It all began so swiftly. It was the last thing I was expecting to happen. Connecting with another man for sex or possibly love, well, at the time it was unimaginable. I had come to believe that specific part of my life was over. On that day, though the surface of what occurred was disparate from a specific memory it brought back to life, the substance of what occurred was the same, except that my role had been reversed. The occurrence also brought recognitions of my former self, a self that was by that point almost foreign to me.

 

Seated at a table outside of a quaint café, which indulged the vision of an eastern suburbs beach, I sipped on my latté while reading a novel and occasionally glanced up to eye a sun-bleached, water-god, whom had returned from the freedom of the waves to the restriction of the land.

 

Since the beginning of spring and deep into summer, this had become a regular occurrence most days. Alone within my solitude, ironically amidst a crowded influx and outflow of socially incongruous misfits, of which I felt I was now definitely a part; I consistently proved to myself that despite my reasoned choice to be alone, the barbaric decision to be alone within multitudes was a silent voice that screamed of my ineptitude to be honest with myself.

 

Fundamentally I was alone because of an exceptionally difficult breakup, after a serious and committed relationship of four years. My reaction to the loss of someone I really loved, influenced me in a way I never would have expected. For almost my entire life I had been confident, controlled and also a man who knew what he wanted, knew how to get it and was always willing to do whatever it took.

 

The loss of the life I had been living and particularly, the loss of my partner to some trumped up, self-absorbed and egocentric cowboy, affected me to the point that I felt like I had some stranger’s soul in my body. I recognised my reflection in the mirror but I no longer recognise myself. It was a loss in regard to the person I had always naturally been. Suddenly I was stagnant, tentative and filled with self-doubt. I had always been so absolute and filled with certainty but suddenly it seemed those characteristics were gone.

 

I was financially secure and so as I plunged into some heartbroken and psychological abyss, I quit my job and during the following year, I spent most of my time alone at home. As the seasons changed and the warmer weather arrived, I began a routine that unknowingly would bring me face-to-face with myself. It was nothing more than a daily trip to a café but it allowed me to deceive myself into imagining I was not hiding from life or my existence.

 

On the influential day, beneath a hot and clear, Sydney summer sky, a little Bronte beach café was a place to remain in the daylight world; a hermit in the midst of people whilst continuing to embrace my façade that I was okay.

 

On two consecutive nights that week, I ventured to yet another café to feel old feelings and an old familiarity. Oxford Street was an environment, which had long forgotten me. Sydney’s gay nightspot was certainly not what it had once been, in the way I remembered it to be. It seemed it’s allure to party, to indulge in sex, drugs and alcohol and also to make extreme amounts of money, had not gone unnoticed by the straight community or perhaps the underworld of Kings Cross. Straight people were everywhere, entering and leaving what had once been gay bars and nightclubs.

 

Whatever the case, what had once been the thriving hub of gay life from the beginning of the seventies through to the mid nineties, only memories and stories of a golden age were left in existence. There was a skerrick of what once had been and so I sat and watched it tiptoe by, when once it would have danced brightly and proudly.

 

On the Thursday night, I considered it was a weeknight and perhaps that was the reason why it seemed so different. I wondered if I should return on the weekend to see if I was wrong. However, I bumped into a very old friend, a Sacred Cow; sex change for those not in the know and she agreed that things were not as they had once been. Having long ago held a prominent place on the drag stages in Sydney’s gay nightlife, I took her word as fact, as well as validation of my opinion and I went home.

 

Another chiselled and polished specimen of youth and masculinity appeared from the stairway, ascending from the beach to street level. My attention was more than engaged; it was ensnared. Ideally, I was not a man attracted to blondes and somehow it seemed that a large proportion of the men who found themselves at one with the rolling waves, at least the ones who passed by my line of vision, almost always seemed to be blonde.

 

Of course there were those with light or dark brown hair and I had even stared with some surprise when one day I saw a red head with alabaster skin. Again, I had also seen dark haired men but never had I seen the jet black and dense covering of fine hair, which framed the darkly tanned, handsome face and that now stood on the opposite side of the street.

 

Most often it was the bodies of these fit and beautiful, young men, which magnetically drew my eyes to them. Arriving at the top of the stairs, they displayed the second skins of wetsuits, often pulled down to groins while hugging shapely thighs and calves. These models of maleness offered rippling six or eight packs that rolled pointedly from swollen, muscular chests and then there were the strong shoulders that carried those beautiful arms and all of this, coated in variant coloured tans to make me want to touch them just that little bit more.

 

This moment however, somehow seemed designed for me. I inhaled so deeply and then forgot to release the breath. I stared transfixed upon this impeccable creation and I truly could not believe my eyes. The brightly coloured dyes beneath the polished resin of the surfboard were like neon lights, flashing an additional message for me to look in his direction. The colours were superfluous because the truth was that for me at that moment, he already had my undivided attention and this young man was the biggest, the brightest and the most beautiful star in the universe, which I currently existed within. He was more than all of the other bodies and faces put together and now perfection truly existed. To me, of Man, he was resplendent.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, one of the great truths in life. However, in my forty-five years of life, never had my eyes set upon what I viewed as such physical radiance. These were not just adjectives to me; these were messages from my eyes, my heart, my lungs and my cock. He was touching me and he was on the other side of the street.

 

He took a few steps to his left from the top of the stairs, before stopping and leaning his surfboard against the top railing of the fence line. He must have walked out of the surf, picked up his towel and walked directly off the beach. His short sleaved wetsuit had not been unzipped and water was dripping from that shining black hair, which gleamed beneath the sun. He threw the towel over the railing as well and then turned to face the other side of the street.

 

This young man was tall. He was easily six to six foot one and he looked to be suffused with upper body strength. I wondered if I had ever seen such breadth to a set of shoulders. My eyes trailed down and the body he had imprisoned beneath the synthetic rubber of the suit, suggested his muscles were likely to win some imagined battle and escape their confines.

 

He raised his arms and pushed his fingers and hands through his hair. Small streams of salt water broke free into the air around him, glistening as they fell to the ground. I saw his eyes fall on me briefly, as they scanned down through the majority of non-beach going, café social cockroaches, those who loitered at a “place to be”. I was certain that his eyes paused on me but instantly drew on the knowledge that though I was an attractive man, I was easily double his age if not more and further, the chance that this large, sculptured, young man was not straight, I presumed was probably a million to one.

 

His eyes continued over the café patrons and then as if interest was lost, he diverted his attention to his wetsuit. He drew down the zipper. From that moment, if the first strike of a missile of Armageddon had been hurtling toward our position and had I been aware of it, still I would have remained seated and continued to watch and wait for the exhibition, as his shoulders, his chest and his stomach of his acutely triangular body was unveiled.

 

Twisting as his body argued with the tight fitting sheath, he stretched it and those shoulders popped out. I wondered how he had gotten them in there in the first place. He dragged with one hand and pulled with the other and within seconds as he dominated the suit, it rolled like a prophylactic being dragged from an erection, until he left it hanging from his hips and revealing the delicious, worked curves of a young and powerful man’s body.

 

The colour of his tanned skin was dark but it had a caramel hue that made me want to run my tongue all over him. Well at least that was one of the reasons. The man was smooth also and this was another of my long dismissed, idyllic requirements.

 

Of course idealism was never the final call but let’s face it, for everyone at some point in life, irrespective of attitudes, beliefs, political correctness or any other socially implemented perspectives; idealism exists.

 

Stunningly handsome, sculptured and muscular physique, smooth, tanned and vital, young Caucasian flesh, jet-black manicured hair, deep blue eyes, an equitable combination of masculinity and sensitivity and finally in addition to intuitive smarts, also sexual versatility. This description was the man I once imagined behind my rose coloured glasses but it was the man I believed undoubtedly I could never have. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe he existed, it was simply because I didn’t believe he existed for me. It was just a fantasy after all and one that I had now not entertained for at least twenty years.

 

By the age of thirty, I had moved beyond such fantasies and sought instead to pursue more cerebral and compatible partnerships. I was seeking for the long term. However, though I had never met or even seen the man on the other side of the road and therefore knew nothing of his mind, his heart or his sexual inclinations; on a physical level alone, he was that look and that body of my long ago, ultimate, idyllic dream.

 

He turned side on to me and stared back down at the ocean. No doubt, being a surfer, he gazed at the waves he was missing by being on the damned land. I continued to look at him, at his shape, his curves and his power and strength. I wished like a child does on a star that dreams really did come true. I laughed silently to myself as I looked away from him and picked up my coffee, noticing instantly that I was due for another.

 

How, I wondered at this age was it possible, I could again be thinking the thoughts I had thought throughout my virgin years? It was all so utterly and ridiculously preposterous. I looked at the novel that was still open in my hand and realised I had no idea where I was up to or what I had been reading.

 

It had been a very long time since I had been so extremely distracted by a man and though it was unusual, there was a certain enjoyment and to a lesser degree amusement, to the fact it was happening at all.

 

I remembered back to my relationship with Casey and I thought how over our time together, nothing could have distracted me from what he meant to me. I guess things change, though. Certainly he was easily distracted, particularly if he could betray me for a cowboy who wasn’t really a cowboy but still wore the hat and boots and believe it or not, went by the name of Tex.

 

I glanced back across the road and felt slight disappointment that my beautiful, tall and brown water-god was gone. I threw a few wild glances around, my eyes darting from left to right to see if I could locate him. Unfortunately, he was nowhere in sight.

 

Moments later, one of the café staff that had walked out and begun to remove cups and plates from tables, appeared beside me and blocked my vision while snapping me back to reality. I looked up at her and she smiled at me. She glanced down at my empty cup and then removed it from the table.

 

“Can I get you anything else?” She asked, her constant smile lighting up her face.

 

Before I could reply I heard a deep, confident yet gentle voice request from behind her, “We’ll have two latté’s, please!”

 

Both she and I turned abruptly in the direction of the voice and there, standing not four feet away was the lord of my dreams and looking down at me while smiling.

 

“We’re going to have a coffee, aren’t we?” He asked bedazzling me with his smile.

 

“Yes,” I said, not really knowing where my voice heralded from or how my mind had reasoned the answer.

 

The waitress smiled presumptuously that we were friends and walked away to fill our order.

 

“You don’t mind, do you?” He asked, opening his mouth and revealing bright white teeth within his smile.

 

“Um, no,” I replied, yet still feeling completely caught off guard.

 

“May I sit?” He asked.

 

“Yes, of course, please,” I said a little too desperately, jerking out of my stunned slouch and feeling as if I was the most incredibly rude person alive, for not having offered before he had to ask.

 

I stared at him as he smiled again and as he looked down to negotiate the exact distance and location of the chair at the table, my eyes dropped instantly to his crotch. I couldn’t believe what I saw. The synthetic rubber of a wetsuit was made tight and glove fitting, however, at the crotch they were designed to be loose fitting so as not to strangle or be uncomfortable for a man down below. Regardless of this fact, there before my eyes was a bulging imprint of manhood, dressed from left to right. It was not as if he had an erection but still his cock was thick enough to assert its impact on the rubber and let its presence be unmistakably known.

 

He pulled the heavy, wrought iron chair from beneath the small matching table with one hand, lifting it easily from the ground to avoid the scraping sound on concrete. I watched as the ball of his powerful shoulder rolled and flexed while the bicep extended another inch, as it modelled its definition. The left pectoral also contracted, momentarily changing its desirous shape and then as the weight of the chair again made contact with the ground, his spectacular, naked upper torso, returned to its vision splendid.

 

He sat before me, his left arm resting along the curved edge of the round table. His posture; despite his relaxed and comfortable appearance, remained straight and tall. His left leg was beneath the table but outstretched so that it rested between my legs and under my chair. His right leg was balanced at a perfect angle beside me so that his knee and thigh were less than an inch from mine. I felt surrounded and under siege.

 

As I took in this sight, it was at that very moment when the long forgotten memory swept silently into my mind. At the time I had no concept of its association, however, still I was remembering three months before I turned sixteen.

 

I was walking along a beach, a virgin, gay boy, wearing shorts and nothing else. I was darkly tanned, fair-haired with innocent and shining blue eyes. I was so filled with an insatiable hunger for a first encounter with a man; I could barely contain my erection. I was fully aware that gay men always frequented the area of the beach I was walking along. I walked passed them all, chose the one I considered to be the most attractive and then I walked up to him as he lay with his eyes closed. As I looked down on his milk chocolate body, I asked if he would like some company.

 

These were not the years when arrogant twinks walked about expecting to be adored and fucked. These were the years when men found men and boys were generally struggling with their sexual identities and desperateness. To this day I will never forget the look on the face of that man of thirty-four, as he opened his eyes and discovered a boy, filled with confidence and obviously wanting what he wanted. As the sun set hours later, amidst twighlight and natural foliage, I did indeed entice that man to give me exactly what I wanted.

 

Time had turned full circle and though the characters, the location and the ages had changed, the essence of what was taking place seemed to be the same. The true difference was that I was now the older man but in my case, my confidence was gone.

 

Droplets of salt water still covered his brown face and with the removal of the upper portion of his wetsuit, his shoulders and body had also been sprayed with the fine, rainbow-creating, bubble-like drops of moisture. I noticed my heart pounding in my chest and a feeling like I was going to drown. In all reasonableness, I honestly could not believe that any man, no matter how beautiful he was, could be capable of putting me so off balance and making me feel like an innocent who simply had no idea. I was a mature and intelligent man for fucks sake, however, still I was grateful for the greatest invention of all time - the chair - suspecting as I did, I was barely capable of standing due to my overwhelming, apprehensive nervousness in that moment.

 

It was then, as I looked up into his eyes that I saw the dark yet bright, metallic blue. I could instantly see that the wet, jet-black hair was connected to those eyes and forcing the blue to impose its vibrancy. Was there nothing of this man that wasn’t delectable? I watched as the rivulets of water trickled from his hair, coursing down his neck over tendons and then slowed at the curve to the shoulder, before sprinting over his huge chest and ordering my eyes to follow to where I could not see.

 

I looked up with a jerk of my head and an embarrassed expression. I realised I was with an unbridled lack of control, visually perusing his flesh with lust. What I saw, though, was a simple smile, sincere eyes and an unassuming face so breathtaking it could have stopped traffic.

 

“It’s good of you and very trusting to allow me to sit with you,” he began.

 

“Well, I suspect under these circumstances you’re not carrying any concealed weapons, your motives are not hostile and that even if they were, in such a public place, it would be foolish of you to attempt anything,” I replied humorously with a large smile.

 

“Actually I do have a concealed weapon,” he said.

 

I looked at him a little shocked and considered he must be carrying a knife but then I saw the small yet mischievous grin on his face. I suddenly realised what he was inferring. I blushed with embarrassment from my temporary ignorance and then I blushed more because I had blushed in the first place. I was so out of sorts with life, with social interaction and with myself and now I felt even more unbalanced. I heard a little laugh come from him.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I thought you would see the humour and have a chuckle as well but obviously time will be an influence here,” he said.

 

“Time? Influence? On what?” I asked completely mystified.

 

“It’s of no consequence at the moment. My name is Cale,” he said and stretched out his hand.

 

Of course a statement the likes of “it’s of no consequence” made me think that under these circumstances it probably was and therefore, it naturally increased my curiosity factor. However, I was so stunned by the man, by the fact he had approached me and was now sitting with me and also, because of the fact I was literally swooning over his breathtaking physical presence, as well as the confident and sexual aura emanating from him; I dismissed my curiosity, letting it pass.

 

“Jeff,” I replied and slid my palm into his.

 

His hand was as large as mine but I could feel its youth, its smoothness and its strength. I felt his fingers surrounding my hand and then I felt something almost ethereal, like his touch was pulling me into an alternate reality. It may sound ridiculous and probably was psychological but it was how his touch made me feel.

 

“Tell me, Jeff, are you a fan of honesty and directness?” He asked.

 

I was surprised by the question and my immediate thoughts were presumptuous yet filled with hope. My first thought was that he was going to tell me he was gay and that he was interested in me. I shouldn’t have doubted it because straight men don’t approach unknown men and ask to join them for coffee. However, because I wasn’t myself and my current state of mind was insecure, I felt a subtle guilt for thinking he could be interested in me at all.

 

Regardless, I thought it was a surprising question to come out of a man’s mouth when he had only just introduced himself. Irrespective, the truth was I detested liars, lies and bullshit more than anything in the world. I viewed honesty as a true test of character because when someone can be honest no matter what, to me it showed courage and dignity and integrity. It was in my opinion, one of the greatest traits a person could embrace.

 

“I am indeed a fan. Very much so,” I replied.

 

“Even if the truth in the moment is either uncomfortable or confronting for the recipient?” He asked.

 

“As long as the person wielding the sword of truth is wise enough to know when it is the truth or when it is just his or her own truth,” I said.

 

“Nice, both a good and a wise answer. I like that,” he replied.

 

“Well, if you can’t live the way you expect others to, than you don’t really have the right to preach the belief in the first place,” I said.

 

“Obviously you’re an introspective man,” he suggested but he also looked at me like I was not what he had been expecting.

 

“So why do you ask?” I queried with both curiosity and a little impatience.

 

“Would you mind if we skipped the niceties and formality?” He asked directly again but then he lifted his hand and gently caressed his finger over and around a desirable nipple.

 

I watched Cale’s finger and wished it was my tongue but then I consciously dragged myself back to the conversation and said, “It doesn’t appear a problem for you and I imagine I could possibly keep up.”

 

“Oh I just know that you could,” Cale said with a grin.

 

“I suspect that you don’t always say exactly what you mean or at least that there will often be two meanings behind what you say,” I suggested.

 

“What are the odds?” He replied and I laughed at his cleverness and quick wit.

 

“Fire away,” I said but before he had even opened his mouth to take a breath, the waitress was standing beside us and placing our coffees on the table. She asked if there was anything else that we required. I nodded no and then looked at Cale and he smiled at her and said, “No, thank you.” She moved away, leaving us alone once again and then Cale, apparently still completely attuned to our conversation, spoke at once.

 

“I’ve been watching you,” Cale began extraordinarily.

 

“Excuse me?” I asked, immediately discomforted because I knew he was not talking about the moments after he had ascended the stairs.

 

“You seem surprised that someone could have an interest in you,” he said.

 

“A subtle sidestep but that wasn’t what you were saying,” I replied.

 

“Oh?” He questioned, saying nothing but returning the next response to me. At the same time he lifted his hand again and stroked his fingers over the ball of his left shoulder, before running them down the tanned and muscled nakedness of his upper arm.

 

I watched the journey of his fingers over his smooth skin and once again I had to drag my mind back and retrieve my reply to his amusingly manipulative response.

 

“You just revealed that you have been watching me and although that statement seems simple enough, the intonation in your voice suggested that you were not simply referring to today,” I specified.

 

He smiled in a way that implied satisfaction from my perception but then I could see thoughtfulness, as he paused before continuing.

 

“You were here four days ago,” he said.

 

“Yes, I was.”

 

“You have been here every day since,” he continued.

 

“Yes, I have,” I said, now a little rattled, not by the fact that he was aware of what had become a daily routine but rather, his possible attitude to a man that repeated a single, non-productive action day after day.

 

Of course he could not have known, however, my current state of mind was empowering my insecurities and the thought that the man who was the perfect reflection of my long ago fantasy, could know that I was no longer the man I had once been, was decidedly unsettling.

 

“You are distinctive of the Aves with which you share this perch,” he said.

 

“Oh?” I asked, stealing his neutral response while surprised by not only the metaphor but also the zoological terminology.

 

I could have accepted the remark as complimentary, making me unique amongst the faces around us, which I believed was what he was implying, however, Cale was making me feel like I was required to pass a test and therefore my acceptance of the compliment could appear as arrogant and so I chose a neutral stance.

 

“Original comeback,” he said bemused.

 

“It was fraudulently stolen,” I replied.

 

He laughed loudly with obvious amusement but then his gaze dropped and the thoughtful look in his beautiful eyes appeared again, as he considered what he would say next.

 

“In your comfort within these surroundings, you appear at one with everything and yet at the same time, out of place,” he said with a serious expression, as his deep blue eyes drilled searchingly into mine.

 

I had thought and felt the same thing about myself a few times when I had come to the café but rather than agree with him I said, “It’s a pleasurable spot.”

 

“Unquestionably, although, one can’t say the same in the same context where the café on Oxford Street is concerned,” he said, making me feel like I was suddenly standing before a Nazi firing squad.

 

My eyes widened in stunned amazement. I knew he was letting me know again that he had been watching me. He knew of my whereabouts and that I had been sitting in a coffee shop on Oxford Street. I was now feeling a little threatened. I wondered if he had also been following me and if so, why? Still, I felt a determination to remain in control and not to give anything away.

 

“I agree that the two locations are worlds apart but my tastes and choices are not limited and we all do what we all choose to do,” I said.

 

“That’s true but sometimes we choose to do what we don’t need to, rather than doing what we want to or should do,” he countered.

 

“Undoubtedly but that is human nature,” I replied.

 

Cale looked at me studiously and then said, “Control is another fascinating trait of human nature, wouldn’t you agree?”

 

I knew that it wasn’t really a question. He was making a pointed remark and I felt like an onion that Cale was slowly peeling, one layer at a time.

 

“Who are you?” I asked, whilst strangely feeling both perfectly comfortable and yet completely uncomfortable. Talk about irony.

 

“My name is Cale, I am a stranger to you and I really wanted to sit with you and talk,” he said without pause or the blink of an eye.

 

“Interesting response. You are a stranger to me, rather than we are strangers?” I queried.

 

“You’re a formidable man,” he said directly.

 

I looked at Cale with subtle frustration. Initially I had looked at him with carnal desire. Following his unexpected approach, I had then looked at him with surprise, wondering why he would approach a much older man. Of course I had entertained hopeful thoughts but still my current insecurity kept me doubtful. Curiosity about him became prevalent and then came the unexpected and somewhat comical conversation, however, now the conversation was unsettling and enigmatic. I wanted him to get to the point, even if it was not going to be about what I was wishing for, whilst also hesitant about.

 

“I believe you inferred that you desired to speak with honesty and directness. Will there come a time when we reach such a dialogue?” I asked as I looked directly into his eyes and hoped some explanation would soon be forthcoming.

 

Cale smiled again. How that smile affected me. It was as if the simple act of curving his lips and revealing his perfect white teeth could somehow literally brighten my day. I suspected his handsomeness was also part of the equation while not to mention his magnificent and powerful body. Still, even when I wasn’t considering his spectacular frame and I was engrossed in his clever if cryptic conversation skills, a simple smile from him could lift me higher than I had been in a very long time. Additionally, though I didn’t realise this at the time, Cale’s smile and handsomeness, along with his sumptuous body were also distracting. He could easily divert my mind from the subject or the conversation, by using any one of those things in a particular way at a particular time. His weaponry, so to speak, was impressive.

 

“Four days ago I saw you seated on that very chair, drinking a latté and reading a book. The next day I saw you again, same routine and not that there was anything wrong with that but still, you had caught my attention. It was however, that same Wednesday evening when I was walking down Oxford Street on the way to the Dendy Cinema’s to see a film, I glanced into a coffee shop and there you were once more, alone at a table, drinking a latté and reading. These are perfectly natural undertakings, though I couldn’t quite get passed the instinctive or perhaps intuitive perception that you were in but not of your reality.”

 

I remained silent but I knew my eyebrows lifted and my eyes widened.

 

“On Thursday, as I left the beach once again, I was not surprised to see you sitting exactly where you are now. On that very night, based completely on curiosity alone, I chose to meander passed the café on Oxford Street again, just to confirm my suspicions and once again, there you were. So I came here today with an almost one hundred percent belief that you would be here and to my delight, here you were.”

 

“Delight? Interesting adjective but I find it difficult to believe that the sight of a stranger such as myself, could be delightful.”

 

“Oh I know that you do and that is one of the intrigues.”

 

“One?” I questioned with surprise.

 

“One of many,” he responded.

 

“I think you may have me confused with someone else. These days I’m not that interesting, if I ever really was at all and subsequently, the word intrigue seems overdone,” I said.

 

“Interest is in the minds of the interested,” he retorted.

 

“Perhaps they need knew interests?” I said, grinning broadly.

 

“Perhaps you do too,” he said, seemingly thrusting reality in my face and throwing me into the depths of my insecurities.

 

“Who in hell are you and exactly what is it that you want?” I asked while feeling like he knew everything there was to know about me.

 

I was also fully aware that it seemed my attempt to force some explanation from his mouth had failed. Once again he had set the conversation adrift within some boundless and landless ocean. I was frustrated and I was nervous on so many levels but then to my astonishment, he warmed me and froze me simultaneously with the following question.

 

“Have you ever had one of those times, one of those moments, when you are in some perfect location? Hypothetically, let’s say Tahiti. It’s the perfect time of day, let’s say sunset. The environment, the vista, the energy and the overall aura of the situation, makes it feel like a perfect moment in time. You feel vital and alive, passionate and emotional and above all, you’re not alone. There beside you is the perfect man. The sweeping colours of the sunset are consuming his body, making him look even more sensually inviting then he had an hour previous. His personality grips you, his mind envelops you and you want like never before to be blanketed within his embrace. Nothing other than him matters and it is one of those moments that takes your breath away?”

 

Suddenly I had forgotten to breathe again and I inhaled deeply. His words were painting yet another of my desires with phenomenal accuracy. I had fantasised such a moment throughout numerous times when I was much younger and while alone in my life. I was on a beach and it didn’t matter where. It was sunset after a magnificent day. The sky was streaked from amethyst to magenta as half a blood red disc was sliding beneath the horizon. I had thought about this scene since I was a teenager but now within my imagination, instead of some relatively faceless hunk in some imagined fantasy, it was Cale I had subconsciously placed beside me on that beach and it almost felt real to me.

 

I was drowning within his metallic eyes. The intensity that was emitted from them was tangible and I thought I could feel his gaze physically touching my skin. I looked again at his naked flesh and I wanted his smooth, tanned body against me. I wanted his tongue in my mouth, I wanted his deep toned voice to continue to hypnotise me and I wanted to gaze at his astonishingly handsome face until the end of time.

 

Believing none of these things would ever happen, I suddenly felt so alone. I thought the feeling was what it must be like to be lost in a barren wilderness. I envisage myself hanging from a cliff and almost certain to fall and then suddenly Cale was looking over the edge and taking my hand.

 

All of these thoughts and images took place swiftly but they were enough to send flashes of awareness to my mind. They were psychological and spoke volumes about how I felt about myself at this time of my life. It encapsulated how lost I felt and despite my once dominant nature and also my strength of character, it made me realise at that exact moment that I felt a deep, inner need to be saved.

 

This was not a comfortable realisation that the once confident man needed to be saved. I blinked, snapping my consciousness back to what he had asked and then I looked with a clearing focus across the table at him.

 

“No, I have never been fortunate enough to have one of those times happen to me, however, I have throughout my life, often imagined it,” I said quietly and then I turned and looked away from him.

 

“I want to have that time and that moment, with you,” he said softly.

 

I had looked toward the far headland of the beach and was watching as the seagulls swarmed in flight, aggressively and territorially. Though he was sitting right in front of me, it was as if his voice floated from a distance before it reached me. I turned to him as it slowly registered what he had said. As our variant blue eyes met, mine were met by seriousness and truth. My stomach somersaulted, my heart stopped and then went into overdrive and then my mind began to float before I suddenly thought I had unexpectedly fallen down Alice’s rabbit hole.

 

I opened my mouth to speak, to say something but I realised too late that I had not thought of anything to say and I was therefore left with nothing to say and my mouth agape. I just stared at him. I wasn’t even looking at how beautiful he was because I was just staring at him with stunned disbelief.

 

“From my heart, I wish that this wasn’t so hard for you,” Cale said.

 

I heard the words, I understood the meaning but the conscious recognition and the ability to reason them was hidden within the mist created by what he had previously said to me.

 

“Cale, you don’t even know me. How can you assume that I am the person with whom you would want to share such a moment?” I asked.

 

“Ah and there lies the difference between us. For me, Jeff, this is not an assumption. It is a fact of knowing myself and my desires while having the confidence to place myself in the position to say what I need to say, in the hope it will give me what I want,” Cale said comfortably and with such implacable certainty.

 

Cale had now not only told me he was attracted to me and that he wanted to have a moment with me but also, he had indirectly suggested that unlike him, I lacked in confidence. I felt wonderful that he wanted to be with me but I also felt inadequate because he was right.

 

Despite the person I had once been and also despite the changed person I had been for the past year, at that exact moment, the one thing that I had always had to rely on with certainty - my reasoning mind - suddenly was not only floating but it was spinning uncontrollably. To retain the metaphor; I was in a tornado, being lifted out of Kansas.

 

It is well established already that I had once been a man of confidence and control. What is not clear is that when it came to sex, I was a top only, I was the one who initiated and I was the one who picked up. I was even the one who drove the car. I had never been a passenger in any form in my life.

 

The loss of such certainty after my breakup, the feelings of inadequacy that followed and also an incomprehensible fear that I would fail in any sexual and/or emotional connection with another man; well, in the simplest of terms had left me lost and floundering.

 

As a consequence of these facts and irrespective that Cale was a dream come true, I was afraid, not of him but of myself with him. In addition, Cale was expressing in a dominant fashion. He was initiating and he was quite obviously behaving intellectually, verbally and physically like a top and blatantly directing all of this at me. It seemed the reality of my fantasy man was not what I had imagined it to be and further, any attempt to actuate the fantasy, with both parties desiring the top position in every sense, seemed an impossible mountain to climb. I was no longer the man I had been but I was stuck in the habit of the man I had been.

 

As time ticked by, even though I was still literally blown away by Cale’s disclosure of desire, slowly my mind began to reseat itself after it halted its stunned disbelief. He had been kind enough to sit quietly staring at the natural surrounds on the other side of the road, as I took the moments required and gathered my thoughts. I was looking at him but now it was not in a sexual way. I suppose it was an analysis of myself through him.

 

I wondered if these days I was so transparent that a man of his obvious perceptiveness could see right through me. I felt so out of place and so uncertain and the distraction of the warring factions within my mind, were obstructing my logic and reasoning, to maintain a controlled flow of the conversation. My struggle within was nocuous but throughout these moments of self-doubt, I couldn’t help but want to believe that this was one of those serendipitous moments in life and therefore, Cale was here and that he had entered my life with the express purpose of changing it.

 

Suddenly his words echoed through my mind, forcing me to hear them once again. “From my heart, I wish that this wasn’t so hard for you!” I remembered those words and I remembered his tone of voice. It was said with such sincerity but it plagued me that he was even aware of the degree of difficulty I was experiencing. I wondered how he could be aware of the silent though current nuances of my soul. I did not want to confirm anything to this man but my need to understand was greater and so I returned us to that moment.

 

“Cale, you suggested I was in some difficulty in regard to our encounter. What is it that you think you are seeing within me?” I asked.

 

“A lack of courage found in confidence and therefore the ability to embrace the man you would like to be,” he said without even pausing to consider my question.

 

“How could you divine such a presumptuous analysis from a man you have met barely fifteen minutes ago?”

 

“Jeff, my words and statements are always thoughtful and based to some degree in fact. In answer to your question, though, let me simply reply with this. If I’m wrong in my conclusion then tell me now and I’ll apologise and leave you alone.”

 

Cale had now cornered me. He knew the truth of my belief and practise of honesty as a principle and so therefore he was expecting an honest answer. It appeared he had also accurately perceived my loss of self from the person I had always considered myself to be. Now he was asking me to refute him if I could and I knew that my only way to maintain my hidden insecurities was in denial. How I wanted to lie to him and to have him see me as I had once seen myself.

 

I wanted to be everything I had once been, I wanted to take him and to make him mine but I felt like I was looking at my former self in a mirror. He was far too perceptive to fall for a weak façade. Of course I could have told him it was none of his business, which was true but he had suggested he would walk away and despite everything, I wanted Cale to stay.

 

“You’re correct,” I said, as I attempted to dismiss my embarrassment of what I considered a weakness while looking him stolidly in the eye.

 

“I can only imagine it must be difficult but I also wish I wasn’t making you feel that way. If you’d let me, I’d like to make it easy for you but the question is whether you can trust me and let me take the reins,” he replied with a thoughtful and caring tone of voice.

 

“Cale, please explain to me how it is that you know this about me?”

 

“Don’t misunderstand, Jeff. I’m not aware of personal details about you, it’s simply a matter of reading the signs you’re displaying with your eyes, from your conversation and to a certain degree, this routine you are now obviously quite comfortable with,” he explained.

 

“One might consider that assumption, despite your accuracy, Cale.”

 

“I see your point Jeff but it was a case of reading between the lines and discovering what was to me an inescapable conclusion.”

 

“Intelligence, perception and intuition! Cale, you referred to me earlier as a formidable man. I would have to say that it is you who is the formidable man.”

 

“I appreciate the compliment, Jeff, although somehow I suspect that if you were the man you’d like to be, I wouldn’t stand a chance.”

 

I laughed and said, “I believe you could stand in attack or defence against anyone and that you could do so with relative ease.”

 

With a smile Cale turned and once again looked toward the ocean. He was so relaxed in every way. He was so comfortable within his skin. He was confident in mind and body and also within his ability to speak with both flair and intelligence. I found this not only satisfying but also attractive. In so many ways he was more than my aforementioned idyllic dream. At the same time, Cale was a reflection of my former self. I had once been that comfortable in my skin but now it seemed to be just a memory, almost an illusion.

 

I could feel what seemed to be every ounce of doubt I carried, fill my body. I dropped my head and looked down at the ground. Once again I felt completely inadequate and I now believed that Casey’s choice to leave me for another man, had somehow broken me.

 

“I guess not,” Cale suddenly said and I knew he was referring to me letting him take the reins. He picked up his coffee, turned in his seat to face the ocean and he seemed so disappointed.

 

I felt certain that soon he would stand and leave.

 

“Why me? I mean, the man you’re seeing, why would you choose to approach a man that is so obviously broken?” I asked.

 

“What? That’s an odd word to use. Jeff, you’re not broken, you just lack the confidence of assertive men. I think that because you are the way you are and because you seem to wish you were the more dominant type, you somehow feel inadequate. From what I’m seeing and hearing right at this moment, it appears you’ve put up a wall, which you feel protects you but all it does is inhibit your having what you want. In a way, I find it attractive and it makes me want to take control of you and to lead you where I know you want to go.

 

The truth is, Jeff, I’m very attracted to you. During this week, as I began to see what I said to you before, that you were in but not of your reality, well, at first I found it intriguing. It was my intrigue that made me want to see you again. You see, your physical appearance is very masculine and I like that. Your very handsome, you give off an aura of a man who is very strong within, which I also like. You’re a large man who has looked after his body and even in the midst of these casual surroundings and with your casual appearance; still you seem polished. All of those things have always been attractive to me but I’ve never seen them in the mature package I’m seeing with you. I’ve always been attracted to older men but I’ve always gone after younger men. From my perspective, an outsider’s perspective, everything about you drew me to you.

 

Being the opposite, I’m attracted to your submissiveness. It’s not that I don’t search for an equal; it’s just that sexually I’ve never been passive or versatile. Finding a submissive man whose appearance is not submissive at all while at the same time is not effeminate; well, you’re like a diamond in a barrel of stones. I want to pluck you out and make you mine,” he said.

 

I suddenly realised everything I had thought was wrong. Cale had no idea who I was. He had seen me as I was now, transformed in my world, alone, quiet and I thought, untouchable. He had perceived me through that world and also through my hesitation and apprehensiveness, as one of the many men that wanted to be picked up, led into another man’s world and in some form, dominated. I understood immediately how he could have made such a mistake. He actually had approached me from an incorrect assumption.

 

In a similar vein, I had made extreme assumptions also. Due to the fact that I was trapped in my negative attitudes about myself, everything he said seemed appropriate to what I was thinking and feeling. I had associated all of his words with my self-imprisonment.

 

Instantly I felt like I had to make a choice. I didn’t have to make one but something inside of me wanted me to make one. Should I explain and correct him and let us part company or should I do what I had never done before and attempt to do things differently.

 

I knew in that moment I would never have thought this with any other man. I was contemplating crossing a line I didn’t cross. It was only because it was Cale, because I was completely taken with him and because beneath all my insecurity, I was actually feeling very strong feelings for him. I looked over at his profile and I knew I wanted to know him, as well as still wanting him.

 

I wondered if like the sixteen-year-old boy I had once been, could I be confident enough to give myself to another man and be submissive? Almost thirty years ago I had done it and so why couldn’t I do it again. My fantasy from those days was sitting in front of me, he was incredible and though I didn’t know exactly what he wanted, I assumed he wanted to fuck me. Just the thought of being naked in bed with him made me hard.

 

It suddenly occurred to me that all of the negative feelings and thoughts I had been living with, which had made me feel almost afraid, were probably in some strange way, perfectly conducive to my taking on this highly specific and personal role. For so long I had been feeling as if I would fail. I wondered if embracing so different a tact, by allowing a young and fearless man to take me, could pull me back out of this lonely place and return me to some semblance of self. A combined assertive yet submissive approach had started my sexual life and so, why couldn’t it change it as well?

 

In that moment, I let go of the fixed attitude that I had held onto for the last twenty-nine years. Following that day when the sixteen-year-old boy had allowed the thirty-four year old man to take his virginity on a beach; the boy had decided that he was going to be a top because he had somehow believed it would make him more of a man. I had carried that forgotten and incorrect attitude for decades and it had influenced the man I had become in every way.

 

“Cale,” I said softly.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What exactly did you have in mind?”

 

Cale’s eyes widened and brightened at the same time and then he said, “You’re interested?”

 

“How could I not be interested? You’re beautiful, amongst a list of other wonderful traits,” I replied.

 

“Compliment overwhelmingly accepted,” he said.

 

“You need to know something, though. I’ve never actually been the man you think I am. Regardless, I’m prepared to hand over the reins, as you so politely put it.

 

“How are you not that man?” He asked.

 

“I’ve never been submissive or even versatile sexually,” I said.

 

“What?” He asked with a look of surprise.

 

“It’s okay, as long as you take it easy with me, at least at first.”

 

“Well that’s not a problem but I don’t really understand. I mean, are you telling me you’ve always been a top?”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I’m telling you.”

 

“But… So… I mean, why… He trailed off, not knowing how to continue.

 

“Look, maybe if you really want to know and if this doesn’t end up being just a one time hook-up, then I’ll explain it all to you. I know you don’t understand why I appeared to be the man you thought I was. All I’ll say, at least at the moment, is that my life has been a struggle in recent times and I guess my reaction to what I was going through, made me seem to be that way.

 

Cale, not only am I really attracted to you but in retrospect of our meeting and our conversation, I really like you. I’d love to get to know you much better but no matter what course this could take; for you, I’m willing to give you what you want and do what I don’t usually do. Are you still interested?”

 

“Are you sure? I mean what you’re offering, at least in my opinion, is a gift that men like us don’t give up easily, if at all?”

 

I laughed, knowing how right he was and yet knowing that in that moment, I really wanted to give myself to him. I smiled warmly and said, “Yeah, I’m sure.”

 

“Well then, I’m definitely interested,” he said.

 

“Before we continue, though, could you clarify a couple of curiosities about our conversation for me?”

 

“I can try,” he replied.

 

“Great. So why did you ask me if I was a fan of truth and honesty even if it was uncomfortable?”

 

“At first, even though I believed you were gay, I thought you might still be in the closet but then the way you looked at me and spoke to me, I soon doubted that was the case. Then I was under the impression that because you seemed so withdrawn, you weren’t comfortable and confident. Because you’re a mature man, it seemed likely that your lack of assertiveness suggested submissiveness, not just sexually but all round. As a consequence I was going to get straight to the point and suggest we go somewhere private, which I thought might make you uncomfortable but then something about the way you thought and spoke, made me change my approach,” he replied.

 

“I see. So why did you say in regard to my sitting in the café on Oxford Street, sometimes we do what we don’t need to, rather than doing what we want to or should do?”

 

“Well that was a matter of thinking what you really wanted was to be out and experiencing life and socially interacting within the gay scene, instead of sitting alone and reading. I felt like you were hiding within the place you wanted to be,” he explained.

 

“I see. That makes sense to me now. I suppose, then, your remark about control being an interesting facet was suggestive that I was trying to control the conversation while not giving anything away?” I asked.

 

“Yes. That was exactly what I meant.”

 

“Well you weren’t wrong, at least on that last point. It’s amusing to me now but at the time there was something rather intimidating about it all because what you were saying, related perfectly to what I was thinking. It’s amazing how easily people get the wrong impression or the wrong idea,” I said.

 

“It certainly is, which is what I appear to have done,” he replied.

 

“It’s okay, however, now that’s all cleared up, once again, what exactly have you got in mind?”

 

“Wow, none of this is happening the way I thought it would, not that I’m complaining. It’s just that now that I’ve got the answer I wanted and also, now that I know more about you and what I’m getting, it sort of changes things,” he said.

 

“How?” I asked.

 

“Well, in the time we’ve been sitting here and talking, irrespective of the man I thought you were, I kept thinking how comfortable and easy I felt with you and I wondered if maybe there could be more than just a fuck or two between us.”

 

I laughed and said, “I thought the same, although I didn’t really believe there would be a chance.”

 

“Why not?” He asked.

 

“Well, I suppose I looked at you and because my opinion of you was so high, I thought that you could probably hook-up or find someone so easily and therefore, I thought that someone like me wouldn’t stand a chance,” I replied.

 

“Don’t you think that maybe I’d like to meet someone for something more stable and maybe long term?”

 

“Well, of course I knew there was a chance but so many really hot and impressive men like you, particularly as young as you, more often want to just pickup and fuck as much as possible.”

 

“I’ve had my moments and thanks for the compliment but in truth, approaching an older man instead of a younger one; well, it was about finding someone that maybe had moved beyond all that superficial stuff and might be looking for something more… I don’t know, maybe a relationship that’s more mature, maybe more secure. Oh and by the way, I’m twenty-six and not that young,” he said.

 

“So you really are a dream come true?”

 

Cale laughed and shook his head and then said, “Maybe but maybe not, if what you’re offering doesn’t work out between us. I mean, maybe you won’t enjoy it and you won’t want to do it again?”

 

“With you, somehow I doubt that. So, for the third time, what exactly do you have in mind?”

 

“How about dinner later and then I take you home to my place,” he suggested.

 

I nodded yes while saying yes and in that moment I felt a sense of control returning to me. I could feel a type of empowerment returning by simply making a choice and putting myself into this position with Cale.

 

Cale moved his right leg and let his thigh press against my thigh. He looked at me and though I could see anticipation, there was something more in his eyes. It filled me with hope that maybe this would be more than just a fuck. I felt my heart swell with emotion.

 

“So what are we going to do until then?” I asked.

 

“How about we take the scenic walk around the cliffs of the beaches. That way we can talk some more, get to know each other a little better and maybe you can explain how a sexy, older man like you, hasn’t already been snapped up by some hot guy?”

 

“Hey, you don’t need to blow smoke up my arse, you’ve already got me, remember?”

 

“I was being serious. Damn, who made you like this?” Cale asked.

 

I looked at him and realised he really was serious. His question brought Casey’s name to mind but I pushed it away. I pulled out my wallet, stood up and said, “Let me pay the bill and then let’s get out of here.”

 

When I returned he had moved into my seat so he could watch me return. I stared at him as he grinned like the cat eyeing the canary.

 

“What?” I asked while loving that this hot, young man was devouring me with his eyes.

 

“Nothing, I’ve just got a feeling about you, about us, actually. I want to get to know you and get into that head of yours.”

 

“Hey, I’ve agreed to giving you my body but don’t get too ahead of yourself,” I replied, even though I wanted to let him in and knew I wanted to explain everything.

 

“You’ll tell me what I want to know. I just know you will,” he said.

 

“Shit,” I said, feeling overwhelmed by him.

 

“What?” He asked.

 

“I just know you’re going to be trouble,” I replied.

 

“Jeff, something tells me, any trouble between us will be good trouble.”

 

Cale reached out, grabbed my hand and pulled himself out of the chair. He began to walk, pulling me until I was beside him. We walked out of view of the café and down the footpath until he stopped beside a car. I saw his surfboard on the roof racks and then he opened the rear door and pulled out his towel. I had wondered where his things had gone when he first sat down with me. He handed me his towel, told me to hold it up and as he started to push his wetsuit down, he turned to me and said, “No peeking, unless you plan on touching later.”

 

I looked at him and rolled my eyes and as he stood naked between the car door and the towel and reached for his shorts, I looked down at the prize and I smiled with great expectation.

 

“Dirty old man,” he said as he looked and saw me checking out his cock.

 

“I hope you know how to wield that thing safely,” I said.

 

“I do,” he replied and turned around.

 

As I looked at the hottest arse I thought I had ever seen, I said, “Hmm, what fun I could have with that if I hadn’t accepted this position you’ve put me in.”

 

Cale turned around as he pulled his shorts up to his hips and pulled up the zipper. Just for a moment his smile fell away and he stared at me thoughtfully. I wondered if I had said the wrong thing but then he said, “I’ve got a good feeling about you. Maybe if things are good between us and maybe if things work out, I could work on being as adaptable as you seem to be and we could have an equal relationship.”

 

“You really believe you could do that?”

 

“I don’t know at the moment but why not? You’re going to and if you can do it for me, than I should be able to do it for you,” he replied.

 

“Well, I really like that idea but first, let’s see how we go with the rest of today and tonight.”

 

Cale took the towel from my hands, threw it into the car and locked and closed the door. He turned to me and after he looked around to see if anyone was watching, he grabbed my arm and pulled me in for a wet and passionate, ten-second kiss. I felt the sixteen-year-old boy inside of me come back to life.

 

“Jesus, I was right. You’re going to be trouble for me,” I said.

 

“Yeah? Well, you’re going to be trouble for me as well but as I said, any trouble between us is going to be good trouble. You ready for a walk?”

 

“Lead the way, Daddy,” I said and as we both laughed, we turned and headed across the road toward the beach.

 

As we reached the stairway that led down to the beach, which we needed to cross before heading to the place where the scenic path began, I looked up and saw the beginning of an incredible sunset. I didn’t realise but Cale had noticed it as well. As I turned and looked at him, he was already looking at me and smiling.

 

“Thank you,” he said softly.

 

“For what?” I asked.

 

“I told you I wanted that moment with you and though we won’t be lying on the beach near naked and we won’t have spent the entire day together, still I know that this time with you as we walk, is going to be the moment I wanted with you.”

 

“Jesus; Cale, how is it you can see me with such certainty and such belief?”

 

“I don’t know and I don’t care. I’ve never felt this before with anyone but I trust it and I trust you and I know it’s right.”

 

“Damn, I thought I was lost before I met you but now I know what lost is. I’m lost to you and I don’t want to ever be found,” I replied.

 

“Well let’s walk and we’ll see if we can’t get even more lost, as we discover where this path is going to lead.”

 

“Cale?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’m all yours,” I said and as we took the first steps that led us away from the street, both of us knew what we now know ten years later; somehow, we were meant to be.