Caution and Courage
By:
Morris Henderson
(© 2012 by the author)
The author retains all rights. No reproductions
are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...
Chapter 2
“Where ya been, Will?” Billy asked with his typical enthusiasm.
“Just went for a walk,” Will replied, having decided on his way back to the barracks that he would say nothing to Billy about the OCS nomination. At least not until he had sorted out in his own mind what to tell the Captain. If he chose to accept the offer he would tell Billy about it. If, however, he chose to decline the nomination, hoping to stay near Billy, he would have to invent a lie to tell the Captain, a plausible reason for refusing the honor. Additionally, he would have to lie to Billy. How could he say, “I love you, Billy, and can’t bear to leave you” when he wasn’t certain that his friend was gay. Turning down the OCS opportunity was a huge risk because it was not certain that their orders after basic training would put them on the same ship.
Later that evening Billy asked, “What’s eatin’ on ya, Will? Ya been mopin’ ‘round like ya just lost yur fav’rite hound dog.”
“Sorry,” Will replied, trying to quell the torment in his mind. “I guess I’m just worn out from all the hikes and calisthenics. And I’m worried about remembering all the technical stuff we have to memorize in class.”
Billy doubted that was the real reason because both the calisthenics and the classroom work were easy for his fit and well-educated pal. But he chose not to pry into the true cause of his friend’s funk. Instead, he said, “Yur gonna do jus’ fine, Will. Doncha let it git to ya.”
In the shower before lights-out both young men were quieter than usual. Their customary banter was replaced with a solitary concern to finish washing and hit the sack. Will was still preoccupied by the dilemma he faced. Billy wisely left his friend alone although he was still concerned about what was troubling his best buddy.
Will spent a fitful night, struggling unsuccessfully to resolve his conflicting options and reflecting on his feelings toward Billy that had burst into his consciousness just hours before. Was Billy gay or were the apparent signs of homosexuality merely characteristics of a naïve farm boy? Even if he were gay, did he feel the same intensity of affection, the same powerful urge to show that affection intimately? And how might they share their bodies without being caught?
Billy was, of course, gay and had much earlier recognized his infatuation with Will, infatuation that had turned into genuine affection. He had a strong desire to make passionate love with Will. His desires were tempered, however, by his timidity and fear — fear of offending his best friend and fear of certain discharge from the Navy if the prohibited relationship became known.
Will was reprimanded several times the next day for his lack of concentration and was on the verge of being put on report when the day of training finally ended. By that time, he had made his decision.
“Reporting as ordered, Sir,” he said to the Captain.
“Good, come in,” the officer replied. Without wasting any time on pleasantries, he continued, “So what’s you decision?””
“I’ve reluctantly decided to decline the opportunity, Sir.”
“For what reason?” the Captain barked. “And it had better be good!”
“OCS is a great honor, Sir, but it carries an obligation to serve for a long time ... and perhaps make the Navy my career. That’s not what I want to do. I want to serve, yes, but for a limited time and go on to something else for a career.” There was only a germ of truth in what Will said. When he enrolled in NROTC he fully expected to earn an officer’s commission and remain in the Navy. Now, however, his goals were different. Now there was Billy — who had taken top spot in his priorities.
“You’re making a big mistake, son,” the officer said harshly. But then, in a tone that abruptly changed from commanding officer to guidance counselor, he added, “Your father will not be pleased.”
“MY FATHER?” Will blurted out, forgetting the expectation of decorum and respect when addressing an officer. “What the hell does my father have to do anything?”
“Settle down, sailor,” the Captain urged. “Your father called me. We were fraternity brothers at Harvard. He wanted to know how you’re doing because he hadn’t heard from you in a long time. I told him your performance here was exemplary and you were being considered for OCS. He asked me to expedite the consideration.”
Forcing himself to control his anger, Will said, “That’s a second reason for declining OCS, Sir. The opportunity is now tainted by my father’s blatant attempt to influence the decision. I resent his trying to pull strings for me. Whatever I do or achieve will be with on my own. SIR!”
The Captain, both confused by his subordinate’s logic and irritated at his outburst, took some time to gather his thoughts, time that seemed like an agonizing eternity to Will. The Captain snarled, “I could order you to attend OCS but I won’t. It’s not because you don’t deserve it. It’s not because your father encouraged me to do it. It’s because your heart wouldn’t be in it and — considering what you’ve told me — you would likely screw up intentionally to get booted out. That wouldn’t be good for you or for the Navy. But let me say one more thing ... not as your commanding officer but as a father with a son just as bull-headed as you. Stay in touch with your family. I have no idea why you haven’t contacted him or what may have happened between you two but trust me. Family is important. Loss of a son or loss of a father is tragic.”
“Thank you, Sir, for the OCS offer. And for the advice. Please accept my apology for any lack of respect in what I’ve said.”
A half-smile crossed the Captain’s face before he resumed his military bearing and said angrily, “Your decision is one that — I guaran-damn-tee you — you will regret! DISMISSED!”
Having turned down a certain future as a Navy Officer Will returned to the barracks and to a very uncertain future. He wondered, “Is Billy gay? Is he attracted to me as much as I am to him? Might we be assigned to separate ships, which would mean I’d have lost BOTH desirable outcomes?”
Arriving at the barracks, he found Billy engaged in animated conversation with another recruit. They were occasionally laughing and seemed to be enjoying themselves. Will saw more than there was to see, which upset him. He’d chosen Billy over OCS and now it seemed (in his distorted perception) Billy had deserted him. He didn’t recognize it nor would he have admitted it to himself but he was jealous. Billy was HIS friend! He felt an oppressive sense of regret for having made a wrong decision. He climbed into his bunk to feel sorry for himself.
Several minutes later, Billy approached Will who was silently bemoaning the foolishness of hoping that he and Billy could be more than friends. “Hey, Will,” Billy said. “What’n tarnation is goin’ on? Ya ain’t been yurself. Doncha dare lie to me neither. I can tell somthin’s eatin’ at ya.” Will didn’t respond so Billy continued, “Come on, buddy. Tell me. If’n I can help I wanna. Wanna know why? I’ll tell ya. It’s ‘cause when yur hurtin’ I feel yur pain. We’re pals, aint we? What’s a pal for if it aint to help another pal?”
“Go back and have fun with Roger,” Will said curtly without looking at Billy. “You and he seemed to have hit it off quite well.”
“Roger?” Billy asked, stunned by the obvious rejection of help and confused by the reference to his conversation with Roger. But a suspicion arose in his mind — the possibility that Will resented the apparent friendship with someone else. “We was jus’ swappin’ stories ‘bout some o’ the teachers we had in school. I thought mine was bad and it was ‘cause I was from Miss’ippi but he growed up in Boston. Good neighborhood. Good school. But the teachers ... some of ‘em ... sucked. Now, Will, we gotta talk about what’s important. That’s y’all and yur problem. Doncha be no stubborn mule ‘bout it neither. Let yur buddy help if’n I can.”
Slowly, Will recognized that his reaction to Billy’s talking to someone else was childish. “Sorry.” He said sheepishly. “I’ve been an ass. Yeah, there’s something bothering me but I’d rather not talk about it. There’s nothing you can do to help. In fact, you’ve already helped by offering. Maybe I can work things out but right now I have to do it on my own. I know that doesn’t make any sense but I hope you can forgive me.”
“Okie-doke,” Billy replied. “But only if ya promise to let me know if’n I can do any thin’ for ya. I wanna help if’n I can. ‘Cause we’re buddies. Right?”
Will felt like giving Billy a big hug in thanks. Billy felt the same way because he was truly worried about his best friend’s problem — whatever it might be — and wanted to comfort him. Neither, however, acted on his urges. It would be “unmanly” in their current environment.
<><><><><>
It was the final week of basic training and all the recruits were anticipating their orders. Most hoped for specialized training according to their interests but all recognized they would have to accept whatever duty the Navy assigned to them. No one was more apprehensive about his assignment than Will. He had resigned himself to the likely prospect of being assigned a job different than Billy’s. After all, his private schooling and almost two years of college, not to mention being singled out for OCS would surely destine him for a future unlike that of Billy who was a high school dropout. The most he allowed himself to hope for was the remote chance that they would serve on the same ship. Still, he feared that their paths would diverge and he would then have lost both the OCS opportunity and the man he had grown to — yes, he had to admit the truth — he had grown to love. He tried to hide his anxiety from Billy because he didn’t want him to worry and definitely didn’t want him to know about his affection ... at least not yet.
Billy was no less concerned. His attraction to and affection for Will had become almost an obsession and he dreaded the probable separation. He had frequently planned to tell Will of his desires but always restrained himself. He wasn’t sure that his confession of lust and love wouldn’t be cruelly rejected and he didn’t want to disrupt what he felt strongly would likely be Will’s meteoric rise in the ranks.
When the orders were distributed after the evening meal on Thursday, Billy was not surprised. He would be working in the engine room of a cargo ship shuttling to and from Vietnam. Will, however, was astonished that he would be among the lowest of the low on a third-rate ship. The parting words of the Captain reverberated through his mind, aggravating his torment: “You will regret your decision!” The assignment was clearly an act of retaliation! The injustice infuriated him. The more he thought about it, the more agitated he became. He even suspected that his father had arranged it as punishment for turning down OCS. “It would be just like him,” Will thought. “Didn’t the arrogant snob demand that I work in a soup kitchen over the summer when I didn’t join the ‘right’ fraternity at Columbia? Didn’t he piously bellow that I had to see what it’s like to be an ignorant, lazy welfare mooch? But that punishment backfired; Will learned that those who came to the soup kitchen were good people that were victims of bad luck.”
Will didn’t have long to nurse his wounds because Billy came rushing toward him, asking, “Whatchur assignment, Will?”
Will replied with his disgust and disappointment clearly evident. “Working in the engine room of the Brighton — a fucking FREIGHTER! A goddamn shit-hole job!”
“Ain’t that jus’ somethin’ else!”
Billy enthused, the good fortune of serving with Will trumping the
slur in Will’s comment. “Same as me! I figured y’all would be off
to advanced trainin’ to be some kinda spec’list. But guess what.
We gonna be workin’ together. We can still be buddies.”
To be continued...
Acknowledgement: Iatia’s contributions to this story — inspiration, encouragement, and editing are deeply appreciated.
Posted:01/13/12