he would do anything ... or, to be blunt ... will not let you do anything foolish. Just the age difference would discourage any improper behavior. That seems to eliminate or at least minimize the risk for Todd. Does that sum up our discussion, Tom?”

“The first part, yes,” Tom replied. “But there remains another problem that Ann and I cannot ignore. You’ve said that you don’t trust yourself. We do. But we’re more than hesitant to ask you to work with Todd because we assume it would be uncomfortable for you to be with him. How do I put this? If you are, indeed, attracted to him, the frustration of not ... well ... showing your affection could be upsetting. We’re not willing to ask you to make that sacrifice.”

Ann quickly added, “That brings us to our suggestion. You may consider it off the wall but here it is. When the time is right -- and the sooner the better -- tell Todd that you’re gay like him. He’ll be as surprised as we were but it may open the door for serious discussion. Immediately tell him, however, that there can be nothing between you but conversation. I’m absolutely sure he would agree to that. We suggest you assure him that you will not report back to us about anything he says. I think that will alleviate any reservations he has about opening up to you. He’s been very open with us, and we with him, but there are some things a teenager doesn’t want to say to his parents. You might encourage him to talk to us as well but talking to you and hearing your advice, I’m convinced, will help.”

Tom interrupted. “So there’s the problem, Rick. We can’t ask you to do it if it would cause you pain. The decision is yours. We’ll understand and respect whatever decision you make.

To be continued...

Posted:11/27/09