Unconsciously, his closed eyes opened slowly. Deep darkness surrounded him, initially revealing nothing. Disorientation along with uncertainty contaminated his awareness. A moment later and thunder was all around him, however, it was a muffled sound as if it were coming from inside instead of outside of his ears. His ears were ringing. Flashes like lightening illuminated the darkness suddenly, torching the black sky with silver then blue before fading back to black.

 

He wondered, “Is it raining?”

 

It felt like it was raining because something was falling from the sky but it did not really feel like raindrops. Uncertain, he lifted his hand and wiped at what was falling onto his face but when he looked, the darkness made his hand invisible. Another crack of thunder and another explosion of light and as his hand took shape before his eyes, he saw the substance on his fingers was moist and greasy, maybe a rusty, reddish-brown. He wondered if it was dirt but he wondered why dirt would be falling from the sky?

 

Numbness! His back, from just beneath his shoulder blades, all the way down into his arse; maybe into his upper thighs as well, there was the sensation of pins and needles accompanying the numb feeling, like when a person’s foot falls asleep. Had he been asleep and if so, why could he not remember?

 

More lightening flashed amidst the frightening thunder and he thought it curious that thunder should unnerve him so deeply. The flash allowed him to see the camouflage of his full mission gear and one of his heavy, black boots. He knew who he was and he knew he was a soldier but he was at a loss as to where he was or how he came to feel so lost and confused. His body felt so wet but he could not be certain if it was the strange rain or if it was perspiration. Whatever it was, he could feel the hot and cold sensations beneath the weight of his heavy clothing. He felt soaked through.

 

Still disoriented, his next thought was to move and to walk but that was the moment he realised he was on his back. He was lying on the ground and then he became aware of the weight across his left leg and something pressing all the way up the left side of his body. It was pinning him down. He tried to move but was unable. It was partly because of the weight against him but equally it was because of the tightness in his back. He bent his neck, lifting his head and in unison with another thunderous crack and another flash, the ringing in his ears stopped, he saw the bodies of men off to his right and though he did not yet know it, one of the men’s bodies was the weight that was pinning him to the ground.

 

Barely thirty seconds had past since his eyes opened but with the ringing gone from his ears, the surrounding sounds split apart and the muffled became clear. The thunder and lightening became rapid gunfire and explosions. The rain became the desert sand falling back to earth and his heavy sweat was making it thick and greasy on his face. He turned his head farther to the right, as the sky exploded with a flash of light once more. The vehicle he had been riding in was on its side, its roof had been torn off and was nowhere in sight. The side of the vehicle looked like it had wrapped around a telephone pole at high speed. Of the other two vehicles that had been following, one was like an unrecognisable clump of metal and the other was in two pieces.

 

The scene initiated a few random memories. The small, three-vehicle convoy had been driving through the desert, when unexpectedly everything turned to shit. He recalled bullets and explosions followed only by more bullets and explosions, before a temporary blank spot interfered with his memory, shutting down what he was seeing in his mind.

 

Missing time existed but then like darkness turned to light, his memory ignited again and he saw Brandon dragging himself across the desert sand, his legs seemingly useless. Another missing moment and then Brandon was with him, lying beside him. A further brake in moments and then Brandon did the extraordinary thing he did, before saying the astonishing thing he said.

 

“No, this can’t be real and that can’t be possible,” he thought, as the broken memories took shape.

 

As his mind noticed the difference between his memories and the present moment, he thought, “When did the day become night?”

 

Interfering with those recollections, the recognition of pain tore into his consciousness. As his mind began to function more freely, he realised it was a torturous, drilling yet shooting pain in his back. A moment later he remembered the explosion and then the vehicle going airborne. He recalled seeing mushroom flames rolling upward, as they joined he and his mates who were tumbling through the air, all while he heard the sounds of men, his own sounds as well, as they yelled from their darkest fear.

 

Something shifted and loosened in his back, as he turned his head to look to his left. He could not consider his physical condition, though, as his eyes looked at the face of Brandon, his head resting on his shoulder like a lover in bed. He lifted his right arm, slid his hand across his chest toward his mate and when his fingers reached him, he nudged Brandon. He saw the complete lack of reaction but as he waited for some movement, he noticed Brandon was not breathing and he knew instantly he was dead. An agonising, emotional pain, the cruel pain of loss, tightened his chest and filled him. In that moment he knew his world had been torn in half.

 

He slid his hand down to his waist where Brandon’s arm was draped over and around him. He closed his hand around Brandon’s hand and softly squeezed momentarily. He then lifted it and moved the lifeless arm over to Brandon’s body. His own body felt weak but he pushed Brandon and watched his face turn away from the resting place of his shoulder, as Brandon’s body rolled to the side. He sat up but he groaned as physical pain shot through his back. It was agonising. Dismissing it, he began to crawl until he reached the next body. It was Mark and he was dead as well.

 

The farther he moved the more he did not have to touch his mates. Blood-soaked faces and clothes, empty arm sleeves and legless torsos and then, Craig lying on his back with a sizable piece of the vehicle sticking out of his inanimate chest. Kevin, Colin, Peter and Randal, along with every man of the Special Forces, elite squad, were dead. Eleven SAS soldiers and three younger soldiers ordered to drive, everyone, all except for him, were dead. His world had already been torn in half by the loss of Brandon but what he assumed had been left, at least for a few minutes, was now demolished.

 

Feeling like life was draining out of him, he fell onto his arse and streams of tears began to roll from his eyes. The men he shared his existence with were gone. It was like the loss of all his friends and family in a single event. He wanted to scream and he was consumed by a feeling that a great hole had been punched through his stomach and out of his back. Suddenly there was nothing inside his body.

 

He looked up at the night sky. In between each explosion there were so many stars. He had come to refer to it as a desert sky, even though he knew there was no such thing. It was just a night sky without a million city lights to dull its true nature. His head dropped back down and turned. His eyes scanned the desert floor and he could see the silhouette of each body. It was excruciating and the loss, now doubled, was more than he could bear.

 

With emotion now crushing him he thought, “My guys, my mates, my brothers; I’ll never forget you.”

 

Emotionally broken but turning and crawling back the other way, he returned to Brandon’s body. Sitting on his haunches and looking down, he stared at the younger man’s face each time the sky flashed bright. Time stopped, as did his rational mind, as his feelings exploded with thoughts of a sincere promise unfulfilled. His fearful concerns of the dangerous and precarious position he was in went unacknowledged, as he lifted Brandon’s body into his arms and apologised. His back screamed from the dead weight but that was irrelevant.

 

Soon he was crying again, as his apology was followed by the recollection of what he had said the night before. To add fuel to the fire, he recalled Brandon’s last words, which had followed the action he would never forget. The memory choked up his throat with both guilt and regret. He then wondered if there was any point to what he was trying to do, through what he was trying to say. After all, Brandon was dead, he could not hear him and there could be no response.

 

His next recollection was more professional than personal. The squad had been alone and it had been late afternoon during the attack, which had been accurate and fundamentally instant. If that were truly the case as he remembered it, then why was there weapons fire now? Who was fighting who when the whole squad was dead?

 

Silence. It was so abrupt it made his body turn cold. From head to toe his entire body contracted and became a knot. He had to move. The weapons fire had stopped, he was in the middle of an Afghanistan desert and he had no support. He could do nothing for his friends. He could not take them home, he could not bury them and if he did not get away from where he was immediately, he would be caught, imprisoned, tortured and probably beheaded.

 

Vomit. It shot into his throat but he forced himself to swallow it down. His stomach acids burned the shit out of his throat but that was inconsequential. Breaking free of his mind, of his heart and of his internal dialogue, he lowered Brandon back to the ground and he pushed his own body upwards. The pain in his back screamed but he could not let his voice echo the sentiments of his body. He had to be quiet.

 

He stumbled, he staggered and then leaning forward, the angle of his body caused his legs to move to stop him from falling back to the ground. It was the momentum of his legs that held him upright, except for maybe his will to survive, along with a fear that surrounded him like the darkness of the night.

 

His movement was slow by his regular standards but at least he was moving. Small sand hills stood before him, like waves, one after the other, as if rolling onto a beach. The darkness was pitch and his need to escape was primary, although, some part of him was arguing with himself as to why. His mouth was dry but the sweat that was running down his face and between his lips, tasted metallic. He thought that was odd.

 

Soon, inside his chest was burning, inside his head was aching and his back felt like it was going to explode. Still, his legs kept rolling along. As if it were perfectly natural, he saw and acknowledged a pretty rainbow in the distance, he saw a windsurfer slicing across a bay and then he was walking into the bedroom of his childhood home and the sheets looked so cool, clean and inviting.

 

“I should just lie down for a minute, just until I get my second wind,” he thought.

 

Oblivious due to unconsciousness, he fell forward, face into the dry, red dirt. Lifting his head away from the wet and lush, green grass, he pushed his body up and rose to his feet. His brow furrowed as he looked around with confusion.

 

“It’s daylight and it’s raining,” he mumbled, as he wiped the second skin of water from his face, naked chest and arms.

 

Thunder cracked so loud but he did not react or flinch, as he stood on the grass-covered hill, pouring rain drenching his body. He knew the rain had to be very cold but he could not feel the cold. He wondered why he was standing in a storm wearing nothing but flimsy track shorts. Only a moment before, he had been wearing his mission gear and now he was practically naked.

 

He looked up at the sky and the clouds were angry. Sheets of rain were approaching, like a misty, transparent wall and he knew something about all of this was wrong. Time and place seemed confused. He folded his arms and looked at the weather’s idea of something to worry about.

 

At the same time he saw Gary in a memory, the driver of the vehicle who was fundamentally a kid; ordered to deliver the big boys to their destination. The memory was in slow motion as the explosion occurred and when the roof came off the vehicle, Gary had been thrown forward and the windscreen had decapitated the young soldier.

 

“A bit of rain and wind? Ooh, scary,” he thought condescendingly, as if giving the finger to nature. Seemingly in response, a jagged sword of lightening slashed down in the distance and he knew somewhere near the horizon it hit the earth.

 

Swiftly, a brief thought made him wonder how he came to be at home but nothing was clear. His mates were dead and he had abandoned them, left them as food for vultures. He then saw a vehicle that was passing his property, slow down before it stopped. It seemed familiar but his thoughts were so jumbled he could not recall from where he knew it.

 

The explosions began again and he dived to the ground. The desert was soaked yet so soft and green. He started crawling and remembered he had to get away. He had to stand up and he had to run and hopefully this time a bullet would pierce his skull. He did not want to be the only one.

 

He stood up and the night was here again. The sand was dry and he was so wet with sweat. He was burning up. He stumbled but kept running down the hill of his property.

 

He thought, as the visuals kept changing before his eyes, “Where the fuck am I?”

 

He slammed into somebody, a man, who was not there a moment before. The man was holding him tightly, talking to him but he could not hear a word the man was saying. The man was standing in daylight but everything behind him was night.

 

“We have to run. We can’t let their deaths be in vain. We have to get back and let someone know,” he said to the man holding him and preventing him from running.

 

“Rick? What are you talking about? What are you doing out in this storm? Come on, let’s get you inside.”

 

“Storm? This isn’t a storm. You have no idea what a storm is. It’s a waste of life and I should’ve known better. I could’ve prevented at least the loss of one, the one who mattered deep inside. I’m sure I could’ve prevented it. I also should’ve stayed and killed those bastards. It doesn’t matter, though. It’s too late now. It’s hours before dawn and I have to make it back. People need to know what happened. Loved ones will need answers,” Rick said.

 

Jason tightened his grip on Rick’s upper arms but pulled back and looked into his eyes. Rick’s eyes were so very far away. Jason studied him intensely but quickly, as the questioning thought ran through his mind, “Hours before dawn?” He stared into the eyes of the man he was holding and said, “Rick, where are we?”

 

“I’m not sure. It’s too dark to know but we have to keep moving.”

 

It was late afternoon and Jason was now confused. He looked at the man he had left his vehicle and ran into a storm to check on. When he first saw him, he had thought rhetorically that Rick must have been out of his mind to be crawling along the grass in such horrendous weather. Now, he was actually thinking Rick truly was out of his mind. Though it may have been dark because of the storm, it was still daylight and he wondered what Rick was seeing in his mind.

 

Rick’s eyes suddenly changed when he looked at the man in front of him again. His expression became confused as he recognised him. He stared hard and then with shocked surprise he said, “Jason, what are you doing in Afghanistan?”

 

Jason looked at Rick in astonishment. His normal, rational neighbour was suddenly acting and talking crazy. Jason really had no idea how to handle a situation like this but knowing Rick was a former soldier while assuming he was reliving some traumatic event, he decided he should appease and quiet and comfort the man, at least until professionals could be called. He had no idea what Rick was going on about or what he was experiencing but he decided to see if he could go along for the ride and keep him calm.

 

“Rick, there’s no time for answers now. Look, there’s shelter over there. We can use it for cover and get some rest. We can talk later,” he said and gestured towards Rick’s home.

 

Rick looked over at the log cabin he had built over the last year. What he saw, though, was an abandoned shack in the middle of the desert. Thoughtfully he said, “I guess it’ll have to do. Maybe at dawn we can go back and retrieve the guys?”

 

“Of course, Rick, whatever you think is best. You’re the soldier after all and I’m just a civilian,” Jason said agreeably.

 

“Don’t worry, Jason, I’ll look after you,” Rick replied and then ironically, Jason led Rick to his house to get him out of the storm.

 

Reaching the log cabin, Jason led Rick in and then turned to close the door. As he turned back around to look for a phone, he saw that Rick had come to a halt and was standing frozen once again. It was the way Rick had been standing on the side of the hill, staring distantly at nothing, before he was crawling and then running moments later, as the ferocious rain poured down on his near-naked body.

 

Jason gazed at his new neighbours body. He was a magnificent specimen of the male form, in all its primed and muscular splendour. Jason thought this was an inappropriate thought but then as he looked at the soaking, naked flesh, he not only felt envy but extreme desire.

 

The grey shorts were so soaked through they had become somewhat transparent. It was obvious the man was not wearing underwear, as the white skin presented through the wet, grey material. The hard, perfectly curved arse suddenly looked overwhelmingly sexual.

 

“This is not the time for thoughts like that,” Jason thought.

 

Recently single, Jason had only moved into his new home two months previous. A quiet, regional area, he had rented the two-acre property with a desire to begin a new life, away from the heartbreak of his former life. The breakup with his boyfriend had been difficult. A three-year relationship flushed down the toilet because his boyfriend could not keep his cock in his pants. Free but devastated, Jason moved to this mountain country area, a quiet place to heal.

 

On the day he moved in, he met Rick, his neighbour, who was additionally an honourably discharged soldier. They had talked on numerous occasions since then; however, they were not really friends, as much as new acquaintances. Even so, Jason had really liked Rick within minutes of meeting him. He seemed so incredibly genuine.

 

His first impression of Rick, apart from a real man and a man’s man who was the ultimate hunk, became that of a truly decent, kind and very friendly human being. Rick was also softly spoken, which seemed incongruous considering his appearance. The man was a sight to be seen. He was big in every way, a huge display of flesh and muscle and bone. The sight of him simply exuded physical power and the deep tone of his voice had caused Jason to expect a hard, direct and intimidating individual. Instead, Jason had been confronted by simplicity, goodness and softness.

 

Shivering and feeling like a drowned rat after leaving his vehicle in the middle of a monsoon-like storm, Jason wanted to go home to shower and change his clothes. Instantly, though, he checked his selfishness and re-established his concern for his neighbour. He had not understood Rick’s choices and actions but once he had stood in front of him and grabbed him, the oddness of his behaviour and the strangeness of his words had brought a conclusion. The man’s mental health was in question.

 

Glancing above the perfect arse to where the seam of the shorts met skin, Jason noticed a thick scar running down beside Rick’s spine. It was approximately eight to nine centimetres long, at least the part of it he could see. The scar disappeared as it ran beneath Rick’s shorts. Jason did not perceive the scar as ugly or unsightly, it just made him curious as to its cause.

 

Walking over to Rick, as he stood statue-like and staring across the room at a wall, Jason gently placed his hand on the massive, right shoulder. His skin was drenched but it was also burning hot. Rick did not move or even acknowledge the touch. It was like he was not even aware that Jason was with him.

 

Softly, as he edged forward around the huge man so he could look at his face, Jason said, “Rick?”

 

Rick’s eyes were also frozen but so distant. He did not blink, he did not react and he did not even flinch.

 

Jason suddenly found himself gazing at how incredibly handsome his neighbour was. It was not that he had not noticed on the day he met him, nor during their several chats since, it was just that right at that moment, the helpless expression on Rick’s face, the sadness and distance in those eyes and the unkempt, soaking hair wrapped around his face, became magnetic.

 

As if a natural consequence, Jason allowed his eyes to drop, scanning slowly as he looked over the enormous chest, which was part of a huge and tightly muscled torso. The body was so hard and smooth and pumped, it was richly tanned and the wetness of his skin initiated thoughts of passion-filled, hot and sweaty sex.

 

Jason recalled the sight of Rick’s arse through the shorts. Subsequently, his nature was clawing its way to the surface in spite of the seriousness of the situation. Jason wanted to see more of this exceptional man. He let his eyes move down farther. The soaking shorts clung tight and revealed the thick outline of an impressive though flaccid cock. Jason felt that hungry feeling in his gut.

 

Blinking while intellectually pulling his mind away from the growing feelings and thoughts, Jason suggested without selfish agenda, “We should get you into a warm shower and then get you into bed.” Even so, Rick appeared not to hear and remained silent.

 

It was three o’clock on a Friday afternoon in the middle of summer. The day had been an absolute scorcher, as well as the third day of a relentless heatwave. Though the storm was the relief that everyone had been wishing and begging for, it’s fury had been unexpected. At that very moment, lightening flashed through the windows of the cabin for nearly ten seconds straight. When it stopped, just as he had done since he was a boy, Jason counted silently, “One thousand-one,” waiting for the following thunder, to discover how close or distant the crux of the storm was from his position. He did not even begin the second count before the rumbling thunder exploded for nearly twenty seconds. It was right on top of them and obviously moving very fast. The sound was unnervingly loud and disturbing and it caused the windowpanes to rattle and the cabin to vibrate and shudder.

 

Unexpectedly, as Jason was staring at the ceiling and questioning the sturdiness of the structure, Rick’s huge body was wrapping around him and then they were flying and falling before crashing to the ground. Pain shot through Jason’s body, as the huge man’s weight crunched on top of him, almost punching all of the air from his lungs when they hit the floor.

 

“Brandon, stay down,” Rick yelled.

 

“Shit,” Jason said and then thought, “What the fuck?”

 

Rick surrounded Jason in what was obviously the most protective way he could. His entire body moved directly on top of him, his hands held his shoulders while his arms crushed against his sides. His legs somehow managed to cradle Jason’s legs and pull them tightly together. The side of their faces were suddenly cheek-to-cheek and Rick turned his head so that his was the one on top. Jason’s entire body was completely encompassed. He was surrounded and covered.

 

“Brandon, you have to think faster and be more careful. I can’t be at your side in every moment. I promised you I’d get you home but you have to share some of the load,” Rick said.

 

Jason knew instantly that Rick was still trapped in his mind, probably reliving some memory. The whole situation was extremely unnerving but ironically, he actually did feel protected, even if only from a storm he assumed was a reminder of war.

 

A moment later there was another long flash of lightening and a split second later, thunder roared like it had done before. As the cabin shook, Rick crushed Jason even tighter as the explosion rocked their foundations. He screamed, “I won’t let you down and I will get you home.”

 

When the thunder stopped the only sound was the torrential rain. For at least a minute or two it was relentless and then strangely, perhaps because of the speed of the storm, it softened slightly.

 

Jason said in disbelief, “Rick?”

 

Rick lifted his head and as both men turned they looked into each other’s eyes. What Jason saw were not eyes of recognition. He knew Rick was not looking at him. Instead, he saw eyes of love gazing at him. A second later, Rick said softly, “Brandon, there’s something you need to know.”

 

Jason could not have known but the scene Rick was reliving had never actually occurred. The thunder and lightening had created an imagined scenario of Brandon’s life in danger. Jason also could not have known but what Rick was about to say and what he was about to do, was a confused mess of two events that actually did take place. It was confused because though he had wanted the outcome to happen, he had never found the courage to say or do what was required. Rick’s words and actions were created from poignant moments taken from memories. The first part was from the night before the attack and the second part, came from Brandon’s final words and actions, not long before the younger man had died in Rick’s arms.

 

“Brandon, you need to know what I said last night wasn’t true. I was angry with myself and not with you. Jesus, I promised myself I’d never cross this line. I know we’re not the same, as much as I wish we were. Brandon, I’m sorry but I love…”

 

As the voice trailed off, for the first time in his life, Jason saw anguish, fear, pain and love at the same time in someone’s eyes. Rick’s eyes were a display of emotion made tangible. Desperate, human desire, battled with militant, disciplined control, as realisation confirmed the secret of Rick’s personal war was lost. Before Jason knew what was happening, Rick’s lips were pressed to his and Rick’s tongue was in his mouth.

 

Jason was stunned beyond belief because he had never been kissed the way he was being kissed in that moment. It was the most passionate kiss he had ever received. This was the kiss of a man who was truly and deeply in love. It certainly was not at all like any kiss he had ever received from his former, so-called boyfriend.

 

Ironically, Jason’s first thought was to push Rick away and to say, “What the fuck?” Instead, though, two thoughts followed in his mind almost synchronously. The first was that this man was obviously suffering, maybe from war and definitely from loss but secondly; the man and his kiss were incredibly hot. It was turning Jason on so much that in seconds he had an erection and he wrapped his arms around Rick’s body, before submitting to the emotion and kissing Rick back just as deeply.

 

Temporarily, the slowing of the rain led to a brief respite from the storm, almost like the eye of a hurricane had moved into position. The knowledge of the rain slowing was audible. Almost a quiet descended upon the cabin and a moment later, Rick broke the kiss and was pushing his body to his feet. Rick was oblivious of what he had just said and done.

 

Moving to the window, Rick looked out to check for the enemy but as he stared outside, what he saw was the soaked but lush country surrounding his home. It was a beautiful sight of a peaceful place and his body began to relax, his breathing slowed and he became so still and quiet. He had no idea of the change that was taking place but his natural consciousness was returning.

 

Jason lifted himself from the floor. He adjusted his cock and straightened his clothes and then he walked over to Rick. Once again he rested his hand on Rick’s shoulder. This time, though, Rick flinched from what was now an unexpected touch, which told him someone else was in his home.

 

“Come on, let’s get you showered and dry and into bed,” Jason said softly.

 

Rick turned and looked at the man behind him. With confusion, as he wondered how Jason came to be in his home, he said, “Jason?”

 

“Come on, we don’t want you contracting pneumonia.”

 

Rick had no idea what Jason was talking about but as he looked down and realised he was soaking wet, he connected that knowledge with the fact he was inside and not outside in the rain. He glanced at Jason and saw that he was soaked as well. Though Rick wanted to question his neighbour as to what was going on and what had happened, innately he knew he had suffered another episode. He nodded and though he was embarrassed, he began to follow as Jason walked away. His mind was filled with questions, none of which were receiving answers.

 

Once Jason found the bathroom and they entered, Rick stood disoriented, uncertain as to what he was supposed to be doing. Jason saw the confusion and uncertainty and so he walked over to Rick and again he rested his hand on his shoulder. He looked him directly in the eyes and with a comforting tone of voice he said, “A warm shower and a warm bed.” He then turned on the water, adjusted the hot and cold until it was perfect and then he turned and asked, “Will you be okay on your own? I’ll be right outside.”

 

Rick looked at the shower running and then looked back and nodded. Jason smiled and left the room and immediately, Rick dropped his shorts and was soon beneath the water.

 

In the living room, now that everything seemed to have settled down, Jason walked to the window and looked outside. The world beyond the pane of glass was soaked, rivers of water were running down the hill and the plants and trees looked somehow bewildered. In a way, Jason felt the same. He was soaked, he was uncomfortable and though he wanted to be at home, some part of him thought he should stay and keep an eye on Rick.

 

Again he thought he should call someone but at the same time, Rick seemed like he was returning to normal. Jason then considered he did not know who he should call and even if he had known, he was not certain what the problem was or what he should say. It was at that moment when certain thoughts began to run through his mind.

 

Unsettling was an understatement and Jason could not believe what had just happened. His neighbour, he now assumed, appeared to be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Of course he could not be certain but it seemed reasonable.

 

Jason knew that Rick was not a nutcase. He had spoken to him on numerous occasions, the last time only two days ago and every time Rick had always seemed perfectly normal. He wondered if this was one of those times when a person looses the plot, when a whole heap of things breach the level of containment. Sometimes things become too much to cope with and people lose their shit for a brief time until they settle down. He wondered if that was all this was. Jason shook his head and thought, “No, this was far more than the inability to cope. Rick didn’t know where he was or what was really happening.”

 

Turning away from the window while wishing he were not so damned wet, with caution in mind, he walked into the kitchen, which he could see on the other side of the room. Quietly but swiftly, he looked through the cupboards in search of medications. He found nothing and so he quickly went in search of Rick’s bedroom. Though they had known each other for two months, neither had ever been in either’s home. Their conversations had always been across the property divide. When he found the bedroom just beyond the bathroom on the other side of the hall, on the bedside chest of drawers he found what he was looking for. Anti-depressants, muscle relaxants and sleeping tablets stood side-by-side and Jason wondered exactly what Rick was going through. His thought of PTSD seemed more likely now.

 

Leaving the bedroom, as he walked passed the still opened bathroom door, Jason looked in only to see Rick naked, slumped down on the floor with the water pouring down on him while he was sobbing.

 

“Shit,” Jason said and moved hurriedly into the room.

 

Though he was already soaked, a moment later he was kneeling beside Rick beneath the shower and dragging him into his arms. The action was obviously needed because within seconds, the huge man was embracing Jason while crying into his shoulder.

 

Eventually, Jason stood up and turned off the water. He reached out and retrieved the only towel in the bathroom and he lifted Rick to his feet. He handed the towel to Rick and told him to dry off. While Rick was doing that, Jason stripped out of his clothes that were dripping again. He wrung the water out of them and hung them over the frame of the shower recess. Once done, he took the towel and dried himself. He hung the towel again and then accompanied Rick to his bedroom.

 

Jason asked, “Do you have some clothes I could wear?”

 

“Sure,” Rick replied and dug some sweat pants out of a drawer. After he threw them to Jason, Rick slipped into some clean and dry shorts.

 

Outside, the storm had swung around and was delivering another onslaught to their surroundings. The sound of the rain had increased again, there was more lightening but the thunder was not so violent or reverberating.

 

Jason pulled on the sweat pants, not caring he had not been offered a shirt. Though the rain was cold and lowering the temperature, days of heat combined with the storm increased the humidity and therefore, inside Rick’s home, it was now quite comfortable. He turned but before Rick could do or say anything, Jason said, “Get in bed and I’ll make us a hot drink. What would you like? Tea?”

 

“Coffee,” Rick replied.

 

Jason said, “It’s a stimulant. Is that wise?”

 

Rick looked at his neighbour disturbed. He was an adult, this was his home and he did not think it was appropriate for Jason to be telling him what to do or questioning his decisions. He replied firmly, “Coffee!”

 

Jason raised an eyebrow from the tone of the reply.

 

Rick knew he liked his neighbour and that the man had been nothing but friendly toward him since the day they met. As he looked at Jason and saw the expression on his face, Rick considered what this man was doing for him. He then wondered what he had put the man through. He could not remember anything following sitting on the lounge at around two o’clock that afternoon. He looked at the clock beside the bed and saw it was now three thirty. With a sense of guilt and a sigh of resignation, Rick chose not to argue and so he sat on the bed but did not get into it. He looked up at Jason and Jason gave him a soft smile and said, “I’ll be back shortly.”

 

When Jason left the room, Rick thought that no one had ever seen him go off the rails. After returning home to Australia and after his discharge from the military and release from the military hospital, he had withdrawn from everyone he knew. Upon finding this Blue Mountains property and purchasing it, he began to build his little sanctuary away from the world.

 

Just over a year ago the episodes grew in frequency and regularity. Hours suddenly went missing and on one occasion, almost an entire day was lost, where he had no idea what had happened, what he had done or even if he had left his property. Another time he had awoken naked in the bush on the other side of the hill behind his home.

 

Following numerous blank spots in his memories and complete losses of time, he finally called the military hospital and told his doctor what was happening. The doctor told him he had a friend, another doctor with experience with PTSD, who was living and working in Rick’s local area. Soon enough, Rick had been prescribed appropriate medications.

 

The medications worked but they also made his mind and heart numb, as if he were trapped in an unreal world. Every now and then he would either choose not to take them or simply forget but each time hours later, he would find himself somewhere other than where he had been, seemingly only moments before. Each time an hour or more was missing. Today, another ninety minutes of his life had vanished but this time, for the first time, when reality returned, someone else was with him.

 

Soon after, Jason returned with two coffees and a glass of water. He put one coffee and the water on the bedside chest of drawers beside Rick and then walked around the bed and sat at the bottom on the opposite side. He said nothing, took a sip of his coffee and then stared at Rick in silent waiting.

 

Rick had fundamentally returned to himself, even though he was still not in a great frame of mind. As he looked at the man he only knew superficially, he suspected Jason was waiting for an explanation. Rick grinned and said, “Subtle.”

 

Jason smiled and replied, “Well, I don’t want to push you but though I don’t know anything about what just went on, I sort of thought it might do you the world of good to talk about it.”

 

“Maybe it would but Jason, I’m not sure I can talk about it or even if I really want to,” Rick said.

 

Jason nodded but then he lifted his hand and pointed to the medication and asked, “Are you meant to take those everyday?”

 

Rick glanced at the bedside chest of drawers and realising what Jason was talking about, as he saw some of the medications he was taking, he nodded that he was.

 

Jason asked, “Did you take them today?”

 

“No,” Rick replied honestly.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because they dull my senses and make me feel like a zombie. I want to be clear and I want to be able to put things into perspective. The meds make me feel like everything is buried in mud.”

 

“This is just a suggestion but Rick, maybe you need to speak with a professional and get whatever’s going on with you, off your chest.”

 

“Jason, I see someone regularly but…”

 

“But what?”

 

“It’s so hard to say what I want to say to a professional. I’ve tried to talk to several different people but it’s like talking to robots. Everything is so damned analytical and clinical in the way they discuss it. I mean I’m a rational man but what’s going on inside of me isn’t rational and can’t be reduced to perspectives that come out of a mental health textbook. I know what happened to me, I know what I went through and I know all of the issues I have. It’s not about simply saying the words or just accepting what happened as part of my life. There’s more to it but I don’t know how to get beyond it,” Rick tried to explain.

 

Jason asked, “Am I correct in my assumption that this is to do with the war?”

 

“In part, yeah,” Rick replied.

 

“I’m not sure what to say to you, Rick. I’m not a soldier, I’ve never been to war and I’ve never even been in a war-torn environment. I have no idea what you’ve been through, even if I could guess at some of the things you may have experienced. All I know is that though we don’t know each other very well, the man I thought I was getting to know over the last two months, was nothing like the man I found standing, crawling and running down the hill half naked in one of the wildest storms I’ve ever experienced,” Jason said.

 

“I’m truly sorry for what I put you through,” Rick replied.

 

“Don’t be sorry and there’s no need to apologise. We all go through various types of shit in our lives at one point or another. I just really wish I could understand and I also wish there was something I could do to help you,” Jason said.

 

“I don’t know if I could help you to understand. Without a base of similar experience, you’d have nothing to compare it to,” Rick replied.

 

“Rick, twenty minutes ago you didn’t even know who I was. In fact, you thought I was someone else. I can’t relate to that either but I’m still here and trying to grasp the difficulties you’re going through,” Jason clarified.

 

Rick lifted his head abruptly and looked at Jason in shock. Almost a fearful expression crossed his face, as he wondered if he was completely losing his mind. Tentatively he asked, “Did I say anything to you?”

 

“Yeah. You called me Brandon and you promised me you’d get me home.”

 

“Oh Christ,” Rick said.

 

“Was Brandon someone important?”

 

So many memories swam through Rick’s mind from that simple question. Brandon represented all that Rick had been, all that he was now and all that he had suppressed. Brandon was perhaps the most pivotal piece of his life to this point. A simple thought or memory of Brandon could fill him with anxiety but for several different reasons. The reasons were individual in their own right but somehow they seemed to merge into a confronting whole that could stop Rick in his tracks.

 

“Brandon was the youngest guy in my squad. He was everything he needed to be Special Forces but Afghanistan was his first tour, his first real experience away from training. When the reality of where he was and the extreme dangers of covert action surrounded and truly hit him, he was terrified. No one saw it but me. I knew something was wrong immediately but instead of reporting my concerns, I took him aside and talked to him.

 

“He was twenty-four but in a way he was just a kid. He begged me not to report my concerns or to say anything. He told me he just needed time to settle into the environment. He said his father expected him to succeed and to become the best and then he told me he just needed time. He pleaded with me to give him the chance to get used to it. Part of me thought I shouldn’t do what I did but I agreed. I took him under my wing and looked after him. I made him a promise I never should’ve made. I told him I’d help him and get him through and that I’d make sure he got home to his family and friends,” Rick explained.

 

The details Rick explained to Jason about Brandon, were details he had never spoken out loud before. Jason’s simple question had begun an answer but the answer had turned into more than Rick had been prepared to say. Subconsciously, his mouth had kept talking, as the weight of his own guilt forced the truth into the open.

 

“I’m guessing you weren’t able to keep your promise?”

 

Rick looked up in shock as the realisation of what he had revealed took hold. This was one of the two things he had never revealed and then out of the blue, in just a few minutes, he had told Jason. He had not revealed the full weight of the situation but still he had uncorked the bottle.

 

“Yeah. He’s dead and it’s my fault,” Rick said.

 

“Something tells me there’s more to this than you being at fault,” Jason surmised, base on Rick’s earlier unconscious words and kiss.

 

“Yeah, there’s more to it but that doesn’t negate the fact that I’m to blame.”

 

“Rick, if you’d reported what was going on with him, would the military hierarchy or whatever you call them, have transferred him back to Australia or transferred him to some other division or whatever it is that they do under those sorts of circumstances?”

 

“Maybe. The thing is you don’t make it into a squad like ours by simply ticking boxes. You need the mentality and the skills and the attitude, which he must have had to be there with us in the first place. Ours was an elite squad. We were SAS, you know! Maybe they would’ve pulled him aside to give him time to adjust. I’m not one hundred percent sure but I didn’t give him the chance because I thought I could see him through his issues and help him become what he desperately wanted to become.”

 

“Is Brandon’s death the reason for your discharge?”

 

This question slammed Rick right into the middle of everything. There was so much at the heart of why he was no longer a soldier, of why his discharge had occurred. He decided to brush over the top of the questions Jason was asking him, in the way he did with the professionals. Facing it in his mind was a daily occurrence but facing it with words out loud was not something he had ever chosen to do. The problem was he did not know what Jason knew and he also did not know that brushing over the truth was not going to succeed.

 

“In part, yeah,” Rick replied.

 

“So what was the other part?”

 

Rick looked deeply into Jason’s eyes and he sighed. He knew if he continued he would have to relive that afternoon, which turned into the worst night of his life. He turned and picked up his coffee and took a gulp.

 

“This is obviously a very difficult subject, so if you really don’t feel you can talk about it then I’ll stop asking questions. We can talk about something else. This weather seems to have set in and I really don’t feel like going back outside into it. I know I only live next door but honestly, Rick, by the time I got down the hill to the road to my car and after driving the rest of the way home, only to get soaked again before I got inside, I’d really prefer to wait it out until it calms down, if you wouldn’t mind,” Jason said.

 

“No, of course not. Stay as long as you want or need to,” Rick replied.

 

“Thanks.”

 

Rick looked at this man who now knew more than anyone else. He sighed again and then choosing a single occurrence he said, “It was a disturbing event so I won’t go into detail but I’ll let you in on the essence of what led me to where I am today.”

 

“Whatever you feel up to and at your own pace,” Jason suggested.

 

Staring at his neighbour sitting patiently at the bottom of his bed, he thought there was something about Jason that set him apart from everyone he came into contact with these days. The look in Jason’s eyes did not carry pity or judgement or categorisation. It was a look of sincerity and true consideration.

 

From the day he had met Jason, Rick had always thought only good thoughts about him. Jason was thoughtful, he listened without talking over the top of him, he seemed honestly interested in whatever he had to say and he always looked him in the eyes. There was something so authentic about Jason. He seemed fair dinkum while unlike most people, Jason seemed devoid of underlying motivation or agenda.

 

There was a background thought in Rick’s mind as well. It was the thought that Jason was very attractive but that was a thought he could not allow to reach the front of his mind. He knew the consequences of opening his heart and since that long ago night, the first time he ever revealed his truth, he had decided it was too painful and he could never do that again.

 

“There were fifteen of us all up, twelve in the squad and three drivers taking us where we were going. It was late afternoon and we’d received a tip from a reliable source that an Isis base of operations had been set up in a nearby town. Covert operations, intelligence gathering and any possible infiltration were at the core of our squad’s missions. Unfortunately we didn’t even reach our destination.

 

“We were split into a small, three-group convoy and all three vehicles were hit simultaneously. Bullets were spraying and rocket launcher warheads were exploding all around us. It seemed like they knew we were coming because it was more or less a precise hit. The next thing I knew I was in mid-air, metal and men and shit knows what else was flying by. I vaguely remember falling toward the ground before I was unconscious.

 

“It was Brandon’s voice that brought me back to consciousness, if only temporarily. I opened my eyes but though I didn’t realise why at the time, I couldn’t move because I had a piece of shrapnel sticking into my back. It was nudged up against my spine hindering movement and I couldn’t move until it shifted later.

 

“I watched Brandon drag himself over the desert sand to get to me. He couldn’t move his legs. When he reached me, he dragged himself up beside me, where he lay between my body and my left arm. He looked at me and thanked me for taking care of him. I told him not to talk like it was over but he just smiled knowingly and then laid his head on my shoulder. He wrapped his arm around me and held me tight, like a father or a brother or a…”

 

Jason remained expressionless as Rick’s words trailed off and his distant gaze fell into the corner of the room. Jason suspected Rick was going to say, “or a lover” and so he decided to try and make things easier for Rick to open up. Before he could say what he was going to, though, Rick looked at him ready to speak again.

 

“As we were lying there together, we engaged in a short though very personal conversation…” he said, as his voice began to crack with raw emotion and he trailed off again.

 

Jason stared at Rick and could see he was almost on the verge of breaking down. He thought to himself that no matter what had gone on during the mission, the core of Rick’s problems had more to do with Brandon than the war.

 

Rick tried desperately to stop the building emotions but there was so much in his mind, so many thoughts and feelings and he broke. He gulped at his coffee but nothing would stop the memories.

 

Jason could see the crushing pain in Rick’s eyes and then he watched as the tears began to flow. He feared that Rick might fall back into a state like the one he had found him in outside. He thought that would not help Rick and so he decided on a different course of action.

 

“Rick, I know you don’t want to take the meds but it might be helpful if you took a couple of the sleeping tablets and got some rest?”

 

Lifting his gaze to look at Jason while considering he might be right, Rick nodded in agreement. Jason stood and walked around to the other side of the bed. He sat down beside him and he removed two tablets and picked up the glass of water. He handed them to Rick and he took them, swallowed some water to wash them down and then handed the glass back to Jason.

 

“Scoot down, get comfortable and try and relax,” Jason said.

 

It was an uncharacteristic thing for Rick to do but he leaned forward and he embraced Jason. He thanked him for his help as he hugged him but everything felt overwhelming and his silent tears fell more heavily. Jason helped lower Rick down and said, “Close your eyes and get some rest.”

 

Like following orders, there was no argument on Rick’s part, as Jason helped lower his body deeper onto the bed. When Jason shifted to stand up, though, the idea that Jason was going to leave, filled Rick with a sense of being alone in the world. It was how he had felt since that night, now almost eighteen months ago.

 

“Don’t go,” Rick said, his voice filled with anxiety.

 

“It’s okay, Rick, I’m not going to leave you, I’ll just be outside in the living room,” Jason replied.

 

Reaching out, Rick gripped tightly to Jason’s wrist and while pulling him toward him he said, “No, please, Jason, could you stay here with me?”

 

Nodding, as Rick stared at him with eyes that seemed desperate, Jason allowed Rick to pull him down. Once they were both lying on the bed, Rick turned over and pulled Jason’s arm around him, unwilling to release the hold on his wrist. Jason submitted and while pressed against Rick’s back, he said, “It’s okay, I won’t leave you.”

 

Following a sigh of relief, Rick gave himself permission to lean into Jason’s body before thanking him again. After a few minutes of silence, Rick said quietly, “I know I probably seem crazy to you but at the moment, I really feel like I need someone with me.”

 

“Rick, I may not know the details but it’s obvious to me you’ve been through hell and so I don’t think you’re crazy and I’m happy to stay with you,” Jason replied.

 

The simple response from Jason seemed to cause the tightness and tension in Rick’s body, to drain away with his following deep inhalation and exhalation of breath. His weight released and his body seemed to melt back into Jason’s body and Jason tightened his hold around the huge man. Silence followed and Jason lay quietly, as he listened to Rick’s breathing become more regular and softer. Though he had no idea how much time ticked by and though he had not expected it, not only did Rick fall asleep but so did he.

 

***

 

It was hours later when Jason awoke. At first he was confused and did not know where he was but as his mind began to tick over, he recalled the earlier events. Noticing how it was now dark, he tilted his head and looked at the window across from the bottom of the bed. Night had fallen, the storm had passed and he could see a star filled sky through the top of the window.

 

Immediately following, Jason realised he was not in the same position. He had turned over but so had Rick. The huge man was not only pressed tight to him while spooning from head to toe but Rick’s arms were wrapped around him as well. Also, a very noticeable erection was tightly squeezed between Jason’s butt cheeks.

 

For a moment Jason felt wrong about what was happening but seconds later, his thoughts changed as his desires grew. Since the day he had met Rick; the huge and handsome soldier who was building a home next door and always wearing nothing but builder’s shorts and work boots, Jason had watched him from a distance and often fantasized about being his lover. Now, he was in bed with him, Rick’s beautiful, muscled chest and arms were wrapped around him and it was almost a fantasy come true.

 

Again his mind took his focus to the hard meat squeezed tight along the length of his crack. It was almost impossible to believe he was in this position, a position he had imagined for quite some time. He had never believed it could happen, not with a big, strong soldier who would undoubtedly be straight. Now though, he recalled that earlier he had discovered in a kiss, the soldier was gay or maybe bisexual.

 

For several minutes Jason allowed his body to sink deeper into the embrace while the feeling of the man’s huge chest against his back, hot flesh against hot flesh, felt so good. Softly, Jason pressed his arse more firmly against the big, meaty bone and he almost moaned. It had been well over three months since the last time he had sex with his ex-boyfriend. His hand had been sufficient since moving here but this; this was like a dream that would cause a wet dream to awaken from.

 

Still sound asleep; Rick reacted to the stimulation against his hard cock and his hips pushed forward into the tight, cock-crushing environment that fired his subconscious mind. Suddenly, he was dreaming of Brandon’s handsome face and hot body. His arms tightened around Jason’s body and pulled him impossibly closer.

 

Unexpectedly, Jason felt a type of guilt. To him, he was taking advantage of a sleeping man who was also a man who was not in his right frame of mind. Somehow this felt like a type of molestation. He relaxed his body and his butt moved partially away, removing some of the pressure against Rick’s erection. Instantly, Rick’s actions stopped but he did not let go of Jason and simply returned to the security of holding someone while sleeping.

 

Breathing a sigh of regretful relief, Jason wanted to get up and leave. He wondered if he unfolded Rick’s arms from around him, if he would awaken. Jason thought the peacefulness of heavy sleep was good for the man whose past was so obviously deeply disturbing. Though he did consider he was making an excuse to stay where he was, he also believed Rick’s situation was important and so he decided to stay with his neighbour.

 

No more than three minutes later, Rick’s conscious mind stepped into his subconscious mind and in the midst of sleep, awareness filtered the knowledge that his cock was hard, that his arms were around a man and the man’s arse was softly pressing against his erection. His subconscious mind offered him a moving picture of Brandon in his arms, their bodies close and tight. It was a world away from reality and so Rick subconsciously pushed his cock into the warm cheeks in response, however, Rick’s strengthening conscious mind told him Brandon was dead.

 

Instantly, Rick’s subconscious mind was thrust into the background, his eyes opened in shock and he pushed his body away from the body he was holding, as he gasped out, “What the fuck?”

 

Dragging hard, Rick pulled his arm from beneath the male body and rolled onto his back and away. Jason spun on the spot so he was facing Rick in the dark and said, “Rick, it’s okay, it’s just me, Jason.”

 

“What? What are you doing in my bed?”

 

“Rick, settle down and try and remember. You asked me to stay with you this afternoon. I found you outside in the storm and I brought you inside.”

 

With instant recall, reaching out, Rick flicked a switch on the bedside lamp and a soft light illuminated the room. He looked at Jason and slowly he began to remember in more detail. His tense body began to relax into the mattress and as he allowed his head to fall back against the pillow, he brought his hand to his face and squeezed his eyes with his thumb and index finger. As he did this he said, “Shit, you must think I’m… I don’t know what you think but you can’t have a great opinion of me after today.”

 

“I still don’t really know what’s going on with you but Rick, no, I don’t have a bad opinion of you. I just think you’re a man dealing with some intense shit and you need some help.”

 

Rick’s eyes showed understanding but instantly he thought about what had awoken him and the reason for his extreme retreat across the bed. He had been rubbing his hard cock in Jason’s crack. Subsequently he asked, “Were you awake or did I wake you up?”

 

“No, you didn’t wake me, I woke up a short time ago,” Jason replied.

 

“So you knew? I mean you felt what I was doing?”

 

“It’s okay,” Jason said.

 

“What? It’s not okay. Jason, I was hard and I was pumping it against your arse.”

 

Jason stared at Rick and thought about what he had been going to say hours ago. He decided not to confront Rick by abruptly outing him and instead, to reveal about himself what he had not told Rick two months ago.

 

“I liked it,” Jason said, as he stared directly into Rick’s eyes.

 

“You, you what?”

 

“I’m sorry I never told you but Rick, you were in the military. I didn’t know how you’d react or respond and I didn’t want to risk any bad blood before we got to know each other. I’ve heard things were better in the military where homosexuality is concerned but I really didn’t know how true it was. On top of that, a big guy like you, well, you sort of made me feel a little intimidated.”

 

Rick asked, “You’re telling me you’re gay?”

 

“Yeah, I am,” Jason admitted and smiled warmly.

 

With his mind suddenly going ballistic, a bunch of random though associated thoughts rolled in swift succession, one after the other through Rick’s mind. His mind confirmed he was gay but in the closet. It reconfirmed how attracted to Jason he had been since the day he met him and then he recalled how much he had loved and wanted Brandon. He saw the face of his first gay encounter when he was a teenager and then he was confirming he had never told anyone and never been willing to admit his truth out loud. He stared at Jason and wondered if Jason wanted him. He wondered if that was the only reason Jason had remained with him. Had Jason only remained because he wanted sex? It was not an arrogant thought; it was an insecure thought.

 

Jason could see the stress on Rick’s face and the fear in his eyes. Following the scene that had played out in the living room earlier, Jason was not certain if Rick was gay or bisexual but he suddenly felt certain Rick was in the closet. The idea seemed fairly reasonable under the circumstances.

 

“Rick, can I ask you a personal question?”

 

Abruptly, Rick asked, “What?”

 

“Are you gay or maybe, are you bisexual?”

 

“No,” Rick said emphatically.

 

Jason looked at Rick with disbelieving eyes. He recalled the kiss in the living room hours beforehand. He knew that Rick had thought he was kissing Brandon and Jason could not dismiss the protectiveness. He certainly could not forget the love in Rick’s eyes or the intense passion. Jason also recalled how Rick had unconsciously almost completely admitted he was in love with Brandon, stopping before he said the final word – “You.”

 

With a subtle shake of his head that suggested he did not believe Rick, Jason then looked into his eyes and nodded his acceptance of Rick’s denial. Jason was certainly not going to argue with a man who was going through whatever he was going through.

 

Rick could not help but see the look in Jason’s eyes. He knew Jason did not believe him and he wondered how Jason could know or why he would think he was lying when he denied it. For a moment he tried to tell himself Jason must have thought he was awake and pressing his erection into Jason’s arse but then he dismissed that because of his own reaction and the way he pulled away.

 

With denial rising, Rick asked, “What do you want from me?”

 

Jason sighed and replied, “I don’t want anything, Rick. I was here because I was helping you and I’m here now because you asked me to stay with you.”

 

Rick sighed. He knew he was in denial and he was trying to remove the pressure by inferring Jason had an agenda.

 

“I’m sorry,” Rick said softly.

 

“No apologies necessary, Rick,” Jason replied.

 

“I didn’t mean to accuse, it’s just…”

 

“Rick, it’s okay. Look, I think I should tell you something because maybe it will make things easier for you. Maybe if you know I’m already aware of one of the things you’re holding inside, it just might remove some of the pressure I think you’re carrying.” Very reluctantly Jason added, “Rick, earlier when, um, when you weren’t yourself and you thought I was Brandon; you um, you said…”

 

Rick asked while not sure he really wanted to know, “I said what?”

 

“You said something and did something that inferred something about the man you were, at least where Brandon was concerned. I told you that you thought I was Brandon and during that time you told me you were in love with me, I mean, in love with him. A moment later you kissed him, um, I mean you kissed me and I have to say, your kiss spoke volumes and told me something about you I didn’t know.”

 

Rick could not believe what he was hearing and he said, “What?”

 

“Look Rick, no matter the truth or what the reasons or even if it was just because you were in some alternate state of mind, I promise you, Rick, the knowledge will remain between us and I won’t mention it ever again if that’s what you want,” Jason offered.

 

Rick was stunned once again by the amount of information he had unintentionally revealed to Jason, without even knowing he was doing so. All of this, everything as a whole, seemed so big it felt like he was carrying a mountain on his shoulders. He suddenly felt like his entire world was going to come crashing down on him. Strangely, at least to him, a thought came into his mind, suggesting it was time to change the man he was.

 

Staring at Jason intently, he thought that considering everything else that Jason knew, he was probably the one person he could tell. With little thought more than that and without thought of the possible consequences he had always used as an excuse, with a desperate need to free himself he said, “What the hell, in for a penny, in for a pound.”

 

Jason clearly knew exactly what that meant. Rick was about to reveal all. Jason had sat down during the afternoon, hoping to help while thinking if Rick opened up about whatever was bothering him, maybe it would ease his mind. Now, though, considering everything that had occurred, he feared the consequences of pushing someone into their psychology too soon.

 

“I’m sorry I kissed you,” Rick said, closing his eyes so he did not have to look into Jason’s eyes.

 

“Don’t be sorry. I wasn’t offended, I wasn’t bothered and to be honest, I’ve never been kissed like that in my life. It was one hell of a kiss,” Jason replied and smiled softly.

 

Rick opened his eyes and stared at Jason in shock. He had always expected any type of admission of his sexual preference would lead to something bad. Even so, denial seemed like such an easy place and he wanted to fall back into its arms. Not wanting to remain on the subject of a non-consensual kiss, a subject that could lead to an actual conversation about his sexuality, he averted his eyes and looked to the other side of the room.

 

The following silence seemed so extensive but finally Jason said, “I should know better than to make assumptions but Rick, I assumed you were gay or at least bisexual following that kiss as well as the words you said to me when you thought I was Brandon.”

 

“What did I say?”

 

“You told Brandon you were in love with him,” Jason replied.

 

Rick was stunned but after a moments thought and while continuing not to look at Jason and to stare at the wall, he said, “Obviously if I kissed you while thinking you were Brandon, you therefore know I’m not straight. The truth is I’m gay, which is something no one else knows. The thing is, Jason, I’ve never let that side of myself out into the open.”

 

Jason asked, “What exactly do you mean?”

 

“I mean I’ve never said it, I’ve never lived it and the closest I ever came was two random and secret occurrences. Both were when I was younger. When I was eighteen, just before I entered the military, there was a guy I got drunk with and we, well, we did some stuff but never went all the way. I didn’t do anything after that until I was about twenty-five. There was another soldier but again, it was something that happened secretly and unexpectedly. Those situations were how I knew for sure about myself but I just couldn’t bring myself to be that person.

 

“I knew it was the man I was deep inside but when I thought about telling my family, about telling all the people around me and in my life; well, at no point did I feel it would be conducive to my life in or outside of the military. I fundamentally became all work and no play. No one questioned me because I was always all conference.

 

“I know times are changing and I know even the military is slowly changing in regard to sexuality but I guess I’ve always struggled with it. It seems I was slower at evolving than even the armed forces were. I’m not a virgin but what little I’ve experienced was a long time ago. Being SAS and gay, at least in my mind, well, I just couldn’t merge the two things into one.

 

“I enlisted when I was twenty. I served in Iraq and then in Afghanistan. I’ve been living this life for fourteen years. I never expected to change anything and I never wanted to, at least not until just over two years ago.”

 

Jason asked, “So who or what caused the change?”

 

Rick sighed but began, “Unexpectedly, a new guy was in the squad. At first I didn’t know I was falling in love with him but soon I definitely knew I was becoming obsessed with him. I took to him like a fish to water, like I imagine a father connects with his son. He was so different to me and yet I felt like when he was with me, I was whole in a way I’d never felt before.

 

“I was thirty at the time and Brandon was twenty-four and the age difference made me feel like I should be ashamed of myself. I know it was only six years but I was also his superior officer and so it all seemed so wrong to me.

 

“Anyway, I thought Brandon must have felt the father/son connection too because he always came to me if he had something on his mind. It didn’t take long before I noticed what I told you about how he was feeling and how uncertain he was. I told him in private he needed to take a step back for the safety of everyone in the squad.

 

“You have to understand, Jason, there’s no room for hesitation or mistakes in what we do. Fear is a wedge to confidence, to the flow of a mission and also to its success. Freezing up or hesitation can lead to death, not only yours but everyone else’s as well. Brandon begged me to let him prove himself to me and I was so caught up in my feelings for him, I agreed. That was when I told him to stick with me and I’d see him through it all. I really didn’t want him gone. I wanted him to stay. I wanted him at my side.

 

“So things went along and Brandon was okay. He became more confident and nothing bad ever happened. The missions went fine and without a hitch.”

 

Jason interrupted loudly, “Wait! Are you telling me that in spite of Brandon’s fear, you kept him safe, you shored up his involvement and participation in the squad until he was just like the rest of you? Are you telling me nothing happened until that afternoon in the desert?”

 

“Yeah. Why?”

 

“How long was there between Brandon’s arrival on the squad and the attack in the desert?”

 

“About nine or ten months,” Rick replied.

 

“Rick, if everything worked out, if Brandon never did anything wrong and if he got his act together, then surely you succeeded in what you were trying to do and that was a good thing?”

 

“Well yeah but I’m not sure what the point is you’re trying to make?”

 

“Rick, surely if it all worked out then it’s not your fault that Brandon’s dead,” Jason said.

 

“From that perspective, I guess so but if I’d reported him at the start and if like you suggested they’d transferred him then he wouldn’t have been there on that day. I could’ve saved him if I hadn’t wanted him around so bad,” Rick said and closed his eyes guiltily.

 

“No, that’s not reasonable, Rick. You didn’t want Brandon to die. You wanted to keep your promise to him to get him home, even though I’m now guessing the promise became irrelevant in his mind. You loved him, you wanted him and you didn’t want to let go of him and now you’re trying to blame yourself for some random event no one could have prevented. Rick, what your thinking and saying is like trying to say that you wouldn’t have had a car accident if you hadn’t got out of bed in the morning. It’s a pointless argument.”

 

Jason’s words rang true in Rick’s mind but the blame he carried had existed for a long time and so no amount of logic was going to free him up instantly. Rick did not want to carry the guilt but letting it go was going to take more than a few rational words of truth.

 

“Anyway, I never said anything to Brandon about how I felt about him. As far as I knew, I was his mate as well as his senior officer and he had no idea of what was going on with me or of the things I wanted to say and do to him.

 

“Everything seemed perfectly normal as a general rule. Not a man in our squad suspected there was anything different about me. As I said, no one knew I was gay. On the night before the final mission, I went for a walk around our base of operations. I was in a bit of hell regarding the growing intensity of my feelings for Brandon and I was trying to walk off the frustration.

 

“I was at the back of base when Brandon suddenly came up behind me. He’d come looking for me and I had no idea why. He asked me what I was doing and what was wrong and in some weird moment of anger that came out of nowhere, I yelled at him.”

 

Jason asked, “What did you say to him?”

 

I asked why I couldn’t get a moments peace away from him and why he had to follow me around like a homeless dog?”

 

“Oh shit,” Jason whispered quietly.

 

“Jason, the expression on Brandon’s face almost killed me. He looked like the most important person in his life had told him they hated him and wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire. I broke his heart and his eyes broke mine and he turned and walked away. I called to him telling him I was sorry but he was too hurt and he ignored me and kept on walking. I should’ve gone after him but I let him go. I hated myself because I was deceiving the person I loved with every cell of my being. He was crushed because his go-to guy, his father figure and his best friend, had just backhanded him right in the face.

 

“The next day Brandon had changed. He was detached and all, ‘Yes Sir, No Sir.’ The connection between us before that night was gone. In the vehicle as we were driving, he barely looked at me. I wanted to reach out and wrap my arms around him and hold him. I wanted to apologise and plead with him to forgive me and then all hell broke loose.

 

“The next thing I knew, everything and I mean absolutely everything was in the air. A rocket launcher warhead hit the ground right next to the vehicle. Randal and Craig copped the full force of the blast and I’m pretty certain they died instantly. The roof blew off, our driver was… Well you don’t need to hear those details but he died as well. Anyway, then the vehicle was spinning side-to-side, bottom-over-top and somehow in those moments in the air, as we were flung out of the vehicle, I saw guys from the other vehicles in the air as well. All three had been hit at exactly the same time. I lost sight of Brandon when we were thrown into the air. It wasn’t until I regained consciousness for the second time, which was later at night, when I realised everyone was dead.”

 

Jason was absolutely horrified, as his imagination created a visual of the events Rick was explaining. He felt sick to the stomach and deeply sad and with tears in his eyes he said, “Oh my god, Rick, I’m so very sorry.”

 

“Thanks,” Rick said almost arbitrarily before he continued, “So I remember seeing the earth coming toward me so fast but I don’t remember hitting the ground or being knocked unconscious. I’m not even sure how long it was later when I heard Brandon’s voice. All I know is at that point it was still daylight. He was calling out to me and his voice sounded like he was in agony.

 

“I opened my eyes but I couldn’t move. I tried to move but I was on my back and apart from my head and arms, my body wasn’t working and I didn’t know why. I’ve already explained to you earlier about the shrapnel in my back, just in case you don’t remember. Anyway, I lifted my head and I stared in horror as Brandon dragged his body over the desert to get to me. He had no use of his legs and I didn’t know exactly why but I also didn’t know if there was anything else that was wrong with him. I know now but I don’t even want to think about it. I couldn’t take my eyes off him because I wanted to help him and protect him and make sure he got back to his family. The old promise came raging back to life.

 

“Eventually he crawled up beside me and held onto me. I told you what he said at the beginning about thanking me for taking care of him but what I didn’t tell you was about the conversation we had that followed. As he lay there with his head on my shoulder, Brandon said he was so sorry that he got angry with me the night before. He apologised that he hadn’t realised how much of a burden he had become to me. I wanted to stab myself as a consequence of how guilty I felt. I told him what I had said wasn’t true and that I had taken my anger and frustration with myself out on him.

 

“He asked me if I was saying that just to make him feel better and I told him it was the truth. I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind that Brandon believed he was going to die and so I felt like I had to tell him the truth. I took a deep breath and I told him that the truth was I was gay, I had fallen in love with him and that knowing I could never be with him or have him was making me frustrated and angry. I told him I loved him more than anyone else in my life and that it was me who should be sorry for how I treated him the night before.

 

“Brandon lifted his head off my shoulder and leaned forward so he could look into my eyes. He was crying but he was smiling and then he leaned down and he kissed me in a way no one ever had. I was astonished even as I kissed him back. It made me fall even more deeply in love with him. It was a long and deep kiss and when he broke the kiss, he gazed into my eyes and said, ‘Rick, I’m gay too, I love you too and I would’ve been honoured to be by your side.’ He then lowered himself down, his head back on my shoulder and he gripped my waist like he never wanted to let me go. Sometime following that moment, I fell into unconsciousness again. I didn’t know it until I woke up that night but while I was unconscious, Brandon died in my arms.”

 

“Oh Jesus,” Jason whispered again.

 

Now silent, Rick was crying. The power of reliving that moment in the desert was once again ripping him apart. His love for Brandon, the only man he had ever loved, had become a rack he was tied to; stretching him to a point he was incapable of enduring. Eighteen months later, all the time alone had eased him somewhat but the constant replay of his memories, along with his empty life, imprisoned him in the past.

 

Jason was holding his breath. He could not believe that anything could ever draw stronger emotions from him, then the horror he had visualised of the soldiers in those vehicles. However, the final conversation between Rick and Brandon, on top of the knowledge that Brandon had died with a mutual admission of love, simply broke Jason’s heart. He inhaled deeply but quietly, as he realised emotions could always be topped in some varying form.

 

“When I regained consciousness it was the deserts version of darkness. To give you a picture of the surroundings, we were driving along a road with high ground off to our right. That’s where they were, hiding in the rocky outcrop. Less than twenty seconds before the attack, we passed by another road that led to the road we were on. I didn’t know it at the time but there were American soldiers heading toward our position on that side road. They didn’t know we were there and so when the attack on us began, the Americans assumed they were driving into an attack. They stopped and began firing on the position of the attack. For what were two or more hours, the American’s fought a battle not realising we’d been hit, which stopped Isis from approaching us. The American’s took their attention from us, which is why I’m still alive. My entire squad excluding me were dead. I guess it’s all a matter of timing.

 

“Anyway, the American’s saved my pitiful arse. I didn’t even know they were there and so I didn’t know who was fighting at the time. Eventually, I stood up hoping I could walk back and get some help. Leaving my brothers bodies in the sand felt like a betrayal on my part but that was what I did. At some point as I was staggering through the desert, I must have collapsed. The American’s found my squad and later, me beside the road. They transported us back.

 

“To be honest with you, Jason, I don’t really recall any of that last part. It’s what I was told after the fact. I woke up in Australia in a military hospital. They told me I was lucky, both that I lived and that I could walk. Apparently if the shard of metal sticking out of my back had moved a millimetre to the right or a millimetre deeper, I’d be a corpse or a quadriplegic. It had been pressed up against my spine and could’ve sliced into my spinal cord or if it had gone deeper, it would’ve opened the rear of my gut and I would’ve died of internal bleeding before I was found. So I recovered after the operation, I was physically okay and I also discovered the guys bodies had been retrieved and sent home for burial.

 

“I was later awarded a medal, not that I did anything to deserve it. Within a month of being released from the hospital, even though I was physically functional, I started to lose it. I was becoming a basket case and no one was prepared to put me back on duty. They wouldn’t even put me behind a desk. After a few months I was honourably discharged and that was the end of my military career.

 

“I came here just over a year ago and I started building this place. I’ve been here ever since. I broke all ties with everyone and I see no one and go nowhere, except for health requirements and basic necessities. I’m now fundamentally a recluse,” Rick finalised and then he covered his eyes with a hand and sighed from a place of pain that lay somewhere very deep inside. He went silent.

 

Jason knew that none of what had happened had been Rick’s fault. He knew all the feelings of guilt and betrayal and regret did not rightly belong to this man. Even though he feared Rick might view his following actions as pity, Jason reached out and wrapped his arm around him. He tightened his hold and pulled Rick onto his side so he could hold him. It was not at all about pity but rather, Jason wanted to console Rick’s hurt and pain. The man had been broken for a long time, no matter what the reasons and Jason wanted to make him feel like everything would eventually be okay.

 

Rick submitted the moment Jason’s fingers touched his skin. Human touch was a long forgotten commodity and as the two men hugged and Rick heard the words, “I’m here if ever you need me,” all the truth and all the memories relived, as well as Jason’s sincere concern, caused Rick to break again. He cried in Jason’s arms until his emotions came to rest.

 

***

 

It was in the moments when all the emotional turmoil was subsiding, Rick lifted his gaze and discovered himself staring into Jason’s eyes. It was unexpected, unplanned and even unconsidered but suddenly, Rick’s awareness turned to the feelings of skin on skin, of arms holding and of the sensual nature of a man’s fingers tenderly caressing his back. These thoughts and feelings caught him completely by surprise, particularly after what he had just relived. On a certain level it felt wrong but on another level, a raw and human level, censored thoughts and feelings, as well as imprisoned needs and desires, filtered easily to the surface of a man who was so much more than he had ever allowed himself to be.

 

Even though Rick said nothing, in an intuitive kind of way, Jason felt the ambience - if that was something you could call it – change as they stared into each other’s eyes. It was like a kind of one-way telepathy, as if Rick had whispered something into his ear. Jason knew what Rick was thinking. It was only moments later when Jason felt the growth and hardening against his body. His own body could not help but respond in kind and in no time at all, both men knew.

 

Gazing, Jason could see the hunger in Rick’s eyes but he was also fully aware of the hesitation. Putting two and two together, Jason knew that as much as Rick wanted what was suddenly between them, a broken heart filled with fear was holding Rick back.

 

“I could never knowingly hurt you,” Jason said softly and then he leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to Rick’s.

 

Maybe a second, if that, was all it took for Jason to move into the kiss but for Rick, that second of approach saw an eternity of apprehension, of uncertainty and fear. He felt an unreasonable, imagined betrayal of his love for Brandon, he felt an ache for foolishly hiding his heart from Brandon and then he felt guilty for the years of hiding from the man he really was inside. It was all just rapid thought but still those thoughts managed to play out within his mind. Those lips, though, dismissed all the apprehension in favour of need. Everything, which had seemed so important and so absolute for so long, disappeared amidst Jason’s kiss.

 

Pushing Jason onto his back, Rick propped his body up and over him, as he looked down and stared into his eyes. Jason’s eyes were looking back and silently begging. It was Jason’s eyes that caused the natural confidence, dominance and leadership of an officer, to finally stand up and take position within his sexuality as well. For the first time, Rick truly allowed himself to consciously look at and desire another male body, without trying to push the thoughts and feelings away. He lifted his left arm and slid his palm over Jason’s chest, a man’s chest. He looked back at Jason’s eyes and he saw the expression of a man who wanted to be led. They were eyes that reminded him of soldiers who trusted him to take control.

 

Allowing his eyes to return to the lips that had kissed him, he watched as the smooth, soft and pale pink skin twitched. He lowered his head and dominantly kissed the lips of a man. It was a simple thing for so many men but for Rick, these things were major strides. He felt something, a tightness rising up in his chest and he felt a nervous kind of hunger filling his stomach. He noticed how Jason’s body was almost limp in his hands, like he could do anything to Jason without resistance.

 

Breaking the kiss he said, “I want you.”

 

“Take me,” Jason replied.

 

With no hesitation, Rick reached down and pushed the track pants down Jason’s legs. Jason cycled his legs until he kicked the pants away, as Rick dragged and pushed his shorts from his body as well.

 

Sliding his right arm beneath Jason’s back and pressing his left palm against Jason’s chest and the side of his body, Rick gripped him tightly before he moved on top of him. When his hardness crushed against hardness and his entire naked body became skin on skin, a lifetime of denial was strangled out of existence. A simple thought, already known but finally admitted with acceptance, screamed silently through his mind.

 

“I’m gay and it’s okay!”

 

He lowered his head, kissed Jason deeply and he began grinding not just his erection but also his entire body against the male form. Perhaps not as odd as it may sound, Rick was not thinking about fellatio or penetration in those moments. It was all about acceptance and embracing what he had wanted, what he had denied himself for so long. It was about the feelings, those sensual and such desirable feelings. The feelings were figuratively an ocean and Rick was drowning in it.

 

Somehow Jason seemed to understand what was going on. He did not care in the slightest because he was happy to bathe in the huge man’s naked body. The strength and the power and the fitness of Rick, it was a pleasure beyond words. The hard cock, so thick and meaty, only served to drive Jason’s wantonness higher and higher. In spite of the utter masculinity, Rick’s imposing of his body upon Jason’s body was also sensual and even somehow tender. Of course lust was growing between them but there was something almost refreshingly innocent in their physical connection and desire for each other.

 

Temporarily only, Rick’s movements slowed as his hold of Jason tightened and he kissed him, as if he was going to be torn away from him, never to see him again. Jason almost melted as he was crushed and kissed like he would soon be devoured.

 

Rick said when he finally broke their kiss, “Holy shit, what the fuck did I do?”

 

Again Jason knew what was going on inside Rick’s mind. He knew he was talking about years of self-denial and so Jason pushed him away and onto his back. Before Rick could respond in any way at all, Jason was arched over him and kissing from his chest down his body. As he kissed, Jason altered his position and manoeuvred his body between Rick’s legs. By the time he was in place he was looking at a large, circumcised erection, a long shaft with a smooth, thick and shiny head. Jason lowered his mouth and he licked from root to tip, before devouring as much of Rick’s hardness as he could. Rick moaned in absolute pleasure.

 

Rick’s arms were spread across the bed, his fingers curled around opposite edges as he gripped hard. Jason’s hands were moving all over him, touching him wherever he could, as his lips and tongue made confetti out of Rick’s rational mind. Nothing he had ever done had been so sexually intense, so personal and so right.

 

“I’ve never felt anything like this before. Those two encounters I told you about, the first was fully clothed and drunk and the second, drunk as well. The first was a mutual hand job and a blow job in a toilet stall and the second was the only time I ever penetrated a man,” Rick explained.

 

Jason slid off Rick’s hardness and looked up and said, “As long as you feel good and you’re enjoying it, that’s all that matters and you don’t need to explain anything.”

 

“You don’t want me to talk or let you know how you’re making me feel?”

 

“Rick, I want you to do or say whatever you want to but more than anything, I want this to be all about you and all about you feeling good about it. I want you to enjoy it, to feel it and experience it in only the best way,” Jason said.

 

“I don’t want it to be all about me. I want it to be about you as well,” Rick replied.

 

Jason smiled. He extended his hand and said, “Give me your hand” and as Rick’s hand slid into his, Jason said, “For us, then” and then he lowered his mouth again. Before too long, Rick was incapable of control. In his mind, this was his first, real blowjob, at least the first that meant more than just coming in a guy’s mouth. Jason seemed to not just want him; he seemed to need him as well.

 

Feeling like a Menthos dropped into a bottle of Coke, Rick turned into a volcano and exploded. His fingers dug into the mattress, he cried out Jason’s name and then groaned extensively before beginning to relax. As he was slowly returning to his senses, Jason was sliding up over him and kissing his body along every centimetre of his ascent.

 

Following yet another deep and very passionate kiss, Jason said, “I hope you want me because I want you to want me and I want you inside of me. I want to feel all of you and for as long as you’ll allow it tonight, I want to be part of you and your life.”

 

The sincerity and honesty of Jason’s words, somehow managed to encapsulate the deepest needs, desires and hopes Rick had always held inside. It was in the place of fantasy and ideal that all men held their truest need and in Rick it was that need for another man to love. He rolled Jason onto his back while he rose onto his knees. He lifted Jason’s legs into the air and rested his ankles against his shoulders. Less than a minute later, well lubricated, Rick began to make love to Jason.

 

At first it was slow and emotional, as the tentative man began to trust his most basic instincts. They kissed and caressed as their bodies slid and quickly, Jason knew this man was what he had desired all of his life. Rick had a heart to match the size of his body and the natural expression of Rick’s love was as passionate and intense as Rick’s physical expression was becoming. Soon, the soldier was a sexually dominant and very capable man, who was taking Jason to a place that no other man had achieved, let alone even tried to reach.

 

Suddenly Rick began to change. He started fucking Jason at a pace and power that seemed almost incomprehensible. Jason may have liked being made love to but the handsome man looking at him and the powerhouse body all over him and the exceptional erection that needed him and filled him, evolved into the most orgasmic and mind-blowing sex he had ever experienced. It would have been easy for Jason to doubt Rick and question if he were just another sex hungry guy, however, Jason discovered he wanted what was happening as much as Rick did. Unexpectedly, Rick was showing Jason that truth and intensity was not only found in softness and tenderness. Love could be explosive as well.

 

For nearly forty-five minutes the men became almost animalistic in their hunger for each other and several ejaculations later, Rick’s thrusts slowed into deep and giving strokes of love. The moment both men stopped, rolled over and stared into each other’s eyes, Jason said, “Rick, you’re just every kind of man.”

 

From start to end, it was an hour later and both men were silent and still. Rick was lying on his back, his right arm extended out to his side beneath Jason’s neck. His elbow was bent and his hand was holding onto Jason’s arm. Every now and then Rick would tighten his fingers around Jason’s arm, a simple but acknowledging squeeze.

 

Jason was in heaven and could barely believe what had occurred. Only that morning when he had risen from bed at home, he had told himself it would probably be some time, before he would feel capable of opening himself up to sex or love again. His ex had hurt him so much that he had become afraid of being hurt again. He had been struggling with the man he was, a man who was more about love and relationships while sex was the icing on top, than a man who could just go out and pick up and fuck whenever he wanted to. The last thing he had expected that day was to end up in bed with his idea of a real man while having the best sex of his life.

 

Rick was feeling unbelievably satisfied. Something had definitely shifted inside of him. He felt different. He knew that all of the hurt and loss and savagery of war was still there inside of him but he also knew the feeling of change was impossible to refute. At thirty-two years of age, he was suddenly the real him. He knew there was no turning back and the wonderful thing was that he did not want to go back. He wanted to go forward.

 

“I need to tell you something,” Rick said.

 

“You can tell me anything,” Jason replied.

 

“Since the day we met, though until tonight I never would have admitted it to myself, let alone to you, I thought of you in bed at night and imagined what we just did here together. I really like you, Jason. I’d like to do this again, if you’re interested in me.”

 

The smile that crossed Jason’s face carried both disbelief as well as satisfaction and he said, “Rick, I’ve been jerking off with you at the centre of my fantasies since the day I moved in. If you want me naked at any time, then all you have to do is let me know. Actually, maybe this is a little too soon for you but I want you to know, I’d love for us to really get to know each other and if you’re interested in me, I’d like for us to find out if we could be even more to each other.”

 

Rick turned and yet again rolled on top of Jason. He smiled at him, looked into his eyes and nodded and then lowered his head and kissed him deeply once more.

 

***

 

Six months later, Rick walked out of his therapists office and into the town centre of Blackheath. He was smiling and felt no discomfort as he walked amidst the many random people who were going this way and that. He was feeling so very good and with the help of his therapist he had begun to get a handle on the fact he had not died while Brandon and all of his mates had. No longer did he wish he had died as well and on top of that, now he felt like there was an even greater reason to be alive. His phone rang.

 

“Hey Baby, I just walked out,” Rick answered.

 

“So you’re still in Blackheath?”

 

“I’ll be at my car in a few minutes so I should be home in about twenty-five to thirty,” Rick said.

 

“I thought you said this morning you were going to the gym to work out before you came home. Don’t be slack; I don’t want my beefy soldier turning into something reprehensible. Surely you know it’s only your naked body that keeps me with you,” Jason said.

 

“I thought you said it was my impressive cock and as a consequence, that was the reason I was going to come straight home but as I now know I was wrong and you don’t feel like making love, well I guess the gym is looking more attractive again,” Rick shot back.

 

“I’m not sure that I like you being all normal. I think I preferred it when you were all needy and lost. Now you keep manipulating me with that meat when you know I can’t say no. Get your arse home and make it twenty minutes,” Jason said.

 

Rick laughed and said, “Love you, Baby. See you in fifteen” and he disconnected the call.

 

Rick smiled. He was crazy in love with Jason and he knew he wouldn’t be in the place he was in right now, if it weren’t for him. He walked to his car and got in. He remembered how the first night he made love to Jason, that event had caused a complete shift in his world to take place. He had not known it at the time but his denial and his fear had been the greatest obstacle in his life.

 

Only today his therapist had brought him to a point of seeing that even though that afternoon and night in the desert had been an horrific and tragic loss, those deaths had also uncovered the hole inside of him. Once the men he would have been willing to take a bullet for were gone, there was no one to distract him from what he was hiding from. The loss of his brothers had instigated what happened but they were not the cause. Sure it had compounded what he was going through but it was his sexuality or his denial of it, which had been his greatest wound, festering deep down inside of him for years.

 

To make matters worse, he had fallen in love with one of those brothers. With the loss of Brandon came the devastation of what he had denied himself with Brandon, as well as what he had denied Brandon by being silent and afraid. Particularly after today’s session, he now understood that his acceptance during that night with Jason, of the man he really was deep inside, as well as the choice to embrace the act and give his heart, mind and body over to Jason, was the true medication that had begun his journey home.

 

Admitting that fact had been hard because somehow it seemed disrespectful to his mates. Surely their lives had to be the most important thing? Surely Brandon’s life was more important than what might have been between them as lovers? Surely he could not be as important as all those lost lives? His therapist had said to him so many times over the last five months, sometimes a person needs to put the self first, if they want the self to be healthy.

 

Rick had felt such guilt for not dying, too. He had felt such guilt for not saying I love you, until it was too late. He felt such guilt for always being afraid to let others know who he was. He held his brothers in such a high place of love and respect but he never let them know who he really was.

 

He loved his mother and his father, he loved his brother and sister but even those bound to him by blood, he did not trust enough to be real. What else could their reactions have been other then a negative one. If he could not accept himself, then how could they accept him? All of these many things were threads but the most major thread that was pulling him apart, was the extreme guilt of not being able to admit the truth and learn to like who he was.

 

Today he felt like he had a reason to like who he was. He decided right at that moment he would call his family, he would tell them where he was and if they would forgive him for running away, he would invite them all to dinner this weekend. He would come out of the closet to them and he would introduce them to the most important person in his life. Rick knew his family well, in spite of all the time he had been away from them. He was certain they would all embrace him and accept him for who he was. His mind was finally clear of the fog he had been carrying around for so long.

 

“I like me,” he said, just as some random man walked past the window of his car.

 

Surprising Rick, the man stopped, looked down at him and said, “And so you should. Self-esteem is important,” before the unknown man turned and continued on in the direction he was walking.

 

Rick smiled and it turned into a happy laugh. He did not even care who the man was, he simply felt like life was affirming the answers he was starting to embrace. He started the car and began to drive home. He was still living in his log cabin but Jason had broken his lease on the house he was renting next door and had now moved in with him as his partner. They had barely been apart since that first night together, at least when Jason was not at work. The men had fallen so completely for each other that even after six months, they still could not keep their hands off each other.

 

Rick decided that the moment he walked through the front door, he was going to take Jason forcefully. He grinned as he thought, “Like I’d even have to force him? Half the time I’m struggling to keep his hands off me.”

 

As the nature of driving, slowly took over, somewhere within his mind he thought of his brothers in arms once again. Not a day in his life could pass that he did not think of every single one of the men and morn their loss. His therapy was slowly but surely returning him to a healthy life but no one could ever understand what those men meant to him, both alive and dead. The pain in his heart was easier but it was still there and he knew it always would be.

 

Brandon was a natural continuation of that thought. He was one of the men and so he was the same but he also meant something more. In a way Rick still wished he could have the chance with the handsome, young man, not just for the sex but for the unexpressed love that could have and really, should have been. For so long he wanted to wrap his arms around Brandon and hold him, just so he could have felt the closeness he had kept locked up deep inside. At least he had the memory of the final words and the final kiss. The truth of mutual love and desire and the taste of each other, it was so little but now it meant so much.

 

“In a way I got to say goodbye to Brandon and that means the world to me. If only I could have said goodbye to the others as well.”

 

Jason’s face popped into his mind almost immediately and in a way that was so much easier than any day before today, he allowed the feelings of loss to be replaced by the man who was now only minutes away. As he drove into the drive and up the hill, Jason walked out onto the front porch and was shaking his head.

 

When Rick got out of the car and looked at Jason he said, “What’s wrong? What have I done wrong now?”

 

“Fourteen minutes,” Jason replied.

 

“Best time yet,” Rick said.

 

“I love it but don’t do it again. I couldn’t handle a phone call that you’d wrapped the car and yourself around a tree.”

 

Rick saw the worry and nodded before he said, “I promise.”

 

“How did the session go?”

 

“Good. Really good actually,” Rick replied and walked toward the man he had come to love with all his heart.

 

Jason asked, “What’s with that smirk on your face?”

 

“You’re about to find out,” Rick said, as his eyes moved up and down Jason’s body.

 

“I’m not some pizza you can pull out of the freezer and heat up whenever you feel hungry,” Jason said.

 

“Neither am I but that doesn’t stop you from nearly raping me whenever you feel the desire,” Rick replied.

 

“That’s different. My desires are more important than yours.”

 

“Well, if your desires have anything to do with that bulge in your shorts, than I suggest you quit the rhetoric, get in the house and start stripping, otherwise your requirement to have a former, elite, Special Air Services commando to see to your security, will be lost when he starts searching for another man who needs his special services.”

 

“You’re so dominant in your manipulation,” Jason said with a cheesy grin.

 

Rick grabbed Jason as he stopped in front of him and said, “There’s danger afoot but don’t worry, Baby, my weapon is primed and well and truly cocked.”

 

Jason laughed and then he leaned forward and kissed Rick before he said, “Not only do you seem different since this morning but you sound different as well. What’s going on?”

 

“Let’s just say I had a breakthrough today.”

 

“I’m so glad he’s still helping you,” Jason said.

 

“You’ve done most of the work. The therapist is just helping to smooth out the rough edges. If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have come as far as I have,” Rick replied.

 

Jason smiled, hugged Rick and kissed him again and then said, “Well, I guess I should let you take me inside so you can explain to me how much farther you think you can come with my help.”

 

“As long as you’re with me, Jason, I’m sure I’ll be able to come as far as you want me to.”

 

“All that military determination is so impressive that I guess I’ll have to stick around for the long haul because I’m curious as to what the final outcome will be,” Jason said.

 

“I’ll take that as a promise but enough talk. It’s time for action. A soldier needs to train to keep his strength and endurance and skills at peek levels, you know.”

 

“Let the drilling… I mean drills begin,” Jason said and turned and walked inside.

 

Rick stopped and turned and looked toward the horizon. Part of him was so happy with his life but another part of him, pushed to the surface by the simple banter, still wished he were a Special Forces Elite Commando. In a way he felt like he had let the Australian Defence Forces down. He understood all the combining influences that had led to his discharge but even so, he felt weak for not being strong enough to push through and out the other side without having to step away. The banter had been nothing but banter and he no longer perceived himself as one of Australia’s elite.

 

The horizon had nothing to do with anything, other than representing an imagined line in his mind that separated his old life from his new one. Still, in his mind the line was there. On the other side of the line was not only a group of guys who had been torn from his life but also, another group of guys he could meet and stand beside. For two years those thoughts had resided within him and still did today but now, there was one man on this side of the line, who he loved and did not want to leave. Even so, a struggle existed.

 

Perhaps a subconscious choice, Rick turned away from the horizon, walked into the cabin to his new life and his new love and he closed the door firmly behind him.

 

The End.

 

Author’s Note: Like all of my stories, this is a work of complete fiction. The events and circumstances surrounding the SAS Elite Commando Squad did not happen and is simply an extreme use of fiction to create one possible cause for PTSD in the military. Further, the personal issues of sexuality in denial are in no way meant to underscore other reasons for PTSD or even loss during war as less important. Rather, what is stated within the storyline is to express the diversity of personal issues that can occur concurrently or individually.

 

I would like to state clearly that I have great respect for the men and women of the military who choose willingly to stand in defence or who attempt to protect those in need. It is my desire to write creatively and therefore it is not my intent to offend anyone with the fictitious storylines I create.