A Second Chance I
By: Tickie
(© 2006, 2007 by the author)
Editor: Radio Rancher
Re-write Editor: Gerry Young

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...
 

I thought, ‘Why did he do that? My God, I'm old enough to be his dad, and what would his parents think? His dad already hates me for what James and I had become. Just looking into JC's eyes, I could see he was scared to death of what he had just done. Or was it that he's scared of my rejection?' My God, my guts were tied in a million knots. I said to myself, 'Talk to him now, before he turns and runs away. I know he's embarrassed,' I could see it in his face. He was turning a bright shade of red. My face felt flushed, just knowing we were feeling the same things.

"I can’t hate you, JC; how could you even think that? But I don’t think we can be together like this. Oh, shit; how do I explain to you just how I'm feeling?" I looked for a table where we could sit, and said, "Let’s go over there and sit down."

As we moved to the table JC asked, "Be together like what? For God’s sake, Charlie ... I love you." ‘How do I make him understand?’ JC thought to himself.

We sat down and I tried to explain. "JC, your dad already hates me for what happened between James and me, and now you want me to take his kid and turn him into a faggot? You know that's what he would say! My God, that's not what I want for us, JC." 'God help me make him understand; please.'

With hate in his heart for his father, JC said, “I don't give a shit what my asshole dad thinks any more, and my..." I could see he stopped fighting back the tears, trying to hide them from me.

I went on. “Now, JC, you don't mean that about your dad; remember he IS your dad." By then, the tears were streaming down his cheeks, tears through which he looked into my eyes like a little kid looking for love and security and comfort. "What's wrong, JC? Why are you crying? Is it something I said?" 'Oh, God, I don't want to hurt him any more.'

As he sobbed, he said, "It's nothing you said, Charlie, except that you don't love me. My parents, as you call them ... it’s only that asshole that claims to be my dad, now. As far as I care, he can crawl into a rat hole somewhere and die." He was thinking to himself again, ‘I have to find a way to make him love me. For, God, I do love him so.’

"I’m so sorry, JC; it's not that I don't love you; I do, but you could be my son; I'm over thirty years your senior. Think about that. By the time you're fifty, I'd be over eighty ... or gone. What kind of a partner would I be, leaving you alone, again?" I told him through teary eyes as I stared into his own.

‘Oh, God,’ I thought, ‘how insensitive was I, forgetting he'd just told me that his mother was no longer with him.’ "Oh, my God, JC, I'm so sorry; what happened to your mother?" I hoped he'd forgive me.

"She died about six months ago," JC said, as he fought back more tears.

As gently as possible, I enquired, "Of what?” 'Oh, my Lord, this poor boy.'

A teary-eyed JC replied, "Breast Cancer, and my asshole father wouldn't even let me attend the funeral. I had to watch it from outside the cemetery."

In a single breath, I almost screamed, "For Christ sake, what did you do to deserve that?" 'How cruel could any father be ...' I wondered, '.... to keep a son from his mother's funeral?' I shook my head in disbelief.

Carl, seeing we weren't immediately returning to the car, began walking up the trail. I saw him coming and motioned for him to stay by the car. I opened my cell phone and called him; I told him that we would be a little while, yet, and that some very personal matters were being discussed. He understood and waited in the car.

JC looked deep into my eyes and said, "Charlie, I don't like talking about that; please don't ask me right now. I need time and some space to work ... us ... out. Please?" It was clear, he was upset about saying anything that involved his father. Or ex-father?

"Okay, JC; I don't want you doing anything you don't feel comfortable with," I said with a slight smile, trying to lighten the mood.

With a small curled up lip, JC asked, "Why are you fighting me over ... us ... then? You did say you loved me! So why are you doing this to me?" He looked upset and disappointed.

"JC, I'm not fighting you; please, let’s just slow down a bit, okay? My God, I think ... hell! I know ... I'm falling in love with you, too, but I have to think about your future as well; if I were only fifteen years younger, I would ravage your body right here and now," I tried to laugh at that statement. "But, please, JC, let's slow down for now, please; can we wait until after dinner tonight to continue this discussion?" 'Please say yes; I need to think about us.' I wished I had a crystal ball to gaze into. I was hoping for an answer ... from somewhere.

"Charlie, let me worry about my own future! I'm sorry; that was too harsh, but please, if you truly love me, then don't let anything get in the way of our happiness. I'll honor your wishes with your assurance that we can continue this discussion tonight, because this is far from settled ... unless you close the door on us," JC said, feeling he may have lost this battle, but then he began thinking to himself, ‘Now I feel like crap, like I've just come down with the flu bug.' All my muscles were weak, and my head hurt.

I took JC’s hand. "Let's go back to the ranch for dinner; it's getting late, and Carl has started up here, and I'm sure he was going to tell us that."

As we headed back toward the car, JC said, "Really? I didn't see him." He had a questioning look on his face.

I told him, as we got closer to the car, "I saw him coming up here not long ago. Then, when I called him on the cell phone, I told him we needed some space for a bit."

As we got back to the car, each getting in on opposite sides, Carl said, "Welcome back, you two; thought I was gonna have to get a tent for you to sleep in tonight." I laughed, trying to lighten the mood, which was very evidently depressing. "Oh, yes," he continued, "and Clyde called to let you know that UPS had come and all of that shipment was put away." He knew I'd understand the message.

I simply said, "Thank you, Carl. Now ... can you get us back to the ranch, please?" Uneasy about what had just happened, I lay back, resting my head, and looked over at JC, wondering what he was thinking. He was extremely quiet, looking like a scolded puppy.

"Cheer up, JC; all is not lost, remember that," I said, as I reached over to hold his hand. He started to pull it back, but then stopped.

"I'm sorry, Charlie; I was out of line" he said, with a small shy grin. I could tell he was deep in thought again, probably thinking, ‘Now why did I do that, he was just trying to be friendly, but I don't want friendly; I want his love ... forever.’

"No you weren't!" I said sharply, and then looked back into his deep dark blue eyes. ‘Now I've hurt his feelings; now I'm the asshole. Stop it, now; stop it! Cool off!' I kept telling myself.

We were getting close to the ranch, and Carl said, "Will you need me any more tonight?"

I turned to JC and asked, "Do you wanna go out anywhere tonight?" I was just trying to make sure if he wanted to or not.

"NO!" JC snapped back.

"I guess not, Carl; just come out in the morning about the same time as you did today, and if something comes up, I can always call you." I thought, ‘I really have hurt his feelings, now. I've never heard him that sharp before.’

"Okay, Charlie, I'll be on call." Carl glanced in the rear view mirror at me, and I returned the glance with a look of desperation. I could tell he wished there was something he could do. I knew there was nothing anyone else could do; JC and I were the only ones who could solve our own problems.

We arrived at the house. Carl got out and opened the door for JC, and then came round and opened mine. We both said goodnight to Carl. Then he got back into the car and drove off. Both of us just stood there on the front porch, not wanting to look directly into the other's eyes. Then I broke the silence saying, "JC, we need to talk more, and we need to be open minded about what the other has to say, Please. I've been too quick to judge, and you've been too quick to condemn." 'God I hope that came out right.'

JC simply said, "Okay, Charles. Let’s just go in and have a nice meal, and see where that takes us." He was thinking again, ‘Maybe he really doesn’t love me; or could it be I look too much like James. Whatever the reason, I guess it's time I quit trying.’

I opened the door and, oh, God, what a wonderful smell! I could imagine that JC and I had just stepped into Italy -- the aroma of garlic and freshly toasted bread, made my mouth water. I said, "Hello Clyde, it smells as if you just brought Italy to the Lazy L." I smiled at him.

"Well, I hope you two enjoy the Lasagna L'Clyde, with Caesar salad, and some Minestrone Soup, and for dessert, Mincemeat or Apple Pie ... your choice; I made both, just in case JC didn't like the Mincemeat." He smiled at JC thinking to himself, ‘Wonder why the gloomy looks on their faces?’ Then he inquired, "You two have a tiff, or something? Maybe you two need the wine BEFORE dinner."

"Wine would be nice Clyde; just bring a couple of glasses into the living room, please." Looking into JC's beautiful, but for the moment, sad, eyes, I asked, "Will you join me, please?"

Without a word, JC walked into the living room and sat in one of the recliners, while I walked into the kitchen to speak with Clyde. Clyde told me that all the clothes had arrived and were in the guest room, put away, and all the tags, etc., were removed. Also, there were no alterations that were needed, so the complete order was there in the room.. Then Clyde told me he was leaving for the night.

Clyde walked to the front room and said, "You two enjoy the meal, and just leave the mess in the sink for me. See you two tomorrow." Then he left the house.

I walked back into the living room and said, "JC ... you ready for dinner?"

JC grinned and said, "Sure, I'm starved, and that aroma is doing nothing but making my stomach growl." He smiled at me ... no, not a forced smile; a genuine smile ... he was hungry and the smell was driving his taste buds into overdrive.

"Okay, I'll go get dinner on the table," I said as I turned to go back into the kitchen. Quickly, I noticed JC following me.

"I can help, too!" he said. He seemed to be feeling somewhat better now that we both had a chance to unwind.

We both worked at getting the food out, which was not a big job, seeing that Clyde had everything already dished up and in the warming oven, and the salad was in the refrigerator. So we sat down to eat, not saying much, too busy eating. When it was time for dessert, we both cleared off the table and stacked the dishes by the sink. Each of us took a nice slice of the Mincemeat Pie, and went into the living room for our agreed chat.

I spoke first, asking an important question of him. "I'd like to know, JC, why your dad would not let you attend your mother's funeral; if that's too personal, I won't push the issue. I just think it's unforgiving of a father to do that to his son." I looked into his eyes for some indication of how he felt.

JC looked at me and then took a bite of pie. Pausing for a few seconds with a resolved expression on his face, he then said, "Charlie ... it hurts to talk about this, but I don't want any secrets between us, so I WILL tell you. BUT! ..." he said emphatically, holding up a finger to make a point. There was a long pause, and I knew he was weighing each and every word he was going to say. "... I will ... NEVER ... EVER ... tell this story again ... to ANYONE!"

"Okay I understand." I stammered, knowing this was going to be hard for him.

JC began, "When I was in high school, during spring break my senior year, a close friend was spending the weekend in our place. Well, my room had twin beds, so it was not uncommon for him to spend the night. We had stayed at each other’s homes on several occasions, and several times, we had gay sex. Yes, he was gay and so am I; in fact we discovered our sexuality together.”

"Oh, I suspected, but didn't know." I smiled at him

JC continued, "Well, that Saturday night, for some reason, my father decided to walk in without knocking. He found us naked together in a sixty-nine position. He immediately yanked me off the bed slapping me, kicking me, and screaming at Billy, calling him a 'dirty rotten faggot,' accusing him of turning me into a queer.”

"What an asshole!" I was shaking my head in disbelief.

Continuing, JC said, "Poor Billy was trying his best to get his clothes on and was being verbally abused by my so-called father. By the time Billy got dressed I had been slapped, kicked, and punched in the mouth. My mother tried to stop him, and he just cursed her out.”

"Oh, my God!" is all I could say; he could see the disgust in my face at what his father had done.

"Then he told me to get my queer ass out of his fucking house. He said that I was no better then James and his queer lover”

"I knew he felt that way about James and me," I told him.

"Then he told me that I was no longer his son and that he never wanted to see me again, so I got dressed, grabbed what I could stuff in a paper bag and left the house with Billy.”

"What happened?" I hurriedly asked, wanting to know more.

"Well, by the time we got to Billy's house, my father had called Billy's parents, and told them that he'd kicked me and their faggot son out of his home, and that he never wanted to see either of us again,” JC continued with hate in his heart. Not only could I see that ... I could feel it as well.

"Billy's parents! Oh shit, what happened?" I had to ask again.

"Billy's parents were more accepting of the fact that their son was gay. They told us they suspected for a few years that Billy was gay; and they suspected I was, too, because we were together a lot.” JC half smiled as he continued.

“It's funny how it seems one set of parents accept the facts, and the other set is split.” I said, as I was thinking; ‘What a horrible story.’ But I asked him to tell it.

JC continued with sadness in his eyes. "True, Billy's parents allowed me to stay at their home for the rest of the weekend, but NOT, of course, in the same room.”

I interrupted saying, "Okay, so you had a place to stay then?"

"Yes and no, Yes, I had a place to stay, and, No, because Billy was upset with me then as well. And that hurt me terribly..” he said with tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

"Oh, no," I softly said.

"Then on Sunday, Billy's folks and my mom got together and worked out some kind of an arrangement. To this day, I don't know exactly what it was. The only thing was, I was able to stay at their house and finish the school year.”

"So, he lived up to his word, and kicked you out; what a fucking asshole." My heart was aching for JC.

"Well, Billy grew to hate me over this, accusing me of not locking the damn door, of course the door had no lock in the first place, but he just refused to understand.” JC half shouted that last sentence, his voice quivering with anger.

"My God, I can understand your feelings, now,” I said, thinking, ‘How devastating to a young man that must've been.’

"So ... that's what happened, and that's why I call him an asshole to this day. I'll never speak to him again. I have no idea where he's living, and I really don't give a shit, either.” JC finished with a smirk on his beautiful face.

I asked, "What happened after you graduated from high school?" I thought, ‘Poor JC has no one. God, I wish I'd only known.’

JC began to speak again, a little less tense, "At the end of the school year, I struck out on my own. I thought of coming to you, but I had no idea how you would feel about having a teenaged queer hanging around, and I heard from mother that James was dead.”

"My God, why didn't you? I would've welcomed you with open arms ... I'm so sorry, JC; sorry that you had to go through all that shit,” I said with a heavy heart.

"Well, Charlie, I wish I had known that, back then, but that’s why I wasn't allowed to attend the funeral," JC said with reverence over not being at the funeral of his mother.

I had just listened to his story, still in disbelief at how any human being could treat his own flesh and blood like that.. It was unthinkable to me. His father had to be a monster. My heart was swelling for what JC had endured over the years. I thought for a minute or so, then I said, "My God, how could an animal like that be allowed to have the beautiful gift of children? JC, I totally understand your feelings. When your father lived in Casper he treated me like crap, after he found out that James and I were romantically involved. James grew to hate him, for the way he treated me; your grandparents tried so hard to make things work, but with no success. The hatred started then, and I'm afraid he took it all out on you. All I can really say is that I'm sorry you had to endure what you did."

JC looked into my eyes, almost like he was trying to tell me it was alright, saying, "It’s not your fault, Charlie; there is only one person to blame, and that's 'David'; and he is NOT my father, and never WILL be my father!"

Looking back into his eyes, I said, "JC, I know I asked you to tell me the story, but now, I'm so sorry for opening old wounds," with a look of sympathy in my eyes

"It's okay, Charlie; you needed to hear it. Now, maybe, we'll find a way to love each other; God, I sure hope so." JC was talking warmly now; he seemed to have settled down and I could see the love once again come back into his face.

I smiled at him saying, "Well, I'm still sorry about the way this day has been going. It seems there's been a lot of built-up stress, and it's all coming out in a flood."

"Charlie I can handle the stress; I just can't handle you not letting me love you." His eyes were glazing with tears again and it hurt me to see that.

I had to say, "I'm not saying you can't love me, JC. My God, I was about ready to jack-off last night thinking about you, after seeing you in those jockey's, but that's an old man trying to satisfy himself." I was thinking, ‘This isn't working. Why not? I love him but ... do I dare to take the chance?’

JC smiled broadly and said, "You were only ready to do it. My God, Charlie, those groans you heard last night were ME doing it. All the time I was thinking only of you. Oh, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie .... there has never been another man in my life since Billy. That's right, since Billy. I've looked ... oh, yes, I've looked ... but anyone my age just turns me off. I think it might stem from Billy's turning evil on me. I have to find someone who's older."

By this time it was getting late and I still had a surprise waiting for JC. By now, we had finished the dessert, and I took the plates to the kitchen, asking JC to follow me.

JC asked, "You need help?" He was wondering where this was going. He thought, ‘Sure hope our talk changed his mind.’

"Not really, I just need you for a few minutes, if you don't mind?" I said softly.

JC said, "Okay, Charlie." He got up and followed me down the hall and into his room. He HAD to be thinking, ‘Are we ... no he wouldn't; not now ... or would he?’

I stopped in front of the guestroom and told JC to take a look at the clothes that were delivered today. I was standing in the doorway; JC walked in and stared at the wardrobe, laid out in front of him.

JC gasped, saying, "Oh, shit! Why did you do this? Charlie, I didn't need all this expensive stuff." He was in disbelief, looking at what was laying on the bed, and what was hanging in the closet and what was in the dresser. He continued, “My God, you bought the whole damn store.”

I said with a smile, "Who said you needed it? I just wanted you to have it. There's a big difference; I just wanted to see you as a cowboy with boots and hat," I was thinking, dreaming, hoping, wishing, ‘Now, can I get him to model it. Will he ... oh yes..’

"You want me to model it for you?" JC asked as he looked at me with a sheepish grin.

"Of course." I sputtered back.

JC asked, "You sure?"

"Yes, come on; I want a fashion show," I exclaimed quickly.

JC smiled and said, "Okay; you go back into the living room, and I'll come out ... looking like a cowboy."

"Okay, I'll be waiting." I went down the hall into the living room to wait for JC.

Maybe five minutes passed, and out stepped JC, wearing only his new boots, and his new cowboy hat, his hard manhood standing tall in the saddle!

"How do I look Charlie?" JC said, He was sporting an evil grin, and that beautiful hard body, in all the right places.

Amazed, I started drooling. I licked it off my lips and said, "Ohhhhh, God, you look good enough to eat!" Then I thought, ‘Where is this going to end?’

To be continued...