It was an extreme location, harsh and relentless in its nature. On the occasions when the weather was cold, it was a winter cold that was deep to the bone. When it was hot, though, which was much of the time, it was exhausting and unyielding. It was a place where dry air rested on dry earth and therefore when the heat was extreme, it could dry the tongue if breathing through the mouth.

 

Rain was a luxury as well as a rarity but when the rains arrived, which they did eventually, they filled the man-made dams of properties, as well as the few naturally created waterholes and billabongs. For a brief time following the rains, a carpet of exceptional wildflowers appeared to the southeast of the town, changing the nature of a scorched and dusty skin; a subterfuge the landscape was something other than what it was.

 

This was not a place for those lacking endurance and definitely not for those who expected cocktails at sunset by a pool. It was a town built on hard country, rising amidst millions of hectares of soul bruising conditions, where tough men, cowboys and explorers from a distant past, had once dared to believe they could survive.

 

Here, thousands of kilometres from the boundless ocean of the east coast, it was a town sitting awkwardly between the extremes of lush and arid environments. Located toward the south-western corner of New South Wales, the town was positioned closer to the South Australian border to the west than to the Victorian border to the south. The Great Dividing Range, the ancient but eroded mountain range to the east, to many of the town’s residents was little more than a picture in their minds of shading on a map. Queensland sat far to the north and was the town’s most distant state border.

 

Every direction away from the town led to a varied landscape but while the town and its immediate surrounds were far from the worst conditions, they were by no means easy. It was a place where life seemed black or white while occasionally portioning out some grey.

 

One hundred seventy-five years old, the town could easily be mistaken as a pocket of the past, as many of its buildings still presented late eighteen hundreds to early nineteen hundreds architecture. The modern world was not denied its presence though, as a new face was overlaying itself, slowly but surely invading the character of a pioneering generation long gone.

 

The town also played host as a hub for people residing outside its community. Not simply for those in the surrounding areas outside of its circumference but also, for those from more remote and smaller locations, where a day’s travel or even an overnight stay in the town was required to fulfil their needs. It was a place to purchase supplies when necessary, by those who had embraced the outback and its requirement to forge against the odds alone.

 

In and of itself, though, the town of Taipan Creek maintained its individual community and identity. The pub, the general store and also the building that posed as a town hall, a cinema or whatever was required of it, shared a responsibility with other facilities like the school and the conjoined post office and bank, to bring all of the individuals or families together while maintaining their awareness of their place in a larger world.

 

***

 

Facing south, a young man sat with a sense of nostalgia, as he looked near and far at the place he had left some years before. Recently returned from the world outside of this one, he was questioning the choice he made to take this vacation, coming all this way to follow a whisper in his heart.

 

Born and bred in the town that surrounded him at that moment, he felt completely at home. He was however, a world away from the place he called home at that point in his life. He had not really planned to return but something inside had pushed him almost against his will. He relented to the inner arguments and finally, here he sat, still uncertain.

 

After completing school, with no prospects equal to his achievements in his education, he wondered what he should do. At the same time while feeling a desperate need to get away from what seemed an impossible situation, he made a choice and headed north to the closest cattle station for work. It was five hours travel by four-wheel-drive from his home but he thought the distance and the hard work would help to free him from his shackles and uncertainty.

 

At eighteen when he left for the first time, he still presented as a young teenager but when he returned three years later at twenty-one, the boy was barely visible, vanished beneath a handsome and slightly weathered face, as well as the empowered body of a large man.

 

Back then, though he had grown and changed in appearance, limited sexual experiences had left the heart of an idyllic boy, still desiring something he had barely tasted or touched. In a matter of days of his first return, though, two intimate events occurred that brought him to the decision he needed to leave Taipan Creek for good.

 

Choosing to put a great deal of distance between his past and present while hoping to discover his future, he headed east to the largest city in Australia. The noise of country was different to the noise of city but the colours seemed vibrant in comparison to the earth tones of home and he felt a sense of newness.

 

Like country and city, he discovered the flavour of people seemed different, too. He did not think of the differences as good or bad, just necessary adaptations to their surroundings and circumstances. Soon he realised city people were no less or more conservative or liberal. It also seemed they were no less or more embracing or detached and they were no less or more happy or dissatisfied. People, wherever they were, simply were what they were, as they individually believed, chose and existed as they did. He felt different from the people in the city and yet he felt the same.

 

The smell of salt water embraced him on the coast, in much the same way as the scent of home soil embraced him in Taipan Creek. The city, the harbour and the icons of that place were spectacular to him but seeing and entering an ocean for the first time, had been one of the most magical experiences of his life.

 

His shared apartment was comfortable and so new and clean while the views from its windows were beyond reproach. It was a home of ease and freedom, a place where he finally felt truly capable of casting off his camouflage or inappropriate skin.

 

With the passage of time he found a freedom in Sydney he had never experienced before. Sydney and the sexual opportunities it offered, at least in his experience, were beyond compare. His desires fell at his feet and he gorged on his hungers greedily but then almost three years later, seemingly from out of nowhere, came the unexpected whispers of his heart.

 

At first he dismissed the whispers as irrational. In fact, in was not hard to consider that to be the case. As an adult he believed there was little to no real chance of what those whispers implied. He therefore could find no point in what the whispers were prompting him to do. A long journey back to Taipan Creek to discover if someone he barely even knew, as well as someone who had only spoken to him four times in his entire life, seemed little more then a complete and utter waste of time.

 

He told himself childish memories were at the core of the prompting. After all, long ago fantasies of one man had become destroyed hopes, which were followed by multitudes of blank pages of non-existent memories. Only days before moving to Sydney there had been two separate yet influential occurrences, one random afternoon and one night a week later, however, between age four and eighteen years of age, all he had clung to inside of his heart, were four random moments in his life.

 

He came to believe Sydney was the right place for him to be, as well as beyond what his youth could have imagined about the city. Coming back here, though, to this town, to this piece of earth, it had been all about a feeling, about something impossible niggling at him and urging him to return.

 

The moment he decided to come back, though innately he knew why he had made the decision, still he was confused by his choice. Sydney had it all. With a snap of his fingers, so to speak, he could have instant gratification and satisfaction. His senses were daily obliterated by his newly found hedonism. A word, a wink or just a look in his eyes and all he wanted came to him. He felt no pressure, no expectation and no obligation, at least none that he was willing to acknowledge.

 

Today, now twenty-four-years old, three years after leaving both his figurative and literal deserts, here he was back in Taipan Creek and feeling a sense of necessity. It was odd because surrounding that sense were feelings of urgency and yet hesitancy.

 

“This is a mistake and it’s foolish,” Lewis Gibson thought.

 

Turning his head slightly to the right, to the southwest was desert, a seemingly, unending sprawl of iron-red dirt, which began or ended, as it were, about two kilometres from his position. In general the colour of the dirt was a rusty orange but the sun’s position and the time of day was at the heart of the colour on display. The randomness of trees and plant life simply ended, as the dry ocean began and forged onward and away, disappearing into the horizon’s haze where the deep blue sky kissed the red dirt lazily.

 

Glancing more directly west, though the dirt was still red, he could see an adjusted landscape, as gum trees, mulga shrubs and other flora somehow managed to stand tall and strong. There were also some distant rock formations rising into escarpments.

 

These pictures before his eyes, no matter which direction he looked, he perceived as more or less the true nature of the country he knew so well. In his past on occasions he thought it reflected his feelings; endless and enduring while empty and dry. Innately he had believed he was bound to Taipan Creek but by eighteen, he discovered he was drowning in needs and hungers and a silent vision of self, which became more important until he felt he had no other choice than to leave.

 

He was seated in the final row at the top of the second spectator stand, which looked down on an oval sports field. His chosen seat was the first in the top left corner right next to the safety railing. There was no one else around but solitude was not a foe he fought. He was there for a reason, in spite of the fact a silent voice inside his mind was arguing with his reason to return. He was happy in Sydney and though he was content to be back in Taipan Creek as well, he could not help but think he was wasting his time and should have stayed away.

 

Three days previously, after going home and catching up with his parents, he had gone into town and walked around. He looked at the sights he remembered so well and he waved or said hello to the faces he had left behind. Later in the afternoon, as he walked past the east end of the sports field at the back of the school, he saw a man running around the oval.

 

Immediately stopping and stepping behind a large eucalypt tree, he stood frozen and gazed at the man covertly. The man was the cause of the whispers in his heart and also the main reason he had returned to Taipan Creek. After watching the man for some time, eventually Lewis walked away to catch up with two old friends.

 

Two days ago, on his second day back, as if hypnotized and being directed by someone else, he drove to the east end of the field at the exact same time of the afternoon. He parked by the same tree and then he sat and he waited and watched while hoping. Once again, to his great pleasure, he saw the same man return and begin to run once more.

 

Yesterday, like a looped video file, he drove and parked in the exact same spot again. Consistently looking at his watch, he begged that the man was following a routine and that the day would be no different to the previous two. He felt satisfied yet nervous when the man appeared again. Even so, Lewis did nothing and simply stared.

 

Today, he returned once more but this time he parked in front of the school. He walked through the school grounds, empty due to school break and made his way to the field. After he past between the two stands that stood side-by-side, he turned and faced them. It really was an irrelevant decision but he chose the stand on the right and began to ascend its stairs.

 

Upon reaching the top row and sitting down, he began to look at the view. To his left or to the east, he could see the bulk of the small, outback town, of which he had long been a part. It was a random town that stood just beyond the edge of the desert. It was a place that would be considered inhospitable by city dwellers, however it was a quaint little community, embraced by a country folk mindset.

 

Behind the stands was the school, the only school for a couple hundred kilometres. Well beyond the school and a long distance farther north of the town was one of the largest cattle stations in New South Wales. It was the place Lewis had begun his adult life.

 

The homes outside of town were mostly families, people who chose an outback life but preferred to maintain a degree of distance from the centre of town. Lewis had grown up as an only child as part of one of those families.

 

The two spectator stands stood on the same side of the field and could have been a single structure but were divided by a pathway between. The path was the entrance to the field, used mainly by the students from the school. In a way the field appeared out of place in such a harsh environment but it was well used. It had been built a quarter century earlier and belonged to the school. The students used it mostly but it was available as a public facility as well.

 

From his top and corner position of the eastern stand, Lewis looked at his watch. If there had been an onlooker, Lewis would have appeared to be waiting for something to happen or for someone to arrive.

 

As he gazed around, Lewis could not deny he felt intense connections with this place. He had been born in the surgery in the room at the rear of the doctor’s office, which was for all intents and purposes, Taipan Creek’s four-bed hospital. His parent’s property, which was a strangely beautiful yet lonely place about five kilometres east of town, was the location he had been raised. Even the school and this field held connections for him, times and faces of great or little importance. He knew why he had finally left for the city but he shook his head for returning to this old stomping ground, a choice based solely on whispers and a whim.

 

Glancing at his watch yet again, he turned toward the western stand but instantly lowered his gaze to the path below that led between. A studious expression crossed his face momentarily but it transformed to a subtle smile, as he caught sight of the lone figure walking toward the field. He knew who it was immediately.

 

As he looked down at the man below, Lewis thought, “You should be a model. Not just any model but the world’s greatest-ever, male supermodel. If you left this town you wouldn’t even need to try; a spotter would just see you and know.”

 

As Lewis stared, now transfixed, Steve Traynor completed the path that led between the two stands. He stepped through the gate of the small boundary fence, before he casually ambled across the empty lanes of the athletics track and stopped on the faux grass at the edge of the oval. There were no track or field sports taking place; the surrounds were like a ghost town, silent except for distant sounds of town and country life, floating vaguely in the air like fading echoes.

 

“You could easily become a sports star as well, if that’s what you wanted to be,” Lewis thought alternatively.

 

The flippancy of Lewis’s thoughts about Steve, were neither fact nor fiction. Steve was certainly very attractive, perhaps enough to become a model, though what type of model or to what degree of success could be anybodies guess. At school, Steve had also been talented on the track as well as the field but sport had not been something he had pursued. Ironically, all these years later, Lewis did not even know what Steve’s line of work was. Lewis’s thoughts were simply an expression of the influence Steve had over him. In essence, Lewis could persuade himself to believe Steve could do or be anything.

 

Oblivious of the one person sitting in the stands watching him, Steve put his sports bag on the grass beside him and gave a swift glance down the track. While facing the stands but not looking at them, he pushed his track pants down and stepped out of them, leaving them sprawled on the grass. This action revealed his tanned, muscular and shapely legs, which seemed to confirm he was an athlete of some description. As if to crown his powerful thighs, a jockstrap clung comfortably to its contents, confirming it was filled to perfection.

 

Leaning down and reaching into his sports bag, Steve withdrew short shorts, black in colour and slipped his feet into them, before sliding the flimsy material up his legs and adjusting them into place. They were skimpy shorts at best, fundamentally made for the unimpeded leg movements and air flow of a runner.

 

Once the simple yet revealing shorts were in place, Steve lifted his t-shirt, sliding it up and over his head, before dropping it on top of his track pants. For a few moments, almost as if he were in deep thought, he stared down at the grass at his feet. When those moments past, though, he raised his arms up, arching them over his head and then alternately gripping each elbow with a hand, he stretched his arms as he bent and stretched his body to either side.

 

Soon after, he turned on the spot in an anti-clockwise direction; a long, slow, circular turn, as he looked over and around the field. He appeared to be surveying his surroundings, as if he were searching for any undetected or unexpected presence within his vicinity. When his circle was almost complete, just as he was about to face the eastern stand where a single soul sat alone, Steve’s eyes dropped down, ending the exploratory examination of his surrounds.

 

Turning quickly to complete his circle while resuming his original position, he crouched to the ground, picked up his discarded clothing and then dropped the pile into his sports bag. Still shirtless, he stood up straight, placed his palms against the smooth, deeply tanned skin of his stomach and then slid them upwards until they curved to caress over his large and impressively defined chest.

 

Sitting deathly still and silent, despite wishing the other man would look up, see him and acknowledge his presence, Lewis simply gazed in awe. When Steve had removed his track pants, the sight of the obvious thickness and fullness of the pouch of his jockstrap, immediately instigated fullness in the underwear that Lewis was wearing as well. Steve had definitely become bigger, fitter and even more attractive in the years since Lewis had left.

 

Incapable of tearing his eyes away, Lewis allowed his gaze to trace the outline of the man’s body. His desire to touch Steve’s smooth skin caused his breathing to become stilted and his chest to tighten. The perfection of the rolling curves of each muscle became a figurative starting pistol. It fired immediately, giving his imagination the green light to fantasise about what he would like to do to Steve. Lewis imagined his tongue gliding warmly over the taut, naked flesh but then the sight of Steve’s own hands touching his own body, brought into existence a wild wish, the impossible desire to become Steve’s hands.

 

Even from the height and distance Lewis was seated, the man down at ground level was still a sight to behold. To Lewis, Steve Traynor was a dream that actually existed in real life. To make things better or worse, as the case may be, Steve actually existed in his life, even though apart from four, long ago occurrences, the two men had never been close or spent any other times together.

 

There was no doubt that Lewis was attracted to Steve but most of these thoughts and feelings were based on how he felt about Steve when they were younger. For Lewis during those earlier days, Steve Traynor surpassed the imagined images of hot, male characters created in romance or erotic novels. Lewis thought Steve made the most handsome, A-list superstars, pale into insignificance. Before he left Taipan Creek, no one on earth had a chance of attracting Lewis in a serious way, not while Steve was alive and well. It was not a choice; it was a matter of idealising the sounds of his heart. Steve had been a human god in Lewis’s mind; an unchallenged perspective he assumed Steve would always continue to be.

 

With a few bends and stretches completed, Steve walked onto lane one of the track. He stood at his imagined starting line, right next to his sports bag. He looked around again but this time he was taking in the location. Though to his right were the stands and beyond those the school, diagonally to his left was the distant desert, which spread in its silent, red beauty, all the way to the horizon. Though no one else knew, Steve related to the intensity and the emptiness of the desert and these days, he stared at that particular view almost everyday of his life.

 

Taking on a concentrated stance, he took several deep breaths and then began to run. He ran fast for the first twenty-five metres before slowing, adjusting his pace and movement to a consistent, rhythmic run. This was the beginning of what would be the first of twenty circuits of the track.

 

Continuing to gaze at Steve, regardless of whether he was rounding either opposing bend or forging the straights on the far or near side of the track, Lewis swore the beating of his heart synchronized with Steve’s alternating footfalls.

 

All of the thoughts and feelings that were running through his heart and mind were surprising to Lewis. Years had gone by and now he was back but seeing Steve again made him feel like nothing had changed.

 

As a boy and a teenager, he had been certain he loved Steve. Soon after leaving the red sands for the blue waters and arriving in Sydney, he rationalised the idea of love away because they were never friends and had never gotten close. He told himself his thoughts and feelings had to be about childish imaginings and immature desires, in spite of the two straws that broke the camel’s back, which occurred long after his childhood was over. His current actions, though, were confusing the issue.

 

Something he had so easily dismissed three years ago, only two months ago had begun whispering to him until he returned to Taipan Creek. For the last four days, at the same time everyday, he was seemingly stalking Steve like some sort of sex fiend, as if he were preparing to kidnap an innocent boy and have his way with him. Steve was not a boy, though.

 

While he continued to stare with wanton desire, Lewis recalled some poignant moments in his life; times and places where Steve had taken centre stage.

 

***

 

A voice called out, “What’s your name?”

 

It was an unexpected voice that took his attention, as Lewis turned from beside the waterhole he was desperate to enter. He was a four-year-old boy undressing alone, wanting to cool off beneath a hot, Australian outback, summer sun. It was the first time his mother had allowed him to go down and swim in the waterhole on his own. Shocked, he turned to see another boy a few years older, naked and standing in the shade beside the large tree on the bank beside the waterhole.

 

Being alone was a major factor for Lewis, as he stared at the boy he had never seen before. He did not care that the boy was naked; not at first, he only cared that it was the first time he was with a stranger while no one else was around. He was not afraid initially, he just felt unsettled by the unexpected occurrence.

 

“I’m Lewis,” he replied tentatively.

 

The boy said aggressively, “What are you doing here?”

 

“I live here,” Lewis said, as he stood in his underpants wanting to jump into the water.

 

“You live beside my waterhole? Most people live in houses,” the boy said sarcastically.

 

“It’s not your waterhole. It’s my mum and dad’s waterhole. Our house is up the hill over there,” Lewis said while pointing behind their position, where a small grade led up to an old house above them.

 

The boy leaned around the large trunk of the tree and looked up at the house he had seen many times. He then turned back around and as he looked at Lewis he said gruffly, “I swim here all the time and I’ve never seen you or anyone here before. I’m always here so this is my waterhole.”

 

Lewis looked at the boy while feeling uncertain and he wondered if he had misunderstood what his parents had told him.

 

“I just want to swim and cool off,” Lewis said.

 

“If you want to swim in my waterhole then you have to ask my permission,” the boy ordered.

 

Looking at the older and bigger boy, Lewis felt unsettled but he said, “Can I?”

 

“Come over here,” the boy ordered again.

 

Not knowing why he suddenly felt afraid, Lewis thought he should just do as he was told and so he walked over to the boy until he was standing in front of him. He looked down at the boy’s naked body, taking particular notice of his penis.

 

“Why are you looking at my dick?”

 

“Because it’s bigger than mine,” Lewis said.

 

“I’m older than you,” the boy explained.

 

“How old are you?”

 

“Eight,” the boy revealed.

 

Lewis asked, “So can I?”

 

“Can you what?”

 

“Swim in the waterhole?”

 

The boy looked at Lewis thoughtfully for a moment and then nodded. Lewis smiled at him and then ran and jumped, splashing as his body hit the water. The boy smiled and the moment Lewis rose to the surface and looked back at him, the boy ran and bombed right beside Lewis. When the boy surfaced, he turned and looked at him and laughed. Lewis laughed along with him. Their jocular agreement of him splashing Lewis, being both fun and funny, was all that the older boy needed to accept Lewis.

 

The two boys played together in the water for a while but eventually returned to the bank. They lay next to each other silently behind closed eyes, as their bodies dried beneath a very hot sun. When Lewis opened his eyes and sat up, the first thing he noticed was the boy’s penis was hard and bobbing up and down above his belly. Not understanding why the boy’s penis was hard but definitely intrigued by it, he sat quietly staring at it and wanted to touch it.

 

Reaching while his eyes were still closed, the boy wrapped his fist around his erection and started stroking it. Suddenly fearful his actions would be seen, he opened his eyes and saw Lewis watching. He sat up and said aggressively, “Why do you keep staring at my dick.”

 

Answering his question with a question, Lewis simply asked, “Why is it hard?”

 

The anger left the boys eyes and he said, “You’ll understand when you get older.”

 

“You mean my dick will get big and hard like yours?”

 

“Count on it,” the boy replied.

 

“It’s really big and thick,” Lewis said.

 

“It’s not that big, not yet,” the boy responded.

 

Lewis asked, “What’s it feel like?”

 

The boy looked at Lewis curiously but then suggestively he offered, “You want to touch it?”

 

“Yeah. Can I?”

 

The boy leaned back, propped on his elbows as he watched Lewis staring at his erection. He clenched several times to make his stiff penis bounce up and down. He then laughed at the younger boys wide eyes before he said, “Go on, hold my hard dick and rub it.”

 

At first, as his hand moved tentatively toward the erection, for the first time in his life, Lewis noticed his breathing was different from any other time. He felt apprehensive and it made him wonder if doing what he wanted to do would be okay with his parents, even though he did not know why it would be a problem. He felt nervous excitement and he wanted to touch and feel and hold it. Though questions without answers existed inside of him, eventually his fingers made contact and he ran their tips up and down the shaft. Soon enough he wrapped his hand around the stiffness and slid it up and down.

 

From the moment the erection was in his hand, Lewis felt his excitement rise. He still did not know why he was so excited but he certainly had no idea the experience was showing him a glimpse of the man he was going to become.

 

Stopping suddenly, Lewis worried he had done something wrong when the boy groaned. He looked at the boy and feared he might be angry. The boy looked back at him and said, “It’s okay. Keep doing it.”

 

Lewis asked, “You like it?”

 

“Yeah, I like it a lot.”

 

“What’s your name?”

 

“Steve,” the boy replied.

 

“I like you, Steve,” Lewis said in a friendly manner, hoping that maybe Steve would be his friend.

 

“You’re okay, Lewis.”

 

“Can I swim with you again, Steve?”

 

“Maybe, we’ll see.”

 

Another voice interrupted, as a woman called loudly from inside the house at the top of the small grade behind them, “Lewis, it’s time to come home.”

 

With a huff of irritated resignation, Lewis said, “I have to go, Steve,” as he reluctantly let go of the erection.

 

“Okay but one thing, Lewis. You don’t tell anyone. Not your mum or dad or anyone. No one can know I let you touch my dick.”

 

“I won’t, Steve.”

 

“If you tell anyone, Lewis, I’ll come back and I’ll beat the crap out of you. You hear me?”

 

“I promise, Steve. Can I come back and swim in your waterhole if you’re not here?”

 

“Yeah kid. No worries.”

 

After running back to the house, Lewis asked his mother, “Is the waterhole ours or is it someone else’s?”

 

“No Lewis, it’s ours. Why?”

 

“No reason, Mum. I was just wondering,” he said, deciding in that instant that Steve would be his secret.

 

***

 

With Steve not even half finished running his circuits of the track, Lewis continued to stare at him. The memories of Steve as a boy in his mind were so different to the vision before his eyes. Now twenty-eight, Steve’s endurance to maintain his pace and effort had caused his lungs and his big chest to expand. Additionally, the fast flow of all the blood and oxygen in Steve’s body was pumping up all his muscles as well. His richly tanned skin was now slick with perspiration and as the sun shone down on him, his body glistened beneath it. Lewis reached and squeezed the throbbing bone in his shorts, as he allowed his mind to return to the past while he watched Steve in the present.

 

***

 

Even though he was only four years of age during their first encounter, something about Steve held tight to Lewis’s thoughts. He knew he thought Steve was a strong and handsome boy but he did not know why he thought Steve was a special boy. As time went by, he often thought about holding Steve’s erection. There was something exciting about the hardness and the hot skin, as well as the fact that Steve said it was a secret. He thought about Steve all the time but though he ran down to the waterhole often, Steve was never there.

 

Autumn, winter and spring went by and as a new year was beginning, toward the end of January, Lewis finally discovered Steve alone and naked at the waterhole again. He ran to Steve and wrapped his arms around him and hugged him. Steve pushed him off his body but he smiled at Lewis, said hello and then ran and jumped into the water. Lewis began to take off his clothes so he could swim with Steve but this time, because he wanted to be like Steve, he stripped naked as well and jumped into the water beside him.

 

The boys played and laughed for a while like they did the first time but soon enough, they ended up lying together on the bank yet again. While Steve lay still with his eyes closed, Lewis sat up and looked over at Steve’s flaccid penis. A moment later, he reached over and took it into his hand. Steve flinched initially but loving the feeling, he chose not to open his eyes. He liked that Lewis was touching him again but said, “What are you doing, Lewis?”

 

“I want to feel how hard it gets again. Make it hard again, Steve.”

 

Allowing his feelings to grow, within moments Steve was hard and soon he was sighing in whispers, as the soft hand gripped while sliding up and down. Lewis felt excited to have Steve’s hard penis in his hand again and though he still did not understand why he was so excited, the feelings pushed him to continue and his hand moved faster.

 

Soon, Steve felt something he had not felt before. His breathing was becoming more extreme and new feelings were adding to the great feeling of having an erection, as well as having someone else touching it. He had turned nine years old since he was last with Lewis but even though he was still very young, his body was in the midst of a growth spurt and he was getting bigger in every way. Steve was physically maturing well before most boys his age.

 

Unexpectedly, his whole body stiffened and as his back arched off the ground, the muscles throughout his body began to clench and release and a moment later, a small amount of ejaculate shot out onto his belly.

 

As Lewis pulled his hand away in shock, Steve’s body collapsed back onto the ground and he felt like he was tingling all over. He was breathing hard and the only reason he was not disturbed was because he already knew what happened to older boys and men. He was shocked it happened to him but he knew he had experienced his first ejaculation. He was smiling, happy and felt good about it because he thought it meant he was growing up. Suddenly, though, he thought of Lewis.

 

Turning his head, Steve looked at Lewis and saw an unusual expression on his face. Lewis was staring at some of the substance on his hand. He did not know what it was but because of Steve’s severe reactions, he thought he had hurt Steve and made something bad happen. Until he met Steve, all he knew was his dick was for peeing. Now he knew it could get hard as well but this white stuff coming out of it worried him. He knew blood was red but he wondered if maybe there were other, different things like blood in the body.

 

With those thoughts in mind, he looked over at the big boy he wanted to be his friend and Lewis started to cry. He thrust himself down against Steve, wrapped his arms around him and as he hugged him tight, he sobbed while repeating, “I’m sorry.”

 

With concern, Steve wrapped an arm around the smaller, naked boy. As he held him warmly against him he said, “Lewis, it’s okay. I’m fine and you didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

Surprise halted Lewis’s tears and he asked, “Really? I didn’t hurt you?”

 

Through a large smile Steve said, “No, Lewis. It was great and I liked it. You made me happy.”

 

As he continued to snuggle into Steve’s chest, he took a deep breath and said, “Do you mean it because I really didn’t mean to hurt you, Steve.”

 

“I swear, Lewis. You didn’t hurt me.”

 

Lewis lifted his head and as he looked at Steve’s face he smiled. A moment later, not knowing why he even wanted to, spontaneously and as fast as he could, he lunged forward, kissed Steve on the lips and then feeling embarrassed, Lewis jumped up and ran into the waterhole.

 

Steve propped his body up and stared at the boy in shock. As Lewis splashed about, Steve grinned. He realised Lewis really liked him and it made him feel special and important. He chuckled at Lewis tumbling and splashing in the water and then he thought that he liked Lewis too.

 

After wiping the small amount of ejaculate off his belly, Steve went and rinsed it off his hand in the water, before choosing to lay down in the shade of the tree. When Lewis left the waterhole, he walked over and sat back down beside him. Steve sat up and put his arm around Lewis and said, “I like you, too, Lewis.”

 

Completely relaxed and happy as a consequence, Lewis twisted, wrapped his arms around Steve’s body and hugged him. Smiling as he looked up into Steve’s eyes, he said, “Will you come back again, Steve?”

 

“Yeah, I will, Lewis.”

 

Steve dropped back down onto his back and closed his eyes. His mind turned to what had happened and he wondered how long it would be before it would happen again. He could not stop thinking about the way it felt but he also could not believe it happened at his age. Lost in all of these thoughts, the next thing he knew, he felt Lewis resting his face on his belly and then he felt his fingers touching his penis again. Steve was about to tell him to stop but he got hard really quickly and it felt so good, he let Lewis continue.

 

Lewis suddenly asked, “What was that stuff?”

 

“It’s called sperm, Lewis. I learned about it in a book my dad has at home. It’s normal for guys to squirt when they get hard but usually it doesn’t happen until they’re much older. I’m only nine and I didn’t know it could happen when I was this young,” Steve said.

 

“Nine? You had a birthday? Happy Birthday, Steve.”

 

“Thanks, Lewis,” Steve said while chuckling, because even though his birthday was months earlier, Lewis’s excited reaction was like it was only the day before.

 

“I liked the smell of that stuff,” Lewis said.

 

Steve grinned and said, “So did I.”

 

“I like looking at your dick, Steve. I like touching it and I like it when it gets hard like this,” he said, as he let go of the erection and stared at it in awe.

 

“Don’t stop rubbing it, Lewis. I like it when you touch it. It feels so good and when you made me squirt like that, it felt even better.”

 

“There’s a little bit of that stuff dripping out of it, Steve,” Lewis said and then he wiped it off, sat up and looked at the fluid on his thumb.

 

“I wonder what it tastes like,” Steve said but before he could think another thought, Lewis sucked it off his thumb and replied, “It’s thick and creamy and sort of bittersweet.”

 

Steve was shocked and said, “Gees Lewis, I didn’t mean for you to taste it.”

 

“I don’t mind, Steve. You wanted to know and because it’s you, I wanted to find out for you.”

 

“You’re cute, Lewis. Why do you like me so much?”

 

“I don’t know, I just do. I come down here all the time hoping you’ll be here. That’s why I was so happy to see you today.”

 

“Is that why you hugged me, even though I was naked?”

 

“Yeah. I want to see you more. Please come swimming more, Steve. I like you and I want you to be my friend.”

 

Steve looked at Lewis and smiled. He wished Lewis were the same age as him because he thought that then they really could be friends. He also thought that what had taken place between them could happen more.

 

“Lewis, I really like you but you’re only four and I’m nine.”

 

“I’ll be five in two months,” Lewis said.

 

“It’s still too young. If you were older we could hang out but you’re not even at school yet and my friends are all older than you. It just couldn’t work.”

 

“But I really like you, Steve.”

 

Steve dragged Lewis down on top of him and hugged him. Something about how much Lewis liked him made him like Lewis more. Lewis could feel Steve’s erection pushing into his belly and then he felt Steve rubbing it against him.

 

“Your dick is so hard,” Lewis said, as he felt it moving back and forth.

 

“You make me hard, Lewis,” Steve replied and then very abruptly, as he thought about what he was doing and thinking, he stopped rubbing his dick against the smaller boy.

 

Lewis cuddled Steve and as his face lay on his chest he said, “I know I’m just a little boy but Steve, please promise me you’ll come back and swim with me again. I love being with you and talking to you. If you promise, I’ll rub your dick and make you happy as much as you want.”

 

Suddenly, even though he loved the idea of another boy touching his hard dick and rubbing it until he squirted, he could not dismiss the words in his mind that were telling him it was wrong. Steve pushed Lewis off his body, jumped up and ran into the water.

 

Half smiling but a little uncertain, Lewis followed him into the waterhole but every time he stepped closer to him, Steve stepped farther away. He then looked at Lewis like he was angry and said, “I have to go home, Lewis.”

 

Walking out of the water, Steve came to a halt to get dressed but just as he reached for his shirt, Lewis ran up and hugged him again. The warmth between their two bodies instantly caused Steve to start getting another erection. He pushed Lewis away, firmly. Lewis stumbled and Steve quickly got dressed. Lewis did not move as he stared at Steve and wondered why he was being so mean and strange.

 

Looking down at Lewis, Steve said, “Don’t forget, Lewis, you can never tell anyone any of this. Not one word.”

 

“Yeah, I know, Steve.”

 

“Bye,” Steve said and walked away without looking back.

 

“Bye,” Lewis replied.

 

Very confused, Lewis watched Steve walking away. He realised he had forgotten to tell Steve that it was not his waterhole but then smiled as he remembered Steve had told him he would come back.

 

***

 

Still sitting unseen at the top of the stand, even though Lewis had been transfixed while watching Steve, following the memories of his first two encounters with Steve when they were boys, his heart in his chest was beating fast. Those memories had never left him but the older he became the more those memories evolved. By the time he was a teenager, Lewis was using those memories to jerk off. The only difference was that those pictures in his mind of those days at the waterhole, were of two teenage boys, much older than the age they had actually been all those years before. Not only that but in those teenage fantasies, Lewis did other things to Steve’s dick as well.

 

Lewis swallowed uncomfortably and for the millionth time, he wondered about the unusual nature of how this one man in the world made him feel and act. He gazed at the man still running around the track and wished the thought to call out to Steve was not a pointless desire.

 

As a little boy Lewis had thought Steve was awesome. By the time he reached his adolescence he began to think he loved Steve. When he finally finished school, as much as he believed he was in love with Steve, he also did not comprehend how that could be possible when nothing had ever happened between them. Now, as he sat looking down at Steve, he told himself it had to be a boy’s obsession.

 

“It was obsession in the beginning, it was obsession in the middle and it was obsession in the end. Steve was the hottest boy and the hottest man in Taipan Creek and you always wanted him. You just didn’t get him until years later, which turned out to be the biggest mistake of your life. You let those old feelings and old memories rise to the surface and drag you all the way back to this town. You allowed an old obsession to tell you something was waiting for you in Taipan Creek. Look at you, sitting here like you’re obsessed even now, when the truth is it’s just your cock talking. You wanted him, you got him but you could never really have him. For fuck sake, Lewis, you’re not that boy anymore.”

 

***

 

It was not just days or weeks or months that disappeared into time, following his second encounter with Steve at the waterhole. Though they did see each other fairly regularly over the next fourteen years, they never spoke or shared time together again. There was always a distance between them, an enforced separation, only broken by their eyes as they glanced or stared at each other, whenever they were in the same place at the same time.

 

As odd as it might have seemed to anyone else, though, those two simple encounters had an extreme effect on Lewis. For some inexplicable reason that Lewis could never understand, instead of forgetting those boyhood moments, they grew inside of him and never died. By the time Lewis finished school and went to work at the cattle station at eighteen, Steve was his biggest reason for leaving.

 

It was not until the following year when Lewis saw Steve again. Lewis was soon to turn five and he had just begun his first year of school. The school was not like schools in the big cities, though it still did its job. It catered to around two hundred kids and teenagers, all but a few belonging to the four hundred or so population, that figure rising or falling depending on the times. The few other kids came from town’s long distances away and boarded in specially built rooms behind the school during the terms.

 

An only child and five kilometres from town, Lewis spent much of his first years alone. He loved his parents, his father in particular but his father managed the combined bank and post office in town and Lewis was often in bed by the time he came home. Weekends were the times he mostly shared with his father. For the rest of the week he was by his mother’s side but eventually he began playing outdoors in solitude. Always playing alone was one of the reasons he had taken to Steve at the waterhole. Though he returned to the waterhole everyday that followed, Lewis was always left disappointed because Steve never came back again.

 

In March, Lewis turned five during his first year of school. He had not even considered that Steve would go to school as well but unexpectedly, just over a month after his first day, he saw Steve standing and talking to a group of other big boys. Lewis wanted to say hello but he also wanted to tell Steve it was not his waterhole. He walked toward the group and while looking straight at Steve, he said, “Hi.” All the boys turned and looked at him but as he reached the group, one of the other boys, a boy named Chris, turned in front of Lewis and pushed him away, causing him to fall down and hit his head on the concrete.

 

Not understanding while crying from the pain, Lewis looked up and wondered why the big boy had hurt him. He then looked over at Steve, who looked at him expressionless, before saying to the other boys, “Come on, let’s go.”

 

Watching Steve walking away for the second time, Lewis felt sure Steve would never be his friend. Since starting school a month before, he had not yet made any friends and as he lay on the ground crying, he felt confused and alone.

 

Unexpectedly, a boy from his class who he had never even spoken to walked over to him. He helped Lewis to his feet with honest concern. The other boy’s name was Paul and though Lewis did not know it at the time, Paul was to become a close friend for many years to follow. Directing Lewis toward two other boys, Paul introduced him to Cory and Ron. By days end, the boys were a unit and Lewis finally felt like he belonged at school.

 

Though Lewis saw Steve at school everyday from that day onward, he never attempted to speak to him again. He often wondered why Steve ignored him or pretended he did not know him but Lewis simply began to spend more time with his new friends.

 

A bus ride was the beginning and end of each school day but while Paul and Ron lived in town and never caught the bus, Lewis quickly discovered Cory travelled on the bus each day as well. Cory’s home was not too far from his. Subsequently, they sat together on the bus everyday without fail. His second discovery was that Steve lived a short distance between he and Cory and that Steve would be on the bus each day as well.

 

Every time either Steve or Lewis got on the bus to go to school or to go home, there was always a moment. On both occasions each morning and afternoon, Steve and Lewis would always glance at each other in a type of silent acknowledgement but neither of them ever spoke.

 

***

 

With his chest still tight and his beating heart irregular, as he continued to watch Steve turn onto the straight and complete another circuit of the track, Lewis thought there was nothing he would not do to have that brown, sweaty and tight body wrapped around him. From the time he turned ten and up to eighteen, every night in bed without fail, he would fantasise about Steve, always beginning with Steve pulling him against his naked body. On those nights he imagined he could feel Steve’s big chest and his hard cock crushed against him.

 

Today, fourteen years since turning ten, once again Lewis knew with absolute certainty, the man running around the track below, would only have to say the word and he would give his heart and body to Steve in an instant. Lewis sighed, told himself to stop being a loser and then allowed his mind to take flight again.

 

***

 

Five years following the day with Steve at the waterhole, Lewis was fundamentally a well balanced and a happy boy. As he began his tenth year, he still found himself looking at Steve all the time. He often wondered why he did but came to the conclusion there was still a little wish inside of him that Steve would be his friend.

 

A fourteen-year-old Steve was a completely different boy. His body was much bigger and more muscular by that point and he was also one of the tallest boys his age. Lewis thought he was the best looking boy, not only in school but also around Taipan Creek.

 

Two things happened that year that strongly affected Lewis. The first was when he saw Steve beginning to hang out with girls. He was not just hanging out with the girls; sometimes he would stand with his arm around a girl. Lewis did not understand because every week Steve was with a different girl and none of them seemed like a girlfriend. The girls at school, as well as a couple older girls in town, seemed to follow Steve around like a bad smell. He may have only been fourteen but Steve looked like a man and acted like one as well.

 

It was due to the sudden awareness of Steve hanging out with girls, Lewis began to realise the extreme nature of just how much he wanted to hang out with Steve as well. It was that single thought that led to his realisation he was not like other boys. He tried to look at girls but quickly became aware that he felt no attraction to them. He was ten and Steve was fourteen when Lewis’s sexuality began to make itself clear in his mind.

 

One night just over a year later, as he and his parents were on their way home from seeing a movie in town, as he sat in the back seat and stared out the window, he saw Steve holding and kissing a girl on the side of the road. In that moment, Lewis felt an emotion he had never felt. He was only eleven and did not really grasp the meaning but he felt an odd sadness deep inside and it hurt. From that night he decided he hated all the girls that went out with Steve. Somehow it seemed they stood between him and Steve, obstructing any chance he could ever be close to him.

 

On that night when Lewis went to bed, he felt confused when from out of nowhere he started to cry. He knew it was about Steve but he really did not understand the extreme reaction. It was a feeling like nothing he had even imagined. Though he sort of knew why, on some level he did not really understand why he wanted to be with Steve or why he loved Steve so much. In books and movies people loved someone by spending time together but his feelings seemed to be growing from nothing. Regardless, his heart whispered to him, telling him he was in love.

 

Over the next three years to thirteen, the looks of acknowledgement between Steve and Lewis continued. Time and separation seemed to subdue the feelings in Lewis’s heart and he tried to focus on other things. He hung out with Paul, Cory and Ron, who were undoubtedly his best friends. They spent a lot more time together on weekends, as well as all of their time together between classes. During school breaks it was hard to keep them apart, not that anyone was trying to. They rode their bikes all the time and met up with each other constantly, just like any band of friends would do.

 

As the years rolled on, location and proximity became part of their equations and as a consequence, living in town, Paul and Ron gravitated toward each other when the four were not together. In the same vein, Cory and Lewis began to hang out more often outside of town. This led to Lewis and Cory becoming the best of friends. Soon an adjustment in friendships became clear, not that it was in any way damaging to the four friends as a whole.

 

Sleep over’s at each other’s house, became a common occurrence for Lewis and Cory. Lewis felt something special with Cory, not like with Steve but still there was a deeper connection than with anyone else.

 

His friends and their time together, as well as the greater friendship with Cory, really helped to distract Lewis from how he felt and what he was hiding from the entire world. Still, every time Steve appeared in front of him or just in his line of sight, Lewis’s mood dropped and a sense of sadness filled him, as his mind told him he could never be with Steve the way he wanted.

 

At twelve, one night when Cory stayed over at Lewis’s place, the two adolescent boys secretly unlocked the doors to boyhood sexuality. They got hard together, played with each other and ejaculated together. Their friendship found a new intimacy that would follow them for a long time to come. It seemed to Lewis as their years as teenagers moved onward, in a town of four hundred people, he had been lucky enough to find the one other gay boy that made him feel like he was not alone.

 

Though most of the people who resided outside of town drove flatbed utilities and/or four-wheel-drives, many also had horses as well. Subsequently, Lewis and Cory began riding together and soon they found places they could go where they were unlikely to be discovered. During those times away from their regular world, the boys evolved to naked encounters. In those encounters, they kissed and embraced and writhed all over each other, eventually reaching a point where jerking each other off led to sucking each other as well.

 

From fourteen to eighteen years of age, Lewis’s life was for the most part repetitive, even though it was generally good. His home life was good because he loved his parents and never got in trouble. His school life was good because he put in the effort and was a smart kid. The time spent with his friends was fun and they all got on really well. Things barely changed, at least the things not related to his sexuality. Cory and Lewis maintained their secret life and barely a day past that they were not alone together for a quick or a drawn out encounter.

 

There was no thought of being boyfriends. They were just the best of friends who happened to be able to fulfil each other in ways other friends could not. Their constant encounters served to grow their friendship and led to them talking about life and the deeper meaning of things. As a consequence, they told each other everything and so Cory eventually found out how Lewis felt about Steve.

 

Though Cory did not understand how Lewis could be in love without a physical or an actual connection to Steve, he stopped questioning the validity when he noticed the way Lewis’s mood changed, each time Steve crossed their path. In those times, Cory was the ultimate friend and would do anything to make Lewis feel better.

 

If possible, whenever Cory was around when Lewis felt down from the sight of Steve, Cory would often drag Lewis away for a blow-job or a hand-job, as he attempted to get Lewis’s mind off the man that could change his friend from light to dark. Steve aside, Cory and Lewis continued their sexual liaisons, right up until school finished and Lewis left to go to the cattle station. At no point during their teenage years, though, did penetration become part of their sexual equation.

 

As much as Lewis loved Cory in an extra special friend kind of way, the experiences with Cory only showed him what he wanted to happen with Steve. No matter how much he told himself he would never be able to do those things with Steve, still he wanted to and imagined Steve obsessively every night alone in bed for years.

 

Before Lewis’s thirteenth year was over, one day Cory said something Lewis could not accept or believe.

 

“I don’t want to add fuel to the fire but I reckon Steve knows you’ve got it bad for him, Lewis. I reckon he enjoys it.”

 

“No way, Cory. That doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“Haven’t you noticed that every time you look at him, he manages to notice and look back?”

 

“Sometimes he looks at me but I’m sure it’s coincidence. You know I can’t help it. He’s so handsome and hot that I just have to look at him,” Lewis explained.

 

“No, Lewis, it’s like he always stands or sits in a position where you can see him. I’ve noticed on a few occasions he’ll even move so he has a clear line of sight to you. Maybe there’s more to this than I’ve given you credit for,” Cory said.

 

“Come on, Cory, as much as I’d like to believe that were true, I know it’s not. He’s always with different girls and he’s probably fucking them as well. I told you what happened when we were kids. If he’s looking at me in any sort of way, he’s probably trying to let me know he hasn’t forgotten and I’m still not allowed to tell anyone.”

 

“I don’t know, Lewis. I think I might be right,” Cory said with certainty.

 

The idea remained in Lewis’s mind for a short time and deep down he hoped it were true but a few months later school finished for the year and Steve left school for good. Lewis hated that Steve was not there but it did sort of make his last four years of school easier. He still saw Steve often in or around town during those years and each sight of him only consolidated the thoughts and the feelings that he was in love with Steve. Even so, Lewis continued to believe that there could never be what he wanted with Steve and so he continued to try to push the feelings away.

 

***

 

Shaking his head, Lewis knew that even though he was strong and fit, he would be dead on his feet if he even tried to do what Steve was doing on the track. Steve’s pace was unchanged, he did not look tired and his body still looked strong and capable. These thoughts along with his high opinion of Steve, only served to make Lewis feel an even greater desire for the man below.

 

Squeezing his erection, Lewis again asked himself what he thought he was doing. He recognised the feelings and how they interfered with him. Anytime Steve was not in his thoughts, his life seemed so smooth and faultless but the moment he let this man back into his mind, it seemed like time slowed down and the world moved in slow motion.

 

“This is how you felt for the last four years of school and you know it was the reason you left Taipan Creek the first time. Think about it, Lewis. By the time you settled into life at the station, everything got better. For those three years everything was fine and then you came back here and everything got all fucked-up again. Then another three years away from here in Sydney and life had never been so good. You come back here again and for the last four days everything has been fucked again. When are you going to learn? The time away on the cattle station should have taught you everything you needed to know but still you keep hanging on to some bullshit idea in your mind. Wake the fuck up, Lewis.”

 

Though Lewis felt sure his previous thoughts were correct, one part of those thoughts initiated a memory. His mind turned down a side street temporarily and he began to remember one particular night on the cattle station, which had been almost as influential as any other in his life. It was his first time with a stranger and his first time with an adult and though he did not know it, in combination with how he felt about Steve, the encounter determined the man he became in Sydney.

 

As he continued to gaze at Steve and wished he could hold him in his arms, still he allowed the other memory to step forward and take him back in time.

 

***

 

The cattle station Lewis began working on was a massive property. It centred on a huge homestead owned by one man and his family. There were many cowboys who lived in specially built quarters behind the house and in little to no time at all, Lewis became one of them.

 

Though he was employed to become a cattleman, his job also brought a lot of new skills in different areas. He became a skilled horseman, learned a bit about mechanical repairs and also picked up a thing or two about building, fixing and maintaining fences, sheds or anything that needed repair on the station.

 

For the first couple months Lewis felt a bit out of place but there were several reasons why. Initially it was because it was new and he had to learn. He also was still thinking about Steve and he was a little homesick as well. The most surprising reason for Lewis was because deep down he knew he was attracted to many of the men he worked with. They were big and rugged men and his mind was often ablaze with fantasies and imaginings of naked encounters he wished could happen. As time went by, though, he became one of the men, made a few friends and was soon trusted by all.

 

One night four months after arriving at the cattle station, as he stood in the darkness alone beside one of the equipment sheds, Lewis was staring up at the stars while drinking a beer before turning in. The silence was acute when unexpectedly he heard a noise. Knowing it came from the side of the shed, he walked to the corner and quietly peered around to see what had made the unusual noise. There in the dark he saw a silhouette, as he discovered one of the other men, jeans down to his thighs, hand wrapped around a sizeable erection and going hell for leather as he pounded his cock.

 

Instantly Lewis once again knew the hungry yet hesitant man that existed inside of his mind, heart and body. His erection in his jeans was immediate, his memories of Steve were instant and combining in a different way, there were the recollections of his closest friend, Cory.

 

Even though he could not see the face of the man around the corner, part of him wanted to let the man know he was watching. At the same time Lewis knew it was a huge risk and so he knew he had to remain silent. His heart was pounding, he was breathing heavily and all he could think about was wrapping his lips around the man’s hard cock.

 

Unconsciously, Lewis released a moan of desire and instantly feared the noise he made might have been loud enough to let the man know he was there. He pulled his head back, turned on his heel and walked swiftly toward a small corral of cattle, which were separated from the herd. Leaning on the corral, Lewis swigged on his beer and looked back up at the stars.

 

The sight of a man masturbating in the dark of night had sent his mind into a spin. His body was tense, his cock was hard and his heart was beating like it was trying to claw out of his chest. Sex, at least real, adult sex, existed as an imagined scenario in his mind, rather than as a reality. Steve had been one thing and Cory had been another but his mind was desperate for something more than the blowjobs of a teenage boy.

 

Hoping he had not been seen or heard by the man and therefore also hoping he would not be confronted by the man for watching, ironically, Lewis also wished he had been seen and wished he could be with the man and set all of his imprisoned desires free.

 

A few minutes later, Lewis heard a man’s voice say, “Pretty night.”

 

Turning, Lewis saw a man lean against the corral beside him, less than an arms length to his right. He looked at the man he knew by sight but did not really know. On a cattle station of this size, meeting everyone could take months. The man was from one of the other quarters and Lewis had never worked with him. As he looked at the man’s profile, the man turned and looked straight into his eyes. As dark as it was, Lewis could see the knowing expression in the man’s eyes and he knew the man knew he had been watching him.

 

Taking a deep breath, Lewis said, “Yeah, it’s a beautiful night.”

 

“Nights like this make me horny,” the man said, as if it were the most logical thing to say.

 

A little shocked, Lewis simply stared at the man, speechless.

 

“I’d just about kill to have a mouth wrapped around my hard cock. I’m Ray, by the way,” he said and stretched out his hand. It was the same hand that had been pumping his hard cock beside the shed.

 

Taking the hand into his own and shaking, Lewis said, “It’s good to meet you, Ray. I’m Lewis.”

 

“I think it’s this place, Lewis,” Ray said.

 

Lewis looked at Ray but did not know what he was suggesting. He looked into his eyes and replied, “I don’t understand, what about this place?”

 

“Size and distance, Lewis. It’s the loneliness and nothing but big, testosterone filled men. It’s almost a sexless environment. Don’t you get horny all the time? I bet you’d love a blowjob right now, too.”

 

Lewis had never spoken about sex so openly with anyone except Cory. He was surprised by how straightforward Ray was but Ray’s words were making his cock throb even harder. In a soft voice Lewis replied, “Yeah, I would.”

 

“I tell you, Lewis, I’d just about do anything and cross any line to have someone’s hand on my cock right now. Wouldn’t you?”

 

The word “Yes” was screaming in his mind, as he watched Ray’s tongue leave his mouth and sensually slide over his lips. Lewis thought that single action was going to make him blow in his jeans but then he looked down and saw Ray’s big, hard cock standing upright, as it poked out of the zipper and stared at the stars.

 

Though he was not sure for how long, Lewis stared at the cock for some time and could not look away. He wanted to reach out, he wanted to hold it and he wanted to drop to his knees and suck it. Just as his mind said, “How long have you been staring at Ray’s cock,” Ray stepped closer and turned. Lewis’s eyes flicked up to Ray’s eyes but then immediately dropped down to the big cock again.

 

“You want to touch it? You can,” Ray said.

 

Simultaneously, as he remembered hearing Steve saying similar words in the past, Lewis reached over and he wrapped his hand around Ray’s cock. He sighed as he began stroking the stiff and very solid rod. The heat of Ray’s hard cock made his palm sweat and he swallowed hard as he squeezed it. There was nothing in the world he wanted more in that moment.

 

Unexpectedly Ray’s hand came to rest on Lewis’s hand and stopped its movements. He pulled Lewis’s hand off his erection and then turned toward the shed where he had been only minutes before. He began to walk toward it and then he looked over his shoulder and said, “Come with me, Lewis.”

 

Lewis followed Ray eagerly and the moment they were behind the shed, Lewis was on his knees and Ray was moaning softly, as the lips and tongue slid back and forth all the way through climax. When Lewis stood back up, Ray pulled him against his body and kissed Lewis hard. As the kiss continued, Ray undid Lewis’s belt and pulled his cock out and stroked it. The moment Lewis started to moan in his mouth, Ray dropped to his knees and returned the favour. After Lewis came in Ray’s mouth and the bigger and older man had sucked him clean, Ray stood up, softly chuckled and then winked as he began to walk away. Lewis looked momentarily disappointed but Ray smiled as he looked over his shoulder again and said, “See you next time, Lewis.”

 

During his three years on the cattle station, Ray and Lewis became each other’s release for the entire period until Lewis left. It was not a nightly occurrence but at least three to four times per week, they met behind the shed or in some other random location for blowjobs. There was never any sexual penetration because Ray said he was straight. Though Lewis had his doubts about Ray’s sexuality based on the verve that Ray ravished his cock, sucked his balls and kissed him while touching and squeezing his arse, he was not about to argue in a place where Ray was the only man, he was aware of, to keep his desperateness at bay. In a way Lewis was dissatisfied he was not fucking but another side of him, which he was yet to understand, felt okay with the fact that sex with Ray was limited.

 

***

 

Still watching Steve, Lewis had a picture in his mind of Ray as well. While he was only eighteen when they met, Ray was thirty-five and a big bloke. He was not as handsome as Steve by any measure but he had a great body and a nice cock and he made Lewis feel like it was okay to be who he was. He knew there could never be more with Ray no matter what the circumstances but still, he was glad they met and his thoughts all these years later, were still warm and grateful for the time with Ray in his life.

 

Smiling about Ray as his mind turned to the last three years of his life, Lewis considered how different he was to the teenager he had been back then. Today he knew all there was to know. At this point in his life there was little he had not experienced, except for girls but that was something he knew would never happen.

 

As his mind began to go back in time again, he slid down slightly in his seat, crossed his legs at the ankles and once again wished things could be different with the man running around the track.

 

***

 

In Sydney, for most of the last three years, he could easily have been considered a compulsive sex maniac. Every night and on many a day as well, he picked up some of the hottest guys he had ever seen. Sex became like breathing air for Lewis and many of the stunning men he took home always wanted to see him again. On some weekends he hooked up with multiple guys over the course of the day and night. It was all too simple for him and he fell into it with ease.

 

Many of the hot, young men he took home or even the ones he just got off with in some random location, wanted to see him regularly. He never said no to a hook-up but if the guys began pushing for something more serious with him, he pushed them away.

 

As the days and months merged into years, he started hooking up with older guys, usually late twenties but for a brief time he picked up guys up to early forties. He soon discovered he preferred guys older than him, particularly about five years older but even they were summarily dismissed, if they started pushing to be the only man in his life. Regardless, no guy had ever said no to him, even though he said no to many. He became self-assured and confident and with each sexual encounter, he became dominant with every man. He was always in control.

 

***

 

Right at that moment as he stared at Steve running, he did not feel like he was in control at all. His thoughts of his life in Sydney and of always being in control with every guy he had sex with, showed him how different he was acting today. It frustrated him that Steve made him feel the way he did. He felt weak around Steve in a way that no other guy had ever been able to make him feel.

 

***

 

In his youth, Steve had called him cute but by the time his adolescence was complete, Lewis was becoming a hot number. When he left to work on the cattle station he was a good-looking teenager but by the time he returned to Taipan Creek and then left for Sydney, Lewis had become a very hot and masculine man. He had also truly discovered and accepted the man he was within.

 

Irrespective of how different city life was to country life, Lewis for the most part dressed the same. He was a flannel shirt, blue jeans and boots, country guy. Occasionally he did wear something different but it was little more then in fashion and over priced, body-hugging t-shirts or tank tops, which he discovered in Sydney. They showed his powerful definition to all who wanted to see, increasing the amount of guys that approached him. The only time he wore anything else was on a beach and there it was a Speedo with the rest of his large body out on display. It was always about attracting guys, something he had little problem doing.

 

Being a hot hunk and twenty-one in Sydney’s gay scene was an invitation for men to approach. He had not only become a strong man, he had become a strong individual as well and he dressed and looked like an alpha male. Additionally, he was fully capable of saying yes or no with certainty and without guilt. He believed in himself and believed he was in control, as he continued to decide whom, where, when and how he would fulfil his needs.

 

He was the country boy who became a country man living in the city. He had grown into a well-built man with a straight male persona. Now though, he was twenty-four and the epitome of a rugged, man’s man. He took what he wanted and got what he wanted whenever he wanted and that was why his life in Sydney was right.

 

***

 

Silently he thought, “Even with all this knowledge and experience, here you are sitting stealthily, staring like a virgin boy at a seriously hot hunk.”

 

Equally as silently, his emotional heart replied to his mind, “He’s unknowingly holding your heart in his hands and can crush it at any time. Maybe you should speak to him.”

 

Shaking his head “No” to the suggestion of speaking to Steve, an incongruous action considering Steve was the reason he was there, still he continued to gaze at the man. Equally as ironically, Lewis once again accused himself of foolishness for coming back. As he looked at Steve, though, Lewis knew why. He wanted to feel the love he had only ever felt with Steve. He also wanted to feast lustfully on that awesome, bigger body and he wanted the twenty-eight-year-old hunk to feast on him as well, just like he had on that long ago night. He also wished that Steve could love him, in the way Steve made him think he did that night. He continued to stare at the handsome face and hot body and once again his mind returned to the past.

 

***

 

When Lewis returned from the cattle station at twenty-one, he was shocked to learn that Cory was no longer in Taipan Creek. When he went to Cory’s home, his mother told him Cory had moved to Sydney and had been living and working there for two years. Lewis was in some ways a little devastated by the news because one of the first things he wanted to do on returning, involved stripping Cory naked and after some passionate kissing and touching and a good deal of sucking, he planned on asking if Cory would let him fuck him. Lewis had decided he wanted to be a top, he thought it was time to cast his virginity off and he believed Cory would make it easy for him to take his next step. Of course none of that happened but even more so, Lewis felt a bit lost because his best friend was gone.

 

***

 

Thoughts of Cory put a smile on Lewis’s face, as he continued to stare at Steve running around the track. He loved Cory in an absolute best friend kind of way. He could always rely on Cory no matter what happened in their lives. In a way, Lewis imagined Cory would probably be a great boyfriend and he half suspected that if he made the offer to Cory, he’d be all for giving it a go.

 

Even all these years later they were still occasionally getting it on with each other. It was not hard to do because when Lewis moved to Sydney, the person he moved in with and shared with was Cory. There was barely a week that Lewis did not give Cory a friendly raping on the couch or in either of their respective bedrooms. Cock sucking was a standard but in less than a week of moving in with Cory and consistently over the last three years, Cory had willingly given Lewis his arse on a regular basis, whenever Lewis was not with some other random guy.

 

Cory had learned about Lewis’s obsession with Steve when they were both still living in Taipan Creek. When Lewis told him he was thinking of returning to Taipan Creek for a vacation, Cory had told him it was not a good idea. Cory’s argument was that in the three years Lewis had been in Sydney, he had been happy and no longer the boy walking around looking depressed every time he saw Steve. He told Lewis if he went back it would only dredge up old shit he no longer needed in his life. He even offered his arse to Lewis for an entire weekend of unlimited fucking, if that would bring him to his senses and make him stay in Sydney.

 

Lewis smiled again. He only had to think of Cory and he smiled. The smile altered, though, as he gazed at Steve on the far side of the track. Instantly, Lewis’s mind returned to the time between coming home from the cattle station and going to Sydney.

 

***

 

Two weeks before Lewis left the cattle station and returned to Taipan Creek, a massive storm moved up from the Great Southern Ocean and literally drenched everything in its path. When he arrived home everything was back to normal and almost like nothing had changed at all. The only thing he thought was different was the empty space he found in Cory’s absence. Lewis spent some time with Paul and Ron but it just was not the same. He spent some extra time at home with his parents and as much as he enjoyed seeing everyone again, he felt a bit like a square peg in a round hole.

 

On his third day back in town, Lewis brought his horse out of the stable and went for a long ride south of his home. His destination was obvious even though it would not be the same. He wanted to visit the place he always went with Cory. There was nothing he could do there, except maybe have a wank in honour of his friend but when he got there, without Cory it seemed like a strange and unfamiliar place.

 

Turning the horse west, he headed toward town while not planning on going to town. All of a sudden he found himself gazing at something he had not seen in years. Instead of the standard rusty dirt that always lay baking like an overcooked pie, a literal ocean of wildflowers stretched out in front of him. The torrential downpour from a fortnight earlier had worked its magic.

 

Luminous, deep reds and purples, the hottest as well as the palest of pinks, bright, canary yellows and also oranges that snorted at the colour of the landscape, merged in a silk and velvet collage. There were even blues that seemed to dispute the nature of the colour blue. It was magnificent and Lewis felt a sense of peace overcome him.

 

Getting off his horse, he took off his shirt, left it draped over the saddle and walked into the rainbow sea. He allowed his horse to move freely as he ambled, knowing it would not run away. For ten minutes he walked around, feeling like he was on some alien world. He was hypnotized and almost thoughtless, as he seemed to drift above multi coloured air. He did not even consciously realise when he stopped and sat down, before staring into an endless, blue sky. Unexpectedly he was asking himself what he was going to do.

 

As the sun tanned his body and a breeze kept his perspiration to a minimum, only time knew how much time had passed before a warm and strong hand gripped Lewis’s shoulder and a manly voice said, “Are you okay, Mate?”

 

Turning his head and looking up, Lewis’s eyes locked onto the only set of eyes that could have shocked him. Steve looked back and as his eyes scanned the face looking at him so intensely, Steve’s eyes showed the distinct expression of a searching recollection. Steve was certain he knew the face but the face was somehow unfamiliar and the big body belonging to the face was equally as unfamiliar.

 

Lewis felt like he was drowning immediately and when his lips parted he said, “Steve?”

 

With an apparent realisation, Steve suddenly knew he was looking at Lewis when he heard the other man say his name. His gaze moved swiftly over the face once again and then locked deep into the eyes. A moment later, he looked at the powerful, male body and he took notice of the soft, light brush of chest hair, along with the broad shoulders and strong arms.

 

Catching himself from looking at Lewis too much, Steve said, “Well fuck me dead, Lewis, look at you? You’ve grown up and become a man.

 

Lewis smiled, as he found a pleasing tone of appraisal in Steve’s remark. He stared at Steve’s handsome face and glanced at the small portion of the big chest he could see through a partially unbuttoned shirt.

 

“Are you okay, Lewis? What are you doing sitting way out here on your own?”

 

“I’m fine, Steve. I was just contemplating my navel,” he said but seeing Steve’s curious expression, he added, “Actually, I was considering what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Anyway, you showing up here, well that makes all of that less important.”

 

Steve looked at Lewis with a curious expression and then simply smiled. Following their first meetings at the waterhole, for every year that followed until they both finished school, Steve had always been aware of the way Lewis looked at him. At school, on the bus or even in town, whenever they were in the same place, Steve always noticed Lewis looking at him. In fact, sometimes he had purposely walked into Lewis’s line of sight, just so he could see the way Lewis looked at him and feel the way his gaze made him feel.

 

Squeezing his shoulder again, Steve plonked his arse on the ground right beside Lewis and swung his arm around his shoulders. He turned and looked into his eyes and said, “You know, Lewis, it’s pretty damned good to see you too.”

 

“It’s been a while,” Lewis replied.

 

“It’s been too long, Lewis. Where’ve you been and whatcha been up to?”

 

“Working on the cattle station up north for the last three years,” Lewis replied.

 

“Well I guess that explains your body. You’re looking pretty damn good, Lewis.”

 

“I’ll take that as a massive compliment coming from someone that looks like you, Steve.”

 

“Not really,” Steve said and pulled off his shirt. “Look at me, Lewis, I’ve let myself go and I’m drinking too much of the amber liquid. I used to be tight and taut but I’ve lost something of the body I used to have.”

 

Lewis allowed his eyes to scan every millimetre of the uncovered skin. Steve was still big, he was still muscled up and his skin was still really smooth and tanned. Lewis noticed Steve had a slight, rounded paunch at his belly but the reality was that Steve still looked incredibly desirable. Just for a moment Lewis wondered if Steve was being a show-off.

 

“You still look damned hot to me,” Lewis said, holding his breath while waiting to see how Steve would react to his obvious remark.

 

“You think I look hot, Lewis?”

 

“Come on, Steve, you were always the hottest and best looking guy in Taipan Creek. Look at your chest and body, even if you’re hitting the beer more than you should, you’re still seriously defined and cut and any guy would want your body. A bit of extra exercise and that tiny paunch will be gone.”

 

A genuine smile crossed Steve’s face as he looked into Lewis’s eyes. He let his body fall backwards onto the ground so he was lying down right beside Lewis. One hand was behind his head and the other was resting on his chest. He stroked his thumb over his nipple and he smiled as he looked up at Lewis. The old feelings were returning as he watched Lewis gazing down at him with that same look in his eyes. He then said, “Really, Lewis? Would you like to have my body?”

 

“You need me to state the obvious, Steve?”

 

Steve smiled but avoiding the question he said, “I’m glad I found you here, Lewis. It’s actually really nice lying here with you and talking to you again.”

 

Lewis dropped down as well but he lay on his side, his head propped up on his hand so he could look down into Steve’s eyes. He smiled at Steve and then as Steve watched him, he let his gaze glide over the naked flesh.

 

The men were now below the brightly coloured blooms of the flowers and hidden from the world. The sun was burning down on them and a wisp of a cooling breeze was passing over them.

 

As Steve watched Lewis’s eyes move to the bulge in his jeans, which was growing, he said, “Do you remember, Lewis?”

 

“Of course I remember, Steve.”

 

“I’ve often thought about those days,” Steve said.

 

“I always think about them,” Lewis replied, as he stared at Steve’s nipples and then slowly lifted his eyes and locked his gaze on Steve’s eyes.

 

“I should’ve come back,” Steve said.

 

“I wish you had but it was a long time ago and I never told a soul. We were just boys doing what boys do,” Lewis said, knowing it was not the truth, at least not for him.

 

“You made me blow, Lewis, for the very first time in my life. It wasn’t a particularly spectacular ejaculation but for me, at nine-years-old, it was a spectacular occasion,” Steve said and laughed and then closed his eyes.

 

“I’m glad I was the first,” Lewis said boldly, trying to let Steve know with certainty that he was gay.

 

“In all these years, no one has ever touched me the way you did that day, Lewis.”

 

Steve’s last words seemed to Lewis like an offer and he wondered if Steve wanted it to happen again. Steve, apparently a straight, hot guy was reminiscing about his cock being jerked off by another guy who made him blow. Now he was lying there shirtless, caressing his nipple and his eyes were closed. Lewis wondered if this was the time and the place where reality and dream could become one. Could this be the chance he always wanted?

 

In that split second Lewis decided he might go home with a black eye but he reached down, placed his hand on Steve’s smooth stomach and then slid his hand down until his fingers disappeared beneath the seam of Steve’s jeans. Steve did not flinch, he did not attempt to stop what was happening and he sighed the moment his cock was in Lewis’s hand.

 

All ready hard when Lewis’s fingers reached Steve’s cock, it was almost like all those years earlier, except that he was stroking a much bigger erection. Lewis squeezed its stiff thickness and rubbed his thumb over the slit, hoping for some early pre-come. It was dry but Lewis did not mind. He then lowered his head, pressed his lips to Steve’s left nipple and sucked as he stroked the big cock firmly. Steve moaned, reached over and pushed against the back of Lewis’s head, forcing his lips tighter around his nipple. Lewis sucked harder and then caressed the nub with the tip of his tongue.

 

Lewis moaned, Steve groaned and then Lewis felt pre-come. He wiped it, pulled his hand out of the jeans and sucked it from his thumb. Steve’s eyes opened and watched him and as Lewis looked back into his eyes he said with a grin, “It’s thick and creamy and sort of bittersweet.”

 

Steve snorted with amusement and then Lewis popped the button, split the zip and pulled the erection into the sunlight, before he gripped Steve’s cock again. Immediately, Lewis started jerking the cock with intent.

 

“Oh yeah, Lewis, do it, do it.”

 

“Anytime, Steve. Anytime or every time, just give me your big cock. I told you a long time ago; I’ll make you happy as often as you want. You just have to come back.”

 

“Fuck, Lewis, I’m gonna blow,” Steve said with a gasping breath.

 

“Yeah, big boy, shoot that load and give it to me. I love your hard cock.”

 

“Aw Lewis, my hard cock is yours.”

 

Lewis pounded Steve’s cock until he shot all over his chest and belly. When it was over, Lewis leaned down and he licked up every drop of Steve’s seed. After his climax, Steve’s cock deflated like a balloon but by the time Lewis had cleaned his body with his tongue, Steve was completely boned up again. Lewis then looked at Steve and right before he pushed his lips onto Steve’s lips, he said, “Steve, I want to suck your cock and swallow your load.”

 

Though Lewis had no idea what was going on in Steve’s mind, as he kissed Steve passionately for the first time in his life, Steve’s entire body began to stiffen from head to toe. Steve had been thoroughly enjoying the touching, stroking and coming but all of a sudden, his mind took a one hundred eighty degree turn.

 

It was all in an instant but an entire dialogue played out in Steve’s mind in that moment. Letting a guy jerk his cock was okay. Letting a guy make him come was okay. A guy sucking another guy’s cock, though, well that would be gay. Letting a guy swallow his load would be gay, too. A guy kissing his lips was gay as well. Then, as his mind was running amok, he tasted his own seed on the man’s tongue that was in his mouth. Instantly his cock ejaculated again. His mind spun. Everything was turning him on and he wanted more. A moment later he heard the same silent words in his mind, which he had heard with Lewis on that day at the waterhole.

 

“I’m not gay.”

 

The change was immediate and Lewis was rolling as Steve pushed him hard, off and away from his body. As Lewis stopped rolling and looked up, all he saw was Steve running, putting his shirt on as he ran, before jumping on his horse and riding away.

 

Lewis stood up and watched as Steve rode into the distance. He then looked down and all of a sudden the sea of colour was dull and he felt like someone was draining the life out of his body. He looked around until he saw his horse, retrieved it and then slowly made his way back to his parent’s home.

 

Being back in Taipan Creek after leaving the cattle station had felt right for a brief time but it did not last long. Not working left him with little to do, Cory’s absence created a sense of loneliness and then the hurtful encounter with Steve made everything even worse. Days rolled by following that afternoon with Steve beneath the wildflowers and Lewis’s state of mind spiralled downward.

 

On the Wednesday of the following week, Lewis decided he was going to get drunk with an emphasis on shit-faced. He was feeling at odds with himself, he was feeling at odds with Taipan Creek and he was feeling at odds with the fact that his best friend was gone. He had wanted to leave the cattle station but now with Cory missing and with Steve repeating the past with no explanation, Lewis wished he were back at the station and moving even a single cow from one location to another. Anything to turned the shit off in his mind.

 

Showing up at the pub after dark, there was a good deal of the regular patrons but not as many as usual. Meeting up with Paul and Ron, with beers constantly in front of them, they talked of the old days at school, of their lives since school and of the ambitions they would like to achieve. The young men asked Lewis a lot of questions about working on a cattle station but soon enough they were talking about Corey and wondering how he was doing living in Sydney. They all were curious but none as much as Lewis, considering no one in Taipan Creek knew they were both gay.

 

The night passed by quickly and soon Paul and Ron were saying goodnight. Lewis called them old women with no staying power but though they laughed, soon they were gone and Lewis was left alone at a table in the corner with his back to the room.

 

At that point Lewis was not too many beers from achieving shit-faced, although, he was well and truly drunk. It was not too long afterwards, though, when another beer was placed in front of him from behind. As he turned to see who had bought him another beer, he watched as the most unexpected man sat down in the chair beside him and gave him a smile.

 

The man was obviously very drunk as well and he looked at Lewis with a sort of dazed and dopey expression on his face. He lifted his beer and said, “Cheers, Mate.”

 

In his drunken state, Lewis’s first thought was that the man was irresistible but his second thought left his mouth in slurred words when he said, “What the fuck?”

 

“Come on Lewis, don’t be angry with me,” Steve replied.

 

“Angry with you? I’m not angry with you, I, I, I don’t know what I am with you,” Lewis snarled. “I don’t know what you’re doing. You keep walking away from me and now it seems you keep coming back. What the fuck are you playing at, Steve?”

 

“Sshh,” Steve said, as he looked around the pub to make sure no one was watching or listening.

 

“Don’t shush me. Fuck you,” Lewis said loudly.

 

“I want to make it better,” Steve said softly.

 

“You want to make it better? You sound like a child, Steve. If you want to make things better then try not doing them in the first place,” Lewis said with frustration.

 

Steve put his hand under the table and rested it on Lewis’s knee, squeezing it gently. It never took long but with the amount of alcohol Lewis had consumed, he was already getting lost in Steve’s eyes. Regardless, as the pleading eyes looked at him and the soft, manly touch sent thoughts screaming into his brain, Lewis tried to hold onto some control and he pushed the hand away, picked up his beer and took a long drink.

 

Steve leaned in a little closer to Lewis and said quietly, “Let me make it better tonight. Let me take you out of here and we’ll go somewhere and I’ll make up for running away.”

 

Lewis looked at Steve wantonly and his mind was showing him imagined pictures. It only took seconds but Lewis imagined being naked with Steve in a bed, their big bodies all over each other, hot, deep kisses, cock sucking and finally, finally, finally…

 

A few minutes following, Lewis was nodding “Yes,” the men had finished their drinks and then they were walking out of the pub. A couple minutes later, even though Lewis had no idea where they were going, somehow he did not care as long as he was with Steve and he was going to get what he wanted.

 

At some point when they were far from the pub and not a soul was around, Lewis felt Steve’s arm slide around him, before pulling him warmly against his body, as they were walking or perhaps staggering in what seemed excessive darkness. Before any sense or need to question entered Lewis’s mind, they were at the extreme west of town, he was pressed up against a tree and Steve was all over him and his tongue was in his mouth. Lewis was going out of his mind and for all he cared he could have been lying on broken glass, as long as Steve was kissing him and holding him the way he was. Incongruously, his world suddenly made sense.

 

The next thing Lewis knew, Steve was unbuttoning and unzipping and dragging the clothes from his body. Once he had stripped Lewis naked, Lewis was dragging Steve’s clothes off him as well. He was vaguely aware of a trillion stars looking down at him smiling. He was then aware that being naked like he was, it was still hot and he could feel no breeze on his naked, sweating body. When he ran his fingers over Steve’s big muscles, Steve moaned loudly and then ordered Lewis to grab his stiff cock and squeeze it hard.

 

Nothing Steve said or did seemed wrong. In fact, everything he did seemed beyond right. The more minutes that ticked by, the hotter the situation was becoming. Steve’s kisses were no longer probing, now they were intensely passionate. His touching was no longer caressing, now it was forceful and beyond needful. The way Steve moved his big, thick cock, pressing it and sliding it and pushing it against Lewis, now it was like a new language on earth, a single sentence; “I want my cock inside of you and I want to fuck you right now.”

 

Lost somewhere between drunk on alcohol and shit-faced on lust and desire, Lewis hungered for nothing other than Steve inside of him. No one had ever been inside of him but if he let Steve inside of him, in a way it would mean that Steve would finally be his. He was not thinking about a bed or soft sheets or somewhere more inviting; all he was thinking about was those arms around him, that chest against him, those lips on his and that tongue in his mouth and finally, Steve’s thick, hard cock, driving into the depths of his body. He looked down at that big cock and at that moment, it was dripping like a tap, a long, unbroken stream from faucet to sink.

 

As if his mind had been read like a book, two arms wrapped around him, hugely muscled and strong. Then came the hungry kiss that was verging on male-on-male desperateness. Somewhere, in the midst of all the feelings and the touches and the taste of that tongue, Lewis felt his right leg being lifted and pushed very wide, opening a clear passage to enter him from the front. A split second later, the fat crown of Steve’s cock was pressing against his pucker and beginning to push.

 

Lewis could feel the creamy surface lubricating him without need of any spit or product. Steve’s cock was slippery and sliding and then suddenly their bodies were becoming one. The feeling of that warm, fleshy and yet inflexible rod sliding deeper and deeper was like nothing Lewis had ever known. There was an agonising moment of pain and then a strange sensation of burning but then as he opened his eyes and looked into Steve’s eyes, Steve’s tongue slid into his mouth as his cock slid all the way into his body. In that moment Lewis gave himself to a man, to his very first man for the very first time and to the only man he had ever wanted to give himself to.

 

As Steve began to thrust, Lewis tightened his hold on the big body and tried to crush him closer. Steve tightened his hold as well, kissed Lewis like he wanted to devour him and soon, in an environment few people would ever know or comprehend, sexually Lewis was taken to an exceptional place within that place, as Steve made love to him with a tender violence. In a random moment within the deep darkness and their all consuming, sensual lust, Lewis said, “I love you, Steve.”

 

It was over two hours later when the imagined world of two boys had tasted the real world of two men. They were both still incredibly drunk and both were spent of energy. Still naked, though, they were seated at the base of the tree that had supported the wild storm of their needs. Side-by-side, Steve held Lewis in his arms, as Lewis continued to rest his head on Steve’s shoulder while his fingers caressed Steve’s chest. Once more, this time in a quiet whisper, Lewis repeated, “I love you.”

 

Though different for each, both men had something inside that they wanted to say. Steve wanted to tell Lewis that he could not be what Lewis wanted and Lewis wanted to tell Steve that he had just changed his world. Neither man, though, knew at that point how the other would react and so they sat in silence. When Steve finally felt he was rejuvenated enough, he stood and began to get dressed. Lewis followed suit but when they were both ready to walk back into town, Steve turned to Lewis and said, “That was great, Lewis. See you later.”

 

Lewis stood still and was stunned, as he watched Steve walking away, as if two strangers had stopped briefly to remark on the weather in passing. His world had just changed, irrevocably, forever. However, Steve seemed untouched by the monumental nature of what had just taken place.

 

Allowing anger rather than devastation to move him, Lewis walked slowly, allowing the distance between them to grow. Darkness spread out everywhere and was only occasionally disturbed by a random streetlight. Steve was already gone and nowhere in sight, when Lewis finally reached the pub and got into his four-wheel-drive. Lewis drove home carefully, in spite of the growing anger that was filling every cell of his body.

 

It was not until late afternoon, early evening of the following day, when Lewis was recovered enough from his hangover and able to clearly focus on the events of the night before. He was hurt, he was angry and he wanted to smash Steve in the face. Every time he was with Steve and something happened between them, it always seemed so much more than it was. Every time Steve walked away and went back to his life like nothing had happened and every time, Lewis was left to dig his way out of some confusing, insufferable hole.

 

Once again Lewis got into his four-wheel-drive and drove into town. He had no idea where Steve would be but he suspected the pub would be the most likely choice. As he pulled in to park, a smiling Steve across the road waved to him and then ran across and opened his passenger side door. He got into the vehicle and turned and looked at Lewis like everything in the world was good but then immediately, he saw the look on Lewis’s face.

 

“What’s wrong, Lewis? You look like someone’s died.”

 

“What’s wrong? You’re what’s wrong, Steve.”

 

“What? What did I do?”

 

“Last night,” Lewis replied.

 

“What about it? I thought you’d be happy now,” Steve said.

 

“Now? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

 

“Nothing. I just meant happy,” Steve said.

 

“Happy? Oh okay. So you make me happy and then what? What’s next, Steve?”

 

“What do you mean what’s next?”

 

“Steve, you made love to me last night.”

 

“What? No. We just played around when we both needed it. I don’t make love with guys, Lewis. I’m not gay. You wanted something and I gave it to you. It was fun, it was exciting and we both enjoyed it. We can do it again if you want to because I promise I’d be up for it but you can never tell anyone, just like I told you when we were boys. You can touch my cock and play with it and make me come as much as you want. You told me you loved looking at my cock and touching my cock so any time you want to, just let me know.”

 

“Are you for real, Steve?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Oh please don’t say those words. Don’t tell me you were so drunk last night you don’t remember what happened?”

 

Steve looked down at the floor of the vehicle and sighed loudly. He then slowly turned and looked at Lewis and said, “Why do you have to push this, Lewis? I like you, okay? I really like you but why do you have to make an issue out of it?”

 

“Because it is an issue, Steve. It’s an issue for the exact reason you just said. You really like me. I love that you really like me but I don’t want how much you like me being hidden behind the word, Mate. If my gist of what’s going on here is correct and I think it is, then you’re a man hiding inside yourself. If that’s what you really want to do then say the words, I’ll say good luck and then I’ll be out of your life for good.”

 

“What? No, that’s not what I want,” Steve replied.

 

“Trust me, Steve, I know that’s not what you want. Does the old adage ‘Want your cake and eat it too,’ mean anything to you?”

 

“Why can’t we just enjoy the cake together? Why can’t we just keep baking cakes and eat as much as we want together? There doesn’t have to be all these issues if we don’t want them,” Steve replied.

 

“Oh but there will be issues. I don’t want you eating different flavours of cake. I only want the one type of cake and I want to eat it only with you.”

 

“You’re asking me to make a statement and a promise, Lewis. I don’t want to make a statement and I don’t want to make that statement to the world or even just to this town. I don’t even want to make that statement to my parents. I might be able to make the promise to you, in fact, since we were boys I’ve known if there was anybody I could make that promise to, it’d be you. I never really understood that until now but it’s true. You’ve always remained in my mind, Lewis, even if we don’t really know each other. I mean it doesn’t make sense but that’s how I feel about you. It just took until that day in the wildflowers for me to know it. Anyway, as for the rest that you’re asking of me? No, I can’t do it and I won’t.”

 

“Steve, enough of the metaphors and let’s just say it. I’m gay and so are you.”

 

“No, I’m not,” Steve said firmly.

 

“Last night you got naked with another man. You held his naked body against your naked body and you kissed him, with tongue and passionately. You also got hard with that naked man and you put your hard cock inside his virgin arse and if you don’t like the phrase ‘Making Love’ then let me say, ‘You Fucked’ that naked man like your life depended on it. You had sex with a man last night. Steve, I was that man and you held my cock, you jerked me off, you made me come and then you licked my seed off your hand and swallowed it. You blew, not once but twice inside of me, as you fucked me for well over an hour. Please, tell me how you’re not gay?”

 

Steve looked at Lewis with pleading in his eyes but as soon as he saw the fixed stare coming back from Lewis, he turned away and stared out the window. He then clenched his fist, struck the door loud and very hard and then looking at Lewis again, he said, “Well then, that’s it and we’re done. I imagined it for years, it was long awaited and it was good while it lasted but I won’t be dictated to by you or by anyone else. Goodbye, Lewis.”

 

From the moment he left home, Lewis had no idea what would happen when he confronted Steve but now, he had all the details he needed to understand everything. Steve was gay but in a closet with so much depth, he could probably walk out the other side in Canada. Lewis had not expected any of this but as much as he hated what the outcome meant, he was not about to walk deeper into a closet he was almost ready to come out of in Taipan Creek. He watched Steve get out and slam the door. He watched as Steve turned and looked back at him. He watched Steve’s eyes fill with fury and then he watched him turn and walk away. He wondered if he was the first person to ever say no to Steve.

 

As he turned the key in the ignition and the vehicle started, instantly the impact of what he was losing as he supported his own needs with integrity, darkened his world like a great cloud. He looked at Steve one last time, he knew he loved him more than ever before but he put the vehicle into gear and began to drive back to the family home.

 

The drive was incredibly difficult. Steve had revealed he had held him in his heart since they met. Steve may not have understood what it meant until last week but he knew now. He’d also suggested he’d been waiting for him in some secret, underlying way. Lewis now knew Steve liked him, cared about him and wanted him in his life. It made him want to do a U-turn and go back. Even so, as hard as it was for him to keep driving, Lewis knew forward was the only way to walk and unfortunately, Steve wanted him to walk backwards. Lewis was not about to let that happen.

 

“It’s time,” Lewis said.

 

He had never told anyone in the outback he was gay except for Cory, Ray and now Steve. He wanted to tell his parents that night but he called Cory’s mother beforehand, got Corey’s phone number in Sydney and after talking to Cory for hours, he put off talking to his parents and two days later, he was driving into an alien world, a place known to everyone as Sydney.

 

***

 

Following remembering those very specific memories of the melodrama that had been playing out in his mind for years, Lewis expected that this time would be no different. As he looked down at Steve running, he was now sure that following that memory, he would feel the hurt and the anger and the disappointment again. Instead, he felt sorry for Steve. He wondered how Steve was doing and some part of Lewis hoped Steve would not be alone forever. Even so, he could not help but once again notice the sight of Steve proved constantly, he was the one man in the world who could claim him in an instant. In that moment, he knew with one hundred percent certainty, even after three years in Sydney, he was still in love with this man.

 

“Shit, I have to get out of this town and go home to Sydney. I can’t let him drag me back into that place in my mind. From the moment you sat down here and started watching him, you told yourself this was wrong and it was foolish. You were right and it’s time to leave,” Lewis thought.

 

Briefly glancing to the east, in the direction he knew led to his family home, Lewis knew there was a second reason he had decided to come back to Taipan Creek. It really was time this time. He had to tell his parents he was gay. Part of him was still a little fearful but his heart was whispering to him again, this time telling him they loved him and would accept him. If anything, he thought they probably would be angry with him because of how long he had waited to tell his truth. He was twenty-four, after all.

 

As he turned his head back toward the track, Lewis watched Steve complete the last of his circuits, as he passed his sports bag for the twentieth time. His run became an instant walk but he did not stop as he walked in large figure eights, trying to catch his breath while not allowing himself to fall to the ground exhausted.

 

Lewis looked at Steve’s stomach and realised how flat and tight it was. The little paunch was long gone, replaced once again by eight, ripped, abdominal muscles. Again he looked at the huge chest and then at the entirety of the sculpted body. Lewis had to catch his breath as well, though for a very different reason. He wanted Steve again, desperately.

 

“As soon as he leaves, I’m out of here,” Lewis thought and then followed that thought with another, “I’m going home and coming out to Mum and Dad and then I’ll meet up with Paul and Ron and come out to them as well. It’s time to tie up the loose ends. I need a clear understanding of exactly what meaning Taipan Creek will carry for the rest of my life. As for him, I hope he finds what he needs but he’s not for me, he’s not what I want or need and it’s time to close this book for good.”

 

The ten minutes that followed as Steve returned to his bag, changed into his clothes and then left the field, tore Lewis apart. He believed he was doing the right thing, even though in the final moments as he watched him leaving, almost every cell of his body was screaming at him to call out, to stop Steve and to tell him he was there.

 

Waiting another five minutes just in case, Lewis finally stood up, walked down and made his way through the school. He returned to his vehicle, started it and slowly drove home. He talked to his mother for a while but he was not prepared to say a word until that evening, when his father was home as well.

 

That night, Lewis was shocked when after finally coming out to his parents; they took the news really well. They showed no disappointment and told him his life was his own and that he had to follow the course that was right for him. In addition, they told him it was not their opinion that it was wrong or abnormal; it was simply another variation of the diversity of human life.

 

After hugs and kisses and lots of smiles, they spent the evening together and eventually they all turned in for the night, like it was just another night of many. The following day, Lewis made two calls and asked Paul and Ron if they could meet him for lunch at the café restaurant in the town centre. Once again, to his great surprise, both his friends reacted okay. Paul was a little standoffish but accepted the truth about his long-time friend and Ron told him he did not care if he wanted to fuck wombats, as long as Lewis did not try anything on him.

 

When Lewis returned home that afternoon, for the most part he was pretty damned happy and relieved. He wanted to spend time with his mother but oddly she had gone out and so he was left alone twiddling his thumbs and wondering what to do. Wearing nothing but his briefs, as he lay on the old lounge that seemed to have existed for as long as he could remember, he decided that maybe it was time to head back to Sydney. He could not wait to get back and tell Cory how everyone had reacted and how much of a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and taken from his mind.

 

Deciding he could not wait, he stood up, went to his room and picked up his phone that was lying on his bed. He thought a text would do the trick but as he was typing it, he looked out his bedroom window and stared at the waterhole. He smiled, considered how hot and sweaty he was and then decided a swim would be great before he left for Sydney the next morning. It had been years since he had last swam in the waterhole and it somehow felt fitting as a final release from Taipan Creek.

 

He suddenly felt like he was completely free. He dropped his phone back onto the bed without finishing the text. He pushed his briefs to his ankles and kicked them off but while remaining naked, he picked up the shorts he had worn earlier and left his bedroom. He walked out of the empty house into the daylight and as the burning sun shone deliciously down onto his naked body, he ran down the grade fast. He did not stop, he simply threw his shorts to the ground as he reached the bank and then jumped high into the air and allowed his body to thrust down and bomb into the water.

 

Laughing loudly as he broke through the surface, Lewis had a huge smile on his face. As he turned around to face the bank, though, his eyes came abruptly to a halt and locked onto Steve, who was sitting naked in the sun just outside of the shade of the tree. Lewis felt his stomach tumble and as he watched the irresistible smile cross Steve’s handsome face, he felt his heart skip a beat.

 

“Lewis,” Steve called out excitedly.

 

***

 

In the three years since Lewis had left and gone to Sydney, Steve had been left with way too much time to think. After Lewis had confronted him, Steve had to deal with the truth that Lewis had exposed. It was also a truth Steve realised he had to come to terms with. Two days after walking away and leaving Lewis in his four-wheel-drive at the pub, Steve overheard Paul and Ron talking in the pub and learned that Lewis had moved to Sydney.

 

Back then Steve was twenty-five and his denial had been shattered by Lewis. It was not just the strange connection that had always existed between them. Additionally, it was not just his first complete experience with a man; it was also, if not specifically, that Lewis had told him he loved him. Those three words on that night had caused an upheaval inside of him. Days later, with Lewis gone, Steve was left with no one to turn to and nothing but memories to consider.

 

In those three years there were the memories of a boy who had liked him, touched him and made him blow. There were memories of a boy who had stared at him intensely for years. In those years in the silence of his mind, that boy had always gotten under his skin. As the years rolled by, the cute little boy turned into a handsome teenager whose eyes never showed anything but love and desire. Finally, a hot, hunky, grown man suddenly appeared amidst wildflowers and the eyes were still the same.

 

When Lewis left, Steve was left with memories of a reconnection in wildflowers that brought something back to the surface. The memory shrouded him and seemed to strangle him, when in the darkness of night the most extraordinary encounter was completed with Lewis telling him he loved him. Steve had been forced to see his true reflection, causing him to accept that the silent one in the mirror was actually the real self he denied.

 

Those three years that ticked by since the tumultuous night that turned him inside out, caused Steve to become a changed man. Though occasionally in that first year he continued to hook-up with women, each time his dissatisfaction grew to levels he could hardly bear. Eventually as a consequence, he realised he wanted to see Lewis again but he felt guilty for his words and actions. He therefore made no attempt to try to contact Lewis. Irrespective of that side of the coin, the other side of the coin was about truth and desire and he began to change his life because of it.

 

Exercising became a daily necessity for Steve. In a way he was fixing one thing instead of another but even though he believed he would probably never see Lewis again, still he wanted to look good for Lewis, just in case the man who loved him returned. He constantly thought about Lewis and how he had let him slip away. With each day, month and year, his memories as a boy with another boy became clearer and he began to understand and truly accept what all those feelings inside him had meant.

 

This year, though, as time continued to move forward and the chance of seeing Lewis seemed more unlikely, out of the blue he felt a need to find something tangible from those memories, which were based on a twenty year period.

 

One day he returned to the waterhole where it all began. As he lay alone, once again he recalled the touch of the boy he allowed to disappear from his life. Age meant nothing because all that mattered was the boy wanted him to come back and be his friend. He did not need to colour the memories because it was obvious the little boy loved him and so the waterhole became his only real connection. In that very real place but lost in time, the waterhole became the place to maintain his hold. Soon he was returning regularly, always wishing and hoping that Lewis would appear. Of course, he never did.

 

***

 

As Lewis looked at the deeply tanned, naked body of the man he had watched at the oval the afternoon before, he asked aggressively, “What the fuck are you doing here, Steve?”

 

The smile on Steve’s face vanished instantly, when he heard the angry tone of voice.

 

“You know, Steve, I never did get to tell you all those years ago but this is not your waterhole. It’s on private property, a property that belongs to my parents and you don’t have the right to just come here whenever you want. Why are you even here, there are other waterholes around this town you could use, why this one?”

 

Steve looked at Lewis with a disappointed expression and replied, “Habit?”

 

Walking out of the water onto the bank, Lewis felt angrier. He was not consciously aware of it but it had nothing to do with Steve using the waterhole. He simply felt angry toward Steve and every word that left his mouth was aggressive.

 

“Habit? Well maybe you should change your habits. A person should be able to take a swim without you changing their life by showing up anytime you feel the desire.”

 

Steve looked at Lewis oddly and thought, “What? Changing their life?”

 

The words seemed out of place. Changing someone’s life by swimming in a waterhole made no sense. He knew Lewis was trying to say he should not be there and he had no right to be there but those three particular words seemed inappropriate.

 

“I’m sorry, Lewis. I didn’t mean to upset you or cause a problem. I come here all the time because…”

 

Lewis interrupted, “All the time? What if my mother came down here for a swim and found you naked like that?”

 

For a moment Steve felt guilty and he stood up to leave but as he looked at Lewis, he saw Lewis’s eyes moving all over his naked body, checking him out. While looking at Lewis’s body, also naked and right in front of him, Steve could not help but notice Lewis’s cock begin to thicken. Steve’s face remained expressionless but he wondered if Lewis still liked him. The thought naturally evolved and he wondered if maybe Lewis still loved him.

 

As the thought went through Steve’s mind, it suddenly occurred to him that maybe what Lewis had said earlier meant something else, even if it was accidental. Could ‘Changing someone’s life’ have been a Freudian slip? Suddenly it seemed like a very pointed remark. The thought gave Steve some hope and he could not help it when he grinned.

 

Lewis glared at him and asked, “What about this is amusing to you?”

 

“Nothing, Lewis. I’m not amused, I’m actually happy to see you. After we caught up last time, I was disappointed you left.”

 

“Caught up? Is that what you called it?”

 

“I’m sorry, Lewis. I’m sure you think I’m full of shit.”

 

Lewis stared at the man he loved. The idea Steve was disappointed he had gone to Sydney brought underlying feelings that filled him. He wanted it to mean more than its definition suggested. Part of him wanted to walk into Steve’s arms, part of him wanted to kiss those lips and part of him wanted Steve to make love to him right there beside the waterhole. Unfortunately, an enforced part of him was screaming silently in his mind, telling him to tell this arsehole to fuck off and stay away forever.

 

Steve took a single step toward Lewis but instantly Lewis took a step backwards. Steve stopped the moment he noticed and again he wondered if he should just leave. The moment the question crossed his mind, though, Steve knew leaving was the last thing he wanted to do.

 

For a moment, both men stood frozen while staring at each other and neither said a word. There was the sense of a stalemate, individually causing internal, arguing thoughts, as both men were choosing silence over words and stillness over approach.

 

Finally breaking the seconds of silence that seemed like an eternity, Lewis said, “Well, I think you should leave.”

 

For a split second Steve was about to turn away but every part of him was so aware all he wanted to do was stay. The little voice in his mind suddenly screamed four simple words that made sense. Unfortunately they required him to come up with a spontaneous idea to turn the situation around.

 

“Say something, you idiot,” Steve thought.

 

Never in his entire twenty-eight years had Steve ever felt such pressure to act. As the pressure grew, his happiness of seeing Lewis again was diminished. The sexual attraction as Lewis stood naked in front of him, also faded into the background. The pounding of his heart, which was still happening, was now being added to by a feeling that if he did not say something in the next few seconds, any chance he had would be lost.

 

Forcing himself, Steve said, “Lewis?”

 

“What?”

 

“Can’t we…” he trailed off.

 

“Can’t we what? What do you want, Steve?”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Sorry for what?”

 

“I was an idiot,” Steve said and looked down at the dirt between them.

 

Though Lewis innately wished Steve wanted to tell him he loved him, he did not believe that could ever be the case. He assumed Steve probably just wanted another self-satisfying encounter, where Steve would lay on the ground with his eyes closed while he made Steve hard and then made him blow again.

 

“Is that supposed to be news to me, Steve? You’re not just an idiot, you’re an arsehole.”

 

Steve’s gaze lifted from the ground and looked at Lewis with a hurt expression, even though he understood why Lewis had said what he did. He considered what he needed to explain and what he needed to say. He knew it could not be summed up in the seconds he felt was on offer. That single thought, though, initiated the words that left his mouth.

 

“Lewis, I know you don’t think I deserve your time but can we just sit down so I can talk to you. Can you please let me talk and explain some things I need you to understand?”

 

“Don’t you dare say yes because you know what happened last time; two hours of the hottest sex before being left in the dark alone. You thought it all through yesterday and you know you don’t want to be dragged back into this mess. It’s simple; look him directly in the eyes and say no. All you have to do is tell him to leave,” Lewis thought.

 

“Okay,” Lewis said.

 

Steve’s smile was not only huge it was also destructive, as Lewis’s heart began to melt like it always did.

 

Steve asked, “Do you want to sit in the sun or in the shade?”

 

“The sun,” Lewis replied.

 

Steve walked directly to where they had lay so many years before and he turned and watched as Lewis came over beside him. Lewis made certain he put at least a metre between them as they sat down. Steve noticed Lewis seemed restless, as if he did not really want to be there with him.

 

When Lewis finally seemed a little more at ease, he looked up at Steve who was staring at him with that damned smile on his face. It made him feel like he was being lured into the most beautiful and colourful spider’s web.

 

“What are you smiling at? You wanted to talk, so talk,” Lewis said aggressively.

 

“I didn’t know, Lewis. I really didn’t, not all those years ago. I mean I did know but I didn’t want to know but you, you had no idea what you were doing or how you were making me feel. You couldn’t have even guessed about the thoughts you were uncovering in my mind.”

 

“What? What the fuck are you talking about, Steve? I haven’t got the slightest idea of what you just said.”

 

“I’m talking about here on the bank of this waterhole, Lewis. The first time was great but it was the second time, I mean that was the first time the door in my mind opened.”

 

“I’m still totally confused, Steve? What door? What are you talking about?”

 

Steve sighed. He had no idea how difficult actually talking about this out loud would be. It seemed easy in his mind but sewing the thoughts into words while he felt like he was waiting for the turn of Caesars thumb, it was overwhelming. It had been hard enough that day when Lewis confronted him outside the pub but back then he had denied everything in words and actions. He had simply tried to justify what he stubbornly wanted, rather than what he knew he desperately needed.

 

“I’m, um… Shit, Lewis, you were four-years-old and I was only nine. I thought I was so smart for a kid my age and you being so much younger, only made me feel like I knew everything. I knew from the first time how much I loved it when you had my cock in your hand. I tried not to come back but I had to come back and I was just as happy to see you the second time, as you were to see me. I was so glad when you touched my cock again. I just didn’t know I was going to blow for the first time in my life. That changed everything, Lewis.”

 

“I didn’t know it at the time but it changed everything for me, too, Steve.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Hell yeah. As you said, I was only four and I didn’t know anything and I certainly didn’t know I was going to be gay. Shit, I didn’t even know what gay was. The only thing I did know that day was how excited I felt when your hard cock was in my hand. I didn’t understand why but I loved the excited feeling. I wanted you to be my friend but being able to touch you and touch your cock was the other reason why I wanted you to come back all the time.”

 

“It was?”

 

“Of course. I may not have known I was going to be gay but I obviously was. Touching you and stroking you and being with you, well, think about it, Steve, you were directing me without even knowing you were,” Lewis explained.

 

“I never thought about it from your side,” Steve replied.

 

“Obviously,” Lewis said.

 

“The thing is, Lewis, my body grew up faster than I did. I’ve learned it’s not unusual and that some boys do mature sexually a lot earlier than other boys do but when you made me blow for the first time, it made me understand some things about me that I’d never understood before.”

 

“Like what?”

 

Steve asked, “Do you remember Chris Maddon?”

 

Lewis replied, “I don’t remember the name, should I?”

 

“He was one of my friends from school. I just thought that maybe you’d remember him. He moved away years ago and he lives up in the Northern Territory.”

 

“Oh yeah, Chris. He was always with you at school. I didn’t know his last name but I know who you’re talking about,” Lewis clarified.

 

“I liked Chris,” Steve said.

 

“So?”

 

“I didn’t understand the way I liked him,” Steve explained.

 

“Oh,” Lewis replied.

 

“Lewis, do you remember afterwards? I mean, when you were lying on top of me and I was hard?”

 

“I never forgot it, Steve.”

 

Steve smiled and gave a little chuckle but said, “Well, as much as I wanted what was happening, I was wishing that because you were so young and because you didn’t really understand, I started wishing Chris and I could do what you and I were doing.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Yeah, Lewis. I’ve been thinking about all of this for the last few years. Ever since you left to be honest. Chris was straight and nothing would’ve or could’ve ever happened like that but also, you must’ve known what a lot of the people around here thought about gay people back in those days. It was frowned upon, it was considered taboo and generally it was thought of as wrong.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Lewis said.

 

“Well, even though I only had an inkling of an understanding of what it was or what it meant when I was nine, with you naked on top of me, with you touching my cock and with the way you liked me so much, it brought so many feelings to the surface that suggested I was gay. I wanted to stay with you all day but you were so young and so you sort of became a mixture of you and Chris. Suddenly my mind was telling me everything I was doing and thinking was wrong. That’s why I got angry with you and why I left. I loved it, I hated it and I was scared of it, all at the same time. I had to stop it all in its tracks and run. I couldn’t see any other answer.”

 

“I didn’t know,” Lewis said with both disappointment and surprise.

 

“I know you didn’t but understand, Lewis, I didn’t fully understand either.”

 

“I get it,” Lewis said.

 

“After that day, all of the time I spent with Chris was different. I felt something for him but I could never say anything. Like a normal friend I talked to him and listened to him and followed his lead. If Chris thought it, then so did I. If Chris did it, then so did I. The years went by and soon we were spending time with girls. Things seemed okay and whenever I had thoughts I just pushed them away. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that alone, Steve.”

 

“Shit, Lewis, my biggest problem was you,” Steve said.

 

“Me? What the fuck did I do?”

 

“No matter where I was, Lewis, every time I turned around you were there and staring at me. The way you looked at me, it kept all those thoughts I was trying to keep at bay, alive and well in my mind. I loved it, though. Shit, Lewis, I looked forward to seeing you everyday, just so I could feel how you made me feel. I knew you thought or felt more about me then anyone else. You never stopped. I loved getting on the bus in the morning so I could see you look at me. During the day at school, if you weren’t somewhere that I could see you, I’d go looking for you. I hated you for that and yet I couldn’t stop myself.”

 

“Why didn’t you come and see me and talk to me?”

 

“Isn’t it obvious, Lewis? I didn’t want to admit it even though I knew it was true. When I finished school I felt a sense of relief, even though sometimes I wished I were back at school so I could get you to look at me. When I saw you in town during the years after school, it didn’t matter what I was doing, I had to make sure you saw me, just so I knew you still wanted to look at me.”

 

“What a waste of time,” Lewis said.

 

“Yeah, I suppose so. At least now I think so but back then, my hidden thoughts and feelings and you, they were the bane of my existence. When you left for those first three years, though, everything seemed better. I went out and partied and picked up women and fucked all the time. It all seemed like things were changing and like there’d be no looking back. I felt good and I felt like my life was great.”

 

“So who did you meet? What changed?”

 

“You did, Lewis. You came home and I found you sitting in the wildflowers. I didn’t even know it was you. I thought you were some bloke who was sick or had been bitten by a snake or something. Fuck man, when I saw you that day, when I saw the man you’d become and when I was sitting there with you, years of thoughts and feelings and hidden desires came flooding back. It was like the monsoon rains coming down from Asia and drenching the north east of Australia.

 

“I swear, Lewis, the way you looked at me, I really knew for the first time just how much you wanted me. It was like a trap and once I was in it, I didn’t want to escape. Somehow I was here at this waterhole, even though I was surrounded by wildflowers. In those moments I wanted everything to break open. I wanted you to touch me again and more than anything, I wanted my cock in your hand. Then it was.

 

“Damn it, Lewis, for the first time in my adult life, I was in some magical dream but even as everything seemed so perfect, all those old thoughts about being considered gay and different, came rushing back into the light of day. I freaked out and that was why I took off as fast as I could.”

 

“I can’t believe you’re telling me all of this, Steve. Is all of this for real or are you just hoping I’ll jerk you off again?”

 

“I admit, Lewis, I’d love it if my cock was in your hand again but no, I’m telling you all of this because it’s the truth and I need you to know.”

 

Lewis asked, “So why? I mean after. I mean that next week?”

 

“Lewis, what happened that night was like nothing I could’ve imagined. In all honesty and seriousness, the sex with you was the best sex I’ve ever had. The entire time it was happening I was in heaven and more relaxed than ever before. While I was inside of you, I knew I’d never felt like that with a woman. I kept thinking I’d only have sex with you from that night forward and that women would be a thing of the past. Then you said something, those three words, not just once but twice and suddenly I felt like that nine-year-old again. You loving me, Lewis, it meant I had to be something out in the open. I was suddenly uncomfortable and scared shitless.

 

“I had no intentions of running away that night but I didn’t know how else to react or what else to do. When I saw you the next afternoon I was so happy but when I saw your face when I sat down beside you, I knew the shit was about to hit the fan. I had to pretend but you called me on it and anger was my only out. I was self-absorbed and didn’t even think about you, not really. I thought there’d be other days, more opportunities and then two days later I found out you were gone.

 

“I tried going back to women but it didn’t work. For the last two and a half years, my life has gone on but you’ve been at the centre of it all. I come here to this waterhole all the time because it makes me feel closer to you. I’d begun to think I’d never see you again. Because of that I couldn’t not come back because of what this place represents. This place speaks silently of what’s lying at the heart of who I am.”

 

Steve looked at Lewis as he finished speaking and he saw the shock in his eyes. Steve lowered his head but as his gaze dropped, his peripheral vision caught sight of the last thing he expected to see. Lewis’s cock was bone hard and a tiny droplet of pre-come was perched at the opening of his slit. Instantly, Steve’s cock lifted and stood tall as well. He was about to reach out and grab Lewis’s cock for the first time in his life but Lewis spoke.

 

“Steve, look at me,” Lewis said softly.

 

Lifting his head as well as his gaze, their eyes locked the moment he found Lewis’s eyes. Steve felt emotional and a little exhausted after finally unlocking and setting free what had been hidden for so many years.

 

“I understand everything you’ve just told me and I now understand why you’ve been the way you’ve been. I can’t say I liked the way you made me feel but I get it and so I forgive you. I do want you to realise you hurt me, though. The thing is, I still have one question. I want to know, Steve, what’s at the crux of you telling me all of this. What is it you really want to say to me?”

 

“I want to try, Lewis.”

 

“No, it’s not as easy as some throw away line, Steve. Talk to me.”

 

Steve looked at Lewis and shook his head as he sighed. He had not thought it was a throw away line but he understood what Lewis was asking. He took a deep breath and spoke.

 

“I’m gay, Lewis. I know I’m gay and I want to be gay but even more so, I want to be gay with you. I’m asking you if you’d be willing to take a chance on me. Maybe I should say a second or a third chance but whatever the case, Lewis, I’m attracted to you and I really like you. I’m not sure if I’m in love with you because I’m not sure what that means. I know deep inside of me I want to love you, to fall in love with you and to be with you. So Lewis, will you? Will you give me another chance?”

 

In the blink of an eye, Steve’s back was unexpectedly hitting the ground. Lewis dived from his seated position, his arms wrapping around Steve’s body, as his body collided with Steve’s, forcing him backwards and down. The moment Lewis landed on top of him, their lips came together and Lewis’s tongue was inside Steve’s mouth.

 

Instantly happy, Steve wrapped his arms around Lewis and crushed their bodies tight together. The grinding of cocks was instantaneous and Lewis’s hands and fingers were sliding and caressing and touching every part of Steve’s tight, smooth skin, anywhere he could reach. For almost ten minutes they kissed desperately, as they synchronously sighed into each other’s mouths.

 

It was Lewis who unexpectedly stopped what was happening when he broke the kiss. He raised his head to look down into Steve’s eyes. While he had been kissing Steve, Lewis remembered the day in the wildflowers. He recalled how seconds after he told Steve he wanted to suck his cock, the unexpected happened and Steve bolted. It brought a question to Lewis’s mind, as he wondered if all of this was true and if Steve would run again.

 

It was one thing to say he was gay but another to act accordingly. Immediately he said, “I want your cock in my mouth and I want you to come in my mouth.”

 

Lewis did not wait for an answer; he simply went down on Steve and enjoyed finally having the cock in his mouth he had wanted for so long. To Lewis’s great relief, Steve’s reaction was of a very satisfied man, moaning and calling out his name. When the blowjob was finished, Lewis crawled back up Steve’s body and Steve kissed him deeply. A moment later, Steve flipped Lewis onto his back and went down on him as well. With that reaction, the doubts in Lewis’s mind lessoned and they kissed and touched for another long time.

 

They went into the waterhole for a swim to cool off but unable to stop touching each other or let go of each other, Steve sat in the shallows with the water at about waist height. Lewis sat in Steve’s lap facing him with his arms and legs wrapped around him, allowing Steve to enter him in the process. There, in the cool water surrounded by a burning sun, a deep blue sky and the dusty red dirt, Steve made slow love to Lewis. It was mutual, it was consensual and it was as passionate as either could have wanted it to be.

 

When it concluded, there was a moment when Lewis feared Steve would walk or run away but instead, once again, though twenty years later, they lay on the bank of the waterhole, wrapped around each other naked, Lewis’s face on Steve’s chest and Steve’s arms holding him tightly.

 

During that intimate silence, both sets of hands caressed or squeezed and hugged tight and at no time did either make any movement to break apart. Not long before their afternoon at the waterhole came to an end, as they continued to hold each other in their silent reverie, Lewis finally broke the silence.

 

“Steve?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I don’t know for how long but I’ve loved you for so long that this almost seems impossible to believe. Tell me it’s real.”

 

“It’s real, Lewis, I promise you,” Steve said.

 

“I do love you, Steve.”

 

“I know you do. I only wish it hadn’t taken me so long to take advantage of what you were offering me. I don’t want to let go of you, Lewis.”

 

“You don’t have to let go of me and I don’t want you to let go of me,” Lewis replied.

 

“Well then, Lewis, after everything that’s happened here today, after everything that I’ve told you and after finally being with you completely and while sober, I now know how I feel about you, too. I do love you and I want what we have to last.”

 

Lewis lifted his face from Steve’s chest, leaned forward and planted another intense kiss on the man he loved. He then lifted his head and as he looked into Steve’s eyes he said, “Well then, you and I have some decisions to make.”

 

Steve smiled at Lewis but he nodded and replied, “Yeah, we do.”

 

***

 

On the seventh day of his two-week vacation in Taipan Creek, which was the day after the two men finally got together and made love at the waterhole, Lewis did not end up going home to Sydney earlier then expected. In fact, after leaving the waterhole, Lewis accompanied Steve to his home, more than willingly to say the least. He was very surprised to discover Steve did not reside in the old place with his parents and had in fact, built his own home where he lived alone in the northeast of Taipan Creek.

 

By the time the sixth day was over and the seventh began, Lewis felt like a completely different man. He awoke that following day in Steve’s home, in his bedroom and in his bed. Not only that but he was with the man he still thought was the most handsome and impressive male specimen on the planet. Also, that man was naked and he was wrapped around Lewis’s naked body. He lay quietly and as still as possible, as he stared at Steve like all the riches of the world had been sent his way.

 

Forty minutes later when Steve opened his eyes and looked back at him, Lewis’s happiness was taken to an unexpected higher level, when Steve parted his lips and said, “I want to wake up every morning like this with you.”

 

Struggling to believe the words directed at him, his disbelief was dissolved as Steve rolled on top of him and kissed him deeply. Steve then lifted his head and as he gazed down into Lewis’s eyes, he said, “I’m in love with you, Lewis.” He then made love to Lewis until only their hunger for sustenance could drag them from the bed.

 

In the days that followed, conversations split eating, sleeping and sex. They talked about their lives, particularly concerning the fact they resided and worked on opposite sides of the state. Steve’s heart belonged to Taipan Creek and though he knew he would leave if he had to, he hoped that Lewis might be willing to come back home. Though Lewis knew how much he loved Sydney, it soon dawned on him that the only reason he had left Taipan Creek in the first place was because of how he felt about Steve. A couple days later, Lewis agreed he was more than happy to come home and start a new life with the man of his dreams.

 

Around mid week Steve went and saw his parents and came out to them. It was not the pleasant experience Lewis had with his parents but over the year that followed, bridges were mended and acceptance finally came. Alternatively Lewis’s parents welcomed Steve. He was accepted as Lewis’s partner and subsequently he was embraced as a true and loved member of the family. Dinner with Lewis’s parents on a weekly basis became a ritual.

 

At the end of his vacation, Steve accompanied Lewis back to Sydney. The smiles and laughter were huge when they both saw the look on Cory’s face, as they walked into his apartment arm-in-arm. Cory could barely believe it but he could not have been happier for his friend. Though he was disappointed that Lewis was going to leave, it was rather serendipitous because while Lewis had been gone, Cory had finally met a guy who gave his heart a purpose.

 

Taking a week before leaving Sydney, Lewis showed Steve around and introduced him to the different life style but it only confirmed Steve already knew where he wanted to be. He had his home and knew he wanted Lewis to go back with him and make it his home as well. Even though he loved Sydney, Lewis knew where he belonged and so he offered no argument. Deep down, Lewis thought as long as he was with Steve, their location was irrelevant.

 

The following week they returned to Taipan Creek. Lewis moved in with Steve and all their difficulties of the past faded into memory. In a way they were made for each other and nothing and nobody was ever going to break what years apart had built to bring them together, without their knowledge.

 

It did take some time and patience, as the community began to learn what was going on. The world had moved forward, the people’s vote had made gay marriage legal in Australia and at least in Taipan Creek, it was time for the community to put their money where their mouths were. The first gay men came out in the outback town but even though there were a few inflexible bigots, eventually they were accepted by the majority and began to fit back in the way they had for years as single men.

 

There was one thing both men realised during the many years that followed being together. In essence, they had always known they were attracted to each other, they had always known a strange intrigue existed between each other and in all the years that followed as lovers, there was no doubt they fell even more deeply in love with each other.

 

The realisation, though, came from the fact that perhaps they could have been together earlier, if only they had listen to the words that mattered. Those words, of course, which can only ever be heard and must be acknowledged, occur in silent whispers, when the heart speaks.

 

The End.