Spammer by Anel Viz

“Spammer”

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(Author’s note: In keeping with the theme of Internet spam, I have not given the main character of this story a name.)

7. The Secret Admirer

Not for a second had he questioned Norm’s statement that he wasn’t his secret admirer. He didn’t need proof, but living with him for four months had supplied it. Whoever it was went on sending him emails, not as many and less insistent, but it was clear that the person keeping track of him and knew he had a roommate now, and that his name was Norm. He could also tell that the guy didn’t suspect they were in a sexual relationship.

He’d stopped saving them, emptied the folder and deleted it months ago, but he still read them carefully before sending them to the trash, and he’d occasionally show one to Norm if he thought it might contain a clue that would give away the author’s identity.

“You still get a kick out of these, don’t you?” Norm said.

“I deny it.”

“Well, they make me edgy. He’s watching you too closely. What if he catches on about us?”

“You don’t want me to answer him, do you?”

“I guess not. It would only encourage him, even if you told him to go fuck himself.”

“You think you could track him down. You know a lot about the Internet that I don’t. I know more about software and the machines themselves.”

“I can give it a try.”

But he couldn’t. They wouldn’t have known what to do if they found out, anyway.

They’d been using the same computer since Norm had moved in. His school computer belonged to all the kids in the family, and he’d had to leave it at his parents for his sisters to use. The way his father saw it, now that he’d graduated he could do without until he could afford one of his own. That time wasn’t far off. He could have bought himself a used one by now, but those he found were too out of date for his purposes.

So he kept the computer logged on to his account round the clock and let Norm work on it under his name and password, only switching over to read his own emails or write in his blog. That gave Norm a chance to take the bull by the horns and answer the secret admirer. While his friend was at the gym one Saturday afternoon, he opened his email and saw that the mystery man had sent another. He clicked him a reply, then opened the “sent” folder and deleted it.

This has gone on long enough. Will u stop if I tell u 2 ur face? ok, give me a place & time to meet & say how Ill know its you. Dont write 2 this addy cause my roomie reads em sometimes. use this one...

He gave a Yahoo address he’d opened just for that purpose. Before he sent it, another thought occurred to him, and he added:

Dont stop sending ur dumb emails yet. my roomy will think somethings up.

He almost blew it. Just a few minutes before his friend got home he realized that the secret admirer’s email would have the little “replied” arrow next to it. He rushed to the computer and deleted the message.

Then he got cold feet. Secret admirer answered almost immediately, but he kept putting him off, saying the place wasn’t public enough or he couldn’t make it then. Finally the guy wrote:

Now who’s the game player?

and he agreed to meet him late one evening:

Ill B there, but u still havnt sed how 2 recognize u.

That led to a quick another exchange:

– You don’t have to. I know who you are.

– Not good enuf. What if someone else comes over & starts talking to me? how do I know ur not just playing games & r gonna get off sittin there & watch me look like an idiot? Give me something 2 recognize u by. wear something diffrent like a straw hat w/ a plastic daisy

– You got it. A straw hat & a plastic daisy. & I have brown hair & a mustache.

He said he had a date that night but would probably be back early. “Just a movie. Maybe coffee after.”

The place was a bar on the other side of town. He got there way in advance to find a spot where he could watch the door without being seen and get a look at his lover’s secret admirer before he saw and recognized him. He hoped they wouldn’t ask for ID. Just in case, he ordered a cup of coffee.

Of all the rotten luck! He hadn’t been there ten minutes before Joel from work walked in the door and sat down at another table with his back to him. “This fucks up everything,” he thought. “I may as well go over and say hello and get the hell out.” But then Joel might say something at lunch about running into him there. Worse yet, if he didn’t show, Secret Admirer would write something to the usual addy. Well, maybe it would work itself out somehow or other. He’d go up to Joel, get involved in a conversation with him, then excuse himself for a second and go tell off Straw-Hat-and-a-Daisy. With luck, he could do it quietly.

He’d already stood up and had his opening line all ready – “Of all people to run into! Are you meeting Gus or someone?” – when Joel called for a beer and reached into a backpack he’d laid alongside his chair and pulled out a straw hat.

“Hey, Joel. Come here often?”

“No. I was driving by, suddenly felt thirsty, and saw their sign. Is...” His eyes scanned the room as if looking for somebody.

“Nah. He thinks I’m on a date. What’s with the funny hat?”

“Just something I found in the back seat. One of the kids must’ve left it there.” He’d taken him off guard; the guy was completely flustered.

“Looks good on you. I really should’ve said that I am on a date.”

“Huh? Where is she.”

“Not she. You. We have a date. Don’t pretend you’ve forgotten? The hat, man, the hat.”

A look of panic spread across Joel’s face. Before he could say anything, Norm went on.

“He’s not coming. He don’t know I’m here, don’t have a clue I answered your email. What made you think he would when he’s been ignoring them all this time?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t try playing innocent. I set this up to warn you that you better quite harassing my roommate...”

“Harassing!”

“OK then, stalking. Yeah, stalking. He just laughs it off, but I don’t. I don’t like it that some faggot got the idea in his head that he’s queer and won’t lay off. So lay off, understand?, or I’ll out you, you hypocritical bastard. No, don’t say anything. Just listen. I’ve saved our little cyber chats, and the only thing stopping me from printing ’em off and bringing them in to work and telling everyone how I tricked you into coming here is that I don’t want to embarrass him, because I don’t give a fuck what happens to you. Got it?”

Petrified, Joel nodded, and Norm got up and walked out without looking back.

Posted: 10/10/08