March 4, 1973

 

Nine-year-old, Dan Murphy, sat completely oblivious to his surroundings. He sat in the back of the classroom like he always did. He could vaguely hear the muffled sound of his teacher speaking at the front of the class. She was talking about something but he could find no motivation to concentrate on anything other than what was happening to him. He could not care less about anything his teacher had to say in those moments. All he could think about was the hardness between his legs and the feelings it was forcing him to endure.

 

Dan’s erection was uncomfortably hard. A part of him was afraid that someone would look at him and somehow know. Even with his hand in his pocket holding it and squeezing it, the damned thing refused to return to its regular state. The hardness was made even worse because every time he looked at his best friend, Jake Edwards, it throbbed almost painfully. He could not stop thinking what it would feel like to have his hard dick in Jake’s hand, instead of his own. He imagined Jake squeezing and stroking it; the way Dan did to himself at night in bed.

 

The blood coursing through him heated and then flushed like a wave throughout his body and up into his face. He felt hotter than the weather was making him already, yet he shivered as a tingle ran down his spine. His eyes widened but they held an earnest expression, as he quickly looked over at Jake again. Dan felt nervous as he looked at Jake but even as he gazed at him, it was the imagined pictures in his mind, which seemed to overlay what he was seeing in reality.

 

An imagined scenario; Dan could see Jake lying beside him in his bed, in the stillness of night. The pictures were making his current predicament even more uncomfortable and though he could not stop them, he also did not want to. He wondered what it would be like to really sleep beside Jake in bed at night.

 

The frustration of the teacher, the students and the classroom, as well as his erection, faded into some place between his fantasy and his conscious mind. Dan imagined Jake under the covers with him, holding him, cuddling him and their bodies pressed together. A sweat broke out on his brow that was almost as heavy as the sweat on his hand in his pocket. He liked these thoughts of cuddling Jake because they made him feel good.

 

With his imagination soaring, it took on a random form, as it flashed multiple pictures of Jake in different circumstances. He saw Jake on the beach in his Speedo, his tanned body covered in droplets of salt water while drying beneath a burning sun. He saw Jake lying next to him in their tree house, as they talked and laughed about everything in their lives. He saw Jake running with him at the park before he tackled Jake, his only intention to touch him and to be closer. He saw Jake sitting quietly watching television beside him, as well as numerous other scenes they had shared together.

 

Dan squirmed in his seat. These thoughts that were tormenting him constantly these days, had returned to repeat while making his body heat and causing him to feel desperate. It was a feeling he only partially understood. He simply could not stop the thoughts from occurring anymore and in truth, he did not want them to stop. He looked at Jake longingly. It seemed so right but people seemed to think it was wrong. He did not want it to be wrong because believing it was wrong made him feel bad.

 

Squeezing his erection again, Dan wondered if Jake was getting a stiffy all the time too, just like he did. He wanted to ask Jake but he could not bare the thought of Jake thinking he was weird. He did not know if it was normal or if this happened to all boys of his age. He wondered if it was just him that it was happening to. He wondered if there was something wrong with him.

 

Reconsidering, he told himself it could not be wrong. He could not accept his hardness was anything other than natural. Initially it happened when he woke in the mornings but these days it happened in bed at night as well. Now, though, it had started happening at school and it was happening several times a day. The only thing about it that seemed different was that it was happening more often when he was with Jake or looking at Jake. Dan closed his eyes and he drifted further away from reality, into extended moments of he and Jake alone.

 

A distant voice interfered with the wonderful pictures of Jake, as well as the thoughts running through his mind. Suddenly he felt like he was falling from a great height to earth. The pictures vanished and reality returned with a jolt of his body. His eyes opened to that reality when a voice unexpectedly said, “Will you be joining us today, Mr Murphy?”

 

Following a second of silence, Dan heard quiet snickering from almost every member of the class, as their attention was brought to him and they turned to look at him to see what he was doing.

 

“Class, face the front, mind your business and be quiet,” the teacher said.

 

Receiving no response from Dan, the teacher called with an infuriated, raised tone, “Mr Murphy!”

 

With absolutely no idea what was happening but realising the teacher was speaking to him; completely confused Dan said, “Huh? What?”

 

Slightly embarrassed because he was oblivious to what was really happening, other then knowing he was in trouble with the teacher; Dan grinned at the few faces he saw smiling at him, before they turned back around to face the blackboard. He felt that he had to look confident in front of the other kids, even though deep down he only ever felt confident in the pool, on the track or with Jake. He was not sure why the kids treated him like he was their leader but they did and so Dan just went along for the ride. It made him feel bigger, stronger and more important than he thought he was and he like the feeling they thought he was someone special. He actually thought it was very weird because he was not even the oldest, the biggest or the strongest boy in class. He really did not care what they thought, though; there was only one person’s opinion about him that he cared about.

 

The teacher asked while incensed by the lack of an appropriate response, “Excuse me?”

 

Dan did not grasp the teacher’s reply and again he said, “What?”

 

The teacher’s expression was first disbelieving and then angry. Seeing the look on her face, Dan quickly considered what he had done wrong and then said, “What, Miss?”

 

Dan was confused, lost between his preferred imagination and the reality of the woman who always seemed to have some problem with him. He had no idea that the correction to how he addressed her the second time was not good enough either. Dan just wished the lunch bell would ring and he could go outside and be with Jake. He grinned when he felt Jake’s eyes were watching him.

 

“Wipe that smirk off your face, Mr Murphy.”

 

“Yes Miss.”

 

“When I speak to you, Mr Murphy, you do not say, ‘What?’ You say, Yes Miss or Yes, Miss Harding. Show some respect for your elders, Mr Murphy.”

 

“Yes Miss.”

 

“Your parent’s are paying good money to send you to this school, Mr Murphy; the least you could do to repay them is to learn something while you’re here.”

 

“Yes Miss. Sorry Miss,” Dan replied with about as much sincerity as a politician.

 

“Sit up straight and concentrate, Mr Murphy,” she said, looking at him with disdain.

 

“Yes Miss.”

 

The teacher gave a huff of indignation and then turned her attention back to the rest of the class. Dan felt the tension of his embarrassment slowly receding and then his body returning to a more relaxed state. It was only a few moments later that Dan slid back down into his slouch and he began to squeeze his erection again.

 

Turning his head, Dan looked over at the side of Jake’s face and he thought that he wanted to walk over to him and run his fingers along his cheek and feel the smooth, brown skin. Jake turned at that moment and looked at him with an amused smile that was saying, “Busted.” Dan smiled back but Jake turned back to the front of the class.

 

Again Dan wondered if it was not right to be feeling the things he was feeling toward Jake. He could not help it, though, he just did. He loved Jake like a brother. It was not a surprise because they had been brought together as babies and nine years later they were now the very best of friends. The thing was that Dan wanted their friendship to be even more. He did not truly understand what that meant but he knew he wanted it, he wanted to be closer to Jake and he was now wishing that Jake and he could sleep together in the same bed at night and live in the same house. He wished they really were brothers.

 

Jake always told Dan he was his best friend, even though Jake was older than him. Their age difference was only eight months but in Dan’s mind, Jake being older and still wanting him as his friend, made Jake’s words seem more special.

 

It was Friday and next Monday Jake would be ten. Dan wondered if as they got older, whether the eight-month difference would change things between them. He wondered if one day Jake would look at him and think he was too young to be his friend.

 

It was the desire to be so much closer to Jake, which unconsciously made him fear them not being friends anymore. It was those desires along with all his feelings and thoughts, which told him he should say nothing and keep quiet about it all. He did not want to lose Jake by letting him know that he was what the boys said to the weaker boys in the playground.

 

In a way Dan wished he could disappear. Alternatively, he wished the feelings would just go away. Somehow he knew, though, these feelings were here to stay. As a consequence, it had become so very clear to him that he now had to be one of those boys in hiding.

 

Dan sort of understood what it meant. Boys liked other boys and not girls. He did not know why he was that way but as much as he detested being different, he knew that he was. It was not all boys that he liked, though, it was just Jake. For some reason Jake was special to him like no other boy and like no one else in the world. He wanted to be with Jake all the time and he thought about him all the time as well.

 

Dan was aware that all of these thoughts and feelings were of a sexual nature but though he knew a little bit about sex, he did not know much. It was more instinctive than anything else. His parents were not particularly open people when it came to sex or talking about it. He knew he would have to ask if he wanted to discuss it with them, however, Dan also knew that the feelings he had were not considered normal and he knew that there was no one he could talk to about it, without a problem arising. He thought at some point his father would want to talk to him about sex but he also knew his father would want to talk about boys and girls. Dan knew he did not care about girls in that way.

 

Derogatory words pushed harshly into his mind, as self-hating feelings filled him. He recalled the word, “Poofter,” in particular, simply because it was always said as a put-down and too often said with such hatred. The word initiated a few other words as well, the other words ugly too. He did not want to even think them, let alone associate the words with himself. He had heard his father use all the words, when he had seen something related on television. His father had said them viciously and with such disgust. Dan knew his father hated people like that and so he thought if his father ever found out the truth, he would hate him as well. He believed most people thought the same way and so he did not have to guess how he would be treated if anyone ever found out.

 

Dan felt guilty because he had used those words on other boys, just so he would not be thought of that way. He did not even know if those other boys were that way. He hated doing it, he hated the way it made him feel and he especially hated how he upset those other boys. He lifted his gaze back to Jake. He could not bare the thought of Jake treating him like that. It was a sickening thought and as a consequence, Dan’s erection finally softened.

 

The lunch bell sounded and he breathed a sigh of relief. 

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