The List

By: Jonothan Wolf
(© 2012 by the author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 14
Frank

Specimen's name: Frank

Height: 6'4''

Build: 240, built

Age: 24

Occupation: Property Manager

Measurements: 7''

I was shaken awake by Spencer. At some point after I'd dozed off again, I had rolled over so that I was facing Dalton and breathing heavily into his ear. My arm was around his back and his fist gripped my morning wood. In the split second that I was awake but not coherent, I bucked my hips back and forth slowly, creating a hand job friction that I'm sure Dalton wasn't even aware of. It felt really good until I realized that Spencer was still shaking me.

I opened my eyes quickly and let out a "What?" Dalton turned his head so that he was facing where my head had just been.

"We need to get out of here," Spencer said. "Now. Let's go."

"What happened?" I asked. "What the fuck happened?"

"I'll explain in the car," he said. "Our ride is outside waiting. Grab your shit; let's go."

I looked around for my clothes. I saw a pair of jeans that looked like mine but could have easily been someone else's. I grabbed them and put them on. I grabbed my jacket, realizing I didn't have a shirt on, took it off and grabbed the nearest shirt I could find. It said "Rush BETA SIG" on it in bold blue and black letters. I didn't care that it obviously belonged to the upper-classmen I'd inadvertently screwed last night. I pulled my jacket on, picked up my shoes and ran outside to meet Spencer.

For some reason, I thought Spence had called us a cab or something, not realizing how little sense that made on a Saturday morning. Instead, I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a familiar black BMW waiting on the street. Sitting in the front seat and wearing a pair of Ray-Bans was Kyle Wriggs.

"You called Kyle?" I asked as Spencer and I walked down the sidewalk to the road.

"What choice did I have?" he said to me. I wished I had taken the time to put my shoes on. "I thought ya'll talked it out?"

"Doesn't mean I'm ready to see him," I replied. Spencer got into the front seat and I crawled into the back. It took all of my strength and energy not to lie down and die right there in Kyle's backseat.

"Ya'll look good this morning," Kyle said as he pulled away.

"Thanks," I responded coldly.

"Anyone gonna tell me what happened?" he asked after a few minutes. "Spencer? Coop? Inquiring minds would like to know."

"You'd have to ask Spencer for all of the details," I responded. "I lost my memory somewhere between a hot tub and a hand job."

"It was the biggest mess I'd ever seen," Spence said. "I don't know how you and Dalton started going at it, and I don't know how you convinced Rachel to join in, but when I walked into Dalton's room and saw Coop here getting head from his girlfriend while making out with Dalton, who was fucking her from behind, I almost lost it. I literally almost died."

As Spencer talked, I pulled my hand up to my head and shook it. What? Head from Rachel? Making out with Dalton? What the fuck had happened last night. I was desperately trying to put the pieces back together when Kyle, laughing, asked me if I remembered anything.

"Yeah," I said, starting from where I did remember. "On our way to the pool, Dalton asked me if it was true that guys give better head."

"Seriously?" Kyle asked. "Just like that?"

"I know," I replied. "And of course I told him yes they do. And then I said he'd be lucky if he found out and he told me I'd be lucky if I got to show him."

I paused, realizing that I was about to tell my very recent ex about my even more recent sex. I thought about asking him if he wanted me to continue, but he beat me to the punch.

"And then..." he asked. I guessed free love Kyle was back.

"And then we went to the hot tub. I remember chugging more beer and convincing everyone that beer and champagne were the next great cocktail."

Spencer interrupted me. "And then you said you needed to pee. I remember, you got up and went inside the house and then a couple of minutes later you came back, doing a little pee dance, thingy. And you said you couldn't find the bathroom and you needed help."

"Oh yeah," I started, getting the memory back. "And Dalton came inside and said he'd help me! And I said `help me with what?' and he asked if it was big enough that it took two people and I said `no, just two hands'."

"You're joking, right?" Kyle asked, pulling closer to the familiar streets of University Park.

"Believe me, I wish I was," I continued. "So I go pee and I come out and he's waiting for me and he says `so what about that show and tell?' and I ask what he's talking about and he says the blowjob. And I just followed him to his room and started sucking him off."

I was one part embarrassed and one part proud. Dalton was an upper-classmen frat-star in one of the big four. And I'd successfully pulled him in. On the other hand, I felt like a huge slut for doing it, and even worse for having to relive it in front of Kyle.

"So how did the girl get involved?" Kyle asked. I honestly had no clue. At that point Spencer took over the story.

"Not sure," Spencer said. "But after you and Dalton didn't come back for a few, Rachel went inside to look for you. And when she didn't come back, Zoe and I decided we were going to go inside and crash and poor Tom went next door. So I walk into Dalton's bedroom, I guess, because that's where I figured you were, and what do I see? You were on your knees, stuffing your dick into this poor girl's mouth. She was getting jackhammered by Dalton and you had Dalton's head pulled into yours and ya'll were making out like there was no tomorrow. He was twisting your nipples, or something weird. The whole thing was like Eyes Wide Shut, I couldn't deal with it."

"Oh my god," I remembered. "I know what happened. I was giving Dalton a blow job, and he kept saying it was the best thing ever. And then his girlfriend walked in just as he was about to shoot. And he's like coming in my mouth, I'm petrified because I see her, but I don't want to let go of his cock and get cum all over my face. And so I let him finish, he's moaning and saying "oh god man, that was the fucking best." And then he turns and sees her and pushes me off. And what do I say? Like a genius?" I paused. "I say `so, I don't see why we have to make this awkward.'"

"No," Kyle said, swerving the car a little.

"Oh my god," Spencer said. "Those words did not come out of your mouth?"

"Yes," I said. "I remember. I looked her right in the eye and said it."

"You might be the world's biggest slut," Spencer said.

"I second that emotion," Kyle chimed in laughing. I was kind of surprised how he was taking this so lightly.

"Okay, so she just looks at me and says, `I've never been able to make him cum just from head' and I remember saying something like `you just need the right tutor' or something. And so we both go down on him right after and I start giving her a fellatio lesson right there, on her boyfriend. Yep, that's what happened."

At this point, we were pulling into the parking garage. I realized it was almost nine, meaning I had an hour to shower, get dressed and make it to north campus in time to meet up with Riley.

"Well it sounds like you two boys had quite a fun night," Kyle said, rounding the corner towards his parking spot. "Coop, I hope you didn't catch anything. Spence, I'll see you in C-Ville later this week."

I got out of the car, feeling more shame than ever before. I was about to go upstairs and write in the list about my first ever bonifide walk of shame and how my ex-boyfriend had to pick me up for it.

"Coop, hold on," I heard Kyle say as I was walking towards my building. He lived in the opposite direction but had followed me for some reason. "Listen, I want to see you over break. Let's meet for dinner or something."

I thought about it for a split second. I knew that even though I was recommitting to the single life, I would miss Kyle and want to see him.

"Yeah," I said. "Of course. We'll plan something together."

I blitzed through a shower, the whole time thinking how much fun I'd had even though I didn't remember it. While I was writing yesterday's messy situation into the list, I thought about how much I wanted to return to the single life. I loved Kyle, but this little break from him was the perfect opportunity to sew some more oats and collect some more specimens. Until I could trust him again, I was determined to enjoy myself with no strings attached.

I went via the Student Union to get some coffee and then hightailed it north towards Riley's building. He had told me that they had a computer lab in the basement next to their laundry room, so when he wasn't in his bedroom, I checked there.

"Well, it's about time," he said jovially. I handed him a coffee and apologized for being late.

"I just got here," he said. "No worries." I could tell he was going out of his way to avoid any awkwardness between us. I was totally fine with that.

We worked on the paper first, taking the bullets and notes the girls had emailed us and organizing them into sections. After that, I took the sections and turned them into full sentences and paragraphs while Riley took the bullets and formatted them for Power Point. The whole process took us three hours of just sitting there and working, not getting distracted by anything and not really talking much. Seven pages later, I asked if he was ready to break.

"Let's go grab some lunch," he said. "What are you in the mood for?"

"I'm indifferent," I said, wondering just what I could hold down at that point. My hangover had evolved from cerebral to digestive and all I really wanted was grease to line my insides. We settled on splitting a pan of pepperoni pizza at Uno's off of Preston.

"So," he said, between bites. "You look pretty rough this morning."

"I feel like 80 percent of our conversations start with you telling me how rough I look," I told him, smiling. I was honestly really glad that he wasn't holding a grudge against me for walking out.

We small-talked for a while as I padded my digestive tract with oily, cheesy goodness in the vain attempt to undo some of last night's damage.

"I was thinking about the other night," he said out of nowhere. I looked up at him, met by the deep blue eyes. "And I just wanted to say I'm sorry for putting you in that corner." I nodded at him and he continued. "I took advantage of your vulnerability and I'm sorry about that."

I instantly went from feeling fat to feeling bad. I didn't intend to make Riley feel guilty. I was just annoyed at myself for falling into the same pattern twice and knew if I didn't make myself clear, I'd be breaking up with another boyfriend in a couple of months all over again.

"Look," I said. "Don't feel bad about anything. I'm the one that used you to get over Kyle, and I`m sorry."

"The truth is, Cooper," he replied. "I really do like you and I don't know how to do this whole thing. I'm not really used to- I dunno, I just. There's something about you, Cooper that draws people in. That draws me in and I'm not used to feeling like that, so forgive me for acing like an idiot."

I tried to think about what he was saying without being completely conceited. I guess people did like me. I mean, I won over David who was a senior, half of the Sigma gay clan and another random assortment of guys who I honestly considered out of my league. I attributed my success to channeling Spencer's energy that I'd picked up from living with him, but maybe I did have a natural charisma that guys found attractive. I'd never taken the time to think about it.

I decided that I owed Riley a big compliment, too, so I told him that he was the sweetest guy I'd been with and that I was glad he didn't hold it against me when I freaked out on him. As we talked, I realized how much I did like Riley. He was a good guy.

"What was I going to do?" he asked. "Find a different presentation partner?"

We finished our meal, paid, and left. Back in the lab, it was business as usual, only this time we kept cracking jokes with each other. We were amazed at how poorly Kim and Samantha spelled things.

"Honestly," he teased behind their back. "It's their, there, and they're. How hard is that?"

"Not as bad as the I before E problems in `inconceivable'," I replied.

"Exceptions, people, exceptions. Did no one else have School House Rock?"

Three hours, three pages, and three edits later, our paper was ready to turn in and our presentation looked like Steve Jobs himself had put it together. I knew everything I ever wanted to know about Ireland and their beef with Great Britain and how writers had captured that tension in the mood of their short stories.

As I was loading my backpack, I realized that I'd had a really great time with Riley. He was fun, and sweet, and his eyes always made me melt. Being in close quarters with him again warmed me up to him. And even though I had just made a commitment to the single life, one more romp with this ultra passionate guy wouldn't hurt. My back still hurt from last time and I loved it.

"We finished ahead of schedule," he said. "Let's celebrate with some fro-yo.

"I have a better idea," I said, resolving to embrace the spirit of singleness. "Let's go celebrate upstairs." I gave him the smile I knew worked well on guys. It was a sort of `you know you want to' grin, and I could see him falling for it.

"Are you sure you want to?" he asked. "I might ask you where this is going again when we're done." He smiled at me and I laughed. I followed him upstairs.

The best thing about having sex with someone you know you're about to have sex with is that there isn't that moment of awkwardness to start it off. When you have a new sex partner, there's a few minutes of tentativeness, of wondering how fast and how far you can go.

With Riley, that had already evaporated. We rode the elevator in silence. Walked to his room in silence and when we were finally inside, the silence condensed into sexual tension. No permission required, we tore our own clothes off, climbed into his bed, and started making out with absolutely no pretense.

I could tell that at the beginning, Riley was trying not to be so rough with me. Instead of digging his nails over my chest as we rubbed our slick cocks around on each other, he just pushed down with his fingers. We made out for several minutes, feeling each other get harder and harder, before he took my cock in his hand, he whispered, "I want this," and then slid down and took it in his mouth.

As soon as my dick was in Riley's warm, wet mouth, I let out a sigh, grabbed the back of his head, and pushed him down. I looked down at him and watched him swallow my shaft, and a minute later, he met my gaze with his big blue eyes.

The second that we made eye contact, I felt something. Involuntarily, completely beside myself and against the spirit of singleness, I felt something. As quickly as it came, I tried desperately to push it away. This wasn't supposed to be about feeling things, this, with Riley, was supposed to be about sex- I'd made that clear after our last conversation. But something in his eyes had power over me, and when he looked up at me, the feeling of pleasure and `something' got mixed up and it hit me.

I wanted it to end quickly and last forever at the same time. After that feeling, I wanted to be at home, in my bed, with Spencer, contemplating what I had or hadn't felt.

I pulled Riley's head off of my cock, smiled at him and asked if he was ready. He gave me a dirty smile and crawled up to straddle my body. I tried my hardest not to look him in the eye anymore, as he guided a condom over my cock and slowly pulled my cock to his ass. At first, he started riding it facing away from me, making the eye avoid easy. I just watched his back flex and his hips bounce up and down on my pole, creating the familiar friction I never got tired of.

A few minutes later, he stopped short, just as my legs were beginning to tense up, and he turned around. He leaned back so that he was stretched almost as long as I was and began lifting himself up and down. I joined in with my own thrusts and lost myself in my own world of fucking. All I was aware of was the hot warm sensation that his ass enveloped me with and the faint "ugh," coming from Riley's corner.

Again, just as my legs were beginning to get weak and my toes were starting to curl, Riley stopped humping. It was like he had a radar for orgasm and he was determined to edge me out until I absolutely exploded. I was wondering what position he wanted next, praying it wasn't missionary- there was no way to avoid eye contact there- and was glad when he just started bouncing on me, cowboy style.

If he had been holding himself back, now was the time to let loose. He dug into my chest with his hands and truly went to work, riding up and down forcefully as I lay there helpless under him. A second later, he grabbed my back and pulled me up so that we were both in a sort of sitting position. He hugged me close and as our chests touched, I felt that I was deeper inside of him than ever before.

"Ugh, god," he practically screamed into my ear. I felt the claws clasp my back and I let my head roll back in exchange. A minute into this position, and Riley became too deep and too tight for me. I let out a grunt of my own, I twitched just a little and a second later, I was falling back and coming hard.

I didn't realize I was drenched in sweat and that we'd been going at it for a solid forty minutes until I pulled out, threw the condom in the trash and saw what time it was.

"God," Riley said. "That was a-fucking-mazing. You really know what you're doing, Cooper."

Spoiler alert, I thought. I really don't.

Without much explanation, I got dressed, still trying to catch my breath.

"Do you always run out on guys who give you good sex?" he asked me as I was pulling my sweater on and grabbing my backpack.

"I thought we weren't gonna do this," I said. I realized that my words were actually pretty harsh, so I added, trying to sound cute: "It's when I stay that you should get worried, sir," I said. I realized that I hadn't said sir to anyone except Kyle and I immediately thought of him. That felt like our thing. I kissed Riley quickly, grabbed my bag and left.

As I was walking back to my dorm room, I thought about a dozen things at once and it wasn't until I started sorting them out that I came to any conclusions.

First, what I was doing to Riley wasn't fair to him. He clearly wanted more from me, and I didn't have as much to give him. He wanted me to stay. I kept leaving. But he liked me, so he wouldn't protest. The fact that he slept with me today meant that I had him wrapped, and I didn't like being that guy.

On the other hand, we were all big boys here. If he wanted more, he should demand more, I thought. He didn't have to jump in the sack with me this afternoon- I mean, we just talked about this not being a thing. He could have held out and said no. I could tell that, because he cared so much, he had the kind of heart that was easy to break.

On the third hand, I couldn't deny the feeling I got when I really took the time to look at him. It was like deep down inside, I knew I should like Riley. On paper, he was perfect, and my body was responding to that. That flash of infatuation indicated that he was the kind of person I could see myself dating- funny, smart, cute, devoted and sexual as hell. The seed had been planted and it scared me.

But there was one thing standing right in the way of me taking that flash of feeling for Riley and turning it into something more. That thing was Kyle. He was ruining me in the best way possible. I couldn't even kiss someone else without thinking about him. I was quickly discovering that he was all over me: in my head, under my skin, tattooed to my heart, as corny as that sounds.

After sorting all of that out, I came to the conclusion that I needed to rid myself of feelings completely. I'd tried to use Riley to get over Kyle and that had backfired because I started feeling for Riley. I didn't want to be in that place right now. So I needed to find someone to fuck that I wouldn't develop feelings for. I needed to go back to packing my list full of names and not giving a flying fuck- living the single life and actually living it. I needed to get Riley and Kyle out of my system and I knew exactly where to go for the relationship colonic I was looking for.

"There's no way you have sex just to have sex," Spencer said after I explained to him what I was planning. I was digging around our room for Dalton's "RUSH BETA SIG" shirt. My plan was to go over there to "return it" and then see if he maybe wanted another blow job- one that I would remember this time. That would accomplish what I'd tried to accomplish with Riley- it would be the Beta flavored sexual sorbet I desperately needed to clear my head.

"You're wrong," I said to Spencer. "I have to do this. This falling into relationship traps has gone too far. I'm in, I'm out and then I'm single again." I held up the shirt and grinned at Spencer. "I'm single again."

"Good luck," he said skeptically.

The words sounded good to me, and when I hopped into my car and followed the familiar path south of downtown, I honestly thought I could do it. Liking boys had gotten me hurt. It was time to try something new.

When I got to the brownstone, I pushed back the image of Riley's eyes and the feeling that had accompanied them. If I didn't act quickly, I'd be wearing his letterman jacket in a couple of weeks and that wasn't what I wanted at all.

I knocked on the door hoping that Dalton would answer; I'd flirt with him for a minute, give him his shirt and then proposition him. Sexual sorbet- no big deal.

Instead, someone else answered the door. A guy that was by far the tallest I'd ever seen in my life. He stood there with a full five o'clock shadow, dark hair parted to the side and hanging loosely, dark features to match and a bare chest that had a layer of grizzly hair on it. I'd never been attracted to hairy guys before, but the fuzz on this guy just seemed to fit.

I noticed immediately that he looked too old to be in college. He had to have been at least 24 or 25 and I wondered what he was doing there. The second thing I noticed was a slight dimple on one of his cheeks. It was weird because when he answered the door, he wasn't smiling, but the dimple was still there.

"Hi," I stammered. "Um, I'm looking for Dalton. Is, um, is he here?"

"So you're one of the guys that caused the mess in here last night," he said, opening the door to me. His voice was deep but not too deep and he kind of reminded me of Dean Cain. "Come in."

"I, um, didn't mean to bother you or anything," I said with slight anxiety. "I just wanted to drop this off for him, tell him something and then be out of here."

"Let me check if he's upstairs for you," he said. I watched him put a broom down and walk up the stairs, keeping my eyes glued to his back muscles as they moved.

I wondered who the hell this guy was. My first thought was maybe an older brother, but why would an older brother be cleaning? Maybe he was hired help, but why would these guys hire such a sexy cleaning guy? Maybe he was the property owner and he liked to make sure his houses were well taken care of.

"He's not up in his room," he said bounding down. I kept myself from staring at his chest, but barely. "I can take the shirt."

"Um, yeah," I said. "That'd be great."

I handed him the shirt, but I didn't want to leave. This vision was singlehandedly curing my serial dating disorder. I thought quickly of something to say that would keep me in the house without sounding like a weirdo.

"Do you live here too?" I asked. "I thought I'd met all of the roommates last night."

"I live in the attic space upstairs and rent the rest out to the guys," he said. Bingo. Property manager. "And I get to charge them nice maintenance fees when things like you happen."

I nodded. Shit, I thought, how do I keep this conversation going? So he wasn't in the fraternity but he lived there. Without thinking, I decided to say something somewhat suggestive. What did I possibly have to lose?

"I hope Dalton and I didn't make too much noise for you last night," I said, seeing if he'd take the bait.

"Actually," he said with a sort of smirk that made his dimple more pronounced. I was intrigued that his other cheek didn't have one. "You and Dalton were pretty quiet. It was when the girlfriend joined that things started getting loud."

I suddenly felt really embarrassed. He'd heard everything. Why had he been listening? I gave him a sheepish smile, and when I didn't respond he added, "So which one are you? The guy who gives the best head he's ever had or the guy who joined in later?" I was thrown at how cavalierly this guy was talking about it. He'd grabbed his broom and was sweeping kitchen debris again.

"I guess I'm best head," I confessed, my embarrassment melting into horniness. Coming over here was the best idea I'd ever had. I couldn't help but think that I'd hit the feelings eraser jackpot with this one. I was confident I could convince this guy to let me have a go at it, and even if I couldn't, I'd have jerk off material in my mind until I was completely over Riley and Kyle.

"Well you must be really popular up there at SMU, then," he said. I could feel my eyes boring holes into him and I prayed he couldn't feel me staring. I couldn't remember the last time I was so physically attracted to someone. I decided it was now or never, so I said the most suggestive thing I could think of.

"If you want, I could be really popular here, too," I said, cocking my eyebrow and channeling that sexiness Riley was so convinced I had. I really had no clue where I was getting this Leo Giamanni inspired material.

The guy stopped sweeping. He looked at me with a sort of furrowed brow and I was nervous that I'd offended him or something. I didn't honestly think he was gay, but who doesn't appreciate a good blow job? Especially one that comes with such high praise.

Then I noticed that the furrowed brow wasn't anger. He was thinking. This ultra-masculine guy with his huge hairy chest that tapered into a cute waist was considering letting me go down on him. If this didn't wash Kyle and Riley out of my hair, I had no clue what would.

"Come over here," he said. I walked around the island to where he was standing. "Let's see if you're as good as Dalton made it seem last night."

I was thrown by a couple of things. One, I was actually about to do this. I was actually about to suck off the hottest hairy older guy I'd ever seen. Two, he wanted me on my knees right there in his kitchen. Fuck, I thought. What if the Betas came home and saw me nodding off their live-in land lord? I'd definitely get a reputation then.

The third thing I thought about was what Kyle would think if he saw me now. I pushed one, two and three out of my mind and cupped the guy's package in my hand and gave him a smile.

I could tell he was still soft, so I rubbed it for a little while, taking in the guy's beauty and scent. My face came up to about his shoulder and I fought the urge to lick it, afraid that would be too much for him.

"You just gonna stand there and touch it or are you going to get to work?" he asked me.

I took that as my cue, got down on my knees on the linoleum floor and undid the button fly jeans. They reminded me of the jeans that Kyle wore. Stop thinking, I told myself.

As soon all five buttons were undone, I pulled out the seven inch cock and licked the head a little bit, hoping it would get hard sooner rather than later. I'd never been faced with getting a flaccid dick hard before sucking it, and to be honest, it looked kind of weird to me.

"So far I've had better," he said. Kinda rude, I thought. Instead of backing down, I put the whole thing in my mouth and sucked in hard. I immediately felt it start to grow and harden in my mouth. I felt the guy's leg shift to steady himself. What about now? I wanted to ask him.

I kept his dick in my mouth, using my tongue to swirl around the head. I wasn't sure what moves I'd done last night to rile Dalton up, seeing as how I was blackout for that whole encounter, but I just focused on doing what Kyle did to me to get me off quickly.

Before long, I felt the stud above me start to move his hips back and forth. I read him as the type that liked to be in control, so I let him grab my shoulder and start thrusting in and out of my face. As he did that, I made sure the underside of his cock was rubbing against my tongue.

I guessed he was a little nervous about the Betas walking in too because he went from zero to sixty in no time at all. After pumping in and out of my face for a couple of minutes, he pushed my head back, climbed up onto the counter and told me to get up. I stood up, walked to the island and bent over, taking all of his cock in my mouth again.

As I sucked him, I forced myself to think of nothing. I didn't think of Kyle and how much I felt for him. I didn't think about Riley and how he'd picked up the pieces that Kyle had broken and I didn't think about Spencer who would have been ashamed at me for blowing some guy I didn't know just to get over two guys that I did. But so far, anonymity was better than familiarity, so instead of thinking, I sucked the strange out of this stranger.

Five minutes into this new position, just as my jaw really started to feel the girth of this guy's dick, I felt his body tense.

"Where do you want it?" he asked me. Instead of answering, I just kept my lips wrapped around his dick. A second later, my mouth was filled with warm, smoky cum.

I was glad the sink was right there, because this guy certainly didn't taste as good as Kyle or Riley and so as soon as he was done coming, I stood up, leaned over to the sink and spit it out.

"Wow," he said, running his hands over his face. "Thank you, man. My name's Franky and you know where I live if you ever want another big load like that."

Not gonna happen, I thought. I'd never been thanked for sex before and for some reason, it made me feel cheap. I left the shirt on the counter, walked out of the house as quickly as I could while still making small talk and listened to Franky tell me how well I had done.

On the drive home, I realized I'd made a huge mistake. Running from my feelings wasn't the answer. I could forgive Kyle and get back to where we were. I could explore this thing with Riley without committing to anything. At this point, it wasn't about forsaking both guys. It was a matter of making a choice between them.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to make any big decisions that week as final exams and projects took up most of my time.

On Sunday, my team rehearsed our presentation and we were good to go.

On Monday, we actually presented our English finals to the class. Ours was by far the most polished. I didn't think other groups broke up the work like we did, or that they practiced speaking like we had. Some groups were fun to watch because one person clearly knew all of the material and the other three just kind of stood around and nodded. What a difference an hour on a Sunday makes. I was sure we'd aced it.

I pulled an all-nighter on Monday with Spencer. He had his physics paper to write and I had a history term paper to research and a political science exam to study for. Luckily, The Federalist Papers had been used in both classes, and so I cross-studied for both using Publius and his democratic expertise.

I took my political science exam on Wednesday, and right after, I had lunch with Spencer, who drove home after that. His family was spending two weeks in Aspen before Christmas, so even if I did drive up to Colleyville to see Kyle, I wouldn't get to see Spencer. We hugged it out and he left, leaving me feeling empty and friendless.

I decided to stay up all night on Wednesday and finish the history paper. I turned it in at 6 a.m. on Thursday and immediately passed out to sleep. It was the second week of December and flurries of snow were falling outside and I was officially finished with my first semester of college.

When I was packing to drive home, I thought about Kyle. I thought about how different I was from before I'd met him. He'd changed my perception of the perfect relationship. The problem was, although 90 percent of what I thought about was how perfect Kyle had been, whenever I continued thinking too long, the thoughts of his betrayal kept pushing in.

I knew I didn't want to face him until I had truly forgiven him. If I hopped over to his room right now and we got back into our groove, I'd never be able to wholly trust him again. I'd always, in the back of my mind, wonder if I'd made the right decision.

I didn't start to miss Kyle until the Sunday before Christmas. I had four days to find my brother a present, and I decided it was time to swallow my pride and call in the big guns (at my house, we did Secret Santa and I pulled Dylan that year. The minimum was 100 bucks and the maximum was a cool 200. I had planned to get him a snazzy new phone, but my parents had beat me to the punch for his birthday).

I had been texting Kyle on and off all break, and he kept asking when I wanted to meet up for coffee or lunch or something, and I thought that now, in my holiday desperation, was as good a time as any.

Thinking, I could turn this into something really cute, I called Spencer, who was still in Aspen with his family and told him to see what Kyle was doing on Monday.

He called me back, saying Kyle would be home with no plans.

"What is this all about?" Spencer asked.

"I want to surprise him," I confessed. I knew Spencer would be happy that I was finally making the effort to forgive Kyle.

"You're going to Colleyville?" he asked me. "Stay until Tuesday when I get back and we'll have dinner." I thought about it and packed a duffle bag just in case.

The next morning, I loaded my Camry and told my mom I was going to Dallas to shop for my person and that I'd either be back later that night or I'd crash on campus if the roads got bad. She was keen on the idea of me staying in Dallas for the night because the weather had been tricky and she worried about the hour and a half drive if it got too late.

I hit the road. One pit stop and two hours later, I pulled up in front of Chateau Wriggs. I sent him a text.

To Kyle: Come outside.

A minute later, I saw him open the door, look around and smile from ear to ear when he saw my silver Camry parked next to his mailbox.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he asked me after we'd hugged. There was a brief moment when he leaned in for a kiss and I hesitated, and then I leaned in for one, but the moment was so gone.

"I wanted to surprise you," I said. "Actually, I'm in dire need of your assistance." As we walked into his house, I told him that I really needed his help finding something for my brother.

Kyle agreed to help me, and ten minutes later he'd changed clothes and I was sitting shotgun in his car on the way to the outlet strip in Addison.

"So sir, how has home been," he asked me as we got on the freeway and headed north. I told him that home was fine. My brother and sister kept teasing me under the table about suddenly being a raging homo. I told them I would talk to my mom and dad about it soon, but every time I resolved to do it, I chickened out.

"Just do it," Kyle said. "They'll love you anyway, I promise."

We talked about Kyle's break for a while. His dad had been MIA since he'd gotten home two weeks earlier. Apparently, he had some client issues that were taking him back and forth from Houston to California almost every day. It was getting so bad, his parents had discussed getting an apartment in Houston.

"He's obviously going to be here for Christmas," Kyle said, sounding less than confident. "And we're all supposed to take a trip to Aspen for New Years, but I'm not sure it's going to happen."

"Well if you end up not going," I said, not thinking about my words. "You should come down and spend New Years with me."

Kyle looked at me and smiled. I wasn't sure inviting him to spend a national holiday with me was sending the best message, but I couldn't deny how fun it be. Even after not being together for three weeks, it felt like in that half hour on our way to the shopping district in Addison, that we had totally gotten our groove back. It was like we were picking up where we had left off.

"I'd like that," Kyle said, and I smiled back at him.

When we got to the outlet mall, we went straight into Ralph Lauren. I thought at first there was no way I'd be able to afford anything for my brother there, but it turned out the outlet was considerably cheaper than the showroom at the Galleria or their regular stores.

"This is where Spencer and I get all of our clothes," he said to me like it was a big secret.

We shopped around and I thought, with Dylan graduating from college in May, he'd need a starter suit for work. One look at a 300 dollar navy jacket, though, and I knew I couldn't afford to buy him a whole suit.

"Let's just see, you never know," Kyle said to me. "It might be on sale or something. What size is Dylan?"

"He's about my size," I said. "Actually, just a couple of inches taller, but we wear the same waist."

"Okay," Kyle said. He called over a salesperson and had them pull a
31 pant and the matching jacket. The guy came over, handed us the clothes and said to call him if we needed anything. "Try it on."

"I'm not trying it on," I said. "I can't afford that for Dylan, and even if I could, I don't even know if he'd like it."

"Do you like it?" Kyle asked me. I nodded. "Then he'll love it. And it's beautiful. Look, just try it on for a second and see what it looks like on, then we'll ask the sales guy if there are any holiday markdowns."

I caved. I went into the dressing room, and changed into the suit. I can't lie, while I was in there, putting on the luxurious material, I wondered what would happen if Kyle had slipped in with me. The place was way too busy to pull anything off, but a little innocent make-out in the dressing room would have been hella hot.

I came out a minute later. The pants were unhemmed and obviously needed to be finished. The jacket fit me like a glove, meaning it would be perfect on Dylan. The color was dark and rich and the material was fantastic. Me loving it, however, didn't make it any cheaper.

"This does look really good on you," the sales guy said when I showed him and Kyle. "And sold separate, each piece is 399, but together I could do the whole thing for 600."

I thought about it for a while. I could pull it off, I mean, I had the money. Some of it was already allotted for books next term, but if I ordered them early from Amazon, I might be able to catch a break. I obviously wouldn't be able to tell Dylan how much it really cost, but he would really like the suit, I thought.

As I was changing back into my clothes, my practical side got the best of me. My brother wouldn't appreciate a six hundred dollar suit and he'd actually be upset that I used half of my book money to get him one. I told Kyle that I'd opt to go with a couple different Polo shirts and a shirt/tie combo. Dylan could get a suit he liked from Men's Warehouse and wear my gift with it.

After shopping, we walked around for a while. Kyle saw some earrings his mom would love at Fred Leighton and he bought them as if they were a pack of gum. It felt really good to be around him again and even better that the month apart had washed away almost all resentment about the Sigmas. At dinner, I finally asked him about it.

"It just didn't make sense to be there," he told me. "I'm not like those guys, as much as Jason would like me to be. They use people and discard people and, I don't know. The more I got to know what actually went on, the more I was hoping I could ignore it and only see the benefits. But that was impossible and you helped me realize that."

"What are the benefits?" I asked, afraid to sound too naïve. I figured it was a secret society; the benefits were drinking, girls and forced friendships.

"A bunch of alumni connections, you know. A rolodex."

"A rolodex, really? They haven't upgraded?" I joked. Kyle laughed. I guess sacrificing that kind of network was a pretty big deal for him and it didn't go unrecognized with me.

After dinner, we drove back to Kyle's house, taking a long detour to see the Christmas decorations in Highland Park. It was almost midnight and snowing lightly before we got back.

"So I guess I'll see you in a couple of weeks," he said as he pulled next to my Camry a couple of hours later.

"Actually," I said quietly. I'd made the decision to see if he was up for a sleepover shortly after dinner. We'd spent the full day together and I hadn't thought about Riley once. Kyle had totally won me over and I was ready to go to back to being us. "I brought an overnight bag."

The smile on Kyle's face could have lit up a house. He leaned into me and kissed me softly. It was awkward because we both still had our seatbelts on. He parked his car. We pulled my bag and what we'd bought out and took everything upstairs- straight to Kyle's bedroom.

"I was afraid that we were done for good," he said to me.

"Well, I'm glad we're not," I said. I kissed him, remembering instantly why I'd fallen for this guy. Everything seemed like it was in slow motion as we made out, standing there in his tree house bedroom.

A minute later, he dragged me backwards to his bed. I lifted my hands above my head and he pulled off my T-shirt. I did the same to him, and then he leaned us both back so that I was lying on top of him. Remembering our move, that we hadn't done in forever, I intertwined my fingers in Kyle's hands and pulled our hands above our heads until they touched the wall behind us.

As we kissed, our chests and our crotches rubbed together, creating a friction that I had honestly been missing. I never wanted to let go of Kyle's mouth, but the actual burning in my crotch meant that I needed to take my dick out.

I pulled our hands down and undid Kyle's jeans. I sat up and pulled them off him, looking down just in time to see his cock spring back and hit his stomach. It still impressed me that this tiny little guy had such a long and thick cock. I smiled at him as I gave it a squeeze.

I lowered my own pants down, and without a single ounce of hesitation, dove between Kyle's legs, so that we were kissing again. Our cocks were rubbing against each other and his legs were wrapped around me. As my tongue danced around Kyle's mouth, I used one hand to try and guide my dick closer to his hole. As we slid back and forth against each other, I felt Kyle's moans indicating that I was getting closer.

Needing to be inside of him, I let go of his mouth for a second, sat up and pushed my hips into his. He pulled his legs back, giving me perfect access and as if we were two puzzle pieces, I slid inside of Kyle, letting out a soft groan as I did.

Once my cock was buried inside of him, I lay back down so that we could keep kissing. As I lowered my body over Kyle, I heard him whisper, "I love you, Coop."

Hearing him say that drove me crazy. This is what love was. This is exactly what people spend their entire lives trying to find. And with my dick inside of Kyle and my lips pressed firmly to his, I felt, for the first time, as though I really was in love.

As we made love, the moans got louder and the groans got closer together. My pace quickened with Kyle's moans and before long, I was sliding back and forth, in and out of him, so quickly, I thought that our chests might combust. I sat up, pushed his legs back even more and took two more incredibly deep thrusts. I saw Kyle turn his face and roll his eyes back. A second later, he was spewing what had to be gallons of white sticky cum all over his chest. The site of it drove me wild and before I could let out a grunt, I came deep inside of him.

It was like a geyser that didn't want to stop. I pulled out, my dick still leaking, collapsed on top of him and smiled. Almost immediately, he found my hands and started playing with my fingers.

"That was amazing," he whispered to me. I just smiled and took in a deep breath. "But we're not done, sir."

"We're not?" I asked. Usually Kyle was the one ready to pass out after sex and today, I was ready to channel him and go to bed. The clock said it was almost one. Instead of letting us sleep, he got up, grabbed a towel and wiped off his chest.

I followed Kyle to his bathroom where he ran a warm bath for us in the largest tub I'd ever seen.

"I had my mom and dad install the tub from Pretty Woman for my fifteenth birthday," he said to me when we were both inside with room to spare. "I told them that it had to be big enough for me to lie flat across the bottom and for two people to wrap around each other comfortably." He put his legs around me.

"For 88 inches of therapy," I said. Kyle did the Julia Roberts laugh and I almost lost it.

We maneuvered around so that I was sitting in between Kyle's legs and he was about to massage my back with a soapy loopha.

"What's with the scratches?" he asked.

It was the first time I thought about Riley all day. I'd successfully managed to suppress the "feeling" but as soon as I was reminded of him, even in Kyle's arm, the feeling shot back- along with a pang of guilt.

"Um, well," I said, lamely. "You can't get mad if I tell you."

"Why would I be mad?" Kyle asked. I thanked God that I couldn't see his face. I knew the disappointment he was about to face would kill me if I had seen it.

"I sort of hooked up with someone and he mawled me," I said. A beat later, Kyle replied.

"It looks like it. Was this the junior at the house I picked ya'll up at that one night?" he asked.

Shit, I thought. I was about to out-slut even myself. "Um, not exactly."

"Gotcha," Kyle said. I couldn't see his face, but I knew there was attitude on it. I might have been crazy, but it felt like his soapy massage got a little less sensual and little more mechanic. "Tell me something," he began. I was extremely nervous about what he was about to ask me. It could have been anything and I'd have no way to justify it.

"Did you two use protection?" he asked. I hesitated to answer and he continued. "You and I do it without a condom all the time and I need to know that you're at least careful with other guys."

That was more than fair, I decided. I told him we had and I could physically feel Kyle soften behind me. I thought it was really mature that he was worried about that and figured I should be worried about that too. It wasn't anything I'd ever thought about, but his concern was genuine and I made a note to take that into consideration from now on.

"Was this guy good?" Kyle asked. I thought the condom question was the end of it, but apparently Kyle had more jealousy and attitude spilling over.

"Do we need to do this?" I asked him stiffly. "We were broken up, I hooked up with someone."

"I'm not trying to Ross and Rachel you," he said in my ear. "I just want to know what kind of guy is this... aggressive."

"It was different than you and me," I said slowly, choosing my words carefully. "Not better or worse, just different."

"Did you have sex with him more than once?" Kyle asked. I didn't answer right away. What did that matter? A drunken one night stand was ok, but repeated hookups weren't? "It's just that some of these look healed and some of them don't."

"I've been seeing him, kind of," I said. And then scary Kyle emerged. He didn't move or say anything, instead, his warm and flirty demeanor changed. He got cold and passive aggressive and it felt like I was bathing with a pointy ice sculpture. His answers got short, I knew he was upset and so finally, as we were getting up and toweling off, I asked him.

"Are you mad that I hooked up with someone?"

He took a long second to think. He had attitude written all over his face. "Why would I be? We were broken up. Can I be really honest with you, though?" I nodded at him. "Being with you makes me incredibly nervous."

"What?" I asked him, pulling a towel around myself.

"The first time I fell for you, I fell really hard. Our break up hit me extremely hard, Coop. And for some reason, when we broke up, I had an image of you sitting in your dorm room regretting our break up as much as I was and working to forgive me. But instead you were out rebounding, and that scares me. And how easy you got over it and started seeing someone else? It's not like you got drunk and hooked up. You started seeing someone, Coop. I'm sorry, but that scares me."

"Kyle," I began, but he continued over me.

"What you don't get is that guys will line up to pick up your pieces if we fall apart. God, they already are." I could see that he was getting his classic stoic face that he got when he was trying really hard not to be vulnerable. It was like talking to a statue- a very emotional statue.

"Kyle," I said. "Guys would kill to be with you." I thought I was saying something sweet and kind and complimentary, until I heard Kyle's response and it broke my heart.

"Mister, there's just one guy I'd want to." In that moment, I realized I was even less ready to do this than I thought I was.

"What are you saying right now?" I asked, taking a step towards him.

"I don't know," he responded. His eyes were darting around the place, looking mostly up to avoid letting the tear that had formed keep from falling. "I just... if this isn't going to work, Cooper. If you can see yourself with anyone else but me, then I think I'd rather you end it sooner rather than later. I've handled losing you once, but honestly, if I fall in love with you again, I don't think I can handle it a second time. I just, that's what I think."

He turned around and walked back into his bedroom. I followed him into the room, got into his bed behind him and that night, I held him close like I always did. Only this time, instead of syncing our breathing together, I fell asleep asking myself if there was anyone else I could see myself with that wasn't Kyle Wriggs.

To be continued...

Posted: 01/27/12