Finding Me
By: Jeremy Michaels
(© 2021 by the author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

 

Chapter 1

TJ

September, the first day of high school. The town that I now live in is not the one that I spent my formative years in. My dad came into some money, money owed him because of a war injury dad he should have received veterans disability for but through government miscommunication, he did not. It wasn’t until many years later that he received back payments totaling enough for a good down payment on a house in what today would be called the suburbs. Dad hated raising us kids in the slums of the city or so he told whoever would listen, but I knew the truth, he hated being looked down upon by those with money.

Me, I’m Thaddeus James Wilson, or TJ as my friends call me and I hate where I am living. I had tons of friends that I knew all through grade school and junior high and I was looking forward to eventually starting high school with them this week.  Instead, I’m about to enter a school where I know absolutely no one. On top of all this, I’m what you would call a nerd. I’m really smart (high IQ) but I know absolutely nothing about sports or that stuff normal teen guys my age like.

Now a little about me, the nerd. I’m sixteen and skinny as hell. My dad says if I turned sideways and stuck out my tongue I would look like a human zipper, I am that skinny at five ten. I have white blonde hair, weird eyes that roam from deep blue to a grassy green and most shades in between. The only things I have going for me are a really cute bubble butt and full, plump lips, both of which would lead me to a troublesome year ahead, I suspect.

Oh shit the first day of school. I inhale deeply and walk into the building, looking around to get my barrens and figure out how I am going to survive my first day.

“Out of my way nerd,” I hear before two hands shove me, sending me and my things flying across the hall, thus setting the theme for my school year.

As I kneel to gather together my things, I notice several pairs of shoes coming to stop around me. I look up at four guys in letterman jackets smirking down at me.

“Well what have we got here Bob?” A tall blonde boy asks.

“It looks like a new fag Bill and just look at those lips.” Bob says. “Fuck yeah, can’t you just feel those plump lips wrapping around your dick,” the dead look alike to Bill asks.

“Fuck yeah Bob and I bet he’s got a nice sweet ass just made to be fucked,” Bill reMarcs.

“What’s going on here,” a man’s voice asks sternly.

“Ah nothing sir, we were just helping the nerd … I mean new kid up,” Bill says “weren't we kid?”

Not wanting anymore trouble and seeing the ‘you had better back us up or else’ look in his eyes, I simply nod.

“Very well, now move along before the bell rings,” he orders.

I gather my things together and what’s left of my self-esteem and rise to my feet and move slowly along.

“Hi, I’m Kathy with a K and Bobby and Billy are complete assholes,” a girl says beside me. “I should know, they’re my twin cousins.”

“Hi, I’m Thaddeus but my friends call me TJ.”

We find out as we walk along that we have the same home room and our lockers are opposite each other. The day pretty much went along uneventful after my first encounter and I got introduced to a few more of Kathy’s friends all nerds like me. We had all the same classes together because we were all in advance classes in our studies. It’s a pretty good day and it won’t be until the next day that I find out how much worse my life at  this school can be.

It‘s after gym activities are over that we were told that showers are mandatory. I totally freaked out. In my new school that would have been no problem because we had individual shower stalls. But here, we have one huge communal shower which means we are all naked … together. Now to a normal, out gay boy, twenty or so naked teens would be a gay boys dream, but for a closet dwelling gay boy it’s a nightmare. I take my time when I get back to the lockers, sitting and fumbling with my sneakers before standing up to strip. I walk into the showers and the noise stops, abruptly.

“Fag alert,” a fellow classmate yells out, which, if I remember right is Bill from earlier and everyone covers their groin and begins to laugh.

Marc Simpson, the quarterback for our varsity football team comes boldly forward, stopping just inches from my face. He turns his head, looking back at the other guys and then smirks, “I hear that you are out for the job of wide receiver for the team.” I’m lost, my mind won’t work,’ I think to myself what the fuck is a wide receiver? I shrug my shoulders and turn to leave but his hands grab my shoulders and pull me back, deeper into the shower. The guys surround us, urging him on to further torment me. He pushes me to the floor, banging my knees painfully on the tile as the others tell him to feed me his cock.

“Stop, what the fuck did I ever do to you,” I yell.

“You’re a fag is what and that’s bad enough. We don’t want no fag perving on our dicks and ass,” he shouts back at me.

“Just because I’m smarter than you makes me a fag? Then being as stupid as you all are must be must make you dumber then the Neanderthal man and thus the missing link that scientists are searching for.”

Bad time for me to grow a set of balls, because he tore into me with such hatred and anger that had it not been for Mr. Carlson, the gym teacher coming into the shower, he would have seriously hurt me.

“Go get dressed, now,” he yells at the guys surrounding me, gasping when he sees the blood mixing with the water. “Simpson, did you do this to him?”

“He made a sexual pass at me and I kind of lost it. You can ask any of the guys, they saw him do it,” he lied.

“Is that true?” He asks me looking down at me.

“You wouldn’t believe me no matter what I say because these morons would lie for each other,” I say, struggling to get to my feet and he hurries to help me. “Don’t touch me, go pamper your precious jocks.” I rudely shout. I lift my head proudly up and painfully walk from the shower.

I walk to my locker, tend to my cut knees and dry off. I dress and all the while I’m doing this, you could hear a pin drop, it was that quiet. With my head up I walk out of the locker room and when my gym teacher comes towards me, I hold up my hand, flip him the finger and walk out of the gym. I go to my locker, grab my things and leave the building. I spend the next half hour walking around with my head down, crying softly over how unfair my life. When I get home and walk into the house my father is instantly pissed off when he sees my face. “Now what the fuck did you do,” he yells pulling me by my shirt to him.

 “Why must you always think the worst about me?” I ask but his answer is always the same, a backhand across the face.

I simply nod, he’s just like everyone else at my school, as stupid as a box of rocks.. I go to my room that I share with my younger brother, Dennis and flop down on my bed crying. “Does it say gay on my forehead,” I wonder as I fall to sleep. 

Mathew and the next day

My heart went out to TJ yesterday, he didn’t deserve what the guys did to him in the shower, much less beat him up. I wanted to help him, but if I did the guys would have turned on me like they did with him. Instead, I hurried out of the shower when no one was looking and got Mr. Carlson. I like TJ, I find him cute and funny, but if I were to befriend him, I’d be ostracized by my peers.

“How you doing TJ,” I ask quietly, making sure that no one is around.

“Why the fuck do you care?” He snaps.

“Cause I do care, you didn’t deserve what happened to you yesterday.”

 He looks at me with eyes so deep a blue that they appear black, as if seeing through me to my soul and he slowly smiles at me. Although his eye is swollen, black and blue, there’s an inner beauty radiating through his eyes and straight at me.

“Your teammates are going to be showing their ugliness soon, so you better not stick around here.” He tells me and as I start to walk away, he touches my arm. “I like to hang out at Muddy Creek after school at the big rock,” he says and then turns to open his locker, our conversation over.

TJ

Other than my circle of misfits, everyone else stays away from me. Even though I’m having a quiet and peaceful day, I can still hear the whispers and see the looks. At gym time, I go to the library instead of gym class, preferring a flunking grade for the day then another round of humiliation. The final bell of the day rings,  I grab my book and walk towards the door.

******* 

“TJ,” Mrs. Lincoln, the librarian says and I pause by her desk. “I heard through the whisper mill what happened to you yesterday. I’m so sorry and I really think that you should take this to the principal.”

“Thank you for your concern, Mrs. Lincoln, but if Mr. Carlson didn’t deem it worthy of the principal’s attention, why should I? Besides, you and I both know what good that would do.” I can see here worry and concern in her eyes so I sigh and continue. Okay, let’s say the principal did believe me and took my side, do you know how much hatred that would cause for me? Most of my classmates hate me now and they don’t even know me, so thank you but no thank you, let’s leave it be.” I turn to go but pause at the door turning towards her saying, “thank you for caring, Mrs. Lincoln,” I say and she nods.

I follow the narrow path through the woods that takes me to my private place. It’s nothing special, just a small creek meandering through the woods and filling little bowls with deeper water on its way to the river. I find my rock, that one huge flat rock where the sun breaks through the trees and is shining on it. I place my backpack beside the rock and climb atop the rock, lying back to absorb the late afternoon sun. I’m almost dozing when I sense the air changing around me. I lift my head and see Mathew coming down the path.

 “Hey TJ, mind some company,” he asks.

“Are you sure it’s safe for you to be here with me? I ask. “You wouldn’t want your friends to see you with me.”

“No one knows that I’m here, but the real question is, am I safe here with you?”

The question catches me totally off guard and I shrug my shoulders. He sets his backpack beside mine and joins me on the rock. 

“Your not afraid or embarrassed to be seen with a fag,” I ask not looking at him.

“I’m not afraid of you TJ, nor am I embarrassed, but are you …  gay,” he asks, his head resting in his hand as he lies on his side with his head in his hand and staring down at me.

“Do you want me to be, Mathew,” I ask without flinching or turning away, but looking directly into his eyes.

The quiet that passed between is deafening but I continued to hold his eyes with mine, waiting for his answer.

“Yes,” he finally whispers and lowers his mouth slowly towards mine, stopping a breath away from my lips hoping that I will grab the imaginary ball that he’s passed to me. I place my hand behind his head and bring his mouth that breath’s distance to mine. Our kiss is tender and yet it holds a world of possibilities.

 “I don’t deserve this TJ, I don’t deserve you.”

I sigh because I know how exasperating it can be, to be a gay teen hiding among straight teens. My old friends knew me, knew my sexual orientation and they accepted me mostly. Although I lost a few that were so called friends, when push came to shove my true friends stood by me. That is why it was so hard for me to make this transition from my old neighborhood to this one.

“Mathew, I understand the position that you’re in, I really do. You grew up with all these guys, they’re your friends. I’m just a new kid that moved into this town that doesn’t fit in. I’m brains no brawn, so tell me, tell me where do I fit in?”

“I can’t answer that, but everyone fits in somewhere. So where does this leave what we just found?”

“It leaves you on the down low while I continue to be the school punching bag I guess.”

“Is that fare for you, fuck no. I’ve known that I was gay ever since I was ten and saw my oldest brother naked. All I wanted to do then was suck his cock, but I knew how wrong that was. Now I walk the school halls with a cutie on my arm so others won’t suspect my secret. You know how hard it is standing naked in the shower with all your… oh fuck TJ, I’m so sorry that was so insensitive of me.”

“Don’t sweat it, I understand what you’re saying, I really do.” I know how hard he’s struggling to walk that fine line between pretending to be straight and yearning to be actively gay, I really do. So I smile and look at him and say, “Now here’s what we are going to do. This is a pretty secluded place and most people, if any, know about this spot. We can meet here for whatever time we can until the weather turns cold and it will be our secret,” I tell him and seal it with a kiss.

We kiss for a while longer before our teen hormones kick in and we remove our clothes. His body is muscular in all the right places and he carefully covers mine with his as I wrap my legs around him.

“I’ve never done this before, have you? He asks looking down at me.

“A couple of times and it’s no different than fucking a girl, only a different hole.” I assure him. 

As we kiss he maneuvers his cock to my hole and while gazing into my eyes, he slowly pushes in. Inch by inch he pushes forward until his balls come to rest against my ass.

“You’re so tight,” he says wiggling his ass around as he seats his cock.

“Now fuck me, handsome,” I tell him and he lifts up and begins to withdraw.