By: Little Dan
(Copyright 2007 by the author)
The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent.
Which I am saddened to say can no longer be obtained! (Effective August 14th 2007)
“What did you say?” asked Henry Farraday from behind his desk which faced mine across the office.
“Nothing,” I said. “I didn’t say anything.”
“I thought you said something.”
“No,” I answered. “I didn’t say anything.”
Henry shook his head and went back to contemplating the invoices lying all over his desk.
Almost five o’clock. Thank god. I couldn’t wait to get out of this place. The job was really starting to get to me. The daily grind. It was making me sick. Maybe it was because I had to hide who I was. Keep myself secret from everybody. It was really wearing. All those guys with their little gold wedding bands and the smiley pictures of the wife and the kiddies all over their desks. But not on mine. No pictures on my desk. I was different.
I wanted to shout to the world about my love, but I had to keep it secret. Because my love was for another man. My love was for Elwood. My strong, handsome, manly Elwood. What did he even see in me? I knew I was a total loser. Didn’t Elwood see that? I was so damn lucky to have him. My beautiful Elwood. I think I would die for Elwood. Yes. I would. I would die for Elwood if I had to.
Five o’clock now. Good. Thank god. Now I could put everything away and get in my car and drive home. I would grab a snack on the road and then I would drive home. I would climb the stairs and open the bedroom door, and there he would be. My wonderful Elwood. Waiting for me. I could picture his strong hairy legs, and his well-defined chest and his powerful arms. I couldn’t wait for them to enfold me. Hug me to him. I would feel the rising, hardening warmth inside the tight white under-shorts, which would be all he would be wearing. He never wore anything else. He was so fucking sexy. I would press my body against his hardening cock and kind of move against it a little to excite it. To make him ready. Ready to make love to me. That was what I needed now. To feel my lover inside me, dominating me completely. Possessing me. Oh, Elwood. Yes. Yes. Yes.
It seems as if I had always known Elwood. From the time I was a little boy. From the time I was around five years old. I don’t remember how we met. I just remember him being there for me. My best friend. I could tell him everything. He understood me completely. He always had. Let the other kids play baseball, and basketball, and go skating. I was just happy walking with Elwood in the forest. Just the two of us. I never wanted anything more.
Our relationship didn’t become sexual till way after my eighteenth birthday, and it happened so naturally. I had recently admitted to myself that I was attracted to other men and I had started hanging out around the train station restroom. It didn’t take long for me to find partners. I was young and I was cute. They knew exactly what I was looking for hanging around the rest room like that. I started to suck cock, which I took to like a fish to water. I couldn’t get enough of it. Day after day I would be at the train station sucking cock in the rest room. And eventually, of course, the other happened. This married guy started feeling my ass and pinching it, and telling me what a great ass I had, and would I let him fuck it. I said ‘yes.’ And it happened.
We went into one of the stalls and locked it and he made me kneel on the toilet seat with my ass facing him, and then he took out his hard dick, through the fly of his pants and began pressing it into me. Sure it hurt a little at first, but I really liked it a lot. After that I wasn’t that much into sucking cocks. I wanted to get fucked all the time.
I never told Elwood about this. How could I? What would he think of me? I would lose my dearest friend. My only friend. But the truth was bound to come out.
“How come you get home so late every day?” he asked me.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Am I late? Yeah. I was walking in the woods a little. You know I like to walk in the woods.” But his eyes kept boring into mine and I knew he knew. My secret. My shame.
“I don’t think you were walking in the woods,” he told me.
“I was,” I insisted. But I knew my face was flushed with embarrassment and guilt. I knew my face told him everything.
“Don’t lie to me,” he parried. “I think maybe you’ve taken a liking to dick.”
“No,” I said. “What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean,” he told me. “Why don’t you just admit it?”
And then I started to cry. “It’s true. It’s true,” I told him. “I knew I’d never be able to hide it from you. I’m twisted. I’m perverted. Please don’t hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Harvey,” he told me. “I’m your best friend. I’m your pal. I’m just a little sad that you felt you couldn’t come to me with your little problem.”
“You don’t hate me?”
“I love you, Harvey. I always have. You must have known that. You should have let me be your first.”
I was crying a lot now. I looked into his eyes to see if he was really sincere or not, and I knew he was telling me the truth.
“Oh, Elwood,” I cried.
“Harvey. Harvey.” And at that point he took me in his arms and began to kiss me. At that point we went from friends to lovers.
“You should have let me be the first,” he told me. “You have such a beautiful ass. I want to be the only one to pleasure it. Promise me that from now on there will never be anyone else.”
“Oh, Elwood,” I sighed in passion and ecstasy. “I promise. From now on only you.”
“How about sucking my cock a little first, to get it warmed up,” he suggested.
I happily assented. I watched as he stripped out of the white shorts which glowed against the tan of his muscled body. There it was. His cock. Elwood’s cock. So big. So thick. And his balls. Beautiful. He lay down on the bed, playing with his stiff dick. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him as I was undressing. Finally I knelt on the bed and crawled between his legs and took him in my mouth. What a wonderful masculine flavor. Better than any of the others. I could be satisfied with this cock for the rest of my life.
After a long while he turned me over face down and crawled above me.
“Ready?” he asked me.
“Yes,” I told him. And then he eased it into me and flattened me down and lay on top of me. And I was not kneeling on a hard toilet seat in a men’s room. I was in a comfortable bed with my handsome best-friend/lover fucking his cock into me. Yes. I could be satisfied with only this cock for the rest of my life.
“Fuck me, Elwood,” I begged.
“You’re such a little slut,” he told me.
“I know,” I said. “I don’t care. Just fuck me. Fuck me forever.”
And he fucked me, and I felt his juices running inside of me, and I dozed off in his strong arms. And it’s been like that ever since. Only Elwood.
Why couldn’t I have his picture on my desk? “This is my lover,” I would have wanted to say. “This is Elwood. The strongest handsomest man in the world, and he fucks only me.” But I couldn’t. I couldn’t have his picture on my desk. I couldn’t shout my love to the world. They would think I was twisted and perverted. So I had to keep it all inside of me, eating away. Eating away. Eating away.
Too much fucking traffic. I want to get home to Elwood. I’m lost without him. “Move! Goddamn it!” I screamed at the line of cars in front of me. It was getting later and later and I still was miles from home. Then I saw the pull-off. “Mr. Pizza!” A big lit sign of a fat little guy wearing a white chef’s hat and sporting a large black moustache, and he was carrying this big tray of a full pepperoni pizza balanced on the palm of his right hand which reached way over his head. The pizza looked delicious. I decided to pull in and have a couple of slices of Mr. Pizza and a cold cola before continuing on the crowded highway. Maybe in a half hour or so it wouldn’t be so crowded and I could drive a little faster to get home to my lover.
The pizza wasn’t the greatest. The crust was kind of soft and doughy, and the sauce didn’t have a lot of flavor, but I just needed to feed myself so I could devote my time entirely to Elwood when I reached the house.
I had been right. The rush hour had passed by the time I wiped my lips clean on the paper napkin and returned to my car and to the highway. I put my foot to the pedal and headed homeward.
I pulled into the driveway and walked up the front steps and turned the key in the door, hoping that Elwood had been missing me so much, I would find him waiting for me just inside the doorway. But no. The hall was empty. He would be upstairs lying languidly on our big bed in all his outrageous sexuality. I took the stairs two at a time and opened the bedroom door. And there he was in all his masculine glory, totally exposed except for the tight, packed, white shorts which glowed against his skin. He was sitting up in the bed, resting his back on the pillows.
“Hi,” I said.
“You’re late,” he observed.
“Yes. The traffic was horrible. And I stopped for some pizza.”
“Maybe you’ve been hanging around the train station restroom again.”
“No.” I said. “There was traffic and I stopped for pizza like I told you.”
“How do I know I can believe you? You’re such a little slut. I know how much you love cock. I bet you’ve been sucking on other guys and letting them slip their dicks into your hot tight little ass.”
“No. I wouldn’t do that. I love you. You know that.” How could he even believe that I would do such a thing? I was really hurt.
“I’m gonna check your ass for strange sperm,” he joked. And he started laughing. He had been kidding me. I was just too sensitive to take a joke. I didn’t have a very good sense of humor. At least not where it concerned my love and fidelity to Elwood.
“Come here,” he said.
I walked over and sat on the edge of the bed and he reached around me and kissed my teary eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I was just kidding. I know you wouldn’t do that. Forgive me?”
“Yes,” I said. How could I not? I would forgive Elwood anything. I was just lucky that he didn’t go down to the train station and hang out. He could have had anyone. Man or woman. Anyone.
“Go take a shower,” he told me. “And come to bed.”
“Yes. I need a shower.” I kissed him lightly on the lips and got up to undress and head toward the shower. It felt great. I was so wound up, and the water beating down on me was so soothing and energizing all at the same time. I hated to come out of the shower, but there was something better waiting for me in the next room. Elwood.
I toweled off and came back into the bedroom and saw that Elwood had stripped out of his shorts and was playing with his large hard dick. I looked at him. I looked at his dick. I looked into his eyes. His eyes were staring into mine as he stroked himself and he had that cocky smile on his face. He was teasing me. He was making me want his dick. Well, I did want his dick. I always wanted his dick. But at this moment it was really mine and I crossed the room and fell upon it as if I were cock-starved.
“You ready, baby?” he asked me.
“You know I am,” I told him. “I want that big hot dick inside me. I want to feel it moving in and out of my ass. It’s the only time I’m really happy anymore.”
“Okay, baby. You got it.” And he flipped me over and topped me in that hypermasculine way of his, and I was in my own private paradise. He shot his seed into me, and as we were lying there side by side cuddling with his diminished member still a little inside of me, and his arms tightly around my chest, we started to talk.
“Tough day?” he asked me.
“They’re always tough. I hate that place.”
“Not much you can do about it though, is there?”
“No.” I said. “What did you do all day?”
“Nothing much,” he said. “Just ’hang,’ same as usual.”
All the time I was at work, I was wondering what Elwood would be doing at that moment, but he was always just ‘hanging,’ as he put it. I hoped he wasn’t going down to the train station for some fresh ass. But no. How could he make love to me like this every night if he had spent himself at the train station? No. He was here. In our home. Waiting for me to get back from my tiresome job. He never talked about taking a job himself, and I didn’t bring the subject up.
In another half-hour we fucked again, and it went on well into the night. He had the most amazing stamina, and I guess I did too, because it always felt great. I never felt sore or as if I had had enough. I always dropped off into sleep wanting more and more and more.
And the next morning. Torture. Back to the job. Torture. I hated this place. I hated it. Just walking in the door was making me want to cry. I dabbed a tissue to my eyes.
“You okay, Harvey?” asked Henry Farraday.
“Fine, I assured him.”
“Go over these figures,” he told me, handing me a folder full of papers.
I took them and began to check the figures as best I could. They were floating all over the page in front of my eyes, and I was crying, and I couldn’t see them clearly through my tears.
“What?” asked Henry Farraday.
“Nothing,” I said. “I didn’t say anything.”
“I thought you did. Are you sure you’re okay, Harvey?”
“Fine,” I said.
And then at the same time as he said “Check these figures too,” I heard him or somebody say “You’re such a fucking loser, Harvey. You’re gonna lose Elwood too.” How did anyone even know about Elwood? I had never said a word about Ellwood at the office.
“You’re gonna lose Elwood.”
“NO FUCKING WAY!” I screamed. And now I was out of control and tearing around the office and throwing everybody’s machines on the floor, and tearing up papers, and crying, and there were suddenly a lot of people around me holding me down, and I was struggling against them. But they held me and held me, and I couldn’t move. I could only howl and suck on my thumb.
And after a while some people dressed in white uniforms came, and one of them gave me a hypodermic or something, and that was the last I remember of being in the office.
I woke up in a bed, like in a hospital or something, but I couldn’t move my arms. It was like I was in a straight jacket or something? Yes. That’s what it was. A straight jacket again. Damn.
Days passed and I was worried. Who would tell Elwood where I was and what had happened to me? Maybe he had had the good sense to call the hospitals to see if I had been admitted. Yes. He probably would have done that. He was so capable. Not like me.
They started giving me all kinds of pills and injections and therapies, and finally they brought me in to see the doctor. Dr. Milton Falkes.
“Hello, Harvey?” he told me. “We’ve met before.”
“We have?” I asked. Wherever could I have met Dr. Milton Falkes before?
“Yes. On your last visit,” he told me.
“I’ve been here before?” I asked him.
“Yes. Don’t you remember?”
“No,” I answered. “Maybe something. Vaguely. I’m not sure.”
“Trust me. You’ve had these episodes before Harvey. You know that you’re schizophrenic. Right?”
“I am?” I asked. I think I had known that, but had put it out of my mind.
“Yes. We gave you medications to help you function better in society. Did you stop taking your medications, Harvey?”
“I guess so,” I told him. I knew I hadn’t been taking any medications.
“That’s very naughty of you, Harvey. Now we’ll have to start all over again, won’t we?”
“Whatever,” I answered.
And then he started talking to me, but I really wasn’t listening, I was remembering the sensual words of my lover when we were in bed together, and he was kissing my ear and breathing into it, and describing all kinds of outrageous things which we would do together, and I wanted to try each and every one.
“Do you still live by yourself, Harvey?” Dr. Falkes asked me.
And then I had a problem. Should I lie and say yes, or should I tell him the truth that I was a homosexual and had a male lover?
I decided to be truthful. He was a doctor, after all. He probably had had other patients who were homosexual. “No. I live with my male lover. I’m homosexual.”
“Your lover?” he asked me, playing with a pencil on his desk.
“Yes. My lover, Elwood.”
“I see,” he said in this strange way. “Yes. Elwood. Yes. And how long have you known Elwood?” he asked me.
“Since we were five years old,” I told him. I wanted him to know that I was in a long term relationship and I was not some promiscuous manwhore.
“I see,” he said. “And what is Elwood’s last name?”
Suddenly I stopped cold. “I don’t know,” I told him.
“You don’t know? But you’ve known each other since you were five years old.”
“Yes. He was my boyhood buddy.”
“And then you became lovers?”
“Exactly,” I said in a self-satisfied way.
”And when did you become lovers?”
“After we were both eighteen. We didn’t do that when we were younger.”
“So you have this childhood best friend who is now your lover, and you don’t know his last name?”
I was starting to get very uncomfortable. I didn’t know Elwood’s last name. I suddenly realized that I had never known it. Why didn’t I know my best friend and my lover’s last name? This was puzzling.
“You’ve told me about Elwood before, Harvey.”
“Yes. The last time you were in the hospital and even the time before that. Don’t you remember?”
“No,” I admitted. “I’ve been here before?”
“Yes. And we checked and checked and we found out something that you’re not going to want to believe.”
“And what is that?” I asked him. Had he found out that Elwood was fucking other men or even fucking women while I had been institutionalized. Well. So what? Elwood had a healthy sexual appetite which demanded to be satisfied, and if I was not there, of course, there would be someone else. I could be understanding.
“There is no Elwood, Harvey.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked him. The man was a fucking lunatic. This was ridiculous.
“There is no Elwood, Harvey. There never was an Elwood.”
“Of course, there’s an Elwood. He’s the handsomest, most desirable man in the whole world, and he loves me.
“No, Harvey. You made him up.”
“You made him up. You were a lonely child with emotional problems who didn’t have any friends, so you made up an imaginary playmate. Elwood.”
“This is crazy.”
“No, Harvey. What I’m telling you is the truth. You’ve got to start facing the facts and learning to live in this world. You made up an imaginary playmate who has now become your imaginary lover. You’ve got to realize what I’m telling you is the truth, so that you can get on with your life.”
“Why are you saying this?” I asked him. And now I was crying. Of course there was an Elwood. I came home to him every night and we made love. And he fucked me. I could still feel his hard penis inside my ass. “No. No. No.” I screamed and put my hands over my ears. I didn’t want to hear another word.
“If Elwood is a real person, why don’t you know his last name?”
“He never told me,” I said. “I never asked. It didn’t matter.”
And then I went completely to pieces and he got some attendants to take me back to my room.
As the weeks passed and the medication began to take hold, and my talks with Dr. Falkes continued, I began to realize the horrible truth.
There was no Elwood. I had invented him to take away my loneliness. I was all alone in this world. Desolate. Abandoned. Reality overtook me with an overwhelming despair. How could I have imagined Elwood in all his perfection for so many years and not realized that I was mad? If a man such as Elwood did indeed exist, he would certainly have no use for the likes of me. The weak, crazy, pitiable thing that I was. But oh, how I missed him. How could I go on day after day, year after year without my beautiful Elwood?
Months passed and the medication and the therapy continued.
When Dr. Falkes felt I had been completely stabilized he agreed to let me return home to my empty house where I would live alone for the rest of my days. I made a solemn promise to continue taking my medications every single day. Never missing one. He was right. I did not want to risk ending up back in the hospital.
So I was released. And though my former employers at first declined to welcome me back, Dr. Falkes and the entire psychiatric staff impressed upon them that it was very important for me to have an established daily routine, and that I had been stabilized and that I was being medicated and that such an event as the one that had occurred on that terrible day would never again come to pass. Reluctantly they gave me my old job back.
“How are you, Harvey?” asked Henry Farraday on my return to the labor force.
“Fine,” I told him. “I’m fine now. I’m taking medication. I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused.”
“Not your fault,” he assured me. “You poor guy. If you ever need anyone to talk to, remember that I’m right here.”
“Thanks, Henry,” I said. I had never realized that Henry Farraday was such a wonderful person. And he was awfully good looking. I wondered if Henry Farraday could ever be persuaded to become my lover. To come home to my empty bedroom and fuck me in the ass. As Elwood had been doing for so many years now, but it would be for real this time with Henry. Henry was real. But this kind of thinking was delusional. Henry was a married man. He had that gold band on his finger, and the picture of the wife and kiddies on his desk. He was always bragging about this one or that one. No he really loved his family. He would not want to carry on a tawdry sexual affair with a delusional male office-mate.
I got through the first day and got into my car to drive home. There was tons of traffic. I was speeding along at something like two miles an hour. But what difference did it really make? I was going home to a lonely and empty house. No one lived there but me. I stopped at Mr. Pizza on the way home and had a couple of lousy slices with some cold cola. At least that went down easily. It was hard swallowing, because I was all choked up feeling sorry for myself.
I pulled into my driveway and walked up the stoop to the front door. I turned the key and opened the door. The house was dark. It had always been dark when I came home, but I had known that Elwood would be upstairs waiting for me. Now I knew that he would not be there. I shivered in the cold autumn chill.
I went up to my bedroom and took my shower and got into bed, but I had difficulty falling asleep. I thought maybe if I could sleep I could dream of Elwood and how it used to be. It was an awful night.
Day after day I went through my daily routine. I got up. I ate breakfast. I took all my pills with orange juice and got into the car to drive to the office. I did my job and I came home and I showered and maybe I read a magazine for a little while, and then I tried to fall asleep. I was really not sleeping well. I had bags under my eyes. I looked terrible. If there were an Elwood, he would not even want me anymore.
“What’s the use? What’s the use?” I kept asking myself. My life was so utterly empty and futile, what was the purpose of going on? There was no joy anymore. Nothing to look forward to. And then it began to happen. Not consciously at first. But I started forgetting to take my pills on some mornings.
And the funny thing is that when I was not taking my medication regularly, I started to feel happier. As I walked the streets I could hear people saying nice things about me, and I liked it.
Eventually I just stopped taking my medication. I felt so much more lighthearted and hopeful about everything. Maybe it was the medication that was depressing me. I was obviously so much better off without it. Except that I was alone. So alone.
“NO FUCKING WAY!”
“What’s that, Harvey?”
“You said something.”
“No. I didn’t. I didn’t say anything.”
“I thought you did. Are you sure you’re all right, Harvey?”
“I’m fine, Henry. Just fine,” I assured him, and the funny thing was I really was feeling fine. At the end of my day I got in my car, back into the traffic, gave Mr. Pizza another visit on the way home. There, I went through the front door into the darkness of my house. I climbed the stairs and opened my bedroom door, and when I turned on the light, I could hardly believe my eyes. There, lying on the bed, in the unspeakable beauty of his jockey shorts was Elwood. My darling Elwood.
“Rough day, baby?”
“Elwood,” I yelped. “You’re here.”
“Of course I’m here, baby. Where else would I be?”
“But I don’t understand. They told me you weren’t real.”
“Do I look like I’m not real?”
“They told me I imagined you.”
“Idiots,” he said. “It’s they who have no imagination. Take your shower, baby. I want to hold you in my arms.”
I took a quick shower and walked back naked into the bedroom. Elwood had shucked his tight jockeys by this time because they were way too confining for what he was stroking in his hand. He was kind of raising each ball toward me with his other hand.
I climbed onto the bed and took him into my mouth as I knew he liked me to do, and it was the first happiness I had known in so very many months. I had missed him so. I should have known he would never abandon me. We were childhood buddies who had become lovers. He loved me as much as I loved him.
“You ready, baby? He asked me.
“Yes. Yes. Put it in me. I want to feel you inside me again. I’ve missed you so much.”
“And I’ve missed you so much. What a sweet little ass,” he commented, and then he entered it. It was so glorious, I can’t even describe to you how it felt. I turned my face to the side and he leaned over and we kissed. And then we broke the kiss and I buried my face in the pillow and felt him seesawing down on top of me, his rigid manhood connecting us, and carrying him to the depths of my body and the depths of my soul. And I loved it. I was happy again.
“Oh, Elwood,” I told him. “Fuck me. Fuck me. I’ve missed you so much. I love you so.”
He didn’t answer. He only continued to pound me.