Spammer by Anel Viz

“Spammer”

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(Author’s note: In keeping with the theme of Internet spam, I have not given the main character of this story a name.)

18. Tying the Knot

Hormel offered Norm a middle management position in employee relations. They were a bit leery because of his close ties with many of the workers, but knew they could rely on his staying with them. Most of their hires out of college moved on after a couple of years.

Finding a house was easy. The real estate market had bottomed out, and there were plenty available at a fraction of the price they’d have had to pay a couple of years earlier, and since they’d always rented they didn’t have to worry about unloading their old place. Norm presented his project the week before spring break, and they moved in during vacation and got the whole house set up except for Norm’s study and the guest bedroom, which they would furnish from the apartment in Winona. Between his car and Norm’s pick-up they figured they wouldn’t have to rent a trailer.

They picked out a dog and named him Spam-I-Am. Norm’s landlord didn’t allow pets in the building, but now that he’d finished his project and was able to come to Austin on weekends, they didn’t have to go looking around for a dog sitter.

He sat through Norm’s graduation ceremony, so excited he could hardly keep still and at the same time so bored by the endless speeches and listening to all the names they rattled off that he could hardly stay awake. Then they went back and emptied the apartment, loaded the vehicles, showered together, and phoned out for pizza, which they ate naked on a sheet spread out on the living room floor (he answered the door in a towel). They made love all night and headed home first thing in the morning.

They had the party in honor of Norm’s commencement and their future lives together the following weekend, just a handful of people, mostly the lunch crowd from Hormel and their spouses. No minister, no exchange of vows, just separate statements addressed to their guests of what the occasion meant to each of them. Winona was disappointed that they hadn’t written vows. They said that they didn’t need to make promises to each other and had already declared their love in private thousands of times, verbally and in other ways. (They had in semi-private, too, as she knew.)

There was a cake made to look like a gigantic block of Spam. Like newlyweds, they made the first cut together. He closed his eyes sooner than look at the damn thing, but he had Norm’s hand to guide his. Once it was all cut up, the pieces no longer bore the remotest resemblance to everyone’s but his favorite luncheon meat, and he was able to enjoy eating it.

They opened their presents after the cake. There was a gift from Joel, too, whom they’d managed to locate and had turned down the invitation. He wrote that he didn’t want to see any of the old gang, but he had an extra room for them in his apartment if they ever came up to Minneapolis.

Winona had made an album of her favorite best photos from her project, all glossy eight-by-tens, along the two best individual portraits and a handful of full frontal shots. Much to their embarrassment, the album got passed around at the party and everyone gave it, and thus them, a long and careful inspection .

Their friends all thought the photos were terrific and not in the least inappropriate. Gus said, “I can see what you guys see in each other,” and Francine commented on what she called “the unmistakable electricity between the two of you.” Patti swore that Norm had the most delicious buns in the world (he thought the photo didn’t do them justice), and Barney kept repeating, “Are you sure these ain’t been airbrushed?” The general consensus was that one in particular they should have blown up and hang it in their living room – of course the one that gave the most unobstructed view of their cocks.

Everyone wanted to hear about their honeymoon plans. “You are going to take one, of course,” Francine said.

“We thought about going on one of those Rosie cruises, but neither gay friendly nor family oriented sounds like something that would interest us.”

“A lot people from around here go to the Dells, but we stink at cards.”

“There’s always a camping trip with Spam-I-Ammer, but we do that all the time.”

“Or Mexico, but it’s hotter’n hell there in summer.”

“Or one of the national parks.”

“You could go to an ashram,” Winona suggested.

“Why would they want to spend their honeymoon in a washroom?” Barney wanted to know. “Oh, I get it.”

His wife kicked him in the ankle. “No you don’t, you Neanderthal.”

“So where are you going?” Francine asked.

“That’s our secret.”

Winona helped them clean up after the party, then went to sleep in the guest room. They locked their door to make sure she wouldn’t try to barge in on them.

They needn’t have bothered. She was perfectly happy listening to the familiar sounds of their lovemaking echo through the house.

“Spam me!”

A private joke. When one of them wanted the other to come inside him, that’s what they always said.

Posted: 01/02/09