Tales of the Absurd
By: DL
(Copyright 2007 by the Author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...
dl@tickiestories.us
 

1

In the beginning …

It was the first day in our new home after nearly six months watching it rise from an empty plot, planning the move and working out how and where everything should go [with the aid of copious detailed diagrams by the Production Director – aka 'My Friend' as followers of A Helping Hand will know him!] We had just finished moving in after the first Bank Holiday weekend that year [as this gave us three days to shut down at the old place and move the equipment to its new home].

As anyone who has ever done this type of thing will tell you, something always goes wrong! And we weren't the exception that proved the rule – despite the many and detailed lists compiled by My Friend, LOL! In our case, the main 'glitches' were that British Telecommunications [as BT were then known] in the person of the Sales Executive that had sold The Boss our new state of the art 'Kinsman' direct-dial telephone system had lied: consequently, the one box that had been designed to hold it, below the built-in brick and wood Reception Desk on the ground floor was insufficient for the four boxes actually needed. Additionally, Stephen and Rick had mis-measured the desks our computer equipment were housed on and thus the precision-placed sunken floor sockets in the first floor of our new building were incorrectly placed! [This amused me more than a little, watching Rick and My Friend trying to re-arrange the way the desks were positioned in order to get the leads as near to the power points as possible.]

Add to the foregoing major 'little problems' the usual chaos that inevitably accompanies a move of any description: in our case boxes deposited in the wrong departments, desks with the wrong drawers in them, equipment that had vanished (someone seemed to have taken a liking to all the new swivel and tilt operator chairs: we couldn't find them!); and many more of a similar nature and as you would no doubt expect, getting back to work in our new home on Tuesday was always going to be fun!

And just to add a little spice to events, there are two other pieces of information I should share with you to help explain the sordid little tale that follows.

(1) our new home had allocated car-parking spaces: the boss and his PA had slaved long and hard over a delightfully-drawn [by My Friend, of course!] little diagram that told us all where we should be parked; these had been distributed as we left our former home for the last time the previous Friday.

(2) by one of those unfortunate quirks that seem to forever be just around the corner, waiting to screw you over, the following day [Wednesday] we were due to deliver the first set of proofs [batch 1 of eight batches] for a new Bible we had set. And what made it interesting was that The Boss was insistent that it HAD to be right as it was the first one of what, should we get it right, would be four or five versions every year for the next seven years: there was a lot of money and prestige at stake! I, as head proof-reader, had been given the unenviable task of ensuring that all was well: the galleys would arrive from our overseas outpost [on Malta] that morning and we had only 24 hours to check it and put it right if it needed it.

So, to the tale! I arrived at work that morning later than usual [I had been there late the night before, helping with the last minute clean-up operation]. My colleague Liz had arrived before me and because she had a problem with turning the wheel of her sporty little company-provided Ford XR2 [the lock on it was horrible, it had a really huge turning circle] she was consequently well over half way into my allotted space. I simply parked alongside her, thus taking up half of Rick's space and went into the building via the Reception door.

You have to understand that I simply didn't care about status symbols, and thus never gave my actions any thought. I was simply concentrating on how on earth I was going to manage to get enough uninterrupted time to carefully check that all was well with the Bible. To that end, Liz and I had agreed that I would hide myself away in the as yet unused camera room and that she would do her best to hide my whereabouts from the myriad would-be interrupters [OK, so if I had had a brain I should have parked my car round the back against the wall where nobody could see it; LOL: 20/20 hindsight is a wonderful thing!]

As Stephen was already here, there was only half a space betwixt my car and his – thus no room for Rick to park! This wouldn't of itself have been a problem if Rick had cared about the status of his position on management row as much as I did. LOL: Unfortunately, Rick was deeply status-conscious, and also deeply upset that Stephen had been given the #2 slot next to The Boss's instead of him; thus when he arrived some ten minutes later, he was mortified to find his #3 slot half occupied by my car!

He stopped with the nose of his company car close to the rear of my car and sat there and apparently kept honking his horn. Unfortunately the Ford Escort estate's that he and Stephen drove [both company cars] had a ridiculously inefficient horn: it quacked feebly, without really being noisy. I, tucked away in the camera room, failed to hear it; and to be truthful wouldn't have bothered if I had. It did, however, attract the attention of some of our colleagues in the keyboard department and they lost no time in summoning the rest of our colleagues to witness the enthralling spectacle unfolding in the management car parking spaces!

Rick after 2–3 minutes desultory and ineffectual [other than causing much mirth among the employees] honking in his car, got out and leaving the engine running, stormed [so I was told by several mirthful onlookers later!] into the building to find me and get me to move my car. After circumnavigating the building without any joy in his quest [and getting appreciably angrier after noting the amused spectators on the first floor] he eventually found Liz and 'lost it' with her about the stupidity of people [moi, LOL] not parking properly. She calmed him down and told him to return to his car and that she would get it sorted and the cars moved, and thus restore peace and tranquillity once more [fat chance]; she managed to carry this off without revealing my cunningly hidden location.

Having sent Rick back to his car to await the rearrangement of the cars, she dashed downstairs and stormed into my hiding place, demanding my car keys without explaining why she needed them. As she was clearly uptight and in a fighting mood, I wisely handed them over without any further question – all the danger signs were there and I'd known Liz long enough to recognise them!

Whilst she was dashing to me and Rick was returning to his car The Boss had arrived, narrowly avoided pranging Rick's company Ford with his company Jaguar [that would have caused even greater hysterics amongst the staff, nearly all of whom were now watching!] and steered around it to his allotted space nearest the Reception doors.

He, like me, was oblivious to most things going on and was indeed, like me, fixated on whether I was actually checking our new Bible and whether [much more importantly], everything was OK. Thus he simply parked, ignoring Rick's empty car and made his way to his office, where he lost no time in parking his briefcase and calling my office on the new phone system [he'd noticed my car's presence and assumed I would be in my office].

He was growing more agitated by the minute, as my phone rang unanswered and was standing idly watching Rick return to his car and manoeuvre it away from his half-empty space so that my car could be moved. Unfortunately, Rick wasn't the brightest among us, thus he backed away from my car and his space till he was behind Liz's car [thus of course precluding it from being moved!]

As this unfolded, Liz had found my younger brother Denis (he was proofing); and thrown [literally, LOL] both her and my car keys at him and told him to 'Move the bloody cars!' and stormed off. Denis may not have had the advantage I had of knowing Liz for more than a dozen years, but he wasn't stupid and could recognise when his boss was in a major strop or not! Thus he wisely said nowt and went to do her bidding [he later confided that he wondered why I hadn't moved my own car!]; even though at that point he had no idea why our cars required moving!

Thus he emerged from the Reception doors to see a fuming Rick seated behind the wheel of his car, preparing to reverse it away from my car and his half-empty parking slot. Not being thick, Denis recognised the reason for the unexplained car-moving detail, and being brighter than Rick he moved to Liz's car to move it; so that he could then move mine! Unfortunately, as explained just above, Rick hadn't worked out that before my car could be removed to its allotted slot, Liz's would similarly have to be moved! Thus Denis went directly to Liz's whilst Rick was manoeuvring and having got in and started up, realised that Rick's car was now preventing him from effecting the desired strategic re-positioning; he got out and went and gently tapped on Rick's window, startling him – Rick had been watching the Reception doors waiting for me to come and move my car and had paid no attention to Denis passing him as he manoeuvered away!

It took several minutes for Denis to make Rick understand the simple facts that he had been detailed to move my car and that he couldn't do so until Liz's car had been moved [which Rick was preventing]. Whilst this latest twist was taking place, The Boss had been standing in his office watching the parking drama unfold without quite realising what the hell was going on and growing more and more irritated as I didn't answer my phone!

He heard the corridor door open though, and was quick enough to spot Liz and summon her [she was, even as he yelled her name, bitterly regretting her foolishness in passing his door!] Returning to his office, she dutifully explained where I was and why, when Ivan asked where the hell I was and why wasn't I answering my phone! She explained succinctly and he quickly hung up and after consulting the brand new extension list, dialled the camera room: his call came just as Liz poked her head around the door and apologised to me for having spilt the beans about my hiding place. I simply nodded, now knowing for sure who it was on the phone.

I picked up the phone just in time to hear my boss say: "Jesus, what the hell is going on here!" as I said "Hello". Not knowing what the boss was talking about, I wisely kept quiet and waited for a meaningful communication. The boss had heard me say 'Hello' and turned half his attention to me: "Liz told me where you were, I'm just watching Denis move Liz's car; what the hell is going on?"

"Don't you know?" I foolishly replied. "Of course I bloody don't otherwise I wouldn't have damn well asked!" Ivan snapped back at me. "Well, I don't know either. All I do know is that Liz stormed in here a few minutes before you rang and demanded my car keys; as she was obviously in a mood I decided that handing them over was the easiest option." I replied.

"I can't effing believe what I'm watching; Denis has just moved Liz's car and has now got in yours . . . he's backing it out; now – oh for crying out loud I can't believe this is happening; he's just moved your car so Rick can park in his space!" Ivan continued; I wisely [I thought] kept quiet.

"I wondered what the hell was going on when I nearly collided with Rick's car as I drove in just now." my boss finished.

"Ahh, I guess Rick was uptight about not being able to park in his space," I said as it all now became clear to me what had happened!

"Well, if you ask me, its crass stupidity; we've got more important things to worry about than bloody parking spaces!" Ivan responded.

"Anyway, what the hell are you doing down there and why didn't you transfer your phone?" he continued, without giving me pause to break in. "Well, Liz and I thought that if I wasn't around I might perhaps be left undisturbed to concentrate on checking the galleys so we can get it proofed for tomorrow. And as for transferring my phone; I bet you don't know how to do that any more than I do!" I countered.

There was a pause at the other end. I was fairly sure that he was mentally wracking his brain for how to transfer calls from one phone to another – which we both knew our new system could do! And I was equally sure that like me he didn't know, as he hadn't read the detailed manual that accompanied the phones! [Though in my case I had an alibi as the boss hadn't distributed the manuals, so I couldn't have read it; a fact I was fairly sure that even as I waited for him to reply, his brain had remembered and that he was working out how to get away without apologising to me for his outburst about my lack of forethought!]

"OK, well it is a new system," he eventually sighed, which I knew was as close as I'd get to said apology! "Anyway, how's the Bible coming along; is everything all right?" he swiftly moved back to the main area of concern for us both. "Well, its too early to say; there have been a few more interruptions than I wanted or bargained for, so I'm only just about starting." I tactfully [for me, LOL] replied. "OK, I'll come and see you in a couple of hours." Ivan said before hanging up.

I had just replaced the phone when the camera room door opened, and my younger brother, Denis, slipped in, grinning. "Rick's really pissed with you for parking in his place!" he cheerfully confided to me. "He asked me where the hell you were, and I told him that I didn't know and I'd just got your keys from your desk when Liz told me to move the cars." he continued. I was by now both amused at the way things had happened, and pleased that he'd had enough forethought not to disclose my hiding place to Rick – with luck he'd never find me!

"Great, as if I didn't have enough to worry about without Rick getting worked up about a poxy parking space!" I replied. Denis merely grinned and said "Liz said I was to come and see you every so often and get what I could of the Bible and proof it."

Thus the day continued, with Denis popping in every couple of hours to collect the next batch of galleys. I was fortunate insofar as I was right: Rick never thought to look for me in the camera room and neither did any of my other colleagues! So apart from several interruptions when Ivan anxiously dropped by to see whether all was well, I did manage to get the job done late that evening and simply left the few galleys that really needed correction to be done the next morning.

More may follow – please read the next paragraph!

OK, this is just an amusing – to me at any rate – tale. What both I and the webmaster would really like to know is: if you read it, was it of any interest? In short, does it have any place on this site? Emails with your thoughts would, in this case, be very much appreciated!

 

 

Posted: 08/31/07