Tales of the Absurd
By: DL
(Copyright 2007 by the Author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...
dl@tickiestories.us
 

Introduction

 

What follows isn't truly a story; merely a collection of incidents that have happened during my career. I should explain that I've worked for the same company – one of the leaders in its field, ever since it was formed – nearly thirty years ago.

During those years there have been many strange incidents, which are so off-the-wall, that in the words of one of my favourite newspaper columnists, "You couldn't make it up!" Looking back, I personally have often thought there was enough material for a great television mini-soap [except that nobody would believe it!]

So, in a desperate attempt to regain parity in the number of readers [sad, isn't it] with that pesky Diver, I thought: 'Why not see if anybody will read these?'

What follows in succeeding episodes are just isolated incidents that actually happened: I know you'll never believe it (unless you're one of my colleagues and recognise the events portrayed!). I hope that you can see the funny side of these and enjoy them as much as I do [now, in retrospect at least; LOL: some were definitely unfunny at the time!]

And as a necessary prelude to starting the tales, there follows a brief character outline and a scene setting, so you can understand whom they are, how they fit in and where it's happening! For obvious reasons the names of the individuals have been changed, and they may not be exactly as described, so as to avoid any embarrassment [hopefully] from them being identifiable.

 

The Main Characters:

The Boss [Ivan]: a nice guy, with an ability that I lack: he can deal with the public at the drop of a hat: by which I mean that he can switch from being angry with someone to picking up the phone and talking to a client without letting the feelings of anger he was just experiencing show! He's not a great reader – whether that's surprising given that our work is in the book-printing sector is a moot point – but he isn't stupid; and he has literally the patience of a saint!

The production director [Stephen aka My Friend; LOL: perhaps Nemesis might be better!]: has a penchant for drawing graphs and flow charts, along with compiling innumerable lists and being an obsessive-compulsive about everything being neat and tidy.

The operations director [Rick]: a nice guy, but the typical 'round peg' in a square hole. He has been with the company since its inception but has long since been left behind insofar as keeping up with the changes of technology in a fast-moving industry.

The senior client account manager [Liz; ironically I went to school with her!]: a feisty, no-holds barred, very much 'in your face' individual with a caring and compassionate side that occasionally slipped through an otherwise hard-bitten worldly-wise exterior.

The system manager [Sally – her 'English' name – she was, in fact, Hong Kong-born Chinese]: a very intelligent, short and slim young lady who had very rigid beliefs about the right way to keep 'users' (of her system, LOL) in line!

The head proofreader [yours truly; aka 'Dave']: for such was my official position at the start of my story – A Helping Hand – I was also designated as Sally's (see above) deputy simply because she was new to the company and I was the only member of management with any background at all in computing; though as time and events rambled on, Sally left and I officially succeeded her as System Manager. I'm reasonably clever, well read and can be remarkably indecisive as well as insensitive.

The foregoing individuals are the main protagonists in these little sketches, but there are a whole raft of 'character parts' that will pop up from time to time – and I've decided to deal with them as they appear.

The battlefield:

LOL; as that's what it often feels like: the building where it all takes place. In March 1983, the company was well-established, profitable and having long since outgrown its premises [spread over three floors of a converted ex-boarding school], had nine months previously started building its own purpose-built premises [about 6,500 square feet on two floors].

Thus at that point in time we were about to move into our new home: we were also taking delivery of our first networked composition system (it cost just under £1 million; nearly as much as our new building!) And to help you understand I'll just give you a brief description of the layout of the building.

Ground floor:

The rectangular-shaped, silver-clad metal-framed building stands lengthways in the middle of its plot. To the front there is a tarmac car park with a glass door in the building to the far right as you look at it, which leads to the Reception area. Down the left side of the building the tarmac continues to an over-flow car park [not made up] and the rest of the plot beyond that is just grass, fenced off from the car park. There is a secondary solid wooden double set of doors set into the side with the tarmac leading to the rear car park.

Inside if you enter via the Reception doors you are faced with open-plan stairs to the first floor on your right and a reception desk to your left, whilst directly ahead are shelves holding an assortment of prestige books that we've done. To the far left, beyond the reception desk, is the fire door that leads into the executive corridor on the left and which has at its start, the executive toilets and opposite that [on the right] the door leading into the print room. If you go down the executive corridor, the doors on the left are the Chairman's office/Boardroom, the Managing Director's Personal Assistant's office, then the MD's office itself and then the Estimator's office; the corridor ends with a fire door that leads into the entrance from the side double doors. If you go through the door into the print room you are faced by another door leading into the camera room and through that [turning right] into a store-room and finally the boiler room]. In the print room are three very large Rank-Xerox printer/collators, which we used for proofing and printing book proofs.

First floor:

If, instead of going through the door to the Executive corridor, you go up the stairs, you will be faced with the corresponding fire door to the one below. Go through that and you have the keyboards in front to your left, the readers alongside to your left with my office between them. Directly ahead to your left is the data suite with the System manager's office through the data input operator's room which is alongside the sealed-off computer room, that itself butts up to the reinforced stairwell that is the main fire exit. On the right-hand side from the fire door is the kitchen, followed by the sealed-off and air-conditioned image-setting room and beyond that [it finishes level with my office on the other side] is the graphic artists domain. Dead ahead on the right (and extending around behind the computer room and its adjacent stairwell) is the production office.

So, without further ado, let's skip to our first tale of muddle and mayhem in an everyday tale of British industrial life.

 

Posted: 08/31/07