September 20, 1974

 

Dan stood behind the block of lane four. He was the favourite to win the one hundred-metres freestyle. He was not nervous and he actually believed without a doubt that he was going to win. He was bending and straightening his legs to keep them loose and he was swinging his arms around in wide circles for the same reason. He was also smiling. He was not looking at the pool or at his competitors and he was not even concentrating on the race. He was looking up into the stands and staring directly into Jake’s eyes.

 

Jake was looking back at Dan. He wondered if Dan really knew just how good-looking he was. Every time Jake looked at Dan, he could not help but think he was the most handsome boy alive but here, watching Dan stand at the blocks at the head of the pool in his black Speedo, his body tanned brown, his shoulders broad, his chest big despite his lithe but muscular swimmers physique; Jake could not help but get and erection.

 

“Dan, you are the spunkiest guy ever,” Jake thought.

 

Now, with everything that was going on around him, Jake could not believe that Dan was looking at him and smiling. He was about to swim the race of the school swimming carnival, the one that everybody wanted to see. The one hundred metres freestyle of the oldest boys was the race that drew the most attention. It was not too fast and it was not too slow and to top it off, Dan was swimming and everyone loved Dan.

 

“This is our last year before we go to high school. Everything is going to change after this year. We’ll have to start everything again and we won’t be the guys to be with and to hang around with. The younger boys won’t look up to us anymore because we’ll be the youngest boys and we’ll be at the bottom of the food chain. At least there’ll be one thing I can count on, though. It’s you, Jake. I’ll know you’ll always be there at my side. You and I, Jake, we’ll go through everything together no matter how scared I am or how uncomfortable this change is going to be,” Dan thought.

 

With absolute certainty as he gazed at Jake looking back at him from the stand, Dan believed that Jake would make everything better. The thought relaxed his random thoughts about the future and an idea came to him.

 

Dan lifted his arm and extended it out and pointed his finger at Jake. He knew that no one would know who or what the fuck he was pointing at, except for Jake. Immediately, Dan followed the gesture with another and he pointed at the pool.

 

A teacher designated as the starter, blew a whistle and the boys moved forward and climbed up onto the blocks preparing to move into set positions. Jake felt his heart pounding but it was not because he was nervous about the race. He believed beyond certainty that Dan would win. Jake’s heart was pounding because Dan had just pointed at him and then at the pool. Jake was certain Dan was saying that this win was for him. He could not wipe the smile off his face and then he heard the starter call out for the boys to take their marks.

 

The starter’s pistol fired and Dan hit the water first but while almost every boy’s body only just broke the surface, Dan submerged deep and when he came up at around ten metres from the start, he was already one body length ahead of the rest of the boys and he had not even taken a stroke. He began with a two-three-kick rhythm and he was instantly pulling away from the boys. At twenty-five metres he had added another body length from his closest competitor and just before fifty metres he was ahead by four body lengths.

 

All of the students in the stands were on their feet and screaming and yelling for Dan. Jake was also standing and calling out, “Come on, Dan” but at the same time, Jake was marvelling at the style and the smoothness and the simply professional attitude and discipline his friend put into swimming.

 

As Dan rolled into his turn and kicked off for the finish line, he immediately increased to a four-three-kick rhythm, like he had told Jake he was going to do. The increase in speed was obvious and as he sliced through the water at an even greater pace, Jake sighed at the perfection. He really thought that Dan should become professional. He was certain that Dan could eventually be an Olympic swimmer but Dan always said there was something else that he wanted more.

 

Jake’s focus did not wane however and he watched as Dan glided down the pool, his shoulders and upper torso high in the water, the way he told Jake they should be. Dan appeared to be swimming even faster now and he only had fifteen metres to go. No one had a hope in hell of catching him. He hit the wall twenty-five metres ahead of second place and the school went nuts, as they applauded and screamed as a consequence of his amazing victory.

 

After touching the wall, Dan turned and looked directly at Jake, his white teeth gleaming between an elated smile. He thumped his chest above his heart and then he waited for the rest of the swimmers to finish. When all of them had touched the wall he turned and lifted his body out of the water. There was another loud roar as he turned toward the stands and then a teacher walked up to him to congratulate him and shake his hand.

 

Jake slipped between the students and moved out and around the crowd and then down to the far corner of the stand where it was empty. He had a while to wait because he knew people would want to talk to Dan but Jake was okay with that because he knew that eventually Dan would want to talk to him. Jake stood on the raised first row of the stand and simply watched, as Dan made his way down toward him. Dan kept turning and making eye contact with him, to let Jake know that he knew he was there. Finally when he had passed everyone, he walked directly to Jake.

 

“You were fucking brilliant,” Jake said, as he put his hand on Dan’s wet shoulder and squeezed it.

 

“That one was for you, Jake,” Dan replied, confirming to Jake that what he had thought was right.

 

“I could really see the difference, Dan. All the things you were reading to me and all the things you explained to me, I could see it and I understood it. It made sense to me. Those weekly sessions of training on Thursday afternoons really made all the difference to how I saw you swim and how I watched the race. You left the rest of them for dead.”

 

“Yeah, there really is a reason professional swimmers learn the techniques. I know what you’re thinking and what you want to say to me but Jake, I don’t want to be the next Steve Holland or Michael Wenden. Jake, I enjoy swimming and I know I’m good at it but I don’t want to be a swimmer, Olympic or otherwise. I trained because I wanted to win the one hundred, two years in a row and maybe I’ll do it in high school too but then that will be it for me,” Dan said.

 

“I’m not trying to push you into it, Dan. It’s just that you’re so good that it seems as if you were made to do it,” Jake replied.

 

“I get it but what you have to understand, Jake, is that I’m swimming against kids that can swim but don’t understand the technical side of racing. I did a lot of reading up on it and I learned it and practiced it but if I had to swim against guys that were great swimmers, I probably wouldn’t have a hope in hell. Anyway, there’s something else more important to me and to my future, so let’s just leave it at that and know that my win was for you.”

 

“Dan, you always say that there’s something more important you want but what exactly is it that you want?”

 

“If anybody should know that, Jake, you should,” Dan said and then he walked away to go and shower and then get dressed.

 

Jake called out, “What do you mean?”

 

Dan just kept walking but he was shaking his head like something was wrong. Jake was confused but whatever Dan was talking about, he thought that one day when Dan was ready, he would tell him. Jake suddenly thought about Dan wanting to win the race for him and it made him feel so good. He did not understand why Dan would do such a thing for him but he thought that he would accept anything that Dan would give to him in the way of friendship. Any gift of self, made him feel closer to Dan.

 

Jake was not blind to the way Dan looked at him and he was not deaf to the things he said to him either. He simply could not accept the fact that there was even the slightest possibility that when Dan did and said special things, they were meant as more than just the words of the greatest friend ever. Jake wished they did mean more but Dan was the most popular boy in school. He was the type that everyone admired, wanted to be friends with and wanted his attention. He was one of those guys in school that American’s referred to as a jock. Well, at least Jake thought he would be when they got to high school but Dan was already being treated like one.

 

Team sports were not Dan’s thing, though. He was a swimmer and an athlete and always competed individually, except for relays. Regardless, Jake believed completely that there was no way Dan could be queer like he was. Jake was certain that once they entered high school, Dan would start dating girls and once that happened, he would be left behind and become a ghost in Dan’s world.

 

Standing beneath the showerhead washing the smell of chlorine from his skin, Dan was feeling frustrated despite what he had just done in the pool. He was almost angry because no matter what he said, Jake did not seem to get the picture. Dan wondered how a guy would not be curious, as to why another guy talked the way he talked or said the things he said to Jake. Any other guy would think he was queer but Jake did not even flinch at the things he said.

 

For Jake to know how much he loved him was all that Dan wanted. He would not even know what to do if Jake gave him the opportunity but that did not matter. He just needed Jake to know. He wondered if it was his fault. Maybe in situations like this a person had to say the words but he knew the consequences if it all went wrong, which was a huge possibility. He simply could not fathom a life without Jake.

 

Taking a deep breath, Dan considered that in spite of the fact that he was still ten and Jake was already eleven, maybe he was a little more aware of his feelings then Jake was aware of his own. Maybe he was growing up faster than Jake for some weird reason. Maybe he had to give Jake time.

 

Dan thought that Jake had to know that something was different between them. He also had this feeling about Jake. He was not certain that it was not just because they were such close friends, however, it seemed like Jake really cared about him and sometimes it seemed like Jake cared about him, in the way that he cared about Jake.

 

The expression on his face suddenly dropped and so did his head. He thought that maybe Jake was not the way he was. He knew how strong a possibility that was, too. He hated that thought but then it did not explain why Jake did not say anything about all the things he said to him. Maybe Jake was like him but maybe Jake was more afraid then he was.

 

“Maybe, maybe, maybe,” Dan said and then he turned off the water, walked over to the locker to retrieve his clothes and began to get dressed.

 

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