Like a Promised Sunrise

By: JWSmith
(© 2012 by the author)
Editor:  Rock Hunter

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 3

I dropped Judd off on the UCLA campus, and since Rodeo Drive was nearby, I went shopping, ending up at Gelson's for groceries. Three hours later, I pulled into the lot where I had left him. He was sitting on the lawn talking to a young teenage boy with short curly raven- black hair.

As I got out of the Jeep and walked toward them, I realized he wasn’t a boy but a beautiful young woman. She was slender with no noticeable breasts, dressed in jeans and a short blouse  that left her midriff bare. Her skin was pale ivory. Her face was pixyish, with a straight little nose, a rose bud mouth and huge brown eyes. She could easily have passed as a fourteen year old boy.

As I approached, I heard her say as she looked up at me, "This man walking toward us has to be your uncle. He looks just like you,".

Judd twisted around and smiled. "That's him," he said, then stood, offered her a hand and pulled her to her feet. She was a tiny little thing, maybe five feet tall at the most. "Jace, this is Annie. Annie, my Uncle Jace."

"Hi, Uncle Jace," she said, grinning impishly.

I bowed to her and said with a John Wayne drawl, "Miz Annie, I am honored to make your acquaintance."  

She giggled.

"She's taking some of the same courses I am. She’s planning on writing, too," Judd said.

I nodded. Judd had moved to my side as he made the introductions. Annie studied us. "You guys make a way cool couple. I think that's so neat," she said.

Speechless, I think my mouth fell open.

"Thanks, Annie,” Judd said. “I think you are cool, too. Look, I'll call you. I'm sure Jace has places to go."

He grabbed my arm and steered me toward the car. I glanced back and Annie waved at me.

"What did she mean, Judd? What did you tell her that she would make a comment like that?" I unlocked the Jeep and we got in.

"We just talked, Jace. It's no big deal."

"What's no big deal? What did you tell her?" I gulped. "That we're lovers? What?"

"You're over reacting. We just hit it off right away. She told me about her girlfriend. So I told her that I want to be your lover... I really do, Jace."

I looked at him. The pleading sincerity in his expression wilted my anger. He could see that I was giving way. He continued.

"I want you to take me in your arms and tell me you love me. If that upsets you, I’m sorry, but I can't help how I feel."

I was overcome with a desire to do whatever would make him happy. If he wanted me to hold him, by God, nothing would keep me from doing it. I reached over and pulled him to me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. "You make me fucking crazy, Judd. If you want my love, you have it. I don't believe in love at first sight, but when I saw you walk off that plane something snapped inside me. I can't fight it. I love you, Judd. And I'm going to make love to you until you walk bowlegged. I'm going to ram my cock so far up your beautiful little ass that your tonsils will be tickled. And then you're going to do the same to me. Let's go home."

He chuckled.

I started the Jeep, backed out of the parking space and headed out to the street. Judd sat back and studied me. He had a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

"What?" I asked.

He shook his head and grinned. "You gave in way too easy. I was sure I was going to have to woo you for at least a week."

Something in the way he said it hit me like a bucket of ice water. I pulled over and parked. I felt like the cycle of head-games that Ken used to play was starting again.

"Are you playing games with me? I do not play games, Judd."

"What are you talking about?"

"Was all this just a ploy? This whole thing of 'let's seduce Uncle Jace. Let's see how long it takes to get him into bed. He's a real sucker for my good looks. I bet it won't be hard to get into his pants.'  Is that your fucking game, Judd? I let myself fall in love once and I'm still hurting from it. I'll be damned if you will hurt me, too, you chicken shit asshole. Go play your games on someone else."  I crashed onto the steering wheel. Inside I was bleeding.

When he laid a hand on my shoulder, I shrugged it off. "I was only teasing, Jace. I didn't mean anything by it. God! Someone really messed you up bad. I wouldn't play games like that. Please believe me."

He ran his hand up and down my back. I was beginning to feel foolish. I had badly overreacted. Damn Ken to hell. It’s been four years since he walked out of my life, and I‘m still letting him jerk me around... I’m still in pain. And damn my dad, too. Damn anyone who can turn love on and off like that. Goddamn it, I’m still one-fucked-up-shit.

"Jace, look at me, please," Judd begged.

I raised my head and turned toward him. God, he’s so beautiful. I wanted to reach over and take him back in my arms. But the fear inside me bound my hands. He had tears rolling down his face. The cynic in me rose to the surface. Was Judd sincere or was he a really good actor? Could I stop being the cynic? I knew that my cynicism could destroy any chance I had with Judd if he was sincere. Ken had destroyed my trust in love and lovers. I didn't know if I could allow that trust to be rebuilt.

"Jace," he said, breaking into my racing thoughts. "I'll never play games with your emotions. I love you, man. I could never intentionally hurt you. I've never submitted to any man. I've never wanted to. But I want to for you... only you, Jace."

His eyes never wavered from mine. I believed him. I raised a hand to his face and caressed his cheek. "I'm sorry. It's just that the one and only time I let myself love someone, he destroyed my trust with his head games."

He laid his head into my hand. It reminded me of the loving trust my cats have for me. No matter how loudly I yell at them, they immediately come back offering me love. My heart felt like it might burst... I was scared shitless... I wanted him to hold me... I wanted to run away as fast as my legs could carry me. I wanted... God, how I wanted what he was saying to be true.

"Judd, I buried the hurt and ignored it. Your coming into my life has made it all resurface, and I've got to deal with it. I want to love you. I just don't know if I can... like you deserve. I want to try, but I'm still scared shitless."

"Let's go home. We need to do a lot of talking," he said.

I started the jeep and headed back toward downtown. It was one of the longest drives of my life. We were both wrapped up in our individual thoughts as I drove out of Brentwood back through Beverly Hills, and Hollywood, then into Los Angeles. When we got home, I made a pot of coffee. I offered Judd a mug. He took it and wandered over to the living room window. He leaned against the sill and gazed out over the city. I mixed my sludge, sat down in a club chair, laid my head back and stared at the ceiling. My thoughts were totally fragmented.

Judd would occasionally glance at me and then turn back to the view. God, the anguish! When Ken had announced he was moving to New York, I had closed down my emotions to keep the pain away, and until now I hadn’t dared to open them back up. I’d built my whole life around that relationship. I’d believed we would grow old together. I’d thought I knew Ken as well as I knew myself, but I’d been deceived. Maybe I’d deceived myself, made myself believe things that weren't true. I don't know. But now, four years later, it was still festering and I was still in pain from it all. If I was going to have any kind of trusting relationship with Judd, I had to cauterize the still seeping wound and let it heal.

These were thoughts I should be expressing out loud to Judd, but I couldn't... they'd been cocooned too long. I raised my head and looked at him. He was all that anyone could possibly want in a man... in a lover. But I was so afraid I’d get hurt again, and I was afraid that in turn I might hurt him.

"Why would you pick a fucked up shit like me to love?" My voice was gravelly. "You could’ve your pick of the world. Why me?"

He didn't move. He continued to gaze out the window. I was beginning to wonder if he’d heard me, or was he just ignoring me. Finally, he spoke as he stared out the window.

"I think we may have a choice in who we don't love, but none in who we do love. Being you're my uncle, I would never choose to love you like I do. Like the bumper sticker says, 'Shit Happens.' I just have to deal with it. You may be a fucked up shit, but I still love you. I don't think I have any choice in the matter.” He paused, still looking out the window. "I've never gone through an experience like this before." He paused again. "I've never wanted anything so much as I want you to love me. If you can't... well, I guess I'm man enough to deal with it and move on. Right now, I can't imagine ever feeling this way about another human being."

He took a sip of coffee, set the mug on a table and walked across the room to the bathroom. He didn't look my direction. I heard the water running in the sink. I pushed myself up out of the chair and haltingly followed him. Judd came out with his hair wet around the edges of his face. I stopped and he walked up to me.

I know I must’ve looked like death warmed over, I damned well felt that way. The skin that comes with being a towhead shows every emotion. I knew I was washed out, deathly white with red-rimmed eyes, that's how we Deasons are when we’re emotionally stressed. He wrapped his arms around me and gently held me for a moment, then stepped back to wipe my face with a cool wet cloth as he said, "Before I can start walking bow legged, we're going to have to deal with your demon. You want to tell me about him?"

I thought about what it was going to take to tell Judd about Ken and quailed. If we were going to be able to move forward, I was going to have to do this. I nodded. "Come on," I said, "let's get comfortable."

He tossed the cloth towards the bathroom door and led me over to the sofa where he pushed me down on one end, moved to the other end, and settled in facing me.

"What was his name?" He prompted.

I studied the threads in the upholstered cushion I sat on before I glanced up and answered, “Ken Walker.” I dropped my eyes and haltingly continued. “I met him soon after I came out here... at UCLA. He was a senior. I think he was twenty-four at the time. I was barely twenty. He was from West Hollywood and I was just a naive country boy from Pecos, Texas. But... we seemed to click from the moment we met. Within two months we were living together.

"After he graduated, he went to work for an advertising agency. Things begin to change between us. I was in school most of the time, and he worked. When I graduated, I immediately got a writing job on a sitcom. I was working sixteen hours a day, six days a week. We didn't see much of each other. One night I came home and he informed me that he was moving to New York. I told him I was sure I could move, too. He said to not bother, he had met a man from there that he would be moving in with. That was the abrupt end to five years of my life."

I could feel Judd staring at me. "End of story?" He asked. His voice was flat, emotionless. I glanced up, but couldn't read his expression. It was like his face had closed down. The lights had been turned off. There was no one home. I wondered if he was even seeing me.

I raised my head and saw him grimace as he got up and walked back to the edge of the window with his hands stuffed in his pockets. I could feel the anger building in him. I knew why. Hell, I had just handed him a bag full of dry bones. I was feeling guilty for having done it. I had told him earlier that I don't play games, but that's exactly what I was doing. He wasn't having any part of it. It's just so damned hard for me to share my emotions, but I knew I had to try.

"I worshiped the ground Ken walked on. I thought he felt the same way. For the first couple of years, I think that he was really trying to make our relationship work.

"Being gay and growing up in West Hollywood, he must have become jaded with sex very early in his life. I'm not sure he was capable of really loving anyone completely. I began to realize I wasn’t enough to satisfy him. I tried to be... but by the third year I knew I couldn't be that new face, that new cock, that hot new body in his bed. He began to play mind games. He would build me up, then pull the entire floor out from under me. I was nothing more than a country hick that he could manipulate as he wanted. He did... and I let him. He was bored with me. And that was more painful to realize than his finally leaving.

"I wish I’d had the balls to get up and leave him, but I didn't have much self-esteem by then. He had pretty much destroyed me emotionally. I had no ego or pride left. I had allowed myself to be walked on so much that when he left... I couldn't even get angry. I guess I had pretty much developed a slave mentality. I should have learned to hate him, but I only resented the fact that he used me and I allowed it. He had me convinced that I was nothing without him. So, when he left, I felt worthless for a long time. I closed myself up in a shell. I worked... I went home... slept... went back to work.

"Netta was the only one there for me. She kept working on me, attempting to rebuild my self-image. With her help I learned to take pride in myself and my accomplishments. She kept working on me until I finally got up the courage to go on some dates that she set up. The fellows were all nice enough, and they all were very good looking. But I couldn't respond... all the dates flopped. After the fifth attempt I didn't try again. I closed my shell and no one got close to me... Netta finally gave up."

When I finally paused, Judd was sitting on the edge of the sofa next to me, holding my hand and studying me intently. I had no idea when he’d moved from the window to the sofa.

I stood and walked across the room. I couldn't look at him. My words came out in short bursts, with long moments of silence in between. "And now you’ve come into my life... In two days you have shattered my shell... and I've let you... I've hidden from the pain for four years... I'm scared shitless... I want to trust you... I don't know if I can... I don't know how."

It took an effort to force each word out of my mouth. I was shaking like I had been affected by ague. I had never done anything so difficult in my life. I wanted to hide in a nice warm dark place where nothing could hurt me, most of all where Judd couldn't get to me. I’d given him the power to destroy me. I was completely vulnerable. I wondered if he realized it.

I was quivering like a dog that had been beaten its whole life; my tail tucked tightly between my legs. I was shaking so hard that I could barely stand. When he walked up behind me, put a hand on the back of my neck and caressed down my back, I jumped like I’d been hit with an electric current. He moved up against me and enfolded me in his arms. I was a wet rag, not a bone in my body. I collapsed back against him. He ran his hand up and down my chest, making soothing sounds.

He then lifted me and carried me to the bed. I know I weigh at least fifty pounds more than he does; yet he carried me like I was a child. He sat me down, knelt in front of me to remove my shoes, then lifted my legs and turned me, forcing me to lie down. He quickly lay down beside me, pressing every part of his body against me. Still he hadn't said a word; he just made soothing sounds. I began to calm down. Only an occasional shudder wracked my body. I eventually drifted into a narcotic-like sleep.

When I awakened, I was naked under the covers. Judd was lying against me as he had been when I fell asleep, except that he was on top of the covers, still clothed. The clock read 1:14. I had slept for almost nine hours. I lifted his arm and slid away from him, managing to rouse both cats as I rolled off the bed.

I felt like I’d been drugged. My mind was heavy with too much sleep. I pissed and wandered into the kitchen.  Turning on a light under the cabinet, I could see that the cats had been fed, so I made a pot of coffee. While it was dripping, I wandered to the foot of the bed and studied Judd in the semi-darkness.

He’d rolled onto his back with his right arm flung above his head. The fingers of his other hand were hooked in the fly of his 501s. In sleep he looked so very, very young. His forelock hung over his face. There was a slight smile on his lips. I wondered if he was dreaming about me. Damn, he was just so beautiful it pained me to look at him.

The coffee maker sighed and then belched as the last of the water shot into the basket of grounds. I filled a mug and poured some real cream in it and went back to the foot of the bed.

I thought about the catharsis I’d been through yesterday afternoon. I finally felt free of the pain that I’d hidden from for so many years. I felt my chest swell with an emotion I had forgotten. It had been so many years since I had felt this way about Ken. I promised myself I would not let anything bad happen to my love for Judd.

I chuckled to myself. I had just admitted that I loved him. I loved this wonderful young man lying on my bed. I don't know whether it was my chuckling or the scent of the coffee that woke him. But as I mused about these fresh new feelings, I realized that the very person I was musing over was watching me. Our eyes met. He smiled.

"Hi. How are you feeling?" He asked, his voice little more than a whisper.

"I feel wonderful," I replied.

"Why is that?"

"Well, probably because I faced a lot of demons yesterday. And in doing so, the pain they held is gone. And most likely, because I just admitted to myself that I love you."

"Jace, you sure?"

His expression was stern, full of concern.

"That doesn't make you happy."

"Of course it does. It's just that I wasn't expecting to hear you admit it."

His eyes glistened as I set my mug down and sat beside him. He reached his arms up to me and I lay on his chest, my head nestling next to his. He wrapped me in an embrace and I searched for his lips. The kiss lasted for several minutes.

When we broke it, he chuckled. "Does this mean I get to walk bowlegged?"

 To be continued...

Posted: 03/30/12